DoctorsExciting news for any of you who hate medical care and socialism! The Republicans in Congress are working with America’s Next Top President Mitt Romney to coordinate a plan for what will be in their bills replacing Obamakkkare!

The GOP took control of the House last year promising to “repeal and replace” Mr. Obama’s signature health law. So far, House Republicans have held dozens of votes on repeal, but they have yet to produce a broad replacement bill that would try to boost coverage without resorting to the mandate to buy insurance that Mr. Obama’s plan employs — a mandate that is now the subject of a Supreme Court challenge.

That is all very interesting (not really), but we wonder what will be in their modest package of bills? Great things, or the GREATEST things?

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  • nounverb911

    Trading chickens for prescriptions?

  • SorosBot

    I'll tell you what won't be in the GOP health care reform bill: anything that actually makes our fucked up health care system better.

    • That's cheating!

      Say, listen, there's a spot open on the GOP ticket for a bright thinker like yourself….

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Former Rep Alan Grayson (D-FL) already told us what the GOP healthcare plan would be:

      1) Don't get sick
      2) If you do get sick, die quickly

    • tessiee

      Better for the insurance companies and pharmaceutical companies, maybe.

  • V572 Is this him?

    Finally, we're talking about what the voters really care about: how to get rid of job-killing Obamacare and replace it with a gift card worth $15K. That'll be great if you never get sick.

    I wouldn't wish illness on anybody*, but it's awfully goddam irritating when some person whose never been sick or had a family member stricken by multiple myeloma or lung cancer or any other disease that strikes randomly says, "I'm okay with my health care as it is. I only have a $5 copay when I take Tyler to the pediatrician."
    *because we're not allowed to anymore

    • BerkeleyBear

      Yep – until you've played pre-existing condition and/or lifetime cap lotto, you really don't know how critical the insurance reforms in the ACA are. It completely messes with your head to have to consider whether your child's treatments will be cut off if you change jobs or move.

    • IonaTrailer

      Well, I wouldn't wish sickness on anybody either, but I might recommend a retro-active abortion for SOME folks….

  • Serolf_Divad

    What's the opposite of "Death Panels?"

    • Life Holes!

      • Vaginas?

        I know they bring me back to life.

    • Chichikovovich

      Immortal Aluminum Siding

    • Birther Boards?

    • Wainscotting

      • nounverb911

        How architectural.

        • It turns a rec room into a study.

      • tessiee

        What, those ruffled shirts with a vest?

        • Don't be making fun of my loungewear….

    • WhatTheHeck

      Life under Republican rule. And by “Life” I mean life sentence.

    • Life, Death.. ought to have a sliding scale, like the Kinsey scale.
      Maybe I've just been seeing too many previews of that Burton film. But I'm starting to wonder if my nocturnal-heavy waking hours seem less surrealistic now and more given as inexorable, though the result is by morning come worktime I might as well be the walking dead.

    • sullivanst

      The opposite of scare-quotes "Death Panels" is actual death panels. And, yes, those are in the Republican alternative, they're called "deregulated insurers".

      • __kth__

        Freedom* Lotteries!

        *from life

    • Hunger Games

    • smitallica

      The truth?

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Poor houses!

    Please Sir, can I have some more band-aids for my cancer?

  • Tengu

    Same as every other GOP program, bleeding the public then applying leeches.

    • And back to wooden false teeth like Georgie used to wear.

      • nounverb911

        Bush wore falsies?

        • The elder for sure. Shrub keeps looking at getting a serious grill.

      • DaRooster

        Hey, I can whittle some…

        • tessiee

          I have a better use for that knife.

          • DaRooster

            I can whittle some of that too…

    • swordfis

      Leeches are far more medically useful than the entire Republican congress. And prettier too.

  • freakishlywrong

    Just in time for the 80/20 rebates to kick in August. You have to watch these gnarly little fuckers.

  • The "Shut the fuck up and die already, you stupid sick assholes" Mandate.

  • hagajim

    I figure they'll try to replace Obamacare with a giant foam finger for America – the middle one that is.

  • GuanoFaucet

    Ice floes.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    We're all going to die. I mean, earlier than we should.

    • V572 Is this him?

      I always laugh (inwardly) when someone says a person "died prematurely." How do you know?

    • UnholyMoses

      "That which does not kill me only postpones the inevitable."

      • tessiee

        That which does not kill me only maims me for life. — Me, when depressed

    • tessiee

      Bart: We're going to die, Lis.
      Lisa: I know, Bart.
      Bart: I meant, tonight.
      Lisa: So did I.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Neighbors bringing casseroles.

  • freakishlywrong

    That survey. Was it supposed to be sarcastic?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Seems pretty realistic to me.

      • el_donaldo

        While it had the appropriate number of "tax cuts," it would need about twenty more "tort reforms" to make it accurate. Plus an extra sharia ban for flavor.

        • nounverb911

          Does it ban the ten commandments too?

        • tessiee

          And the dismantling of corporate regulations, assuming any are still left.

          • Surely it's supposed to funnel all the profits from insurance companies not paying for care into the pockets of Job Creators.

    • Texan_Bulldog

      I think the appropriate box to check would have been "All of them, Katie".

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I assumed it was the actual GOP poll of their teabagger representatives … until I saw that 'nothing whatsoever' was not a choice.

  • el_donaldo

    Zombie doctors! They'll work for brains.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Is there a co-pay? Because the teabaggers might not get any health care at all.

      • el_donaldo

        I believe zombie doctors will accept brains prepared with hamburger helper, mushroom soup, or jello.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    OT but…
    I went to the head shop Saturday. I wanted to see if they had one closer to my house than the one I normally visit, so I googled the name. They are very into Ron Paul, but you can guess why. So I noticed a recent review of the place, I guess some Paul-fan went in to express solidarity with them due to their large Ron Paul for President signs out front. Boy did he get a surprise.

    "john ‎ – (one star) 2 weeks ago
    This store is run by the lowest level of humanity. They are welfare recipients and communists. They believe in redistribution of wealth and they only support Ron Paul because he wants to legalize pot. They supported obama, now Ron Paul. Isn't their ignorance proof that drugs can affect judgement."

    So, I went on down there and picked up my supplies, and in passing asked them if they had seen their recent review on Google. Indeed they had, and it was a great source of mirth and merriment for them.

    • MrFizzy

      That is really excellent – covers about ten topics in one paragraph, including the apparent inability of your average Ron Paul supporter to create logical connections among thoughts. It is tough.

    • tessiee

      It always tickles me when some right-wing ass refers to the rest of us as "communists". The only way they could be more behind the times is if they were swinging a caveman club. Ronnie Raygun was doing this 30 years ago, and it was silly and dated even then, as though his worldview came from a 1947 issue of "Boy's Life", which it probably did.

  • Baconzgood

    I don't see nuking North Korea in there.

    • Callyson

      Last year's flavor. This year, Iran is in vogue again. But watch for the sleeper North Koreans in 2013…

    • Steverino247

      We're not going to nuke North Korea. What could we possibly do to North Korea that they aren't already doing to themselves?

      Besides, the fall out would cover Japan and that would not do.

      • doloras

        It would also cover SOUTH Korea. Which is the main reason why the North won't nuke the South or Japan, although they'd love to drop a few non-nukes on Japan if they could.

  • Patients will be just the right height, or they'll be denied coverage.

  • Goonemeritus

    I think we can already see the bold direction of the GOP’s plan. Massive cost saving will be garnered by eliminating all unnecessary procedures such as treating women.

    • That is what they would actually do if they though they could get away with it. exceptions would be made for rich, white blond women.

      • PubOption

        They would get free botox.

  • Chichikovovich

    Let's just replace it with Romneycare and move on.

    • HA!

    • tessiee

      Where "Romneycare" = 0, or where "Romneycare" = Leaving Obamacare as is and taking credit for anything that goes right?

  • Physician-assisted shoo-aside.

  • WhatTheHeck

    Doctors without Patients.

  • Boehner pills.

    • nounverb911

      Do they make you orange?

    • Is that what they sprayed in Vietnam – Agent Orange?

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Tax cuts for embryos wasn't on the list?

    • tessiee

      Those little freeloaders already get their room and board subsidized for nine months. Why, if it impacted anybody but women whores, it would be a scandal.

    • tessiee

      Hey, I remembered how to do the strikethrough thing!


    • Veritas78

      Tax Cuts For Embryos is the bumper sticker for this election.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Every American will get two aspirin, a mirror and a scalpel. The aspirin is for minor pain, like a ruptured appendix or broken leg — the mirror and scalpel will be for self-treatment if surgery is needed. The Chilton manual costs extra, but it's worth it.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Also, the aspirin can be used as birth control in a pinch.

      • Veritas78

        …thus contributing to the ongoing problem of First Aid Kits Without Any Useful Stuff.

        Tons of ammonia ampules and sling canvases, but no cyanide pills.

    • SorosBot

      I thought the aspirin was to stick between you knees, for birth control.

      • MissTaken

        That only works for women. Men can use aspirin to relieve the pain of the STDs they'll catch from all the hookers they'll bang because the good girls keep aspirin between their knees.

    • V572 Is this him?

      So is NAPA going to branch out into body parts now?

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Watch out for those cheap Chinese imports.

      • SayItWithWookies

        Sure, why not? With the risk of septic infection, it's a market that creates its own demand, which also has the bonus of following most auto shops' business models — in very much the same way that whenever you take your car in for service, they always find something extra to fix. "Hey, while I'm replacing your ACL, it looks like you could use some work on that spleen," kinda thing.

  • DaRooster

    "The GOP took control of the House…"

    Uh… yeah, control… is that what they're calling it these days?

  • MissTaken

    Welcome to the jungle baby
    You're gonna die.

    • SorosBot

      So now you're the one sticking songs in my head.

      • That's a form of skullfucking I am not familiar with…

  • EatsBabyDingos

    There will be an appropriation for one copy of "Chicken Soup for the Lost Soul" that will be passed around the great unwashed and unhealed. It will be purchased from UnitedGlaxoPharmaAMA, and will cost thirteen trillion dollars. And it will be made from the hides of trial lawyers.

  • mavenmaven

    1. Prayer!
    2. More unneeded wars to kill off more of our own young who won't then drain the system when they get older.
    3. Dismemberment of the FDA, etc, to achieve more of point 2.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    More faith based healing please. Pray away the cancer! And the herpes!

    • Clap, clap, clap…

      • BigSkullF*ckingDog

        Sorry, the clap is punishment for having sex and you must suffer through it and spread it unto as many sluts as you can. It's in the bible, look it up!

  • Chichikovovich

    Abstinence-only maternity care?

    • Which brings up one that should also have been on the list: mandatory roofies for all female patients.

      • tessiee


  • ThundercatHo

    Rmoney knows people who own their own hospitals.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    I guess if we all wear the Magic Underwear we will be immune from disease, death & hardship. Looks like it's working pretty well for the Romneys and Osmonds (last I saw, there were about 300 Osmond offspring).

    • Lascauxcaveman

      I think you may be erroneously finding causality there. Another thing Romneys and Osmonds have in common (other than the fancy pants) is great huge buckets of money.

  • MissTaken

    Everyone knows that you can cure anything with a bowl of grandma's chicken soup and rubbing some dirt on it.

    • Except glaucoma and the side effects of chemotherapy.

      Those require chicken pot pie.

    • UnholyMoses

      Doesn't work so well with Teh Herpes.

      Or, uh, so a friend tells me.

    • IonaTrailer

      6 second rule applies to dropped surgical equipment

      • After that you have to kiss it up to the sky.

  • JackDempsey1

    1. Rename the Mississippi River the New Ganges
    2. Allow riverboat casinos to double as floating crematoria.
    3. Tax break for whatever.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I think there is a grand baby-boomer conspiracy to re-introduce the small pox virus in an attempt to kill off the unvaccinated, ie anyone younger than them.

  • MissTaken

    Under GOP healthcare laws Grey's Anatomy will be required watching in med school. Sure they won't learn anything about healing, but they'll know a lot about sexual healing.

    • SorosBot

      I've never seen the show, but isn't it just doctors sexing each other instead of treating patients?

      • MissTaken

        I saw it the first couple of seasons, and yes, it's just doctors having sex. Well, sometimes the doctors get shot and then they have the sex. But you get the point.

    • tessiee

      As far as I can tell from the commercials for "House", their hospital is run by a scruffy guy yelling at everybody. That doesn't seem like it would cost very much. There are scruffy guys yelling at everybody on every downtown street in most good-sized cities.

  • chicken_thief

    The only road to success is paved with complete deregulation of the health care industry – from big Pharma to hospitals.

    As for tax cuts – not good enough!! Needz complete and total abolition of all taxes for all corporations and people related to the industry.

    Once we get those two things done, America will once again have the greatest health care on earth. Ever.

    USA!!! USA!!! USA!!!

  • edgydrifter


  • ttommyunger

    No one, R or D is willing to speak the unspeakable; no real reform can come about without the elimination of the bloated and inefficient middle-man: the Insurance Companies. National Healthcare can work, but not with money-hungry green shaders calling the shots.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Actually, that's pretty much what every legislator who called for a Public Option was saying. There were a few of them.

      • ttommyunger

        Very few, and very unreported.

        • Lascauxcaveman

          Back when they were bangin' this Obamacare thing together they had no less than forty-one US Senators pushing to get a public option put in it.

          Not a terrible start. Of course that's when we had a majority in both houses.

          • ttommyunger

            Call me a cynic, but I think the fix was in against Pub Opt. from the git-go, Dems & R's.

  • flamingpdog

    Christine O'Donnell doctors.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    I voted for the 'transvaginal ultrasounds' because…Jobs!!!!!!!!!!
    And because I don't have a vagina, alas.

    • Steverino247

      Nor do you desire access to one–ever–if you voted for transvaginal ultrasounds.

      • Blueb4sunrise

        If such things are based on my comments here, I am indeed in big trouble. 'But it was SNARK', will only go so far.

        • Steverino247

          Oh, it was snark? OK.

          Ladies! Blueb4sunrise is certified Vaginally Safe. Yes, your vagina will be gently used (pre-owned?) and you'll be a better woman for it.

    • ALEC will figure out some reason why you need to have a TransManginal Ultrasound soon enough, for whatever reason. It's all in the Model Legislation, coming to a statehouse near you.

  • PeaceWithHonor

    Free knee aspirin

    • Can't be free. That would make aspirin a gateway drug to moar sexing.

      • tessiee

        Also can't be free because teh soshulismz.

  • These overworked, and BigPharma/ Insurance-battered, practitioners of the health profession are missing the trending wave if they don't recognize one's best bet for area of medicine is veterinary. I hear tell there's a new threat for existing cats and other pets expected to experience all-time record-breaking encounters with a generation of humans extra populated with sadistic, callous-unemotionals. We'll see more outcry for humanist vets to tend to defenseless critters sooner than for better psychotic treatment to committers of indefensible acts.

    • SayItWithWookies

      The psychopaths will enjoy having a bigger safety net — that'll give them more stuff to cut through to satisfy their curiousity about what it would be like to watch someone go splat.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Not much future in it, after the starving masses have eaten all the dogs and cats.

  • Callyson

    What Will Be In The New GOP Health Care Reform Plan?

    Subsidies for drug companies to lower the cost of the prescription drugs we'll all need if the freaks take even more control of Washington…

  • flamingpdog

    Rethugliklans will replace Obamacare with Idon'tcare™.

  • Generation[redacted]

    The GOP won't be able finalize their reform plan until they finish watching the House marathon. Hopefully by June.

  • RGHunt57

    Free haircuts for gays with gay haircuts!

  • UnholyMoses

    You forgot "Get sick and die" as an option—that is, after all, the GOP's actual plan.

    • freakishlywrong

      For which I've yet to hear any of the very serious people apologize to Alan Grayson. Haaarumph!

    • keinsignal

      Except the GOP will call it "FREEDOM!!!! (to get sick and die)"

  • spends2much

    The house plan will be very comprehensive:

    1) Earn enough money to pay doctors millions of dollars should you be weak enough to get sick, though you won't probably, because you are a wicked millionaire.
    2) If you fail at #1, pray to Jeebus. White Blonde Supply Side Jeebus.
    3) If you fail at #2, please die in a gutter (in a bad neighbourhood, obvs)

    • tessiee

      2-a) If you are a woman-american, no abortions, no birth control, no health care of any kind, so you can have lots of babbys for cheap labor/cannon fodder/future consumers, but who are little welfare moochers until then — and also, to punish you for being a dirty, dirty whore.

  • barto

    You forgot zygote personhood.

    • Don't forget miscarriage personhood – You MURDERERS!

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Maybe they'll outsource the entire health-care industry to Canada. Getting emergency care in Arizona, Florida, and Texas will sort of suck — but I'm OK with that.

  • calliecallie

    Get sick and diet, also. Obesity crisis ended.

  • Free diapers for when you need to show your Domina that you made a nasty.

  • Slim_Pickins

    Deregulation, it works for everything else. Why should doctors be licensed anyway? What about freedum? This would allow folk medicine and other traditional therapies. After all if it was good enough for the Founding Fathers, its good enough for us.

  • ElPinche
    • freakishlywrong

      I checked all of 'em, ElPinche.

  • Eve8Apples

    Free guns and bullets and a how-to suicide instructional DVD for the poor, the elderly, the sick and the disabled.

    • PubOption

      I can see the Republicans going for that, just as long as there is no death panel to administer the scheme.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Only homos get sick, so it's okay.

  • Eve8Apples

    Harvesting internal organs from poor people and donating them to millionaires and billionaires.

  • tessiee

    On the plus side, they *will* give bigger cages to the pigs.

    • MadBrahms

      On the downside, new legislation will classify all citizens making less than $200,000 a year as pigs.

  • TootsStansbury

    Your imaginary surgeon will have steady invisible hands.

  • owhatever

    To cover the cost of minimal medical service offered at the local Christian church (prayer and baptism included), Republicans will eliminate all government assistance to the poor, sick and oldz and give the money to Jamie Dimon to invest. When they die, the Mormons will baptize them again. Win-Win.

  • Guppy

    You forgot "implementing Sharia Law, under a different name."

  • Slim_Pickins

    Since hospice care is often fatal, we should eliminate it.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    "What Will Be In The GOP's Health Care Reform Plan?"

    Asking for the birth certificate.

  • FraAnima

    I would like to have Sandra Oh's nipples included in my health care plan please.

  • vodkamuppet

    [ ] Needz moar guns

  • MadBrahms

    Thank you for letting us choose more than one. It really IS all of them, Katie.

    Also, helping the Canadians build a wall to keep the fleeing masses from storming the border.

    • Fuck Toad

      Upfisted for using the same joke I was going to.

  • Millennial Malaise

    Don't forget that bake sales and charities will pay for everyone's medical bills also too.

  • DahBoner

    Tax cuts for Billionaires, which causes them in invest in $500 million dollar Gee Whiz Laser Controlled medical gadgets.

    Which insurance companies won't pay a dime more to use on you, so hospitals just raise the price of everything else, which your insurance company won't pay more for either.

    Which means YOU pay more for health care….

  • The main debate is whether to only go with a self-payer system, or to keep the current insurance scheme, but remove the existing pubic options.

  • Isyaignert

    1. Don't get sick
    2. If you get sick, die quickly

  • Isyaignert

    Fukkin' RUWANDA has health care for everyone! RU fukkin' WANDA!! And CHINA fukkin' CHINA!!! FUKKK!!!

  • didgen

    I get very irritated when this subject comes up. After working for more than 30 years as an ER, critical care and transplant RN I think I have some insight here. I believe the last number I saw was 39 billion as the amount that hospitals have had to eat for unpaid services. What I did see were the poorest people often illegals bringing in $5 or $10 bucks at the time of service, and quite often continuing to do so until their bill was paid. These dumbasses that don't have any idea of what to do, except repeat we don't want or need healthcare, need to come to work and personally decide who gets help. Ah, perhaps not, they are the ones who show up in the ER for treatment of chapped lips, this person actually came back a week later because the chapstick hadn't helped.

  • didgen

    Please forgive my almost snark free rant.

  • They will not replace ObamaCare with anything. I mean, they have their Government supplied health care for life so why would they give a shit about the rest of the country?

  • ttommyunger

    Lots & lots of prayer, preferably out loud, unintelligible and rolling around on the floor….Lots of rolling around on the floor.

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