AMERICA'S WANG WE LOVE YOU  11:19 am May 17, 2012

How Gay Is Charlie Crist’s Extortion Scandal, On A Scale From One To Very Gay?

by Josh Fruhlinger

This is Charlie Crist's permanent facial expression, nowSometimes when you’re watching reruns of not-so-old TV shows, you wonder about what ever happened to the bit players. I mean, sure, Joey from Friends will never have to work a day in his life again (which is good, because he probably won’t), but what if you’re one of the ladies who played his interchangeable girlfriends? Do you burn out of Hollywood and end up back at a boring office job, and you have to make occasional sales calls where people say “Didn’t you have sex with Joey from Friends in 1998?” and then it’s super-awkward. Similarly, we know that the big stars of the 2008 presidential campaign will be senators and/or grifters for as long as they want to be, but what about the supporting cast, like beloved orange moderate ex-Florida Governor Charlie Crist, who could have been Vice President, but then wasn’t? What’s he doing with his time, other than staring off into space and thinking about how he wasted his life? We already know that he’s working as some kind of TV lawyer shill, but did you know he’s also involved in some sordid case where the ex-head of the Florida GOP is trying extort money from him, possibly for gayness-related reasons?

So, yeah, you’re ex-governor and failed Senate candidate Charlie Crist, and sometime in June 2011 you’re just hangin’ out, chilling, and you get a phone call from what’s-his-name, Jim Greer, used to be the chair of the Florida Republican party, had some unpleasantness, you let it go to voice mail, why not, you don’t want to deal with this guy right now, how pressing could it be, then a couple hours later you listen to the message and this is how it goes:

“Hey governor, it’s Jim. I’m sure you know our friendship has ended, is over, and I’m just very saddened by that.”

Well, at least he finally figured that out. So why are you calling me on my cell, dude?

“But I wanted you to know personally from me, that in the future there’s probably going to be things coming out that are going to be very hurtful to both you and Carole [Crist's wife].”

OMINOUS MUSIC STING

“But I’ll be honest with you, I don’t care anymore because I did everything that I could for you. I paid every bill you and Carole ever gave me. I defended every decision you ever made. I almost got in a fist fight the times when people said personal, terrible things about you.”

Oh, crap! What does this guy want? Does he want money?

Greer went on to tell Crist that he was about to lose his house, could no longer afford to pay for insurance for his children, including one named for Crist, and how he resented the fact that no one, including Crist, “has lifted a finger to try and help me.”

Yep, definitely money! What bit of information that was personal, terrible, and very hurtful to Charlie and his wife might “come out” from some unknown source (Jim Greer) if nobody “lifted a finger to try to help” (gave money to) Jim Greer, hmm, we wonder, wink wink, nudge nudge, and of course we are talking about the extremely long running and totally unproven rumor that Charlie Crist likes having sex with dudes, despite marrying a lady right around the time John McCain pretended to consider him as his running mate.

Anyway, though, maybe Charlie Crist isn’t gay, because his political career is over and nobody cares about an ambulance-chasing lawyer’s sexual orientation. And also instead of quaking in fear that his gay gig was up, Crist calmly forwarded the voice mail and the accompanying embarrassing text — “I gave everything for you and your political future” — to the cops. Law enforcement already had a low opinion of Greer, what with him already being indicted for various hilarious and tawdry crimes, like funneling GOP campaign cash to his personal bank account through a front company, and “borrowing” thousands of dollars of liquor and champagne from that company, and other such political scumbaggery.

So it actually seems kinda more likely that Greer was threatening to rat out Crist for his complicity in such behavior? But that little power play has clearly flopped, which just proves that Jim Greer is worse at politics than Charlie Crist, haha. “I just don’t know what he is talking about,” Crist said, as he went back to the house he bought with his own legitimately acquired money to totally have 100 percent heterosexual sex with his wife, who is lady.

Meanwhile, here’s your discussion question: The son Greer named after Charlie Crist is presumably named “Charlie,” but wouldn’t it be cooler if he were named “Crist”? That way, years from now, he could at least claim to be named after Nirvana’s bassist. [Miami Herald]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 113 comments }

Barb May 17, 2012 at 11:22 am

It's a 10, Lindsey Graham gay.

nounverb911 May 17, 2012 at 11:24 am

Next time I won't read the post.

Barb May 17, 2012 at 11:33 am

I give you serious props for reading 10 paragraphs, posting your first post, altering your first post, and coming back and posting something to me about your reading the post, and you did all of that within 60 seconds, according to the clearly visible time stamps.

SorosBot May 17, 2012 at 11:48 am

That's almost as gay as Broadway; or the steel industry.

sullivanst May 17, 2012 at 12:12 pm

I'd say it's an 11, Graham Norton gay.

nounverb911 May 17, 2012 at 11:23 am

"A Scale From One To Very Gay?"
Lindsey Graham gay.

actor212 May 17, 2012 at 11:24 am

He's Rip Taylor on a scale of one to Liberace.

(to make this more culturally relevant, he's Andy Dick on a scale of one to Michael Musto)

prommie May 17, 2012 at 11:34 am

Andy Dick is gay? Well fuck me, it just goes to show you never can tell.

Jus_Wonderin May 17, 2012 at 11:48 am

Wham!

actor212 May 17, 2012 at 11:59 am

Careless whispers to that effect.

johnnyzhivago May 17, 2012 at 11:24 am

Ham biscuits!

nounverb911 May 17, 2012 at 11:25 am

But how does this effect Miss Marcus?

randcoolcatdaddy May 17, 2012 at 11:25 am

“Hey governor, it’s Jim. I’m sure you know our friendship has ended, is over, and I’m just very saddened by that.”

*sniff* Break-ups are just so difficult.

ChrisM2011 May 17, 2012 at 11:26 am

On a scale of 1 to 10 this goes up to Victor Victoria

actor212 May 17, 2012 at 11:26 am

Y'know, I do have to tip my hat to Jim Greer for being an honest politician. Either that or he was too stupid to figure out how to pull down enough graft to pay for his retirement.

Lascauxcaveman May 17, 2012 at 12:06 pm

He blew it all on hookers, blow and insurance for his children.

BaldarTFlagass May 17, 2012 at 11:27 am

Dude should move to Key West, or Provincetown, or the Castro. Maybe they'd leave him alone then.

BaldarTFlagass May 17, 2012 at 11:28 am

Blah-mail is a ugly, hurtful crime.

edgydrifter May 17, 2012 at 11:30 am

I've seen enough action movies to know your extortion message shouldn't include your name, phone number and a good time to reach you.
CRIME FAIL.

Lascauxcaveman May 17, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Yeah, I wouldn't expect much subtlety from a FLA extortionist, but still.

Dildeaux May 17, 2012 at 11:30 am

I blame Obama.

Gratuitous World May 17, 2012 at 11:30 am

this is the darkest episode of Benson ever.

FakaktaSouth May 17, 2012 at 11:31 am

Poor Charlie Christ really has disappeared – I was a full 2/3 of the way down til I (paid attention to the pic) realized it was him and not Chris Christie. I was of course relieved. I don't want any straight or gay sexy blackmail Chris Christie thoughts at all, ever.

prommie May 17, 2012 at 11:38 am

Just the fact that you used the words "sex" and "Christie" in the same sentence totally killed my carwash fantasy boner.

FakaktaSouth May 17, 2012 at 11:42 am

NOOOOOOOOOOO. But I understand. I'll figure out how to fix this.

actor212 May 17, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Do I really have to post it?

(clue: it ends "GTFO")

FakaktaSouth May 17, 2012 at 12:04 pm

It really is that simple, isn't it? (thank god)

YouBetcha May 17, 2012 at 2:24 pm

I bet Chris Christie has great cleavage. I'm a D cup and he probably has me beat.

actor212 May 17, 2012 at 11:52 am

My vas deferens strangled my nutsack

Fare la Volpe May 17, 2012 at 11:56 am

In Nicaragua that's a vasectomy.

Burgdorf May 17, 2012 at 12:26 pm

NO! We can't have that! OK, gonna lay out a super sexytime scenario for you:

Margaret Thatcher pulls her Rolls up to a car wash on a super hot day. She honks the horn and out comes super stud Ronald Reagan, wearing a pair of cutoff jeans and nothing else. "well, eh, are you looking to get a good soap down?" Reagan asks as Margaret steps out of the car. "Oh yes, especially down here in the back end", she says bending over to point out the area. "It's filthy…."
Reagan moves closer to get a better view, pressing his hot doughy flesh against Margaret's bony exterior. The pressure becomes more deliberate. She turns to face him. They lock eyes, and kiss, as a squadron of F22 fighters streak across the sky overhead. FWOOOOOOOOSH!!!!!!!!!

Score one for the Gipper.

V572 Is this him? May 17, 2012 at 11:31 am

Crist will probably be indicted for losing an election, the way John Edwards was. Or for saying aloud what everybody else says indirectly, like Blago.

sharethegrief May 17, 2012 at 11:32 am

Stand Your Ground, Charlie.

SorosBot May 17, 2012 at 11:35 am

This Jim Greer's corruption lacks the subtlety of say, Blagovitch.

freakishlywrong May 17, 2012 at 11:36 am

It's all closeted, gropey, moist, pearl clutching, tagic gay sex in all it's antebellum glory. Gross.

BaldarTFlagass May 17, 2012 at 11:36 am

But has he taken the terminal step of unfriending him on Facebook?

Doktor StrangeZoom May 17, 2012 at 11:43 am

Dude, it's not like he's a LIBERAL.

ManchuCandidate May 17, 2012 at 11:37 am

"I will not be IGNORED, Charlie!"

All over Florida, pet rabbits have squealed in fear.

Oblios_Cap May 17, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Attention must be paid.

Schmannnity May 17, 2012 at 11:38 am

Charlie should have made up some cock and bull story about his parents fleeing Castro like Rubio did and none of this would have happened.

Fare la Volpe May 17, 2012 at 11:41 am

I don't think bringing up cock is the wisest choice for Charlie.

actor212 May 17, 2012 at 11:58 am

What? You think flaccid is the way to go here?

Beowoof May 17, 2012 at 12:19 pm

From all reports, Charlies has gotten a rise out of a few.

Gunner Asch May 17, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Or fleeing The Castro

George Spelvin May 17, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Damn you.

oedipusrexryan May 17, 2012 at 12:49 pm

The Castro district?

Callyson May 17, 2012 at 11:39 am

Too bad–from the photos in the Miami Herald link, they would have been a handsome couple.

BaldarTFlagass May 17, 2012 at 11:40 am

"other such political scumbaggery."

How come no one uses the work "skullduggery" any more? I miss that word. And all I ever see here in the comments is "skullfuckery," which I guess is at least close.

actor212 May 17, 2012 at 12:01 pm

We could update and refresh it to "skullduggary" which would retain the original sense while incorporating a nod towards skullfucking.

Fare la Volpe May 17, 2012 at 11:41 am

When will Barack Obama apologize for this toxic political climate?

Doktor StrangeZoom May 17, 2012 at 11:41 am

“I once loved and trusted Charlie Crist,” [Greer's wife posted on her Facebook page]. “I now know he would whore himself out to anyone that will put him in power again. I am sick of the games and lies, I have a family to protect and a precious baby girl on the way, the truth must come out to clear Jim’s name.”

You see? It's about the children! WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?

jodyleek May 17, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Baby needs new Prada shoes!

Callyson May 17, 2012 at 11:41 am

Greer’s wife, Lisa, was much more outspoken. Writing on her Facebook page, she said the messages were left after Crist’s “minions’’ kept calling Greer and begging him to leave information about Crist out of the book he is writing.

Pics or GTFO.

bikerlaureate May 17, 2012 at 1:06 pm

How small would the target demo be, for such a book?

Callyson May 17, 2012 at 2:34 pm

About the same size as the one for W's forthcoming book on economic growth. Yeah, all three of those readers…

BerkeleyBear May 17, 2012 at 11:42 am

The entire Florida GOP from Rubio and Greer on down are as sleazy as anything in Chicago or New Orleans, but (until Greer got desperate) they seemed to at least know you don't put anything on a recorded medium voluntarily. Sure, he tried to use weasel-speak to avoid the magic words "extortion" or "money" or "buttsechs", but c'mon – you don't leave voice mails like this. Heck, you don't even use a phone for that – because wire fraud is the Federal hook from hell.

hagajim May 17, 2012 at 11:43 am

Charlie Crist likes having sex with dudes

Don't most of the men in the Republican Party? So this is not news anyway.

Fare la Volpe May 17, 2012 at 11:52 am

The Republicans like having sex with boys, not icky men.

MissTaken May 17, 2012 at 11:43 am

I paid every bill you and Carole ever gave me.

Nothing says 'I love you' like paying your closeted lover's wife's bills.

SorosBot May 17, 2012 at 11:54 am

It's true love, *sniff* I think I've got something in my eye.

George Spelvin May 17, 2012 at 2:04 pm

I paid every bill you and Carole ever gave me.*

*with other people's money, of course.

Doktor StrangeZoom May 17, 2012 at 11:44 am

Ultimately, the real victim here is Sarah Palin, and I think it's only fair to call on President Obama to resign.

actor212 May 17, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Some classics never go out of style…

spends2much May 17, 2012 at 11:44 am

How could someone that orange not have at least made it to the House?

BaldarTFlagass May 17, 2012 at 11:45 am

"Greer went on to tell Crist that he… could no longer afford to pay for insurance for his children,"

OBAMACARE FAIL!!! SEE IT DOES NOT WORK!!!!

proudgrampa May 17, 2012 at 11:45 am

Jesus Charlie Crist!

JackDempsey1 May 17, 2012 at 11:48 am

"I did everything that I could for you. I paid every bill you and Carole ever gave me."

Since Crist appears to have relied on the kindness of (Republican) strangers, he rates at least a "Blanche" on the gay scale.

SayItWithWookies May 17, 2012 at 11:48 am

Jim named his son Crist Greer? At least the extortion and bribery have sentences that'll be over — your son not forgiving you for that appalling name lasts a lifetime.

actor212 May 17, 2012 at 12:02 pm

He'll change it to something less provocative: Jesus.

crybabyboehner May 17, 2012 at 1:42 pm

JESUS Crist Greer.
Better than Chain Gang Greer.

Jus_Wonderin May 17, 2012 at 11:50 am

Who was the foxy chick named Greer from the '70's??? She kicked ass.

actor212 May 17, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Pam, but I think she spelled it "Grier"

There was Greer Garson, of course, but she was pretty hetero, marrying three times. Still, she could have been bi. That would have been hot.

Jus_Wonderin May 17, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Oh, me and spelling never got along.

Chow Yun Flat May 17, 2012 at 11:51 am

I paid every bill you and Carole ever gave me.

Sounds like the John Edwards and his attempt to cover up his crazy babymomma.

mavenmaven May 17, 2012 at 11:51 am

It would only be interesting if David Letterman was involved again.

DerrickWildcat May 17, 2012 at 11:52 am

So like some British people saw the terrible and insulting American show, "Friends" and they thought to themselves, "By jove, we could so make a better go of that show than the Yanks." So they made a show called, "Coupling." However, THIS show was funny! It was also smart and creative. It made, "Friends" look like the rubbish it was. So then Mr. Hollywood big shot says, "Oh yeah, well we can make a version of their version of our original show! We won't even have to hire any writers because we'll do the same exact episodes, except ours will be in American! It will be a WIN WIN!
It ended up sucking so hard that it only aired like 3 terrible episodes. It was even worse than, "Friends!"

The end.

Jus_Wonderin May 17, 2012 at 11:56 am

There were some hawt actor/actresses on it. I loved the UK version for sure.

MissTaken May 17, 2012 at 11:57 am

Leave it to us unflushable Americans to fuck up some Steven Moffat brilliance.

actor212 May 17, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Wait, Friends inspired Coupling?

I'm so embarassed as an American.

MissTaken May 17, 2012 at 11:55 am

I just heard on NPR's California Report that the court system is being "squeezed from behind". Also, a good term for the Crist extortion.

Mumbletypeg May 17, 2012 at 11:55 am

This plan to retro-humiliate a onetime politician has half the credibility of a Ricketts scheme to reanimate a dead scandal, but twice the hack-drama of a Robert Vaughn personal-injury lawyer ad ("We. Mean. Bizness!")

metamarcisf May 17, 2012 at 11:56 am

R.I.P. Donna Summer

Fare la Volpe May 17, 2012 at 12:04 pm

She worked hard for that money.

mrblifil May 17, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Her death seems to have broken Facebook. Everybody in a mad panic to post the same 3 video clips.

Advn2rgirl May 17, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Last dance, last chance for love.

DashBarb Buddha May 17, 2012 at 11:57 am

"nobody cares about an ambulance-chasing lawyer’s sexual orientation. "

We're still talking about Florida, right? Of course who knows which is worse: Greedy shyster or closeted hypocrite. I'll leave that one to the philosophers.

criticaldsj May 17, 2012 at 11:57 am

I mean, sure, Joey from Friends will never have to work a day in his life again (which is good, because he probably won’t),

Episodes. Back for Season 2 on Showtime this summer. Not a bad show, actually. Not exactly a stretch for Matt LeBlanc to play himself but still, at least he's working.

NorbertsRevenge May 17, 2012 at 11:59 am

Say what you want, at least Greer was one of the most fearless patriots in leading the charge against Obama's "work hard in school" indoctrination address.

Lascauxcaveman May 17, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Moral of the Story: Gay dudes: don't try to act straight. It's just gonna come back and bite you in the ass someday. (And your your 'wife' too, maybe.)

Oblios_Cap May 17, 2012 at 12:09 pm

It saddens me to say that Orange Charlie was the least insane GOP governator FloriDuh has has in my lifetime.

Billmatic May 17, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Jim Greer: pulling himself up by his bootstraps with blackmail.

Billmatic May 17, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Seriously folks, a Republican campaign manager is surprised that the guys he worked for won't help him out when he's broke? The guys that lecture about personal responsibility and that capitalism is some kind of perfect meritocracy? Mr. Greer probably even wrote speeches with these themes and coached their talking points. And he's surprised? Really??? Of course they didn't lift a finger to help you, it is their ethos!!

Beowoof May 17, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Their Ayn Rand philosophy on full display. Fuck all of you.

DerrickWildcat May 17, 2012 at 12:15 pm

I think Charlie Kist was the name of that talking fish in the Tuna commercials

mrblifil May 17, 2012 at 12:18 pm

However gay the meter goes, it can't go higher then Marcus Bachmann. He's like Spinal Tap for gaydar.

Halloween Jack May 18, 2012 at 11:38 am

It takes me a little bit to recognize the name "Marcus Bachmann" because I've started thinking of him as Swiss Miss.

AlaskaGrrl May 17, 2012 at 12:23 pm

"Greer went on to tell Crist that he was about to lose his house, could no longer afford to pay for insurance for his children…"

Don't you see? This is the GOP alternative to Obamacare. No need to rely on government for health care, just show some entrepreneurial gumption and find someone with deep pokets you can extort for the premiums! See? The market works!

calliecallie May 17, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Charlie Crist…didn't he have sex with Joey from "Friends" in 2006?

Mahousu May 17, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Greer went on to tell Crist that he … could no longer afford to pay for insurance for his children, including one named for Crist

The way I read this, it's the insurance that's named "Crist," not the kid. That's still serious, though. I forgot to pay my Crist insurance once and, well, let's just say that was not a pleasant month.

Tsunami Ali May 17, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Dear Wonket,

When posting a story on Charlie Crist please use the photo of him playing football in jorts. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Tsunami Ali

An_Outhouse May 17, 2012 at 1:10 pm

What did he expect. Crist is clearly a "won't lift a finger to try to help” kind of guy. I bet he he's a pro deep throater with that giraffe neck of his.

valthemus May 17, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Sometimes I wish we had more political/sex scandals like this where I live. Sometimes I don't.

OneYieldRegular May 17, 2012 at 1:31 pm

If the degree of intelligence suggested by that extortion attempt is any indication, Greer's son's name is probably "Jesus."

chascates May 17, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Miami Vice as written by Tennessee Williams.

littlebigdaddy May 17, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Don't ex-Fla governors move to the Everglades and go feral?

Wile E. Quixote May 17, 2012 at 4:08 pm

“But I’ll be honest with you, I don’t care anymore because I did everything that I could for you. I paid every bill you and Carole ever gave me. I defended every decision you ever made. I almost got in a fist fight the times when people said personal, terrible things about you.”

Like there was this one time, when I was drinking mariposas at a piano bar on the South Beach and that trashy Lindsey Graham came in with that horrid Andre Bauer and that little Cuban cabana boy that they share, what's his name? Marco, I don't know, I mean really Charlie, you've seen one piece of cheap, trashy latin trade and you've seen them all. Anyways you were on TV and that coked-up little bitch Lindsey started giggling and saying things like saying 'Get her. Someone's trying too hard with the bronzer. With that white hair he looks just like an orange Q-tip". Anyways I got so mad that I could spit and I marched right up to Miss Lindsey Graham and threw my drink in her face. Then Andre Bauer tried to get all butch and everything but I adopted a wide stance, stood my ground and slapped him right in the face.

usernameguy May 17, 2012 at 5:11 pm

Those damn Morgan & Morgan commercials are on all the time. How have I never seen one with Charlie Crist?

dickweedloser May 18, 2012 at 2:33 am

Once again, the GLBT rainbow club throws the Bi guys under the bus. Why not take the B out of the club name if all you are going to do is use the Bi dudes as cannon fodder for your cult? Call it GLT; since you obvisously don't believe that the bi dudes have a right to permanently attach themselves to women? As if all dudes who like banging dudes want to hold hands with dudes in public, smooch on camera, and marry dudes?

Negropolis May 18, 2012 at 3:00 am

Wait. So, what you're saying is that Matt LeBlanc is ghey?

Halloween Jack May 18, 2012 at 11:37 am

The news that Florida politics is so crooked that it makes Illinois' look good isn't nearly as interesting as that screenshot, which is how I imagine Charlie looking when he's hitting on you at a gay bar and you're telling him that, no, you don't care if his pubes are the same shade of platinum blonde, and that if he doesn't stop trying to shoulder-surf you while you're checking out Grindr and trying to ignore him that you're going to have to cut a bitch.

ttommyunger May 18, 2012 at 11:48 pm

This news gives me the same warm fuzzy feeling I get when I see Pat Boone or that big dumb cunt of an ex-Senator from Tennessee doing commercials on late-night cable.

Tricky_Dick May 21, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Your not gay if your the giver while sucking and the receiver while…uhm – your just friendly. Krist is very very friendly. Trust, I met him in an airport once.

prommie May 17, 2012 at 12:21 pm

It truly is. They are the alpha and the omega, the eternal truth of existence. They induce immediate, helpless worship, they incapacitate the intellectual faculties and bring the mind into a complete zen state of existence in the moment.

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