You've changedYesterday we learned all about how young Willard “Mitt” Romney used to terrorize gay people with scissors during his time at the Cranbrook Boarding School For Youths Of A Certain Gentility. And then our own Kirsten Boyd Johnson was like, “Oh yeah I went to Cranbrook.” Jesus Kirsten, ABOUT TIME YOU SAID THAT much? Anyway, here is our revealing (-ish) interview with her about crashed Porsches and stuff.

Wonkette: Kirsten, you attended Cranbrook several decades after Mitt Romney did. What was he like?

Kirsten: Yes sorry, just as a warning my Internet is going in and out with a lot of frequency because the wifi receiver on my computer is made of toothpicks and marshmallows.

So you’re saying Mitt Romney was a computer.

A poorly made one, very cheap. He used to steal grease from the fryer traps in the cafeteria. I really need a new computer. Where is Mitt Romney when I need him nowadays?

Yes, where is he? You should know. We’re assuming your father is Mitt Romney, since no one else can afford to send their children to Cranbrook. If not, how did you pay for this place?

That’s a true thing, Jim. I am one of Mitt Romney’s secret children. Haven’t you noticed that I’m blond, like Ann, who also went to Cranbrook? It all adds up.

Is there a painting or auditorium or field or whatever named after Mitt Romney, at Cranbrook? We could google this, but instead we’ll ask you, and maybe you can google it.

I named some of the swans that live in the campus lake after him one time. Three of them. The school has its own swans! Those are the only official school items named after Mitt Romney.

Did you ever forcibly cut a gay’s hair, or did you ever have your gay hair forcibly cut?

No. Only my gay best friend at Cranbrook made fun of me every day for a year after I permed my hair. But he did not cut it off, unlike Mitt Romney.

Oh god, you had a gay best friend. Let’s hope he wasn’t able to graduate. Now tell us the funniest story you recall about one of the rich preppies doing an asshole rich preppy thing.

I was once told by a rich schoolmate that I could not have a ride back to campus in winter because this person had to go brush a horse instead.

Oh, man. Another please.

The head of the debate team totaled a Porsche 911 one time and came to school driving a Range Rover the next week. He was not really the head of the debate team. He was captain of a different club. I am protecting his identity so he doesn’t call Mitt Romney and order me murdered.

Yeah, Tagg would definitely call his dad over so don’t reveal his name. So to wrap things up, a two-part question: (1) Did you like Cranbrook? (2) Is there an actual “brook” that’s red because of “cranberry juice” but is actually the blood of murdered gay teenagers? (3) Why aren’t you a lawyer instead of writing for some shitty website? (FULL DISCLOSURE: “Jim Newell” also went to a prep school but you are not allowed to interview him about this, ha ha.)

1. Yes, I loved it. (Please do not murder me, alumni office people.) 2. No, they just bury their bodies beneath the Greek Amphitheater in the campus woods. 3. Are you secretly my grandmother, Jim? She asks me this all the time.

Ha ha, that would make you Mitt Romney’s mom.

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  • MrFizzy

    As an alum maybe you could get Romney the Human Mayonnaise Vessel to write a few Wonk pieces.

  • el_donaldo

    Q.E.D. Jim Newell is also Ann Romney's mother-in-law.

  • prommie

    Fuck you preppy fucks. Did the Saudi's have the best blow?

    • Fare la Volpe

      Saudis for opium. Trust funds for blow.

    • mrpuma2u

      No that would have been the punk whose Defense contractor dad sold a buncha death goodies to the Columbians, using Eric Holder's secretary to launder the money via Chiquita industries.

  • I think we just found our Mole…

  • NotYerGaryBusey

    The important question is: Did she receive either the perfect attendance pin or the punctuality pin?

    • Tundra Grifter

      Long as it wasn't a PLEDGE PIN!

  • FNMA


  • (FULL DISCLOSURE: “Jim Newell” also went to a prep school but you are not allowed to interview him about this, ha ha.)

    Jim Newell Interview time!

    Ken was never able to drag this info out, but I think we're getting somewhere.

    • WIDTAP

      Apparently our new Editrix threaten to have inappropriate sexual relationships with Newall's skull.

  • Preferred Customer

    Every time I hear someone talk about Romney going to Cranbrook, all I can think is "at least it wasn't DCD."

    EDIT: Also, too, I am amazed by the sheer size of the suburban Detroit diaspora. And I am amazed that it is not bigger, because seriously why would anyone stay in suburban Detroit?

    • vodkamuppet

      I live in downtown Detroit and whenever I go out to the burbs my first question is always "what the fuck do you people do out here?" followed by "how do you not have multiple DUI's?"

      • Fare la Volpe

        Because the cops are profiling all the minorities criminal scum downtown.

      • Chichikovovich

        That's why people have chauffeurs, silly.

      • Preferred Customer

        The answer to your first question is "get multiple DUIs." The answer to your second question is "not applicable."

      • I don't know about YOUR burbs, but the way the rich bitches here avoid them is by (1) making it a point to KNOW their local pigs; (2) making it a point to ensure that the local pigs know how rich and powerful said rich bitches are; (3) pulling rank and batting lashes; (4) having chauffeurs, if all else fails.

        • Butch_Wagstaff

          Do we live in the same city?

          Sometimes the "West End Wendies" (as we refer to them) get fuckin' police escorts back to their houses after a night of partying.

          • I don't think so, although I wish we did. I left out the fuckin' police escorts business because that always makes me so steaming mad. As a Person of Brownness, the only police escorts I've ever been offered had something to do with a Maria of Blackness.

    • PuckStopsHere

      Because it's easy to get Pistons tickets.

    • Jesus Christ! What the FUCK is your av, Preferred?

      • Preferred Customer

        It is a dog, in space. And the earth. And a nebula? Something.

        • Oh. OK.

          For just one heart-stopping minute, I thought it was an alien vagina-equivalent with a little face-sucking tentacled monster coming out of it. Gotta lay off this bitchin' new weed.

          • Stevola


    • Negropolis

      Detroit Catholic Central (which is neither central nor in Detroit) has also become very obnoxious.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Needz moar Abercrombie & Fitch.

  • Pragmatist2

    I understand Kirsten to say that Ann and Mitt Romney are actually brother and sister as well as husband and wife. My question is this: will that hurt him or help him in the Red States?

    • el_donaldo

      It gives them a serious advantage in machination and intr!gue in Westeros.

      • C_R_Eature

        "intr!gue". I see what you did there.

        So, Improper utilization of any iteration of That Word will still send my posts straight to the Naughty Room?
        Good to know.

        • el_donaldo

          Yes, seriously frustrating. Ban filters and all that. Snark has a limited shelf life.

          • C_R_Eature

            That it does. We're running for "p's", for Pete's sake!

          • Arkoday

            That "!" looks suspiciously like one of those levers used to fire a weapon.

          • Chichikovovich

            It's the observation target for a surveyer's transit.

          • No, that's the symbol for a female cat, I think. Or maybe that's ¡

          • Either way works, hon, it all depends on your point of view.

          • Bang equals.

          • Intrigue intrigue intrigue.

      • Pragmatist2

        Whoa! This is seriously inside baseball.
        I was hoping for comments more along the lines of:
        "Incest will lead to gay marriage which leads to polygamy which,we all know, is the direct path to bestiality."

        • el_donaldo

          Well, yes, there's that. If someone were to be actually, you know, funny. But for the rest of us …

          • We're not allowed to be funny anymore. This is a mommyblog now.

          • el_donaldo

            I miss the warblog.

          • We're not allowed to be *vile* or cause the editrix to go out of business. I haven't noticed a drop in the funny so much, although I kinda miss the vileness, to be honest.

          • Would you say you'd prefer to be machingunned with vileness?

          • Machinegunned — flogged with a cat o'nine tails — cream-pied — as long as it's unutterably vile, bring it on!

          • HistoriCat

            Here – have a fetus burger. It helps.

          • Ooh, yum, where's the fish sauce and hot sauce?

          • Lionel[redacted]Esq

            A women after my own heart.

          • Editrix? Or Ann_(ObeyME)_Money?

            Me, I prefer my ladies feminine and my men masculine. No, wait, maybe that's "my ladies butchy and my men bitchy." Never mind.

          • Lionel[redacted]Esq

            Well, if you are both available. . .

          • I haven't noticed a dropoff in the vile, but I have noticed that people work harder at being funny with it, instead of lazily throwing out the skullfucks, chainsaws and bags of rat dicks.

  • C_R_Eature

    This interview needs more Decadence and Debauchery.

    • Steverino247

      I'm sorry. We used up all the Decadence and Debauchery last night in Los Angeles. Perhaps we can borrow some from Las Vegas?

      • C_R_Eature

        Rats, I knew i missed something.

        Ooh, Las Vegas? We can't go there , that's Bat Country!

        • Linky no worky, dammit. Fixie?

          • C_R_Eature

            Yarbles! I always (well, mostly always) check these links!

            Here: Bat Country.


          • Love it!!! (Hugs CRE_ature most affectionately)

          • C_R_Eature

            Cool, isn't it? I must get one.

            *hugs back* Oof! mind the suckers!

          • You and Biely, both. With him, it's always "Mind the sparks! Sorry about the burn marks."

            It's OK. I love you, you're a dear sweet CREature.

          • C_R_Eature

            Yeah, those sulfur burns are the worst!

            You're very welcome, but please don't let that get around, I have a reputation to live down to after all.

  • bfstevie

    I found this on Wikipedia. "'Kirsten boyd johnson' does not exist."

    What's the deal, Mr. Newell, if that is your real name?

    • el_donaldo

      It's apparently Lenore Romney.

    • KBJ is Jim Newell in drag. It gets real weird in a situation such as this, where his split personalities converse with each other via email. Jim's doctors would really prefer we didn't encourage this behavior.

      • It would just result in further splitting, and interfere with the theraputic process

        • Didn't the brilliant Robert Stoller write a book titled "Splitting: A Case of Female Masculinity"?

  • Fairtackle

    What is a perp school?

    • Pragmatist2

      It's where they teach you to do the Perp Walk.

  • Barb

    So you’re saying Mitt Romney was a computer.

    Yes, and he was programmed a homophobe who assaults innocent gay people. Model type: Don't Ask, Don't Dell.

    • I'm burning with rage over this. It reminds me of my brother and his "demonstrations" of how to be a MAN instead of a SissyWimpFaggot, ya little SissyWimpFaggot that he plagued my yoof wiv.

  • spends2much

    Huh. Even reading an article about Mitt Romney were I learn nothing about him, I still end up liking him less. And by "liking him less" I mean loathing him more.

  • Baconzgood


    • SorosBot

      Together, we're gonna find our way;
      Together, takin' the time each day.

  • MissTaken

    How tall are the trees at Cranbrook?

    • Preferred Customer

      Just the right height.

      • MosesInvests

        …for lynching heaumeaux.

    • Obvys, they're NOT the right height, that honour being reserved for Michigander trees.

      • HistoriCat

        "Cranbrook Schools is a private college prep boarding school located in Bloomfield Hills, Michigan, near Detroit. "

      • You think Rmoney can't have it both ways?

        • I guess when you're obscenely wealthy like RMONEY, you can have it any way you want it.

  • LastGasp

    If that article doesn't win a Pulitzer for investigative journalism well then, something's wrong with the world.

    • SayItWithWookies

      It can at least get nominated.

      • C_R_Eature

        Submitted for Nomination!Twice! That would look great as a blurb on a book jacket, no?

        • Well … a certain Pantload might protest, with a quiver of indignation.

          • C_R_Eature

            Hey, Submitted for Nomination, Nominated…easy mistake! Happens to everyone, eh? Why, just the other day I thought I won the Nobel prize!

            "quiver of indignation." I'm sure many things were quivering. And now for the Brain Bleach.

          • HistoriCat

            I'm sure many things were quivering.

            Leave K-Lo out of this!

          • C_R_Eature

            Arrrrrgh- my Brain! my Brain! Urrrrrgghhh! *Retch*

          • There there, CRE, there there.

          • C_R_Eature

            *Ulp* Okay. I'm okay now. Thanks.

            Sorry about the shoes.

          • No worries, that's why I wear camo shoes.

          • Camo shoes, eh? Skechers? Docs?

          • Uh, ew. Thanks, CRE_ature. You sure know how to bring it.

            (Runs out of room barfing)

          • C_R_Eature

            That's why they pay me the Big Bucks.

      • EatsBabyDingos

        With a $50 entrance fee. I am in for a zloty.

  • ph7

    Then and now. Apropo of nothing, as a sophomore at Yale in 1965, George W. Bush lashed out at a friend for calling a suspected gay student a queer, telling him "Shut up and why don't you try walking in his shoes for a while and see how it feels before you make a comment like that?"

    • Chichikovovich

      So the young Romney was even more of an asshat than the young W. No wonder the party nominated him.

    • Tommy1733

      Is this a true story? If so I am impressed by good old W.

    • anniegetyerfun

      That sound you hear is my head exploding.

    • edgydrifter

      Yeah, but that was before he "gave up" booze and found Jesus. Go figure.

      • BarackMyWorld


    • SayItWithWookies

      That's shocking in its humanity. Who knew that Dubya sucked cock?

    • HempDogbane

      I have no trouble imagining that W is and was a much finer human being the Mitt. Also, that he was a much finer POTUS than Mitt would be. Also also, hoping this continues to be only speculative.

      • doloras

        W: had a soul and sold it.
        Rmoney: never had a soul to start with.

        • …but would buy one if it came with a disable switch and a Twitter feed.

    • It's anecdotal, and I find it difficult to square with the reports of his cruelty as a child and as an adult, but, if true, it makes Romney look even worse. I heard many negative things about G.W. Bush before he took office, and after some of his more spectacular and grievous stupidities, I resolved to take such things more seriously in future.

      This article gives me a VERY BAD feeling. I can't let this man become the next President.

    • Was that before, or after, he boinked Turdblossom up the butthole?

  • prommie

    Hey, wait, I thought the prep schools were all about circle-jerks and homoerotic hijinks amongst the boys, even if not quite as much out and out buggery as in England. So whats with Mitt's being so down on teh gays?

    • FakaktaSouth

      I thought it was about standing on your desk yelling o captain my captain, seizing the day and then jumping off the roof. It's not too late emulate THAT piece of shit prep school cliche either, RomNiedermeyer.

      • prommie

        And then there is the undercover jew football scholarship boy, I bet Rom picked on him, too.

    • Negropolis

      Cranbrook has a boys and girls school.

    • A bunch of boys holding a boy down and molesting his luxurious locks? Think about it.

  • Goonemeritus

    As a former Prep school type myself (Donald Trump went to mine) I reject the notion that Mitt’s actions were motivated purely by homophobia. I’m sure he tortured his share of straight kids, cripples, and old people too.

    • SorosBot

      Nerds, dweebs and eggheads too.

      • Chichikovovich

        The sportos and motor heads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies, dickheads…they all loathed him. They thought he was an unrighteous prick.

        Edit: and still do.

        • thebeatgoeson

          Yay for Edie McClurg!

    • Ramon X

      That needed to be said.

    • He certainly thought it was funny to play a "prank" on a blind teacher — one that involved watching him walk into a wall. I always find those things amusing ever since I became disabled, being both myopic and astigmatic, and prone to walking into things as a result of often having my face stuck in a book.

      • My ex had a pug. When he carried a frisbee in his mouth, it blocked his eyes, and he ran into walls all the time. God I miss that dog. Teh girl, not so much.

        • Oh, that poor little pupper! I know it's cruel to laugh, but having spent most of my life nursing bumps and lumps on my face and head from repeatedly walking into street signs, telephone poles, and roadside accoutrements while reading, believe me, the laughter is sympathetic!

          Sorry about the girl, but definitely sorrier about the dog! Pugs are awfully cute and silly.

    • Negropolis

      Well, duh. You're never going to torture just gay kids. It's almost always part of a greater and general intolerance. This is kind of a given.

      • "I have always thought there was some higher purpose to my life — some greater and general intolerance. And that's why I want to be your President."

  • Wonderthing

    I went to a prep school. I learned how to prep dishes for a chef. Well, a cook. Well, my mom. Well, me.

    • As a person who cooks a great deal I can tell you, there's nothing like a good prep cook. In fact, do you have a day job you could quit? I can feed you good.

    • So Cranbrook is a sous school?

  • bfstevie

    Little known fact: This school was also the birthplace of Cranmars Delicious Mystery Appetizer.

  • Not_So_Much

    Are Mitt's initials carved in a desk somewhere? Or just on The Help (that survived)?

    • Oh, you know it's tough to replace those authentic cherrywood handmade 17th-century antique student desks.

      Skin grows back, but you might find an ancient and ambulatory butler or maid who has fond, or other, reminiscences of yon Young Monobrow. Or perhaps a more permanent reminder.

  • Arken

    Speaking of, you know it's almost impossible to get 100% cranbrook juice? It's always cranbrookapple or cranbrook cocktail.

    • anniegetyerfun

      The 100% cranbrook stuff is extremely bitter. I once drank a huge glass of it on an empty stomach (you know, lady bladder issues) and ended up projectile vomiting it in the company's lobby after about five minutes.

      On another note, cranbrook juice is not easily removed from berber carpet.

      • Fucking Islamists…

      • It's not easy for YOU to get cranbrook juice out of a carpet. Now if you had a maid, and she was the right height …

    • SayItWithWookies

      Knudsen's makes some — it's extremely bitter and also expensive, so that's why.

      • The ladiez mix a small amount into the eight glasses of water they drink every day. Then, they are not only thin, but their pee never burns and they don't scream in pain when they are poked.

  • mavenmaven

    Mel Brooks did this same interview better as the 1000 year old man.

  • SorosBot

    I went to a prep school as well; but it wasn't quite as super-rich and elitist as Mitt's, they had scholarships and financial aid so there were actual poor kids there too.

    • Oh. Slum Preparatory. Yes. We've heard of it.

    • emmelemm

      Pffft. Some prep school. What the hell were they thinking?

    • Is it that school where the crimes are always happening on all those Law & Order shows? Did Jerry Orbach and Chris Noth ever sweat you hard over what happened to that scholarship kid from the Bronx, Miguel?

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Wow! An actual fucking elitist!

  • el_donaldo

    This post needs a gallery of actual Wonkette-event, protest march, and other type Kirsten photos. For my research purposes. Yes. Legitimate research purposes.

    • Tits or GTFO

      Oh, excuse me, she's a preppie

      Tits or I have to brush my horse.

    • el_donaldo

      Efforts to assemble one for myself have yielded disturbing results.

      • The ganja picture in Haiti looks promising

        Not sure I like the photo with Kim Jong Il tho….

      • C_R_Eature

        Great. I had to look, the 5th picture is Pennywise the Evil Clown and now I have to start drinking early.

        I really should know better.

        • Harmony times have I told you NEVER to click your fellow-Wonketteers' links? HARMONY?

          • C_R_Eature

            I'm stubborn that way.

            "Do NOT press this button."
            "Do NOT press this button Again."

          • You sure is, ya horrible little CRE_ature.

          • C_R_Eature

            Thanks. that means a lot to me.

      • You are seriously, seriously mentally ill.

  • I was once told by a rich schoolmate that I could not have a ride back to campus in winter because this person had to go brush a horse instead.

    Oh, Kirsten! That's just Elitistspeak for "Tits or GTFO!"

    • Gas, grass or Grey Poupon!

      • *ahem*

        Petrol, Blow (remember, richies) or Poupon…

    • Naked_Bunny

      I'll have to tell my wife I want to brush her horse tonight. It will be grand.

    • rickmaci

      Brush my stallion or walk. Never heard that line before.

      • Ramon X

        The rich are not like you and me.

      • Brushing the stallion is much like polishing the bishop

    • sati_demise

      the real elitists would have said "I have to go watch the groom get my horse ready"

      So, not really elitist

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I feel like such a burden on society what with all my taxpayer funded public education.

    • It's us public school graduates who do all the *real* work in society.

    • CivicHoliday

      moi aussi, and even worse, I now teach at a publicly funded community college! I am like the central hub of government indoctrination!

      • In the People's Republic of Occupy, you will be honored with an ugly, but gargantuan, statue honoring your contribution (no names on it, of course).

      • MadBrahms

        You are Julia, basically.

  • Only my gay best friend at Cranbrook made fun of me every day for a year after I permed my hair.

    Speaking of Hot Gossip, is this KBJ's hair?

    • I miss the Kenny Everett Video Show.

      In fact, I miss Kenny Everett, RIP

    • George Spelvin

      Holy shit. Despite having lived right through the '70s, I somehow missed this. It's like a Vegas act, objectively stupid, but still kind of entrancing.

      Thank Dog for Dire Straits.

    • thebeatgoeson

      I bet none of those people put THAT on their resumés!

  • I wish I still had my gay hair. That means I'd only be 90% bald.

    If I was Republican, it would be more like 40%…

    • rickmaci

      What would that be if you had straight hair?

      • Well, that would be like 60%. The rest is bi-curious

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Gay or bald.

  • Callyson

    Went out with a guy who attended prep school once (he was slumming and hanging out with us public school commoners.) Biggest sex freak I ever dated in high school…seriously, the guy was a pro…

    • ph7

      I went to school with a fair amount of Mormons, and not caring much for religion, mine or others, I simply tried to draw relevant tribal conclusions. And the conclusion that I reached was that most Mormon girls were super horny and quite free-thinking in the bedroom. I don't think they get the chastity beatdown the fundies lay on their kids. It was clear you couldn't marry the girls, but man, you sure could have a good time with them.

      • Muslim girls are like that too. So are some Orthodox Jewish girls. I think the respective churches feel like, "well, we belittle them well enough we don't need to reinforce the sex message too."

        • Islam is one of the few religions that I know of that explicitly grants women the right to sexual satisfaction. (Judaism is another.) It is my understanding that Christianity believes that woman is the reason that man was cast out of Heaven (Eve committed, and led Adam into committing, the first sin), and therefore woman, and female sexuality, are at the root of all sin. Sexuality, especially female sexuality, is to be feared, repressed, and controlled, in Christianity. Since Mormon theology differs slightly on these details, it is quite possible that it permits, or entitles, women's sexual satisfaction, but I have never heard that claim made.

          • doloras

            Islam actually totally denies that the Garden of Eden thing was Eve's fault, so that makes it more feminist than orthodox Judeo-Christianity.

          • Huh. I did not know that. Thank you.

    • prommie

      My preppy college roommate was the biggest drug fiend I ever knew. Ever, ever, ever, I mean, he had an appetite for chemicals that was insatiable. Wake and bake and bake and bake and bake, friends come by, take whatever they had, man. Best time was the night he and 5 or 6 stoner friends did acid and stayed up all night giggling, while I tried to study for a test in my bedroom. At some point they took out a pistol and started shooting at a poster on the wall. Fucking shooting a gun in the house, bullets went through 2 rooms and out.

      • ph7

        Root Boy Slim (a.k.a. Foster McKenzie III)?

        • thebeatgoeson

          Put a quarter in the juke…

  • ph7

    White people's unwanted kids are sent to boarding schools called Cranbook.
    Everyone else's unwanted kids are sent to boarding schools called Juvy Hall.

  • Naked_Bunny

    Man, don't you guys read anybody's resume? Because, if not, I have one I could send to Wonkette if Yahoo! doesn't make me the new CEO. (I'll give it a week.)

  • C'mon over here, Kirsten, and let's wash all that hoi polloi off'n ya.

  • CountryClubJihadi

    I went to Prep School, but of course I got in trouble for breaking the color barrier and never dating the white boys.

  • rickmaci

    You know who else was hopelessly nonathletic and enjoyed humiliating people in public?

    • Don Rickles?

      • Ramon X

        Archie Bunker?

    • anniegetyerfun


    • C_R_Eature

      Spontaneous uncontrollable flatulence?

      • No, hon, the answer to THAT was "Hitler." I think you meant to say "Hitler."

        • C_R_Eature

          Weisswurst Libet!!1!

    • el_donaldo


    • SayItWithWookies
    • Tundra Grifter

      James Carville?

    • doloras

      L. Ron Hubbard?

    • My gym teacher?

  • Mittens should have gone to Milford Academy. Better to be not seen nor heard.

  • That is why I am not a captain of industry or such. I went to public school.

    • finallyhappy

      I went to an all-girls public school- when I tell people they ask if I was pregnant at the time.

  • larrykat

    Christ, it costs $28,000 a year just to attend day school at Cranbrook. No wonder Boyd Johnson can afford to work for the princely sum Wonkette must pay her.

    • ph7

      Kristi should have followed the advice of her upperclassman and borrowed that $28K to start a business.

    • Preferred Customer

      Which actually answers my question above about why anyone would stay in suburban Detroit, because a school like that in Washington DC is going to run you 40+, easy.

      • Negropolis

        Metro Detroit is so cheap because of its preceived undesirability. Even the mansions in the burbs are cheap. It's cheaper than it has any reason being, and it kind of makes me mad.

    • prommie

      This also explains the three names.

  • prommie

    Remember what Bill Murray said, "it just doesn't matter. They're gonna get all the girls anyway, because they're rich. It just doesn't matter."

  • godistwaddle

    Assault (and battery) with scissors is probably the least of Romney's crimes.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Jim Newell” also went to a prep school

    I never knew that gingers were allowed to be preppies.

    • SorosBot

      Fuck, my Prep school was filled with gingers (including me); being a Catholic school in a city with a large Irish population attracts a lot of us (though I'm not Irish).

      • emmelemm

        How do you get red hair if you'rn not a least a little bit Irish?

        • SorosBot

          By being more than a little bit Scottish.

          And if it's not Scottish, it's crap!

          • emmelemm

            Eh, Scottish, Irish, now you're splitting hairs.

    • ZOMG! SorosBot is ALSO a ginger AND a preppie! Does this mean … SorosBot is Jim Newell?

      No wonder he has such an impossibly HYUGE P-ness.

  • PuckStopsHere

    And 'W' enjoyed branding his fellow students. Daddy's money, daddys' connection entitled punk. Let's make him president! It will work out GREAT.

    • Isyaignert

      Don't forget about shoving firecrackers up frogs' butts and lighting them. That dude is a criminal socioathic psycho basturd.

  • BarackMyWorld

    This interview was well written and informative, but I feel could have greatly benefited from pictures of Kristen in her prep school uniform.

    • C_R_Eature

      Well we don't have those, but we do have This.

      EDIT: NSFW, like most other things 'round these parts.

      • Ah, who could forget Samuel L. Bronkowitz?

        Here's a little Killdozer.

        • C_R_Eature

          Yes, one of the Giants of Modern Cinema.

          Hey, wasn't that tune used in the Intermission?

        • George Spelvin

          Thank you for that. Memory fails, sometimes.

      • But SO very fun!

        • C_R_Eature

          "Show me your Nuts!" Classic.

          • I showed it to my partner, whose humour is inclined that way.

            I have now been given the mission of tracking down that FLIM on Netflix for further enjoyment. You're a bad little CRE_ature, but good for my sex life.

          • C_R_Eature

            Good. Now, my mission on this planet is complete.

  • bibliotequetress

    Do any prep schools have "Our Lady" or "End Days" or "Liberty" in the name? I don't think my hometown had prep schools.

    • Our Lady of Perpetual Help, Scottsdale, Arizona. Pre-prep. :-)

      • I went to school in Western Pennsylvania, filled with Catholic schools. The sports pages had headlines like Blessed Mother Clobbers St. Kenny, St. Exurperance Crying Over Loss, and Holy Spirit Cuts Three Seniors.

        • biblioteq_tress

          I got a tweet from a friend who was at a college basketball game in Worcester MA– it said "Holy Cross is on FIRE." Took me a minute to get over the thought that my friend was at a Klan rally.

    • Negropolis

      Theere is actual a Catholic prep school not that far from Cranbrook: Notre Dame (Our Lady) Prep in Pontiac.

  • vulpes82

    No wonder Kristin and Jim can afford to work at Teh Wonketts! They're secretly The Elites! Good thing Ken isn't here anymore, or he'd burn their houses down and introduce them to Madame Guillotine.

  • iburl

    Wow, this really is an elitist website after all.

  • Tundra Grifter

    The right wing nutz are spinning this assult as a "prank."

    I'm guessing they think Florida A&M Drum Corps hazing is a prank, also.

    • horsedreamer_1

      No. FLAM is blah. So, just more retrogressive blah on blah savagery.

  • No wonder Mittens is such a pain in the ass. He went to a Prep-H skool.

  • prommie

    Sod off, you black-balling bastards.

  • C_R_Eature

    Ahh, yes,the Cranbrook Boarding School For Youths Of A Certain Gentility. Just the kind of fine institution where talented young Investment Bankers are made

  • Isyaignert

    You'd think that with a name like "Willard" he'd have had the shit kicked out of him everyday.

  • Kirsten, it was BRILLIANT of you to get those brows waxed. They look MUCH better now.

  • pdiddycornchips

    I don't know why this news makes me sad but it does. I'm feeling a combination of jealousy, pity, rage and inferiority. Sort of like what I suspect Condi Rice felt when Professor Gates told her DNA proved she was 40% European. I don't know what tribe I belong to any more.

    • ph7

      The may be elitists, but the seem just as angry, depressed and disaffected as the rest of us. They just won't die of it, because they have better health care. And a rescue plan involving two dead parents.

    • KBoydJohnson

      Good lord, calm down. I was a scholarship urchin. Still live in a rusted hovel just like every other idiot blogger on the Internet.

  • Chichikovovich

    My goodness – all these private school progeny on Wonkette, editors and commenters alike. I didn't really know what "private school" signified until my mid-twenties. There are some famous private schools in southern Ontario, but up north, there really weren't any private schools to speak of (Ontario has a separate, provincially funded Catholic school system, so a big source of private schools vanishes right there.) There were a couple Catholic boarding schools farther south kids would get sent to by their parents "to get straightened out by the priests" if they were suspended from public high school multiple times or otherwise got in trouble. But that was all. So when I got to an Ivy League school for grad school and started teaching my first section, I thought at first that all of my students had been juvenile delinquents.

    • finallyhappy

      in Philly in the '60s, there were Catholic schools, private Quaker schools(no Quakers actually went there) and "regular" private schools- the ones that let in Jews and Blacks and the ones that didn't. I went to public school

      • I went to Mater Misericordiae prep school in Merion in the 60s.

      • SorosBot

        That's still the case, although a lot of the Catholic parochial schools have been closing down over the past decade or so; not the private Catholic schools though, they're doing fine. But apparently for some reason a lot of parents decided they don't want their young kids go to schools run by diocesan priests.

        • Imagine that! Shocking how the faithful have fallen away, isn't it. I can't think of a single reason Catholic parents should be unwilling to trust their children to the hands of those fine upstanding individuals who are called upon by God for the noble task of priesthood.

          Excuse me, I have to go rinse the taste of vomit out of my mouth now.

    • Preferred Customer

      I'm not sure you were wrong.

    • "get straightened out by the priests"

      Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

      • Chichikovovich

        True, that phrase does have a sinister tone in retrospect.—

    • And they call them "public schools" in England, just to fuck North Americans up, along with driving on the wrong side of the road.

    • You weren't far wrong, Chich. If unwittingly.

  • ph7

    If my friends find out I've been hanging out with Prep School crowd today, I'm not sure they are going to let me piss in the fire pit tonight.

  • sbj1964

    This is so Revenge of the Nerds!Cranbrooks Lamda,Lamda,Lamda.Real life mimics hollywood.Cool.

  • Prep School? I learned everything I know from the School of Hard Knocks. By that, I mean I spent my entire childhood in a pillory getting hit on the head with a hammer. And I watched 8 hours a day of Jerry Springer reruns.

    • Certainly explains why you're so *brilliant,* witty, and just *sparkling* with good cheer.

  • Did Mittens injure any Eurotrash? Enquiring minds want to know.®

  • chascates

    Are any of the Wonkette staff or interns members of the Royal family?

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Don't forget Princess Sparkle Pony. I know it's been a few years, but this has always been a elitist blog.

      And rumor has it that Rebecca is actually Anastasia.

      • chascates

        How could I forget PSP? For those who haven't enjoyed his wit and whimsy:

        And I suspected Rebecca more as one of those French resistance heroines rather than a blue blood.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Vinny Dombrowski's best song is about CommieMom? Stockholm Syndrome much, Beks?

      • Princess Sparkle Pony is the ELITEST!

    • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

      I met the Queen once.

      • C_R_Eature

        I heard that"she ain't no human bein' " but I don't quite believe that.

        • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

          Actually she's fucking lovely. Genuinely nice.

          I couldn't say anything snarky because of the two Gurkhas behind her.

          • George Spelvin

            Good plan. Gurkhas not being renowned for their sense of humor.

          • Well, THEIR sense of humour tends to involve laughing uproariously at the damage those kukris can inflict in short order. Not terribly funny for anyone who might've been carved in the melee, if you get my drift.

          • C_R_Eature

            You, know, I always thought that she's turn out to be genuinely nice. It takes a special kind of person to meet people as a job for almost 70 years and do it well.

            Wise of you not to mess with the Gurkhas. I fear them too but I've always been in envy of those knives.If I could carry a brace of those to work every day I'd have a lot less problems with Certain People.

          • I met her too, once! I was only seven at the time, but I still remember it because I met the President's wife too, that day, and she was beYOOtiful, and I had a HUGE crush on her (even at that tender age). So while meeting the Queen was interesting (and she really IS nice, it must be exhausting having to smile and wave at idiots you really couldn't care less about for hours), it was sort of overshadowed by the childish delight of meeting the Queen of my Dreams.

  • horsedreamer_1


  • Hell, I went to a prep school, back in the late '70s, but it was a little different.

  • Negropolis

    Kirsten, if you don't mind me asking, from where in Metro Detroit are you?


    Looks like Kirsten wants a ride on the roof.

  • I do believe we have stumbled on a rat's nest of Preppies! KBJ, shouldn't you be braiding your pony's hair? Newell, shouldn't you be cutting a pony-boy's hair?

  • Cranbrook is funded by a generous endowment from Ocean Spray.

  • It is my understanding that Lisa Wines is also the reincarnation of Marie Antoinette.

  • ttommyunger

    So, my question is: do these institutions restrict enrollment to elitist snobs or do they devote the entire four years to creating elitist snobs? Inquiring poors want to know.

  • Manhattan123

    Did she lose her virginity to Brendan Fraser but then scorn him when she found out he was secretly a Jew?

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