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Nobody Will Let Poor Chris Christie Save Your Pussy From That Tree

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Haha, here is a “funny” video from Governor Sammiches, Chris Christie, about how he is so jealous of perfect angel Newark Mayor Cory Booker, last seen breaking and entering into a burning building and abducting the woman therein. Except that it is actually funny? It’s okay dudes, you can still hate him afterwards. Nobody’s here to take your spite from your cold dead hands.

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • nounverb911

    Can we use Christie as a sea wall when the oceans rise from global warming?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Unfortunately, the specific gravity of Chris Christie is less than one.

      • WhatTheHeck

        Chris Christie, unfortunately doesn’t understand the gravity of the situation.

        • NorthStarSpanx

          Make it gravy, and he's got this!

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Archimedes libel!

    • tessiee

      Or perhaps a flotation device?

  • ChernobylSoup

    Will I need dual monitors to watch the video?

    • proudgrampa

      Not if you're in Wide Screen Mode.

      • Negropolis

        Wide-ass Mode is more like it.

  • nounverb911

    Chritie's on Youtube? Doesn't that make him a dictator?

    • An_Outhouse

      it make shim a 'tater dick

  • Barb

    "Everybody loves a comeback story"
    Except for the workers who have to refill the buffet every time Christie "comes back."

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    New Jersey Tax Dollars at Work….

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Booker: "Govenor Christie I accidentally made three turduckens"

    Christie: "I got this".

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Booker: "The baby has fallen into the gravy boat!"

      Christie: "I got this"

    • Negropolis

      WIN

      Booker: "Fuck. I ordered too large and order of fries."

      Christie: "I got this."

  • edgydrifter

    Couldn't Christie use his personal gravity like one of those "cat magnets" I saw on TV?

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Christie does seem to be All Full of "number two".

  • Tundra Grifter

    That's very, very funny!

    We don't have to hate. We can appreciate.

    • SudsMcKenzie

      I concur, I wish Christie would quit politics and just open for Kevin James.

      • kissawookiee

        Sadly, I think if he opened wide, Kevin James would fit with room to spare.

        • SudsMcKenzie

          and they would need Lloyds of London to give them a "stage collapse" quote.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Is that guy Christie's illegitimate son?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Christie? Breed? With a blah?

      BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAH!!!!!!

      • BaldarTFlagass

        I only got about 45 seconds in before it went to eternal buffer. The guy at the beginning, talking with the chick? Looks like a dead ringer.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    This is being touted as the funniest spectacle from New Jersey since Snookie.

  • FakaktaSouth

    Whatever – he can say funny stuff with a funny face – I totes believe that. Hell, when I saw him on Cake Boss with that cake the size of New Jersey, he could not have looked happier.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Laughing my best Mitt Romney laugh … ha ha ha ha hah

    • Texan_Bulldog

      Golf clap.

    • Negropolis

      Mitt's laugh sounds like someone shaking a can of loose screws.

  • fartknocker

    I don't get it.

  • meatlofer

    This is exactly why the Nets moved to Brooklyn!

  • el_donaldo

    "I'll come up with something bigger." Eats five boxes of donuts. "See, bigger."

    • http://infrogmation.livejournal.com/ Infrogmation

      When Christie said "I'll come up with something bigger", I'm just glad the video didn't go "Boom chicka wow whaa…"

  • friendlyskies

    Someone just told me that Chris Christie was funny, and that's why Thurston Howell the Turd would make him VP, and win. Ahem. Yeah. No. If they're going for laughs, maybe Palin's still the best bet?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I don't think Christie would make a bad choice for the VP spot on the GOP ticket. He's an angry white man without the creepy John McCain "Hey, you kids! Get off my lawn!" vibe.

      *Mitt*, on the other hand….

  • SayItWithWookies

    Okay, I liked the Tebow at 3:10. Of course that was Booker — Christie, though — well…

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      You made to 3:10? You're a braver woman/man than I.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    Chris Christie–the reason double doors were invented.

  • http://guyclinch.blogspot.com GuyClinch

    Booker/Tire Iron 2016!

  • Arken

    Well of course Christie couldn't save anyone from a burning building. With all that fat, he'd go up like a roman candle.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      I half expect if they wanted to be saved, they'd have to throw themselves out of the house into his arms as he can't get his wide-ass through the doors.

      • Arken

        He'd be handy in a high-rise fire though. He could just lay down and let people on upper floors land on him.

        • Jus_Wonderin

          The upside of that is the jumpee could win the X prize for private sector space travel as they achieved low Earth orbit after bouncing off CC.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          "Not the mouth! NOT THE MOUTH!!!!"

        • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

          Bounce!

          • Arken

            I'm thinking the greater risk is getting stuck in the folds.

      • vtxmcrider

        What is worse, dying in a fire or being in Chris Christie's arms?

  • Schmannnity

    I thought it was real until Booker starts jacking up the Christie's Suburban with him in it.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Yeah, it would have bent the Suburban's frame.

      • http://guyclinch.blogspot.com GuyClinch

        Christie *is* a suburb, come to think of it

  • Oblios_Cap

    He can come up with something bigger? What, a life-size portrait?

  • chicken_thief

    I live in NJ – I ain't watching that fat fuck.

  • Oblios_Cap

    So he's making fun of Booker saving people? What a giant asshole.

    • Chichikovovich

      A bit unfair. The video isn't all that funny, but it's not horrible, and the bit about Booker saving people is Christie poking gentle fun at himself. It's hard to imagine Booker would be willing to appear in it otherwise.

      • Oblios_Cap

        it stalled before the 1:30 minute mark and I wasn't waiting for it start back up. I missed all that.

    • An_Outhouse

      Yes.

  • el_donaldo

    And that tire flat noise? Please. Christie's ass cheeks are just too huge to rumble when he farts.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Dude can play a trombone, as tightly as his ass is puckered.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    I am strangely attracted to Christie. And I live way the fuck down here in the South. Gravity is a weak force…yeah, right.

  • proudgrampa

    So when Christie collapses from that heart attack he's gonna have, wouldn't it be ironic if Cory saved his ass???

    • JustPixelz

      Saved his ass? That would be a lot of saving. I don't think even Booker has the time or strength.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Ah irony. Delicious, delicious irony.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    Trenton stinks today, lightning struck a Dow Chemical plant across the border in PA and the air is rancid. I wonder if it will affect Christie's lunch?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Clearly, he's eaten meals big enough where he's started farting to make more room.

    • el_donaldo

      Hey, neighbor.

    • Negropolis

      Trenton stinks today

      Just today?

  • Chick-Fil-Atheistâ„¢

    I have to admit that was indy-filmish, but sorry… Christie can't deliver a punchline.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    I'm not sure which is bigger – Chris Christie's inflated ego, his waistline, or the empty cavity inside the man's head.

  • Groupshrug

    Wow, the writing and mockumentary filming style is nothing like The Office.

    Needs more shakeycam.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    I would become a LDS member to marry Cory Booker (but I'm not giving up my Dr. Pepper or alcohol).

  • __kth__

    Since it's actually Mayor Booker, and not an actor portraying him dressed in a pimp/zoot suit, we can safely assume that Christie has written off the teabaggers.

  • An_Outhouse

    Christie ate my pussy!

    • Callyson

      Ouch…have you been alienated from sex for life now?

    • Dashboard Buddha

      I said NO TEETH!

  • Callyson

    Whoa–I had no idea Cory Booker was such a hottie. Hubba hubba!

  • James Michael Curley

    Booker has put on some weight. I noticed that when the fire rescue episode was playing out.

  • tessiee

    "Nobody Will Let Poor Chris Christie Save Your Pussy"

    Lord help us all, I quickly read that as "Nobody will Let Poor Chris Christie Shave Your Pussy"

  • bobloblawlawblg

    After watching this, I admire Booker more and think of Christie more as a "number two." Mission accomplished?

  • Redgyal

    Who is the fat guy???

  • Redgyal

    Oh I get it! The actual nice guy who everyone likes and does good things isn't good enough to be second in command to a sociopathic misanthrope running for president. I think they're right!

    I kind of wish Booker didn't do this because the point of the video is to downplay his accomplishments and make fat boy look like he is worth something. But as they say karma……

  • ttommyunger

    Golf clap. Corey didn't do himself any favors here, sharing face-time with that fat fuck.