born free

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer Owns Your Vag But Penises Must Run Free

One more toke then I'll drop trouThank Jeebus that growing (medicinal) pot is legal in Arizona. Because if you have half a brain, you pretty much have to be stoned 24/7 in order to live there. Now, if you happen to be a woman with a brain AND an active libido, you might as well high-tail it right outa Dodge. Because Governor Jan Brewer hates your vagina.

First she decided that pregnancy starts two weeks before you get pregnant, just so she could pass a law to ban abortions after 18 weeks (instead of 20) and also too, force women to undergo transvaginal rape if they want an abortion. In the bill, legislators were extra careful to cross out the word surgery and replace it with ABORTION (in caps), in case somebody might not know what was going on. They also detailed the many ways a doctor can be imprisoned, lose their license and be sued by millions of people if they don’t “offer” the woman the chance to see her fetus and listen to its heart beat before they kill it.

Next, our friend Jan axed funding for Planned Parenthood. Because even though Arizona law already bans state money for abortion, if you place money into the bloodied hands of the Planned Parenthood abortionplex, we know they’ll use it to fund abortion, instead of all the other women’s health services they provide.

But Jan wasn’t quite finished. Just a few days ago, she signed a bill into law that allows religious-oriented employers to deny insurance coverage for birth control and abortion-inducing drugs. Women can get coverage for birth control, but they have to prove they’re taking the pill for a medical condition rather than for just being a big slut.

But, ladies, while Jan may hate your vagina, she cares deeply for the P-E-N-I-S. Contrast all her decisions on hoohahs with last year’s veto of Arizona’s Birther Bill. It wasn’t because birthers are douche bags or because she’s jealous of Orly Taitz because she has way more roots showing and her hair is frizzier and her face more wrinkled. No. She vetoed it because the law required presidential candidates to prove they are US citizens by showing their P-E-N-I-S (circumcision certificate). Jan just thought that was awful. A man’s penis for God’s sake? What about privacy? What about rights? HELLO! “This,” said she, “is a bridge too far.”

About the author

Writer, teacher, traveler. Arizona girl living in Paris.

View all articles by Lisa Wines
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    1. HippieEsq

      There isn't, according to the 14 dumbshit GOP congresswoman who took time away from their efforts to eradicate self-awareness to pen an opinion in Politico this morning….

        1. HippieEsq

          Hard to imagine what could be so upsetting about their declaration of non-war! Rest assured, they're working hard for your freedoms (from freedom?).

    2. friendlyskies

      Just a war on women who are more attractive, sexually active, and beloved by handsome men than Jan Brewer.

  1. Mittens Howell, III

    "pregnancy starts two weeks before you get pregnant,'

    Oh, that explains why morning sickness begins while women are having sex with me.

    1. brunsworks

      Does that mean that my sex partner is not allowed to interrupt my impure thoughts?

    1. GeorgiaBurning

      I moved too, once I realized staying drunk enough to stand the place while earning enough money to pay for that much booze was a logical impossibility.

    2. anniegetyerfun

      Thank you. Somehow, someday, I will make it back to California. It WILL HAPPEN.

  2. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Man, this lady is really putting a cramp in my 24/7 baby killing lifestyle.

    1. FraAnima

      I know, right? Jan's afraid librul wimmens get themselves knocked up, then suddenly after 5 months they say "pffft, fuck it, I'm sick of this shit." I'm sure that happens ALL. THE. FUCKING. TIME!

      I hate Jan with the heat of a thousand white hot suns.

  3. hagajim

    If I looked like Jan I'd probably hate my vagina too, or maybe Jan is hiding a penis under her dress?

    1. miss_grundy

      Yep, for a woman she sure does look like a very ugly tranny. I thought Repubs were into cosmetic surgery and high-priced hair stylists, cosmetics and wardrobes.

      1. Butch_Wagstaff

        I was just thinking that Bernadette Bassenger hasn't aged very well.
        (That was Terrence Stamp's character in "The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert")

  4. Eve8Apples

    If a fella overdoses on his Viagra and has an erection lasting longer than four hours, one look at that picture should solve that problem.

  5. Blueb4sunrise

    … pretty much have to be stoned 24/7 in order to live there


  6. Dashboard Barb

    So wait…if a woman refuses to have sex with my and my active lil guys, can that be construed as contraception?

    1. HippieEsq

      It doesn't matter, if it's an act of judgment on the part of a woman the GOP will regulate it.

  7. Callyson

    A man’s penis for God’s sake? What about privacy?

    This is bad news for Larry Craig and every other closeted Republican who was hoping to catch a peek…

  8. Hedley_Lamarr

    I've seen that picture before. It was after "Rowdy" Roddy Piper put on the sunglasses. Makes sense now.

  9. Wile E. Quixote

    I've said it before and I'll say it again, the Democrats need to hammer, hammer, hammer on this between now and the election, and not just in the presidential campaign. Everywhere a Republican is running a Democrat needs to bring up this crazy shit and make the Republican candidate either own it, or denounce it, and thus risk pissing off the teabaggers.

    1. spinozasgod

      well, there is little hope. I live in Wisconsin where we have defunded planned parenthood, put abstenance only in schools, made it a dismissal offense to say "contraception" in school, and that is on top of cutting the education budget by 1 billion dollars, deamonizing all public workers, etc.; yet our current governor walker, who is under investigation for election crimes, still has a solid lead over the democrat running against him in the recall.

    2. Negropolis

      They really do need a "When did you stop beating your wife?" talking point. And, it wouldn't be a trap, because the Republicans are doing exactly what they are doing.

  10. YasserArraFeck

    Well, that did it. "jan Brewer" and "vagina" in the same sentence has pretty much shut me down for the foreseeable future. Thanks Wonkette.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      I have to believe she actually has given it name. However, I won't try to guess it.

  11. SmutBoffin

    Isn't Wines our operative in Yoorupp? I bet it's really different over there. She probably lives above an abortionarium/free drugs shoppe and eats croissants made out of Socialism.

    Arizona must appear to be some desolate third world regime from her perspective.

    1. Blueb4sunrise

      There's a rumor that Lisa spent time in Az., but she left because some creep was following her around.

    2. lisawines

      Yes! Women line up outside of the Place d l'Abhortion before nine every morning, chatting happily, smoking Gauloises dipped in hashish and drinking absinthe. I lean out my window and wave.

      1. SmutBoffin

        I bet they wave back and say "Bonjour demoiselle les Vins!" or whatever, then go back to talking about their nation's inverted politics.

      2. sullivanst

        Gitanes libel!

        (and isn't it a bit rich still calling them Gauloises now they're made in Spain?)

  12. Jus_Wonderin

    Lisa, I agree. Putting an alt-text on that image would have been toooooo much.

    1. sullivanst

      It has an alt. What it lacks is a title – IE ignores the HTML standards and uses alt in lieu of title, Firefox and Chrome are very smug in their compliance but it means you can't see the text. This annoyed me enough that I recently threw together a tiny little Firefox extension to fix it.

        1. sullivanst

          You can view the source from that link. Like I said, it's tiny. It'll open up the images on your Chase and eTrade accounts to check whether they have alts but no titles, but it's certainly not capable of sending me your password (or your money) ;)

          Now uploaded to the Mozilla Add-Ons site where it's easier to work out how to install it.

  13. CthuNHu

    She might suck at being a governor, but you gotta admit, she was great as Magda in There's Something About Mary.

    1. Butch_Wagstaff

      She's type of grandmother that grandkids hide from when she comes to visit.

  14. fartknocker

    When I get my franchise agreement from Abortionplex, I think I'll build my complex in Truth or Consequences, NM. The ladies can make it a day trip, kind of a staycation. I think the Arizona womens will really enjoy the spa treatment.

  15. widestanceromance

    That's the first photo of her natural hair/skin color I've seen. It is a color photo, right?

  16. SorosBot

    If she loves penises, then why does she have a face that makes them shrink and shrivel up?

  17. Beowoof

    Judging by the face her vagina would most likely have the texture of coarse sand paper. A fetish that I have no interest in.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      Poor thing, she has never been able to experience the joy of sliding down a stairway handrail.

      1. Beowoof

        Well there was this refinishing contractor that hired her to make a couple of passes down a railing to be refinished.

        1. Jus_Wonderin

          I get this image (and now I am haunted) of a stuttering slide down the rail; all stop and start like a locomotive as it begins to put the traincars.

          I heard that contractor had to stain the rail himself.

          1. sullivanst

            With what, though? Any time I fail to stop myself thinking about it, which fortunately is rare, my impression of Jan is always "drier than the desert"

    2. Warwhatgoodfor

      Or as the Saudi man replied when asked why he wasn't having sex with his wives: "damn sand gets in everything".

  18. Beowoof

    Is washing your underwear after a wet dream going to be illegal in the land of the Christian Taliban. Following Leviticus is following Sharia Law, the poor dumb bastards have no idea.

  19. johnnyzhivago

    If pregnancy starts two weeks before conception, America's fine corporations are owed BILLIONS in back maternity leave from women who copped an extra two weeks of pay for nothing.

    1. Fukui-sanRadioBarb

      And the idea was, the governor comes to the nearest man and that man, he'd start poundin' and hollerin' and screamin' and sometimes the governor would go away.

      Sometimes she wouldn't go away.

      Sometimes that governor, she looks right into you. Right into your eyes. You know the thing about Jan Brewer? She's got…lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll's eyes. When she comes at ya, doesn't seem to be livin'. Until she bites ya and those black eyes roll over white.

  20. LastGasp

    But Jan wasn’t quite finished. Just a few days ago, she signed a bill into law that allows religious-oriented employers to deny insurance coverage for birth control

    Something tells me we're going to see a whole bunch of Arizona employers finding religion.

      1. not that Radio

        How you doin' then? All right, are you? Now look, squire, you're the guv'nor here, I can see that. I'm in your manor now. So there's no need to get your knickers in a twist. Whatever this bollocks is that's going down between you and that slag Valentine, it's got nothing to do with me. I couldn't care less. Alright, mate? Let me explain. When I was in prison – second time – uh, no, telling a lie, third stretch, yeah, third, third – there was this screw what really had it in for me, and that geezer was top of my list. Two years after I got sprung, I sees him in Arnold Park. He's sittin' on a bench feedin' bloody pigeons. There was no-one about, I could've gone up behind him and snapped his fuckin' neck, *wallop!* But I left it. I could've knobbled him, but I didn't. 'Cause what I thought I wanted wasn't what I wanted. What I thought I was thinkin' about was something else. I didn't give a toss. It didn't matter, see? This berk on the bench wasn't worth my time. It meant sod-all in the end, 'cause you gotta make a choice: when to do something, and when to let it go. When it matters, and when it don't. Bide your time. That's what prison teaches you, if nothing else. Bide your time, and everything becomes clear, and you can act accordingly.

        1. Mumbletypeg

          Shit, shit shit! The only other film I've ever actually seen Stamp in. Bravo, messr. I never tire of watching him as the Limey or as Priscilla. In the former, I can still feel his grief for his lost daughter, such palpably delivered emotion.

          1. not that Radio

            The one that I haven't seen, but that I need to see, is Poor Cow, the film used as the flashback sequences in The Limey. I've got Limey on an extremely well-used VHS. I plan to keep watching it until the tape turns to dust.

    1. Butch_Wagstaff

      Dammit, wished I saw your comment sooner.

      My favorite quote from that movie:
      "Now listen here, you mullet. Why don't you just light your tampon, and blow your box apart? Because it's the only bang you're ever gonna get, sweetheart!"

      I think Brewer may have actually tried doing that.

  21. elfgoldsackring

    Well, if showing a circumcision certificate is too much, what about we line up the candidates for a wet speedo contest instead?

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      Mitt Romney, Herman Cain, Newt Gingrich, Rick Perry, Ron Paul and Rick Santorum in wet Speedos? Are you sure that you want to go there?

  22. Rotundo_

    "Kids, this is what too much tanning and too many cigarettes can do to your face(audible gasps and gags and several children in hushed tones saying "whoa FUCK!') . Now here is a view of the Governor from the side showing the wattles more clearly (more audible gasps). And finally, in living color (audible gasps and rapid footsteps followed by door opening and slamming against the wall)."

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Seriously. She's 67 and she looks as old as my mother who is 85. Then again, my mother never smoked, drank, tanned herself or hated liberals.

  23. SayItWithWookies

    Oh, man — Chuck Brown, the creator of go-go, died today. He was a great musician and made the world a better, happier, funkier place.

  24. Antispandex

    " No. She vetoed it because the law required presidential candidates to prove they are US citizens by showing their P-E-N-I-S (circumcision certificate). Jan just thought that was awful."

    I'm calling bullshit on this one. I have seen her, and this is the ONLY way Jan is ever going to see a penis. I mean, she just has to get her a peak somehow, right? Oh, yeah, the intertubes…I forgot…never mind.

  25. pdiddycornchips

    She loves penises and other women in AZ have vagina's. Her plan is diabolically simple.
    Drive the other vajajay's out of town and she'll be the fairest of them all.

    1. Fukui-sanRadioBarb

      She'd have to do the same with farm animals for that weak-ass plan to work.

  26. BelleSC

    She vetoed it because the law required presidential candidates to prove they are US citizens by showing their P-E-N-I-S (circumcision certificate).

    Okay, I don't get this. Can someone explain it? WTF does being cirumcised or, for that matter, being a male have to do with being a presidential candidate?

    1. Fukui-sanRadioBarb

      I wondered the exact same thing. I don't remember anything in the constitution about chopped wangs being a prerequisite for President. Wonder what Hillary would have done?

    2. elfgoldsackring

      I think it means the details of when and where someone was circumcised could be used as evidence to confirm he was born in the US shortly beforehand. You know, if he was male and circumcised and Jewish (? who else issues circ certificates?) and had no birth certificate and could be assumed not to have been transported across a border. So yeah, pretty piss poor evidence.

    3. spends2much

      Ya, you'd think these freaks would want candidates with foreskins, to help weed out possible Jewish candidates as a bonus.

      1. anniegetyerfun

        But I thought that circumcision was really, really common in the US? I mean, I've seen my fair share of cock, and I think I've seen one, maybe two uncircumcised peens, both belonging to men who grew up outside of the US.

        I don't know about the certificates, though. I mean, if you can't find your birth certificate, what are the changes that you would keep a circumcision certificate in the baby album?

    4. NYNYNYjr

      Your question is suspicious. Do you mind showing me your circumcision cerficate so that we know you're an american citizen? No, not that one, the long form. Wait, the Mohel only initialed it- this is a forgery!

  27. mavenmaven

    With any luck, AZ will soon be all Mexican and they will certainly be more reasonable.

  28. Boojum

    Free at last, free at last, I thank God I'm free at last!

    But, sorry 'bout the vag, ladies.

  29. spends2much

    What's Jan's email address? If (when) I get drunk this weekend, maybe I'll send her a vag shot so she can keep track of what it's up to.

    A pleasant diversion from the usual drunk texting.

  30. Troglodeity

    Do you mean Jan Brewer, Honorary Chairwoman of the National Coalition for Men?

  31. Wonderthing

    I think Arizona should take off the rainbow shades. Why don't they go my way? Which is 24/7 partay, partay. I mean if you're gonna go nuts, at least have the balls (see, balls) to have fun doing it.

  32. sati_demise

    being past the age of all that so it doesn't affect me bodily, it still damages my mind to think this is my Governor


    1. Fukui-sanRadioBarb

      Good god, that's unconscionable.

      I've had some dealings with these vicious assclowns (wife won) and they rely on the consumer being too scared and/or poor to even fight in court… which means a default judgement (and garnishment) based on whatever bullshit the collector comes up with.

      Jan goddamn Brewer: just when you thought she couldn't get worse.

  33. Pres.Beeblebrox

    I would just like to pause for a moment and thank Obamar for unleashing this hideous Tan Mom/harpy on the nation by appointing the sane & rational Janet Napolitano as Homeland Security Secretary, a post previously held by Nobel Peace Prize nominees Michael Chertoff and Tom Ridge.

    I mean, seriously, what was Bammz smoking when he made that decision?

  34. Negropolis

    I'm going to start calling her Governor Gila Monster for her handsome looks, resistance to drought, and venomous jaws.

  35. gingerland62

    The apple doesn't fall from tree.
    She victimizes women through ridiculous and harmful laws.
    Her son is an insane rapist.

  36. ttommyunger

    This; from a woman who, for reasons that should be obvious to all, has never been fucked.

  37. elburritodeluxe

    Unemployment, violent crime, shitty schools, crappy infrastructure, depletion of potable water, an epic housing bust: those are run of the mill problems nobody knows or cares how to fix. The real problem in Arizona was all those Abortions and sex!

  38. UncleLooney

    Jan's 'top' surgery went well but the bottom part didn't. Her vaginoplasty looked more like a burrito than a taco and now she hates vaginas AND Hispanics — especially pretty Latinas with tiny vaginas.

  39. lloydstool

    This woman has VAGINA DENTATA of the Face. This picture makes me want to get in shape so's I can run away if she gets within two states of my penis which, because I live in Massachusetts, is a mangina.

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