GREATEST AMERICAN HEROES  11:15 am May 16, 2012

Nobody Will Let Poor Chris Christie Save Your Pussy From That Tree

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Haha, here is a “funny” video from Governor Sammiches, Chris Christie, about how he is so jealous of perfect angel Newark Mayor Cory Booker, last seen breaking and entering into a burning building and abducting the woman therein. Except that it is actually funny? It’s okay dudes, you can still hate him afterwards. Nobody’s here to take your spite from your cold dead hands.

 
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{ 83 comments }

nounverb911 May 16, 2012 at 11:16 am

Can we use Christie as a sea wall when the oceans rise from global warming?

actor212 May 16, 2012 at 11:27 am

Unfortunately, the specific gravity of Chris Christie is less than one.

WhatTheHeck May 16, 2012 at 11:44 am

Chris Christie, unfortunately doesn’t understand the gravity of the situation.

NorthStarSpanx May 16, 2012 at 11:52 am

Make it gravy, and he's got this!

starfanglednut May 16, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Archimedes libel!

tessiee May 16, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Or perhaps a flotation device?

ChernobylSoup May 16, 2012 at 11:17 am

Will I need dual monitors to watch the video?

proudgrampa May 16, 2012 at 11:38 am

Not if you're in Wide Screen Mode.

Negropolis May 17, 2012 at 2:35 am

Wide-ass Mode is more like it.

nounverb911 May 16, 2012 at 11:17 am

Chritie's on Youtube? Doesn't that make him a dictator?

An_Outhouse May 16, 2012 at 12:29 pm

it make shim a 'tater dick

Barb May 16, 2012 at 11:18 am

"Everybody loves a comeback story"
Except for the workers who have to refill the buffet every time Christie "comes back."

tessiee May 16, 2012 at 3:27 pm

"WHY YOU STILL HERE?? YOU HERE FOR FOUR HOURS!! YOU SCARE MY WIFE!!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdwuiyO7hOU

[Fair warning: some people might find this offensive]

johnnyzhivago May 16, 2012 at 11:23 am

New Jersey Tax Dollars at Work….

SudsMcKenzie May 16, 2012 at 11:23 am

Booker: "Govenor Christie I accidentally made three turduckens"

Christie: "I got this".

actor212 May 16, 2012 at 11:35 am

Booker: "The baby has fallen into the gravy boat!"

Christie: "I got this"

Negropolis May 17, 2012 at 2:35 am

WIN

Booker: "Fuck. I ordered too large and order of fries."

Christie: "I got this."

edgydrifter May 16, 2012 at 11:24 am

Couldn't Christie use his personal gravity like one of those "cat magnets" I saw on TV?

SudsMcKenzie May 16, 2012 at 11:25 am

Christie does seem to be All Full of "number two".

Tundra Grifter May 16, 2012 at 11:25 am

That's very, very funny!

We don't have to hate. We can appreciate.

SudsMcKenzie May 16, 2012 at 11:36 am

I concur, I wish Christie would quit politics and just open for Kevin James.

kissawookiee May 16, 2012 at 11:44 am

Sadly, I think if he opened wide, Kevin James would fit with room to spare.

SudsMcKenzie May 16, 2012 at 11:52 am

and they would need Lloyds of London to give them a "stage collapse" quote.

BaldarTFlagass May 16, 2012 at 11:25 am

Is that guy Christie's illegitimate son?

actor212 May 16, 2012 at 11:26 am

Christie? Breed? With a blah?

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAH!!!!!!

BaldarTFlagass May 16, 2012 at 11:30 am

I only got about 45 seconds in before it went to eternal buffer. The guy at the beginning, talking with the chick? Looks like a dead ringer.

actor212 May 16, 2012 at 11:26 am

This is being touted as the funniest spectacle from New Jersey since Snookie.

FakaktaSouth May 16, 2012 at 11:26 am

Whatever – he can say funny stuff with a funny face – I totes believe that. Hell, when I saw him on Cake Boss with that cake the size of New Jersey, he could not have looked happier.

Mittens Howell, III May 16, 2012 at 11:27 am

Laughing my best Mitt Romney laugh … ha ha ha ha hah

Texan_Bulldog May 16, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Golf clap.

Negropolis May 17, 2012 at 2:37 am

Mitt's laugh sounds like someone shaking a can of loose screws.

fartknocker May 16, 2012 at 11:29 am

I don't get it.

meatlofer May 16, 2012 at 11:29 am

This is exactly why the Nets moved to Brooklyn!

el_donaldo May 16, 2012 at 11:29 am

"I'll come up with something bigger." Eats five boxes of donuts. "See, bigger."

Infrogmation May 16, 2012 at 2:48 pm

When Christie said "I'll come up with something bigger", I'm just glad the video didn't go "Boom chicka wow whaa…"

friendlyskies May 16, 2012 at 11:30 am

Someone just told me that Chris Christie was funny, and that's why Thurston Howell the Turd would make him VP, and win. Ahem. Yeah. No. If they're going for laughs, maybe Palin's still the best bet?

actor212 May 16, 2012 at 11:38 am

I don't think Christie would make a bad choice for the VP spot on the GOP ticket. He's an angry white man without the creepy John McCain "Hey, you kids! Get off my lawn!" vibe.

*Mitt*, on the other hand….

SayItWithWookies May 16, 2012 at 11:31 am

Okay, I liked the Tebow at 3:10. Of course that was Booker — Christie, though — well…

starfanglednut May 16, 2012 at 1:42 pm

You made to 3:10? You're a braver woman/man than I.

Chow Yun Flat May 16, 2012 at 11:33 am

Chris Christie–the reason double doors were invented.

GuyClinch May 16, 2012 at 11:33 am

Booker/Tire Iron 2016!

Arken May 16, 2012 at 11:33 am

Well of course Christie couldn't save anyone from a burning building. With all that fat, he'd go up like a roman candle.

Jus_Wonderin May 16, 2012 at 11:44 am

I half expect if they wanted to be saved, they'd have to throw themselves out of the house into his arms as he can't get his wide-ass through the doors.

Arken May 16, 2012 at 11:47 am

He'd be handy in a high-rise fire though. He could just lay down and let people on upper floors land on him.

Jus_Wonderin May 16, 2012 at 11:52 am

The upside of that is the jumpee could win the X prize for private sector space travel as they achieved low Earth orbit after bouncing off CC.

actor212 May 16, 2012 at 11:53 am

"Not the mouth! NOT THE MOUTH!!!!"

starfanglednut May 16, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Bounce!

Arken May 16, 2012 at 1:45 pm

I'm thinking the greater risk is getting stuck in the folds.

vtxmcrider May 16, 2012 at 12:08 pm

What is worse, dying in a fire or being in Chris Christie's arms?

Schmannnity May 16, 2012 at 11:34 am

I thought it was real until Booker starts jacking up the Christie's Suburban with him in it.

weejee May 16, 2012 at 11:38 am

Yeah, it would have bent the Suburban's frame.

GuyClinch May 16, 2012 at 11:42 am

Christie *is* a suburb, come to think of it

Oblios_Cap May 16, 2012 at 11:34 am

He can come up with something bigger? What, a life-size portrait?

chicken_thief May 16, 2012 at 11:34 am

I live in NJ – I ain't watching that fat fuck.

Oblios_Cap May 16, 2012 at 11:36 am

So he's making fun of Booker saving people? What a giant asshole.

Chichikovovich May 16, 2012 at 11:56 am

A bit unfair. The video isn't all that funny, but it's not horrible, and the bit about Booker saving people is Christie poking gentle fun at himself. It's hard to imagine Booker would be willing to appear in it otherwise.

Oblios_Cap May 16, 2012 at 1:19 pm

it stalled before the 1:30 minute mark and I wasn't waiting for it start back up. I missed all that.

An_Outhouse May 16, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Yes.

el_donaldo May 16, 2012 at 11:37 am

And that tire flat noise? Please. Christie's ass cheeks are just too huge to rumble when he farts.

actor212 May 16, 2012 at 11:41 am

Dude can play a trombone, as tightly as his ass is puckered.

Jus_Wonderin May 16, 2012 at 11:43 am

I am strangely attracted to Christie. And I live way the fuck down here in the South. Gravity is a weak force…yeah, right.

proudgrampa May 16, 2012 at 11:46 am

So when Christie collapses from that heart attack he's gonna have, wouldn't it be ironic if Cory saved his ass???

JustPixelz May 16, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Saved his ass? That would be a lot of saving. I don't think even Booker has the time or strength.

starfanglednut May 16, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Ah irony. Delicious, delicious irony.

NorthStarSpanx May 16, 2012 at 11:48 am

Trenton stinks today, lightning struck a Dow Chemical plant across the border in PA and the air is rancid. I wonder if it will affect Christie's lunch?

actor212 May 16, 2012 at 11:52 am

Clearly, he's eaten meals big enough where he's started farting to make more room.

el_donaldo May 16, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Hey, neighbor.

Negropolis May 17, 2012 at 2:39 am

Trenton stinks today

Just today?

Chick-Fil-Atheistâ„¢ May 16, 2012 at 11:50 am

I have to admit that was indy-filmish, but sorry… Christie can't deliver a punchline.

randcoolcatdaddy May 16, 2012 at 11:52 am

I'm not sure which is bigger – Chris Christie's inflated ego, his waistline, or the empty cavity inside the man's head.

Groupshrug May 16, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Wow, the writing and mockumentary filming style is nothing like The Office.

Needs more shakeycam.

Texan_Bulldog May 16, 2012 at 12:12 pm

I would become a LDS member to marry Cory Booker (but I'm not giving up my Dr. Pepper or alcohol).

__kth__ May 16, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Since it's actually Mayor Booker, and not an actor portraying him dressed in a pimp/zoot suit, we can safely assume that Christie has written off the teabaggers.

An_Outhouse May 16, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Christie ate my pussy!

Callyson May 16, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Ouch…have you been alienated from sex for life now?

Dashboard Buddha May 16, 2012 at 12:38 pm

I said NO TEETH!

Callyson May 16, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Whoa–I had no idea Cory Booker was such a hottie. Hubba hubba!

James Michael Curley May 16, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Booker has put on some weight. I noticed that when the fire rescue episode was playing out.

tessiee May 16, 2012 at 3:22 pm

"Nobody Will Let Poor Chris Christie Save Your Pussy"

Lord help us all, I quickly read that as "Nobody will Let Poor Chris Christie Shave Your Pussy"

bobloblawlawblg May 16, 2012 at 3:52 pm

After watching this, I admire Booker more and think of Christie more as a "number two." Mission accomplished?

Redgyal May 16, 2012 at 7:33 pm

Who is the fat guy???

Redgyal May 16, 2012 at 7:40 pm

Oh I get it! The actual nice guy who everyone likes and does good things isn't good enough to be second in command to a sociopathic misanthrope running for president. I think they're right!

I kind of wish Booker didn't do this because the point of the video is to downplay his accomplishments and make fat boy look like he is worth something. But as they say karma……

ttommyunger May 17, 2012 at 9:09 am

Golf clap. Corey didn't do himself any favors here, sharing face-time with that fat fuck.

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