lies damn lies and statistics

Ta-Da! Genius Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker Invents New Kind Of Math To Solve State’s Jobs Woes

derpWhy is hero Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, recently seen bitching that the governor’s three-times-median-household-income salary just isn’t enough cheddar, being blamed just because his awesome economic policies of “fire everyone” have made his state plumb last in job growth? (Koch economic policies are obviously THE GREATEST economic policies, and every state should have more of them.) Does not everyone understand that if this is not Barack Obama’s fault, then it is the fault of the Union Thugz he fired, for protesting him? (That is a true thing Scott Walker said: that the mighty Wisconsin protests last year caused businesses to have “uncertainty,” thus forcing them to fire all their workers and flee the state.) Well, since nobody will believe him about that, Scott Walker has decided to do things a little more out-of-the-box: instead of being enslaved by these fuddy-duddy old-and-busted Department of Labor statistics, he is going to make up his own! So now his employment numbers will be slightly above zero, instead of slightly below! Does this change everything? THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING. Tell us about it, Forbes!

With Wisconsin suffering the worst job loss numbers in the nation for the calendar year 2011, Governor Scott Walker promised yesterday that he will reveal newly revised numbers this week that will, effectively, change water into wine on the Wisconsin job front.

And he’s done it just in time for the June 5th recall election.

So, just how is Walker about to turn Wisconsin’s dismal job numbers from lemons to lemonade?

The Governor has simply decided to ignore the system used by the Department of Labor — and every other state in the nation — to measure job growth (or loss) and elected instead to go with a different set of numbers that makes things in Wisconsin look better.

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Who knew it could be so easy to solve a jobs crisis?

Oh waggish Forbes writer! Why can’t Scott Walker just pick and choose what metrics he wants to use to determine job growth? Shut up and pick some stocks or something!

For [many] reasons, the Establishment Survey has long been the primary tool for measuring how many jobs exist in a given state rather than the household survey.

Yet, when Scott Walker delivers his ‘good news’ this week using his version of the ‘real’ numbers of job growth in 2011, he will not be using this traditional standard. And should we insist that the Walker Administration stay within the same metrics everyone else uses so as to get a true measure of where Wisconsin ranks vis-a-vis other states?

Obviously, not, idiot. And if Scott Walker wants to start counting housewives as employed workers, or high school students as employed workers, or fired union thug protesters as employed workers (they are employed with protesting Scott Walker), he should get to do that too! No? WHY DO YOU HATE MOMS, HENGHHH? That’s what we thought, Forbes writer communist. Why don’t you go back to Germany, DICK? [Forbes]

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123 comments

  1. BaldarTFlagass

    All these people, see, they got new jobs. Their job description reads "Hang around and wait for the unemployment check to show up." Keep me as your governor!

  2. DaRooster

    Walker is gonna be using different metrics… too close to Canada eh?
    Keep going… you are not needed/wanted here.

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      Who's more douche?

      1. Perry using LIHEAP funds to cool the Prayer Warrior Stadium.
      2. Palin denying $288 million of the federal economic stimulus money.
      or 3. Walker's co-opting the housing stimulus monies?

        1. BerkeleyBear

          But not Joisey, where Christie-Kreme is cooking the numbers to try and claim he actually saved the state money by bailing on billions of Federal money and thousands of jobs.

          1. SudsMcKenzie

            I always just thought he would be embarrassed when he couldn't fit in the new train.

    2. Isyaignert

      He's the original Kochsukker. BTW, here's a list of evil Koch brothers products to never, every buy. Share it with everyone.

      KOCH BROTHERS PRODUCTS TO BOYCOTT:
      Angel Soft toilet paper
      Brawny paper towels
      Dixie plates, bowls, napkins and cups
      Mardi Gras napkins and towels
      Quilted Northern toilet paper
      Soft ‘n Gentle toilet paper
      Sparkle napkins
      Vanity fair napkins
      Zee napkins
      Georgia-Pacific paper products, envelopes and building materials
      Lycra
      Stainmaster Carpet

      This is a short list, there are a lot of building materials too, but these are the most common consumer goods.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Johnsonville Brats, too, also.

        Charlie Murphy (not that one) is a Teahadi, it would seem.

        1. Isyaignert

          Aww crap, my guys are going to be upset about that. I prefer the Hebrew Nationals anyway.

          BTW, I heard that Sargento cheese is a big Gov. Snott Walker (R-Asshole) supporter. I like Tillamok myself.

    1. GuyClinch

      Walker gave himself a number of new jobs: Chief Enema Facilitator to the Kochs, Pinkerton Sniper, Supreme Dildo, Supervisory Leaver of Tacks on Teacher Chairs, &c.

  3. WhatTheHeck

    Mathematics, as we know, is an abstract science of numbers.
    Republicans, as we know, shun science in great numbers.

    1. actor212

      Mathematics, as we know, is an abstract science of numbers.
      Republicans, as we know, shun science in great numbers.

      And here's the proof, according to Prof Glenn Reynolds:

      Mathematics = abstract science of numbers.
      Republicans= shun science in great numbers.

      Mathematics = abstract science of numbers
      Republicans= shun science in great numbers.

      Mathematics = great = Republicans
      QED

      1. weejee

        If a=b and we multiply both sides by a
        a²=ab and if we now subtract b² from each side
        a²-b²=ab-b²
        Iffin' we factor (I know the maths are hard but keep with me) both sides ⇒
        (a-b)(a+b)=b(a-b)
        Now let's divide out that messy (a-b) ⇒
        a+b=b and if you recall a=b
        b+b=b
        2b=b and if we divide by beloved b
        2=1, and this is why Rethugs hate science. QED²

        1. SmutBoffin

          Now let's divide out that messy (a-b) ⇒

          Penalty! Division by zero is not allowed in Communistic math.

          Maybe this is Walker's secret? "We'll just put a big ol' zero in the denom. and presto! Jobs for everybody!"

  4. GuyClinch

    Say, I just re-balanced my checkbook with this new Madison Math and suddenly I have a lot more money. I just didn't count expenses and bills and ATM withdrawals 'n' stuff! Yow! Next round's on me! Barkeep, will you take a check?

    1. tessiee

      One of the few funny Jeff Foxworthy bits:
      Collection agency guy: Mr. Foxworthy, you missed a car payment.
      Jeff: But I'm a student, and I don't have that much money.
      Guy: Well, can't you just write us a check?
      Jeff: No, I can't just… A check?… Well, SURE! I can write you a check!

    1. Native_of_SL_UT

      I think next week, I'll be able to send more money as I may have extra work.
      My friend Patti promised me a blow job.

  5. el_donaldo

    Ubermen are not constrained by your conventional moralities, Forbes magazine writers. They create their own.

    Or basically, just lie, cheat, and steal to cover their scrawny, over-entitled and over-compensated asses.

  6. BaldarTFlagass

    I vacationed in Wisconsin back in September and got a handjob from a crack whore down by Veteran's Park. Is he going to count that too?

    1. V572 Is this him?

      Did you 1099 the handjobber? If not, you should have withheld FICA and SUTA.

  7. Mumbletypeg

    "Water to wine"… "lemons to lemonade"… children's faces to weeping eagles. All part of Walker's own Make-A-Wish foundation, the one you see crumbling from the weight of this dim bulb's wishful thinking.

  8. widestanceromance

    Walker should buy a box of pencils, a cup, a Sharpie and some cardboard while he still has a job.

  9. SayItWithWookies

    While the Establishment Survey puts the numbers of jobs lost slightly below zero, the alternative survey preferred by the Walker people puts them just above zero. At the end of the day, we’re talking about zero job growth—even under Walker’s favored, if completely unorthodox, approach.

    Why the hell is Scott Walker lying when the lie produces just as sucky a result as the truth? Clearly he's signalling the Koch brothers that he's willing to fake it even when everybody knows he's lying and it doesn't even help him. Now that's integrity.

    1. FlownOver

      "Why the hell is Scott Walker lying when the lie produces just as sucky a result as the truth?"

      Ahh, I believe the term is "force of habit."

  10. JustPixelz

    Who's surprised at this Repubican "new math"? When the Demoncrats had 250 seats in the House of Representatives, they were "jamming health reform down our throats". But when the Repubicans got 240 seats in 2010, it was all "the American people have spoken". When Dubya implemented 900 new regulations, it was "freedom". When Obama implements 800 regulations, it's a "stranglehold". And, of course, when 51 senators vote to end debate on a question, the motion fails.

  11. Chichikovovich

    Standing in line at the unemployment office is hard work. And you may get money as a result. Bing! — there's another paying job right there.

  12. timbo71351

    The sad thing is this lazy-eyed asshole will probably survive the recall. Oh well, hopefully he'll end up in prison.

  13. SorosBot

    And the Republican election officials will probably be inventing their own math to count the vote totals too. Just like they did for the Supreme Court elections.

    1. HistoriCat

      In business, metrics are great until they don't tell the story the boss wants to hear. Then, you have to create new metrics.

      Run government more like a business sheeple!

  14. Exhausted66

    –Wisconsin protests last year caused businesses to have “uncertainty,” thus forcing them to fire all their workers and flee the state. —

    So, if just YOU had fled, the jobs would've been saved?

    Won't Wisconsin still be last if every other state uses the new math?

    1. Chet Kincaid

      No. The point is to gain advantage on the arbitrage before anybody else changes to the new math. Have you not been paying attention to the financial industry?

  15. fartknocker

    Scott Walker, vis-s-vis, Kochsucking goat fucker. I love these feel good stories so much that I just sent $20 to United Wisconsin. I don't live in WI but I strongly support the recall of this shit heel Teabagger.

  16. Callyson

    The Current Population Survey, favored by Governor Walker…s particularly tricky when applied to determining the job numbers for a state because of the many people who live on the ‘edges’ of a state who are employed across the border in a different state. By way of example, someone living in Racine, Wisconsin may be able to answer in the affirmative when asked if she has a job. However, what is not asked is whether the respondent is employed in Wisconsin or driving across the border into Illinois to go to work. This makes such an individual’s response useful in determining how many people are working on a national basis but perverts the numbers when attempting to determine how many people are actually working in Wisconsin.

    See, Scott Walker *is* creating jobs and deserves credit. So they're not in Wisconsin, who's counting? Oh, right…fix the count! Fix the count!

  17. SudsMcKenzie

    Its $25 mill vs. $2 mill, even the DNC has written us off, not even giving us 500k for "ground game", which is silly considering Clooney could get that for a bathroom hand job, AND we hadhave 35,000 volunteers that got the 1 mill signatures (in winter) actually fired up and ready to go.

    *please read this in your Best Princess Lea voice, and for god sakes, think of the Wookies.*

  18. Callyson

    Also:

    UPDATE 1: May 16th 11:00am CST

    Governor Walker has released the revised numbers, indicating that Wisconsin produced 23,300 jobs in the fourth quarter of 2011 rather than the reported loss of approximately 33,000…
    What the Walker Administration has been seeking to overcome as they head into the election is the poor DOL job report indicating that Wisconsin came in dead last in job creation in 2011 when measured again the remaining 49 states in the nation. To make such a comparison, there must be a “constant” metric. That metric has long been the DOL Establishment Survey. By introducing a third survey-and one that has not yet been subjected to DOL scrutiny and not even due to be released until the June 28th report is released (three weeks after the recall vote), there is no constant metric to use in doing a comparison. Because it is so completely unusual for a state to release these numbers before the DOL puts it out, we have no way of knowing how Wisconsin will fare when everyone else gets their number. They may still be last in the nation – or they may have moved up a few slots. Thus, while the data may be marginally helpful in the political sense (it certainly looks better to say you created 23,300 jobs than lost 33,000), there is absolutely no way of knowing if, say, California’s numbers will similarly improve when they have their results or where an apples to apples comparison would place Wisconsin.

    PLEASE, Wisconsin, pretty please, get rid of this guy!

  19. Serolf_Divad

    Don't worry, people. When Scott Walker loses the election, he'll commission his own count showing he actually won.

  20. a_pink_poodle

    Didn't something like this happen in Animal Farm? "Productivity is up a BILLION PERCENT HOORAY!"

  21. BaldarTFlagass

    I bet the poor Wisconsin taxpayers are going to have to pick up the tab for him to fly to Stockholm to collect his Nobel Prizes in both Economics and Mathematics, too.

        1. SmutBoffin

          TRIVIA: Did you know that the first Nobel prize in Dumbassness was given to the Road Warriors, in 1990, for inventing Zubaz?

  22. randcoolcatdaddy

    Metrics? H's using the _metric_ system now? I could never understand the metric system….

    1. Gunner Asch

      Neither can my sister, who taught it in middle school for 35 years. I hate to think how many kids grew up thinking it was complicated because of her.

  23. BornInATrailer

    Everyone talking about wanting to increase job growth in manufacturing and fabrication clearly got him all confused.

  24. BTWBFDIMHO

    Statistics are like a bikini, because what they show is interesting, but what they hide is essential.

  25. GeorgiaBurning

    Walker's' "job creators" are just being creative with numbers. Wanna buy some stock?

  26. Eve8Apples

    Forbes' attack of Walker's fuzzy job statistics is a sign the old blue-blood establishment GOP is finally getting disgusted with the teabagger crazy. Can an endorsement of Obama be far behind?

  27. DahBoner

    In 2011, Wisconsin was dead last in job creation.

    Even Hawaii produced more jobs. Cowabunga, surfs up Cheeseheads!!!!!

  28. iburl

    Walker is polling well, I'd suggest flooding the WI dem party with out of state funds. If he wins the recall election, I may vomit spray cheese.

  29. BTWBFDIMHO

    A little algebra can explain Walker's high salary.

    Everybody knows that:

    Power = Work/Time

    but,
    Time = Money

    and,

    Knowledge = Power

    After substitutions:

    Knowledge = Work/Money

    or:

    Money = Work/Knowledge

    So the less you know, the more money you make! The same scientific reasoning is behind Santorum's disdain for college education.

  30. Slim_Pickins

    But if the other states adopted Wisconsin's "metrics" wouldn't they still look better than Wisconsin?

  31. horsedreamer_1

    Mentioned up-thread, but as I told a co-worker a coupla days ago, Scooter's plan for creating jobs is ripped from Nixy's secret plan to end the war in '68.

    Also, for all his poo-pooing of uncertainty, & the gerealized GOP disdain for "relativism" — GOP claims to love its absolutes — Scooter has a tendency to tell the state electorate he balanced the budget while telling federal DHHS that the state is still in arrears & needs to cut even more from Medicaid.

    Wisconsin's budget in the Walker years is Schroddy's cat: anything to anyone, whatever's convenient.

  32. Negropolis

    And, yet, if the polls are right, he could just squeak by the recall. Come on, Wisconsin.

  33. ttommyunger

    Once again, I blame the fucking voters. "We have found the enemy and it is us!" -Pogo.

Comments are closed.