minnesota FTW

Undercover Gay Bathhouse Spy Will Be Minnesota’s Next Michele Bachmann

He's rocking that turtleneck so hard.

Just when we were feeling that the 2012 election cycle seemed suspiciously light on mentally unstable long shot candidates, Mother Jones brings us a delightful little profile of Minnesota GOP congressional candidate Allen Quist, whom queen lunatic Michele Bachmann recently endorsed while noting that in her opinion, the former state representative is a man of “intellectual firepower.” *RUBS HANDS.* Oh good, let’s start with some of Quist’s prior accomplishments: “During his time as a state representative, Quist…went undercover at an adult bookstore and a gay bathhouse in an effort to prove to a local newspaper reporter that they had become a ‘haven for anal intercourse.'” Sounds promising!

What else: Quist lists himself as Adjunct Professor of Political Science at a religious college in Minnesota, the designated field of expertise for wingnuts interested in dinosaur-themed creative writing:

One section [of an online curriculum supplement written by Quist] asks this leading question: “Did dinosaurs and people live at the same time, and why do so many recently discovered ancient art works accurately picture dinosaurs?” The answer is a resounding “yes.” “The only reasonable explanation for the stegosaurus carved in stone on the wall of the Cambodian temple is that the artist had either seen a stegosaur or had seen other art works of a stegosaur,” Quist writes. “Either way, people and stegosaurs were living at the same time.”

Elsewhere, Quist provides scientific evidence for the existence of dragons, and suggests that the Book of Job be taught as a science lesson: “Today we know beyond a reasonable doubt—Job 41 is a picture-perfect description of SuperCroc.”

So much fun already! Allen Quist is a gay bathhouse troll who loves dragons. [Mother Jones]

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    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Yes! How did ancient artist like Hanna and Barbara know what dinosaurs looked like?

      1. NYNYNYjr

        Hanna and Barbara either saw prehistoric birds being used as record players or saw other cartoons depicting such.

    2. WhatTheHeck

      and they had a yabba dabba doo time
      A dabba doo time.
      they had a gay old time.

      Humans and dinosaurs, that is.

      1. V572 Is this him?

        From memory, no problem at all:

        ♪♯Flintstones, meet the Flintstones
        They're the modern Stone Age family
        From the town of Bedrock
        They're a page right out of history.

        Let's ride with the family down the street.
        Through the courtesy of Fred's two feet.

        When you're with the Flintstones
        you'll have a yabba dabba doo time.
        A dabba doo time.
        You'll have a gay old time. l♫♮

        Hey, wait a minute—a gay old time? What were Wilma and Betty doing while Fred and Barney were down at the quarry all day?

  1. BaldarTFlagass

    "Quist…went undercover at an adult bookstore and a gay bathhouse in an effort to prove to a local newspaper reporter that they had become a ‘haven for anal intercourse.’”

    Taking one for the team, as it were.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      DO NOT WANT.

      No love,

      Every homosexual in Minnesota, with the possible exception of Marcus Bachmann

    2. Rotundo_

      Quist also misspelled "'heaven for anal intercourse'" an error that said local newspaper obviously did *not* correct.

    3. NYNYNYjr

      Other important details: "He also served as wrestling coach…Quist is a nationally recognized author and speaker on numerous topics including … the Declaration of Independence, the myth of global warming, Agenda 21 [conspiracy theory], integrated math, and the controversial International Baccalaureate curriculum [more conspiracy theory stuff]…In 2009, Quist…uncovered and blew…Congress.

  2. iburl

    Job 41:18 By his neesings a light doth shine, and his eyes are like the eyelids of the morning.
    19 Out of his mouth go burning lamps, and sparks of fire leap out.
    20 Out of his nostrils goeth smoke, as out of a seething pot or caldron.
    21 His breath kindleth coals, and a flame goeth out of his mouth.

    …more like SuperCroc of Shit.

    1. MaxNeanderthal

      Yeah, whilst Sarcosuchus Imperator was impressive, I don't think it was fitted with a flame thrower and a pilot light….

    2. NYNYNYjr

      Wow, Job 41 is exciting! I worship thee Supercroc! You are undefeatable! All bow to Supercroc! "He beholdeth all high things: he is a king over all the children of pride." HURRAH!

      1. pdiddycornchips

        My comments are getting deleted. Not sure why. It's hard out here for a pimp

  3. kissawookiee

    I think you mean Undercover Gay Bathhouse Spy will be Michele Bachmann's next husband.

    1. LastGasp

      Umm, I think Michele Bachmann already has a husband who is an Undercover Gay Bathhouse Spy…

        1. BerkeleyBear

          He heard her batshit keening voice while she was hiding in the bushes from the lesbians and thought he was Moses reincarnated.

  4. BaldarTFlagass

    I hope a stegosaurus escapes from Jurassic Park and has anal intercourse with Mr Quist.

    1. sullivanst

      We all know you really wanted to say orbital intercourse but feared the wrath of the Editrix.

  5. GuyClinch

    "Quist…went undercover at an adult bookstore and a gay bathhouse."

    Deep, deep undercover, with a particular — and three-year-long — investigation into the German leather-and-fecal-play scene.

  6. hagajim

    Allen Quist – Dragonslayer – at least if the dragon is in another dudes pants and spits something other than fire.

  7. SorosBot

    Sure, we laugh at his suggestion that dragons existed, but who will be laughing when the Targaryans bring them back and fly them to conquer the land once again?

        1. Barb

          Lol, I won a poster and I know that Soros likes the subject matter. Actually, I won two of them and gave one away.

  8. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    He had to have six guys pound him in the ass every night for a month in order to "prove" his point.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      And he's going to keep going back until the world stops and takes notice.

  9. Goonemeritus

    The fact that Wonkette is not covering Ron Paul’s announcement is proof of the bankruptcy of the traditional two party systems. Ron Paul is suspending campaigning because he has obviously won. For Wonkette to deny this fact only proves that Doctor Ron Paul is already PRESIDENT FOR LIFE of real America. I have to go and convert all my worthless Fiat currency to gold coins so have a nice day.

    1. FlownOver

      "…worthless Fiat…"

      You're gonna get a late night visit from a number of heavyset gentlemen from the Italian-American Trade Council; that's what you're gonna get.

    2. doloras

      Ron Paul is actually the incumbent in this race, having been elected PRESIDENT OF THE INTERNETS in 2008.

  10. BaldarTFlagass

    I must confess that, as a cereal-eating child, I much preferred the Quist to the Quake.

  11. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    If only Larry Craig had thought of the "I'm here at the gay bathhouse to do undercover research excuse," he might still be in the Senate.

  12. CapnFatback

    The answer is a resounding “yes.” “The only reasonable explanation for the stegosaurus carved in stone on the wall of the Cambodian temple is that the artist had either seen a stegosaur or had seen other art works of a stegosaur,” Quist writes. “Either way, people and stegosaurs were living at the same time.”

    Quist erat demonstrandum.

      1. ArthurEther

        I've been to Cambodia. The dogs are twelve times the normal size and have giant plates on their backs, very similar to the stegosaurus. And they're yummy, too.

  13. SayItWithWookies

    No wonder he's a creationist — I'm having doubts that a face like that could be a product of evolution myself.

    1. NYNYNYjr

      Herrs Bachman and Quist are investigating Swiss bathhouses for the summer, to make sure nothing unseemly is going on there.

  14. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    So, does it say that Bachmann knows him because Quist has invited her husband along with him for his undercover research?

  15. Joshua Norton

    suggests that the Book of Job be taught as a science lesson:

    Oh, good grief. People who are publically holy are always suppressing something in themselves. They compartmentalize it and try to hide it and are the nastiest people to be around.

    They basically want to fuck all the men and women in the dirtiest possible way and all the time.

  16. Baconzgood

    During his time as a state representative, Quist…went undercover at an adult bookstore and a gay bathhouse in an effort to prove to a local newspaper reporter that they had become a ‘haven for anal intercourse.


    1. el_donaldo

      Just cold volunteering for the public good and all – that's a, ahem, open and receptive public servant for ya.

    2. BaldarTFlagass

      Then he dropped his trousers and showed off his "Goatse" to reporters. "Do you doubt my word now, boys?"

  17. Lascauxcaveman

    Quist…went undercover at an adult bookstore and a gay bathhouse in an effort to prove to a local newspaper reporter that they had become a ‘haven for anal intercourse.’

    Field Trip!

    1. actor212

      o/~ Haven, I'm in haven, and my heart beats so I can barely speak,
      And I seem to find the happiness I seek
      When I'm undercover, getting it in the cheeks….o/~

  18. actor212

    “During his time as a state representative, Quist…went undercover at an adult bookstore and a gay bathhouse in an effort to prove to a local newspaper reporter that they had become a ‘haven for anal intercourse.’”

    Look, he sacrificed a lot to prove his point, going back to the bathhouses and bookstores over and over again, making sure that he saw what he thought he saw, because he needed to get his facts straight.

    Which is about all that's "straight" in this story…

    1. SayItWithWookies

      Oh, he didn't see it — what with his face buried in the third shelf of paberbacks and all.

  19. Callyson

    The GOP's April nominating convention ended in a stalemate after 23 ballots, meaning the two top candidates have to spend the next three months preparing for the August primary.

    Jesus, twenty three chances to nominate anyone else and the MN GOP did not do so?

    1. HempDogbane

      This winner was a gubernatorial candidate in the late 80s-early 90s, and along with his creepy wife and their followers, who were known as Quistians, took over a good part of the party at the local and district level. They were the reason I quit my involvement in the Minnesota Republican Party, though it was just caucusing and going to county and district conventions. I was embarrassed to be associated with them. Now they're everywhere, but they've learned to talk about "job creators."

  20. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Has anyone else seen "human centipede II, the full sequence" Cause he reminds me a lot of that guy.

  21. PuckStopsHere

    Does anal intercourse even need a "haven?" I mean, I can see the need for an Aportionplex, but if we learnt anything at all from Sen. Craig and his fellows it is that anyplace is the right place for anal intercourse.

    1. CapnFatback

      Anal intercourse is a haven unto itself. A self-filling proctology, as it were.

    1. V572 Is this him?

      So religious colleges in Minnesota are where you go NOT to learn.


      There are exceptions, of course.

    2. Negropolis

      Just in Minnesota?

      BTW, friends don't let friends go to a college with "Bible" in the name.

  22. bureaucrap

    "Alert the National Guard!!!! Adults are having consensual intercourse in private!!!! For Shame!!! For Shame!!!!"

    1. V572 Is this him?

      But so long as I can draw a breath or vote or write a letter to the editor, not in MY back yard.

      1. Chet Kincaid

        Have the Hysterics checked? How do they know Homosexuals aren't lodged in their anuses right now?! They are shape-shifting sorcerors with invisibility powers, you know!!

  23. Callyson

    Quist's almost singular focus on sexuality didn't go unnoticed. "At one point," the St. Petersburg Times reported in 1994, "a Senate leader suggested he had an unhealthy preoccupation with sex, having devoted 30 hours to it in a single session."

    Thirty hours? Don't those who manufacture Viagra say you should call a doctor if your erection last longer than four hours? Wimps.

  24. SoBeach

    I think we owe the guy a big thank you. Thanks to Quist's investigation men now know to only frequent STRAIGHT bathhouses.

  25. Exhausted66

    You think Job 41 was bad, wait til Job 43 comes around trying to outdo him. Ugh.

  26. Callyson

    "Unfortunately," (former MN GOP governor Arne) Carlson added, "what was bizarre in the '90s is becoming the centerpiece of this new Republican party."

    Couldn't have put it better myself…

    1. actor212

      This is the saddest part of all this. As progressive and liberal as I am, I don't mind a responsible opposing viewpoint because I simply don't know and can't think of every contingency to whatever "gee, wouldn't that be a nice thing to have?" thought that creeps into my brain and I'd like someone who opposes the idea to have a cogent argument with.

      I miss that Republican party.

      1. emmelemm

        I don't miss any Republican party, of any era, but I do miss not finding myself utterly and completely gobsmacked *every single day* at the lunacy on parade. I miss when Repub politics wasn't an absolute race-to-the-floor of stupidity.

    2. Buckminster

      "Unfortunately," (former MN GOP governor Arne) Carlson added, "what was the opinion of a handful of inbred crackers in 1868 is becoming the centerpiece of this new Republican party."


  27. Baconzgood

    A Haven for Anal Intercourse? Wasn't that really hard club to get into that was up on 42nd?

  28. Jus_Wonderin

    Honestly, I would love to live in the time of the dinos…IF I wasn't already living in the time of the dinos (with these dumb fucks).

  29. elviouslyqueer

    In one memorable interview, Quist told a British reporter he believed women were "genetically predisposed" to be subservient to men, pointing to, among other things, the behavior of wild animals.

    Well, wild animals believe that Quist is genetically predisposed to being a knuckle-dragging, drooling, poop-flinging asshole with the mental capacity of amoebic dysentery.

    1. V572 Is this him?

      Wild animals are also genetically predisposed to urinate, defecate or masturbate wherever they happen to be. So I guess we should do the same.

    2. emmelemm

      Also, aren't there many animals in which the female of the species is the larger/tougher/something… Like Praying Mantises biting their mates' heads off after sex… or are insects not considered animals?

      Also, too:

      Ben Kingsley: "We decided to make it female so it would be more docile and controllable."

      Michael Madsen: "More docile and controllable, eh? You guys don't get out much."

        1. doloras

          Hyena females have more testosterone than the males, and therefore clits which are bigger than the boys' dicks, and go around humping the hell out of the menfolk all the time. "Wild animals" are pretty diverse.

    3. Judith_Priest

      Gee, Mithter Quitht, sometimes wild animals are flagrantly *gay*! There are two feral cats in my neighborhood, both great strapping boys, who just can't get *enough* of each other.

      I've had wingnuts tell me, "that isn't about sex; it's about *dominance*!"

      Nonsense. They switch. Enthusiastically. And when they're "spent", they spend hours hugging each other, licking each other, and just staring into one another's eyes.

      Granted, we *do* live next to West Hollywood. Perhaps the vibe there is contagious.

  30. vodkamuppet

    So he's running on a platform of gay bathhouse exploration and shit he learned from watching Ancient Aliens on the History Channel. WIN.

      1. vodkamuppet

        Yes it is, and I'll bet that's where he got the stegosaurus thing. They did an episode on the temple he's talking about. No where in that episode was it mentioned that dinosaur fossils (dragon bones) have been ground up into a powder and used as medicine in Asia for thousands of years and still are today. That just wouldn't make as much sense as "Jesus rode a stegosaurus everywhere, it's in the bible, look it up!"

    1. Buckminster

      Dang it, actor212, that was my spankin' clean computer screen until about 2 seconds ago. Remind me not to read Wonkette while I'm drinking coffee.

  31. Baconzgood

    I wish the lil lady was a haven for anal intercourse but she sais it stings too much.

  32. owhatever

    The picture carved in the viewing room of the adult bookstore was of a SuperCock, with a hole for a mouth, from which a thick, fleshy thing emerged periodically and dripped liquids that tasted like salty milk, Quist reported to the reporter.

  33. OneYieldRegular

    "Allen Quist is a gay bathhouse troll who loves dragons."

    This certainly challenges my understanding of what "Dungeons and Dragons" is all about.

    And seriously, "Quist"? I foresee limitless limerick possibilities…

  34. Graham Cracker

    I applaud Quist for having the courage to get to the bottom of this matter. He will be the winner in the end.

  35. pinkocommi

    Dinosaurs and people are alive at the same time. If by 'dinosaur' you mean idiots like Quist.

  36. anniegetyerfun

    This is pretty much the same line of reasoning I have to provide when I end up making out with women. It's "for research into the gay agenda, honey", I always say.

  37. Chet Kincaid

    A ringing endorsement from Michele Bachmann? One gets the impression that all of her intellectual heroes and mentors come from Marcus's circle of associates. "Friends Of 'Chely," as they are known in the region.

  38. Spurning Beer

    Really, Michele? This is intellectual firepower?

    I don't know how to be funny about this. Professor Quist is subject to satire, but you are way past that point, baby doll.

  39. chascates

    I once saw a really incredible drawing of a UFO so I'm assuming the artist actually saw the UFO and that Jesus was probably the pilot of it.

  40. pdiddycornchips

    How can a state that is home to both Garrison Keillor and Prince keep electing outright doofuses? I mean, in the south, I can sort of understand the idiocy. The south has a long storied history of ignorance and intolerance but Minnesota has no such excuse.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      Long winters, backward religions, and lutefisk–those are the Unholy Trinity of Minnesota (and Wisconsin) political lunacy.

    2. spinozasgod

      as in wisconsin(and most other states) outside of it's cities Minnesota lands are occupied by ignorant, deranged, crazy people known as white christians.

    3. Negropolis

      Well, this is the same state that gives you Jesse Ventura, Paul Wellstone, and then Norm Coleman and Al Franken, so they are kind of quintessentially bi-polar.

    4. Chet Kincaid

      There's a little matter of fucking with the Indians, all over the Great Lakes. And come on, no part of America has a monopoly on ignorance and intolerance, now, or in the past.

  41. MadBrahms

    Is it worse that he references the bible or that he references SyFy? Wake me up when he gets to Sharktopus.

  42. pdiddycornchips

    Okay, Admin, why are my comments getting deleted? No death threats, nothing about the mentally challenged, no rules violations as far as I can tell.

    How can a state that is home to Garrison Keillor and Prince keep electing such outright incompetents? How does that statement get deleted?

  43. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Yep … if an artist pioctured it, it proves he's seen it.
    Which makes you wonder where the hell Hieronymus Bosch grew up.

    1. Judith_Priest

      Burning Man! I swear, one panel of that triptych just *screams* Black Rock City.

      Not that I would know anything about that.

  44. moar_plz

    I'll bet he's got over 100,000 hours of research on gay porn 'under his belt' too. Hoyo! See whattadid there?!

  45. Troglodeity

    An "EFFORT to prove" that gay bathhouses are "a haven for anal intercourse"? What, you're going to leave us just hanging there as to whether or not they actually ARE?

  46. missannthropethefirst

    So if he discovers evidence for the Invisible Pink Unicorn, does he lose his faith? Or does he just hit the bathhouse for a celebration round?

  47. spinozasgod

    From the professor's school website:

    Royal Society of Bethany Scientists | Advisor: Chad Heins
    The Royal Society of Bethany Scientists is the science club on the Bethany campus. Members are typically majoring in mathematics, chemistry, or biology though we have had other interested students join us. The group organizes science-related events including fieldtrips and guest speakers. Past speakers have talked to students about graduate studies, medical school, and undergraduate research opportunities.

    a science club? a fieldtrip to the creation museum perhaps?

  48. johnnymeatworth

    So he probably teaches about how Joshua legislated against the supercrocs at Jericho and the walls came a-tumblin' down in his Intro to PoliSci class, huh?

  49. johnnymeatworth

    He probably also teaches the story about how Fred and Barney denied three times that Jesus was a member of the Loyal Order of Water Buffalos.

  50. Negropolis

    I don't know, this Quist sounds like someone who shares my values, but John Travolta has better name recognition…

  51. unclejeems

    Adjunct professor? Jeesh, what a couple of grad courses like biblical literacy and eschatology from Liberty U will get a guy these days. Big time, Mr. Quist, biiiiiiiig time.

  52. lisawines

    Quist's campaign advisers decided that it would be strategic for him to admit, early in the campaign, that he regularly visits gay bath houses and book stores but they decided to make it look like it was an undercover operation. Oh how I wish this becomes a clarion call for all the guys that he 'met' during his 'research' to go public with what he was really doing in there.

  53. KenLayIsAlive

    "These bath houses are meant for one thing and one thing only – heavenly anal intercourse. Wait, no I mean A HAVEN FOR ANAL INTERCOURSE. Wow, I haven't had this many slips of the tongue since I was investigating the glory hole scene in La Crosse. Those holes aren't for passing rolled up paper messages to the next stall people! They are actually places where OH GOD I LOVE TO SUCK COCKS…I mean places where gay sex takes place."

  54. Tommy1733

    Why is it acceptable for dimwits like this guy and Bachmann to be free to practice their stupidity on our land? To actively harm our children's education? To publicly work to suppress the actions of others? I'll tell you one thing, people like him are the reason Christianity is headed for the dustbin of history. Too bad too, because there is a lot of good things there, but with mudheads like this guy leading the way they are just going to continue to alienated young people.

    I call for an end to religious schools.

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