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How Gay Is Charlie Crist’s Extortion Scandal, On A Scale From One To Very Gay?

This is Charlie Crist's permanent facial expression, nowSometimes when you’re watching reruns of not-so-old TV shows, you wonder about what ever happened to the bit players. I mean, sure, Joey from Friends will never have to work a day in his life again (which is good, because he probably won’t), but what if you’re one of the ladies who played his interchangeable girlfriends? Do you burn out of Hollywood and end up back at a boring office job, and you have to make occasional sales calls where people say “Didn’t you have sex with Joey from Friends in 1998?” and then it’s super-awkward. Similarly, we know that the big stars of the 2008 presidential campaign will be senators and/or grifters for as long as they want to be, but what about the supporting cast, like beloved orange moderate ex-Florida Governor Charlie Crist, who could have been Vice President, but then wasn’t? What’s he doing with his time, other than staring off into space and thinking about how he wasted his life? We already know that he’s working as some kind of TV lawyer shill, but did you know he’s also involved in some sordid case where the ex-head of the Florida GOP is trying extort money from him, possibly for gayness-related reasons?

So, yeah, you’re ex-governor and failed Senate candidate Charlie Crist, and sometime in June 2011 you’re just hangin’ out, chilling, and you get a phone call from what’s-his-name, Jim Greer, used to be the chair of the Florida Republican party, had some unpleasantness, you let it go to voice mail, why not, you don’t want to deal with this guy right now, how pressing could it be, then a couple hours later you listen to the message and this is how it goes:

“Hey governor, it’s Jim. I’m sure you know our friendship has ended, is over, and I’m just very saddened by that.”

Well, at least he finally figured that out. So why are you calling me on my cell, dude?

“But I wanted you to know personally from me, that in the future there’s probably going to be things coming out that are going to be very hurtful to both you and Carole [Crist's wife].”

OMINOUS MUSIC STING

“But I’ll be honest with you, I don’t care anymore because I did everything that I could for you. I paid every bill you and Carole ever gave me. I defended every decision you ever made. I almost got in a fist fight the times when people said personal, terrible things about you.”

Oh, crap! What does this guy want? Does he want money?

Greer went on to tell Crist that he was about to lose his house, could no longer afford to pay for insurance for his children, including one named for Crist, and how he resented the fact that no one, including Crist, “has lifted a finger to try and help me.”

Yep, definitely money! What bit of information that was personal, terrible, and very hurtful to Charlie and his wife might “come out” from some unknown source (Jim Greer) if nobody “lifted a finger to try to help” (gave money to) Jim Greer, hmm, we wonder, wink wink, nudge nudge, and of course we are talking about the extremely long running and totally unproven rumor that Charlie Crist likes having sex with dudes, despite marrying a lady right around the time John McCain pretended to consider him as his running mate.

Anyway, though, maybe Charlie Crist isn’t gay, because his political career is over and nobody cares about an ambulance-chasing lawyer’s sexual orientation. And also instead of quaking in fear that his gay gig was up, Crist calmly forwarded the voice mail and the accompanying embarrassing text — “I gave everything for you and your political future” — to the cops. Law enforcement already had a low opinion of Greer, what with him already being indicted for various hilarious and tawdry crimes, like funneling GOP campaign cash to his personal bank account through a front company, and “borrowing” thousands of dollars of liquor and champagne from that company, and other such political scumbaggery.

So it actually seems kinda more likely that Greer was threatening to rat out Crist for his complicity in such behavior? But that little power play has clearly flopped, which just proves that Jim Greer is worse at politics than Charlie Crist, haha. “I just don’t know what he is talking about,” Crist said, as he went back to the house he bought with his own legitimately acquired money to totally have 100 percent heterosexual sex with his wife, who is lady.

Meanwhile, here’s your discussion question: The son Greer named after Charlie Crist is presumably named “Charlie,” but wouldn’t it be cooler if he were named “Crist”? That way, years from now, he could at least claim to be named after Nirvana’s bassist. [Miami Herald]

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About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

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113 comments

      1. Barb

        I give you serious props for reading 10 paragraphs, posting your first post, altering your first post, and coming back and posting something to me about your reading the post, and you did all of that within 60 seconds, according to the clearly visible time stamps.

  1. actor212

    He's Rip Taylor on a scale of one to Liberace.

    (to make this more culturally relevant, he's Andy Dick on a scale of one to Michael Musto)

  2. randcoolcatdaddy

    “Hey governor, it’s Jim. I’m sure you know our friendship has ended, is over, and I’m just very saddened by that.”

    *sniff* Break-ups are just so difficult.

  3. actor212

    Y'know, I do have to tip my hat to Jim Greer for being an honest politician. Either that or he was too stupid to figure out how to pull down enough graft to pay for his retirement.

  4. BaldarTFlagass

    Dude should move to Key West, or Provincetown, or the Castro. Maybe they'd leave him alone then.

  5. edgydrifter

    I've seen enough action movies to know your extortion message shouldn't include your name, phone number and a good time to reach you.
    CRIME FAIL.

  6. FakaktaSouth

    Poor Charlie Christ really has disappeared – I was a full 2/3 of the way down til I (paid attention to the pic) realized it was him and not Chris Christie. I was of course relieved. I don't want any straight or gay sexy blackmail Chris Christie thoughts at all, ever.

    1. prommie

      Just the fact that you used the words "sex" and "Christie" in the same sentence totally killed my carwash fantasy boner.

          1. prommie

            It truly is. They are the alpha and the omega, the eternal truth of existence. They induce immediate, helpless worship, they incapacitate the intellectual faculties and bring the mind into a complete zen state of existence in the moment.

          2. YouBetcha

            I bet Chris Christie has great cleavage. I'm a D cup and he probably has me beat.

      1. Burgdorf

        NO! We can't have that! OK, gonna lay out a super sexytime scenario for you:

        Margaret Thatcher pulls her Rolls up to a car wash on a super hot day. She honks the horn and out comes super stud Ronald Reagan, wearing a pair of cutoff jeans and nothing else. "well, eh, are you looking to get a good soap down?" Reagan asks as Margaret steps out of the car. "Oh yes, especially down here in the back end", she says bending over to point out the area. "It's filthy…."
        Reagan moves closer to get a better view, pressing his hot doughy flesh against Margaret's bony exterior. The pressure becomes more deliberate. She turns to face him. They lock eyes, and kiss, as a squadron of F22 fighters streak across the sky overhead. FWOOOOOOOOSH!!!!!!!!!

        Score one for the Gipper.

  7. V572 Is this him?

    Crist will probably be indicted for losing an election, the way John Edwards was. Or for saying aloud what everybody else says indirectly, like Blago.

  8. freakishlywrong

    It's all closeted, gropey, moist, pearl clutching, tagic gay sex in all it's antebellum glory. Gross.

  9. Schmannnity

    Charlie should have made up some cock and bull story about his parents fleeing Castro like Rubio did and none of this would have happened.

  10. Callyson

    Too bad–from the photos in the Miami Herald link, they would have been a handsome couple.

  11. BaldarTFlagass

    "other such political scumbaggery."

    How come no one uses the work "skullduggery" any more? I miss that word. And all I ever see here in the comments is "skullfuckery," which I guess is at least close.

    1. actor212

      We could update and refresh it to "skullduggary" which would retain the original sense while incorporating a nod towards skullfucking.

  12. Doktor StrangeZoom

    “I once loved and trusted Charlie Crist,” [Greer's wife posted on her Facebook page]. “I now know he would whore himself out to anyone that will put him in power again. I am sick of the games and lies, I have a family to protect and a precious baby girl on the way, the truth must come out to clear Jim’s name.”

    You see? It's about the children! WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?

  13. Callyson

    Greer’s wife, Lisa, was much more outspoken. Writing on her Facebook page, she said the messages were left after Crist’s “minions’’ kept calling Greer and begging him to leave information about Crist out of the book he is writing.

    Pics or GTFO.

      1. Callyson

        About the same size as the one for W's forthcoming book on economic growth. Yeah, all three of those readers…

  14. BerkeleyBear

    The entire Florida GOP from Rubio and Greer on down are as sleazy as anything in Chicago or New Orleans, but (until Greer got desperate) they seemed to at least know you don't put anything on a recorded medium voluntarily. Sure, he tried to use weasel-speak to avoid the magic words "extortion" or "money" or "buttsechs", but c'mon – you don't leave voice mails like this. Heck, you don't even use a phone for that – because wire fraud is the Federal hook from hell.

  15. hagajim

    Charlie Crist likes having sex with dudes

    Don't most of the men in the Republican Party? So this is not news anyway.

  16. MissTaken

    I paid every bill you and Carole ever gave me.

    Nothing says 'I love you' like paying your closeted lover's wife's bills.

    1. George Spelvin

      I paid every bill you and Carole ever gave me.*

      *with other people's money, of course.

  17. Doktor StrangeZoom

    Ultimately, the real victim here is Sarah Palin, and I think it's only fair to call on President Obama to resign.

  18. BaldarTFlagass

    "Greer went on to tell Crist that he… could no longer afford to pay for insurance for his children,"

    OBAMACARE FAIL!!! SEE IT DOES NOT WORK!!!!

  19. JackDempsey1

    "I did everything that I could for you. I paid every bill you and Carole ever gave me."

    Since Crist appears to have relied on the kindness of (Republican) strangers, he rates at least a "Blanche" on the gay scale.

  20. SayItWithWookies

    Jim named his son Crist Greer? At least the extortion and bribery have sentences that'll be over — your son not forgiving you for that appalling name lasts a lifetime.

    1. actor212

      Pam, but I think she spelled it "Grier"

      There was Greer Garson, of course, but she was pretty hetero, marrying three times. Still, she could have been bi. That would have been hot.

  21. DerrickWildcat

    So like some British people saw the terrible and insulting American show, "Friends" and they thought to themselves, "By jove, we could so make a better go of that show than the Yanks." So they made a show called, "Coupling." However, THIS show was funny! It was also smart and creative. It made, "Friends" look like the rubbish it was. So then Mr. Hollywood big shot says, "Oh yeah, well we can make a version of their version of our original show! We won't even have to hire any writers because we'll do the same exact episodes, except ours will be in American! It will be a WIN WIN!
    It ended up sucking so hard that it only aired like 3 terrible episodes. It was even worse than, "Friends!"

    The end.

  22. MissTaken

    I just heard on NPR's California Report that the court system is being "squeezed from behind". Also, a good term for the Crist extortion.

  23. Mumbletypeg

    This plan to retro-humiliate a onetime politician has half the credibility of a Ricketts scheme to reanimate a dead scandal, but twice the hack-drama of a Robert Vaughn personal-injury lawyer ad ("We. Mean. Bizness!")

  24. DashBarb Buddha

    "nobody cares about an ambulance-chasing lawyer’s sexual orientation. "

    We're still talking about Florida, right? Of course who knows which is worse: Greedy shyster or closeted hypocrite. I'll leave that one to the philosophers.

  25. criticaldsj

    I mean, sure, Joey from Friends will never have to work a day in his life again (which is good, because he probably won’t),

    Episodes. Back for Season 2 on Showtime this summer. Not a bad show, actually. Not exactly a stretch for Matt LeBlanc to play himself but still, at least he's working.

  26. NorbertsRevenge

    Say what you want, at least Greer was one of the most fearless patriots in leading the charge against Obama's "work hard in school" indoctrination address.

  27. Lascauxcaveman

    Moral of the Story: Gay dudes: don't try to act straight. It's just gonna come back and bite you in the ass someday. (And your your 'wife' too, maybe.)

  28. Oblios_Cap

    It saddens me to say that Orange Charlie was the least insane GOP governator FloriDuh has has in my lifetime.

    1. Billmatic

      Seriously folks, a Republican campaign manager is surprised that the guys he worked for won't help him out when he's broke? The guys that lecture about personal responsibility and that capitalism is some kind of perfect meritocracy? Mr. Greer probably even wrote speeches with these themes and coached their talking points. And he's surprised? Really??? Of course they didn't lift a finger to help you, it is their ethos!!

    1. Halloween Jack

      It takes me a little bit to recognize the name "Marcus Bachmann" because I've started thinking of him as Swiss Miss.

  29. AlaskaGrrl

    "Greer went on to tell Crist that he was about to lose his house, could no longer afford to pay for insurance for his children…"

    Don't you see? This is the GOP alternative to Obamacare. No need to rely on government for health care, just show some entrepreneurial gumption and find someone with deep pokets you can extort for the premiums! See? The market works!

  30. Mahousu

    Greer went on to tell Crist that he … could no longer afford to pay for insurance for his children, including one named for Crist

    The way I read this, it's the insurance that's named "Crist," not the kid. That's still serious, though. I forgot to pay my Crist insurance once and, well, let's just say that was not a pleasant month.

  31. Tsunami Ali

    Dear Wonket,

    When posting a story on Charlie Crist please use the photo of him playing football in jorts. Thank you.

    Sincerely,
    Tsunami Ali

  32. An_Outhouse

    What did he expect. Crist is clearly a "won't lift a finger to try to help” kind of guy. I bet he he's a pro deep throater with that giraffe neck of his.

  33. OneYieldRegular

    If the degree of intelligence suggested by that extortion attempt is any indication, Greer's son's name is probably "Jesus."

  34. Wile E. Quixote

    “But I’ll be honest with you, I don’t care anymore because I did everything that I could for you. I paid every bill you and Carole ever gave me. I defended every decision you ever made. I almost got in a fist fight the times when people said personal, terrible things about you.”

    Like there was this one time, when I was drinking mariposas at a piano bar on the South Beach and that trashy Lindsey Graham came in with that horrid Andre Bauer and that little Cuban cabana boy that they share, what's his name? Marco, I don't know, I mean really Charlie, you've seen one piece of cheap, trashy latin trade and you've seen them all. Anyways you were on TV and that coked-up little bitch Lindsey started giggling and saying things like saying 'Get her. Someone's trying too hard with the bronzer. With that white hair he looks just like an orange Q-tip". Anyways I got so mad that I could spit and I marched right up to Miss Lindsey Graham and threw my drink in her face. Then Andre Bauer tried to get all butch and everything but I adopted a wide stance, stood my ground and slapped him right in the face.

  35. usernameguy

    Those damn Morgan & Morgan commercials are on all the time. How have I never seen one with Charlie Crist?

  36. dickweedloser

    Once again, the GLBT rainbow club throws the Bi guys under the bus. Why not take the B out of the club name if all you are going to do is use the Bi dudes as cannon fodder for your cult? Call it GLT; since you obvisously don't believe that the bi dudes have a right to permanently attach themselves to women? As if all dudes who like banging dudes want to hold hands with dudes in public, smooch on camera, and marry dudes?

  37. Halloween Jack

    The news that Florida politics is so crooked that it makes Illinois' look good isn't nearly as interesting as that screenshot, which is how I imagine Charlie looking when he's hitting on you at a gay bar and you're telling him that, no, you don't care if his pubes are the same shade of platinum blonde, and that if he doesn't stop trying to shoulder-surf you while you're checking out Grindr and trying to ignore him that you're going to have to cut a bitch.

  38. ttommyunger

    This news gives me the same warm fuzzy feeling I get when I see Pat Boone or that big dumb cunt of an ex-Senator from Tennessee doing commercials on late-night cable.

  39. Tricky_Dick

    Your not gay if your the giver while sucking and the receiver while…uhm – your just friendly. Krist is very very friendly. Trust, I met him in an airport once.

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