BORN FREE  5:00 pm May 16, 2012

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer Owns Your Vag But Penises Must Run Free

by Lisa Wines

One more toke then I'll drop trouThank Jeebus that growing (medicinal) pot is legal in Arizona. Because if you have half a brain, you pretty much have to be stoned 24/7 in order to live there. Now, if you happen to be a woman with a brain AND an active libido, you might as well high-tail it right outa Dodge. Because Governor Jan Brewer hates your vagina.

First she decided that pregnancy starts two weeks before you get pregnant, just so she could pass a law to ban abortions after 18 weeks (instead of 20) and also too, force women to undergo transvaginal rape if they want an abortion. In the bill, legislators were extra careful to cross out the word surgery and replace it with ABORTION (in caps), in case somebody might not know what was going on. They also detailed the many ways a doctor can be imprisoned, lose their license and be sued by millions of people if they don’t “offer” the woman the chance to see her fetus and listen to its heart beat before they kill it.

Next, our friend Jan axed funding for Planned Parenthood. Because even though Arizona law already bans state money for abortion, if you place money into the bloodied hands of the Planned Parenthood abortionplex, we know they’ll use it to fund abortion, instead of all the other women’s health services they provide.

But Jan wasn’t quite finished. Just a few days ago, she signed a bill into law that allows religious-oriented employers to deny insurance coverage for birth control and abortion-inducing drugs. Women can get coverage for birth control, but they have to prove they’re taking the pill for a medical condition rather than for just being a big slut.

But, ladies, while Jan may hate your vagina, she cares deeply for the P-E-N-I-S. Contrast all her decisions on hoohahs with last year’s veto of Arizona’s Birther Bill. It wasn’t because birthers are douche bags or because she’s jealous of Orly Taitz because she has way more roots showing and her hair is frizzier and her face more wrinkled. No. She vetoed it because the law required presidential candidates to prove they are US citizens by showing their P-E-N-I-S (circumcision certificate). Jan just thought that was awful. A man’s penis for God’s sake? What about privacy? What about rights? HELLO! “This,” said she, “is a bridge too far.”

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 184 comments }

Barb May 16, 2012 at 5:02 pm

There's no war on women. (just the sluts who use contriception)

HippieEsq May 16, 2012 at 5:19 pm

There isn't, according to the 14 dumbshit GOP congresswoman who took time away from their efforts to eradicate self-awareness to pen an opinion in Politico this morning….

lisawines May 16, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Well that pisses me off. I think it's time we declare a war on women on women. Er…

HippieEsq May 16, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Hard to imagine what could be so upsetting about their declaration of non-war! Rest assured, they're working hard for your freedoms (from freedom?).

TeaNuts May 16, 2012 at 6:01 pm

So tell me more about this woman on woman theory. Tell it slowly……..

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 16, 2012 at 7:20 pm

How about a war OF women on women? All the guys would show up. Quite a few gals, too. Oh, and jello.

Warwhatgoodfor May 16, 2012 at 7:57 pm

What, no chocolate sauce?

friendlyskies May 16, 2012 at 6:11 pm

Just a war on women who are more attractive, sexually active, and beloved by handsome men than Jan Brewer.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 16, 2012 at 7:20 pm

Uh … I ran out of fingers and toes …

friendlyskies May 16, 2012 at 7:50 pm

I ran out of molecules.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 16, 2012 at 8:28 pm

You can count your *molecules*? Man, what talent!

Mittens Howell, III May 16, 2012 at 5:05 pm

"pregnancy starts two weeks before you get pregnant,'

Oh, that explains why morning sickness begins while women are having sex with me.

brunsworks May 16, 2012 at 5:49 pm

Does that mean that my sex partner is not allowed to interrupt my impure thoughts?

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 16, 2012 at 7:21 pm

You need to stop having sex in the morning.

Barb May 16, 2012 at 5:05 pm

OT:
Robert F. Kennedy Jr.'s Wife Found Dead In Apparent Suicide.

sullivanst May 16, 2012 at 5:06 pm

In Camelot, "Apparent Suicide" of course is sekrit code for "Murder"

actor212 May 16, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Suspicion immediately falls on Ethel as she was killed by an overturned table

Steverino247 May 16, 2012 at 6:41 pm

No, she kicked the bucket, not the table.

LionHeartSoyDog May 16, 2012 at 9:20 pm

Ethel Alcohol.

dadanarchist May 16, 2012 at 5:46 pm

Has Breitbrats.com connected this to Andy's "murder" yet?

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 16, 2012 at 7:24 pm

Oh, wow. How sad. She had a drug and alcohol problem, I think, no?

Callyson May 16, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Never have I been so glad I got the hell out of that state. For those still there:
http://www.ca.gov/HomeFamily/MovingToCA.html

GeorgiaBurning May 16, 2012 at 7:25 pm

I moved too, once I realized staying drunk enough to stand the place while earning enough money to pay for that much booze was a logical impossibility.

anniegetyerfun May 16, 2012 at 10:09 pm

Thank you. Somehow, someday, I will make it back to California. It WILL HAPPEN.

BigSkullF*ckingDog May 16, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Man, this lady is really putting a cramp in my 24/7 baby killing lifestyle.

FraAnima May 16, 2012 at 5:44 pm

I know, right? Jan's afraid librul wimmens get themselves knocked up, then suddenly after 5 months they say "pffft, fuck it, I'm sick of this shit." I'm sure that happens ALL. THE. FUCKING. TIME!

I hate Jan with the heat of a thousand white hot suns.

hagajim May 16, 2012 at 5:06 pm

If I looked like Jan I'd probably hate my vagina too, or maybe Jan is hiding a penis under her dress?

smokefilledroommate May 16, 2012 at 5:12 pm

If she had a penis, it would be so shriveled it would be a vagina anyway.

OneDollarJuana May 16, 2012 at 5:43 pm

Jan Brewer is a big penis. Or big dick, as it were.

miss_grundy May 16, 2012 at 5:59 pm

Yep, for a woman she sure does look like a very ugly tranny. I thought Repubs were into cosmetic surgery and high-priced hair stylists, cosmetics and wardrobes.

Fukui-sanRadioBarb May 16, 2012 at 6:02 pm

and that's just Lindsey Graham

Butch_Wagstaff May 16, 2012 at 7:19 pm

I was just thinking that Bernadette Bassenger hasn't aged very well.
(That was Terrence Stamp's character in "The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert")

LionHeartSoyDog May 16, 2012 at 9:23 pm

Money can't buy Love, or Beauty.

Warwhatgoodfor May 16, 2012 at 8:01 pm

Uses four D batteries.

edgydrifter May 16, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Honest to God–Jan Brewer is half lizard, and that's her good half.

Gratuitous World May 16, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Jan Brewer: all cock, no heart.

nounverb911 May 16, 2012 at 5:09 pm

Did you mean cock or Koch?

Gratuitous World May 16, 2012 at 5:10 pm

ah yes. everyone knows a Koch is the way to Jan's vagina, aka, "bridge to nowhere"

gross

Eve8Apples May 16, 2012 at 5:08 pm

If a fella overdoses on his Viagra and has an erection lasting longer than four hours, one look at that picture should solve that problem.

nounverb911 May 16, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Needs more headless governors bodies in the desert.

Blueb4sunrise May 16, 2012 at 5:08 pm

…..you pretty much have to be stoned 24/7 in order to live there

Whoa!!!!!

smokefilledroommate May 16, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Or drunk. Trust me, I know.

sullivanst May 16, 2012 at 5:47 pm

That's how Jan gets by.

FraAnima May 16, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Duuude.

Dashboard Barb May 16, 2012 at 5:08 pm

So wait…if a woman refuses to have sex with my and my active lil guys, can that be construed as contraception?

HippieEsq May 16, 2012 at 5:20 pm

It doesn't matter, if it's an act of judgment on the part of a woman the GOP will regulate it.

starfanglednut May 17, 2012 at 10:11 am

+ 5,000

Callyson May 16, 2012 at 5:09 pm

A man’s penis for God’s sake? What about privacy?

This is bad news for Larry Craig and every other closeted Republican who was hoping to catch a peek…

Mittens Howell, III May 16, 2012 at 5:10 pm

That woman eats a bowl of Hate Loops for breakfast every morning.

smokefilledroommate May 16, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Every now and then she'll settle for a bowl of Scorn Flakes.

Butch_Wagstaff May 16, 2012 at 7:22 pm

She's definitely doesn't like Cheery-Hoes.

smokefilledroommate May 16, 2012 at 5:11 pm

A bris too far?

sullivanst May 16, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Well played, I say. Well played!

Hedley_Lamarr May 16, 2012 at 5:11 pm

I've seen that picture before. It was after "Rowdy" Roddy Piper put on the sunglasses. Makes sense now.

actor212 May 16, 2012 at 5:25 pm

PUT THE GLASSES ON!

ChilLysol May 16, 2012 at 5:11 pm

Jan is clearly one big cunt who hasn't seen a P-E-N-I-S in decades.

widestanceromance May 16, 2012 at 5:19 pm

and she's never seen one in her

Beowoof May 16, 2012 at 5:27 pm

Oh I think she may have swallowed a Koch or two.

SayItWithWookies May 16, 2012 at 5:32 pm

That's because she doesn't have a reflection in mirrors.

Wile E. Quixote May 16, 2012 at 5:12 pm

I've said it before and I'll say it again, the Democrats need to hammer, hammer, hammer on this between now and the election, and not just in the presidential campaign. Everywhere a Republican is running a Democrat needs to bring up this crazy shit and make the Republican candidate either own it, or denounce it, and thus risk pissing off the teabaggers.

lisawines May 16, 2012 at 5:25 pm

They don't have to look any farther than AZ to get a long list of crazy. I could have written for days.

spinozasgod May 16, 2012 at 5:52 pm

well, there is little hope. I live in Wisconsin where we have defunded planned parenthood, put abstenance only in schools, made it a dismissal offense to say "contraception" in school, and that is on top of cutting the education budget by 1 billion dollars, deamonizing all public workers, etc.; yet our current governor walker, who is under investigation for election crimes, still has a solid lead over the democrat running against him in the recall.

Negropolis May 16, 2012 at 10:26 pm

They really do need a "When did you stop beating your wife?" talking point. And, it wouldn't be a trap, because the Republicans are doing exactly what they are doing.

YasserArraFeck May 16, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Well, that did it. "jan Brewer" and "vagina" in the same sentence has pretty much shut me down for the foreseeable future. Thanks Wonkette.

Jus_Wonderin May 16, 2012 at 5:52 pm

I have to believe she actually has given it name. However, I won't try to guess it.

Boojum May 16, 2012 at 6:34 pm

It's easy. Cthulhu.

YasserArraFeck May 16, 2012 at 10:55 pm

"Vagina Dessicata"

anniegetyerfun May 16, 2012 at 10:18 pm

Just think of all of the abortions teh Wonket has prevented, though.

SmutBoffin May 16, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Isn't Wines our operative in Yoorupp? I bet it's really different over there. She probably lives above an abortionarium/free drugs shoppe and eats croissants made out of Socialism.

Arizona must appear to be some desolate third world regime from her perspective.

actor212 May 16, 2012 at 5:20 pm

Please.

It's spelled "abourtion"

Blueb4sunrise May 16, 2012 at 5:24 pm

There's a rumor that Lisa spent time in Az., but she left because some creep was following her around.

lisawines May 16, 2012 at 5:35 pm

He followed me to Paris. :-)

Blueb4sunrise May 16, 2012 at 5:38 pm

I DID NOT!!!
Oh, wait, never mind.

lisawines May 16, 2012 at 5:29 pm

Yes! Women line up outside of the Place d l'Abhortion before nine every morning, chatting happily, smoking Gauloises dipped in hashish and drinking absinthe. I lean out my window and wave.

emmelemm May 16, 2012 at 5:35 pm

That sounds divine!

SmutBoffin May 16, 2012 at 5:51 pm

I bet they wave back and say "Bonjour demoiselle les Vins!" or whatever, then go back to talking about their nation's inverted politics.

lisawines May 16, 2012 at 6:01 pm

Eggzactly. And in my neighborhood, they're all wearing burkas with their Birkin bags.

sullivanst May 16, 2012 at 6:43 pm

Gitanes libel!

(and isn't it a bit rich still calling them Gauloises now they're made in Spain?)

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 16, 2012 at 7:37 pm

I hope you wave a hashish-soaked Gauloise, or a Gudang Garam, at least.

Boojum May 16, 2012 at 6:35 pm

It seems that way to me, too.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 16, 2012 at 7:29 pm

Honey, Arizona appears to be some desolate third world regime from a MEXICAN perspective.

actor212 May 16, 2012 at 5:13 pm

OMG! I'm…I'm turning to STONE!

doloras May 16, 2012 at 10:02 pm

Now you really are hard.

Jus_Wonderin May 16, 2012 at 5:14 pm

"This is a bridge too far."

Is that measured in AOL inches?

PuckStopsHere May 16, 2012 at 5:15 pm

I'll be she got stiffed on Mother's Day (and not in a good way).

Jus_Wonderin May 16, 2012 at 5:16 pm

Lisa, I agree. Putting an alt-text on that image would have been toooooo much.

sullivanst May 16, 2012 at 5:26 pm

It has an alt. What it lacks is a title – IE ignores the HTML standards and uses alt in lieu of title, Firefox and Chrome are very smug in their compliance but it means you can't see the text. This annoyed me enough that I recently threw together a tiny little Firefox extension to fix it.

Jus_Wonderin May 16, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Is that going to open my Chase Bank and eTrade accounts too? <g>

sullivanst May 16, 2012 at 5:39 pm

You can view the source from that link. Like I said, it's tiny. It'll open up the images on your Chase and eTrade accounts to check whether they have alts but no titles, but it's certainly not capable of sending me your password (or your money) ;)

Now uploaded to the Mozilla Add-Ons site where it's easier to work out how to install it.

Jus_Wonderin May 16, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Thankeezzz.

lisawines May 16, 2012 at 5:31 pm

I had one there but really, there was nothing more to say.

CthuNHu May 16, 2012 at 5:19 pm

She might suck at being a governor, but you gotta admit, she was great as Magda in There's Something About Mary.

Mittens Howell, III May 16, 2012 at 5:20 pm

Fetching Lysol for my eyes.

SayItWithWookies May 16, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Wow, Rupert Murdoch looks like crap.

rickmaci May 16, 2012 at 5:23 pm

That's somebody's grandmother. May God have mercy on their little souls.

Butch_Wagstaff May 16, 2012 at 7:29 pm

She's type of grandmother that grandkids hide from when she comes to visit.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 16, 2012 at 8:34 pm

The *family pets* probly take one look and hightail it out to the back forty until Grammie goes home. Geez, brrr.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 16, 2012 at 7:35 pm

I sure as fuck hope not. I know she has one mentally ill son. Please tell me her other attempts at reproduction (and his as well) were unsuccessful.

fartknocker May 16, 2012 at 5:24 pm

When I get my franchise agreement from Abortionplex, I think I'll build my complex in Truth or Consequences, NM. The ladies can make it a day trip, kind of a staycation. I think the Arizona womens will really enjoy the spa treatment.

sati_demise May 16, 2012 at 7:14 pm

Elephant Head Lake next door is beautiful, too. All the migratory birds…..

widestanceromance May 16, 2012 at 5:24 pm

That's the first photo of her natural hair/skin color I've seen. It is a color photo, right?

SorosBot May 16, 2012 at 5:25 pm

If she loves penises, then why does she have a face that makes them shrink and shrivel up?

Butch_Wagstaff May 16, 2012 at 7:31 pm

Because her face has shrunk and shriveled up?

Beowoof May 16, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Judging by the face her vagina would most likely have the texture of coarse sand paper. A fetish that I have no interest in.

Jus_Wonderin May 16, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Poor thing, she has never been able to experience the joy of sliding down a stairway handrail.

Beowoof May 16, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Well there was this refinishing contractor that hired her to make a couple of passes down a railing to be refinished.

Jus_Wonderin May 16, 2012 at 5:47 pm

I get this image (and now I am haunted) of a stuttering slide down the rail; all stop and start like a locomotive as it begins to put the traincars.

I heard that contractor had to stain the rail himself.

Boojum May 16, 2012 at 6:37 pm

Oh no. When she was through, it was PLENTY stained.

sati_demise May 16, 2012 at 7:15 pm

Dangerous for woodies

Warwhatgoodfor May 16, 2012 at 8:06 pm

Or as the Saudi man replied when asked why he wasn't having sex with his wives: "damn sand gets in everything".

Callyson May 16, 2012 at 5:26 pm

P – E – N – I – S goes into the void that is Jan Brewer's mind…

HistoriCat May 16, 2012 at 5:52 pm

No skullfucking!

Beowoof May 16, 2012 at 5:29 pm

Is washing your underwear after a wet dream going to be illegal in the land of the Christian Taliban. Following Leviticus is following Sharia Law, the poor dumb bastards have no idea.

johnnyzhivago May 16, 2012 at 5:29 pm

If pregnancy starts two weeks before conception, America's fine corporations are owed BILLIONS in back maternity leave from women who copped an extra two weeks of pay for nothing.

johnnyzhivago May 16, 2012 at 5:31 pm

BTW, she is one ugly bitch.

Fukui-sanRadioBarb May 16, 2012 at 6:21 pm

And the idea was, the governor comes to the nearest man and that man, he'd start poundin' and hollerin' and screamin' and sometimes the governor would go away.

Sometimes she wouldn't go away.

Sometimes that governor, she looks right into you. Right into your eyes. You know the thing about Jan Brewer? She's got…lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll's eyes. When she comes at ya, doesn't seem to be livin'. Until she bites ya and those black eyes roll over white.

sullivanst May 16, 2012 at 6:51 pm

Shark libel!

LastGasp May 16, 2012 at 5:31 pm

But Jan wasn’t quite finished. Just a few days ago, she signed a bill into law that allows religious-oriented employers to deny insurance coverage for birth control

Something tells me we're going to see a whole bunch of Arizona employers finding religion.

BTWBFDIMHO May 16, 2012 at 5:34 pm

Since when is Terence Stamp the Gov of Arizona?

Wile E. Quixote May 16, 2012 at 5:42 pm

KNEEL BEFORE ZOD LIBEL!!!!!!

Mumbletypeg May 16, 2012 at 5:43 pm

Terence Stamp

Haha — my same reaction, exactly!

not that Radio May 21, 2012 at 6:42 am

How you doin' then? All right, are you? Now look, squire, you're the guv'nor here, I can see that. I'm in your manor now. So there's no need to get your knickers in a twist. Whatever this bollocks is that's going down between you and that slag Valentine, it's got nothing to do with me. I couldn't care less. Alright, mate? Let me explain. When I was in prison – second time – uh, no, telling a lie, third stretch, yeah, third, third – there was this screw what really had it in for me, and that geezer was top of my list. Two years after I got sprung, I sees him in Arnold Park. He's sittin' on a bench feedin' bloody pigeons. There was no-one about, I could've gone up behind him and snapped his fuckin' neck, *wallop!* But I left it. I could've knobbled him, but I didn't. 'Cause what I thought I wanted wasn't what I wanted. What I thought I was thinkin' about was something else. I didn't give a toss. It didn't matter, see? This berk on the bench wasn't worth my time. It meant sod-all in the end, 'cause you gotta make a choice: when to do something, and when to let it go. When it matters, and when it don't. Bide your time. That's what prison teaches you, if nothing else. Bide your time, and everything becomes clear, and you can act accordingly.

Mumbletypeg May 21, 2012 at 11:45 am

Shit, shit shit! The only other film I've ever actually seen Stamp in. Bravo, messr. I never tire of watching him as the Limey or as Priscilla. In the former, I can still feel his grief for his lost daughter, such palpably delivered emotion.

not that Radio May 21, 2012 at 12:06 pm

The one that I haven't seen, but that I need to see, is Poor Cow, the film used as the flashback sequences in The Limey. I've got Limey on an extremely well-used VHS. I plan to keep watching it until the tape turns to dust.

Butch_Wagstaff May 16, 2012 at 7:35 pm

Dammit, wished I saw your comment sooner.

My favorite quote from that movie:
"Now listen here, you mullet. Why don't you just light your tampon, and blow your box apart? Because it's the only bang you're ever gonna get, sweetheart!"

I think Brewer may have actually tried doing that.

BTWBFDIMHO May 16, 2012 at 11:33 pm

Priscilla, Queen of Arizona?

elfgoldsackring May 16, 2012 at 5:36 pm

Well, if showing a circumcision certificate is too much, what about we line up the candidates for a wet speedo contest instead?

Wile E. Quixote May 16, 2012 at 5:55 pm

Mitt Romney, Herman Cain, Newt Gingrich, Rick Perry, Ron Paul and Rick Santorum in wet Speedos? Are you sure that you want to go there?

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 16, 2012 at 7:41 pm

Er … hmm. I may have rethunk that.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 16, 2012 at 7:41 pm

Certified Budgie-Smugglers for sale! Get yours here!

Not_So_Much May 16, 2012 at 5:36 pm

Samsonite Luggage Libel!

Jus_Wonderin May 16, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Or the cheaper knockoff equivalent.

Rotundo_ May 16, 2012 at 5:43 pm

"Kids, this is what too much tanning and too many cigarettes can do to your face(audible gasps and gags and several children in hushed tones saying "whoa FUCK!') . Now here is a view of the Governor from the side showing the wattles more clearly (more audible gasps). And finally, in living color (audible gasps and rapid footsteps followed by door opening and slamming against the wall)."

sullivanst May 16, 2012 at 5:46 pm

Needz moar ear-piercing screams.

Warwhatgoodfor May 16, 2012 at 8:09 pm

What about the retching and vomiting? Huh? What about it?

Butch_Wagstaff May 16, 2012 at 8:51 pm

And tears?

Jukesgrrl May 17, 2012 at 3:04 am

Seriously. She's 67 and she looks as old as my mother who is 85. Then again, my mother never smoked, drank, tanned herself or hated liberals.

Mumbletypeg May 16, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Welcome to the Victorian era, Arizona. Gov. Brewer heard it was especially nice this time of year.

SayItWithWookies May 16, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Oh, man — Chuck Brown, the creator of go-go, died today. He was a great musician and made the world a better, happier, funkier place.

Mumbletypeg May 16, 2012 at 5:46 pm

The death was confirmed by his manager Tom Goldfogle

Even the manager's name sounds fuuuunnnky~

Exhausted66 May 16, 2012 at 5:46 pm

Self-Hating Cunt.

Antispandex May 16, 2012 at 5:46 pm

" No. She vetoed it because the law required presidential candidates to prove they are US citizens by showing their P-E-N-I-S (circumcision certificate). Jan just thought that was awful."

I'm calling bullshit on this one. I have seen her, and this is the ONLY way Jan is ever going to see a penis. I mean, she just has to get her a peak somehow, right? Oh, yeah, the intertubes…I forgot…never mind.

elfgoldsackring May 16, 2012 at 5:52 pm

Tanning Mom, is that you?

Mittens Howell, III May 16, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Yes. Now shut the door–you're letting the cancer out!

MissTaken May 16, 2012 at 5:53 pm

♫ Throw the foreskin down the well
So my penis can be free! ♫

pdiddycornchips May 16, 2012 at 5:53 pm

She loves penises and other women in AZ have vagina's. Her plan is diabolically simple.
Drive the other vajajay's out of town and she'll be the fairest of them all.

Fukui-sanRadioBarb May 16, 2012 at 6:00 pm

She'd have to do the same with farm animals for that weak-ass plan to work.

sbj1964 May 16, 2012 at 5:53 pm

Is she a Sith lord? Looking at this women I felt a disturbance in the Force.

BelleSC May 16, 2012 at 6:01 pm

She vetoed it because the law required presidential candidates to prove they are US citizens by showing their P-E-N-I-S (circumcision certificate).

Okay, I don't get this. Can someone explain it? WTF does being cirumcised or, for that matter, being a male have to do with being a presidential candidate?

Fukui-sanRadioBarb May 16, 2012 at 6:15 pm

I wondered the exact same thing. I don't remember anything in the constitution about chopped wangs being a prerequisite for President. Wonder what Hillary would have done?

Warwhatgoodfor May 16, 2012 at 8:11 pm

This is too easy. "oh, Bill, I need to talk to you".

elfgoldsackring May 16, 2012 at 6:19 pm

I think it means the details of when and where someone was circumcised could be used as evidence to confirm he was born in the US shortly beforehand. You know, if he was male and circumcised and Jewish (? who else issues circ certificates?) and had no birth certificate and could be assumed not to have been transported across a border. So yeah, pretty piss poor evidence.

spends2much May 16, 2012 at 6:26 pm

Ya, you'd think these freaks would want candidates with foreskins, to help weed out possible Jewish candidates as a bonus.

swordfis May 16, 2012 at 9:52 pm

I think it's primarily aimed at Muslims.

anniegetyerfun May 16, 2012 at 10:30 pm

But I thought that circumcision was really, really common in the US? I mean, I've seen my fair share of cock, and I think I've seen one, maybe two uncircumcised peens, both belonging to men who grew up outside of the US.

I don't know about the certificates, though. I mean, if you can't find your birth certificate, what are the changes that you would keep a circumcision certificate in the baby album?

NYNYNYjr May 16, 2012 at 10:09 pm

Your question is suspicious. Do you mind showing me your circumcision cerficate so that we know you're an american citizen? No, not that one, the long form. Wait, the Mohel only initialed it- this is a forgery!

mavenmaven May 16, 2012 at 6:15 pm

With any luck, AZ will soon be all Mexican and they will certainly be more reasonable.

owhatever May 16, 2012 at 6:18 pm

Truck nutz on the gov's limo.

Boojum May 16, 2012 at 6:23 pm

Free at last, free at last, I thank God I'm free at last!

But, sorry 'bout the vag, ladies.

spends2much May 16, 2012 at 6:25 pm

What's Jan's email address? If (when) I get drunk this weekend, maybe I'll send her a vag shot so she can keep track of what it's up to.

A pleasant diversion from the usual drunk texting.

HistoriCat May 16, 2012 at 6:38 pm

So basically you're offering free vag shots?

Troglodeity May 16, 2012 at 6:27 pm

Do you mean Jan Brewer, Honorary Chairwoman of the National Coalition for Men?

Wonderthing May 16, 2012 at 6:28 pm

I think Arizona should take off the rainbow shades. Why don't they go my way? Which is 24/7 partay, partay. I mean if you're gonna go nuts, at least have the balls (see, balls) to have fun doing it.

Nostrildamus May 16, 2012 at 6:48 pm

Arizona, the "Show me your dick" state.

sullivanst May 16, 2012 at 6:55 pm

"Show me your dick and your papers"

Nostrildamus May 16, 2012 at 7:09 pm
Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 16, 2012 at 7:45 pm

Geezus fucking J. H. Christ on a pogo stick. That was VILE!

sati_demise May 16, 2012 at 7:19 pm

being past the age of all that so it doesn't affect me bodily, it still damages my mind to think this is my Governor

FUJan

chascates May 16, 2012 at 7:48 pm

Also today:
Gov. Jan Brewer Signs New Law That Takes Debt Collectors' Word For How Much You Owe http://crooksandliars.com/susie-madrak/gov-jan-br

Fukui-sanRadioBarb May 16, 2012 at 8:39 pm

Good god, that's unconscionable.

I've had some dealings with these vicious assclowns (wife won) and they rely on the consumer being too scared and/or poor to even fight in court… which means a default judgement (and garnishment) based on whatever bullshit the collector comes up with.

Jan goddamn Brewer: just when you thought she couldn't get worse.

telecustom1972 May 16, 2012 at 8:42 pm

Jan Brewer – The cure to the common boner.

Fukui-sanRadioBarb May 16, 2012 at 8:48 pm

Tough on boners, tough on the causes of boners.

Pres.Beeblebrox May 16, 2012 at 9:27 pm

I would just like to pause for a moment and thank Obamar for unleashing this hideous Tan Mom/harpy on the nation by appointing the sane & rational Janet Napolitano as Homeland Security Secretary, a post previously held by Nobel Peace Prize nominees Michael Chertoff and Tom Ridge.

I mean, seriously, what was Bammz smoking when he made that decision?

Negropolis May 16, 2012 at 10:22 pm

I'm going to start calling her Governor Gila Monster for her handsome looks, resistance to drought, and venomous jaws.

greenide1 May 16, 2012 at 10:41 pm

She's a man, baby.

Negropolis May 17, 2012 at 2:23 am

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

gingerland62 May 17, 2012 at 1:34 am

The apple doesn't fall from tree.
She victimizes women through ridiculous and harmful laws.
Her son is an insane rapist.

Negropolis May 17, 2012 at 2:26 am

Haiku; you're doing it wrong.

ttommyunger May 17, 2012 at 8:26 am

This; from a woman who, for reasons that should be obvious to all, has never been fucked.

elburritodeluxe May 17, 2012 at 9:43 am

Unemployment, violent crime, shitty schools, crappy infrastructure, depletion of potable water, an epic housing bust: those are run of the mill problems nobody knows or cares how to fix. The real problem in Arizona was all those Abortions and sex!

UncleLooney May 17, 2012 at 10:00 am

Jan's 'top' surgery went well but the bottom part didn't. Her vaginoplasty looked more like a burrito than a taco and now she hates vaginas AND Hispanics — especially pretty Latinas with tiny vaginas.

lloydstool May 17, 2012 at 11:31 am

This woman has VAGINA DENTATA of the Face. This picture makes me want to get in shape so's I can run away if she gets within two states of my penis which, because I live in Massachusetts, is a mangina.

sullivanst May 16, 2012 at 6:53 pm

With what, though? Any time I fail to stop myself thinking about it, which fortunately is rare, my impression of Jan is always "drier than the desert"

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 16, 2012 at 8:40 pm

Sure, bring chocolate sauce.

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