oooh la la

Arab Media Chokes On ‘His Penis’

Fine Upstanding GentlemanAs France’s new president, François Hollande (in his little suit), is busy making German Chancellor Angela Merkel believe in stimulation, he’s also been filling up his 34-person cabinet with women (17!), non-Parisians (18!), people under 40 (7!), and fierce anti-globalists (1!). His picks have been described as “moderates,” but the wingnuts over at The Independent Sentinel are probably saying pfftttt! to that because “They are already beyond the pale in France. A friend of mine just told me that if you have four children on welfare in France, they give you a car.” Réveillez-vous, moutonnes! (Wake up, sheeple!)

The world media is trying to keep up with it all, feverishly doing backgrounders about each new appointee, including a certain Jean-Marc Ayrault, who was selected as the new French Prime Minister. This created a leetle problem for the Arabic media because…

Mr. Ayrault’s name is pronounced Ayro, which in Arabic translates to “his penis.”

Arab media outlets, struggling with their headlines, issued spelling edicts like drunken sailors. Spell it Aro. No, spell it Ayro. No, no no, Haro. How about Aygho? Oh hell, just do what Dubai-based Al Bayan newspaper did, use his first name: “Hollande Inaugurates his Mandate by Appointing Jean-Marc as Prime Minister.”

Realizing the cock-up, the French foreign ministry was right on the balls:

The potential for embarrassment prompted France’s foreign ministry to put out a statement today as Ayrault took office with the recommended spelling in Arabic. The official solution would add the letters L and T to the transliteration. Arabic is a phonetic language where normally all letters are pronounced, unlike French where these two letters in “Ayrault” are silent.

There will be no end to the jokes. Ayrault’s underlings will be saying, “Oh, and what does His Penis want now?” As far as the Arab media goes, we hope that nothing big happens in Kissimmie Florida because Kissimmie translates to “my mother’s cunt”.

About the author

Writer, teacher, traveler. Arizona girl living in Paris.

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  • nounverb911

    Is this another Lindsey Graham post?

    • BornInATrailer

      Lindsey would love to make a ham biscuit with that.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Ann_ObeyMe_Money

        Lindsey's so happy, he's making air biscuits over that.

        • George Spelvin

          "air biscuits" is a definite keeper.

    • chicken_thief

      Prolly not. Miss Lindsay wouldn't complain, she'd just take it like a man.

  • V572 Is this him?

    "A friend of mine just told me that if you have four children on welfare in France, they give you a car."

    A friend of mine told me about a person she heard about who put their poodle in the microwave.

    Government by urban legend. How can it fail? I heard from some woman about how it always works.

    • RavenRant

      I got forwarded emails about each of the above from various elderly crackpots, so – confirmed, 100% factual!

  • prommie

    The penis wants what the penis wants.

  • freakishlywrong

    That's it. I'll be in Paree' for the wingnut revolution, mes amis.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Les têtes qui explosent?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Ann_ObeyMe_Money

      Gay Paree!

      So will we!

  • BarbdarTFlagass

    Odd, those Arabs never had any problem referring to W as "that dick."

    • proudgrampa

      Well played, sir!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Ann_ObeyMe_Money

      And they weren't even laughing when they said it.

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    i call my penis the "Prime Minister" and only 6 arabs have had a problem with it.

    • Negropolis

      WIN

  • Fare la Volpe

    What's the big deal? Our leader was a Bush.

    • sharethegrief

      Our leader actually was a Dick.

      • proudgrampa

        I saw what you did, there.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      True story: My own mother was a Hoare up until the day she married my dad.

      But Grandmama didn't become a Hoare until she married Gramps.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Ann_ObeyMe_Money

      And a dick.

  • SteveMcCroskey

    British Labour politician Ed Balls was unavailable for comment.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Ann_ObeyMe_Money

      Jesus! At least his first name isn't "Harry."

    • Negropolis

      He was too busy eating his spotted dick.

  • Lucidamente1

    The same thing happened here when Herbert Hoover nominated Heywood Jablomie to be his Secretary of War.

    • Fare la Volpe

      The Republicans really got behind his Energy Sec, Amanda Huggenkiss.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      In fairness, his first choice couldn't be found "Where is he? Can you point him out in the chamber? Who's Dick Hertz?"

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Ann_ObeyMe_Money

        And everyone replied, in a rousing chorus, "Mine!"

  • Barb

    "Kissimmie translates to “my mother’s cunt”."
    Sissimmie translates to "my sister's cunt"

    See, learning a new language isn't that hard.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      This is what linguists call "verbal nouns," where a name becomes the action describing it.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        Very cunning.

    • mavenmaven

      Actually, the vulgar term is the first syllable, technically referring to your sister's vj would be kus-uchtak (the universally used insult is kus-ummak, your mother's vj).

      • Barb

        It was meant to be a joke, Max.

        • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

          Everything's funny to you wonket!

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Ann_ObeyMe_Money

          I know, but sometimes you pick up all this cool weird information. Now I know how to say "Your sister's cunt" in — hey, waitaminnit, wut's this language?

        • mavenmaven

          I take my Arabic very seriously, being the only Arabic translator for the US military, and all I know are the swear words. But I wasn't gay, so they hired me.

          • Barb

            I take my snark very much not seriously.
            That's cool about being an Arabic translator! How long did it take you to learn to do this?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Ann_ObeyMe_Money

        Wow. I swear, you can find out EVERYTHING on teh Wonketz. Thanks.

  • freakishlywrong

    Ever been to, (through, in a car), Kissimmie? That's no "translation", Wonkadears.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Ann_ObeyMe_Money

      Er … I really do not want to be thinking about my Momma's veejay, given that it's in an advanced state of er …

      (Strikes Florida off list of places to EVER visit, be caught dead in, etc.)

  • Blueb4sunrise

    It's P-E-N-I-S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Dangit.

    • http://infrogmation.livejournal.com/ Infrogmation

      P-E-N-I-S goes into Paris and ruptures austerity.

      • Negropolis

        This is comment of the week, Rebecca.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Maybe they could just spell it out like that lady in Nebraska.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      I'd like to thank all those earlier in comments that made this possible by not wishing to resort to the obvious.

  • SorosBot

    They should just follow the American media's lead and never report on foreign news.

  • BornInATrailer

    He should totally adopt that "my dick/yo dick" song for his campaign.

  • Limeylizzie

    OT But Donna Summer has died, I bet Charlie Crist is weeping.

    • Barb

      I am so bummed about this. I am listening to "Heaven Knows" right now.

      • Limeylizzie

        I may have wild , promiscuous sex with random people I meet in bars, to bring back that Donna Summers magic for me.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Um, which bars?

          You know, for a friend.

    • Fare la Volpe

      That old bitch wouldn't know taste if it hit him in the wig.

    • littlebigdaddy

      Naked in the bathtub?

      • Fare la Volpe

        She had to have a partner what did away with her.

      • Negropolis

        Too soon!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      First Whitney Houston, now Donna Summer. Mariah Carey better watch her step if she doesn't want to complete the triumvirate of death.

      • proudgrampa

        I thot Dick Clark completed the triumvirate…

        • BaldarTFlagass

          Not black or female enough.

      • HistoriBarb

        Personally, I'm a little worried about Gloria Gaynor.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Nah, he's more an "I Will Survive" queen

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      It is on topic, LL:
      French malaprops >> Dignitaries feigning obliviousness >> Marie Antoinette>> her famous adage, "Let them eat cake/ Out in the Rain"

    • proudgrampa

      I haz a sad.

      In the 70's, I spent a lot of time in discotheques. Donna's music was de rigueur.

  • nounverb911

    Ah! Gay Paree!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Ann_ObeyMe_Money

      Hey! I just said that.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Réveillez-vous, moutonnes! (Wake up, sheeple!)

    Technically, "moutommes"

    / pedant

    • http://politicsafter50.blogspot.com lisawines

      I just took sheep – mouton – and people – personnes – and stuck 'em together. :-)

    • mavenmaven

      Wonkette is just a regular language lab today. 귀여운!

  • James Michael Curley

    Next he will appoint Jean Valjean and that roll will disappear.

    • Barb

      Now I will have Susan Boyle's singing stuck in my head all day, thanks! : )

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Links in the main article now open in a new window! Way to service Wonkette power-users!

    God, I'm pathetic.

    (But not so pathetic that I will not request, one more time, an "expand-all" button in the comments.)

    • Blueb4sunrise

      OCCUPY!! OCCUPY!!!

    • freakishlywrong

      "Expand all" is very apropos for a blog that delights in dick jokes, non, Chet?

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Think big, Chet. if you're going to make a request that will almost certainly be ignored, make a request for 'Expand All' to be the default mode.

      (A Wonkèur can dream, can't he? Le sigh.)

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        If you look at the source code for the page in your browser, the replies are all there, just waiting for the Wonkette service dept. to slap a button on it.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Ann_ObeyMe_Money

        I think the non-default Expand All is due in some part to the algorithm ID uses to calculate pee points. You get P for people clicking through to read commenters' replies to your comments.

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

          Oh for fuck's sake.

        • Lascauxcaveman

          Eh, my Pee is big enough. I just want to give my right hand a rest.

          (No, no, no. I'm talking about repeatedly clicking my mouse. No! My computer mouse, dammit.)

    • http://politicsafter50.blogspot.com lisawines

      I've been wondering if you guys would like that or not. So I'm glad you do. :-)

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Ann_ObeyMe_Money

      Yay Chet!

  • http://wonkette.com NorbertsRevenge

    Aimes-tu Ayrault? Wee wee!

  • SorosBot

    Maybe the Arabic media can intentionally mispronounce his name, like ours does with the city of Phucket, and John Boehner.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Odd how they get Balls, UK spot on

    • Negropolis

      And Beijing.

  • SexySmurf

    I wonder what Egyptian President Suq Madiq thinks?

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    Ceci n'est pas une baguette.

    • littlebigdaddy

      c'est un batard!

    • http://politicsafter50.blogspot.com lisawines

      C'est une baguette magique!

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Penises can't be prime minister – that's right in Sharia law!

  • Callyson

    A friend of mine just told me that if you have four children on welfare in France, they give you a car

    To the extent that this is meant to be a serious comment, that person is probably talking about the subsidies that the French government gives to families because they are concerned about the graying of France:
    http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/arti

    Of course, another way to maintain a sizable number of young people in your populatin would be to stop freaking out about immigration…somehow, I think the wingnuts will go for the "handouts" first…

    • sullivanst

      Especially when we already know they want to encourage white procreation in an attempt to arrest the darkening of Amurkkka

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Er, yea, but they say nothing about "on welfare". If anything, France is all about work:

      "French society encourages mothers to work," Staub said. "The way work hours and vacation time are organized also helps families a lot. I have 36 days of paid holidays per year — it's great to spend time with your children."

      • Chichikovovich

        A handy rhetorical trick that: if the government provides something for everyone with four children, a fortiori they do it for people with for children on welfare. So: "if you have four children on welfare….blah blah, multiple exclamation marks".

        It works for US politics too, of course: "If you have four children on welfare and you buy some gasoline from a company, the government will give that company billions of dollars of subsidies!!!!!!!!!!"

      • Callyson

        Ooh, how the wingnuts would freak out if they saw that quote…valuing mother's work as work? Making sure that moms who are not Mrs Mittens can stay home if they want to? Socializm!

      • not that Radio

        "Even if you have a child 2 years of age, you need to go to work."

        -Mitt Romney, former honorary Frenchman

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    Ayrault to speak at Fort Wayne's Harry Baals Conference Center.

    RIP!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I think they moved that to French Lick, Fort Wayne being a bit busy.

      • Chichikovovich

        Except of course they renamed it the Baals and Bird Center.

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

          The back-court of Bird and Diz was the greatest in Celtics history. Oh wait…

          • George Spelvin

            LOLJazzBallers?

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

            Monk was a character! He would get up in the middle of a tune, do that funny little move of his, and then casually drain a "three" over Moses Malone.

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    It's ok, as long as Ayrault doesn't translate as Le Pen.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Ann_ObeyMe_Money

      Now THAT's a dick.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Has he announced M. Dildo as Minister of Housing yet?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Ann_ObeyMe_Money

      Dildeau, to you, bud.

  • SayItWithWookies

    The Arab media better come up with a solution soon — because if 'His Penis' is hard for more than four hours, they'll have to get medical help.

    • OneYieldRegular

      You can see the headlines now: "Ayrault Comes Down Hard on Greek Withdrawal Plan."

  • Callyson

    Also, O/T alert: Donna Summer just died.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Wow. She was only 63. What a shock.

  • Billmatic

    Lets go to France so we can french kiss some French girls.

    ooooooooooOOOOOoooooohooooooooo

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      You can french-kiss in the U.S.A. if you're blondie enough~

    • Arkoday

      I prefer the Australian kiss. (Same as French, but down under)

  • FakaktaSouth

    This is the first time I have ever heard of a French person TELLING people to mispronounce a French word – I thought they were particularly particular about that. I would have thought they would be used to being called dicks by now anyway. (I love France and all French people. I also love a pervy Thursday, Merci!)

  • CountryClubJihadi

    Al-Jizzera should be able to handle this.

    • chicken_thief

      You'd think they would have been all over this before it came to a head.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    The film "Mary Poppins" is heavily edited in Arabic-speaking countries, because "Chim Chim Cher-ee" is a sexual act involving an eggplant and an ottoman.

    • DashBarb Buddha

      the person or the footstool? Both?

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        Oh, forgive me, "Ottoman." My fake Arabic is a bit rusty.

        • DashBarb Buddha

          I dunno…sex with furniture and vegetables. It could work. Damn! Rule 34.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Ann_ObeyMe_Money

          Ataman.

    • vulpes82

      Those Turks are filthy pervs.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Ann_ObeyMe_Money

        Is that a complaint, or a plaintive hope?

  • DashBarb Buddha

    Just be grateful he's not from Fucking, Austria.

    • proudgrampa

      Wow. I learn something new every day on Wonkette. It's educational!

      Thank you for that!

    • Generation[redacted]

      On the vacation itinerary, check.

      Interesting that it was founded by a guy named Fuck-O (okay, it's Focko but I like my spelling better).

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Fucking Austria has a lot to answer for!

  • hagajim

    Wait until he brokers his first peace treaty, I can see the headline now. "Penis inks Peace Treaty"

    • Generation[redacted]

      The headlines just write themselves, don't they?

      "Penis unites a divided nation"
      "Penis survives no-confidence vote"
      "Penis rides wave of popular support"
      "Thousands cheer Penis"
      "Penis caught in phone-hacking scandal"

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Mr. Ayrault’s name is pronounced Ayro, which in Arabic translates to “his penis.”

    IF ANY OF YOU ARABS GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT? JUST GO BACK TO ARABLAND AND DO WHAT EVER YOU WANT. THIS IS FRANCE, AND WE SPEAK ENGLISH HERE.

  • Generation[redacted]

    The official solution would add the letters L and T to the transliteration.

    Allow me to be the first to congratulate Mr Plenist.

    • http://politicsafter50.blogspot.com lisawines

      I had to look that up, and found it in the Nuttall Encyclopedia.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    chokes on his penis

    Then how well do his panics fare in Arabs' estimation?

  • calliecallie

    Ayrault’s underlings will be saying, “Oh, and what does His Penis want now?”

    He's the prime minister. I suspect his underlings would be saying that no matter what his name meant in Arabic or any other language.

    • pdiddycornchips

      I bet he's offering all the pretty French girls a position on his staff.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Ann_ObeyMe_Money

        I bet they're all purchasing knuckledusters for their response.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    This is why I am voting third party this year. BIG DICK McCOCKENBALLZ in 2012!!

  • Mahousu

    A friend of mine just told me that if you have four children on welfare in France, they give you a car.

    Well, sort of. Actually, it's a Citroën.

    • George Spelvin

      So, not really?

    • Negropolis

      Burn!

  • Arkoday

    Maybe it's 'my pianist'?

    I've never considered it an issue before, appointing my penis as Prime Minister. You mean…you guys don't?

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Suggested alt-Text: "Go ask Phallus"

  • MiniMencken

    Funny, the Chinese never gave us alt-spelling suggestions for all of their politicos named Dong, Dung or Poon. I sense a double standard at work here. Well, can't think any more about this. I have to go recover my snooker table with a new piece of baize.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Ann_ObeyMe_Money

      There have never been any Chinese politicians named Poon.

      Which is a pity, as I know quite a few Poons who might do well in politics.

      • MiniMencken

        O really? Never? Even if it's the 37th most common last name in China? However, my favorite Poon is an actress, Poon Dik-wah. Sort of a bonus plan name, you might say.

    • George Spelvin

      Baizing your s'nooky table, eh?

      • MiniMencken

        Mais oui, Georges! It will be placed in my baisodrome away from home.

  • OneYieldRegular

    So what's the problem? This is about as French as things can ever get.

  • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

    How many kids do I need to have to get a new set of tires? I don't need a whole car, and I really don't want to have 4 kids.

  • Bonghits4Jesus

    When Jean-Marc Ayrault (penis) meets Vladimir Putin (whore/fucking), they'll have a great time together!

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    His Penis? No big deal–Michelle Yeoh's first husband was named Dickson Poon.

  • elburritodeluxe

    That's a mis-translation. It's actually Nouveau Président Cocque!

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Le Coq Sportif!

  • Neoyorquino

    This isn't so unusual. There are a lot of politicians whose names translate to "what a dick."

  • swordfis

    Réveillez-vous, moutonnes! (Wake up, sheeple!)

    Maybe "Réveillez-vous, peuploutonnes!?"

  • Negropolis

    which in Arabic translates to “his penis.”

    Wait, as opposed to "her penis"? How progressive!

    Ha ha! Prime Minister He-Penis!

  • ttommyunger

    So? Lots of names here mean "penis"….Ted Nugent, Rush Limbagh, Mitt Romney…….