Sure, Obama pushed a little girl in elementary school, and reflected on it and felt bad about it from that day forward; and Romney was such an entitled jerk, always picking on loners and other weak kids that could be culled from the herd, that all his old chums, when contacted by his campaign to stand as surrogates in the recent unpleasantness, said “no thank you, fellows, that guy was a DICK.” But what was Old Handsome Joe doing in his Scranton days? Cold punching people in the face if they made fun of his stutter, no warning, no dancing around with his dukes up, just POW RIGHT IN THE KISSER.
So it is clearly very terrible that we love Joey Biden even more intensely (as if that were even possible!), having read this column-length pout about the unfairness of it all from Commentary. What else did Joey do besides kicking ass constantly? He kicked ass for others!
What else, Commentary, should the Washington Post be investigating?
From the book What It Takes: The Way to the White House, a story of the 1988 presidential election by reporter Richard Ben Cramer, a troubling snapshot of young Biden emerges:
Even after he left, after Mr. Biden got the job selling cars in Wilmington and moved the family away, Charlie Roth would still (in moments of duress) tell guys that his friend Joey Biden would come back and beat them up, if they didn’t watch out. (When Joe did come back, Charlie always had a list.)
A list of children to beat up! That means there are documents, assuming they haven’t already been destroyed. WaPo could find this list and potentially interview the victims. Surely there are some stories there that could give us crucial insight into these vaguely sociopathic flare-ups.
That does sound vaguely sociopathic, almost as if Joey Biden took it upon himself to protect weaker kids from bullies! And as we all know, protecting kids from bullies is the real bullying, just as pointing out when something is racist is the real racism. QED!
What other things will make you even hotter for Ol’ Gaffey Joe? He planned pranks that were actually super-charming and interesting, for one! Did he break windows or leave bags of poo on an old man’s doorstep? No! He and his crew of miscreants planted a forest of saplings in the old man’s front yard instead — needing planning, stamina, and a willingness to dig holes and transfer trees all goddamn night. Brilliant! And enviromentally active decades before Silent Spring!
Bitch some more, Commentary!
But there’s more. According to What It Takes, Biden apparently also led neighborhood boys in carrying out what he would call “pranks” – and what current law might call “willful and malicious destruction of property” – against an innocent elderly neighbor:
Joe always had an idea. … If their notion of a summer evening’s prank was to put a bag of dogshit on old man Schutz’s doorstep, Joey would say, “No, here’s what we’ll do. You know behind my house, where they got all those little trees? Get a shovel …” And they did: they went out with shovels and planted a forest of saplings on Mr. Schutz’s lawn. It was so much more elaborate—all thought out, the way Joey had it figured.
OMG, so best! Now, never let it be said that Your Wonkette does not understand attempted irony when we read it, even when so poorly done. And we certainly understand that the intent behind this fine column was to make us realize how badly poor Mitt Romney was treated this week — one could even call it a Lord of the Flies-style Piggy roast! — and how these youthful hijinks of Joe Biden could be equally spun. (At least we hope so, but it’s Commentary, so then probably not.)
Unfortunately, you are all thinking adults, and so able to intuit the difference between Young Master Willard’s gross history (but more importantly, his giggling while apologizing and his total lack of reflection) and BITCHEN JOE BEIN’ BITCHEN! Commentary, thanks for making Scrappy Joe even fuckin’ MORE BEST in our hearts than he already was, and Scrappy had already had a BEST of a week. Oh well, Commentary, better luck next time! [Commentary]