Empress of Outer Space Orly Taitz Has New Senate Campaign Ad (VIDEO)

  prepare to be catharted

Or is that secretly Newt Gingrich in there?

Yes, friends, your beloved election girlfriend and California GOP candidate for U.S. Senate Orly Taitz has finally found the time don a suit of medieval armor, sit down with a tank of nitrous oxide pilfered from the dental office supply closet along with one hundred cigarettes and then take alternating puffs on each until she came up with her very own campaign video. You must now watch it.

WAIT first here is a preview, or more of a WARNING, that Dianne Feinstein will jump out at you like a squirrely hobbit.

We won’t tell you when! Now here is the campaign ad:

Is this perhaps a new record for most themes covered in a single campaign ad? The California state budget crisis is secretly the fault of California’s representatives in Washington; Communism; the Holocaust; Constitution rape; illee-gals; Orly is lonely; Constitution rape; and also too, she is the “Energizer bunny on steroids” according to the wheezing noises in the audio track, gross. Oh dear we are giggling, it’s like Orly Taitz has found out how to make the laughing gas contagious through the computer screen, it is MAGIC. [YouTube]

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430 comments

    1. V572 Is this him?

      If you sue her for dental malpractice she'll slap a lien on your house and sell it out from under you.

    1. criminogenic

      Man I'm all for chicks in Medieval knight outfits, it even makes Orly look slightly fuckable so one can see there is hope!

        1. criminogenic

          very nice, I think the Bustier/chick armor was the only good thing to come out of the Medieval period.

  1. FraAnima

    'tis but a scratch. Come on, ya pansy. I'll bite your legs off.

    [edited for quotational accuracy].

  2. Fare la Volpe

    "She's like the energizer bunny on steroids"

    Harder, wetter, faster, tighter than any 20-year-old.

    1. Fukui-sanRadioBarb

      I'll say it: I bet she's cracking in bed.

      You'd have to give a false name and phone number, of course.

      1. Chichikovovich

        Don't have any illusions. Before you are out of bed she will have implanted a tracking device in your butt cheek. And you will think it was a playful love nip…..

      2. Negropolis

        Yes, I bet she cracks open up the skulls of her lovers when she's through with them, and scoops out the brains.

      3. Ann_ObeyMe_Money

        According to papers filed with the court by her former lawyer's associate, the lawyer certainly thought so. He did all her legal work for free (not that that's any recommendation), and had plenty to say about Orly's kinky bedroom persona.

        1. sewollef

          Lampshades. I believe she makes lampshades out of 'em. It's to cope with her monstrous Stockholm syndrome.

  3. mormos

    That has to be copyright infringement

    also, Orly Taitz is clearly a communist spy come to steal our freedums

    1. Negropolis

      I'm so waiting for someone to turn her crazy-ass logic on her. She's a Manchurian candidate from Moldova.

  4. Crank_Tango

    I'd click on the clickie, if I clicked on clickies, but fool me once, etc. won't get fooled again, also.

    1. Designer_Rants

      I clicked the clicky, for a few seconds. I learned that Feinstein is incapable of taking a bad photo, or Oily Taintz was just too lazy to find one.

        1. Butch_Wagstaff

          I didn't watch the video so I didn't hear the audio but I'm sure there was some spit flying out.

      1. not that Radio

        You laugh, but I actually had to work with a VO guy like that. Apparently, aside from the wheezing, clicking and hissing, his voice was golden. It was up to me to restore it to a human-sounding car dealer commercial when he was done.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Could use a spell check, too.

      "depravation" Lol.

      She's just one letter away from a shout out to my favorite Debbie Harry solo album.

      1. Butch_Wagstaff

        I had that album and really liked it.
        I always loved Blondie as a group but never thought she got her props for her solo stuff.

    2. Buckminster

      As a person who worked in TV and radio prod during the last 30 years, this is a piece of crap. Fire everyone involved, including the writer.

      Oh, I guess she wrote and narrated herself. Shoot, fire everyone.

  5. V572 Is this him?

    Voted today, and was glad Orly was on the ballot to make me feel better about voting for DiFei.

  6. Barb

    Her hair looks like it was styled and colored at the Farmer's Market by a drunken one- legged midget on a stepladder.

        1. Chichikovovich

          You mean: "If anyone was offended I sincerely apologize (etc.)".

          And you might also want to drop the "sincerely", because that sounds too sincere.

      1. Gleem McShineys

        Able to be hotter, wetter, and tighter than a 20 year old in a single bound!

        IT'S

        Oh, wait, cuts

  7. Callyson

    The narrator sounds like the person who has emphysema in the anti – tobacco public service ads…

  8. BlueStateLibel

    That voice sounds like she was wearing a housedress and just smoked a carton of Marlboros. Give me some sweet, smooth Barry please to get the horrible taste out of my ears.

    1. dadanarchist

      Mr. Peabody installed an interdimensional vortex that one time they almost caught Moose and Squirrel….

      I think I'm confusing my cartoon characters…

    2. Rotundo_

      Rust never sleeps, judging by how loony Orly is, I suspect she probably doesn't either. Just clanks up and down her bungalow in armor, pissing away and muttering in Russian for hours and hours.

    3. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      In days of old when knights were bold
      and toilets weren't invented,
      they laid their load upon the road
      and walked away contented !

        1. LetUsBray

          I thought traffic was even worse than usual lately. Stupid pedestrian right of way laws.

    4. tessiee

      "How does she go to the bathroom in that iron suit?"

      Well, if she goes to the bathroom IN it, it must be pretty rusty by now…
      And pretty stinky…
      So I'm guessing she takes off at least the bottom part.

  9. LettucePrey

    Wouldn't she have been shot by now if she pulled this shit in U-becky-becky-stan or wherever the fuck she's from?

    1. Rotundo_

      Probably some 3 pack a day dental customer that owes her money: "Flossie, You vahhnt voice-over gig? I take twenny bucks off tab."

  10. Fukui-sanRadioBarb

    Loving the glistening butt-plug in front of the 20th C fox style "Orly Taintz" logo.

    1. Rotundo_

      I saw that too. Not sure if it is Orly that is fixated (not wet and tight enough?) for placing it, or I am for noticing it. In any case tres amusent.

  11. Callyson

    Per the moment that starts around 0:50:

    Orly Taitz is running for president of Hollywood now? Well, she certainly knows how to put on an amusing show…

  12. Callyson

    "She's like the energizer bunny on steroids"

    Ah, so it *was* the drugs, then. I knew there had to be some kind of explanation for Orly Taitz' version of insanity…

  13. SayItWithWookies

    I hope Californians send Orly Taitz to Washington. Specifically to St. Elizabeth's.

    1. criminogenic

      lol, she's taken it up a notch! now those that only wear the hat are suspect leaving Oily as the one of pure thought.

  14. LettucePrey

    Don't tell me how it ends! Let me guess… Orly and Barack fall in love at the end!

        1. Dashboard Buddha

          Their loving making would last 30 minutes. 5 minutes of actual sex (and I'm being charitable here) followed by 25 minutes of crying.—

          1. Warwhatgoodfor

            There is that fine line between being just drunk enough to find her worth checking out, and being too drunk to do anything about it. All praise to the FSM and his beer mountain.

      1. Butch_Wagstaff

        It must be orange, like a carrot. And very dirty, like, right out of the ground dirty.

      1. Warwhatgoodfor

        Nor will anyone who looks at her have the ability to look at any other woman if the FSM grants their wish to be blinded.

  15. V572 Is this him?

    It was nice to see that McNaughton "painting" clip of Hopey burning the Constitution. That's as far as I could make it though. Did the narrator phone it in?

    1. JustPixelz

      Hopey doing the burning? I thought it was a portrayal of how Dubya & Cheney handed things off to BO.

      1. V572 Is this him?

        Whenever the mess gets really bad, you have to bring a colored man to come in and clean it up.

    1. sullivanst

      Also an "any knowledge of the law is optional" and "having the first clue how to argue a point is optional" school. I mean, have you read any of her briefs or transcripts of oral arguments?

      1. emmelemm

        Yes, as in, "It's not whether he did it or not, it's what we can prove." Facts ARE optional.

  16. iburl

    Holocaust talk then "Orly escaped the bloodshed to come to America"

    What bloodshed is this? She emigrated in 1981. I guess that would have been that "bloodshed" of not having access to Journey's "Escape" album.

    How do we know this nut is not a soviet spy? Mitt Romney says that the Soviet Union is our #1 foe!

    1. OneYieldRegular

      Isn't there still a court somewhere that's still waiting for its $20,000 fine? If not, there soon will be.

    2. Buckminster

      Misquoted Orly again. What she really said was she was circling on the pavement looking for the dime someone dropped. Probably doesn't even care if she loses her hand sanitizer out of her purse looking. stupid woman.

  17. Mittens Howell, III

    A thin shield of Boob-Armor is the only thing saving us from the crazy juice right now.

  18. Callyson

    "A better California awaits, if our support is with Dr. Taitz"

    You know what else rhymes with Taitz?

    1. Doktor StrangeZoom

      I've got about a million hates
      My skull is filled with steel plates
      The only girl I know inflates…

      But when it comes to Orly Taitz
      I simply wouldn't tempt the Fates–
      I'd sooner vote for Norman Bates

    2. tessiee

      Norman Bates?
      Mystery Dates?
      Addlepates?
      Hourly rates?
      Potentates?
      William Butler Yeats?

    3. OneYieldRegular

      A better California awaits, if…if… crap, I need a word, people!…if…if…Oh! Got it!

      A better California awaits, if Orly Taitz is deported.

      1. Doktor StrangeZoom

        Tim, Tim Benzedrine!
        Hash! Boo! Valvoline!
        Clean! Clean! Clean for Gene!
        First, Second, Neutral, Park!
        Hie thee hence, you leafy narc!

  19. sullivanst

    So much win in just 4 minutes.

    She kicks off discussing state budget issues that have absolutely no fucking thing whatsoever to do with the Federal Congressional Delegation she is so desperately seeking to join.

    I like that she clearly identifies herself as the Fox candidate, by totally ripping off their little "we made this" movie logo/animation thingy.

    I love that she provides so much material to link mainstream Republicanism.

    The voice is weird in a funny way

    And of course she is, as always, hilarious.

    [Edit: and how could I forget the guest appearance by Jon McNaughton?]

  20. starfanglednut

    wtf? So a person born and raised in a communist country is eligible for public office, but a person born in motherfuckin HAWAII, isn't?

    Oh that's right, he's black.

    1. OneYieldRegular

      Not even 10 years ago, California Republicans were screaming for the law to be changed to allow Arnold to run for President.

      1. Butch_Wagstaff

        That would have worked out well.
        But then again, W sorta thought of himself as action film star, didn't he? The whole scene of him in a flight suit with a codpiece & a "Mission Accomplished" banner behind him could have come right out of one Ah-nuld's last flops.

  21. GregComlish

    The "Energizer Bunny on steroids" sounds less like Orly Taitz and a lot more like her vibrator

  22. Wile E. Quixote

    Our political system is so goddamned fucked. Seriously, in California you have Oily Taint running against Dianne Feinstein, who's basically Joe Lieberman in drag (and have you ever seen the two of them together before). Any time some total piece of shit piece of civil liberties raping legislation comes down the pike that twat Feinstein is all over it. So you have the choice in California between a candidate who's completely and totally fucking insane and one who's incredibly fucking corrupt and every bit as adept at sucking the last drop of jism out of J-street cocks as any Republican.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Well, I hope you're happy. Any hope you had of getting a cushy job in Dr. Taintz senate office is dead, my friend.

      1. Wile E. Quixote

        Yeah, I was going to go for the dental package, until I found out that it meant that Orly would be working on my teeth.

        1. Dashboard Buddha

          Ummm…Dr. Taitz. That's not how you get to my teeth.

          Shut up, this is how we do in old country.

      2. tessiee

        I'm pretty sure any hope I had of getting a cushy job anywhere is dead, so there's that.

      1. Wile E. Quixote

        I guess that after I build my time machine and on my way back to kill Hitler I should stop in San Francisco, ca 1978, and tell Dan White that it was Feinstein who told Moscone not to reappoint him to the Board of Supervisors.

          1. Wile E. Quixote

            Man, people always bumming my Hitler killing high. I wasn't even going to try for subtlety, instead I was going to fly over the 1934 Nuremburg rally in my time machine and toss a a couple of B41s out the door. Either that or spike all of their beer with massive quantities of Ecstasy and LSD, which would be kind of fun to watch, Nazis tripping on acid.

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      But Boxer is basically OK. And Gerry Brown is a peach.

      Look on the bright side, Grumpy Gus.

    3. V572 Is this him?

      SEN. Dianne Feinstein has resigned from the Military Construction Appropriations subcommittee. As previously and extensively reviewed in these pages, Feinstein was chairperson and ranking member of MILCON for six years, during which time she had a conflict of interest due to her husband Richard C. Blum's ownership of two major defense contractors, who were awarded billions of dollars for military construction projects approved by Feinstein.

      This happened in 2007, according to "metroactive news," a Palo Alto Web site and possibly a newspaper, you can't tell. DiFei's hubby's company is URS Corp, which designs and builds stuff throughout our world-wide military empire. MILCON is one of the sweetest committees to be on, because you get to extract favors in exchange for lavishing federal $$ in various locations with almost no oversight: "And you get a $45 million barracks. And you get a $100M airfield," etc. A friend who worked on congressional staff told me that the meeting where MILCON projects were allocated installation-by-installation was the one and only meeting no staff members were ever allowed to attend. Apparently the horse-trading was so fierce that the principals feared their staff members would lose respect, ha ha.

      Isn't it funny that she could get caught with her hand in the till like that and nothing happened? Maybe I can retract the absentee ballot I sent in today and change it to Orly.

    4. HistoriCat

      Could be worse:
      Sen. John Cornyn
      Sen. Rand Paul
      Sen. James Inhofe
      Sen. Marco Rubio

      Need I go on?

      1. Wile E. Quixote

        "Could be worse" is such an incredibly stupid argument. I mean it's not even an argument as much as it is just stupidly running your mouth. If someone pointed out that the Nazis murdered thousands of people at Dachau and that it was a horrible and awful place would you come back and reply "Could be worse, They killed more at Treblinka, Auschwitz, Bergen/Belsen and Birkenau. Need I go on?" The fact that Marco Rubio, Rand Paul James Cornyn and a whole bunch of other senators are bigger pieces of shit than Dianne Feinstein does nothing to reduce the fact that Dianne Feinstein is a hugely corrupt piece of shit, yeah, she's a pro-choice piece of shit, but that's about the only thing she has going for her. She's the west coast's answer to Joe Lieberman.

      1. starfanglednut

        Radio? This is the second comment in my inbox tonite from people who have combined their user names with someone else's. The other wasFukui-sanRadioBarb. Weird.

        1. Chichikovovich

          Radio and Fukuisan are going through challenging periods, and these are displays of support/solidarity.

          1. Fukui-sanRadioBarb

            As is Barb (or, rather, family of Barb), hence that.

            Still thinking of them and hoping for the best.

  23. Terry

    Good grief, you shouldn't have the ad with the pig with his mouth open next to the video. He could be misconstrued as the narrator.

  24. chascates

    Herman Cain needs to remake this into one of Taitz in her suit of armor being launched out of a trebuchet toward a federal building.

    1. tessiee

      If herman remade this one, Oily would be wearing a much scantier suit of armor, and so would herman.

  25. Exhausted66

    Just because your computer comes with a built in microphone, doesn't mean you have to use it.

        1. tessiee

          Friend from work: Do you sing karaoke?
          Me: No.
          FFW: Awww… why not?
          Me: For humanitarian reasons.

  26. el_donaldo

    I hate to admit it, but if she were to keep wearing that suit of armor, she could probably convince me while in a drunken moment to have sex with her. If I could figure out how.

      1. tessiee

        Rendered even more awesome because it looks EXACTLY like your avatar is saying it, so I heard it in Hedley's voice.

    1. Buckminster

      Can opener? Oh, c'mon Don, just buy a nice can of Spam instead. All of the can opening, none of the stench.

  27. Tundra Grifter

    It comes as a surprise to Dr. Taitz that California doesn't typically vote for both Senators in the same election?

    Sen. Feinstein is going to shocked to learn she has a "global warming agenda." I think she sees herself as being against that.

    Yes, 20th Century Fox attorneys will probably be calling any minute.

    And, finally, it was nice of her Mom to narrate this ad. It was a mistake to sedate her first.

  28. keinsignal

    She's "even had family members die during the Holocaust".

    Grandpa got drunk on schnapps and fell out of a guard tower, I'm guessing.

    1. Buckminster

      Nonsense, it was some sort of farm accident involving a cow or a very enticing sheep.

      1. Designer_Rants

        Grampa Ivan and Uncle Olav were driving down the road when Grampa Ivan stopped the truck and ran out of the vehicle and started railing on a sheep which had somehow managed to get its head stuck in the fence.

        Uncle Olav thought, "That looks like fun!", and so he ran toward the action. When he got to the fence he stripped bare, got down on all-fours, and somehow managed to get his head stuck in the fence.

        1. Buckminster

          Or a Scottish farming story I remember from my Grandfather's day.

          "Hey, McCloud, get offa my ewe."

  29. dadanarchist

    Get this woman an NEA grant stat! She's truly one of our great contemporary performance artists.

  30. Chet Kincaid

    Direct Democracy by tallying up the phone calls of losers who have nothing better to do than scream into their landline handsets at their Senator's Receptionist!!

  31. MissTaken

    Thanks to the fucked up California blanket primary I'm actually seriously considering voting for the hotter, wetter, hornier one.

    1. LetUsBray

      Yeah, after she caved to Cowboy Caligula so many times, I swore I'd never vote for Feinstein again, but I think I'm stuck with her, too.

      1. MissTaken

        I think it's more of a cage match primary where two dozen candidates go in and only two come out. Those two can be of different parties, or the same, who knows. That's what makes it fun!

          1. Halloween Jack

            I think a jungle primary is where I, I been watchin' you, I think I wanna know ya… no, sorry, that's jungle love.

    2. Juan_Oriley

      I voted for Orly! I figure it would be awesome if she came in 2nd and got to be on the general ballot. Think of the ads, they would have to be awesome.

  32. HobbesEvilTwin

    It's nice that Lucianne Goldberg is getting some voiceover work. I've truly missed that mix of Seagrams 7&7/Kent 100s.

  33. JustPixelz

    I'll take your word for everything after 0:01. If someone held a gun to my head I could have lasted longer, but would have been dead at 0:02 one way or another.

  34. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    A practitioner's tip to the wise: Smoking while doing nitrous hits is not recommended. Think Richard Pryor, but for rednecks.

    1. Rotundo_

      I just had this visual of Orly doing the VO with a big hit of nitrous and having the cig hit critical mass and set her hair alight and burn off to a singe-ed blackened fuzz so she looks like a really fucked up baby bird. Sort of like the old Warner Brothers exploding cigar routines ala Bugs Bunny etc. Thanks!!!

      1. tessiee

        "Plaintiff Coyote alleges that the Acme product malfunctioned, leaving him charred, and with one ear bent and making a creaking noise as he walked, and his torso in an accordion shape. This left him unable to practice his usual occupation as Predator." — Acme vs. Coyote

        1. MilwaukeeKent

          Alas, the Acme Co. Defense introduces proof that, 20 frames later, the Plaintiff appears uninjured and, for a coyote, surprisely well-groomed.

  35. Antispandex

    Oily Taints is a D.D.S, but she couldn't get someone to fix her own grill? Oily Taints lost famliy members in the holocaust, but can't find them? Oily Taints is a former communist…QUITTER? Ron Paul for California Senate!!!!11!!

    1. brosephgoebbels

      And also doesn't capitalize Holocaust? Anyone who actually had family die in ze gas chambers would use a capital H.

  36. DustBowlBlues

    That bitch Susan Page just called Obama a rich guy like Mittens. Good for Chrissy for groaning.

    1. Negropolis

      The media coverage of the president since him coming out for same sex marriage has been really, really, exceedingly bad.

      1. Butch_Wagstaff

        I think that move was brilliant on his part. Brings out all the rage-filled crazy even more in the GOP & shows people how nuts the party has become since he was elected.
        And I don't think for the minute Obama made the statement because of any pressure from what Biden said but that's how the media decided to spin it.
        They say this could possibly hurt Obama possibility of reelection. Personally, I think that's bullshit. The polling on the issue is very close but most of those polled don't seem to give a shit if gays had the right to marry.

  37. rickmaci

    She is exhibit A for the tainted mess the Republican Party in California has become. Any doubt why California now is essentially a one party state?

  38. rocktonsam

    I hope Pegginton Nooninshire, doesn't hear about this.

    Does that suit come in crotchless? Glory hole?!!!11!!

  39. Doktor StrangeZoom

    Ultimately, the real victim here is Marcel Duchamp, and I think it's only fair to call on Christopher Walken to resign.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Unfortunately the flowery artichoke somewhere is Andrei Gromyko, and I think it's only contumelious to hooozababy! Fish! to germinate.

      1. Mumbletypeg

        only contumelious

        You just blew my mind. I only discovered that word the other day, while doing a synonym-search for a new adjective to describe Newty's demeanor.. Further blown-mind syndrome advances as I went to retrieve the link of a flirty, buxom Russian philologist who does "word of the day" type crash-lessons in a video series, and for some reason today my workplace is allowing me to load her youtube page [?!]. Here is her take on "contumelious."

      1. Doktor StrangeZoom

        "Snot Otter" is still good, although a recent conversation also added "Rectal Tube," which I think may be superior.

      1. Doktor StrangeZoom

        The awesome thing? He apparently hand-made his readymades–they were not actually products from any commercial plumbing manufacturer.

          1. not that Radio

            I have a signed copy of Questioning the Millenium. I saw him do a book reading in NYC (upper west side, where all the Limousine Liberals live) when it first came out. It was shortly after he had appeared as a guest voice on the Simspons so, naturally, when the time came, because I'm a smart-ass, I complimented him on his fine performance on a cartoon voice-over. All the wealthy dowagers gasped, and he was mortified.

          2. not that Radio

            Easier said than done. When it comes right down to the moment of scamming someone out of her life-savings, I always go chickenshit. I'd make a terrible David Mamet (or Marx Brothers) character.

          3. Doktor StrangeZoom

            I just had a brief vision of a David Mamet remake of Duck Soup, and was overcome by a wave of nausea.

          4. not that Radio

            That is the proper reaction. David Mamet wields the Verfremdungseffekt with such skill, that his audiences have reported several physiological reactions after watching his remakes of classics. For example, Mamet's remake of Carousel was reported to have induced its viewers to drive bamboo spikes into their ears.

            Just as those anime cartoons in the 90s flashed lights at the epilepsy-inducing frequency, Mamet's diaglog is paced exactly at the emetic frequency.

            And that's all I got. I already spent my best Christopher Walken joke yesterday, on the Jamie Dimon thread.

  40. Blueb4sunrise

    So Dana Perino is going to say she is a dictator in waiting because she made a video, right?

    Right?

  41. keinsignal

    This video is exactly the kind of thing Nostradamus was trying to warn us about.

  42. owhatever

    Oily? Is that you in that suit of armor, girl? You approved that message? Are you an earthling?

  43. mrblifil

    Well one place she doesn't spend her hard earned campaign contribution money is on producers, editors, and audio technicians. Or voice over talent. That person couldn't motivate Ted Nugent to jack off to a picture of a kindergarten pajama party.

  44. weejee

    ♪♫ My eyes have seen the horror of the birther Orly Taitz;
    She's a Moldavian molar munchkin with the mind set of a rat;
    She's now candidate for Senate, so whadda think of that?
    Her poop goes splooching on.
    Hoary, Tories! She's a fool, jah!
    Hoary, Tories! What to do, jah?
    Hoary, Tories! Best step to, jah!
    Her poop keeps splooching on ♫♪

  45. criminogenic

    Considering Wonkette was early on board the Wasilla thrilla train of success, I can only hope the Golden staitz rise has a similarly meteoric rise, I need a laugh.

    1. chascates

      And she would then claim those magnets implanted messages from Space Guardians in her mind and now she can't find honest work any more.

  46. Slim_Pickins

    I think we now know the identity of our Soviet sleeper mole. No other explanation makes sense.

  47. Beowoof

    Best I have seen Oily Taint look since she started her campaign to be the biggest doofus in America. My compliments to her stylist and the surgeon who gave her the new boobs.

  48. realitycheck1776

    The video and narration are by Taitz supporter and Birther Tracy Fair of Maryland. She posts as KenyaBornObamacorn on the blogs. The first version had her voice pitch changed to sound like a male voice. I figured it out and posted about it at the Fogbow forum. She then pulled that one and released another version with her actual Simpson sister voice.

  49. tessiee

    Two questions:
    1. Has Oily Taint appropriated that 80s song, "I am the Warrior" as her theme song?
    2. If she really alternated hits off a nitrous tank and a Tareyton, wouldn't the cigarette blow up the gas and leave her a little smudge of greasy ashes?

  50. FakaktaSouth

    I made a "what are the jobs of the President" imovie for (with?) my 7th grader this year that KICKS this thing in the ASS. IN THE ASS. I do want one of those Obama flags though, that thing is a beaut.

  51. fuflans

    hey i need wonkette help please.

    my Original BFF is marrying his long time partner in NY (bryant park) this sat and i need a quote. i'm doing a reading of their choosing (this is because i am An Actor so i can read Outloud) but then! he off-handedly said: 'and if you want to add something that would be great'.

    i am not prepared.

    he will expect shakespeare from me, but i am unconvinced.

    please weigh in my brilliant commentators…

    1. V572 Is this him?

      Here you go.

      When, in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes,
      I all alone beweep my outcast state
      And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries
      And look upon myself and curse my fate,
      Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,
      Featured like him, like him with friends possess'd,
      Desiring this man's art and that man's scope,
      With what I most enjoy contented least;
      Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising,
      Haply I think on thee, and then my state,
      Like to the lark at break of day arising
      From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate;
      For thy sweet love remember'd such wealth brings
      That then I scorn to change my state with kings.

      The majesty of that last line, ten words in iambic pentameter that hit home like hammer blows.

      That's number 29. The 'speare did hundreds of these damn things, each one more astonishing than the last. John Donne's "A Valediction Forbidding Mourning" is wonderful too, but a bit too long for people to follow.

      1. fuflans

        this is a good one. i was / am considering it. but! i think it might almost be too romantic for what they seem to be saying. they've been together for like 17 years and are slightly more restrained in their public readings.

        but it's tots on my short list.

        thank you!

    2. Chichikovovich

      What is he/they like? There's standard, familiar stuff like Shakespeare's Sonnet 116. ("Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments…") which is a little clichéd, but maybe they will find it reassuring. Some people are comforted by the old standbys at such a time. (It's also gender-neutral if this is a gay wedding.)

      If it's a more avant-garde group (including the parents, if any are attending) you might try Michael Ontdaaje's The Cinammon Peeler. Beautiful language, and a compelling motif of embracing your lover and becoming permeated with him/her. (Her, in this case – it is explicitly to a woman.) But it is kind of racy for most crowds, and maybe a little stranger than you want.

      What kind of thing are you looking for?

      1. fuflans

        no 116 is too, well, you know…

        they are gay but we are actors (and are far more liberal). i do mostly shakespeare (which is why they expect shakespeare – but nothing is really popping).

        i was thinking a a milne or henry vaughan or yeats or ts eliot, but they have a fairly dense anne morrow lindbergh piece (which i'm reading) and i don't want to undercut.

        i am baffled.

        1. Chichikovovich

          OK – I'll sleep on't and if anything comes to me I'll pass it on. Yeats is always good. You might also rummage around the metaphysical poets – they have some good stuff and it will have that old-fashioned feel if no Shakespeare suggests itself.

        2. Chichikovovich

          Here are a couple thoughts after sleeping it over. Maybe one of them will work for you.

          Robert Frost's The Silken Tent is subtle and seductive; if you read this one you might want to change the opening "she" to "he". There is also the line in the middle about a cedar pole that will get unintended chuckles, so this might have to be delivered with an understated wry ironic intonation.

          Elizabeth Barrett Browning's
          Sonnets from the Portuguese are addressed to a man, so you won't have the problem of finessing inconveniently gendered language, and many of them are really fine. You might want to skim through to see if anything grabs you. XXII, for example, could work, though the "erect and strong" opening may draw chuckles.

          If you are looking for someone less well-known, you might try Gwendolyn MacEwen, a poet well-known in Canada but not elsewhere. A seductive, otherworldly sensibility, enchanting language, a fascinating combination of hard-headed focus and fragility. I couldn't find any of her love poetry online, unfortunately, so you'd need to get the two-volume collection (edited by Margaret Atwood and Barry Callaghan) The Poetry of Gwendolyn MacEwen: x where x = "The Early Years (Volume I)" and "The Later Years (Volume 2)" out of the library. I expect the NY Public Library has it, if you are rummaging there. Here's an example of her voice, though it's not a wedding-type poem.
          http://www.library.utoronto.ca/canpoetry/macewen/

          I'll keep ruminating over the day and pass on anything that may come to me.

          1. fuflans

            oh chicki these are AWESOME.

            i really like the Gwendolyn MacEwen. i don't know her but i do LOVE her voice. also, this will help me celebrate becoming a canadian…

            thank you so much.

          2. Chichikovovich

            Glad to help, and glad you like MacEwen. I first read her in Grade 10 English and I've been in love with her writing ever since.

            You're becoming a Canadian? How cool. When it happens you'll find that you are much smarter and nicer, but also inclined to a certain (usually unfounded) moral self-satisfaction, especially vis-a-vis the U.S.

            Is this in connection with a move up north, to work at the Stratford Festival or something like that?

          3. fuflans

            HA! i WISH i could get up to stratford. alas, i am neither young enough for their 'young company' (which actually recruits here in chicago) or famous enough for the regular company.

            i have to be content with our annual family reunion in stratford where we drink too much, eat too much, shop too much and occasionally see a play.

            no, my mom's canadian (montreal and hamilton) and you all changed your citizenship rules a few years back to net some of us scions of expat parents.

            so my misspent youth was devoted to mercilessly mocking canadian niceness and i was duly rewarded by having to beg for my mom's birf cert so i could (possibly) get away from the wingtards in my land of birth.

            but delighted to find macewen…

    3. C_R_Eature

      Well, let's see…

      e.e.cummings I carry your heart.

      Shakspeare's Love Sonnet 116:
      Let me not to the marriage of true minds
      Admit impediments; love is not love
      Which alters when it alteration finds,
      Or bends with the remover to remove:
      O, no, it is an ever-fixèd mark,
      That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
      It is the star to every wand'ring bark,
      Whose worth's unknown, although his heighth be taken.
      Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
      Within his bending sickle's compass come;
      Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
      But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
      If this be error and upon me proved,
      I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

      There's Yeats, which is nice.

      Here's W. H. Auden's Four Quartets, which should have something

      I really like Dave Carter and Tracey Grammer's Tanglewood Tree.

      Carl Sandberg.

      1. Doktor StrangeZoom

        I'm partial to the cummings, because I am just such a total sucker for cummings anyway.

        And for the 2nd anniversary, WC Williams' "This is Just to Say" is always a good choice.

          1. C_R_Eature

            Thank you, that was wonderful and immediately reminded me of This:

            It was, nevertheless, a splendid party, decided Frito, as he dodged a flying hamhock. Great pits had been dug simply to accommodate the mountains of scorched flesh the guests threw down their well-muscled throats, and his Uncle Dildo had devised an ingenious series of pipelines to gravity-flow the hundreds of gallons of heady ale into their limitless paunches. Moodily, Frito studied his fellow boggies as they noisily crammed their maws with potato greens and jammed stray bits of greasy flesh into their jackets and coin-purses "for later." Occasionally an overly zealous diner would fall unconscious to the ground, much to the amusement of his fellows, who would take the opportunity to pelt him with garbage. Garbage, that is, that they weren't stowing away "for later."

            Now "Gluttonous fool of a Took!" is my new favorite go-to catchphrase.

          2. Doktor StrangeZoom

            The whole thread is a hoot, but I was particularly impressed by #47:

            John Scalzi:
            I did two things on my seventy-fifth birthday. I ate the plums in the icebox you were probably saving for breakfast. And then I joined the Army.

            (Yes, it's the actual guy posting there)

          3. C_R_Eature

            John Scalzi! Didn't get that far -I stopped at #44 The Second Foundation take off just had me in stitches.
            That whole thing is tremendously fun. Just who are those people, anyway?

          4. Doktor StrangeZoom

            The blog is run mostly by Patrick and Teresa Nielsen-Hayden, who are a couple of the top editors at Tor Press, the big Science Fiction publishers, with a number of other regular posters, too. I like them very muchly, although they do not brook the sort of freewheeling assholery one finds on Wonkette.

          5. C_R_Eature

            Duly Bookmarked and many thanks! I've had many fine hours with Tor books.

            Good that it's moderated closely, too. There's plenty of assholery, freewheeling and otherwise, everywhere else.

          6. Doktor StrangeZoom

            Teresa Nielsen Hayden (I see it isn't hyphenated) is also credited with the popularization of dealing with trolls by disemvowelling, which I find nerdily awesome.

          7. C_R_Eature

            I always loved that sort of thing and, now I know where it originated it's doubly awesome. Thanks!

            Did you see that Scalsi's got a new book out about Redshirts?

            I must have this.

    4. Blueb4sunrise

      Sex and drugs and rock and roll
      Sex and drugs and rock and roll
      Sex and drugs and rock and roll
      Sex and drugs and rock and roll
      Sex and drugs and rock and roll
      Sex and drugs and rock and roll
      Sex and drugs and rock and roll
      Sex and drugs and rock and roll

      –Ian Dury and Chas Jankel

        1. radio-of-owls

          For "click, click, click" you could substitute, "dick, dick, dick." You know, make it classy.

          1. C_R_Eature

            Ok, now…

            Steve Allen used to do Dramatic Readings for Rock & Roll lyrics onstage, I'm imagining him reading "Spasticus Autisticus" in front of a flowery June wedding and now I can't stop laughing.

            Thanks.

    5. thatsitfortheother1

      Someone's got it in for me, they're planting stories in the press
      Whoever it is I wish they'd cut it out quick but when they will I can only guess
      They say I shot a man named Gray and took his wife to Italy
      She inherited a million bucks and when she died it came to me
      I can't help it if I'm lucky.

      On second thought…

  52. Negropolis

    Feinstein is a pretty shitty senator on a whole host of issues…and Orly Taitz has absolutely no leg to stand on in criticizing her.

  53. Buckminster

    And she is new and improved with less gooder grammar, for the sake of the children. God. I am so sick of these idiots.

  54. Negropolis

    This would have been so much funnier if she'd narrated this, herself.

    Mescaline is a helluva drug.

    1. not that Radio

      What'd you say?
      Hmm?
      What?
      I didn't say anything.
      When? Right now?
      I'm sorry. Don't listen to me. I'm on mescaline, and I've been spaced out all day.
      Did you say you're on mescaline?
      I did, indeed. Very much so.

  55. Negropolis

    Full Metal Straight Jacket.

    Moldova must be punished for this. I don't know how, but it needs to be even more than the punishment of simply being Moldova.

  56. C_R_Eature

    I'd like to replace her videos soundtrack with This.
    Don't you wish you never met her? Don't you wish?

    She's not Bad…

  57. Butch_Wagstaff

    I'm willing to bet that she has a manuscript for her 900-page manifesto in a drawer somewhere.
    After she loses, she may be reduced to handing out xeroxed copies of it to strangers on the street.

    1. thatsitfortheother1

      All work and no play make Orly a dull girl.
      All work and no play make Orly a dull girl.
      All work and no play make Orly a dull girl.
      All work and no play make Orly a dull girl.
      All work and no play make Orly a dull girl.
      All work and no play make Orly a dull girl.

  58. Troglodeity

    I will bet there's a very embarrassing original source for that suit of armor with the spectacular breastplate.

    We demand to see the ORIGINAL (long-form) Photoshop source images!

  59. Troglodeity

    Why does that San Joaquin River Act image have me thinking of Orly's wrinkled old Taint?

  60. Steverino247

    Yup. Nuts. I wonder how many votes she will get just for laughs.

    Don't forget what happened to Putney Swope. If Taitz wins because of this stupid primary beast that Steve Peace stuck us with, I'm going to crush his balls. I've known him since high school. He was an asshole then and he's an asshole now.

  61. Jukesgrrl

    Hey Wonketteers, OT but interesting.

    Nebraska's primary was today. Interesting thing is the GOP Senate primary (Bob Kerrey won the Dem one with more than 80% of the vote). Republicans had a whole passel of candidates to choose from, among them Attorney General Jon Bruning, the long-time front runner recently endorsed by Santorum; state Treasurer Don Stenberg, backed by Paul and the Club for Growth; and state Sen. Deb Fischer, previously a nobody who was sent to Lincoln to represent the Tea Party fairly recently. She's been trailing all through the polling, until … TA DA … Sarah Palin and the erstwhile First Dood rode into town like Paul Revere (the one who shoots guns, not the real one).

    Guess whose now leading? With almost all votes counted, Fischer has 41% with the AG trailing with 35%, and the Club for Growth guy a pathetic also ran (I guess they don't know what CFG is in Nebraska). Lou Sarah and Tawd both recorded robo calls for their Little Debbie, praising her "conservative principles." Apparently the conservative principles of Stenberg were not communicated to the God-fearing voters at all because the $2.1 million spent by Jim DeMint's Senate Conservatives Fund and FreedomWorks for America didn't do him any good.

    TD Ameritrade founder and Chicago Cubs owner Joe Ricketts also inserted himself in the race throwing in $200,000 at the last minute, half of which he spent on ads criticizing Bruning and the other half on ads praising Fischer. Her campaign spent a mere $150,000 on ads, so it's pretty obvious that the Palins' last-minute robo calls carried the day for her.

    There's no way in hell I'm reading the Snowbilly's Tweets, so I don't know how loudly she's crowing, but I expect her to take full credit for the fact that HER CANDIDATE is the Republican Senate nominee in Nebraska. WHY does Caribou Barbie hate the Club for Growth??? I await an explanation from Greta Van Susteren.

    The prez election was totally as expected. A few yahoos still were not voting for the GOP's already-chosen leader and Santorum led that pack. Of course that cute guy with no birf certificate won 100% of the Dem vote. Bob Kerrey got the Democratic nod for Senate with more than 80% of that vote. But he better gird his loins because now he's going up against Wasilla's Finest, who apparently define who is a "real" conservative in the Midwest.

    1. DerrickWildcat

      This was rather surprising and really opens the door for Bob Kerrey. While the Republicans have been slinging mud at each other, Kerrey has a very interesting strategy. He's now the voice of bi-partisanship and moderation. His ads have been basically, "Republicans have good ideas and Democrats have good ideas. Let's get together and figure out which works best for all. "
      Nebraska is generally Red, (Obama won Lincoln and Omaha) but not insane Christian Warrior Leave me Aloners Red. There is a major and unsettling population shift from rural to urban. Within the next 10-20 years I think Nebraska may be a battleground state.

    2. Negropolis

      No mas "Welfare Racoon" guy? Now where will I get my Nebraska entertainment from? That smug, beady-eyed bastard was my last hope.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        Oh, think about Christine O'Donnell and Sharron Angle.Or pair this woman up with the Demon Sheep ad agency and you're in for tons of fun.On second thought, the downside is you-know-who will no-doubt insert herself in the general, too.Palin vs. Kerrey, very scary.

      2. dadanarchist

        "Now where will I get my Nebraska entertainment from? That smug, beady-eyed bastard was my last hope."

        You'll just have to listen to Conor Oberst like the rest of us hipster pussies.

  62. barto

    "A better California awaits, if our support is with Dr. Taitz"

    Eh, doesn't that mean…?

  63. M. Bouffant

    Got my vote-by-mail ballot a few days ago, & ORLY TAITZ Doctor/Attorney/Businesswoman (No shit, that's how she's listed.) was the first oval (Number 83) I filled in. Fingers crossed.

  64. Isyaignert

    Who the fuk was narrating that POS commercial? It sounds like they were either/or: drunk/just woke up from a drunken stupor/disinterested/being paid $20 to do this stupid gig.

    1. Fukui-sanRadioBarb

      Are you knocking my voice work? Not that I'd deny any of those charges.

  65. thatsitfortheother1

    Necessity IS the mother of invention. This is why they developed the long bow.

  66. Equality_Joe

    Y'all mock, but if she didn't write this entire ad in Powerpoint, then she wouldn't have been able to afford to have that CGI 20th-Century-Fox splash with her name swapped in. And without that, what would she have to campaign on?

  67. FNMA

    Given the description of her, I'd be concerned that the crotch of that suit doesn't have enough rust-proofing.

  68. Negropolis

    She's like Joan of Arc, but without the accomplishment, and up to this point, without the grisly death.

  69. elburritodeluxe

    100 unfiltered cigarettes, more like it! Is that Orly narrating it? I Or did they hire Ed Asner?

  70. James Michael Curley

    "Oh, scared, huh? Afraid, huh? Hah!
    How long can you stay fresh in that can?
    Come on, get up and fight, you shivering junk yard!"

  71. randcoolcatdaddy

    I won't pile on with another snarky comment. I really don't like to make fun of those mumbling homeless people I see wandering around the streets.

  72. HelmutNewton

    I love how the voiceover sounds like it was recorded from a pay phone in Bayonne, NJ circa 1974.

  73. missannthropethefirst

    Good fucking god. Oily Taintz doesn't even realize that if she wants to change laws in California, such as the state tax, running at the federal level won't do it. Let her run at the state level and get trounced by some accountant. The woman is psychotic.

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