FOCUS ON YOUR OWN DAMN FAMILY  12:43 pm May 16, 2012

Heroic Colorado Ladies Lysol Students At Prom For Pretending To Do Butt-Sechs

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Nobody puts Baby in the cornerHey teens! Are you ready for the most magical night of your lives, when you will go to Manitou Springs City Hall and dance like you are pretending to do butt-sechs, and then later you will finally lose your stupid virginity in a haze of Bartles & Jaymes? That’s right, PROM NIGHT!

Well, two chaperones did not think much of your “slutty, whorish, trashy” ways, and so they ran around the dance calling you sluts and whores, calling the cops on you, and then spraying you with Lysol. “It cleans the air,” but can it clean your chlamydia?

As detailed by police, several teenagers told officers that the chaperones subsequently deployed the Lysol, which got into the eyes and mouths of some dancers (some of whom had to leave the prom). A female student reported the spraying to police, saying that [Jennifer] Farmer and [Hannah] Rockey said that some dancers “were advertising butt sex.” The chaperones, the girl told cops, referred to her and her friends as “sluts and whores” and “dirty.”

Who were these charming chaperones? According to The Smoking Gun, one was a former schoolboard member! And both were wearing combat boots and fatigues? That seems like a weird outfit for Prom, very Timothy McVeigh. Manitou Springs is a lovely little hippy-dippy artist neighborhood near the Focus on the Family stronghold of Colorado Springs. (Fun fact! Possibly better known to readers under 16 as Panem’s The Capitol.)

Both women were charged with harassment, and “directing obscene language to another in a public place.” FOR JESUS! This is the greatest assault to religious liberty since Barack Obama said women could go to the doctor.

[TSG]

 
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{ 154 comments }

ChilLysol May 16, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Yes, buttsecks is back!

nounverb911 May 16, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Marcus is on the way to help.

HistoriCat May 16, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Wonkette returns to its roots!

Baconzgood May 16, 2012 at 1:07 pm

I heard that Justin Timberlake brought it back.

Geminisunmars May 16, 2012 at 1:42 pm

It left?

Infrogmation May 16, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Damn kids these days. In my day, we saved the buttsecks for AFTER the prom, in the back seat of the Chevy.

GregComlish May 16, 2012 at 6:27 pm

Back in my day kids were forced to go to their girlfriend's parents house after Prom to watch a VHS of Karate Kid 2 while being intermittently jerked off under a blanket when the coast was clear

Steverino247 May 16, 2012 at 12:47 pm

When Buttsechs Attacks!

Starring Dana Andrews and Patricia Neal.

No one will be admitted after the music starts!

Chill-A-Sketch May 16, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Wasn't Brisdull a spokesperson for Lysol?

gullywompr May 16, 2012 at 12:47 pm

One degree of Kevin Bacon.

randcoolcatdaddy May 16, 2012 at 12:48 pm

There's a long tradition of this at proms down here in North Carolina. It just only involves interracial couples.

devenderly May 16, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Rick Santorum needed something to do until the convention.

nounverb911 May 16, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Was he with his dog?

Chill-A-Sketch May 16, 2012 at 12:55 pm

When dealing with Santorum, you need something more powerful than Lysol.

Infrogmation May 16, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Another big opening for Santorum!

BaldarTFlagass May 16, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Was this dance chaperoned by Muslim ladies?

Callyson May 16, 2012 at 12:50 pm

he women remarked that students “are dancing like they are having sex with clothes on.” The chaperones, Stone added, then expressed concerns that the dance made the girls look “trashy, dirty, and whorish.”

And the guys looked…?

Double standard much?

Assholes.

BaldarTFlagass May 16, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Lysol is not the preferred lubricant for anal sex.

Flat_Earther May 16, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Closeted Lesbians…

Veritas78 May 16, 2012 at 8:08 pm

Definitely. 100% true, this. "…the chaperones–who were dressed in combat boots, military fatigues, and military undershirts…" At a prom? Case closed.

MissTaken May 16, 2012 at 12:50 pm

"advertising butt sex"

Butt Sex, Butt Sex, get your hot Butt Sex over here! BUTT SEX!!

BaldarTFlagass May 16, 2012 at 12:56 pm

First blowjobs, now buttsex. I love it whenever I meet a three-holer.

SorosBot May 16, 2012 at 1:03 pm

I feel like I'm down at the navy yard.

HistoriCat May 16, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Then shouldn't you be offering the blowjobs and buttsechs?

Baconzgood May 16, 2012 at 1:08 pm

I'll take 10.

Mittens Howell, III May 16, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Now THAT'S a pitch.

Geminisunmars May 16, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Butt Sex, Butt Sex, get your hot BUTTERED Butt Sex over here! BUTT SEX!!

fixt

Chet Kincaid May 16, 2012 at 2:32 pm

(Timberlake croons…) Come on down to ButtSexville!!

Chet Kincaid May 16, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Can you yell this while dressed as a 1940s tomboy newsgirl? Oh, and call me "Captain Steve Rogers."

Steverino247 May 16, 2012 at 2:28 pm

MissTaken screaming for butt sex is the siren call luring mariners to their doom. Lash yourselves to the masts when nearing San Francisco!

SudsMcKenzie May 16, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Thats why you always have to wear an American flag dress.

Trannysurprise May 16, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Confederate Stars and Bars are whats in. All the kids are doing it.

Negropolis May 17, 2012 at 1:21 am

This year's "in" accessory is a male slave.

Yeah, I said it. Wanna' fight about it?

Callyson May 16, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Farmer and Rockey were later cited for harassment, though the alleged spraying did not figure in the criminal counts. The chaperones “directed obscene language to another in a public place,” according to criminal complaints.

Spraying high school kids with Lysol isn't criminal, but using obscene language *is*? The fuck?!?

BaldarTFlagass May 16, 2012 at 12:52 pm

students “are dancing like they are having sex with clothes on.”

Uh, hey stupid lady, that's what dancing is.

WhatTheHeck May 16, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Lysol kills 99% of anything.
The other 1% are, well, the 1%.

Schmannnity May 16, 2012 at 12:54 pm

The chaperones, the girl told cops, referred to her and her friends as “sluts and whores” and “dirty.”

Confusing. No boys were involved?

SorosBot May 16, 2012 at 12:54 pm

As always, violence is perfectly OK, sex is not.

iburl May 16, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Welcome to America

MissTaken May 16, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Lysol?! Everyone knows you stop the butt-sex-with-clothes-on with Pine Sol.

Generation[redacted] May 16, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Aren't these chaperones worried about wax build-up?

Jimmyone May 16, 2012 at 2:34 pm

A bucket of cold water works, too, also. Not that I would know.

Lascauxcaveman May 16, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Nuh-uh. You're not gonna make me choose which is actually stupider: "freak dancing" teens or chaperones with Lysol.

Doktor StrangeZoom May 16, 2012 at 12:55 pm

In Afghanistan and Pakistan, women have acid thrown in their faces.

Thank God that the Christian morality police in US America don't use chemical attacks to enforce social norms.

Spurning Beer May 16, 2012 at 12:56 pm

How would even an expert prom chaperone distinguish pantomime butt-sex from pantomime doggie-style sex? That's what I want to know.

BornInATrailer May 16, 2012 at 1:03 pm

This was actually the first thing that crossed my mind. I find it sad that a couple of gals might never have had regular ol' vag play four-on-the-floor.

SmutBoffin May 16, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Uh, from the pantomime post-coital clean-up?

Geminisunmars May 16, 2012 at 1:49 pm

I was gonna say from the pantomime santorum.

Chet Kincaid May 16, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Two dudes is a "tell".

spinozasgod May 16, 2012 at 2:41 pm

pantomime post-pantomime sex locker room talk?

Tundra Grifter May 16, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Sometimes it takes high school students years to understand how hard their teachers worked to make them what they are today.

carolinaswamp May 16, 2012 at 1:42 pm

It takes years, and a very competent therapist.

bikerlaureate May 16, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Comment of the day.

friendlyskies May 16, 2012 at 12:56 pm

But saddlebacking was the new, contraception-free way to preserve one's virginity and reputation, for Jesus. No longer?

Rick Warren wept.

Blueb4sunrise May 16, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Wiki fun:

This Lysol solution was also used as a birth control agent, as post-coital douching was a popular method of preventing pregnancy at that time.

….some alcoholics use some formulations of Lysol as a beverage…
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lysol

Baconzgood May 16, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Lysol=abortion. BAN IT!!!!!!!

not that Radio May 16, 2012 at 1:25 pm

And some people do both!

Blueb4sunrise May 16, 2012 at 3:34 pm

You shit! I almost choked on a grape !

Infrogmation May 16, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Ergo, the chaperones were old school douches. QED.

Baconzgood May 16, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Lysol? Any decent jacked booted camo wearing house wife knows that 4 out of 5 said jacked booted camo sporting house wives use Whizzer disinfectant on butt secks teens.

Sheesh. Bet they can't even make a good BLT sandwich.

kissawookiee May 16, 2012 at 1:12 pm

They always put on the wrong sauce.

chicken_thief May 16, 2012 at 1:36 pm

I thought Lysol was an odd choice, too. WTF – their taser broken?

Doktor StrangeZoom May 16, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Coming to TLC this Summer, the exciting new reality series, American Mutaween!

CapnFatback May 16, 2012 at 12:58 pm

While their hearts are in the right place, Farmer and Rockey have no sense of tact. A Glade PlugIn would have done the trick and made the entire gymnasium smell of lavender.

CapnFatback May 16, 2012 at 1:14 pm

OOOOH, or a Glade ButtplugIn might nip it all in the bud!

Neoyorquino May 16, 2012 at 3:21 pm

They could have said "this is a good place for a Stick-Up® "

BaldarTFlagass May 16, 2012 at 12:59 pm

I don't think it was butt sex that the dancing girls were advertising, rather it was the rear entry method. You know, like doggy style.

Edit: Or, what Spurning Beer said.

MissTaken May 16, 2012 at 1:08 pm

I don't understand. Can you please describe this 'doggy style' with more detail? Pictures will help, too.

BaldarTFlagass May 16, 2012 at 1:11 pm

I'd act it out for you, but I'm sitting in a cube farm.

Spurning Beer May 16, 2012 at 1:16 pm

I think I can help here. Imagine a dog is humping your leg. Now imagine you're lying on your stomach.

edgydrifter May 16, 2012 at 12:59 pm

The whole point of dancing is surreptitious public foreplay. These kids might have been guilty of tacky obviousness, but let's not pretend there's any other reason for moving rhythmically next to a comely partner in a darkened room, Lysol-brandishers.

Mittens Howell, III May 16, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Advertising butt sex:

"But wait, there's more!!"

Dashboard Buddha May 16, 2012 at 1:03 pm

How much would YOU pay for this stinking asshole?!

CapnFatback May 16, 2012 at 1:04 pm

"Now presenting . . .!"

MissTaken May 16, 2012 at 1:09 pm

If you can within the next 5 minutes we'll throw in an additional butt sex for free!

Baconzgood May 16, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Just pay processing.

SudsMcKenzie May 16, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Can i get "another" for just shipping and handling'?

Baconzgood May 16, 2012 at 1:12 pm

"This is a limited offer, only 5 butt sex per household."

LesBontemps May 16, 2012 at 1:22 pm

I'm not buying until I hear about the Ginsu knives.

not that Radio May 16, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Zombie Billy Mays Libel!

Exhausted66 May 16, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Only her hairdresser knows for sure!

Doktor StrangeZoom May 16, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Where's Carrie White when she's really needed?

BornInATrailer May 16, 2012 at 1:00 pm

In an odd twist, the ladies sprayed new Lysol Fire Island™ scent and ended up making the whole place smell like butt play.

SayItWithWookies May 16, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Both chaperones told the cop that bumping and grinding was “filthy” and “similar to what you would see on MTV.”

That's right, kids — I don't want to see anything that wouldn't be clean enough to appear on the cover of the Saturday Evening Post. And no making out in the rumble seat.

BaldarTFlagass May 16, 2012 at 1:08 pm

No spooning in your flivver!

proudgrampa May 16, 2012 at 1:01 pm

WTF???

James Michael Curley May 16, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Jamie's got a gun?

CapnFatback May 16, 2012 at 1:01 pm

I fully expect the Animated Adventures of Farmer and Rockey, Grime Fighters to debut on CBN this fall.

ManchuCandidate May 16, 2012 at 1:01 pm

In the late 1920s Lysol disinfectant began being marketed by maker Lysol, Incorporated and distributor Lehn & Fink, Inc. as a feminine hygiene product. They intimated that vaginal douching with a diluted Lysol solution prevented infections and vaginal odor, and thereby preserved youth and marital bliss. This Lysol solution was also used as a birth control agent, as post-coital douching was a popular method of preventing pregnancy at that time. The use of Lysol was later discouraged by the medical community as it tended to eliminate the bacteria normal to the healthy vagina, thus allowing more robust, health-threatening bacteria to thrive, and may have masked more serious problems that certain odors indicated in the first place.

Cruel irony here.

BaldarTFlagass May 16, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Maybe those high school girls had stinky pussies.

Doktor StrangeZoom May 16, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Hey Rockey, watch me pull morality outta my ass!

BaldarTFlagass May 16, 2012 at 1:05 pm

That trick never works.

spinozasgod May 16, 2012 at 2:46 pm

time to get a new ass…….

Spurning Beer May 16, 2012 at 1:11 pm

"Nothin' up my sleeve…"

Uh, Rockey, that's not your sleeve.

not that Radio May 16, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Again?

Mumbletypeg May 16, 2012 at 1:02 pm

You know who else eventually became known as one of humanity's worst "exterminator" failures?

Spurning Beer May 16, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Arnold Schwarzennegar? You know, the ex-Terminator.

Chichikovovich May 16, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Schwarzenegger was a pretty crappy ex-Terminator as governor.

HistoriCat May 16, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Tom DeLay?

not that Radio May 16, 2012 at 1:29 pm

William S. Burroughs?

SayItWithWookies May 16, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Sylvester the Cat? That kangaroo kicked his ass.

horsedreamer_1 May 16, 2012 at 9:26 pm

Dow Chemical?

Dashboard Buddha May 16, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Musta been Baptists

LesBontemps May 16, 2012 at 1:25 pm

"No buttsexing! It might lead to dancing!"

Negropolis May 17, 2012 at 1:33 am

WIN

anniegetyerfun May 16, 2012 at 1:05 pm

I will not stand for the War on Buttsex.

MosesInvests May 16, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Yeah, standing looks like it'd be uncomfortable. Works better with a pillow under the pelvis, no?

anniegetyerfun May 16, 2012 at 1:36 pm

I think that's the least we can ask for.

IncenseDebate May 16, 2012 at 1:06 pm

I remember The Farmer and Rockey Show sponsored by Lysol.
Not quite as popular as Rocky and Bullwinkle.

chascates May 16, 2012 at 1:06 pm

They probably wouldn't have cared for a Truck Nutz bow tie either.

IncenseDebate May 16, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Pretend buttsechs could lead to dancing.

Sharkey May 16, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Prom = Orgy. (Having skipped out on all of mine, that's how I imagine it.)

Eve8Apples May 16, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Focus on the Family is embracing Sharia Law. Osama Bin Laden wins the prom!

el_donaldo May 16, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Advertising butt sex? I believe that's usually done discretely in coded language invoking a certain nationality. Or that's what they tell me. But dancing?

Were they making like Zorba?

sewollef May 16, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Are we struggling for news today Rebecca?

There must be something from Joe the Non-plumber though, surely?

gunnergoz May 16, 2012 at 1:11 pm

I don't even know how to begin to explain this story to my foreign friends.

Baconzgood May 16, 2012 at 1:14 pm

"Well, you see we in the United States have the saying 'Bat Shit Insane'…"

Veritas78 May 16, 2012 at 8:13 pm

Point out that at least the closeted camo-lezbo mothers didn't stone their own children to death. This is better. It's why we're exceptional.

Dildeaux May 16, 2012 at 1:12 pm

I blame Obama.

BaldarTFlagass May 16, 2012 at 1:12 pm

At least they didn't use a bucket of pig's blood.

BornInATrailer May 16, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Bucket of pig santorum?

CrunchyKnee May 16, 2012 at 1:13 pm

I thought teh buttsecks was perfectly okay for those saving themselves for marriage and Jesus and what not?

Chichikovovich May 16, 2012 at 1:13 pm

A quick internet search turns up the warnings for Lysol added below. How the hell can those two not be charged with assault?

Respiratory Hazards
Lysol contains the pesticide alkyl dimethyl benzyl ammonium chloride that can irritate respiratory function and aggravate existing conditions such as asthma. Ammonium also creates a hazardous gas when mixed with other cleaning products that contain bleach.

Denatured ethanol is another respiratory irritant found in Lysol… overexposure to ethanol can cause irritation of the eyes and mucous membranes and may cause central nervous system depression.

Eye Hazards
Formaldehyde and hydrochloric acid are ingredients in Lysol, according to The College of Biological Sciences at Ohio State University. These chemicals can cause permanent damage when they come in contact with the eyes, potentially leading to blindness. The warning labels on Lysol products warn to avoid eye contact and to flush with cold water in the occurrence of exposure.

Ingestion Hazards
The U.S. Department of Health & Human Services lists diethylene glycol monobutyl ether as an ingredient in Lysol. This chemical can cause liver, kidney and blood-related health issues in animals when ingested or exposed to in high amounts. Labels on Lysol clearly state to avoid inducing vomiting and seek medical attention or call Poison Control in the case of ingestion.

ArthurEther May 16, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Had one of the chaperons seen this, I'm sure she would have thought twice and brought a can of oven cleaner instead.

natoslug May 16, 2012 at 1:14 pm

These women need to clean up their acts.

GeorgiaBurning May 16, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Chaperones in fatigues? Were they upset at what the girls were doing or upset that they were doing it wrong? (After all, this is pretty close to the AF Academy)

Generation[redacted] May 16, 2012 at 1:20 pm

That's right kids, you too can have your prom security handled by professional Xe Consultants.

Hedley_Lamarr May 16, 2012 at 1:32 pm

BILLY MAYS HERE WITH LYSOL ANTI-SEX, IT"S LIKE CHRISTIANITY IN A CAN

bikerlaureate May 16, 2012 at 3:42 pm

You'd better trademark the last four words of your post before some, uh, unbalanced person does it. Hilarious.

Wile E. Quixote May 16, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Pity that none of these kids were packing heat. I think having someone spray Lysol on you at a high school dance is definitely grounds for standing your ground.

Nowisallthereis May 16, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Wait just a minute here!!! Women can go to the doctor? When did this start? Does the GOP know about this?

BaldarTFlagass May 16, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Sodomy
Is such a lonely word.
And mostly what I need from you.

johnnyzhivago May 16, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Around here, it's just not a party until someone sprays Lysol in your crotch.

HippieEsq May 16, 2012 at 1:51 pm

If there's one thing I learned from law school, it's this: you can't spray a whore (or Tony Perkins) in the face with Lysol.

Chet Kincaid May 16, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Their original plan was to ram Swiffer® Wet Jets® in their crotches.

Exhausted66 May 16, 2012 at 1:55 pm

I'll wait for Bristol Palin to stop having sex from behind with her trial groom so she she can giver her opinion.

Come here a minute May 16, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Lysol to clean up fake butt sex cooties? No, no, no. Everyone knows you use Fabreze.

Veritas78 May 16, 2012 at 8:16 pm

That shit's a permanent stink. It's like tatooing a smell.

rickmaci May 16, 2012 at 2:12 pm

See what happens when you don't buy the prom tickets and then try to sneak in the back door!!

OneYieldRegular May 16, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Dear Lord, please let the wayward actions of thy humble servants result in criminal penalties and a huge civil award. Amen.

Chet Kincaid May 16, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Just look at these two American heroes!!
http://i.cdn.turner.com/dr/teg/tsg/release/sites/

I know those square-jawed profiles would put the thought of filling a nubile dance-partner's moneymaker right out of my teenaged mind!

niblick77 May 16, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Women can go to the doctor now? We are getting too damn liberal!

Neoyorquino May 16, 2012 at 3:18 pm

'Some dancers “were advertising butt sex.”"

I would think the ones who are really good at it don't have to advertise.

a_pink_poodle May 16, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Buttsechs! Get your buttsechs here! Buttsechs! Buttsechs for sale!

fitley May 16, 2012 at 5:36 pm

Why aren't these two at "Dancing with the Stars" with their cans of Lysol?

fitley May 16, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Why weren't they spraying the Priest at their church?

owhatever May 16, 2012 at 6:28 pm

Later, they sprayed their TV sets during Dancing With the Stars, except for Brisket. Lysol is good for many God things, says the good book.

Clankie May 16, 2012 at 9:10 pm

I have a friend who lives in Colorado Springs, and she is always trying to get me to move there, from Denver. Soon, I think, I will at least get to stop explaining why that will never happen.

horsedreamer_1 May 16, 2012 at 9:27 pm

I present, for your viewing pleasure, Columbine 2: Electric Boogaloo.

ttommyunger May 17, 2012 at 8:59 am

Buttsechs needs no advertising. Should have simply put up a sign: No Fucking on the Dance Floor & No Dancing on the Fucking Floor". FIXED!

BaldarTFlagass May 16, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Even the waltz. People fucked differently back in those days.

Chet Kincaid May 16, 2012 at 2:38 pm

I'm trying to work out in my mind how one fucks in 3/4 time…OK, I think you have to come "up" on an angle, and then move laterally before the downstroke. I'll throw together one of those old-fashioned dance diagrams in a pdf, if anyone's confused.

BaldarTFlagass May 16, 2012 at 2:57 pm

You've been listening to your Clarence Carter "Strokin'" album, haven't you? It's like a concept album by some 70s band, but about fucking.

Chet Kincaid May 16, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Right! "East-west" on the "2-3"!

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