Hey teens! Are you ready for the most magical night of your lives, when you will go to Manitou Springs City Hall and dance like you are pretending to do butt-sechs, and then later you will finally lose your stupid virginity in a haze of Bartles & Jaymes? That’s right, PROM NIGHT!
Well, two chaperones did not think much of your “slutty, whorish, trashy” ways, and so they ran around the dance calling you sluts and whores, calling the cops on you, and then spraying you with Lysol. “It cleans the air,” but can it clean your chlamydia?
As detailed by police, several teenagers told officers that the chaperones subsequently deployed the Lysol, which got into the eyes and mouths of some dancers (some of whom had to leave the prom). A female student reported the spraying to police, saying that [Jennifer] Farmer and [Hannah] Rockey said that some dancers “were advertising butt sex.” The chaperones, the girl told cops, referred to her and her friends as “sluts and whores” and “dirty.”
Who were these charming chaperones? According to The Smoking Gun, one was a former schoolboard member! And both were wearing combat boots and fatigues? That seems like a weird outfit for Prom, very Timothy McVeigh. Manitou Springs is a lovely little hippy-dippy artist neighborhood near the Focus on the Family stronghold of Colorado Springs. (Fun fact! Possibly better known to readers under 16 as Panem’s The Capitol.)
Both women were charged with harassment, and “directing obscene language to another in a public place.” FOR JESUS! This is the greatest assault to religious liberty since Barack Obama said women could go to the doctor.
[TSG]
{ 154 comments }
Yes, buttsecks is back!
Marcus is on the way to help.
Wonkette returns to its roots!
I heard that Justin Timberlake brought it back.
It left?
Damn kids these days. In my day, we saved the buttsecks for AFTER the prom, in the back seat of the Chevy.
Back in my day kids were forced to go to their girlfriend's parents house after Prom to watch a VHS of Karate Kid 2 while being intermittently jerked off under a blanket when the coast was clear
When Buttsechs Attacks!
Starring Dana Andrews and Patricia Neal.
No one will be admitted after the music starts!
Wasn't Brisdull a spokesperson for Lysol?
One degree of Kevin Bacon.
There's a long tradition of this at proms down here in North Carolina. It just only involves interracial couples.
Rick Santorum needed something to do until the convention.
Was he with his dog?
When dealing with Santorum, you need something more powerful than Lysol.
Another big opening for Santorum!
Was this dance chaperoned by Muslim ladies?
he women remarked that students “are dancing like they are having sex with clothes on.” The chaperones, Stone added, then expressed concerns that the dance made the girls look “trashy, dirty, and whorish.”
And the guys looked…?
Double standard much?
Assholes.
Lysol is not the preferred lubricant for anal sex.
Closeted Lesbians…
Definitely. 100% true, this. "…the chaperones–who were dressed in combat boots, military fatigues, and military undershirts…" At a prom? Case closed.
"advertising butt sex"
Butt Sex, Butt Sex, get your hot Butt Sex over here! BUTT SEX!!
First blowjobs, now buttsex. I love it whenever I meet a three-holer.
I feel like I'm down at the navy yard.
Then shouldn't you be offering the blowjobs and buttsechs?
I'll take 10.
Now THAT'S a pitch.
Butt Sex, Butt Sex, get your hot BUTTERED Butt Sex over here! BUTT SEX!!
fixt
(Timberlake croons…) Come on down to ButtSexville!!
Can you yell this while dressed as a 1940s tomboy newsgirl? Oh, and call me "Captain Steve Rogers."
MissTaken screaming for butt sex is the siren call luring mariners to their doom. Lash yourselves to the masts when nearing San Francisco!
Thats why you always have to wear an American flag dress.
Confederate Stars and Bars are whats in. All the kids are doing it.
This year's "in" accessory is a male slave.
Yeah, I said it. Wanna' fight about it?
Farmer and Rockey were later cited for harassment, though the alleged spraying did not figure in the criminal counts. The chaperones “directed obscene language to another in a public place,” according to criminal complaints.
Spraying high school kids with Lysol isn't criminal, but using obscene language *is*? The fuck?!?
students “are dancing like they are having sex with clothes on.”
Uh, hey stupid lady, that's what dancing is.
Lysol kills 99% of anything.
The other 1% are, well, the 1%.
The chaperones, the girl told cops, referred to her and her friends as “sluts and whores” and “dirty.”
Confusing. No boys were involved?
As always, violence is perfectly OK, sex is not.
Welcome to America
Lysol?! Everyone knows you stop the butt-sex-with-clothes-on with Pine Sol.
Aren't these chaperones worried about wax build-up?
A bucket of cold water works, too, also. Not that I would know.
Nuh-uh. You're not gonna make me choose which is actually stupider: "freak dancing" teens or chaperones with Lysol.
In Afghanistan and Pakistan, women have acid thrown in their faces.
Thank God that the Christian morality police in US America don't use chemical attacks to enforce social norms.
How would even an expert prom chaperone distinguish pantomime butt-sex from pantomime doggie-style sex? That's what I want to know.
This was actually the first thing that crossed my mind. I find it sad that a couple of gals might never have had regular ol' vag play four-on-the-floor.
Uh, from the pantomime post-coital clean-up?
I was gonna say from the pantomime santorum.
Two dudes is a "tell".
pantomime post-pantomime sex locker room talk?
Sometimes it takes high school students years to understand how hard their teachers worked to make them what they are today.
It takes years, and a very competent therapist.
Comment of the day.
But saddlebacking was the new, contraception-free way to preserve one's virginity and reputation, for Jesus. No longer?
Rick Warren wept.
Wiki fun:
This Lysol solution was also used as a birth control agent, as post-coital douching was a popular method of preventing pregnancy at that time.
….some alcoholics use some formulations of Lysol as a beverage…
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lysol
Lysol=abortion. BAN IT!!!!!!!
And some people do both!
You shit! I almost choked on a grape !
Ergo, the chaperones were old school douches. QED.
Lysol? Any decent jacked booted camo wearing house wife knows that 4 out of 5 said jacked booted camo sporting house wives use Whizzer disinfectant on butt secks teens.
Sheesh. Bet they can't even make a good BLT sandwich.
They always put on the wrong sauce.
I thought Lysol was an odd choice, too. WTF – their taser broken?
Coming to TLC this Summer, the exciting new reality series, American Mutaween!
While their hearts are in the right place, Farmer and Rockey have no sense of tact. A Glade PlugIn would have done the trick and made the entire gymnasium smell of lavender.
OOOOH, or a Glade ButtplugIn might nip it all in the bud!
They could have said "this is a good place for a Stick-Up® "
I don't think it was butt sex that the dancing girls were advertising, rather it was the rear entry method. You know, like doggy style.
Edit: Or, what Spurning Beer said.
I don't understand. Can you please describe this 'doggy style' with more detail? Pictures will help, too.
I'd act it out for you, but I'm sitting in a cube farm.
I think I can help here. Imagine a dog is humping your leg. Now imagine you're lying on your stomach.
The whole point of dancing is surreptitious public foreplay. These kids might have been guilty of tacky obviousness, but let's not pretend there's any other reason for moving rhythmically next to a comely partner in a darkened room, Lysol-brandishers.
Advertising butt sex:
"But wait, there's more!!"
How much would YOU pay for this stinking asshole?!
"Now presenting . . .!"
If you can within the next 5 minutes we'll throw in an additional butt sex for free!
Just pay processing.
Can i get "another" for just shipping and handling'?
"This is a limited offer, only 5 butt sex per household."
I'm not buying until I hear about the Ginsu knives.
Zombie Billy Mays Libel!
Only her hairdresser knows for sure!
Where's Carrie White when she's really needed?
In an odd twist, the ladies sprayed new Lysol Fire Island™ scent and ended up making the whole place smell like butt play.
Both chaperones told the cop that bumping and grinding was “filthy” and “similar to what you would see on MTV.”
That's right, kids — I don't want to see anything that wouldn't be clean enough to appear on the cover of the Saturday Evening Post. And no making out in the rumble seat.
No spooning in your flivver!
WTF???
Jamie's got a gun?
I fully expect the Animated Adventures of Farmer and Rockey, Grime Fighters to debut on CBN this fall.
In the late 1920s Lysol disinfectant began being marketed by maker Lysol, Incorporated and distributor Lehn & Fink, Inc. as a feminine hygiene product. They intimated that vaginal douching with a diluted Lysol solution prevented infections and vaginal odor, and thereby preserved youth and marital bliss. This Lysol solution was also used as a birth control agent, as post-coital douching was a popular method of preventing pregnancy at that time. The use of Lysol was later discouraged by the medical community as it tended to eliminate the bacteria normal to the healthy vagina, thus allowing more robust, health-threatening bacteria to thrive, and may have masked more serious problems that certain odors indicated in the first place.
Cruel irony here.
Maybe those high school girls had stinky pussies.
Hey Rockey, watch me pull morality outta my ass!
That trick never works.
time to get a new ass…….
"Nothin' up my sleeve…"
Uh, Rockey, that's not your sleeve.
Again?
You know who else eventually became known as one of humanity's worst "exterminator" failures?
Arnold Schwarzennegar? You know, the ex-Terminator.
Schwarzenegger was a pretty crappy ex-Terminator as governor.
Tom DeLay?
William S. Burroughs?
Sylvester the Cat? That kangaroo kicked his ass.
Dow Chemical?
Musta been Baptists
"No buttsexing! It might lead to dancing!"
WIN
I will not stand for the War on Buttsex.
Yeah, standing looks like it'd be uncomfortable. Works better with a pillow under the pelvis, no?
I think that's the least we can ask for.
I remember The Farmer and Rockey Show sponsored by Lysol.
Not quite as popular as Rocky and Bullwinkle.
They probably wouldn't have cared for a Truck Nutz bow tie either.
Pretend buttsechs could lead to dancing.
Prom = Orgy. (Having skipped out on all of mine, that's how I imagine it.)
Focus on the Family is embracing Sharia Law. Osama Bin Laden wins the prom!
Advertising butt sex? I believe that's usually done discretely in coded language invoking a certain nationality. Or that's what they tell me. But dancing?
Were they making like Zorba?
Are we struggling for news today Rebecca?
There must be something from Joe the Non-plumber though, surely?
I don't even know how to begin to explain this story to my foreign friends.
"Well, you see we in the United States have the saying 'Bat Shit Insane'…"
Point out that at least the closeted camo-lezbo mothers didn't stone their own children to death. This is better. It's why we're exceptional.
I blame Obama.
At least they didn't use a bucket of pig's blood.
Bucket of pig santorum?
I thought teh buttsecks was perfectly okay for those saving themselves for marriage and Jesus and what not?
A quick internet search turns up the warnings for Lysol added below. How the hell can those two not be charged with assault?
Respiratory Hazards
Lysol contains the pesticide alkyl dimethyl benzyl ammonium chloride that can irritate respiratory function and aggravate existing conditions such as asthma. Ammonium also creates a hazardous gas when mixed with other cleaning products that contain bleach.
Denatured ethanol is another respiratory irritant found in Lysol… overexposure to ethanol can cause irritation of the eyes and mucous membranes and may cause central nervous system depression.
Eye Hazards
Formaldehyde and hydrochloric acid are ingredients in Lysol, according to The College of Biological Sciences at Ohio State University. These chemicals can cause permanent damage when they come in contact with the eyes, potentially leading to blindness. The warning labels on Lysol products warn to avoid eye contact and to flush with cold water in the occurrence of exposure.
Ingestion Hazards
The U.S. Department of Health & Human Services lists diethylene glycol monobutyl ether as an ingredient in Lysol. This chemical can cause liver, kidney and blood-related health issues in animals when ingested or exposed to in high amounts. Labels on Lysol clearly state to avoid inducing vomiting and seek medical attention or call Poison Control in the case of ingestion.
Had one of the chaperons seen this, I'm sure she would have thought twice and brought a can of oven cleaner instead.
These women need to clean up their acts.
Chaperones in fatigues? Were they upset at what the girls were doing or upset that they were doing it wrong? (After all, this is pretty close to the AF Academy)
That's right kids, you too can have your prom security handled by professional Xe Consultants.
BILLY MAYS HERE WITH LYSOL ANTI-SEX, IT"S LIKE CHRISTIANITY IN A CAN
You'd better trademark the last four words of your post before some, uh, unbalanced person does it. Hilarious.
Pity that none of these kids were packing heat. I think having someone spray Lysol on you at a high school dance is definitely grounds for standing your ground.
Wait just a minute here!!! Women can go to the doctor? When did this start? Does the GOP know about this?
Sodomy
Is such a lonely word.
And mostly what I need from you.
Around here, it's just not a party until someone sprays Lysol in your crotch.
If there's one thing I learned from law school, it's this: you can't spray a whore (or Tony Perkins) in the face with Lysol.
Their original plan was to ram Swiffer® Wet Jets® in their crotches.
I'll wait for Bristol Palin to stop having sex from behind with her trial groom so she she can giver her opinion.
Lysol to clean up fake butt sex cooties? No, no, no. Everyone knows you use Fabreze.
That shit's a permanent stink. It's like tatooing a smell.
See what happens when you don't buy the prom tickets and then try to sneak in the back door!!
Dear Lord, please let the wayward actions of thy humble servants result in criminal penalties and a huge civil award. Amen.
Just look at these two American heroes!!
http://i.cdn.turner.com/dr/teg/tsg/release/sites/…
I know those square-jawed profiles would put the thought of filling a nubile dance-partner's moneymaker right out of my teenaged mind!
Women can go to the doctor now? We are getting too damn liberal!
'Some dancers “were advertising butt sex.”"
I would think the ones who are really good at it don't have to advertise.
Buttsechs! Get your buttsechs here! Buttsechs! Buttsechs for sale!
Why aren't these two at "Dancing with the Stars" with their cans of Lysol?
Why weren't they spraying the Priest at their church?
Later, they sprayed their TV sets during Dancing With the Stars, except for Brisket. Lysol is good for many God things, says the good book.
I have a friend who lives in Colorado Springs, and she is always trying to get me to move there, from Denver. Soon, I think, I will at least get to stop explaining why that will never happen.
I present, for your viewing pleasure, Columbine 2: Electric Boogaloo.
Buttsechs needs no advertising. Should have simply put up a sign: No Fucking on the Dance Floor & No Dancing on the Fucking Floor". FIXED!
Even the waltz. People fucked differently back in those days.
I'm trying to work out in my mind how one fucks in 3/4 time…OK, I think you have to come "up" on an angle, and then move laterally before the downstroke. I'll throw together one of those old-fashioned dance diagrams in a pdf, if anyone's confused.
You've been listening to your Clarence Carter "Strokin'" album, haven't you? It's like a concept album by some 70s band, but about fucking.
Right! "East-west" on the "2-3"!
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