GROSS TRIAL OF THE CENTURY  9:09 am May 15, 2012

Edwards Wanted To Be Supreme Court Justice, Was Insulted By Rich Dowager

by Josh Fruhlinger

John Roberts would not accept any competition for the Handsomest Justice titleYou know what the difference is between America’s elite, the 1 percenters and the fast-rising politicians, and slobs like you? Planning. Like, you, for instance, have no plans for the day, and are trying to relieve the ennui by reading a blog about dick jokes and politics, and maybe later you’ll try masturbating or something, and then after that you’ll probably cry spontaneously, in public, which will be embarrassing, because you didn’t plan some solitary cry-time. But John Edwards! John Edwards had it all planned out! First he was going to be president, then vice president, then president again — we all knew that! But fun under-oath testimony this week revealed that then he planned to be vice president again, and when that didn’t work out, decided he’d be Attorney General for a bit and then move on over to the Supreme Court, where he’d have a cool job for life. And it all would have worked if his crazy slut of a mistress had only planned to not have his child! (Oh, he also called his mistress a “crazy slut,” by the way).

Talking Post Memo was nice (masochistic?) enough to come up with a master list of all the fun facts that came out during Edwards’s trial this week, but definitely the best one was Handsome Johnny’s delusions of being a party power broker, and also that he would be going to strip clubs with Clarence Thomas some day, when they worked together.

Campaign adviser Leo Hindery testified that after it became clear that Edwards would not win the 2008 presidential nomination, the candidate asked him to contact Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton to ‘make clear his availability on the ticket.’

Edwards would trade his endorsement to be one of their running mates.

The idea went over like a lead balloon, but Edwards still clung to his delusions of grandeur. ‘If he couldn’t be vice president,’ Hindery said Edwards believed ‘he could be attorney general.’

That would just be a stepping stone, however. ‘We talked about a more elaborate long-term goal of Mr. Edwards, which was to be a Supreme Court justice,’ Hindery said.

Sure, that seems like a thing that would have totally happened! All thanks to planning. See, when you’re the sort of person who makes these long-term strategic plans, it can be sometimes difficult to focus on your immediate problems. Like, Edwards was probably so focused on visualizing how America in 2050 would look back on his amazing political career and view him as a new generation of Founding Father that he totally forgot that it would be a bad idea to cheat on his wildly popular cancer-stricken wife and that maybe he should take some birth control measures if he did.

The sickest burn of the trial so far came from centenarian socialite Bunny Mellon, who was writing six-digit checks for the care and feeding of Rielle Hunter, with the money funneled through Bryan Huffman, an amiable Charlotte interior designer whom Bunny liked to chat with on the phone.

On Friday [Huffman] testified about how Mellon reacted after learning some of her money had gone to the cover up. He said Mellon was not one to judge someone for having an extramarital affair. Her relationship with her first husband overlapped with that of her second.

But, Huffman said, Mellon had an opinion about how her money was spent.

“She thought maybe you should probably pay for your girlfriend yourself,” Huffman replied.

Anyway, John Edwards will hopefully go to jail soon and then nobody will have to think about him again, the end. [TPM/NYDN/USAT]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 202 comments }

johnnyzhivago May 15, 2012 at 9:12 am

Is this what Edwards was referring to when he talked about "two Americas"?

actor212 May 15, 2012 at 9:57 am

I think he was referring to a pair of nice fun bags, but that could just be a rumour.

"There's East America, and West America, and I wanna live in the valley"

sullivanst May 15, 2012 at 10:36 am

"Brrpbrrpbrrpbrrrpbrrrp"

ttommyunger May 15, 2012 at 9:13 am

"Supreme Cunt", maybe.

tessiee May 15, 2012 at 11:24 am

Meh, I don't see that he's a *worse* scumbag than Uncle Clarence, not that that's saying much.
At least the sex Johnny had was consensual.

sullivanst May 15, 2012 at 11:42 am

At least Clarence paid attention to Proverbs 17:28. No way Edwards would have the decency to keep his smarmy-ass oh-so-punchable mouth shut.

ttommyunger May 15, 2012 at 10:56 pm

He is a Gingrich Class Scumbag. That's about as low as one can go and still walk upright.

tessiee May 15, 2012 at 11:13 pm

The only good thing about Clarence Thomas existing in the world is that, when the whole Coke Can thing happened, I imagined any of my girl cousins coming home with that story from work:
Girl Cousin: God, like my boss is so totally gross! You know what he said today? That there was a pubic hair on his soda can!
All: EWWWWWWW!!
Uncle Garlic [stares for a moment, then]: Save the rest of my gabbagool for me, Sweetheart. Daddy has to go… [pause, thinks] to Jimmy's… [pause, thinks] to buy cigars. Yeah, that's the ticket. I'm almost out of cigars.
*Uncle Garlic returns five hours later*
Two or three days later, Clarence would "disappear" while Uncle Garlic was in the middle of a gathering of at least fifty people, eating gabbagool.

boobookitteh May 15, 2012 at 9:15 am

he totally forgot that it would be a bad idea to cheat on his wildly popular cancer-stricken wife and that maybe he should take some birth control measures if he did.

And not film it, also, too.

Texan_Bulldog May 15, 2012 at 9:18 am

And not let Lisa Druck give interviews where she basically says Elizabeth was a bitch & deserved what she got. Kind of makes people hope a piano falls on little Lisa's head.

tessiee May 15, 2012 at 11:31 am

"Also too" is just one of the many reasons I love this site and you guys.

fuflans May 15, 2012 at 3:26 pm

i forgot about that.

gross.

sullivanst May 15, 2012 at 9:16 am

Bullet so totally dodged there. Holy shit what a man-whore.

MrFizzy May 15, 2012 at 9:20 am

Too bad – he would surely have eclipsed Clarence Thomas in terms of ethics and penetrating insights.

slithytoves May 15, 2012 at 9:20 am

You know what the difference is between America’s elite, the 1 percenters and the fast-rising politicians, and slobs like you? Planning.

Hey – how is my buying booze for the weekend on a Monday night not planning?

Designer_Rants May 15, 2012 at 9:59 am

Did you PLAN to drink all your weekend booze on the car ride home from the liquor store? Didn't think so.

Chichikovovich May 15, 2012 at 10:01 am

Because you know it'll be gone by Wednesday?

sullivanst May 15, 2012 at 10:37 am

You have a point: bad planning is still planning.

savethispatient May 15, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Buying liquor is only a plan if you're also buying ammo. FACT.

CivicHoliday May 15, 2012 at 9:21 am

Electability FAIL

Baconzgood May 15, 2012 at 9:22 am

"you, for instance, have no plans for the day, and are trying to relieve the ennui by reading a blog about dick jokes and politics, and maybe later you’ll try masturbating or something, and then after that you’ll probably cry spontaneously, in public, which will be embarrassing,"

Stop judging me. Besides I did make plans today. That box of wine isn't going to drink itself by 2PM.

Steverino247 May 15, 2012 at 9:23 am

He also violated Ryan's Law: "Never fuck anybody crazier than you are."

actor212 May 15, 2012 at 9:58 am

No wonder I don't get much anymore!

tessiee May 15, 2012 at 11:26 am

Because you're not crazy enough?

Chichikovovich May 15, 2012 at 10:02 am

And who has far, far, far less to lose.

BerkeleyBear May 15, 2012 at 11:12 am

Or has nasty gossipy co-workers with axes to grind. In other words, don't fucking cheat unless you plan on getting your ass caught and/or can afford a) a divorce b) a really top notch "problem solver" (warning – illegal in all 50 states) or c) a nearly unlimited line of credit at Whore Diamonds B Us.

tessiee May 15, 2012 at 11:33 am

"b) a really top notch "problem solver" (warning – illegal in all 50 states)"

Mr. Burns: did you bring the poison donuts?
Smithers: No, I consulted with our lawyers, Sir, and they said that would be considered murder.
Mr. Burns: Damn their oily hides!!

teebob2000 May 15, 2012 at 11:11 am

We'll remember that, Ryan.

bagofmice May 15, 2012 at 11:25 am

I have one number to describe the -2 the ordinal position in a base 9 arithmetic.

tessiee May 15, 2012 at 11:27 am

I don't know whose law this is, but there's also, "Don't let your ass run away with your head", i.e., don't let your sex drive overpower your common sense.

James Michael Curley May 15, 2012 at 9:25 am

Ah! Johnny we hardly knew ye. Now STFU and GTJ!

weejee May 15, 2012 at 9:28 am

Handsome Johnny’s delusions

'Zactly. He'll still be making grand plans when the gallows trapdoor springs.

Doktor StrangeZoom May 15, 2012 at 9:30 am

I'm pretty sure that non-wealthy dowagers are just old ladies.

tessiee May 15, 2012 at 11:28 am

they also don't go around looking at stuff with the tiny opera glasses on a stick, like the wealthy dowagers do all day.

Doktor StrangeZoom May 15, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Anyone NOT currently picturing Margaret Dumont in their head is just plain culturally illiterate.

tessiee May 15, 2012 at 12:17 pm

One of my favorite things about any Marx Brothers movie is watching Groucho come on to Margaret Dumont, and then watching *her* try not to crack up.

Maman May 15, 2012 at 9:30 am

"You should probably pay for your girlfriend yourself”

Did she get that idea from "Affairs for Dummies"?

sullivanst May 15, 2012 at 10:29 am

Apparently she should've sent Johnny-boy a copy.

Doktor StrangeZoom May 15, 2012 at 9:32 am

Ultimately, the real victim here is Sarah Palin, and I think it's only fair to call on President Obama to resign.

Come here a minute May 15, 2012 at 9:40 am

Perfect for any occasion! It slices, dices, makes julienne fries, makes a great Christmas gift.

V572 Is this him? May 15, 2012 at 10:03 am

What the tabloid readers really care about is the economy and how to get rid of job-killing Obamacare…

No, wait, what they really care about is how much pussy John Edwards is getting, and who's paying for it.

No wait, that's the United States Department of Justice. Easy to mix them up with the others.

Doktor StrangeZoom May 15, 2012 at 10:24 am

I don't think anyone really cares how much pussy the DOJ is getting.

Secret Service is in Treasury, anyway.

V572 Is this him? May 15, 2012 at 10:33 am

Right, but they seem to care a lot about how much Edwards was getting.

James Michael Curley May 15, 2012 at 11:02 am

Dubya moved Secret Service over to the Department of Homeland Security in aught 5 or somethin.

HistoriCat May 15, 2012 at 11:33 am

Which is why Lieberdouche was on my radio yesterday morning, whining about the Secret Service in Colombia.

Texan_Bulldog May 15, 2012 at 9:33 am

Just took cheating on your cancer-stricken wife to go from the son of a mill worker to a son of a bitch (him, Newt & Walnuts should form some kind of club).

chicken_thief May 15, 2012 at 10:18 am

And they could add the Herminator as the token blah.

rickmaci May 15, 2012 at 10:38 am

And they could add former Gov. Terminator.

Come here a minute May 15, 2012 at 9:37 am

Yeah, Johnny, I don't think a lifetime appointment is really in the cards when you get bored and quit after one Senate term with nothing lined up.

Designer_Rants May 15, 2012 at 10:02 am

Ambitious little shit.

BerkeleyBear May 15, 2012 at 11:15 am

Yep, heckuva plan there. Especially when you pole vaulted the party establishment in your state to the Senate and your prior career was glorified ambulance chaser, so you've got no network to fall back on and lick your wounds to plan a second act if "Political Rock Star" doesn't work out quite the way you hope.

BigSkullF*ckingDog May 15, 2012 at 9:40 am

I don't know what you are talking about. My plan to die alone and penniless is going along swimmingly.

tessiee May 15, 2012 at 11:36 am

I'm borrowing here, but somebody once said that when he hears that someone else died broke, why is that bad? It's either perfect planning or perfect timing.

Steverino247 May 15, 2012 at 9:40 am

I guess he really was a personal injury lawyer then, wasn't he?

sullivanst May 15, 2012 at 10:30 am

Can you sue yourself for a self-inflicted GSW to the foot?

BaldarTFlagass May 15, 2012 at 9:41 am

Crazy sluts are the best kind.

Beowoof May 15, 2012 at 9:56 am

Until the inevitable breakup then the crazy seems to go on for a long period afterwards.

Not_So_Much May 15, 2012 at 10:08 am

Yes, but one does go through the rabbit supply in a hurry.

FNMA May 15, 2012 at 10:19 am

Hell yes, right up to the point where you wake up one morning and your car's on fire.

BaldarTFlagass May 15, 2012 at 10:37 am

…and you're locked in the trunk.

BerkeleyBear May 15, 2012 at 11:17 am

And you are surrounded by all your worldly possessions.

smitallica May 15, 2012 at 9:42 am

Is anyone else thinking that maybe the Kerry/Edwards ticket losing in '04 was a gigantic bullet-dodge for those of us who actually want progressives to be taken seriously?

BaldarTFlagass May 15, 2012 at 9:49 am

Bullet, hell. More like dodging the extinction-event asteroid.

James Michael Curley May 15, 2012 at 9:52 am

Kerry has the demeanor of the old fashioned cigar store Indian. But there have been very few Presidents or candidates in the last century who walked into the jungle to kill a man. I kind of think if Edwards had been caught doing what he did as Kerry's Veep, he would have been smacked so hard his 'other America' would have felt it.

V572 Is this him? May 15, 2012 at 10:04 am

Didn't Panamanian strongman Juan McCain pretty much finish off the idea that war hero = great politician/leader/president? I mean, however much of that sentiment was left after the Grant administration. Yes, yes, JFK…

The real lesson is that you can do whatever you want so long as you win. If not, watch out!

James Michael Curley May 15, 2012 at 10:32 am

That argument certainly has validity. But one should also consider Richard Nixon who was Roosevelt’s Tire Czar during the first years of WWII but enlisted, went to OCS, was shipped to the Pacific where he never came within hundreds of miles of the combat. His career can best be described as a flaccid version o the somewhat fictional career of Mr. Roberts. Yet, when the California Republicans chose him to run against John Vohees he campaigned frequently in his naval uniform as his discharge was not final after he ‘retired’ from active duty until his full term of service was up. Naturally, getting elected to Congress in 1946 changed the likelihood he would have been called up and he never explained how he was part of the massive stand down which went into effect on 12/31/1946. As a result of that ‘stand down’ Congress (while guess who was a member – also LBJ) passed a bill which provided special reserve status for many officers who ‘continue to provide civilian service to the country’. Nixon collected a military service pension until the day he died (I guess as he was still collecting it in 1979 when he lived in Montvale, NJ).

V572 Is this him? May 15, 2012 at 10:54 am

A lot of heroic, medal-garnering behavior begins to look ambiguous when sufficiently swift-boated. JFK’s heroism has been questioned as well. Maybe only throwing yourself on the hand grenade to save the rest of your platoon is definitive enough to be unassailable.

The average service member (something no one we’re talking about here ever was) has little control over where he or she is deployed, although volunteering for the combat zone is usually looked on with favor by the deciders; it was in my case, anyway. The big distinction in my mind is between those enter the service at all and those who don’t. GW Bush found a safe and cushy compromise in the undeployable Texas Air Guard, but all the Cheneys and Wolfowitzen and other neocons are certain their precious asses were too valuable to risk even in a desk job.

In Nixon’s defense (an expression I never thought I’d use) at the time he was running, with anti-communist zeal and WWII triumphalism both running high, military service of some sort or other was probably a minimum requirement for any male office-seeker.

Chet Kincaid May 15, 2012 at 10:30 am

I don't. We don't know what kind of President Kerry would have been, and John Edwards has fuck-all to do with Kerry's character; and we don't know if Edwards would have stayed out of fuck-trouble under the scrutiny of the Vice Presidency.

sullivanst May 15, 2012 at 10:57 am

If he couldn't stay out of fuck-trouble under the scrutiny of a Presidential campaign, the scrutiny of the Vice Presidency would be no match for his fucklust.

Chet Kincaid May 15, 2012 at 11:02 am

I think the daily life of a Vice President is a lot more scrutinized than that of a Presidential candidate who hasn't won a primary.

sullivanst May 15, 2012 at 11:24 am

What's Joe Biden doing right now?

Also, didn't the last VP spend pretty much all of his 8 years in an undisclosed location?

smitallica May 16, 2012 at 10:00 am

Fucklust. Heh.

Lucidamente1 May 15, 2012 at 9:43 am

"Bunny Mellons" would be an awesome porn star name.

actor212 May 15, 2012 at 9:59 am

Relevant (Furries beware!)

fartknocker May 15, 2012 at 10:05 am

Or Pebbles Wadsworth. Earlier in my life, I had a brief period of affection for two sisters who were strippers with the stage names of "Brandi" and "Thumper."

BaldarTFlagass May 15, 2012 at 9:45 am

An Edwards presidency would have made the Clinton presidency seem tame, sober and celibate.

tessiee May 15, 2012 at 11:42 am

Friday night: Bill and Monica have sexytime, then run downstairs naked, giggling, and eat all the food in the refrigerator.
Saturday night: Bill and Hillary have sexytime, then run downstairs naked, giggling, and eat all the food in the refrigerator.
Life is good.

randcoolcatdaddy May 15, 2012 at 9:47 am

North Carolina – it's all about sex and planning down here.

OneYieldRegular May 15, 2012 at 9:56 am

And just think of how close North Carolina came to having traditional marriage defiled. Whew!

Douché May 15, 2012 at 9:48 am

I too want to be a supreme court judge. I've put a few pubic hairs in some of my co-workers Coca Colas, so I'm well on my way.

Designer_Rants May 15, 2012 at 10:04 am

Hahaha! Excellent planning.

Chet Kincaid May 15, 2012 at 9:49 am

Pretty Boy reeks of Blago. The odor is not pleasant.

BerkeleyBear May 15, 2012 at 11:44 am

Somehow I knew a Chicagoan could go there. Edwards' Supreme Court aspirations sound about as sensible as Blago's whole "I can be HHS secretary, right?" plan. Which was still not as crazy as his "have your union leaders create a 504 for me with millions of dollars in donations and a super high salary for the director, then put my real estate agent wife in there as a placeholder for a couple years before I parachute in when my term is up" plan.

Chet Kincaid May 15, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Is it a crime to have aspirations?! To imagine the life you want for yourself?!

Beetagger May 15, 2012 at 6:11 pm

Will you be my black friend?

ifthethunderdontgetya May 15, 2012 at 9:50 am

There's a long list of people who need to go to jail before you get to John Edwards.
~

Beowoof May 15, 2012 at 9:55 am

Oh wow are the some that I think need to be in jail, who caused real harm to the country as whole and to thousands of individuals. I am looking at you W and your president, Lord Darth Cheney.

actor212 May 15, 2012 at 10:01 am
starfanglednut May 15, 2012 at 10:08 am

Now if we could just trick W, Cheney, Rummy, and my personal favorite, John Yoo, to vacation in Kuala Lumpur.

not that Radio May 15, 2012 at 10:11 am

Just send them a memo to the effect that the Petronas Towers are at risk of being destroyed by a terrorist mastermind. Oh, wait. That won't work.

Wile E. Quixote May 15, 2012 at 10:45 am

You imprison the assholes you have, not the assholes you want.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ May 15, 2012 at 9:51 am

Like, you, for instance, have no plans for the day, and are trying to relieve the ennui by reading a blog about dick jokes and politics, and maybe later you’ll try masturbating or something

God damn you, Josh. You couldn't have been more right about my life.

SorosBot May 15, 2012 at 9:54 am

No, he was describing my plans for the say. Well except for the part about maybe later masturbating; I've already taken care of that.

actor212 May 15, 2012 at 10:00 am

Once is not enough.

Indeed, my Filofax shows I've got some free time….right…..now. Be in my bunk!

starfanglednut May 15, 2012 at 10:09 am

actor, you are always running off to your bunk. It's one of the things I love about you.

actor212 May 15, 2012 at 10:12 am

I'll reply to this as soon as I get some feeling back in my fingers…

Designer_Rants May 15, 2012 at 10:06 am

Josh just described what sounds to me like an awesome day. Instead, I'm reading about dick jokes at work, where I'm told I cannot masturbate.

not that Radio May 15, 2012 at 10:08 am

Better to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.

Designer_Rants May 15, 2012 at 10:13 am

Hm, they're a little uptight here. It's not like the city bus.

not that Radio May 15, 2012 at 10:17 am

"I'm sorry. Was that wrong? Should I not have done that?"

FNMA May 15, 2012 at 10:22 am

Yeah, thank you bin Laden!

actor212 May 15, 2012 at 10:20 am

Problem with work masturbation is that it violates any number of sexual harassment statutes, and so you don't even get the chance to ask forgiveness. Take it from someone who's been there: better to have a bunk.

Chet Kincaid May 15, 2012 at 11:08 am

Try undersharing.

BaldarTFlagass May 15, 2012 at 10:14 am

That's always been the milestone for me, i.e. I know I am comfortable at a new work location, when I can go rub one out in the handicapped stall.

Designer_Rants May 15, 2012 at 10:46 am

And I know I'm right at home if I can autoerotically asphyxiate via my belt on the toilet stall's coat hook during my morning break.

V572 Is this him? May 15, 2012 at 11:05 am

Don't leave that Webcam running if you don't want to be called out.

mrpuma2u May 15, 2012 at 9:51 am

A liberal douchebag is still an epic douchebag committing douchebaggery.

Mumbletypeg May 15, 2012 at 9:52 am

That photo of Edwards reminds me of every game show host circa 1970s whose icky habits and/or dirty laundry eventually got aired (Bob Barker hitting on his ladies-in-waiting; Richard Dawson grossing me out as he smooched she-contestants full on the lips) one way or another. This was around the time I first learned the meaning of the word "smarmy."

Edit: Note to self: Richard Dawkins =//= Richard Dawson, dumbass.

BaldarTFlagass May 15, 2012 at 9:59 am

I can just see Richard Dawkins doing Family Feud. "Finish the following sentence: People who believe in God are full of (blank). Survey says!!!…."

Chichikovovich May 15, 2012 at 10:12 am

Scrubbed white family contestants: "Holy Spirit?"
Dawkins: "Survey Says: 89%! [barely stifled sob]"

BerkeleyBear May 15, 2012 at 11:47 am

[starts polishing gun, muttering about how he'll show them a "selfish gene"].

Doktor StrangeZoom May 15, 2012 at 10:27 am

Richard Dawkins was so funny on Hogan's Heroes. Him and Stephen Crane.

SorosBot May 15, 2012 at 10:37 am

Richard Dawkins was good on TV in his appearance on Doctor Who (really).

BerkeleyBear May 15, 2012 at 11:48 am

Yeah, but Hawking kinda blew it on Big Bang. He was so, I dunno, mechanical in his delivery.

Beowoof May 15, 2012 at 9:54 am

Really he called her a crazy slut. John you are just the male version of a crazy slut with delusions of grandeur.

Designer_Rants May 15, 2012 at 10:07 am

Just look at 'im. Out there, runnin' around, spreading his hair-part for anyone who'll look.

BerkeleyBear May 15, 2012 at 11:49 am

I'm sure he meant it as a term of affection – "C'mon and give me some herpes, you crazy slut."

No?

SorosBot May 15, 2012 at 9:55 am

But crazy sluts make the best mistresses!

actor212 May 15, 2012 at 9:56 am

Don't they ever! At least until the bunny boils.

not that Radio May 15, 2012 at 10:13 am

I see what you did there.

sullivanst May 15, 2012 at 11:17 am

Charles Lincoln III thought so too, until he realized some sluts are just toooooooo crazy.

BerkeleyBear May 15, 2012 at 11:50 am

Says the guy in the long distance relationship. You do like playing with fire, don't you?

actor212 May 15, 2012 at 9:56 am

All that planning and he left no time for "family planning"?

neiltheblaze May 15, 2012 at 9:57 am

I hope this trial ends soon – I hate the almost daily reminders that I once supported this narcissistic futhermucker.

tessiee May 15, 2012 at 11:47 am

As my cousin said about *her* disgusting ex, "he fooled everybody".

OneYieldRegular May 15, 2012 at 9:57 am

Edwards has been digging for so long I thought for sure that he would have popped out in China by now.

V572 Is this him? May 15, 2012 at 10:00 am

Within the field of choices available to a newly elected Democratic prez in 2008, you wouldn't think there couldn't ha've been a worse choice for AG than Eric (the-Constitution-Guarantees-Process-Not-Justice) Holder. You'd have been wrong.

ThundercatHo May 15, 2012 at 10:02 am

Hillary could probably smell the wet, horn-dog odor from a mile away.

actor212 May 15, 2012 at 10:12 am

I'm betting both Hillary and Obama did a lot of oppo-research and uncovered the affair long before it became public. In fact, it's long been a suspicion of mine that one of them (my money is on Hillary) leaked the story in the first place.

SorosBot May 15, 2012 at 10:19 am

And during the primaries, while it looked like a potential three-way race all of the Democratic party bigwigs endorsed either Obama or Clinton; none of the insiders supported Edwards. I think they all knew what a sleaze he was and that he would be a disaster as the nominee.

actor212 May 15, 2012 at 10:23 am

Which raises the other possibility I'd been mulling in my head: that the party itself decided to cut its losses with Edwards, rather than suffer a major scandal in the heat of the battle.

DemmeFatale May 15, 2012 at 10:46 am

I think he lost the support of the Clintons long ago. At one time (20 yrs ago?) they thought he was the golden boy, but soon dropped him like a hot potato. I wonder what they knew or found out.
That wet, horn-dog smell must have been REALLY strong!

Geminisunmars May 15, 2012 at 11:11 am

I love the smell of wet horn-dog in the morning.

tessiee May 15, 2012 at 11:49 am

Who's to know better than Hill?

Chichikovovich May 15, 2012 at 10:04 am

(Oh, he also called his mistress a “crazy slut,” by the way).

How about that. I thought Edwards was incapable of saying anything true.

Edit: I should add that I am in no way endorsing the view that being a slut is a bad thing. Except when it involves homewrecking.

Doktor StrangeZoom May 15, 2012 at 10:32 am

I'll have you know, good sir, that the sexual proclivities of any building demolition crew are of no concern to anyone else. As long as they aren't doing it on the job. Why, I hired a little mother-and-son firm called "Edifice Wrecks" that did a bang-up job, even if they did seem a little hinky in their personal behavior.

Chichikovovich May 15, 2012 at 11:27 am

I had a good experience with them too, though during the later visits the son kept bumping into things and tripping. On the other hand I had a terrible experience when they referred me to the exterminator Ant-B-Gone-E™. The woman they sent kept sneaking out of the house – I later found she had dug and then filled in a 6-foot long hole in the backyard. Weird.

Not_So_Much May 15, 2012 at 10:07 am

Never would've worked. Do you ever hear about Scalia's crazy fuck-buddies popping off? No. No you don't. Clarence knows that the pimp hand is strong.

Wile E. Quixote May 15, 2012 at 10:48 am

Of course you never hear about Scalia's crazy fuck-buddies popping off, it's one of the major advantages of necrophilia.

tessiee May 15, 2012 at 11:51 am

That sound you just heard was my lady parts slamming shut at the very *thought* of anybody touching Scalia except to punch him in the chins.

widestanceromance May 15, 2012 at 10:07 am

The only thing I could possibly defend Edwards about is that, yes, obviously she was a crazy slut, because she would bump uglies with him in the first place. Otherwise, I'm pleased that he is getting the attention he deserves now.

fartknocker May 15, 2012 at 10:08 am

John has reached to levels of douchiness that Representative Joe Walsh has never even contemplated.

chicken_thief May 15, 2012 at 10:13 am

Give Joe some time. He's isn't finished completely fucking over his kids yet. Then he move on to the wife.

DemmeFatale May 15, 2012 at 10:49 am

But even John would never have yelled "You lie!" at a POTUS during the SOTU.

tessiee May 15, 2012 at 12:20 pm

"I hate the fuckin' Eagles" — The big Lebowski

[yes, I know it's not the same Joe Walsh, but I just watched that movie, and I hate the fuckin' Eagles, too]

ThundercatHo May 15, 2012 at 10:08 am

Probably should have gone with Plan B.

starfanglednut May 15, 2012 at 10:10 am

Nar. Ciss. Ism.

chicken_thief May 15, 2012 at 10:12 am

"…after that you’ll probably cry spontaneously, in public, …"

Today we are all orange Speakers of the House?!

subsum May 15, 2012 at 10:14 am

I'm offended by the assertion that I read blogs for dick jokes and politics. I read blogs for jokes about Truck Nutz and, yes, I may me masturbating to something later today but that has nothing to do with it.

Barb May 15, 2012 at 10:15 am

Her real name is Lisa Jo Druck. I'm not going to call her "Rielle" I'm pissed that Elizabeth Edwards spent any of her last moments on Earth being annoyed by Miss Druck and her asshole husband.

actor212 May 15, 2012 at 10:25 am

Oh shit!

NOW I remember her! She was hanging around with Jay McInerney in the clubs…I knew she looked familiar, but dayum, time (and coke, probably) has not been kind to her.

Chet Kincaid May 15, 2012 at 11:13 am

She is notorious for having been passed around by McInerney and Bret Easton Ellis as an oddball batshit character in several of their novels.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rielle_Hunter#Litera

rickmaci May 15, 2012 at 10:43 am

Karma is a bitch. The remainder of his life will be a living hell. May his be a very long life.

tessiee May 15, 2012 at 11:52 am

And somehow, she thought that "Rielle" was a better name than Lisa? It's like the Lee Press-on Nails of names.

Chet Kincaid May 15, 2012 at 12:10 pm

They're not press-ons, they're Rielle!!

el_donaldo May 15, 2012 at 10:21 am

What's wrong with you people. Not one single dick joke. Now I've wasted my well-planned morning dick-joke reading time.

actor212 May 15, 2012 at 10:26 am

Hello! The biggest dick joke is the subject of the entire frikkin' thread!

Doktor StrangeZoom May 15, 2012 at 10:33 am

There was, however, a joke about dick jokes, so on a meta-meta level, everything's as it should be.

natoslug May 15, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Edwards certainly cocked this whole thing up.

Chet Kincaid May 15, 2012 at 10:22 am

What an oddball, eccentric Oligarch family, these Mellons. Bunny Mellon, duped into seeing the next JFK in John Edwards; Richard Mellon Scaife, batshit Nixon/Hillary supporter; and John Cougar Mellon Camp, squandering his fortune slumming as a rocker. Wait, what?

Doktor StrangeZoom May 15, 2012 at 10:34 am

And of course, Blind Mellon, those one-hit wonders.

tessiee May 15, 2012 at 11:58 am

Don't forget Lemon Melon, the famous dyslexic blues musician.

Chichikovovich May 15, 2012 at 10:39 am

Not to mention the group Blind Mellon.

[P.S. - About 20 years ago, a close friend was romantically involved with one of the (many) heirs to a slice of the Mellon fortune. At one point we had a long conversation about the relationship - the only part I remember exactly occurred about halfway through, when I said "OK, [friend's name], from everything you've just told me, I think you should know that this woman is deranged."]

Edit: Damn – never should have taken the time to write the P.S. Basic Wonketteur's rule ignored: Always put it in a separate post.

Doktor StrangeZoom May 15, 2012 at 10:52 am

Love is a blind Mellon Trust

not that Radio May 15, 2012 at 10:24 am

From the Wonket Archives

Doktor StrangeZoom May 15, 2012 at 10:36 am

Oh.

Ew.

Jus_Wonderin May 15, 2012 at 10:24 am

I don't have the energy for any snark today. What is wrong with me????

Barb May 15, 2012 at 10:29 am

You need a bowl of Wheaties. Eat a bowl and then I will tell you why I special ordered fox urine to be delivered to me today.

Chet Kincaid May 15, 2012 at 11:03 am

Tryin' to keep varmints out of the yard?

Barb May 15, 2012 at 11:31 am

Yes, I've discovered the hard way that if you see two super cute mice in your yard and feed them cookies they will tell the other mice. Mice are notorious narcs.

Chet Kincaid May 15, 2012 at 11:35 am

I've also noticed that if you spray FOX urine from the TV in the waiting room at a car service shop, you'll drive smart customers away.

CountryClubJihadi May 15, 2012 at 10:28 am

I miss Kwame Kilpatrick.

Doktor StrangeZoom May 15, 2012 at 10:54 am

You sound wike Ewmer Fudd.

Guppy May 15, 2012 at 10:40 am

And it all would have worked if his crazy slut of a mistress had only planned to not have his child!

Planned Parenthood? In Carolina?

DocChaos May 15, 2012 at 10:46 am

It's not too late for Handsome Johnny. Find Jesus, then Reagan, and that SCOTUS nomination might still be in reach.

Doktor StrangeZoom May 15, 2012 at 10:53 am

Katy Perry is a bit of a pop tart.

HistoriCat May 15, 2012 at 11:44 am

But not as flat.

tessiee May 15, 2012 at 11:28 am

So, the take-away from this would be that maybe some pigs DON'T deserve to turn around?

franco_pinyon May 16, 2012 at 8:02 am

Hahaha… Got 'em!

tessiee May 15, 2012 at 11:30 am

"Edwards Wanted To Be Supreme Court Justice"

but now will have to settle for running for Governor of North Carolina, with the slogan, "At least you know for sure I'm not gay".

HistoriCat May 15, 2012 at 11:46 am

A felony conviction would probably help him in a Southern state gubernatorial run.

HistoriCat May 15, 2012 at 11:46 am

‘We talked about a more elaborate long-term goal of Mr. Edwards, which was to be a Supreme Court justice,’ Hindery said.

It worked for Earl Warren.

Slim_Pickins May 15, 2012 at 11:53 am

John seems to be the Newt Gingrich of the Democratic party and just as successful.

tessiee May 15, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Wouldn't you think that someone as vain as John Edwards would have spent a few bucks to have that wart taken off his upper lip?

natoslug May 15, 2012 at 12:41 pm

That's no wart; all that long-term planning made him forget his Valtrex.

VespulaMaculata May 15, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Now all he needs to plan is his honeymoon night behind bars.

valthemus May 15, 2012 at 4:16 pm

I'd root for Johnny if he were funnier. You can't be rich, good-looking AND humorless and expect to have my support. Help us laugh at you, Johnny!

swordfis May 15, 2012 at 9:03 pm

I hate to say this, because I find Edwards loathsome, but he was a brilliant and generous lawyer, who won many personal injury cases against corporations. He's much more a tragedy than a joke. Here's the Wiki article:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Edwards

weejee May 26, 2012 at 2:52 pm

  

Designer_Rants May 15, 2012 at 10:20 am

"I don't recall anything specifically about this in the employee handbook."

actor212 May 15, 2012 at 10:20 am

We need ExxonMobil to buy the towers first.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ May 15, 2012 at 10:40 am

"…then why else call it a 'handbook'?!"

tessiee May 15, 2012 at 11:45 am

It's in the section under "casual Friday".

James Michael Curley May 15, 2012 at 11:06 am

It is far to easy for the American public to blame the individual soldier when things go wrong and not those who developed and implemented the policy.

BerkeleyBear May 15, 2012 at 11:39 am

Even eating a grenade is subject to discussion these days. Did he or she have to do it in an absolute sense? Were they driven to seek danger by some other trauma? Etc. etc.

Interesting that you mention the approval of volunteering for combat, when an awful lot of decision makers are themselves careerists who avoid the absolute point of the spear at all costs. Artillery (and to a lesser extent engineering) were considered the route smart, career minded grads of West Point took for over 150 years – on the battle field, but not down in the muck, with a better chance of staff appointments. It was only recently that it morphed into a praiseworthy choice to pick infantry over artillery as a so-called "warrior ethos" was instilled in the draw-down 1990s. But yeah, they all happily cheer on the useful cannon fodder.

sullivanst May 15, 2012 at 11:35 am

Less than 8 months left of Lieberdouche's Senate career. Huzzah! Hopefully he'll be considerably more anonymous in his afterlife than Chris Dodd.

sullivanst May 15, 2012 at 11:37 am

Sounds like someone practices The Stranger

tessiee May 15, 2012 at 11:39 am

"What's Joe Biden doing right now?"

Doing donuts on the White House lawn with a Harley.
I have absolutely no reason to think or say that; I just liked the mental picture.

Chet Kincaid May 15, 2012 at 11:40 am

You don't know what Biden is doing because it's highly likely that Biden is not fucking a crazy bitch right now.

As for the last Vice President, you know enough about his daily life to know that a) he shot a "friend" in the face and b) he ought to be on trial for whatever he was doing.

sullivanst May 15, 2012 at 11:44 am

Plus falling on a grenade doesn't involve slaughtering dozens of brown people so could never earn the respect of Tony Perkins.

V572 Is this him? May 15, 2012 at 11:54 am

The most prestigious subject matter at “the Military Academy” (as Army officers call West Point—Annapolis and USAFA are equivalent to King’s Point in their estimation) is engineering, by which they mean “military engineering.” At the time the Academy was established that was the only kind of engineering there was. But yes, an ambitious junior Army officer must serve in combat arms (infantry, armor, artillery) to have his tickets punched. Plus go to the jump school and Ranger schools at Benning. In the Navy and Air Force, flyers are the only people that matter, and everything else is secondary to those wings.The Special Forces (“Green Berets”) were once  supposed to be an elite force of educated, sophisticated men who could learn indigenous languages and culture, thereby able to win hearts and minds. But the recent push towards spear-pointedness pushed the knowledge MOS’s into the Guard and Reserve leaving only lean, fit, warriors in charge at Bragg.In the Army a soldier whose been in combat wears the shoulder patch of that unit for the rest of his career. Nowadays everybody’s got one! Good time! Especially after that fifth or sixth tour!

tessiee May 15, 2012 at 12:04 pm

There's a Simpsons ep where Homer goes to get new tires, and the waiting room in the car shop has a broken black and white TV, a fisherman magazine on the end table, and is playing a muzak version of "the little Spanish flea" over the speakers. I laughed and cringed simultaneously because it was so EXACTLY like every "Ed and Larry's Auto Repair" waiting room I've EVER been in.

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