This dude got so much tailIt seems the TSA has taken a break from the hard work of molesting babies and congressmen and little girls with degenerative spinal diseases and poor Geraldo Rivera, and has turned its attentions instead to actually dangerous old men. How dangerous? Well, dude has been known to order the deployment of a bomb here, a secret assassination there. Frankly, we can’t understand why this terrorist is allowed to fly at all!

Instead of being tossed onto the No-Fly List, and into The Hague, everyone’s most favoritest Nobel Peace Prize winner, Dr. Henry Kissinger, just got his cock and balls handled by a TSA agent at LaGuardia who should probably get hazard pay. What a comedown from the days when he squired about Shirley McLaine and Liv Ullman (but not Gloria Steinem, says Gloria Steinem)! Now he is just a sad old man in a wheelchair, getting humped by the government.

At long last, sirs, have you left no sense of … fuck it. Sal, get out the rubber gloves. [CBS]

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  • Barb

    Hank got fingered, go figure.

  • "Don't touch my yunk, Mr. TSA ajunt, or I'll go all Cambodia on your ass."

    • sullivanst

      B-52s are not ideal melee weapons.

    • Except he means present-day Cambodia, and it's in a pretty sad state after having more bombs dropped on it by the bad man over there than the rest of the world in WW II.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Khmer Spooge?

  • What does Bristol Palin think about this?

    • elviouslyqueer

      Brisket believes that groping and fondling should only occur between two consenting heterosexual adults who may or may not be under the influence of wine coolers.

    • Bristol thinks Kissinger is another name for mononucleosis.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Little girls with degenerative moral diseases–there, fixed to include Kissinger.

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    Ultimately, the real victim here is Sarah Palin, and I think it's only fair to call on President Obama to resign.

      • Mein EYES! MEIN EYES! ACH!

      • James Michael Curley

        What the hell was that?
        Where did it come from?
        When will it go away?

      • Butch_Wagstaff

        "Mr. Kissinger, my eyes are up here. Look into them! You can see to the back of my skull!

        • stncmchnc

          I'm gonna wash that Putin right outta my bumpit, and send him on his way. My unreserved apologies to Mitzi Gaynor.

      • Gah! Eye bleach!

    • Speaking of resign, did you catch that teh Atlantic is pitching that Barry dump Joe Biden, send him over the rainbow and make him Ambassador to Gheysylvania or something and move Hillz in as Veep.

      • Callyson

        FFS, people keep saying that, but WTF is in it for Hillary? If she wants to stay in government, being Secretary of State has got to be far more interesting. If she wants a break, she could make a ton more money in the private sector, giving talks and writing books. And it's not as if she needs the name exposure that being Veep would give her…

      • The whole RWNJobosphere has been pitching that forever and for yucks. I don't even get why. It's not like Hill's gonna be one bit nicer to them than Joe. Or that Bamz will trounce Mittens any less thoroughly in the ensuing melee.

        • But, but, the Weekly World News predicted last December dumping Joe for Hillary would be happening in two weeks. Now let's see, the maths are hard but if it is happening in two weeks that would Memorial Day, May 28, right????

          • I'll need more fingers and toes, weej.

          • bikerlaureate

            Nope, the world's falling apart "by the 27th". Rebecca told us last Friday.

      • sullivanst

        Who the fuck is Ben Heineman anyway? And what drooling moron is paying for him to write such complete nonsense?

        Let's Wiki-ize a key passage:

        I think there is a consensus among political observers[weasel words] that Clinton, by energizing key constituencies, would be a much more powerful vote-getter in key states than Biden. In an election that is going to be extremely close, she clearly could make the difference between victory and defeat for Obama–one of the rare times that the vice presidential candidate could help swing an election[citation needed].

      • Doktor StrangeZoom

        Feh, Biden is a mensch, and Obama would have to be meshuggah to toss him out like some old schmatte.

        And this Heineman! Such a putz.

  • MaxNeanderthal

    Big brass balls required handling that evil old coot. Must radiate more pure evil than a bucket of weapons grade plutonium…

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Terror Threat Level: (Agent) Orange

  • CapnFatback

    I see that the TSA agents are practitioners of Feelpolitik.

    • Callyson

      So *this* is what Thucydides meant when he said the strong do what they have to do and the weak accept what they have to accept…

    • In Henry's case, it's FeelTHYpolitik, dear.

  • PuckStopsHere

    Having to give this guy a full pat-down is really above and beyond the call of duty when the pay for that duty is minimum wage. Hell, I'm not sure it would be worth it for Jamie Dimon dollars.

  • Beowoof

    Oh how sweet it would be to tape a cavity search of this guy. I would buy the blu-ray.

    • Hedley_Lamarr

      I have a recurring dream that Hugo Chavez will do this on Pay-Per-View. It soothes me in times of crisis.

    • All who do not live up to our values should be anally probed!

  • rickmaci

    OK. So maybe the profiling thing isn't all bad.

    • GlowneyHouse

      The TSA people are trained to look for suspicious behaviour and appearance. And if someone walks up to the gate with that much blood on his hands, you kinda have to search him

      • rickmaci

        Well played GH.

  • You don't know who I am? I carpet-bombed Cambodia, goddamit!

    • anniegetyerfun

      "Yes, I remember stories that my parents told me about fleeing to the countryside, sir, before we were able to immigrate to the US from Phnom Penh. Now, if you'll just stand up and step over here…."

    • With any luck, the agent in question will be a Southeast Asian with a grudge about US bombing of those parts.

      • And then Kissinger suddenly becomes trapped in the full body scan machine:
        "The Horror. The Horror!"

        • The Delight. The Delight! (capers lunatically around the room)

          Wish it was me. I'd'a given him something to remember the Kampuchean people by.

  • ElPinche

    If I know statistics, at least one commenter will find this story deeply arousing.

    • No cattle prods being used on his anus, so, no, not me.

    • The name's Beowoof.

      • ElPinche

        Beowoof , the High Plains Drifter who rides the grey area between kinky and down right wrong.

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    Petty abuse of power is the penultimate aphrodesiac.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    His balls were trailing three feet behind and the agent was able to do the job walking, so at least the queue wasn't held up.

    • Rotundo_

      And from that distance who knows what they might have been; sure they coulda been wheel chocks for the chair, but they could have been explosive too. When blackened, atrophied chunks of stuff follow people around you just have to see what's up.

  • pdiddycornchips

    When the TSA agent finished his probing, he whispered in Hank's ear, "power is the ultimate aphrodisiac ".

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      OK–far better than mine.

    • Fox n Fiends

      That should be Romney's campaign motto.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Old dude talks weird. Better search'im.

    Also: BARF!!!!!!!!!!
    Also: Fuck you! You mass-murdering motherfucker!

  • …and the TSA agent replied, "it's tough kid, but it's life".

  • Mittens Howell, III

    I hear Ashton Kutcher left him for a younger War Criminal, too.

    So. Rough day all round.

  • GlowneyHouse

    Love to see the TSA video of him after the handling jumping up, yelling "Mein Fuhrer! I can walk!"

  • MadBrahms

    He's on a Holiday in Cambodia and a Chickenshit Conformist too. (Sources are unclear on whether or not he is Too Drunk to Fuck, because no one wants to check)

    • A friend of mine had a "too fucked to drink" shirt, which I coveted deeply.

  • Callyson

    "Hey! Tricky Dick is the only man I ever allowed to touch me there!"

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      "Where's my Jew?"

  • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

    Well, that's one TSA agent who got a raise.

  • SorosBot

    Dammit, I see the evil old man and you got my hopes up that this was a death notice.

    • No such luck. Apparently you sacrifice enough infants and the evil forces protect you from death. Or something.

  • CapnFatback

    Apparently the agents were so thorough that they even searched Kissinger's "opening to China."

  • Baconzgood

    I find this difficult to masterbate to.

    • Mittens Howell, III

      Just 'difficult', huh?

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Me too [although part of the reason is the earlier threads with hot babe pols]

      ElPinche may have to re-calculate.

    • OT for Baconz: My 16-year-old niece was among family members gathered for Mother's Day dinner yesterday. She told me about about the "posses" at her school, one of which that calls itself The Baconz Boyz. "Spelled with Zs," she said, wrinkling her nose. I asked what they do and she said they're "at war" with another posse. "It's like West Side Story at my school." Concerned, I said, "How violent are they?" Her reply, "No, mostly they just dress up like gangstas and pose for pictures for their Baconz Boyz chat group on Facebook. They carry knives but really they spend more time with their combs. Seriously, they spend more time getting dressed than I do." The Sharks and Jets are now fighting in the tubez of the interwebz … with baconz.

      • That's actually kind of old fashioned, like '50s gangs. Maybe this is the plot of the social media era "Grease."

      • Baconzgood

        I'm going Global yo! Like Tookie Williams only with pork products.

        • Try not to come to the same end, Homes.

    • teebob2000

      Yer doin' it wrong.

  • sbj1964

    I wonder if the TSA agent found the missing 18 hrs of the Nixon tapes?

    • James Michael Curley

      The whole exercise was an attempt to re-record those missing 18 minutes.

      • sbj1964

        Thanks for the verification.When I firtst posted this I wrote 18 min.Than 2nd guess myself.Rum does that.Thanks

        • James Michael Curley

          Ron does it too.

  • SayItWithWookies

    That TSA agent is the very epitome of restraint — if I had had Mr. Kissinger's balls in my grasp you can believe he would've been bombed back to the stoneless age.

  • johnnymeatworth

    Once you apologize for the Christmas bombing, we'll show some mercy and only go wrist deep.

  • Arken

    I hear the same thing happened back in the 70s when he went out with Candice Bergen.

  • BarackMyWorld

    I saw in a documentary once that the women he went out with were just a cover for the secret diplomatic trips he was taking (kind of like that part in "The Dark Knight" when Bruce Wayne goes on a yacht trip with the Russian ballet so he can secretly go to Hong Kong).

  • MissTaken

    Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.

  • MrFizzy

    Looks like a scene from Dr. Strangelove, only crazier. Dude appears to have been embalmed in the late 80s.

  • Now the Republicans might complain about this…

  • Steverino247

    OK, I dislike Henry as much as the next person, but you've got to be kidding me! Pat down on Henry Kissinger? This guy still knows so much secret shit, it's incredible. He is the last person to harm the plane or the passengers. Even if the rule is to pat down every nth passenger, you've got to exercise a little discretion! This confirms what a joke the TSA really is. I felt safer with the inbred Filipinos who used to do security at the airports.

    • HistoriCat

      Yeah – there's plenty of schadenfreude about Henry getting felt up but from a practical standpoint, this was a big waste of time. However, the TSA still has a perfect track record of spending lots of money and inconveniencing people, so it's OK.

    • pdiddycornchips

      Yeah, that particular thought occurred to me when I saw a TSA agent searching a ninety year old woman and then escorting her to a private room for what I suppose was a strip search.

  • dadanarchist

    Was the TSA able to locate his conscience and/or sense of shame?

  • chascates

    Just make sure he gets placed on a direct flight to Chile.

  • V572 Is this him?

    Don't forget Jill St John.

    • Generation[redacted]

      With a face like that, and he still talked his way into getting a Bond girl in the sack? No wonder Nixon put him in charge of negotiations.

      • V572 Is this him?

        As shown here.

    • James Michael Curley

      You were expecting they would find Jill St. John during a cavity search? Kinky!

  • HobbesEvilTwin

    I walked! "Mein Führer! I can walk …
    away from the war crimes tribunal that have should've hung me, Nixon and all the rest of douchebags volume I in American foreign policy.

    • dadanarchist

      Ron Jeremy is "hung," war criminals are "hanged."

  • Speaking of old farts, Ron Paul just suspended his campaign! Eat shit, Paultards!

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      I guess it's back into his cryogenic chamber until 2015 for him.

    • Oh, now you'll get them ALL hot and bothered.

  • Me_K_Cong

    I remember when it was peace that was "at hand." (For the dullards: Now it's his balls.)

  • Generation[redacted]

    Is this going to be included in the Republican health care reform replacement bill?

  • Dr Kissinger, now you know how Cambodia felt during your little "incursion."

    • Oh, FUCK to the NO, man! FUCK to the no. My mother told me when the bombs were falling overhead during WW II, people would just fall to the floor paralyzed, and then they would get up and walk around as if stunned. And Vietnamese survivors of the B52 bombings say that the Americans used them as a tool of psychological, as well as physical warfare. The victims suffered for decades afterwards!

      This miserable old fuck — he gets more rectal spreading at his yearly colonoscopy, jezus.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Can't we all agree that if more people would uncomfortably grope Henry Kissinger, the world would be a better place?

  • anniegetyerfun

    At first, I thought we were using a photo of Dr. Strangelove for this article. (and just read the comments and realized that I was beat to this observation by a good long while)

  • Dammit, so much for the Kissinger-Mask-And-Boxers-Bomb plan!

    (Had to make that joke in the third person, in case The Machine spits out my Number.)

  • Antispandex

    So, now someone is doing to Henry what he did to Viet Nam?

  • Nine times outta ten, when a suitcase is vibrating… it's a dildo. But in Hank's case; it was a Weaponized AIDS x plutonium x assorted rusty nails "dirty bomb".

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    They made a mistake. They thought he was Saul Alinsky.

  • Dear gawd. I hope your health is, and remains, good.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    Hell, yes. Give 'em all A's as a last gesture of kindness before Oblivion hits. Or, if you want to have their last memory of you as being Captain Evil, the old F grade will work.

    And if May 28 dawns sunny and warm, who do you want pounding on your door: some dean or a hundred pissed-off students?

  • Nostrildamus

    If Jane Fonda married Howard Hughes, divorced him and married Henry Kissinger she could say "I'm Fonda Hughes Kissinger now" "They're both total assholes!"

  • C_R_Eature

    When the TSA agent had that War Criminal by the balls, he missed a golden opportunity to extract a written confession.

    John Yoo says a little crushing is perfectly legal, now.

  • Smithboy

    This bloodthirsty warmonger once told Nixon that pulling troops out of Viet Nam would be like eating peanuts. "Mr. President…once you remove troops the public will want more. It's like eating peanuts."

    So this bloated Palestinian hating Zionist didn't care that Americans were being slaughtered in a no win war, much like today's Afghanistan, no he was afraid the public might then demand more troops be brought home and end his ego trip of being seen as a deal maker.

  • ttommyunger

    Had to push Barbara Walters face out of the way to get to his lap, I'm sure.

  • An_Outhouse

    I got 'randomly' selected for grope and grab by some old coot last week. I'm sure a war criminal would appreiate the smooth skin feel of old man hands on his junk.

  • BZ1

    My new favorite idiom: IOKIARDI

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