MINNESOTA FTW  3:55 pm May 14, 2012

Undercover Gay Bathhouse Spy Will Be Minnesota’s Next Michele Bachmann

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

He's rocking that turtleneck so hard.

Just when we were feeling that the 2012 election cycle seemed suspiciously light on mentally unstable long shot candidates, Mother Jones brings us a delightful little profile of Minnesota GOP congressional candidate Allen Quist, whom queen lunatic Michele Bachmann recently endorsed while noting that in her opinion, the former state representative is a man of “intellectual firepower.” *RUBS HANDS.* Oh good, let’s start with some of Quist’s prior accomplishments: “During his time as a state representative, Quist…went undercover at an adult bookstore and a gay bathhouse in an effort to prove to a local newspaper reporter that they had become a ‘haven for anal intercourse.’” Sounds promising!

What else: Quist lists himself as Adjunct Professor of Political Science at a religious college in Minnesota, the designated field of expertise for wingnuts interested in dinosaur-themed creative writing:

One section [of an online curriculum supplement written by Quist] asks this leading question: “Did dinosaurs and people live at the same time, and why do so many recently discovered ancient art works accurately picture dinosaurs?” The answer is a resounding “yes.” “The only reasonable explanation for the stegosaurus carved in stone on the wall of the Cambodian temple is that the artist had either seen a stegosaur or had seen other art works of a stegosaur,” Quist writes. “Either way, people and stegosaurs were living at the same time.”

Elsewhere, Quist provides scientific evidence for the existence of dragons, and suggests that the Book of Job be taught as a science lesson: “Today we know beyond a reasonable doubt—Job 41 is a picture-perfect description of SuperCroc.”

So much fun already! Allen Quist is a gay bathhouse troll who loves dragons. [Mother Jones]

 
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{ 211 comments }

Barb May 14, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Yes, dinosaurs and people lived together. Duh, just watch the Flintstones.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 14, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Yes! How did ancient artist like Hanna and Barbara know what dinosaurs looked like?

actor212 May 14, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Oh please! The Great Gazoo told them!

NYNYNYjr May 14, 2012 at 8:04 pm

Hanna and Barbara either saw prehistoric birds being used as record players or saw other cartoons depicting such.

Fairtackle May 14, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Some of Ken Burns' best work.

Callyson May 14, 2012 at 4:07 pm

And some people *are* dinosaurs–case in point being Allen Quist…

WhatTheHeck May 14, 2012 at 4:16 pm

and they had a yabba dabba doo time
A dabba doo time.
they had a gay old time.

Humans and dinosaurs, that is.

V572 Is this him? May 14, 2012 at 4:20 pm

From memory, no problem at all:

♪♯Flintstones, meet the Flintstones
They're the modern Stone Age family
From the town of Bedrock
They're a page right out of history.

Let's ride with the family down the street.
Through the courtesy of Fred's two feet.

When you're with the Flintstones
you'll have a yabba dabba doo time.
A dabba doo time.
You'll have a gay old time. l♫♮

Hey, wait a minute—a gay old time? What were Wilma and Betty doing while Fred and Barney were down at the quarry all day?

actor212 May 14, 2012 at 4:30 pm

I can only testify that much giggling ensued.

YasserArraFeck May 14, 2012 at 7:03 pm

Getting their rocks off?

Terry May 14, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Not to mention Barney!

actor212 May 14, 2012 at 4:32 pm

To quote the old Eddie Murphy routine: "Hey, Fred! How would you like to fuck me up the ass? "

mayor_quimby May 14, 2012 at 10:39 pm

Hammina Hammina Hammina .

Chet Kincaid May 14, 2012 at 5:28 pm

This makes me wanna hear this smokin' piece of rock'n'roll that blows away the BC-52s' version:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ywsn8hubWUI

BaldarTFlagass May 14, 2012 at 4:00 pm

"Quist…went undercover at an adult bookstore and a gay bathhouse in an effort to prove to a local newspaper reporter that they had become a ‘haven for anal intercourse.’”

Taking one for the team, as it were.

elviouslyqueer May 14, 2012 at 4:07 pm

DO NOT WANT.

No love,

Every homosexual in Minnesota, with the possible exception of Marcus Bachmann

bumfug May 14, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Had to leave when other patrons noticed his suspiciously narrow stance.

OneDollarJuana May 14, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Probably took one from the team.

emmelemm May 14, 2012 at 4:32 pm

More than one.

MaxNeanderthal May 14, 2012 at 4:43 pm

From the look of him, he left the butt plug in…..

Rotundo_ May 14, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Quist also misspelled "'heaven for anal intercourse'" an error that said local newspaper obviously did *not* correct.

NYNYNYjr May 14, 2012 at 8:37 pm

Other important details: "He also served as wrestling coach…Quist is a nationally recognized author and speaker on numerous topics including … the Declaration of Independence, the myth of global warming, Agenda 21 [conspiracy theory], integrated math, and the controversial International Baccalaureate curriculum [more conspiracy theory stuff]…In 2009, Quist…uncovered and blew…Congress.

outragedcitizen May 15, 2012 at 8:07 am

And that, Friends, is how you spin getting caught with a gay hooker in a gay bookstore/bathhouse.

Swampgas_Man May 14, 2012 at 4:00 pm

SuperCroc? Wasn't that on Syfy network the other week?

bureaucrap May 14, 2012 at 4:10 pm

I usually get my superCrocs at Payless(c) Shoes.

johnnymeatworth May 14, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Yeah, versus the Giant Octopus. Starring Urkel.

Designer_Rants May 14, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Well if it was on teevee, then look no further for proof.

iburl May 14, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Job 41:18 By his neesings a light doth shine, and his eyes are like the eyelids of the morning.
19 Out of his mouth go burning lamps, and sparks of fire leap out.
20 Out of his nostrils goeth smoke, as out of a seething pot or caldron.
21 His breath kindleth coals, and a flame goeth out of his mouth.

…more like SuperCroc of Shit.

FlownOver May 14, 2012 at 4:14 pm

I remember many times in college waking up in a similar condition.

MaxNeanderthal May 14, 2012 at 4:45 pm

Yeah, whilst Sarcosuchus Imperator was impressive, I don't think it was fitted with a flame thrower and a pilot light….

iburl May 14, 2012 at 6:26 pm

HERETIC!!!

NYNYNYjr May 14, 2012 at 8:12 pm

Wow, Job 41 is exciting! I worship thee Supercroc! You are undefeatable! All bow to Supercroc! "He beholdeth all high things: he is a king over all the children of pride." HURRAH!

FlownOver May 14, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Hmmmm… has anyone ever seen Fred Flintstone and Marcus Bachmann at the same place? We may be onto something here.

CrunchyKnee May 14, 2012 at 4:01 pm

P-E-N-I-S goes into the dumb ass…

SmutBoffin May 14, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Wriggling, wriggling, wriggling in excrement.

pdiddycornchips May 14, 2012 at 5:31 pm

Test

pdiddycornchips May 14, 2012 at 5:32 pm

My comments are getting deleted. Not sure why. It's hard out here for a pimp

kissawookiee May 14, 2012 at 4:02 pm

I think you mean Undercover Gay Bathhouse Spy will be Michele Bachmann's next husband.

LastGasp May 14, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Umm, I think Michele Bachmann already has a husband who is an Undercover Gay Bathhouse Spy…

MaxNeanderthal May 14, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Hardly "undercover"….?

Jukesgrrl May 14, 2012 at 6:54 pm

Yes, do we know WHERE and HOW One L first came into contact with this man? Is it possible he's a friend of the hubby's?

BerkeleyBear May 14, 2012 at 7:13 pm

He heard her batshit keening voice while she was hiding in the bushes from the lesbians and thought he was Moses reincarnated.

littlebigdaddy May 14, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Brother husband maybe?

BaldarTFlagass May 14, 2012 at 4:03 pm

I hope a stegosaurus escapes from Jurassic Park and has anal intercourse with Mr Quist.

sullivanst May 14, 2012 at 4:40 pm

We all know you really wanted to say orbital intercourse but feared the wrath of the Editrix.

GuyClinch May 14, 2012 at 4:03 pm

"Quist…went undercover at an adult bookstore and a gay bathhouse."

Deep, deep undercover, with a particular — and three-year-long — investigation into the German leather-and-fecal-play scene.

hagajim May 14, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Allen Quist – Dragonslayer – at least if the dragon is in another dudes pants and spits something other than fire.

SorosBot May 14, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Sure, we laugh at his suggestion that dragons existed, but who will be laughing when the Targaryans bring them back and fly them to conquer the land once again?

Barb May 14, 2012 at 4:06 pm

I am about to send you an e-mail, Soro's. Look for it, please.

Chet Kincaid May 14, 2012 at 5:48 pm

This violates FCC rules!!

Barb May 14, 2012 at 7:52 pm

Lol, I won a poster and I know that Soros likes the subject matter. Actually, I won two of them and gave one away.

fuflans May 14, 2012 at 10:52 pm

how's season 2?

we don't have cable.

;(

Chet Kincaid May 15, 2012 at 1:29 am

Oddly, I don't believe anyone has said "winter is coming" yet this year.

MLHencken May 14, 2012 at 4:03 pm

His real first name is Quentin, but he just couldn't handle it.

BigSkullF*ckingDog May 14, 2012 at 4:03 pm

He had to have six guys pound him in the ass every night for a month in order to "prove" his point.

Generation[redacted] May 14, 2012 at 4:32 pm

And he's going to keep going back until the world stops and takes notice.

Goonemeritus May 14, 2012 at 4:03 pm

The fact that Wonkette is not covering Ron Paul’s announcement is proof of the bankruptcy of the traditional two party systems. Ron Paul is suspending campaigning because he has obviously won. For Wonkette to deny this fact only proves that Doctor Ron Paul is already PRESIDENT FOR LIFE of real America. I have to go and convert all my worthless Fiat currency to gold coins so have a nice day.

FlownOver May 14, 2012 at 4:08 pm

"…worthless Fiat…"

You're gonna get a late night visit from a number of heavyset gentlemen from the Italian-American Trade Council; that's what you're gonna get.

actor212 May 14, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Hey, those 500s are pretty hot chicks!

I mean, cars.

V572 Is this him? May 14, 2012 at 4:50 pm

You want to get the Abarth model with Catrinel Menghia.

Designer_Rants May 14, 2012 at 4:57 pm

As the Comedy Central write up says:

Shorter: I'm dropping out. Please, nerd minions, move out of your basements and do something with your lives.

http://bit.ly/KWYZ1f

doloras May 14, 2012 at 10:19 pm

Ron Paul is actually the incumbent in this race, having been elected PRESIDENT OF THE INTERNETS in 2008.

BaldarTFlagass May 14, 2012 at 4:03 pm

I must confess that, as a cereal-eating child, I much preferred the Quist to the Quake.

actor212 May 14, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Grrrrrrrrrrrr……

majicunderwear May 14, 2012 at 7:35 pm

Like the cereal Quist has qwaazy energy.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 14, 2012 at 4:04 pm

If only Larry Craig had thought of the "I'm here at the gay bathhouse to do undercover research excuse," he might still be in the Senate.

CapnFatback May 14, 2012 at 4:04 pm

The answer is a resounding “yes.” “The only reasonable explanation for the stegosaurus carved in stone on the wall of the Cambodian temple is that the artist had either seen a stegosaur or had seen other art works of a stegosaur,” Quist writes. “Either way, people and stegosaurs were living at the same time.”

Quist erat demonstrandum.

FlownOver May 14, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Emphasis on the "dum."

ArthurEther May 15, 2012 at 1:18 pm

I've been to Cambodia. The dogs are twelve times the normal size and have giant plates on their backs, very similar to the stegosaurus. And they're yummy, too.

SayItWithWookies May 14, 2012 at 4:04 pm

No wonder he's a creationist — I'm having doubts that a face like that could be a product of evolution myself.

MLHencken May 14, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Obviously jockeying for a position on Marcus' Exploratory Committee.

NYNYNYjr May 14, 2012 at 8:20 pm

Herrs Bachman and Quist are investigating Swiss bathhouses for the summer, to make sure nothing unseemly is going on there.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 14, 2012 at 4:04 pm

So, does it say that Bachmann knows him because Quist has invited her husband along with him for his undercover research?

Lascauxcaveman May 14, 2012 at 6:46 pm

…undercoverS research.

[/fixed]

Joshua Norton May 14, 2012 at 4:04 pm

suggests that the Book of Job be taught as a science lesson:

Oh, good grief. People who are publically holy are always suppressing something in themselves. They compartmentalize it and try to hide it and are the nastiest people to be around.

They basically want to fuck all the men and women in the dirtiest possible way and all the time.

actor212 May 14, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Quist? Great cereal, lousy politician

Baconzgood May 14, 2012 at 4:05 pm

During his time as a state representative, Quist…went undercover at an adult bookstore and a gay bathhouse in an effort to prove to a local newspaper reporter that they had become a ‘haven for anal intercourse.

NOW THAT'S HOW YOU RENT-BOY PEOPLE!

el_donaldo May 14, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Just cold volunteering for the public good and all – that's a, ahem, open and receptive public servant for ya.

actor212 May 14, 2012 at 4:11 pm

I don't believe I've ever seen a politician probed so deeply in his work

BaldarTFlagass May 14, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Then he dropped his trousers and showed off his "Goatse" to reporters. "Do you doubt my word now, boys?"

Lascauxcaveman May 14, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Quist…went undercover at an adult bookstore and a gay bathhouse in an effort to prove to a local newspaper reporter that they had become a ‘haven for anal intercourse.’

Field Trip!

justincasetoo May 15, 2012 at 1:35 am

or maybe just a feel trip…….

PeaceWithHonor May 14, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Watch Allen and Marcus duel to the death for their beard.

el_donaldo May 14, 2012 at 4:05 pm

It sounds like he really enjoys his work!

barto May 14, 2012 at 4:05 pm

I think he meant "heaven", not "haven", but (sorry) just guessing here.

actor212 May 14, 2012 at 4:20 pm

o/~ Haven, I'm in haven, and my heart beats so I can barely speak,
And I seem to find the happiness I seek
When I'm undercover, getting it in the cheeks….o/~

actor212 May 14, 2012 at 4:06 pm

“During his time as a state representative, Quist…went undercover at an adult bookstore and a gay bathhouse in an effort to prove to a local newspaper reporter that they had become a ‘haven for anal intercourse.’”

Look, he sacrificed a lot to prove his point, going back to the bathhouses and bookstores over and over again, making sure that he saw what he thought he saw, because he needed to get his facts straight.

Which is about all that's "straight" in this story…

SayItWithWookies May 14, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Oh, he didn't see it — what with his face buried in the third shelf of paberbacks and all.

actor212 May 14, 2012 at 4:21 pm

That's probably why he made multiple trips. He had to finish his readings first.

CapnFatback May 14, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Well, we've found a name for Bristol's next child: Anal Haven Plain.

starfanglednut May 14, 2012 at 4:08 pm

He says "haven for anal intercourse" like that's a bad thing.

ifthethunderdontgetya May 14, 2012 at 4:08 pm

YABBA DABBA DOO!

/ a gay old time
~

actor212 May 14, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Nicely played, sir….*polite golf clap*

Martini?

Baconzgood May 14, 2012 at 4:18 pm

*Doffs Baconz cap*

Callyson May 14, 2012 at 4:09 pm

The GOP's April nominating convention ended in a stalemate after 23 ballots, meaning the two top candidates have to spend the next three months preparing for the August primary.

Jesus, twenty three chances to nominate anyone else and the MN GOP did not do so?

HempDogbane May 15, 2012 at 12:18 am

This winner was a gubernatorial candidate in the late 80s-early 90s, and along with his creepy wife and their followers, who were known as Quistians, took over a good part of the party at the local and district level. They were the reason I quit my involvement in the Minnesota Republican Party, though it was just caucusing and going to county and district conventions. I was embarrassed to be associated with them. Now they're everywhere, but they've learned to talk about "job creators."

BigSkullF*ckingDog May 14, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Has anyone else seen "human centipede II, the full sequence" Cause he reminds me a lot of that guy.

PuckStopsHere May 14, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Does anal intercourse even need a "haven?" I mean, I can see the need for an Aportionplex, but if we learnt anything at all from Sen. Craig and his fellows it is that anyplace is the right place for anal intercourse.

CapnFatback May 14, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Anal intercourse is a haven unto itself. A self-filling proctology, as it were.

actor212 May 14, 2012 at 4:21 pm

A real pro-fit, eh?

starfanglednut May 14, 2012 at 4:11 pm

To be fair, he went to the gay bathhouse to do his research on dinosaurs. He just confused gay dating with carbon dating

Baconzgood May 14, 2012 at 4:11 pm

So religious colleges in Minnesota are where you go NOT to learn.

V572 Is this him? May 14, 2012 at 4:27 pm

So religious colleges in Minnesota are where you go NOT to learn.

//fixed

There are exceptions, of course.

Chet Kincaid May 14, 2012 at 5:56 pm

Except for the Jesuit joints, where they're always winking their way through the Eucharist.

Negropolis May 14, 2012 at 10:28 pm

Just in Minnesota?

BTW, friends don't let friends go to a college with "Bible" in the name.

Chet Kincaid May 15, 2012 at 1:33 am

It's more a matter of parents "making" than friends "letting."

OurHoboSenator May 14, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Q-U-I-S-T goes into gay bathhouse to rupture intestines.

outragedcitizen May 15, 2012 at 8:11 am

It doesn't look like that old queen has enough dick to rupture anything.

bureaucrap May 14, 2012 at 4:12 pm

"Alert the National Guard!!!! Adults are having consensual intercourse in private!!!! For Shame!!! For Shame!!!!"

V572 Is this him? May 14, 2012 at 4:28 pm

But so long as I can draw a breath or vote or write a letter to the editor, not in MY back yard.

Chet Kincaid May 14, 2012 at 5:59 pm

Have the Hysterics checked? How do they know Homosexuals aren't lodged in their anuses right now?! They are shape-shifting sorcerors with invisibility powers, you know!!

bagofmice May 14, 2012 at 8:34 pm

Given that the word hysteria involves the word hymen?

Callyson May 14, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Quist's almost singular focus on sexuality didn't go unnoticed. "At one point," the St. Petersburg Times reported in 1994, "a Senate leader suggested he had an unhealthy preoccupation with sex, having devoted 30 hours to it in a single session."

Thirty hours? Don't those who manufacture Viagra say you should call a doctor if your erection last longer than four hours? Wimps.

not that Radio May 14, 2012 at 4:30 pm

That's some Tantric-league legislation, right there.

Negropolis May 14, 2012 at 10:30 pm

If you're homophobia lasts for more than four hours…

actor212 May 14, 2012 at 4:12 pm

He looks like what you'd get if Wallace Shawn somehow ended up pregnant with Jabba the Hut's baby.

FlownOver May 14, 2012 at 4:19 pm

My Dinner with Boba Fett?

actor212 May 14, 2012 at 4:29 pm

I stand in slack-jawed awe of this remark.

FlownOver May 14, 2012 at 4:41 pm

How kind of you – particularly as you outrank me by fourteen pees, and with good reason.

SoBeach May 14, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Looks like the evil melting nazi from Raiders of the Lost Ark to me…

SoBeach May 14, 2012 at 4:14 pm

I think we owe the guy a big thank you. Thanks to Quist's investigation men now know to only frequent STRAIGHT bathhouses.

Exhausted66 May 14, 2012 at 4:14 pm

You think Job 41 was bad, wait til Job 43 comes around trying to outdo him. Ugh.

Callyson May 14, 2012 at 4:15 pm

"Unfortunately," (former MN GOP governor Arne) Carlson added, "what was bizarre in the '90s is becoming the centerpiece of this new Republican party."

Couldn't have put it better myself…

actor212 May 14, 2012 at 4:29 pm

This is the saddest part of all this. As progressive and liberal as I am, I don't mind a responsible opposing viewpoint because I simply don't know and can't think of every contingency to whatever "gee, wouldn't that be a nice thing to have?" thought that creeps into my brain and I'd like someone who opposes the idea to have a cogent argument with.

I miss that Republican party.

emmelemm May 14, 2012 at 4:37 pm

I don't miss any Republican party, of any era, but I do miss not finding myself utterly and completely gobsmacked *every single day* at the lunacy on parade. I miss when Repub politics wasn't an absolute race-to-the-floor of stupidity.

Buckminster May 15, 2012 at 1:53 pm

"Unfortunately," (former MN GOP governor Arne) Carlson added, "what was the opinion of a handful of inbred crackers in 1868 is becoming the centerpiece of this new Republican party."

FIFY

Baconzgood May 14, 2012 at 4:15 pm

A Haven for Anal Intercourse? Wasn't that really hard club to get into that was up on 42nd?

Jus_Wonderin May 14, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Honestly, I would love to live in the time of the dinos…IF I wasn't already living in the time of the dinos (with these dumb fucks).

Buckminster May 15, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Dinos, Rinos and winos–a great country, the Yoonited States….

elviouslyqueer May 14, 2012 at 4:16 pm

In one memorable interview, Quist told a British reporter he believed women were "genetically predisposed" to be subservient to men, pointing to, among other things, the behavior of wild animals.

Well, wild animals believe that Quist is genetically predisposed to being a knuckle-dragging, drooling, poop-flinging asshole with the mental capacity of amoebic dysentery.

V572 Is this him? May 14, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Wild animals are also genetically predisposed to urinate, defecate or masturbate wherever they happen to be. So I guess we should do the same.

spinozasgod May 14, 2012 at 6:49 pm

wild animals believe Quist is genetically predisposed to be dinner…..

emmelemm May 14, 2012 at 6:49 pm

Also, aren't there many animals in which the female of the species is the larger/tougher/something… Like Praying Mantises biting their mates' heads off after sex… or are insects not considered animals?

Also, too:

Ben Kingsley: "We decided to make it female so it would be more docile and controllable."

Michael Madsen: "More docile and controllable, eh? You guys don't get out much."

C_R_Eature May 14, 2012 at 9:06 pm

Praying Mantis? Yes. In Sensurround.

Oh – and the females bite the heads off before they copulate.
Foreplay.

doloras May 14, 2012 at 10:22 pm

Hyena females have more testosterone than the males, and therefore clits which are bigger than the boys' dicks, and go around humping the hell out of the menfolk all the time. "Wild animals" are pretty diverse.

C_R_Eature May 15, 2012 at 5:45 am

That's why Hyenas laugh so much.

Judith_Priest May 15, 2012 at 9:29 am

Gee, Mithter Quitht, sometimes wild animals are flagrantly *gay*! There are two feral cats in my neighborhood, both great strapping boys, who just can't get *enough* of each other.

I've had wingnuts tell me, "that isn't about sex; it's about *dominance*!"

Nonsense. They switch. Enthusiastically. And when they're "spent", they spend hours hugging each other, licking each other, and just staring into one another's eyes.

Granted, we *do* live next to West Hollywood. Perhaps the vibe there is contagious.

NorbertsRevenge May 14, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Dungholes and Dragons!

vodkamuppet May 14, 2012 at 4:17 pm

So he's running on a platform of gay bathhouse exploration and shit he learned from watching Ancient Aliens on the History Channel. WIN.

actor212 May 14, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Is that the program with the Greek guy with the weird hair, Tsoukalos?

vodkamuppet May 14, 2012 at 5:11 pm

Yes it is, and I'll bet that's where he got the stegosaurus thing. They did an episode on the temple he's talking about. No where in that episode was it mentioned that dinosaur fossils (dragon bones) have been ground up into a powder and used as medicine in Asia for thousands of years and still are today. That just wouldn't make as much sense as "Jesus rode a stegosaurus everywhere, it's in the bible, look it up!"

actor212 May 14, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Bethany Lutheran College in Mankato, Minnesota

Really? Apparently, some of the student activities include "Raking gays off school grounds" and "Burn the Jew"

MadBrahms May 14, 2012 at 5:32 pm

The Most Dangerous Game is a good activity for the Cross Terrain Sports Club.

Buckminster May 15, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Dang it, actor212, that was my spankin' clean computer screen until about 2 seconds ago. Remind me not to read Wonkette while I'm drinking coffee.

stncmchnc May 14, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Gollum certainly can rock the blazer, and dicky.

actor212 May 14, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Well, the dicky we could guess at.

Baconzgood May 14, 2012 at 4:19 pm

I wish the lil lady was a haven for anal intercourse but she sais it stings too much.

BaldarTFlagass May 14, 2012 at 4:25 pm

What, you got one with a barb on it?

Baconzgood May 14, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Like a cat.

BaldarTFlagass May 14, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Friendly tip, stop using Vicks Vapo Rub for lubricant.

Tundra Grifter May 14, 2012 at 5:00 pm

Tiger Balm.

Chet Kincaid May 14, 2012 at 6:04 pm

Does Jeff know?!

poorgradstudent May 14, 2012 at 4:26 pm

I've been hoping we'd see another Endless Cummer.

Come here a minute May 14, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Allen Quist is as queer as a thirteen-sided die.

SorosBot May 14, 2012 at 4:28 pm

I'd like to have a trained Triceratops to ride around the city.

Fukui-sanRadioBarb May 14, 2012 at 4:38 pm

and a plesiosaur for the ocean

owhatever May 14, 2012 at 4:28 pm

The picture carved in the viewing room of the adult bookstore was of a SuperCock, with a hole for a mouth, from which a thick, fleshy thing emerged periodically and dripped liquids that tasted like salty milk, Quist reported to the reporter.

OneYieldRegular May 14, 2012 at 4:29 pm

"Allen Quist is a gay bathhouse troll who loves dragons."

This certainly challenges my understanding of what "Dungeons and Dragons" is all about.

And seriously, "Quist"? I foresee limitless limerick possibilities…

NYNYNYjr May 14, 2012 at 11:11 pm

He has dual citizenship in both gaysville and nerd town.

Chet Kincaid May 14, 2012 at 4:47 pm

I need read no further: that is perhaps The Perfect Wonkette Headline.

Graham Cracker May 14, 2012 at 4:50 pm

I applaud Quist for having the courage to get to the bottom of this matter. He will be the winner in the end.

starfanglednut May 14, 2012 at 5:18 pm

I can totally get behind this comment.

BipolarBadger May 14, 2012 at 11:32 pm

He sure looks like a bottom to me.

Chet Kincaid May 14, 2012 at 4:51 pm

To quote The Greatest Sitcom Ever: "There's enough material there for an entire conference."

Judith_Priest May 15, 2012 at 9:32 am

Fawlty Towers!

Chet Kincaid May 16, 2012 at 9:44 am

"Brahm's Third Racket!!"

pinkocommi May 14, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Dinosaurs and people are alive at the same time. If by 'dinosaur' you mean idiots like Quist.

gurukalehuru May 14, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Intellectual firepower=flaming idiot

Chet Kincaid May 14, 2012 at 4:54 pm

And the lisp is already built into his surname! His luggage-carrier starts blogging in 5, 4, 3….

anniegetyerfun May 14, 2012 at 4:58 pm

This is pretty much the same line of reasoning I have to provide when I end up making out with women. It's "for research into the gay agenda, honey", I always say.

starfanglednut May 14, 2012 at 5:19 pm

That gay agenda must be researched veerrrrryyy thoroughly.

anniegetyerfun May 14, 2012 at 6:18 pm

You really have to dive in there, you know? Head first.

Chet Kincaid May 14, 2012 at 6:07 pm

I believe I have time to authenticate your research, if you intend to publish. Just burn the videos to a DVD and send it to me.

Chet Kincaid May 14, 2012 at 5:00 pm

A ringing endorsement from Michele Bachmann? One gets the impression that all of her intellectual heroes and mentors come from Marcus's circle of associates. "Friends Of 'Chely," as they are known in the region.

Spurning Beer May 14, 2012 at 5:00 pm

Really, Michele? This is intellectual firepower?

I don't know how to be funny about this. Professor Quist is subject to satire, but you are way past that point, baby doll.

Tundra Grifter May 14, 2012 at 5:04 pm

"Undercover Gay Bathhouse Spy" sounds like a hit cable tv show.

NYNYNYjr May 14, 2012 at 11:13 pm

Undercover closeted gay bathhouse troll.

chascates May 14, 2012 at 5:20 pm

I once saw a really incredible drawing of a UFO so I'm assuming the artist actually saw the UFO and that Jesus was probably the pilot of it.

pdiddycornchips May 14, 2012 at 5:27 pm

How can a state that is home to both Garrison Keillor and Prince keep electing outright doofuses? I mean, in the south, I can sort of understand the idiocy. The south has a long storied history of ignorance and intolerance but Minnesota has no such excuse.

Dudleydidwrong May 14, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Long winters, backward religions, and lutefisk–those are the Unholy Trinity of Minnesota (and Wisconsin) political lunacy.

bagofmice May 14, 2012 at 8:37 pm

Thor libel!!!

spinozasgod May 14, 2012 at 7:07 pm

as in wisconsin(and most other states) outside of it's cities Minnesota lands are occupied by ignorant, deranged, crazy people known as white christians.

Negropolis May 14, 2012 at 10:39 pm

Well, this is the same state that gives you Jesse Ventura, Paul Wellstone, and then Norm Coleman and Al Franken, so they are kind of quintessentially bi-polar.

Chet Kincaid May 15, 2012 at 1:32 am

There's a little matter of fucking with the Indians, all over the Great Lakes. And come on, no part of America has a monopoly on ignorance and intolerance, now, or in the past.

MadBrahms May 14, 2012 at 5:29 pm

Is it worse that he references the bible or that he references SyFy? Wake me up when he gets to Sharktopus.

pdiddycornchips May 14, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Okay, Admin, why are my comments getting deleted? No death threats, nothing about the mentally challenged, no rules violations as far as I can tell.

How can a state that is home to Garrison Keillor and Prince keep electing such outright incompetents? How does that statement get deleted?

spinozasgod May 14, 2012 at 7:09 pm

you keep forgetting Al Frankin….

rickmaci May 14, 2012 at 6:07 pm

Maybe he and Marcus Bachmann can get together to search for pink unicorns.

Wile E. Quixote May 14, 2012 at 6:13 pm

"Allen West" + "Queer" = "Allen Quist""

ShreditorsDesk May 14, 2012 at 6:20 pm

This guy is a theme park in the making!

Biel_ze_Bubba May 14, 2012 at 6:24 pm

Yep … if an artist pioctured it, it proves he's seen it.
Which makes you wonder where the hell Hieronymus Bosch grew up.

Judith_Priest May 15, 2012 at 9:36 am

Burning Man! I swear, one panel of that triptych just *screams* Black Rock City.

Not that I would know anything about that.

moar_plz May 14, 2012 at 6:29 pm

I'll bet he's got over 100,000 hours of research on gay porn 'under his belt' too. Hoyo! See whattadid there?!

mrblifil May 14, 2012 at 6:34 pm

He's also the resident expert on Tom of Finland.

Troglodeity May 14, 2012 at 6:39 pm

An "EFFORT to prove" that gay bathhouses are "a haven for anal intercourse"? What, you're going to leave us just hanging there as to whether or not they actually ARE?

Biel_ze_Bubba May 15, 2012 at 2:07 pm

He's found it a fasscinating topic, so his "efforts" continue.

missannthropethefirst May 14, 2012 at 6:44 pm

So if he discovers evidence for the Invisible Pink Unicorn, does he lose his faith? Or does he just hit the bathhouse for a celebration round?

spinozasgod May 14, 2012 at 6:55 pm

From the professor's school website:

Royal Society of Bethany Scientists | Advisor: Chad Heins
The Royal Society of Bethany Scientists is the science club on the Bethany campus. Members are typically majoring in mathematics, chemistry, or biology though we have had other interested students join us. The group organizes science-related events including fieldtrips and guest speakers. Past speakers have talked to students about graduate studies, medical school, and undergraduate research opportunities.

a science club? a fieldtrip to the creation museum perhaps?

johnnymeatworth May 14, 2012 at 7:45 pm

So he probably teaches about how Joshua legislated against the supercrocs at Jericho and the walls came a-tumblin' down in his Intro to PoliSci class, huh?

johnnymeatworth May 14, 2012 at 7:48 pm

He probably also teaches the story about how Fred and Barney denied three times that Jesus was a member of the Loyal Order of Water Buffalos.

Neoyorquino May 14, 2012 at 9:18 pm

Allen Quist is a picture-perfect description of a super crock.

Negropolis May 14, 2012 at 10:28 pm

I don't know, this Quist sounds like someone who shares my values, but John Travolta has better name recognition…

unclejeems May 14, 2012 at 10:51 pm

Adjunct professor? Jeesh, what a couple of grad courses like biblical literacy and eschatology from Liberty U will get a guy these days. Big time, Mr. Quist, biiiiiiiig time.

wonkettelover May 14, 2012 at 11:22 pm

Best headline since "Headless Body in Topless Bar".

BipolarBadger May 14, 2012 at 11:30 pm

She really loves the closet queens. Michelle is the President of Beards!

GregComlish May 15, 2012 at 12:01 am

God was the original Job creator

MiniMencken May 15, 2012 at 2:27 am

A haven for anal intercourse? Pictures or it didn't happen, Allen.

lisawines May 15, 2012 at 3:18 am

Quist's campaign advisers decided that it would be strategic for him to admit, early in the campaign, that he regularly visits gay bath houses and book stores but they decided to make it look like it was an undercover operation. Oh how I wish this becomes a clarion call for all the guys that he 'met' during his 'research' to go public with what he was really doing in there.

ttommyunger May 15, 2012 at 8:45 am

Hard to believe, he looks so normal.

KenLayIsAlive May 15, 2012 at 10:57 am

"These bath houses are meant for one thing and one thing only – heavenly anal intercourse. Wait, no I mean A HAVEN FOR ANAL INTERCOURSE. Wow, I haven't had this many slips of the tongue since I was investigating the glory hole scene in La Crosse. Those holes aren't for passing rolled up paper messages to the next stall people! They are actually places where OH GOD I LOVE TO SUCK COCKS…I mean places where gay sex takes place."

Tommy1733 May 15, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Why is it acceptable for dimwits like this guy and Bachmann to be free to practice their stupidity on our land? To actively harm our children's education? To publicly work to suppress the actions of others? I'll tell you one thing, people like him are the reason Christianity is headed for the dustbin of history. Too bad too, because there is a lot of good things there, but with mudheads like this guy leading the way they are just going to continue to alienated young people.

I call for an end to religious schools.

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