Kicking your ass ... with love!Sure, Obama pushed a little girl in elementary school, and reflected on it and felt bad about it from that day forward; and Romney was such an entitled jerk, always picking on loners and other weak kids that could be culled from the herd, that all his old chums, when contacted by his campaign to stand as surrogates in the recent unpleasantness, said “no thank you, fellows, that guy was a DICK.” But what was Old Handsome Joe doing in his Scranton days? Cold punching people in the face if they made fun of his stutter, no warning, no dancing around with his dukes up, just POW RIGHT IN THE KISSER.

So it is clearly very terrible that we love Joey Biden even more intensely (as if that were even possible!), having read this column-length pout about the unfairness of it all from Commentary. What else did Joey do besides kicking ass constantly? He kicked ass for others!

What else, Commentary, should the Washington Post be investigating?

From the book What It Takes: The Way to the White House, a story of the 1988 presidential election by reporter Richard Ben Cramer, a troubling snapshot of young Biden emerges:

Even after he left, after Mr. Biden got the job selling cars in Wilmington and moved the family away, Charlie Roth would still (in moments of duress) tell guys that his friend Joey Biden would come back and beat them up, if they didn’t watch out. (When Joe did come back, Charlie always had a list.)

A list of children to beat up! That means there are documents, assuming they haven’t already been destroyed. WaPo could find this list and potentially interview the victims. Surely there are some stories there that could give us crucial insight into these vaguely sociopathic flare-ups.

That does sound vaguely sociopathic, almost as if Joey Biden took it upon himself to protect weaker kids from bullies! And as we all know, protecting kids from bullies is the real bullying, just as pointing out when something is racist is the real racism. QED!

What other things will make you even hotter for Ol’ Gaffey Joe? He planned pranks that were actually super-charming and interesting, for one! Did he break windows or leave bags of poo on an old man’s doorstep? No! He and his crew of miscreants planted a forest of saplings in the old man’s front yard instead — needing planning, stamina, and a willingness to dig holes and transfer trees all goddamn night. Brilliant! And enviromentally active decades before Silent Spring!

Bitch some more, Commentary!

But there’s more. According to What It Takes, Biden apparently also led neighborhood boys in carrying out what he would call “pranks” – and what current law might call “willful and malicious destruction of property” – against an innocent elderly neighbor:

Joe always had an idea. … If their notion of a summer evening’s prank was to put a bag of dogshit on old man Schutz’s doorstep, Joey would say, “No, here’s what we’ll do. You know behind my house, where they got all those little trees? Get a shovel …” And they did: they went out with shovels and planted a forest of saplings on Mr. Schutz’s lawn. It was so much more elaborate—all thought out, the way Joey had it figured.

OMG, so best! Now, never let it be said that Your Wonkette does not understand attempted irony when we read it, even when so poorly done. And we certainly understand that the intent behind this fine column was to make us realize how badly poor Mitt Romney was treated this week — one could even call it a Lord of the Flies-style Piggy roast! — and how these youthful hijinks of Joe Biden could be equally spun. (At least we hope so, but it’s Commentary, so then probably not.)

Unfortunately, you are all thinking adults, and so able to intuit the difference between Young Master Willard’s gross history (but more importantly, his giggling while apologizing and his total lack of reflection) and BITCHEN JOE BEIN’ BITCHEN! Commentary, thanks for making Scrappy Joe even fuckin’ MORE BEST in our hearts than he already was, and Scrappy had already had a BEST of a week. Oh well, Commentary, better luck next time! [Commentary]

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  • Barb

    This is a big fucking deal!

    Dr Jill Biden was my daughter, Christine's English instructor in college. She is a lovely woman and so super sweet, unlike her thug husband.

    • Arken


  • ttommyunger

    These motherfuckers never stop, do they?

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Indeed…their desperation is becoming embarrassing.

  • boobookitteh

    I have a list of people for Joey.

    • Serolf_Divad

      Starting with that sonofabitch… what's his name… you know, the guy who threw me to the ground that time along with five of his friends ('cause he was too much of a pussy to take me alone) and cut my hair?

  • LetUsBray

    Commentary is one of those wingnut welfare hack journals, isn't it? The National Enquirer has more credibility. At least their source is a 24-year old book, instead of stuff pulled from their ass this time.

    • Wile E. Quixote

      Yeah, Commentary represents the Israel Über Alles wing of the conservative movement.

      • George Spelvin

        There's another wing?

        • Fare la Volpe

          I was about to say: isn't it standard conservative rhetoric now that you either believe every single thing Israel has ever done ever is golden poop sent straight from Jebus butt, or you're a terrorist?

        • Serolf_Divad

          Well, yes, there's the Pat "diesel exhaust is actually good for you" Buchannan wing of the conservative movement.

    • Callyson

      Wasn't there an old Woody Allen (I know) film with a joke about how Dissent and Commentary merged to form Dysentery? Perhaps that merger was not necessary for that to occur…

  • bumfug

    I don't care what he did, I worked for this fucker when he was running for the senate the first time and I will always be a fan. If he'd punch Tucker Carlson in the face I'd donate to the reelection again right now.

    • Mort_Sinclair

      Did you actually know him? I have always wondered if he's as genuine as he seems to be. I really like him. He's a bigger-than-life sort of character, right out of central casting.

      • ProgressiveInga

        I was in DC last year at an event where a long-time WH photographer was assigned. I struck up a conversation with him and asked him who he thought the nicest person in politics is and he said by far it's Joe Biden. He said he's genuine and funny and always gracious. Politically-speaking, this photog said that he himself is a republican and that there are an equal number of assholes on both sides.

      • bumfug

        I was a volunteer in his first campaign. It was a real Children's Crusade; nobody really knew what we were doing, we were just a bunch of students mostly from the U. of Del. I won't say I "knew" him but I met him and was around him enough to know he was a real guy. Nobody thought we had a chance to beat J. Caleb Boggs, an entrenched old-school Delaware politician, but Joe inspired everyone who worked for him. He was only 29, too young to even be a senator (he turned 30 after the election but before the swearing in) and he connected with us like few pols had. It burns me up that people are just buying into the lazy-ass media construct that he's some kind of goofy, gaffe-ridden schmo – he says what he thinks and we need more like him, not fewer.

        • harobedyelsnit

          Always like Joe. Thanks for writing this.

    • rickmaci

      Me too. Now, if FLOTUS would only punch Smucker KKKarlson in the face, I would empty out my 401k for the campaign.

  • littlebigdaddy

    My money's on Joey. I bet Mitty goes off crying to his mom, like the red-haired kid in The Christmas Story.

    • Dr. Nick Riviera

      And then they send the butler out to hunt those bitchass poors down.

    • Crank_Tango

      Scut Farkus libel!

  • Texan_Bulldog

    The worst part of this for me is that when I think of a young Joe Biden, a chill goes up my leg because he was kind of hot. Sigh…I need to quit drinking so much–or drink a lot more.

    • Arken

      In the alternate universe that the Onion gets its news from, Biden was the lead singer of the Joe Biden Band with lots of hit albums before he became Vice President, so Onion Biden is even hotter.

      • Fare la Volpe

        I do love how the Onion is playing on this recurring joke that Biden is a hot rodding sex machine who plays guitar and drinks Hennessy. It just makes me love the real Joe even more.

    • bagofmice

      You just love him for his trans-am.

    • proudgrampa

      I recommend drinking a lot more. It's just…more fun that way!

  • Dr. Nick Riviera

    Geeks not getting beat up? That sounds like socialism from Czar Biden, there.

  • Dr. Nick Riviera

    Joe Biden is on *my* list…of fap buddies

  • bfstevie

    They left out the part where he shot an old man who was his "friend" in the face with a shotgun. Oh. Wait. Never mind.

  • el_donaldo

    'I had heard that "Commentary" and "Dissent" had merged and formed "Dysentery".'

    The butt of the joke going back nearly half a century.

    • Crank_Tango

      poo soon!

    • crybabyboehner

      A veritable wellspring of wisdom …

      • Fare la Volpe

        You should read their gushing reviews.

  • Arken


    • Left_Leftie

      Our Founding Fathers CHOPPED DOWN cherry trees! Planting trees is unconstitutional!

      • Arken


        • Keystone Turncoat Blue Hen Tree Huggin' Gay Lovin' Amtrak Ridin' Liberal Fucking Bastard !!

        • Carrabuda

          No, I think they were oaks.

          • Arken


        • harobedyelsnit

          Peach trees maybe????

  • littlebigdaddy

    History's worst monster.

  • mrpuma2u

    Well come now, this Biden character is clearly some kind of pugilistic working class Visigoth, striking out at his betters with fists because he knows they will best him with words. He's worse than a Yale man.

  • the_problem_child

    Damn, I always go with the flaming bag of poo. It's so much less work, and the result is just inevitable. Does that make me a wingnut?

    • LetUsBray

      I think it just makes you a Wonkadero.

      • the_problem_child

        Thanks, I'll go with that on my curriculum vitae

    • Tundra Grifter

      These days, since most people pick up dog poo with plastic bags, that could get out of hand in a hurry.

  • Rebecca, you may need to recuse yourself from future Handsome Joe stories. I don't want you to swoon so hard you hit your head on the monitor or something. At least invest in a fainting couch.

  • __kth__

    If you it (maybe this works?), there are a couple of pretty awesome Rudy-esque (i.e. the movie with Sean Astin, not the noun-verb-911 guy) tales in it. Only an asshole Commentary writer would be blind and desperate enough to get "ha, this guy's as bad as our guy" from it.

  • LetUsBray

    Off topic, but Cowboy Caligula and his merry band of cretinous thugs are now recognized as convicted war criminals in Malaysia:

    • This is fucking huge.

    • One possible punishment: lock him in a corral with feral horses.

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      Yeah, but who cares what a bunch of Lumpy Koalas think?

    • Steverino247

      There's a worse crime that we can prosecute right here at home. Bush & Co. lied to the troops they put in danger. For the Commander-in-Chief to know the truth and then lie to the troops for personal gain is beyond any reasonable explanation or excuse. It's beyond immoral. All of those found guilty should be hung like those bastards we hung after World War II, German and Japanese. After all, Bush and Cheney aren't rocket scientists whose minds we need to exploit, are they?

      • Iraq's rocket scientists and advanced technology that we planned on stealing was in the form of a black, subterranean liquid. Looks like we even fucked that up (thankfully – don't need blood AND oil on our hands).

        • Steverino247

          Werner is German for Mohammed?

        • Boojum

          Oil and semen are better, but much less lucrative.

    • Angry_Marmot

      Lawyer up, Shitbird.

    • CivicHoliday

      Sadly this will never go anywhere. Bush will live out his life eating BBQ and reading children's books and Cheney will go through at least another 3 human hearts before his arteries dissolve.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      That's one country now where W can't go, and there are probably a 140 more that don't want him to visit. So we're stuck with the creep. Maybe he can start clearing brush from the rest of Texas. Go to it, Sisyphus!

  • WhatTheHeck

    That little Joey fucker was an arbor-lover. That's just a few letters away from abortion -over. Should’a cut his effeminate hair off to teach him a lesson.

  • FakaktaSouth

    Yeah, no. Mitt Romney is still an entitled, horrifying, sociopathic butthole and I still wanna hump on ol Joe (more so). I hope the whole campaign is this clear.

    • Fare la Volpe

      I don't even want to hump Joe (though if he asked, I'd be all over that silver fox). I just want to keep him in a little box dressed up as a tiny sailor, and bring him out when I feel bad or just want a cuddle.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    After reading the comments page over at Commentary I want to give a massive wedgie to all of the editors at Commentary and everyone who comments over there, what a bunch of whining little bitches.

  • ThundercatHo

    SP: "Can I call you Joe?"
    JB: "Why sure honey. You just go ahead and natter on, winkin' and showing the American people what an ignorant tart you really are. I'll just be over hear warming up my kitchen table parable."

    • Barb

      Thunder, did you know why she did that? She kept calling him O'Biden in the practice drills. She even did it once during the debate. Hilarious!

      • Negropolis

        LOL! And, here I thought it was so she could use her "Say it ain't so, Joe."

        • Barb

          Negropolis, I cringed when she said that. Her followers love her for that "folksy" thing. It reminds me of people who voted for George W. Bush because he is the guy you'd "want to have a beer with." I don't want to vote for people because they are attractive or cutesy. Stupid people deserve to vote too. I will just make sure I get to the polls and keep them from getting their folksy wishes.

          • Crank_Tango

            Most republican voters actually were around during the black sox scandal, so too soon also.

      • Fare la Volpe

        My buddies and I were playing Sarah Palin Bingo during the VP debate, and I swear my card won with the space "Calls Biden by the Wrong Name."

  • SayItWithWookies

    Oh dear — Joe Biden's such a sissy. How can we respect him if he never sat on some kid's head to let him know that he runs things? Or outed some political opponent and destroyed his personal life in order to beat him in an election? If you want someone to incite a mob to run to the local witch's house and burn it down, Joe Biden is clearly not a serious candidate.

  • Negropolis

    You were right. This makes me like Joe more. Planting trees? Do you guys even known my buttons? Do you even realize how awesome I think it is to plant a tree, even when its just transfered? Do you even realize how angry I get when I see a tree chopped down in a city, and it's not replaced?

    BTW, why can't someone explain to the rubes that we're not just mad at Romney's youthful indescretion, but his seeming complete lack of shame recounting it, downplaying it, lying about it (I don't really remember), and there being a pattern into his adult life of displaying a disturbing lack of empathy and compassion?

    • Totally agree on the "empathy" issue. Here's what I wrote earlier with a FB friend:

      I think the dog thing is another example of his inability to empathize, same with this story about humiliating the classmate (we can listen to Hannity talk about how it was just a childish prank, but not all kids do that). I remember when Obama said he wanted to appoint a SCOTUS jurist who was "Empathetic" and the right-wingers just howled about it — hell, who knew that was such a dog whistle for them? The word didn't mean much to me, although I wholeheartedly agreed. Anyway, my point is that I don't think people are fit to lead well if they can't walk a mile in someone else's shoes, which is what "empathy" is. This ability helps lend new perspective and greater understanding of issues that need to be decided upon. Mitt has an empathy problem.

      • Negropolis

        Bingo. I always hear people say they want a "manager" for president, and my thing is that the office is both analytical but also symbolic. Unlike in a lot of other democracies, the office includes both being head of government and head of state. If the guy or gal running for president lacks empathy, he or she isn't qualified to fill the head of state duty as far as I'm concerned. A complete lack of empathy is why Nixon ultimately failed. It's been argued he was a good manager, but when it came to understanding and reading human nature, he was downright horrible, and it ultimately collapses his entire presidency.

        Mitt Romney is not emotionally fit to lead in the way I want or need him to. You have this 60-something-year-old-man who hasn't figured out the grade-school lesson of how to share, emotionally. This kind of emotional atrophy is on display 24/7 with this guy. "I don't care about poor people." "I like firing people." "corporations are people, my friend." and on and on and on. Many argue that these are gaffes taken out of context, and in a way, they are. But an emotionally intelligent person would know not to even utter those things even in greater context. He or she would find a better way to explain themselves.

        • Barb

          I see Mitt Romney as a "golden boy" who is running for the office of POTUS for a feather in his cap and not to serve America.

          You never hear him say why he is running. Even if it is disingenuous, you hear politicians spew that they are concerned for Vets, the elderly, the future of education, etc. They usually come up with a moment that urged them to join the political circus.

          • Jeffer

            They say that Managers do things right and Leaders do the right thing. Mitt might be a manager but he certainly isn't a leader.

          • Barb

            I like the cut of your jib. How would you like to marry me and drive me to the polls this November?

          • Jeffer

            We are already Maritals. And you will be getting driving and polling much sooner than that.

          • Barb

            Hello! Remind me to put on my "good bathrobe" tomorrow. Thanks for being the best husband in the world and for not having to ask for driving directions to the Abortionplex.

          • Jeffer

            I love you back. I thought we got free entrance into the Abortionplex by bringing your uterus in a jar. Last time they gave me a "Uterus in A Jar" Koozie.

          • Barb

            Trust me, after that horrific surgery my girls parts are still slightly ajar.

            I can't wait to see what super cool brekkie you will make me tomorrow for Mother's day! I like how you said in the store today how "nothing but thick cut bacon is good enough for you" I had that confused offended/hungry/horny rush when you said it.

          • smashedinhat

            Jeezuz, Mother day! Completely forgot.

          • Barb

            It's Mother's Day, Smashed! There is no way in hell I am going outside today with all those crazy people and their equally crazy moms.

          • Get a room, you two!

            Oh wait, you already have one.

          • Fare la Volpe

            You two never cease to be freaking adorable. Stop it.

            I hope one day I can find somebody who "gets" me on the same level you two clearly get each other.

          • Negropolis

            I was just thinking the exact same thing. And, it shouldn't have to be an either or. In fact, it better be both. My philosophy has always been that as an office that is both head of government and head of state, you need a good manager, but you also need some with a good heart and motivations for the job that aren't dubious. You always hear about conservatives (and even some Dems) talk about the job as American's Top CEO, but the job has an entire other side to it. It gets me thinking about Nixon, who even many liberals have argued at times was a good manager, but it's quite apparent that his total lack of empathy and his inability to read and understand basic human nature cancelled out whatever skills he had as a manager and ultimately collapsed his presidency and damaged the office of the presidency, in general, the effects of which we are still feeling.

            Mitt's motivations are dubious, at best, and I'm not even convinced he'd be even as good a manager as Nixon. Even me being as objective as I can be, Mitt has got to be one of the worst presidential candidates of either party in decades. The more you get to know him, the even less you want to know about him. Quite frankly, I'm done with him. As far as I'm concerned, in his many years now running for president, he's compromised his character (or whatever's left of it) so many times that I can't even stand to listen to him, anymore.

            You know, McCain was never going to get my vote, and over the years he got more and more silly, but Romney makes McCain look like a sensible, respectable statesman. Yeah, the same McCain that dumped his first wife for aging less gracefully than he had hoped she would to marry a multi-million dollar beer heiress.

          • biblioteq_tress

            I agree with you in toto, and would add that, unfortunately, many people think of managing as "managing a business." Governing the United States is not the same as managing a business, and not only do many of the skills needed for running a business not transfer, but their practice is actually detrimental to governing a nation. The US government does not exist to be profitable. It does not exist to provide an army to keep the flow of oil going and then stay the hell out of the way of rich people and corporations either. It exists to safeguard the American people and protect their rights and their welfare, both directly and by providing the people the tools themselves. There is, perhaps, some correlation between managing a not-for-profit that provides urgently needed services– like a hospital– and the skills needed to be the executive of the government. Of course meeting a budget matters, but the budget is there to provide the means for the services and protections provided: the services and protections must be provided, and it is not more important that a budget be reduced to a shoestring. We can address shortfalls in the funding realistically and without hysteria.

          • George Spelvin

            The Presidency is even a little more complicated than Chief Executive / Head of State. Because of the non-parliamentary nature of our governmental structure, the POTUS also has to be Top Politician. We tend to denigrate politicians, because of the abundance of bad examples, but in principle, political negotiation is what keeps our society functional. Being a good politician requires a great deal of empathy — how can you successfully negotiate with someone if you can't put yourself in his/her shoes?

            Also, too, I am completely tired of hearing Rmoney described as a "businessman" or a "manager". He was a fucking vulture capitalist. He didn't personally manage any substantial enterprise other than his little coven of vultures, as far as I'm aware. I'll concede that he has considerable expertise in finance, and probably in value assessment, but what the fuck did he ever manage?

            We should call him a "financier".

          • Judith_Priest

            He is running because Grover Norquist needs a warm body with a hand attached, to sign all the bills that Grover Norquist wants. That's all Mitt the Shit is, or is *supposed* to be, by the real Kingmakers … and King Grover.

            Do not forget, and do not let anyone ELSE forget, among your family and friends, that this is unelected rich-boy think-tanker jerkoff Norquist's *entire* set of desiderata for the next President:

            “All we have to do is replace Obama. … We are not auditioning for fearless leader. We don't need a president to tell us in what direction to go. We know what direction to go. We want the Ryan budget. … We just need a president to sign this stuff. We don't need someone to think it up or design it. The leadership now for the modern conservative movement for the next 20 years will be coming out of the House and the Senate.”

        • MissNancyPriss

          And he's dumb as a box of staples. Don't forget that.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    If only John Lauber was lucky enough to be one of Joe Biden's friends. Joe would have beat the snot out of Mittens and planted a tree or two in his Dad's yard.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    Joe always had an idea. … If their notion of a summer evening’s prank was to put a bag of dogshit on old man Schutz’s doorstep, Joey would say, “No, here’s what we’ll do. You know behind my house, where they got all those little trees? Get a shovel …” And they did: they went out with shovels and planted a forest of saplings on Mr. Schutz’s lawn. It was so much more elaborate—all thought out, the way Joey had it figured.

    But Mitt Romney doesn't like those trees because they're not the right height.

  • Veritas78

    Is this the kind of America you all want? A tree-planting, look-out-for-your neighbors, energy-conserving, train-riding, equal-rightsy libadise? What a pack of sickos.

  • Dr. Nick Riviera

    Here's how a REAL American acts:

    "U.S. Sen. Rand Paul remarked on President Obama's decision to publicly support same-sex marriage by saying, “Call me cynical, but I wasn’t sure his views on marriage could get any gayer.”

    The comments by the Republican lawmaker from Kentucky drew big laughs at a gathering sponsored by the Iowa Faith and Freedom Coalition. A video became public after it was posted on the website "The Iowa Republican.""

    • Wile E. Quixote

      Just more proof that the Libertarians who support Rand Paul are full of shit. How can you claim to be dedicated to liberty if you allow groups of people to deny equal treatment to gays and lesbians based upon a bunch of mythological horseshit dreamed up by a bunch of dickheads who have been dead for twenty centuries? Most of the so-called "Libertarians" I've met think that the biggest problem with the Holocaust isn't that the Nazis killed six million Jews (and a bunch of other people as well) it's that it was done by the government and not by private sector entities like I.G. Farben and Krupp.

    • Bob VanderClosetCase was no doubt in attendance? Look him up if he's not some nationally known asshole by now. He's they guy who (quit his day job?) spearheaded the successful effort to get supreme court justices voted off the bench after all 7 of them unanimously struck down Iowa's constitutional ban on gay marriage a few years ago.

    • LetUsBray

      That little vignette certainly does reinforce my suspicion that most Republicans are mentally and emotionally about 12 years old, and really horrible 12-year olds at that.

      • Wile E. Quixote

        And they're 12 year olds whose mothers drank during pregnancy and whose fathers are running a meth lab.

    • Negropolis

      At least his homophobic daddy has the decency to follow through on his ideology of personal liberty, even if the liberty in question makes him sick.

      Randal is a very bad copy of Ronald, and that's saying a lot since Ronnie ain't worth a shit, either, most of the time.

    • RavenRant

      Rand could use a team of gays working at the top of their game to make that thing laying on top of his head look less like a cowpie.

      And then take a minute to re-edjumicate his sorry, ignorant ass.

    • George Spelvin

      "U.S. Senator Rand Paul…" <vomit>

  • Wile E. Quixote

    The stupidity and contemptibility of the commenters at Commentary, and the writers and editors of Commentary and the whole "Israel Über Alles" wing of the conservative movement can't be overstated. But here's my question for these dumbfucks: why is it that you think that President Romney wouldn't flip-flop on supporting Israel the way he's flip-flopped on abortion, gay marriage, gay adoption, stem-cell research, etc, etc, etc? Additionally Romney is a Mormon and the Mormons, as far as I know, could give a shit about Israel, they don't buy into the same end times horseshit that evangelicals do, you know, the stupid horseshit belief that Israel has to exist so that in the end times Jesus can come back and kill all of the Jews who are living there so that the Rapture™ can come about.

    It would serve these dumb bastards right if Romney got elected and ended up shivving Netanyahoo and the rest of the Likudzis, not that the rest of us deserve President Romney.

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      Mormons also are the only group who refer to Jews as "Gentiles"

      • Wile E. Quixote

        Yeah, that's really got to piss them off.

        • not that Radio

          Goy, howdy!

          • C_R_Eature

            Goy, evalt!

  • yellojkt

    So the excuse for Mitt Romney being an asshole is that Joe Biden was somewhat less of an asshole?

    • Chichikovovich

      Even more shocking: Romney assaulted and humiliated a classmate to taunt him for acting effeminately and seeming gay. Biden assaulted bullies who taunted him for stuttering, or who abused a friend who was unable to defend himself.

      Now you might think that this reflects badly on Romney and well on Biden, but that's because, unlike Commentary and the Republican party generally, you don't identify with the bullies.

      Edit: I forgot to add: And Romney did it while several of his friends held the poor kid down, while he was crying and pleading fruitlessly for help, while Biden acted alone. Yep, Commentary is right – this really does capture the contrast between Biden and Romney perfectly. I hope the media discusses this at length, just as Commentary desires.

  • sbj1964

    Old Joe should have got the lead roll in the movie Grand Torino. GET OFF MY LAWN!

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      I know you're wondering…did he plant five trees, or six? Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement, I kinda lost track myself. So I guess you have to ask yourself, do I feel leafy? Well, do ya, punk?

      • sbj1964

        Left turn clyde.

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    Planting trees? Sounds like the sort of thing ACORN would do!

  • miscreants planted a forest of saplings in the old man’s front yard instead

    Eat your heart out, Al Gore!

    • Barb

      Hi, I checked out your blog and found it quite interesting. I tried to sign up for e-mail notifications and I got an error message. Am I doing something wrong?


    Sorry, but loners and other weak kids are not corporations, my friend.

  • Steverino247

    I once asked three football teammates to help me pick up my Uncle Jack's compact car and put it in the middle of my front yard. When he came out, he was pissed! I told him to relax as we were willing to put it back out in the street. Every time he came to my house after that, he peeked out the front window every few minutes, just to make sure I wasn't doing it again. Good times…

    • Ha! Some people get really wound up when a simple, "Ya got me!" would do.

      • Steverino247

        Getting sunk on the way to Europe in WW II made Uncle Jack a little more jumpy than I could appreciate at the time. There's no way I'd do something like that now to a war vet.

        (But it was pretty fucking funny. His brother and my mother thought it was pretty funny, too.)

        • Holy crap, yeah, that would be a defining experience.

          • Steverino247

            We had a pool in the back yard, but he never went near it. Took me years to understand why. Helped me work with other vets later on, though, when I figured it out, so thanks Uncle Jack!

    • Negropolis

      LOL! Now that sounds like some good fun. Really, it does.

    • Way to go, Owen Meany

  • OT: Not sure if this is even interesting to anyone, but I was entertained by this ThinkProgress story about this right wing hack that even Peggington Nooningtonshire is disgusted by (with good reason).

    • Barb

      Wow, interesting article, thanks for posting it.

  • ElPinche

    I heard Joe ripped out the eyes of a deaf and mute third grade girl and peed on her brain. Joe is the Earth's most terrible monster.

    • Negropolis

      I heard Ole Joe pied a man in Wilmington, just to see him cry.

  • Ever see that movie, "Something for Joey?" Well I have.

    • not that Radio

      No, but I've seen the movie "Joe". Totally different vibe.

      • proudgrampa

        I had a cup of Joe this morning…

  • Negropolis

    OT: Rand Paul Says He Didn't Think Obama's Views 'Could Get Any Gayer'

    Says the guy with a stick so far up his ass he's coughing up splinters.

    Wow, just…wow.

    EDIT: See someone got to it before I did.

    • Barb

      Maybe I am overly sensitive about this. That sounds like a slur from Rand Paul.
      Rand Paul is gayer than Elton John's fanny pack. <—–that's a slur.

      • BerkeleyBear

        Well, he's just deflecting because of the amount of hair gel he uses – in his circles that makes him "faggy."

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Get off my lawn, Joe Biden! GET OFF MY LAWN!

    • C_R_Eature

      "Get off my lawn, Joe Biden! GET OFF MY LAWN FOREST!"

      Too late.

  • Biden reminds me of a younger version of my Hazleton-born grandfather– sunny disposition, tough as shit, and above all unwaveringly fair. He's good people.

    • Barb

      I agree, my friend.

    • Negropolis

      Havelton, PA? It's so sad to see what that town has become. I realize a change of the scale that has happened in Hazelton, demographically, is going to be difficult, but the response to it has been downright shameful. :(

      • I agree with you–it's an old coal cracker town (emphasis on 'cracker') that's not been prosperous in decades, and the swelling bigotry and racism has risen to Deliverance-proportion xenophobia. I can't imagine Hazleton now. My grandpa moved the family to Lower Bucks Co. in the early 60's, and very few still live in PA. (why am I writing this? who gives a shit?–oh, because drunk.) However, I will never forgive him for being a goddamn Giants fan.

        • MissNancyPriss

          I give a shit. My dad went to college in Scranton, and thought it was just super. Granted, the only other places he knew were an orphange in the Bronx and a chicken farm in NJ (thanks, GI bill), so Scranton must have seemed like fcking paradise.

  • Steverino247

    Hey, it's been, what, 48 hours since a boob picture post on here? What gives?

  • DrunkIrishman

    Planted a forest of saplings on an old man's lawn!?!? THAT MONSTER!

  • Since Rush Limbaugh went on about how great bullies were, then the Party of Limbaugh is fine with this, right? Because otherwise it would make them look like immoral babies.

    • Barb

      Rush went off on Obama about wanting to change the rules of a traditional marriage. It's okay for him to marry four times and have a gay man, Elton John sing at his wedding. Gays can sing at a wedding, just as long as it is not their own.

  • Callyson

    Just (tried to) read the Commentary article. Am I just drunk, or capital WTF?!?

    • Serolf_Divad

      "Just (tried to) read the Commentary article…"

      Yeah, well, that was your first mistake right there.

  • DocChaos

    I'm amused that the wingnut brigade hasn't figured out that constantly bringing up the whole "Democrat X is an asshole like Romney too" argument just keeps alive the meme that Romney is an asshole for another day.

    If the election ends up being about who is a bigger douchebag, Romney loses in a landslide.

    • Steverino247

      Wait until they start taking pride in how big an asshole their candidate really is…

      • Fare la Volpe

        Remember how they took pride in the fact that their candidate never went to Vietnam? Or how they gleefully attacked the other guy not in spite of his Purple Hearts, but because of his Purple Hearts?

        I remember watching the Republican Natl. Convention and seeing attendants everywhere donning tiny bandages with purple hearts on them and laughing gleefully as if that really were something worthless and hysterical. I wasn't even old enough to vote, but I knew then that I would never vote Republican if that sort of thing passed for acceptable behavior among their ilk.

    • Angry_Marmot

      It worked for Nixon.

      • thatsitfortheother1

        He had that UglyMotherFucker thing going for him, too.

      • BerkeleyBear

        What worked for Nixon was that the Dems tore themselves apart in 68 (and the white knight RFK got shot). That fucker couldn't win dog catcher on his own merits – sorta like Mitt, who's only significantly contested primary win was this cycle (and even then, he almost got his ass kicked by the sorriest bunch of candidates since Fillmore drunkenly got the nod).

        • MosesInvests

          That, and Nixon convinced the South Vietnamese not to accept a peace deal so that he could use the war as a campaign issue (resulting in thousands more US casualties over the next 5 years, not to mention countless Vietnamese).

  • bagofmice

    Logically, you can only have a beer with Biden.

    /fookin HTML on an iPad sucks. Three goddmned keyboards for an anchor tag.

  • Angry_Marmot
    • proudgrampa

      Cool! Party on like there IS a tomorrow!

      • BerkeleyBear

        Aww, man – that hangover is gonna suck!

    • Phew! (wipes sweat from forehead)

    • C_R_Eature

      Aw, shit.

      • Barb

        There go our idea to all get high limit credit cards on the first of December and run up huge tabs that we can't possibly afford to pay off.

        Um, Rebecca? You will be receiving a shipment of 2 rare white baby tiger cubs this week. Just put them back in the cage and return them, please.

        • C_R_Eature

          Whew! It's a good thing we all have out heads on straight and would never consider such irresponsible behavior.

          Oh…and if, sometime this fall the offices of Crossroads GPS suddenly fill up with polystyrene insulating foam, several tons of raw herring and seasoned chum are delivered to the floor of the Republican National Convention and the Wall Street Bull is attacked by a gigantic robotic Phallus, that's all purely coincidental and some things are just too far along to stop anyway so there.

    • bikerlaureate

      That's not what we were told here on Friday.

  • thatsitfortheother1

    At least nobody in the right wing suffers from low blood pressure.

  • Joe the Arbor Day Bully. I have to admit I love crazy ass Joe.

  • Limeylizzie

    Oh God, I love Joey Biden , I know he is a non-stop talker but you know what can put a halt to that , ladies, just sit on that handsome face.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    I guess this means we can now compare Joe to Hitler.

    • C_R_Eature

      Or, this other guy who liked to plant things.

      • Sweet Jeebus. Monty Python and Popsicle Sticker Vladdy before I've finished my first cup of joe.

        • C_R_Eature

          What is "Why I love Wonkette" Alex?

  • C_R_Eature

    So this is all they can come up with?
    Eh. Beating up other kids? Everyone knows Joe Biden's' a Badass. Also, speaking as someone who's a connoisseur of Pranks, planting a forest out on the lawn of an asshole neighbor is one helluva creative Prank. I like the way Joe thinks and my admiration for him has just gone way up.
    And, those Commentary people? Criminy. I think they never got over getting stuffed in their lockers in Junior High and all those Atomic Wedgies.

    EDIT: Planting a lawn forest isn't as good a Prank as drunkenly shooting a lawyer in the face and then getting him to publicly apologize to you, but you go to the election with the V.P. you have…

  • King of the streets,
    child of clay

    His closest friends were black men 'cause they seemed to understand
    What it's like to be in society with a shackle on your hand.

  • cheetojeebus

    Lawn sabotage!
    We once scattered a whole bag of bean seeds on someone's lawn. We were such bastards.

    btw happy mothers day bitches!

  • CivicHoliday

    I could use some landscaping done. Joe, if I pretend to be old and bitchy, will you c'mon over?

    • I don't have to pretend. Also, too, my strong allergy to long-handled tools presents a real problem for gardenly inclined Mrs. weejee since all four of our sons have fledged.

  • An_Outhouse

    When I was a teenager, friends of mine went on a trip. I stole flowers from the neighbors flower bed to welcome them back at the airport. I wonder what circle of hell I belong in.

  • BenGleck

    That's a lot ofverbage to slog through for a lame point.

    • I'm going to take a wild guess that you're somewhat new to Wonkett.

  • I propose that Arbor Day be renamed Joe Biden Day, and the holiday be celebrated henceforth by planting trees on unsuspecting elderly people's lawns, to be both preceded by and followed by drinking, because all the best holidays have the drinking.

    • C_R_Eature

      And for those arid Southwest climates we can plant Saguaro and Prickly Pear. Especially all over Joe Arpaio and Jan Brewer's lawns and anyone who ever voted for them.

      Drinking, also too.

  • If Mitt Romney had gone to the same school as Joe Biden….

  • V572 Is this him?

    That Joe: planting trees! What a monster!

    What blog-readers really want to talk about is jobs and the economy. When we get into office and get rid of job-killing Obamacre and reduce regulations, the economy will come back.

    • George Spelvin

      It's not bad enough that I have to think about hectares, now I have to worry about Obamacres?

      • V572 Is this him?

        And in Texas, varas. And in certain regions of northern Italy, the piò.

        • MosesInvests

          And dunams in Israel.

  • Judith_Priest

    Cool story, but … I will NEVER forgive Joe Biden for that stupid R.A.V.E. Act. He has a disturbing socially conservative side, and, like fellow liberal Dianne Feinstein, never met a peace of Drug War Bullshit he didn't like.

  • mavenmaven

    To think that there was once a time when Commentary was actually a worthwhile and intelligent journal…

  • owhatever

    The rightwing fanatic apologists do understand, don't they, that the bullying was not just cutting the guy's hair, it became a way of life for the MittBot. "I like firing people." Putting the dog on the top of the car. No, they don't understand. Never will. Pffft!

  • Come here a minute

    Best week? But Bammers said Scrappy Joe tripped over his dick got over his skis.

  • spinozasgod

    Is The Commentary some creepy Jewish right-wing mag? All I saw were anti-obama and pro-isreal articles.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    Didn't Joe's mom basically admit at the 2008 DNC that she encouraged him to kick the crap out of people who make of her kid? Happy Mothers' Day!

  • spends2much

    So basically if Joe Biden could have afforded to go to Cranbrook, he would have wailed on Mitt for picking on weaker kids.

    I think we all know who would have won that match. The scrappy Veep!

    This makes him MORE awesome, crappy right wing Commentary.

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