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George Zimmerman’s View To A Pill

weed!

When Trayvon Martin was killed, it looked really bad for George Zimmerman until it was discovered that he was fighting the savage effects of a marijuana-fueled person of color. Little did Zimmerman know that the young man he was chasing was seeking weedemption for all of his terrorist pot smoking members who belong to a secret organization called ‘People In The United States Who Have Tried Marijuana.’ Luckily for Zimmerman, there’s a pill for this; and he happened to be prepared by taking it well before the altercation ensued. What miracle drug allowed Mr. Zimmerman to tangle with this young man? It was none other than big pharma endorsed ‘happy place’ drug Temazepam.

How can one mind altering pill that has potential side effects of violence be able to combat the threat of a stoned teen on a cell phone walking down the street? It’s easy when all you have to do is swallow it, wait an hour and hate black people.

But Zimmerman’s hate and Temazapam wasn’t enough. He still didn’t have the edge needed to combat rogue adolescent black pot smokers in a hooded ensemble. Luckily, big Pharma recognizes that sometimes self-appointed neighborhood watch captains need a little extra push. Adderall, a drug designed to help combat the effects of other drugs and work with the drugs it is combating, is the best option out there. It’s a good thing Mr. Zimmerman was on the Big Pharma cocktail that included this small oval wingman. Too many 28-year-old grown men who can’t beat up a kid on pot have been victimized long enough. The simple days of Twinkies and Coke are over. PCP is so last decade. Zimmerman was living in a ‘pill or be pilled’ world and the Cannabis Cartel sent out one of its finest to wreck his life. This wasn’t a simple Karate Kid versus Cobra Kai. This was a silent war that doesn’t show its ugly face until it is rooted out by the powers of synthetic brain chemical altering goodness. Now, pot smoking teens everywhere will have to think twice before marching down sidewalks leaving a trail of destruction riddled with Funions and Strawberry Quik. [News One]

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About the author

Erik Jay is currently unemployed, but has a history of managing various motels and quitting customer service jobs on day 1. He still feels accomplished graduating from a continuation high school in 1989.

View all articles by Erik Jay

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135 comments

  1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Back in my day, you didn't have to take a pill to hate black people. You just joined the Republican Party and did it naturally, as God intended.

    1. CZL

      You mean our Boys in Brown are attempting to infiltrate a White Castle, perhaps with the help of notorious homosexual villain Neil Patrick Harris, aka Dr. Horrible?

  2. x111e7thst

    Adderall is a combination of dextroamphetamine and amphetamine. Both of these drugs are well known for promoting a feeling of goodwill towards all in the user.

    1. FraAnima

      And massive paranoia is never a side-effect. Nor teeth grinding. Nor crawling skin.

  3. Baconzgood

    Listen. Aren't we REALLY missing the point of this whole thing. It's like a slight of hand trick.

    The real point is STAND YOUR GROUND LAWS ARE BAD, REALLY STUPID, AND CAN KILL PEOPLE.

    (this comment is 100% snark free)

    1. Guppy

      And here I thought the point was that shooting under the influence isn't punished as harshly as driving under the influence.

  4. Soylent Green

    Guns don't kill people. Hopped-up people on drugs holding guns kill people. That's about 90 percent of Florida. Man, I can't for the GOP convention in Tampa.

      1. TootsStansbury

        Damn this gadget! Marzipan shaped into whimsical little racist assholes is what I was going to say.

  5. memzilla

    What about the other drugs Zimmerman was taking: Asshaterol, Nomelanin, and Violenzapam?

  6. edgydrifter

    Johnny Pot Farmer doesn't make enormous campaign contributions. Novartis does. Guess which mind-altering drug is "medicine?"

  7. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    The important thing to remember here is that pot is well known for bringing out violent tendencies in people. That is why you always have those pot fueled riots after the Superbowl or NBA championships. This is also why stadiums should not be allowed to sell pot after the third quarter or the seventh inning stretch.

      1. Mahousu

        The Caps have been doing it for years.

        Oh, wait, I thought you said "get smoked out of the Stanley Cup."

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      I get around those "no pot sales after xxx" rules by dropping about 1000 micrograms of windowpane about the time I get to the stadium/arena.

      1. HippieEsq

        HA! Give this man an upfist if you actually get the "windowpane" reference. Come on Wonketeers, I'm pretty sure I'd recognize some of you from a Dead show or two….

      1. Wile E. Quixote

        I don't know about that but I do know that it was an awesome musical complete with an incredibly hot dance number between Neve Campbell and Steven Weber (the guy from Wings and Jeffrey and holy shit can that man dance!) and a naughty little number where Kristen Bell is wearing a dominatrix outfit.

  8. Come here a minute

    Naturally ther is no mention of drugs to treat depression — happiness is a warm gun.

  9. BaldarTFlagass

    I'm with the D.A.R.E. people. What's that? It doesn't mean Drugs Are Really Excellent!?!? I have been sadly misinformed.

  10. noodlesalad

    Dear Dr Wonket:

    I have a few relatives who have started taking foxnewsathol, and I'm concerned they might be developing similar paranoia and racist tendencies. What can I do, other than limiting their access to handguns and SUVs?

      1. Mittens Howell, III

        Warning: Maddowfen side effects include smarts, tolerance, and high chance of niceness

    1. An_Outhouse

      Its the denial that really hurts. My parents swear they don't get their new from Fox but every time I visit (infrequently), if we turn the TV on, its magically on Fox. Go figure.

  11. widestanceromance

    Just say no.*

    *to all self-appointed vigilantes hopped up on Temazepan who ignore police warnings to not intervene in following "suspects" who are not allowed to stand THEIR ground because they are wearing a hoodie.

  12. MissTaken

    One pill makes you larger.
    And one pill makes your finger small enough to shoot a gun.

    1. SorosBot

      Considering that Zimmerman still felt the need to carry and fire a gun, I guess the pill he thought would make him larger didn't work.

  13. mavenmaven

    The whole tea bagger movement, those aggressively rallying for George Zimmerman, is fueled by meth…

  14. HippieEsq

    My own scientific observation on the topic: MJ does nothing to quell the violent urges I have toward hypocrites, bigots, and religious conservatives. But it does usually mean I get distracted by anything remotely interesting during the sluggish walk to the closet where I keep my pitchfork.

    1. Jimmyone

      I know what ya mean….when I get to the closet, I can't remember if I wanted the fishing pole or pitchfork. Than I can't remember why the pitchfork was in the closet and not in the shed…so I moves the pitchfork to the shed, and I find the flashlight I was looking for last night when I was collecting night crawlers to go fishing…..what was the question?

      1. HippieEsq

        Amen! This is why I own a border collie. It's not just because she can catch a frisbee, which is (duh) reason enough. It's because she takes keen observation of my movements and seems to know when to herd me back to home base.

        (a secretary serves the same purpose at the office, but not nearly as well as the border collie)

          1. HippieEsq

            true, boning my secretary is not a crime, but I'd still consider it very serious punishment.

  15. prommie

    Mmmmm, drugs are bad, mmkay, kids?

    Adderal is speed, pure and simple, its identical in effect and operation to fucking meth. I know, I have taken it. I was amazed that you could get yourself a prescription for fucking speed, it didn't do anything for what it was prescribed for, but I loved the weight loss, its good at that, but I hated the teeth-grinding.

    I'm feeling even stabbier than usual today, first that thug dickbag preacher, now this fucking vicious hateful pathetic sack of fucking shit.

    1. Equality_Joe

      I took it and it was helpful for the reasons I needed it to be, on basically the smallest clinical dose for an adult. This was while I was in school, though, and Adderal + an environment where all-nighters were a social norm= me having some concerns about dependency.

      Nowadays, I just drink 4-5 cups of coffee a day, to get basically the same effect. Also too, chewing gum helps somewhat with the teeth-grinding.

    2. MissNancyPriss

      As a former meth-taker (5 years sober, yay), I have to respectfully disagree. If you are legitimately an add sufferer, and even thought it is technically a stimulant, Adderal has a calming effect, not a speedy one. If you are Lindsay Lohan, you are taking it as speed, to stay awake and for weight loss. If you suffer from add, the drug's effects are opposite from what you'd expect of a stimulant. It helps the brain send signals between nerve cells, restoring the balance of neurotransmitters in the parts of the brain that control the ability to focus. It literally slows you down.

    1. Baconzgood

      IF you're expering and shooting that lasts for more than four hours consult a doctor. This may be signs of a serious medical problem.

  16. johnnyzhivago

    I mean I hate to judge people, but seriously, if you're 28 and you're so fucked up that you're taking multiple brain muddling drugs, you should take up a hobby like building model airplanes are just watch the damn TV instead of carrying guns on some sort of crimewatch. Most police departments would take your gun away if you were on these drugs.

    This is my beef with the NRA – I'm 100% in favor of people going out an buying whatever gun they feel like, but when people are crazy, criminal or on drugs they should be educating everyone to keep the fuck away from them.

    1. Equality_Joe

      To be fair, I'm on multiple brain-muddling drugs, and I'm just mildly austistic. The ones I eventually settled on complement nicely, and don't exacebate any problem I'd have had otherwise.

      I do kinda wonder, loudly, at that particular cocktail, though: assuming bipolar, as suggested by the Benzos, you wouldn't give someone Adderall for the same reason you would absolutely, positively, never given them SSRIs: anything that elevates your mood is basically just kindling for a manic episode's wild fire.

      1. MissNancyPriss

        I know, I feel kind of badly about myself now because I take twice the number of brain-muddling drugs than GEORGE ZIMMERMAN. Of course, they are doctor prescribed for my multitude of legitimate mental illnesses and even a quack knows one needs to stay away from the benzos. I bet he bought his meds off the internet.

    2. BerkeleyBear

      Even the Supreme Court recognized that it is perfectly legal to restrict gun ownership or use by people with mental illness. But almost nobody tracks people's mental state well enough to actually enforce those restrictions in a meaningful, evidence based way.

  17. shortsandpants

    There should be a new drug for this, like everything else. Amazingly, the non-stick spray PAM has been the central ingredient to every kiddie-brain-drug made since 1684 A.D., and the results have been SWIMMINGLY. Never mind all those pesky "teen suicides" and "statistics" being thrown to the public by non-industry "think tanks," the objective here is population control, and for that Pfaizer (sp?) and Abbott are doing a bang-up job. Don't do drugs, kiddies! Take drugs! See the difference between "doing" and "taking?" They may be similar, but they are in different parts of the dictionary! You know… like "murder" is spelled differently than "homicide." TOTALLY different.

  18. prommie

    My doctor recently told me that I should start killing people. He didn't use those exact words, but he said I should reduce the level of stress in my life. Badoom-boom. Try the veal.

  19. Callyson

    You should know that your mental health may change in unexpected ways while you are taking this medication. It is hard to tell if these changes are caused by temazepam or if they are caused by physical or mental illnesses that you already have or suddenly develop. Tell your doctor right away if you experience any of the following symptoms: aggressiveness…hallucinations (seeing things or hearing voices that do not exist)..

    This millenium's update to the Twinkie defense…le sigh…

  20. MissTaken

    Fuck me. I can't even take Allegra-D without talking a mile a minute and feeling like my skin is crawling off my body. How the fuck does someone function on Temazepan and Adderall much less carry a loaded gun??

    1. sati_demise

      Exactly, it takes me a week to get over taking one sleeping pill so I can't take them at all.

    2. Wile E. Quixote

      Well it's because firearms have a really awesome and user-friendly UI that is easy to use even if you're insane, stupid and/or completely fucked up on alcohol, heavy-duty prescription meds or both. Seriously, the guys who designed the iPod interface are pikers compared to the designers at Smith and Wesson, Sturm Ruger, Colt, et al.

  21. SayItWithWookies

    The story's still the same, regardless of the drugs involved — and if Zimmerman was an actual trained neighborhood watch person, he'd have known that you don't get out of your damn car and start stalking a kid around the neighborhood.

    Where are the cops and other neighborhood watch organizations coming out and saying that this is precisely why, when they see suspicious activity, they're supposed to call the cops and let them handle it?

    Zimmerman broke the law, disobeyed police orders, didn't follow proper procedures, and killed an innocent kid. Nothing about that has changed since it happened.

    1. V572 Is this him?

      Fortunately he used a gun in doing all these things, so he's not hateful thug who wanted to harass a black kid to boost his own weak ego, but a heroic freedom fighter for the 2nd Amendment and its new handmaiden in anarchy, the Stand Your Ground law.

      It's always interesting to view this kind of crime through the would-this-have-happened-without-a-gun filter. Most of them never would. H

      It's also interesting to view these event through the what-if-the-perp-were-blah filter. Hoo-boy, imagine that.

    2. RavenRant

      Neighborhood Watch did come out, saying Zimmerman had no association with them, he wasn't ever trained by or a member of any Neighborhood Watch group, and everything he did is counter to their training.

      And still, EVERY media outlet refers to him as a Neighborhood Watch captain.

      Jurnamalizm!

  22. Chichikovovich

    No snark: I'm with Baconz above. The central problem is with the "stand your ground" laws, which guarantee that events like Trayvon Martin's shooting will happen.

    If Zimmerman escapes punishment, we shouldn't rail at the jury or the judge or the "justice system" in the abstract, because allowing people to do what Zimmerman did and then just walk free is precisely what the law was crafted to do! And unless we keep the spotlight on this fact, there will be more killings like this one, with complete impunity.

    1. edgydrifter

      Given his now-very-public history of drug and weapon use, I imagine many Floridians would feel threatened if they saw Zimmerman walking down the street towards them. Knowing this, Zimmerman will probably feel very, very threatened whenever he's out in public. Dude's going to become a travelling OK Corral–and nobody will ever be prosecuted for anything, because it's all legit.

      1. miss_grundy

        As long as he's walking down a street that has "Stand Your Ground" laws in effect.

        Of course, the media should now broadcast loud and clear that he was on these drugs and then we'll see what his supporters will say. On Friday, CNN was showing pictures of his face and the back of his head, which showed bruises and scratches that had bled. It's not certain that these occurred during the incident with Martin because he didn't go to the ER to get fixed up right away. But immediately the talking heads were acting as if these bruises and superficial cuts were deadly wounds. In the meantime, some poor kid died because he was wearing a hoodie and walking around while blah with an Arizona Iced Tea bottle and small bag of Skittles, because, obviously, to a drug-addled adult, these are weapons of destruction.

    2. Guppy

      Except packing while loaded may be the only way Zimmerman will be convicted of anything.

  23. Wile E. Quixote

    Hey, I resent that remark. I've taken prescription uppers and they've never made me want to stalk and kill black teenagers, or white teenagers, or anyone else for that matter. I've also taken, under prescription, oxycontin, hydrocodone, morphine and demerol and none of these drugs have ever made me want to stalk and kill black teenagers, or white teenagers, or anyone else for that matter. Nor have they turned me into Rush Limbaugh. However I'm still trying to figure out what it is I'm taking that makes me want to drop gun-totin, racist conservative dipshits feet-first into a log chipper. Is it caffeine? Aspirin? PBR? Single-malt scotch? Blended scotch? Kentucky Bourbon? Tabasco? Green Tabasco? Sriracha? Bacon? Or some combination of these tasty substances that has reduced my purity of essence to the point where I fantasize about feeding the kind of conservative idiot gun-nuts who back stupid "stand your ground" laws into a log chipper?

    I think that the best way for me to study this is with a federal grant. I will use my federal grant money to purchase large quantities of the substances mentioned above and increase my consumption of them to see if increased dosages cause a concomitant increase my urge to drop idiot gun-nuts into a log-chipper.

    1. GeneralLerong

      May I suggest Anchorage, Fairbanks, and Wasilla, Alaska, as a source of the chipper-ready nuts.

      "OK, on aspirin he only chipped three, but the rate drops to zero when he's baked."

      1. Oblios_Cap

        Hey, I resent that remark. I've taken prescription uppers

        As a person who has taken many more non-prescription drugs than prescribed ones, I can say they have never made me murderous or violent either.

  24. FakaktaSouth

    Adderall AND Temazepam? Seems wasteful. I see that this is supposed to be an effective thing, but that seems counter-productive. One is for sleeping, one's for jacking you up. Take one THEN the other when the first one wears off, depending on your need, not both at the same time or obviously you have to kill people.

  25. Maman

    YEAH! A criminal with a mental illness is allowed to carry a concealed weapon and stalk his neighbors. Thank you unrestrained 2nd Amendment!

    1. PubOption

      You could argue that Zimmerman was a one-man militia, but he was not well-regulated.

  26. SorosBot

    "Temazepam, also known as Restoril, is known to cause insomnia and anxiety"

    Hey I get those without the need for any drugs; I must be lucky.

  27. smrtmnky

    so, if trayvon hadn't been under the influence of the evil loco weed, he would not have had the munchies and gone out for his snacks?

    stoned your ground

  28. sati_demise

    The Stand Your Ground laws should be renamed the Chase Them Down laws.

    Because the only people who have been successful so far in this claim chased down people and killed them.

    The one person who did 'stand her ground', Marissa Alexander,
    is doing 20 YEARS of hard time for shooting a ceiling.

    1. arcadesproject

      everybody knows that 'stand your ground' is a white guy thing. womenfolk, especially women-of-color folk, had better not even think about shooting the ceiling.

  29. ingloriousbytch

    Wonkette, with all the pot smokers we have on this site how could you not know it's spelled "Funyons?"

    You're not at all who I thought you were.

      1. ingloriousbytch

        Ha! You're right! Mea culpa. (What's that expression about when you point a finger there are three pointing back at you?)

        I'll have to admit that I'm really a mesquite Krunchers girl.

  30. BenGleck

    I take Temazapam to sleep. And this, if Adderal is speed, mixed with speed is sup-posed to do what? Predictions anyone?

  31. ttommyunger

    Machs Nix to me who was on what. Zimmerman was a cop wannabee who had made himself well known to the cops. They tolerated him knowing he was a "Buff" looking for trouble and armed to the teeth. No excuse for that, no matter who his fucking daddy is. He was looking for trouble and he made it happen. He needs about twenty years hard time to think about his place on Earth and the life he took.

      1. ttommyunger

        Someone whohangs around the Precinct, wants to “ride along” and has let it be known he wants a career in law enforcement. Often there is a physical (or mental/emotional) problem preventing that choice.

  32. smrtmnky

    so, if trayvon hadn't been under the influence of the evil loco weed, he would not have had the munchies and gone out for his snacks?

  33. RavenRant

    I wonder how many of the mass shootings – high school, college campus, mall, etc. – are committed by people on psychoactive prescription drugs?

  34. DahBoner

    Weed?

    That's nothing compared to Hillbilly Heroin

    I heard that stuff makes you fat, smoke nasty smelling cigars and fly down to the Domican Republic with a suitcase full of off-brand Viagra to have sex with underaged boys.

    Right, Rush?

  35. arcadesproject

    if i mentally go back in time and remember my experience with marijuana I quite clearly remember giggling, eating lots of potato chips and, when I got the really good stuff, seeing things that probably were not actually there. (like a door frame in day glo colors jumping off the door instead of just staying there being brown,. and other such). but i don't remember anytthing about aggression. i mean, nobody feels aggressive when they are contemplating, for example, the wonderful magnificanse of a fluorescent green ant.)

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