SECRETS OF THE ELITE  2:51 pm May 11, 2012

Hot Gossip Interview With Wonkette’s Own Former Cranbrook Preppy, Kirsten Boyd Johnson

by Jim Newell

You've changedYesterday we learned all about how young Willard “Mitt” Romney used to terrorize gay people with scissors during his time at the Cranbrook Boarding School For Youths Of A Certain Gentility. And then our own Kirsten Boyd Johnson was like, “Oh yeah I went to Cranbrook.” Jesus Kirsten, ABOUT TIME YOU SAID THAT much? Anyway, here is our revealing (-ish) interview with her about crashed Porsches and stuff.

Wonkette: Kirsten, you attended Cranbrook several decades after Mitt Romney did. What was he like?

Kirsten: Yes sorry, just as a warning my Internet is going in and out with a lot of frequency because the wifi receiver on my computer is made of toothpicks and marshmallows.

So you’re saying Mitt Romney was a computer.

A poorly made one, very cheap. He used to steal grease from the fryer traps in the cafeteria. I really need a new computer. Where is Mitt Romney when I need him nowadays?

Yes, where is he? You should know. We’re assuming your father is Mitt Romney, since no one else can afford to send their children to Cranbrook. If not, how did you pay for this place?

That’s a true thing, Jim. I am one of Mitt Romney’s secret children. Haven’t you noticed that I’m blond, like Ann, who also went to Cranbrook? It all adds up.

Is there a painting or auditorium or field or whatever named after Mitt Romney, at Cranbrook? We could google this, but instead we’ll ask you, and maybe you can google it.

I named some of the swans that live in the campus lake after him one time. Three of them. The school has its own swans! Those are the only official school items named after Mitt Romney.

Did you ever forcibly cut a gay’s hair, or did you ever have your gay hair forcibly cut?

No. Only my gay best friend at Cranbrook made fun of me every day for a year after I permed my hair. But he did not cut it off, unlike Mitt Romney.

Oh god, you had a gay best friend. Let’s hope he wasn’t able to graduate. Now tell us the funniest story you recall about one of the rich preppies doing an asshole rich preppy thing.

I was once told by a rich schoolmate that I could not have a ride back to campus in winter because this person had to go brush a horse instead.

Oh, man. Another please.

The head of the debate team totaled a Porsche 911 one time and came to school driving a Range Rover the next week. He was not really the head of the debate team. He was captain of a different club. I am protecting his identity so he doesn’t call Mitt Romney and order me murdered.

Yeah, Tagg would definitely call his dad over so don’t reveal his name. So to wrap things up, a two-part question: (1) Did you like Cranbrook? (2) Is there an actual “brook” that’s red because of “cranberry juice” but is actually the blood of murdered gay teenagers? (3) Why aren’t you a lawyer instead of writing for some shitty website? (FULL DISCLOSURE: “Jim Newell” also went to a prep school but you are not allowed to interview him about this, ha ha.)

1. Yes, I loved it. (Please do not murder me, alumni office people.) 2. No, they just bury their bodies beneath the Greek Amphitheater in the campus woods. 3. Are you secretly my grandmother, Jim? She asks me this all the time.

Ha ha, that would make you Mitt Romney’s mom.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 292 comments }

MrFizzy May 11, 2012 at 2:53 pm

As an alum maybe you could get Romney the Human Mayonnaise Vessel to write a few Wonk pieces.

el_donaldo May 11, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Q.E.D. Jim Newell is also Ann Romney's mother-in-law.

actor212 May 11, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Would explain the hair

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 11, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Ann's, or her MIL's? They're both awful.

prommie May 11, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Fuck you preppy fucks. Did the Saudi's have the best blow?

Fare la Volpe May 11, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Saudis for opium. Trust funds for blow.

mrpuma2u May 11, 2012 at 3:19 pm

No that would have been the punk whose Defense contractor dad sold a buncha death goodies to the Columbians, using Eric Holder's secretary to launder the money via Chiquita industries.

Chill-A-Sketch May 11, 2012 at 2:55 pm

I think we just found our Mole…

NotYerGaryBusey May 11, 2012 at 2:56 pm

The important question is: Did she receive either the perfect attendance pin or the punctuality pin?

Tundra Grifter May 11, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Long as it wasn't a PLEDGE PIN!

FNMA May 11, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Elitists.

ifthethunderdontgetya May 11, 2012 at 2:57 pm

(FULL DISCLOSURE: “Jim Newell” also went to a prep school but you are not allowed to interview him about this, ha ha.)

Jim Newell Interview time!

Ken was never able to drag this info out, but I think we're getting somewhere.
~

WIDTAP May 11, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Apparently our new Editrix threaten to have inappropriate sexual relationships with Newall's skull.

Preferred Customer May 11, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Every time I hear someone talk about Romney going to Cranbrook, all I can think is "at least it wasn't DCD."

EDIT: Also, too, I am amazed by the sheer size of the suburban Detroit diaspora. And I am amazed that it is not bigger, because seriously why would anyone stay in suburban Detroit?

vodkamuppet May 11, 2012 at 3:15 pm

I live in downtown Detroit and whenever I go out to the burbs my first question is always "what the fuck do you people do out here?" followed by "how do you not have multiple DUI's?"

Fare la Volpe May 11, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Because the cops are profiling all the minorities criminal scum downtown.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 11, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Also too.

Chichikovovich May 11, 2012 at 3:23 pm

That's why people have chauffeurs, silly.

Preferred Customer May 11, 2012 at 3:26 pm

The answer to your first question is "get multiple DUIs." The answer to your second question is "not applicable."

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 11, 2012 at 4:18 pm

I don't know about YOUR burbs, but the way the rich bitches here avoid them is by (1) making it a point to KNOW their local pigs; (2) making it a point to ensure that the local pigs know how rich and powerful said rich bitches are; (3) pulling rank and batting lashes; (4) having chauffeurs, if all else fails.

Butch_Wagstaff May 11, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Do we live in the same city?

Sometimes the "West End Wendies" (as we refer to them) get fuckin' police escorts back to their houses after a night of partying.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 11, 2012 at 9:53 pm

I don't think so, although I wish we did. I left out the fuckin' police escorts business because that always makes me so steaming mad. As a Person of Brownness, the only police escorts I've ever been offered had something to do with a Maria of Blackness.

PuckStopsHere May 11, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Because it's easy to get Pistons tickets.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 11, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Jesus Christ! What the FUCK is your av, Preferred?

Preferred Customer May 11, 2012 at 4:54 pm

It is a dog, in space. And the earth. And a nebula? Something.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 11, 2012 at 9:30 pm

Oh. OK.

For just one heart-stopping minute, I thought it was an alien vagina-equivalent with a little face-sucking tentacled monster coming out of it. Gotta lay off this bitchin' new weed.

Stevola May 12, 2012 at 1:24 am

Share

Negropolis May 11, 2012 at 11:47 pm

Detroit Catholic Central (which is neither central nor in Detroit) has also become very obnoxious.

littlebigdaddy May 11, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Needz moar Abercrombie & Fitch.

Pragmatist2 May 11, 2012 at 2:57 pm

I understand Kirsten to say that Ann and Mitt Romney are actually brother and sister as well as husband and wife. My question is this: will that hurt him or help him in the Red States?

el_donaldo May 11, 2012 at 3:01 pm

It gives them a serious advantage in machination and intr!gue in Westeros.

C_R_Eature May 11, 2012 at 3:06 pm

"intr!gue". I see what you did there.

So, Improper utilization of any iteration of That Word will still send my posts straight to the Naughty Room?
Good to know.

el_donaldo May 11, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Yes, seriously frustrating. Ban filters and all that. Snark has a limited shelf life.

C_R_Eature May 11, 2012 at 3:14 pm

That it does. We're running for "p's", for Pete's sake!

Arkoday May 11, 2012 at 3:14 pm

That "!" looks suspiciously like one of those levers used to fire a weapon.

Chet Kincaid May 12, 2012 at 1:53 am

Intrigue intrigue intrigue.

Pragmatist2 May 11, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Whoa! This is seriously inside baseball.
I was hoping for comments more along the lines of:
"Incest will lead to gay marriage which leads to polygamy which,we all know, is the direct path to bestiality."

el_donaldo May 11, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Well, yes, there's that. If someone were to be actually, you know, funny. But for the rest of us …

actor212 May 11, 2012 at 3:37 pm

We're not allowed to be funny anymore. This is a mommyblog now.

C_R_Eature May 11, 2012 at 2:58 pm

This interview needs more Decadence and Debauchery.

Steverino247 May 11, 2012 at 4:27 pm

I'm sorry. We used up all the Decadence and Debauchery last night in Los Angeles. Perhaps we can borrow some from Las Vegas?

C_R_Eature May 11, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Rats, I knew i missed something.

Ooh, Las Vegas? We can't go there , that's Bat Country!

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 11, 2012 at 9:34 pm

Linky no worky, dammit. Fixie?

C_R_Eature May 11, 2012 at 9:46 pm

Yarbles! I always (well, mostly always) check these links!

Here: Bat Country.

Thnx!!

bfstevie May 11, 2012 at 2:59 pm

I found this on Wikipedia. "'Kirsten boyd johnson' does not exist."

What's the deal, Mr. Newell, if that is your real name?

el_donaldo May 11, 2012 at 3:03 pm

It's apparently Lenore Romney.

Designer_Rants May 11, 2012 at 5:26 pm

KBJ is Jim Newell in drag. It gets real weird in a situation such as this, where his split personalities converse with each other via email. Jim's doctors would really prefer we didn't encourage this behavior.

starfanglednut May 11, 2012 at 5:53 pm

It would just result in further splitting, and interfere with the theraputic process

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 11, 2012 at 9:35 pm

Didn't the brilliant Robert Stoller write a book titled "Splitting: A Case of Female Masculinity"?

Fairtackle May 11, 2012 at 2:59 pm

What is a perp school?

Pragmatist2 May 11, 2012 at 3:16 pm

It's where they teach you to do the Perp Walk.

Barb May 11, 2012 at 3:00 pm

So you’re saying Mitt Romney was a computer.

Yes, and he was programmed a homophobe who assaults innocent gay people. Model type: Don't Ask, Don't Dell.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 11, 2012 at 9:36 pm

I'm burning with rage over this. It reminds me of my brother and his "demonstrations" of how to be a MAN instead of a SissyWimpFaggot, ya little SissyWimpFaggot that he plagued my yoof wiv.

spends2much May 11, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Huh. Even reading an article about Mitt Romney were I learn nothing about him, I still end up liking him less. And by "liking him less" I mean loathing him more.

Baconzgood May 11, 2012 at 3:00 pm

SLIVER SPOON LIBEL!!!!!!!

SorosBot May 11, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Together, we're gonna find our way;
Together, takin' the time each day.

MissTaken May 11, 2012 at 3:00 pm

How tall are the trees at Cranbrook?

Preferred Customer May 11, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Just the right height.

MosesInvests May 11, 2012 at 3:37 pm

…for lynching heaumeaux.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 11, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Obvys, they're NOT the right height, that honour being reserved for Michigander trees.

HistoriCat May 11, 2012 at 5:37 pm

"Cranbrook Schools is a private college prep boarding school located in Bloomfield Hills, Michigan, near Detroit. "

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 11, 2012 at 9:37 pm

AAAAAUUUUGGGH! Come back here, ya furry little bastid!

Jukesgrrl May 11, 2012 at 5:52 pm

You think Rmoney can't have it both ways?

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 12, 2012 at 1:58 pm

I guess when you're obscenely wealthy like RMONEY, you can have it any way you want it.

LastGasp May 11, 2012 at 3:01 pm

If that article doesn't win a Pulitzer for investigative journalism well then, something's wrong with the world.

SayItWithWookies May 11, 2012 at 3:44 pm

It can at least get nominated.

C_R_Eature May 11, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Submitted for Nomination!Twice! That would look great as a blurb on a book jacket, no?

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 11, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Well … a certain Pantload might protest, with a quiver of indignation.

C_R_Eature May 11, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Hey, Submitted for Nomination, Nominated…easy mistake! Happens to everyone, eh? Why, just the other day I thought I won the Nobel prize!

"quiver of indignation." I'm sure many things were quivering. And now for the Brain Bleach.

EatsBabyDingos May 11, 2012 at 4:08 pm

With a $50 entrance fee. I am in for a zloty.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 11, 2012 at 4:25 pm

One-tenth of a riel!

ph7 May 11, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Then and now. Apropo of nothing, as a sophomore at Yale in 1965, George W. Bush lashed out at a friend for calling a suspected gay student a queer, telling him "Shut up and why don't you try walking in his shoes for a while and see how it feels before you make a comment like that?"

Chichikovovich May 11, 2012 at 3:10 pm

So the young Romney was even more of an asshat than the young W. No wonder the party nominated him.

Tommy1733 May 11, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Is this a true story? If so I am impressed by good old W.

anniegetyerfun May 11, 2012 at 3:36 pm

That sound you hear is my head exploding.

edgydrifter May 11, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Yeah, but that was before he "gave up" booze and found Jesus. Go figure.

BarackMyWorld May 11, 2012 at 3:51 pm

+100

SayItWithWookies May 11, 2012 at 3:49 pm

That's shocking in its humanity. Who knew that Dubya sucked cock?

HempDogbane May 11, 2012 at 4:26 pm

I have no trouble imagining that W is and was a much finer human being the Mitt. Also, that he was a much finer POTUS than Mitt would be. Also also, hoping this continues to be only speculative.

doloras May 11, 2012 at 8:42 pm

W: had a soul and sold it.
Rmoney: never had a soul to start with.

Spurning Beer May 11, 2012 at 9:29 pm

…but would buy one if it came with a disable switch and a Twitter feed.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 11, 2012 at 4:31 pm

It's anecdotal, and I find it difficult to square with the reports of his cruelty as a child and as an adult, but, if true, it makes Romney look even worse. I heard many negative things about G.W. Bush before he took office, and after some of his more spectacular and grievous stupidities, I resolved to take such things more seriously in future.

This article gives me a VERY BAD feeling. I can't let this man become the next President.

gurukalehuru May 12, 2012 at 6:23 am

Was that before, or after, he boinked Turdblossom up the butthole?

prommie May 11, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Hey, wait, I thought the prep schools were all about circle-jerks and homoerotic hijinks amongst the boys, even if not quite as much out and out buggery as in England. So whats with Mitt's being so down on teh gays?

FakaktaSouth May 11, 2012 at 3:28 pm

I thought it was about standing on your desk yelling o captain my captain, seizing the day and then jumping off the roof. It's not too late emulate THAT piece of shit prep school cliche either, RomNiedermeyer.

prommie May 11, 2012 at 3:32 pm

And then there is the undercover jew football scholarship boy, I bet Rom picked on him, too.

Negropolis May 11, 2012 at 11:49 pm

Cranbrook has a boys and girls school.

Chet Kincaid May 12, 2012 at 2:09 am

A bunch of boys holding a boy down and molesting his luxurious locks? Think about it.

Goonemeritus May 11, 2012 at 3:03 pm

As a former Prep school type myself (Donald Trump went to mine) I reject the notion that Mitt’s actions were motivated purely by homophobia. I’m sure he tortured his share of straight kids, cripples, and old people too.

SorosBot May 11, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Nerds, dweebs and eggheads too.

Chichikovovich May 11, 2012 at 3:15 pm

The sportos and motor heads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies, dickheads…they all loathed him. They thought he was an unrighteous prick.

Edit: and still do.

thebeatgoeson May 14, 2012 at 1:00 am

Yay for Edie McClurg!

Ramon X May 11, 2012 at 3:33 pm

That needed to be said.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 11, 2012 at 4:35 pm

He certainly thought it was funny to play a "prank" on a blind teacher — one that involved watching him walk into a wall. I always find those things amusing ever since I became disabled, being both myopic and astigmatic, and prone to walking into things as a result of often having my face stuck in a book.

starfanglednut May 11, 2012 at 5:58 pm

My ex had a pug. When he carried a frisbee in his mouth, it blocked his eyes, and he ran into walls all the time. God I miss that dog. Teh girl, not so much.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 11, 2012 at 9:41 pm

Oh, that poor little pupper! I know it's cruel to laugh, but having spent most of my life nursing bumps and lumps on my face and head from repeatedly walking into street signs, telephone poles, and roadside accoutrements while reading, believe me, the laughter is sympathetic!

Sorry about the girl, but definitely sorrier about the dog! Pugs are awfully cute and silly.

Negropolis May 11, 2012 at 11:50 pm

Well, duh. You're never going to torture just gay kids. It's almost always part of a greater and general intolerance. This is kind of a given.

Chet Kincaid May 12, 2012 at 2:11 am

"I have always thought there was some higher purpose to my life — some greater and general intolerance. And that's why I want to be your President."

Wonderthing May 11, 2012 at 3:03 pm

I went to a prep school. I learned how to prep dishes for a chef. Well, a cook. Well, my mom. Well, me.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 11, 2012 at 4:36 pm

As a person who cooks a great deal I can tell you, there's nothing like a good prep cook. In fact, do you have a day job you could quit? I can feed you good.

Spurning Beer May 11, 2012 at 9:31 pm

So Cranbrook is a sous school?

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 12, 2012 at 3:09 pm

A sous-vide school. Haha.

bfstevie May 11, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Little known fact: This school was also the birthplace of Cranmars Delicious Mystery Appetizer.

Not_So_Much May 11, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Are Mitt's initials carved in a desk somewhere? Or just on The Help (that survived)?

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 11, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Oh, you know it's tough to replace those authentic cherrywood handmade 17th-century antique student desks.

Skin grows back, but you might find an ancient and ambulatory butler or maid who has fond, or other, reminiscences of yon Young Monobrow. Or perhaps a more permanent reminder.

Arken May 11, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Speaking of, you know it's almost impossible to get 100% cranbrook juice? It's always cranbrookapple or cranbrook cocktail.

anniegetyerfun May 11, 2012 at 3:38 pm

The 100% cranbrook stuff is extremely bitter. I once drank a huge glass of it on an empty stomach (you know, lady bladder issues) and ended up projectile vomiting it in the company's lobby after about five minutes.

On another note, cranbrook juice is not easily removed from berber carpet.

actor212 May 11, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Fucking Islamists…

Jukesgrrl May 11, 2012 at 5:57 pm

It's not easy for YOU to get cranbrook juice out of a carpet. Now if you had a maid, and she was the right height …

SayItWithWookies May 11, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Knudsen's makes some — it's extremely bitter and also expensive, so that's why.

Jukesgrrl May 11, 2012 at 6:00 pm

The ladiez mix a small amount into the eight glasses of water they drink every day. Then, they are not only thin, but their pee never burns and they don't scream in pain when they are poked.

mavenmaven May 11, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Mel Brooks did this same interview better as the 1000 year old man.

SorosBot May 11, 2012 at 3:09 pm

I went to a prep school as well; but it wasn't quite as super-rich and elitist as Mitt's, they had scholarships and financial aid so there were actual poor kids there too.

actor212 May 11, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Oh. Slum Preparatory. Yes. We've heard of it.

emmelemm May 11, 2012 at 5:41 pm

Pffft. Some prep school. What the hell were they thinking?

Chet Kincaid May 12, 2012 at 2:15 am

Is it that school where the crimes are always happening on all those Law & Order shows? Did Jerry Orbach and Chris Noth ever sweat you hard over what happened to that scholarship kid from the Bronx, Miguel?

BigSkullF*ckingDog May 11, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Wow! An actual fucking elitist!

el_donaldo May 11, 2012 at 3:10 pm

This post needs a gallery of actual Wonkette-event, protest march, and other type Kirsten photos. For my research purposes. Yes. Legitimate research purposes.

actor212 May 11, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Tits or GTFO

Oh, excuse me, she's a preppie

Tits or I have to brush my horse.

el_donaldo May 11, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Efforts to assemble one for myself have yielded disturbing results.

actor212 May 11, 2012 at 3:31 pm

The ganja picture in Haiti looks promising

Not sure I like the photo with Kim Jong Il tho….

C_R_Eature May 11, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Great. I had to look, the 5th picture is Pennywise the Evil Clown and now I have to start drinking early.

I really should know better.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 11, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Harmony times have I told you NEVER to click your fellow-Wonketteers' links? HARMONY?

C_R_Eature May 11, 2012 at 6:51 pm

I'm stubborn that way.

"Do NOT press this button."
*press*
"Do NOT press this button Again."

starfanglednut May 11, 2012 at 6:00 pm

You are seriously, seriously mentally ill.

actor212 May 11, 2012 at 3:10 pm

I was once told by a rich schoolmate that I could not have a ride back to campus in winter because this person had to go brush a horse instead.

Oh, Kirsten! That's just Elitistspeak for "Tits or GTFO!"

slowhansolo May 11, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Gas, grass or Grey Poupon!

actor212 May 11, 2012 at 3:23 pm

*ahem*

Petrol, Blow (remember, richies) or Poupon…

slowhansolo May 11, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Hoisted by my own proletard!

Naked_Bunny May 11, 2012 at 3:23 pm

I'll have to tell my wife I want to brush her horse tonight. It will be grand.

rickmaci May 11, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Brush my stallion or walk. Never heard that line before.

Ramon X May 11, 2012 at 3:34 pm

The rich are not like you and me.

actor212 May 11, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Brushing the stallion is much like polishing the bishop

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 11, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Choking the chicken.

Biff? Where are ya, hon?

sati_demise May 11, 2012 at 4:37 pm

the real elitists would have said "I have to go watch the groom get my horse ready"

So, not really elitist

BigSkullF*ckingDog May 11, 2012 at 3:11 pm

I feel like such a burden on society what with all my taxpayer funded public education.

valthemus May 11, 2012 at 3:24 pm

It's us public school graduates who do all the *real* work in society.

CivicHoliday May 11, 2012 at 5:32 pm

moi aussi, and even worse, I now teach at a publicly funded community college! I am like the central hub of government indoctrination!

Jukesgrrl May 11, 2012 at 6:06 pm

In the People's Republic of Occupy, you will be honored with an ugly, but gargantuan, statue honoring your contribution (no names on it, of course).

MadBrahms May 11, 2012 at 6:49 pm

You are Julia, basically.

ifthethunderdontgetya May 11, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Only my gay best friend at Cranbrook made fun of me every day for a year after I permed my hair.

Speaking of Hot Gossip, is this KBJ's hair?
~

actor212 May 11, 2012 at 3:19 pm

I miss the Kenny Everett Video Show.

In fact, I miss Kenny Everett, RIP

George Spelvin May 12, 2012 at 1:40 am

Holy shit. Despite having lived right through the '70s, I somehow missed this. It's like a Vegas act, objectively stupid, but still kind of entrancing.

Thank Dog for Dire Straits.

thebeatgoeson May 14, 2012 at 1:05 am

I bet none of those people put THAT on their resumés!

actor212 May 11, 2012 at 3:18 pm

I wish I still had my gay hair. That means I'd only be 90% bald.

If I was Republican, it would be more like 40%…

rickmaci May 11, 2012 at 3:32 pm

What would that be if you had straight hair?

actor212 May 11, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Well, that would be like 60%. The rest is bi-curious

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 11, 2012 at 7:38 pm

Gay or bald.

Callyson May 11, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Went out with a guy who attended prep school once (he was slumming and hanging out with us public school commoners.) Biggest sex freak I ever dated in high school…seriously, the guy was a pro…

ph7 May 11, 2012 at 3:27 pm

I went to school with a fair amount of Mormons, and not caring much for religion, mine or others, I simply tried to draw relevant tribal conclusions. And the conclusion that I reached was that most Mormon girls were super horny and quite free-thinking in the bedroom. I don't think they get the chastity beatdown the fundies lay on their kids. It was clear you couldn't marry the girls, but man, you sure could have a good time with them.

actor212 May 11, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Muslim girls are like that too. So are some Orthodox Jewish girls. I think the respective churches feel like, "well, we belittle them well enough we don't need to reinforce the sex message too."

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 11, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Islam is one of the few religions that I know of that explicitly grants women the right to sexual satisfaction. (Judaism is another.) It is my understanding that Christianity believes that woman is the reason that man was cast out of Heaven (Eve committed, and led Adam into committing, the first sin), and therefore woman, and female sexuality, are at the root of all sin. Sexuality, especially female sexuality, is to be feared, repressed, and controlled, in Christianity. Since Mormon theology differs slightly on these details, it is quite possible that it permits, or entitles, women's sexual satisfaction, but I have never heard that claim made.

doloras May 11, 2012 at 9:05 pm

Islam actually totally denies that the Garden of Eden thing was Eve's fault, so that makes it more feminist than orthodox Judeo-Christianity.

prommie May 11, 2012 at 3:29 pm

My preppy college roommate was the biggest drug fiend I ever knew. Ever, ever, ever, I mean, he had an appetite for chemicals that was insatiable. Wake and bake and bake and bake and bake, friends come by, take whatever they had, man. Best time was the night he and 5 or 6 stoner friends did acid and stayed up all night giggling, while I tried to study for a test in my bedroom. At some point they took out a pistol and started shooting at a poster on the wall. Fucking shooting a gun in the house, bullets went through 2 rooms and out.

ph7 May 11, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Root Boy Slim (a.k.a. Foster McKenzie III)?

thebeatgoeson May 14, 2012 at 1:09 am

Put a quarter in the juke…

ph7 May 11, 2012 at 3:21 pm

White people's unwanted kids are sent to boarding schools called Cranbook.
Everyone else's unwanted kids are sent to boarding schools called Juvy Hall.

starfanglednut May 11, 2012 at 6:03 pm

Ahhh, my alma mater.

Naked_Bunny May 11, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Man, don't you guys read anybody's resume? Because, if not, I have one I could send to Wonkette if Yahoo! doesn't make me the new CEO. (I'll give it a week.)

slowhansolo May 11, 2012 at 3:22 pm

C'mon over here, Kirsten, and let's wash all that hoi polloi off'n ya.

CountryClubJihadi May 11, 2012 at 3:23 pm

I went to Prep School, but of course I got in trouble for breaking the color barrier and never dating the white boys.

rickmaci May 11, 2012 at 3:26 pm

You know who else was hopelessly nonathletic and enjoyed humiliating people in public?

actor212 May 11, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Don Rickles?

Ramon X May 11, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Archie Bunker?

anniegetyerfun May 11, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Me?

C_R_Eature May 11, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Spontaneous uncontrollable flatulence?

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 11, 2012 at 4:53 pm

No, hon, the answer to THAT was "Hitler." I think you meant to say "Hitler."

C_R_Eature May 11, 2012 at 5:56 pm

Weisswurst Libet!!1!

el_donaldo May 11, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Daria?

SayItWithWookies May 11, 2012 at 3:58 pm
Tundra Grifter May 11, 2012 at 4:02 pm

James Carville?

doloras May 11, 2012 at 9:06 pm

L. Ron Hubbard?

MilwaukeeKent May 11, 2012 at 9:22 pm

My gym teacher?

ManchuCandidate May 11, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Mittens should have gone to Milford Academy. Better to be not seen nor heard.

Maman May 11, 2012 at 3:27 pm

That is why I am not a captain of industry or such. I went to public school.

finallyhappy May 11, 2012 at 4:33 pm

I went to an all-girls public school- when I tell people they ask if I was pregnant at the time.

larrykat May 11, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Christ, it costs $28,000 a year just to attend day school at Cranbrook. No wonder Boyd Johnson can afford to work for the princely sum Wonkette must pay her.

ph7 May 11, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Kristi should have followed the advice of her upperclassman and borrowed that $28K to start a business.

Preferred Customer May 11, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Which actually answers my question above about why anyone would stay in suburban Detroit, because a school like that in Washington DC is going to run you 40+, easy.

Negropolis May 11, 2012 at 11:57 pm

Metro Detroit is so cheap because of its preceived undesirability. Even the mansions in the burbs are cheap. It's cheaper than it has any reason being, and it kind of makes me mad.

prommie May 11, 2012 at 4:04 pm

This also explains the three names.

prommie May 11, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Remember what Bill Murray said, "it just doesn't matter. They're gonna get all the girls anyway, because they're rich. It just doesn't matter."

godistwaddle May 11, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Assault (and battery) with scissors is probably the least of Romney's crimes.

Oblios_Cap May 11, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Jim Newell” also went to a prep school

I never knew that gingers were allowed to be preppies.

actor212 May 11, 2012 at 4:10 pm
SorosBot May 11, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Fuck, my Prep school was filled with gingers (including me); being a Catholic school in a city with a large Irish population attracts a lot of us (though I'm not Irish).

emmelemm May 11, 2012 at 5:44 pm

How do you get red hair if you'rn not a least a little bit Irish?

SorosBot May 11, 2012 at 5:56 pm

By being more than a little bit Scottish.

And if it's not Scottish, it's crap!

emmelemm May 11, 2012 at 6:15 pm

Eh, Scottish, Irish, now you're splitting hairs.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 11, 2012 at 4:56 pm

ZOMG! SorosBot is ALSO a ginger AND a preppie! Does this mean … SorosBot is Jim Newell?

No wonder he has such an impossibly HYUGE P-ness.

starfanglednut May 11, 2012 at 6:06 pm

You're pretty well endowed yourself.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 11, 2012 at 9:49 pm

Why, thank you. (swings dick)

Oh, you meant the OTHER kind. Right.

PuckStopsHere May 11, 2012 at 3:45 pm

And 'W' enjoyed branding his fellow students. Daddy's money, daddys' connection entitled punk. Let's make him president! It will work out GREAT.

Isyaignert May 11, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Don't forget about shoving firecrackers up frogs' butts and lighting them. That dude is a criminal socioathic psycho basturd.

BarackMyWorld May 11, 2012 at 3:47 pm

This interview was well written and informative, but I feel could have greatly benefited from pictures of Kristen in her prep school uniform.

C_R_Eature May 11, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Well we don't have those, but we do have This.

EDIT: NSFW, like most other things 'round these parts.

ifthethunderdontgetya May 11, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Ah, who could forget Samuel L. Bronkowitz?

Here's a little Killdozer.
~

C_R_Eature May 11, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Yes, one of the Giants of Modern Cinema.

Hey, wasn't that tune used in the Intermission?

George Spelvin May 12, 2012 at 1:57 am

Thank you for that. Memory fails, sometimes.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 11, 2012 at 5:04 pm

But SO very fun!

C_R_Eature May 11, 2012 at 6:00 pm

"Show me your Nuts!" Classic.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 11, 2012 at 9:50 pm

I showed it to my partner, whose humour is inclined that way.

I have now been given the mission of tracking down that FLIM on Netflix for further enjoyment. You're a bad little CRE_ature, but good for my sex life.

bibliotequetress May 11, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Do any prep schools have "Our Lady" or "End Days" or "Liberty" in the name? I don't think my hometown had prep schools.

lisawines May 11, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Our Lady of Perpetual Help, Scottsdale, Arizona. Pre-prep. :-)

Jukesgrrl May 11, 2012 at 6:27 pm

I went to school in Western Pennsylvania, filled with Catholic schools. The sports pages had headlines like Blessed Mother Clobbers St. Kenny, St. Exurperance Crying Over Loss, and Holy Spirit Cuts Three Seniors.

biblioteq_tress May 12, 2012 at 10:59 am

I got a tweet from a friend who was at a college basketball game in Worcester MA– it said "Holy Cross is on FIRE." Took me a minute to get over the thought that my friend was at a Klan rally.

Negropolis May 12, 2012 at 10:29 pm

Theere is actual a Catholic prep school not that far from Cranbrook: Notre Dame (Our Lady) Prep in Pontiac.

vulpes82 May 11, 2012 at 3:49 pm

No wonder Kristin and Jim can afford to work at Teh Wonketts! They're secretly The Elites! Good thing Ken isn't here anymore, or he'd burn their houses down and introduce them to Madame Guillotine.

iburl May 11, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Wow, this really is an elitist website after all.

Designer_Rants May 11, 2012 at 6:42 pm

SNOBS!

Tundra Grifter May 11, 2012 at 4:03 pm

The right wing nutz are spinning this assult as a "prank."

I'm guessing they think Florida A&M Drum Corps hazing is a prank, also.

horsedreamer_1 May 12, 2012 at 1:13 pm

No. FLAM is blah. So, just more retrogressive blah on blah savagery.

weejee May 11, 2012 at 4:04 pm

No wonder Mittens is such a pain in the ass. He went to a Prep-H skool.

prommie May 11, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Sod off, you black-balling bastards.

C_R_Eature May 11, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Ahh, yes,the Cranbrook Boarding School For Youths Of A Certain Gentility. Just the kind of fine institution where talented young Investment Bankers are made

Isyaignert May 11, 2012 at 4:11 pm

You'd think that with a name like "Willard" he'd have had the shit kicked out of him everyday.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 12, 2012 at 1:40 pm

I think in those schools EVRYBODY is named after a rat.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 11, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Kirsten, it was BRILLIANT of you to get those brows waxed. They look MUCH better now.

pdiddycornchips May 11, 2012 at 4:18 pm

I don't know why this news makes me sad but it does. I'm feeling a combination of jealousy, pity, rage and inferiority. Sort of like what I suspect Condi Rice felt when Professor Gates told her DNA proved she was 40% European. I don't know what tribe I belong to any more.

ph7 May 11, 2012 at 5:06 pm

The may be elitists, but the seem just as angry, depressed and disaffected as the rest of us. They just won't die of it, because they have better health care. And a rescue plan involving two dead parents.

KBoydJohnson May 11, 2012 at 5:58 pm

Good lord, calm down. I was a scholarship urchin. Still live in a rusted hovel just like every other idiot blogger on the Internet.

Chichikovovich May 11, 2012 at 4:32 pm

My goodness – all these private school progeny on Wonkette, editors and commenters alike. I didn't really know what "private school" signified until my mid-twenties. There are some famous private schools in southern Ontario, but up north, there really weren't any private schools to speak of (Ontario has a separate, provincially funded Catholic school system, so a big source of private schools vanishes right there.) There were a couple Catholic boarding schools farther south kids would get sent to by their parents "to get straightened out by the priests" if they were suspended from public high school multiple times or otherwise got in trouble. But that was all. So when I got to an Ivy League school for grad school and started teaching my first section, I thought at first that all of my students had been juvenile delinquents.

finallyhappy May 11, 2012 at 4:36 pm

in Philly in the '60s, there were Catholic schools, private Quaker schools(no Quakers actually went there) and "regular" private schools- the ones that let in Jews and Blacks and the ones that didn't. I went to public school

lisawines May 11, 2012 at 4:43 pm

I went to Mater Misericordiae prep school in Merion in the 60s.

Jukesgrrl May 11, 2012 at 6:29 pm

You have to be able to spell it to get in?

lisawines May 11, 2012 at 6:48 pm

I had to Google it. :-)

SorosBot May 11, 2012 at 5:58 pm

That's still the case, although a lot of the Catholic parochial schools have been closing down over the past decade or so; not the private Catholic schools though, they're doing fine. But apparently for some reason a lot of parents decided they don't want their young kids go to schools run by diocesan priests.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 12, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Imagine that! Shocking how the faithful have fallen away, isn't it. I can't think of a single reason Catholic parents should be unwilling to trust their children to the hands of those fine upstanding individuals who are called upon by God for the noble task of priesthood.

Excuse me, I have to go rinse the taste of vomit out of my mouth now.

Preferred Customer May 11, 2012 at 5:27 pm

I'm not sure you were wrong.

starfanglednut May 11, 2012 at 6:09 pm

"get straightened out by the priests"

Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

Chichikovovich May 11, 2012 at 6:46 pm

True, that phrase does have a sinister tone in retrospect.—

Chet Kincaid May 12, 2012 at 2:22 am

And they call them "public schools" in England, just to fuck North Americans up, along with driving on the wrong side of the road.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 12, 2012 at 1:41 pm

You weren't far wrong, Chich. If unwittingly.

ph7 May 11, 2012 at 5:04 pm

If my friends find out I've been hanging out with Prep School crowd today, I'm not sure they are going to let me piss in the fire pit tonight.

sbj1964 May 11, 2012 at 6:28 pm

This is so Revenge of the Nerds!Cranbrooks Lamda,Lamda,Lamda.Real life mimics hollywood.Cool.

Designer_Rants May 11, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Prep School? I learned everything I know from the School of Hard Knocks. By that, I mean I spent my entire childhood in a pillory getting hit on the head with a hammer. And I watched 8 hours a day of Jerry Springer reruns.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 12, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Certainly explains why you're so *brilliant,* witty, and just *sparkling* with good cheer.

Jukesgrrl May 11, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Did Mittens injure any Eurotrash? Enquiring minds want to know.®

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 12, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Killed a couple in Eurotrashopia.

chascates May 11, 2012 at 7:30 pm

Are any of the Wonkette staff or interns members of the Royal family?

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 11, 2012 at 7:51 pm

Don't forget Princess Sparkle Pony. I know it's been a few years, but this has always been a elitist blog.

And rumor has it that Rebecca is actually Anastasia.

chascates May 11, 2012 at 7:56 pm

How could I forget PSP? For those who haven't enjoyed his wit and whimsy: http://sparklepony.blogspot.com/

And I suspected Rebecca more as one of those French resistance heroines rather than a blue blood.

horsedreamer_1 May 12, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Vinny Dombrowski's best song is about CommieMom? Stockholm Syndrome much, Beks?

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 12, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Princess Sparkle Pony is the ELITEST!

Fukui-sanRadioBarb May 11, 2012 at 11:08 pm

I met the Queen once.

C_R_Eature May 12, 2012 at 12:24 am

I heard that"she ain't no human bein' " but I don't quite believe that.

Fukui-sanRadioBarb May 12, 2012 at 12:58 am

Actually she's fucking lovely. Genuinely nice.

I couldn't say anything snarky because of the two Gurkhas behind her.

George Spelvin May 12, 2012 at 2:02 am

Good plan. Gurkhas not being renowned for their sense of humor.

C_R_Eature May 12, 2012 at 6:24 am

You, know, I always thought that she's turn out to be genuinely nice. It takes a special kind of person to meet people as a job for almost 70 years and do it well.

Wise of you not to mess with the Gurkhas. I fear them too but I've always been in envy of those knives.If I could carry a brace of those to work every day I'd have a lot less problems with Certain People.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 12, 2012 at 1:48 pm

I met her too, once! I was only seven at the time, but I still remember it because I met the President's wife too, that day, and she was beYOOtiful, and I had a HUGE crush on her (even at that tender age). So while meeting the Queen was interesting (and she really IS nice, it must be exhausting having to smile and wave at idiots you really couldn't care less about for hours), it was sort of overshadowed by the childish delight of meeting the Queen of my Dreams.

horsedreamer_1 May 11, 2012 at 8:49 pm

YO FUCK THE FREE WORLD!!!

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 12, 2012 at 1:51 pm

I'd like to, but I can only manage so many persons each day.

MilwaukeeKent May 11, 2012 at 10:00 pm

Hell, I went to a prep school, back in the late '70s, but it was a little different.
http://www.infiltraterz.com/jfk1.html

Negropolis May 12, 2012 at 12:00 am

Kirsten, if you don't mind me asking, from where in Metro Detroit are you?

BTWBFDIMHO May 12, 2012 at 1:02 am

Looks like Kirsten wants a ride on the roof.

Chet Kincaid May 12, 2012 at 1:58 am

I do believe we have stumbled on a rat's nest of Preppies! KBJ, shouldn't you be braiding your pony's hair? Newell, shouldn't you be cutting a pony-boy's hair?

Chet Kincaid May 12, 2012 at 2:02 am

Cranbrook is funded by a generous endowment from Ocean Spray.

Chet Kincaid May 12, 2012 at 2:24 am

It is my understanding that Lisa Wines is also the reincarnation of Marie Antoinette.

Designer_Rants May 12, 2012 at 2:09 pm

"Let them cut hair."

ttommyunger May 12, 2012 at 9:53 am

So, my question is: do these institutions restrict enrollment to elitist snobs or do they devote the entire four years to creating elitist snobs? Inquiring poors want to know.

Manhattan123 May 12, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Did she lose her virginity to Brendan Fraser but then scorn him when she found out he was secretly a Jew?

Chichikovovich May 11, 2012 at 3:21 pm

It's the observation target for a surveyer's transit.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 11, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Bang equals.

actor212 May 11, 2012 at 3:36 pm

No, that's the symbol for a female cat, I think. Or maybe that's ¡

el_donaldo May 11, 2012 at 3:45 pm

I miss the warblog.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 11, 2012 at 4:22 pm

We're not allowed to be *vile* or cause the editrix to go out of business. I haven't noticed a drop in the funny so much, although I kinda miss the vileness, to be honest.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 11, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Either way works, hon, it all depends on your point of view.

Designer_Rants May 11, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Would you say you'd prefer to be machingunned with vileness?

HistoriCat May 11, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Here – have a fetus burger. It helps.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 11, 2012 at 7:26 pm

A women after my own heart.

Chet Kincaid May 12, 2012 at 1:56 am

I haven't noticed a dropoff in the vile, but I have noticed that people work harder at being funny with it, instead of lazily throwing out the skullfucks, chainsaws and bags of rat dicks.

HistoriCat May 11, 2012 at 5:38 pm

I'm sure many things were quivering.

Leave K-Lo out of this!

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 11, 2012 at 9:37 pm

Uh, ew. Thanks, CRE_ature. You sure know how to bring it.

(Runs out of room barfing)

C_R_Eature May 11, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Arrrrrgh- my Brain! my Brain! Urrrrrgghhh! *Retch*

starfanglednut May 11, 2012 at 5:54 pm

There there, CRE, there there.

C_R_Eature May 11, 2012 at 5:57 pm

*Ulp* Okay. I'm okay now. Thanks.

Sorry about the shoes.

starfanglednut May 11, 2012 at 6:05 pm

No worries, that's why I wear camo shoes.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 11, 2012 at 9:31 pm

Machinegunned — flogged with a cat o'nine tails — cream-pied — as long as it's unutterably vile, bring it on!

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 11, 2012 at 9:32 pm

Ooh, yum, where's the fish sauce and hot sauce?

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 11, 2012 at 9:33 pm

Editrix? Or Ann_(ObeyME)_Money?

Me, I prefer my ladies feminine and my men masculine. No, wait, maybe that's "my ladies butchy and my men bitchy." Never mind.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 11, 2012 at 9:38 pm

Camo shoes, eh? Skechers? Docs?

C_R_Eature May 11, 2012 at 9:40 pm

That's why they pay me the Big Bucks.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 11, 2012 at 9:44 pm

You sure is, ya horrible little CRE_ature.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 11, 2012 at 9:46 pm

Huh. I did not know that. Thank you.

C_R_Eature May 11, 2012 at 9:59 pm

Thanks. that means a lot to me.

C_R_Eature May 11, 2012 at 10:03 pm

Good. Now, my mission on this planet is complete.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 12, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Well, THEIR sense of humour tends to involve laughing uproariously at the damage those kukris can inflict in short order. Not terribly funny for anyone who might've been carved in the melee, if you get my drift.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 12, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Love it!!! (Hugs CRE_ature most affectionately)

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 12, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Well, if you are both available. . .

C_R_Eature May 12, 2012 at 7:16 pm

Cool, isn't it? I must get one.

*hugs back* Oof! mind the suckers!

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 13, 2012 at 12:58 pm

You and Biely, both. With him, it's always "Mind the sparks! Sorry about the burn marks."

It's OK. I love you, you're a dear sweet CREature.

C_R_Eature May 13, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Yeah, those sulfur burns are the worst!

You're very welcome, but please don't let that get around, I have a reputation to live down to after all.

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