Sad Mitt Romney is so jealous of all the thank-you notes and the hot piles of gay dollar bills that President Popular has gotten ever since he belatedly admitted that he thinks gay people should be able to get married. Sad Mitt Romney is not as tragically lame as he appears to be on this issue, okay? Sad Mitt Romney responds that while he is not a fan of gay marriage, he — wait for it — sometimes talks to his gay friends, many of whom own children: “I know many gay couples that are able to adopt children. That’s fine.” This does not bother him, the gays living together and having kids like they are married as long as it is not called married. That is not trying to have it both ways! The only thing that really bothers him is that Barack Obama seems to be the kind of brazen asshole who just says, you know, whatever to win over certain groups. Mitt Romney does not do this, he then actually says.


But you don’t change your position to try to win states or certain subgroups of Americans. You have the positions you have, and you know, for a long time, I think since the beginning of my career, I have made it very clear that I thought that marriage should be a relationship between a man and a woman.

Mittens has once again managed to try to get the upper hand in this news story in the most hilariously ironic and embarrassing way ever. [National Journal]

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  • Equal rights! Except on alternate Saturdays and most nights that end in Y.

    • Anybody know how many of Mitt's nights end at the Y? Just asking.

      • themcwow


      • OneDollarJuana

        Most gay men's night don't. I wish more of mine did.

    • themcwow

      And during Family Home Evening.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Equal rights indeed. Arguing this point with my wife, I finally got her (a Catholic) to agree that yes, gay couples should have all the rights other couples have, and it is indeed a civil rights issue, nothing less.

      Only don't call it 'marriage.'

      (OMG. My wife is Mitt Romney.)

      • HistoriCat

        (Throws down stuff in hand) OK, that's it!

        You want your fucking marriage sacrament? Fine – but from now on it means nothing ZERO ZILCH! If you want the secular benefits of the status formerly known as marriage, you have to not only get the license from a secular authority, the actual FKA marriage ceremony has to be performed by an authorized government employee. We don't care if your priest or your rabbi or your bishop or whoever performed your church service. IT DOESN'T COUNT ANYMORE ASSHOLES! HAHAHAHA!!!!

        Um, OK … I'm better now. Sorry about that.

        • That's exactly how they do it in Singapore, which has many different racial/ethnic/religious groups. You can get married anywhere and anytime you want. But if you want it to be legal, you have to go down to City Hall, take out a license, and sign it in front of a judge. What you do with your religious beliefs is your own fucking business. But if you want legal and monetary marital status, then you better have that piece of paper.

          I always thought it was an eminently sensible way to settle the issue.

      • BerkeleyBear

        Nah, Mitt won't go that far. He'd like gays to have a few rights that make him seem slightly less like a huge asshole, but nothing that would make fundies super crazy. Even on adoption I get the feeling he's also okay with all and any agencies being able to deny placement on religious grounds regardless of how much public money they suck down.

    • Deep down, I know Mitt believes NO ONE is equal to him. Mitt Romney, the man on the white horse.

      • Butch_Wagstaff

        When I've seen footage of him speaking at a campaign stop, I just get this feeling that he's thinking: "I hate every one of you but I want your vote."

        • Wouldn't surprise me. That Pecksniffian Prick.

        • Negropolis

          When I look at Mitt, I see a guy who has had all the material comforts of life, but is completely dead in side. He has the smiling Stepford Wives and his five, smiling "Children of the Corn" and mansions splattered across the country and every material comfort a body could ever want…and he's fucking miserable 'cause his daddy wasn't emotionally close enough. And, he displays this by running the most half-hearted, half-assed presidential campaign in American history. And all the rest of us have to suffer him for it.

          For once, I'd like a president without daddy issues, and this includes Obama, Dubya and Clinton and candidates like McCain, but with the redeeming quality of two of this mentioned folks being that it was offset because they actually cared about other people and their country on the whole.

          • horsedreamer_1


      • Man-on horse? OMG!!!1!!ONE!! Santorum was right after all!

        • Quick, alert the papers. It's got to be the first time EVAH that worthless PoS was right about ANYthing.

      • George Spelvin

        The Morman on the white horse, pls.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    But you don’t change your position to try to win states or certain subgroups of Americans. You have the positions you have

    And what position would that be Mitt, could it be a … Missionary Position? I know, I know, it's cheap, but I couldn't resist. I blame the post-rational left.

    • nounverb911

      Isn't Mitt's missionary position Paris?

      • Advn2rgirl

        Is that the one on the apartment floor with all the butter?

        • Wile E. Quixote

          and garlic, don't forget the garlic.

    • Callyson

      The post – rational left? Never heard of that position. Pictures, please!

  • littlebigdaddy

    Mittens is one of those people who thinks he's a lot smarter than he is and that everyone else is a lot dumber than they are. That's the only possible explanation for these things (see also the Detroit bailout).

    • And of course, the second an amendment allowing gay marriage passed, he'd be all, "Oh, I did that"…by opposing it, you see.

    • Tundra Grifter

      You meet a lot of people like that in finance.

      Yes, he might be smarter than the average bear. But not all that much smarter.

      And, as you suggest, not every other bear out there is stupid.

      • miss_grundy

        Unfortunately all those finance guys made up financial instruments that they didn't understand but sold to their clients and then watched as the economy went down the toilet but that was okay with them because they had already gotten their bonuses. So, not so smart.

        • Tundra Grifter

          I think the rocket scientists slept on their heads and dreamed up those exotic instruments. Many of them were designed to serve a specific function.

          One of the many problems is that an investment bank doesn't always want to be on one side of the trade. So their team of Gabby Smoothtalkers would peddle them to clients.

          They really didn't care if the product suited the client or not. They wanted their commissions, just as you wrote.

          I would certainly agree with you some of the suspender snappers didn't understand them. Even worse, I think many of them did comprehend them quite well. They just didn't care.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            On Wall St., any financial "product" that earns commissions and fees is successful, by definition.

    • V572 Is this him?

      It's the self-fulfilling prophecy of "elite" education. He went to Harvard so he must be smart.

      • miss_grundy

        You know who else went to Harvard?

        • No, do tell us! (Opens eyes and mouth wide, clasps hands primly) Who EVER could it be, I wonder?!

        • littlebigdaddy

          I thought he went to a crappy art school.

          • V572 Is this him?

            Mittens got concurrent law and MBA degrees at Harvard, although in his time there, as w/Dubya's, it was still possible to get a "gentleman's C" just for showing up. It just wouldn't do for a Harvard man to get a D.

            Then they started admitting women, Asians, blacks, midwesterners and other undesirables, and everything went to shit.

          • Yeah, well, back in the days of the Boston Brahmins, a self-appointed holder of such nomenclature was amazed to hear his (otherwise obnoxiously bratty) grandsprog inform him, "Grampa, you didn't get into Hahvahd because you was smart, you was just lucky cos there wasn't so many people."

            May the deities forgive me, I responded to his comment about Boston Brahmins with a "I had no idea you were part-Indian." Apparently, the Boston Brahmins do not care to be associated with the Browner Brahmins. Who knew?

        • Baconzgood

          Not Baonz. I went to a smart makin school and not a how to properly tie a 2X Windsor knot school.

          • aussiefromafar

            Smart enough to change his positions every time the wind changes, but not so smart to think the public don't notice this.

        • horsedreamer_1

          BF Skinner?

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      He's like Newt. He's a genius in his own mind.

      But, to be fair, he probably is smarter than most of the GOP base.

      • HistoriCat

        My cats are smarter than most of the GOP base! Except maybe for this handsome fellow (<– ). He's cute but dumb.

        • BlueStateLibel

          He sounds like a lot of my ex-boyfriends. What a looker though.

        • Your av? He IS a handsome fellow. Looks like our dear departed Bob-the-almost-bobcat.

          • HistoriCat

            I wish I had a picture from when I first got him … he had a mane around his head that made him look almost exactly like a miniature lion. My wife convinced me to trim his fur "he'll be cooler that way!" Sadly, the mane never grew back.

          • It's funny, but some cats never regrow that hair, and others do. Madu had some enterprising neighbour lady with a taste for French perfume shave his belly some years ago, and it is STILL embarassingly bald, pink, and wrinkly-looking. Coots got HIS hindquarters and paw shaved in February and already he needs another goddamn shaving. The lil guy is just a walking hair factory.

            He's still a very handsome fellow, and I long to pet his furry belly.

      • And that is SUCH a feather in one's cap!

        When you consider that the GOP base includes the 23 -or-so percent of the population that is functionally mentally ill, and given to unswerving belief in conspiracy theories of the riper sort … snort, huff, grump … time to light up the vaporizer again.

    • Baconzgood


  • Tundra Grifter

    (r)Money takes a lot of credit for gay marriage.

    Quelle surprise!

    • This was fun, earlier on NPR, when conservative ex-car exec, who wants Romney to win, said he's totally full of shit.

      • "'I hope he carries Michigan, but to me there's something not quite right about a political system that will rely on modifications of the truth in order to get the political job done, Lutz says."

        Well, la dee dah, I guess you went to Harvard, too, Mr. Lutz. "Not quite right"? You could bring yourself to think "a helluva lot wrong"? I suppose the smidge that's not quite right doesn't include Citizens United.

        Lutz probably only told the truth about the auto industry for fear of getting offed by one of those "union thugs" he's forced to get into bed with.

        • Well thanks Bob Lutz, for correcting that one little tiny fib from Romney. Now we can all sleep soundly knowing that hey, at least he didn't get a blowjob in the oval office.

          • Assault is OK but heaven forbid anyone gets a happy ending.

        • Negropolis

          He'll as soon carry Michigan as he will call down the Angel Moroni from heaven for a conference on the Washington Mall.

          • I trust you to have your finger on the pulse of Michigan.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba
        • You know how I know Mitt Romney's gay? He takes a lot of credit for saving the auto industry.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    But you don’t change your position to try to win states or certain subgroups of Americans. You have the positions you have, and you know, for a long time,

    It is so unfair to mock Romney over this, as surely his opinion will change by tomorrow.

    • V572 Is this him?

      Like when Newt called Ryan's plan to turn Medicare into a gift card plan "right-wing social engineering," and after recanting announced angrily that anyone who quoted what he used to believe, just yesterday, was "on notice." So scary!

    • Callyson

      In Mitten's logical universe, it's the reverse of 300K not being very much money: positions that were devised a few months ago have been held for a long time.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Any position that Mtt's held for months pretty much IS a long-term value.

    • HippieEsq

      It does seem that Mitt's shiftyness is reaching an all-time high, just as his self-awareness is reaching an all-time low. Pass the Scotch, becuase I really like where this is going….

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        Could you imagine the consequences if the Mittbott became self-aware? It could be worse than Skynet. Although, if he turned on his creators…..

        • HippieEsq

          The beauty/tragedy of Mittbott is that we can't possibly imagine how he/it will evolve next. The "taking credit" quote nearly blew up my brain. You're right, if he did ever realize what a giant mormon tool he's become, he might just say "fudge you" to his creators first, before turning his lukewarm wrath on the rest of us.

    • George Spelvin

      Long time == millions of nanoseconds.

  • Reginald_Perrin

    "But you don’t change your position to try to win states or certain subgroups of Americans."

    How dare the President try to use Romney's patented flip flop maneuver.

  • SorosBot

    "But you don’t change your position"

    Well Mitt never changed his position; he changed pretty much all of them, on every social issue there is; the only position he's never changed is that Mitt Romney shouldn't have to pay taxes.

    • Wile E. Quixote

      That's not true. He's never faltered on his position that Mitt Romney should be president either, and he's always been very keen on the position that Mitt Romney deserves a lot of money.

    • Wile E. Quixote

      Oh, and he's also been remarkably consistent vis a vis the height of the trees in Michigan.

  • widestanceromance

    If I had sturdy enough tin snips, I'd put together a posse to cut his damn hair.

    • mormos

      psh, good luck. that hair is made of a carbon/titanium alloy.

      • widestanceromance

        So, it's gonna require a laser? COOL!

        • nounverb911

          Use the laser from "Goldfinger".

          • widestanceromance

            That scene panning up Bond's spread legs got me through a lot growing up!

        • Negropolis

          A (whore)diamond saw.

    • I'd settle for shaving a heart in his ass-hair.

      • ThundercatHo

        I think he would look very nice with some type of emblem carved on his giant forehead. Also, too, a tramp stamp saying, "Kick Me!" would be nice.

        • I used to not be into all this bod-mod stuff, but you're making me reconsider my stance, my dear.

    • horsedreamer_1

      If a President wants to tut-tut his CIC status, like Dubs in the flight suit, then he needs a military sanctioned cut. & Rmoney's is not that.

      High & tight, motherfucker.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Subgroup S Corporations are people too, my friend!

  • Tundra Grifter

    Hard to follow the thread here.

    I keep getting distracted by the author photo from Ann Falter's new book, over there on my right.

    • Is that the pig in a cage ad or the "Four Dangers Destroying Men" ad? That's what I see. You must be on teh Google's 'loves all things Republican, especially the skanky blonde ones' search optimization algorithm.

  • Callyson

    You campaign for office with the positions you have, not the ones you wish you had…

    …um, er, what I meant to say was…

  • MissTaken

    But you don’t change your position to try to win states or certain subgroups of Americans

    Automobile industry bailout?
    Abortion rights?
    Stem cell research?
    Healthcare mandates?
    Gay marriage (that was legalized during YOUR tenure as Mass Gov)?

    Yup, no changing positions here for Mitt. No sirree!

    • SorosBot

      It's a continuation of the "I know you are but what am I?" 2012 GOP campaign strategy.

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      On National Commie Radio, they were interviewing evangelicals in TX about supporting Romney. They'll say they are going to back the nominee despite the fact he's a Mormon.
      Total bullshit, of course. Come election day, I guarantee that most evangelical Christians will not be able to bring themselves to vote for Romney because he's Mormon & they already think he's too liberal.

      • HistoriCat

        So there will be higher than expected support for some third-party candidate in Texas?

  • Boojum

    Yeah, way to give him a haircut, Mitt!

    • mwittier


      Not that he can remember. PRANKS ARE HIJINX ARE SORRY, PROBLY.

  • nounverb911

    What a waste it is to lose your mind, Mitt.

  • Baconzgood

    Kettle on line 2 Mitt.

    • Don't tell me, let me guess: it wants to call Mitt "Blah"?

      • Baconzgood

        Actually the kettle is more of a charcoal.

        • I don't know why Mitt's weenie doesn't fall off in shock at his sheer shamelessness. When G.W. BUSH is a better man than you, you have seriously FAILED at humaning.

  • widestanceromance

    As far as Obama using we gays for political gain goes, recall that only 2 presidential elections ago, some turd WON by demonizing us for political gain, so in light of the Use Us Switch-a-roo, I say, "Use me, Barack, use me."

    Oh, and you, Willard, you suck.

    • "Use me, Barack, use me."

      You make going gay sound like an attractive proposition.

      Is there a newsletter I might peruse? A website, perhaps?

      • widestanceromance

        Depending on who you ask, using a pink ball, on camera, at a bowling alley is enough to complete the transformation.

        My standards are much more. . .rigorous, shall we say, for admission.

        • I always try to keep up with the cool trends, you see

        • HistoriCat

          How about appliances? Do you give out appliances?

    • salt_bagel

      Cause he ain't that average groupie.

    • Yes, but that last line? Not enough.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    But you don’t change your position to try to win states or certain subgroups of Americans. You have the positions you have, and you know, for a long time, I think since the beginning of my career, I have made it very clear that I thought that marriage should be a relationship between a man and a woman.

    I read this again and asked myself why we're so surprised that Mittens flip-flops all the time, it's kind of what Mormons do. I mean they were totally into polygamy, they were behind polygamy 1000 percent. Then the Union Army camped out on their doorstep and church leader Wilford Woodruff had a revelation from Jesus Christ that polygamy was a bad thing.

    Then the Mormon church was really down on the blahs. I mean they were OK with blahs joining the church and giving the church their money, but beyond that it was "back of the bus". Then they wanted to move into Brazil, a confusingly multi-ethnic country, and they were taking some heat in the US of A because being down on the blahs wasn't as cool as it used to be and all of a sudden in 1978, Boom! Another freakin revelation from the Man himself, the one, the only, Jesus H. Christ and all of a sudden blah guys could become priests.

    What Mittens needs to do is come out and say "Yeah, I changed my positions, on [abortion | stem-cell research | gay marriage | gay civil rights | the automobile industry bailout | healthcare mandates | fill in the blank ] but only because Jesus Christ told me to. So there Barack Obama, does Jesus talk to you? I don't think so, because you're blah, and a mooslim." They'll eat that shit up down south.

    • Was Jebus H. the adviser to JP Morgan on their recent credit default swaps?

      • Jebus told Bain Capital to drive KB Toys into bankruptcy to punish the bad children.

        • ThundercatHo

          They were on the Naughty List, he and Santa are in cahoots.

    • doloras

      I love that bit of Mormonism, that there are no "immutable scriptures", that the Church President can go up the mountain and come down saying "JC told me to tell you that [thing we've always called a sin is not A-OK, or vice versa]".

      • unclejeems

        God wants you to be rich. To become rich, give all your money to the church. It's right there in the Bible. What? No, it doesn't say exactly that, but trust me, I talk to the Lord daily–I have his ear–that's what he wants.

        Racketeering 101.

  • HempDogbane

    You go to electoral war with the pander you have, not with the pander you used to have…

    • Abernathy

      That old pander? It's locked away Pander-ora's Box; if it ever were to be released into the world, it would wreck havoc.

    • mwittier

      Panders can't reproduce in captivity without porn. I saw it on the mainstream news. Porn and bamboo.

      • Maybe they can't reproduce because they're wearing invisible magic underwear.

        • I don't think so, sweetie. Mormons wear that shit, and they reproduce like bunnies.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Mitt's opinions are like the speed of light in Einsteinian physics — they never change, but space and time bend around them.

    • anniegetyerfun

      THIS is the truest thing ever said about politics.

    • fuflans


  • MaxNeanderthal

    But, but, Marcus Bachmann is a gay married to a certified loony. Who has fostered children. Does Mitt know him (in the Biblical sense)?

    • Wile E. Quixote

      It would be irresponsible not to speculate. Do you know what would be hot though? A porno flick featuring some hot Mitt on Marcus and Marcus on Mitt action, but with both of them wearing clown makeup. Then at the end Mittens could hold down Marcus and shave his head. Would that be totally hot or what?

      • I'm about to get my hands on a very good camera. I have a friend wo can do the makeup and another who can provide (painful) shaving implements. Anything else we need?

        • HistoriCat

          Anything else we need?

          Those Clockwork Orange eye-holders so you can force people to watch this?

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    "But you don’t change your position to try to win states or certain subgroups of Americans. "

    The flip-flopper has flip-flopped on flip-flopping. God I have a headache.

    • Baconzgood

      its like watching a goldfish trying to get back in the bowl.

      • widestanceromance

        Sometimes, watching it all unfold feels like being that goldfish.

      • Except it turns itself inside-out in the process.

        Nothing like looking at little inside-outed fish eyeballs.

    • SorosBot

      It's a meta-flip-flop!

    • anniegetyerfun

      That's so "meta"!

      • Baconzgood

        META LIBEL!!!!

      • SorosBot


  • salt_bagel

    I find it crass when people use sincerity to gain favor with others.

  • mavenmaven

    "I thought that marriage should be a relationship between a man and several women" corrected.

  • Abernathy

    Mitt just broke irony. Congratulations, Mittens. You're why we can't have nice things.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Well, isn't THAT the pot calling the President black.

    • Wile E. Quixote

      I see what you did there.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    Oh, and let me pimp this fine article again for those of you who find yourself confused about Mitt Romney's positions, or superpositions as the case may be:

    The Quantum Theory of Mitt Romney.

    • Fairtackle


    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      I believe that's metapositions…

    • HobbesEvilTwin

      great article, thanks for the link

    • Thanks! That article is genius. My favorite line, "…any person who tells you he or she truly 'understands' Mitt Romney is either lying or a corporation."

  • bureaucrap

    The guy can't even stick with the same Etch-a-Sketch for more than 5 minutes before he moves to a new one.

    • nounverb911

      The factory in China is working overtime.

  • BarackMyWorld

    How dare Obama publicly announce a change in position?
    Everyone knows the right thing to do is pretend that was your position all along!

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Dear Willard (Wind Sock) Romney,
    Go fly a kite. I'm sure you know which way the wind is blowing.

    • He NEEDS a Weatherman to know which way the wind blows.

      • He doesn't need a weatherman. No candidate in modern history has ever looked more like a weatherman.

  • bureaucrap

    He changes positions more often than he changes other people's hair styles.

  • GOPCrusher

    I love the wingnut meme that Obama only came out in favor of gay marriage because he needs the votes.
    Because standing on a street corner screaming "GOD HATES FAGS" has done wonders for the Fred Phelps For President campaign.

    • GeorgiaBurning

      I can understand why they are upset. Imagine what would happen to the Republican Party if everybody, not just rich guys who don't want to pay taxes, voted in favor of their own interests.

      • Wile E. Quixote


  • Mitt doesn't like it when someone uses his methodology

  • flamingpdog

    So, how exactly does this affect Sarah Palin?

    • nounverb911

      Sarah, who?

    • I think there was something about Obama causing a rip in the space-time continuum which forced Bristle to be raised by a single mama, which explains why she turned out the way she did.

      Or something.

    • C_R_Eature

      She, or one of her Untermench, will unload another incredibly partisan, fact-challenged, malapropistc Tweet on the world which will be picked up and amplified by all the Usual Media Suspects, creating discussion and controversy for two days to a week and will be forgotten immediately afterward when the next Synthetic Outrage hits the Drudge Report pipeline.

      How's that?

    • Negropolis

      She has been surprisingly quiet, lately, hasn't she?

  • SmutBoffin

    How much more pink could that flyer be?

    NONE. None more pink.

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      It is, as Kenneth Burke might say, rotten with perfection.

      • CapnFatback

        Ooh! A Kenneth Burke reference! Time for some parlor games!

        Imagine that you enter a mommyblog. You come late. When you arrive, others have long preceded you, and they are engaged in a heated snark session, a session too ridiculous for them to pause and tell you exactly what it is about. In fact, the discussion had already begun long before any of them got there, so that no one present, save perhaps Barb and nounverb911, is qualified to retrace for you all the steps that had gone before. Fortunately, you have a scroll button. You read for a while, until you decide that you have caught the tone of the snark; then you hit "Submit Comment." Someone answers; you answer him; another upfists you; Spanky–while masturbating to sea otter pron–searches vainly for the downfist button, which will like go completely unnoticed by your replier, depending upon the how quick someone writes a question that invokes Godwin's law. However, the discussion is interminable, as Negropolis stays up late, and user-of-owls and not that Dewey haunt old threads. The hour grows late, you must depart. And you do depart, with all p-points (except your own) perpetually on the rise.

        • Your comment DEMANDS more upfists than I can possibly provide.

          • CapnFatback


            You know, I was going to add you to the "stay up late" comment, but

            1) That seems not to be the case anymore (are you stateside again?)
            2) I ran out of room trying to fit in all your names. So much so that I forgot the -ly in "which will likely go."

          • (Hugs the Capn) I'm back, darlz. But I wouldn't change a word of that masterpiece. It so entranced me that I actually failed to notice the ly-lessness to which you alluded. So I went back and read it a second time. Perfection.

          • Z Crudmonger

            Wonkette, the highest-grade snark money can buy….. I am convinced the writers for Colbert, Stewart, Maddow et al. mine this site for such brilliance as this.

        • C_R_Eature

          This is one Magnificent Post and deserves to be enshrined in the Wonkette Hall of Fame.

          If there is such a thing. If not, there should be.

        • not that Radio

          You are about to begin reading CapnFatback''s new comment, Imagine that You Enter a Mommyblog. Relax. Concentrate. Dispel every other thought. Let the world around you fade. Best to close the door; the TV is always on in the next room. Tell the others right away, "No, I don't want to watch TV!" Raise your voice—they won't hear you otherwise—"I'm reading! I don't want to be disturbed!" Maybe they haven't heard you, with all that racket; speak louder, yell: "I'm beginning to read CapnFatback's new comment!" Or if you prefer, don't say anything; just hope they'll leave you alone.

          • C_R_Eature

            Woah. the Wonkette Hall of Fame is going to need a new Wing.

        • Doktor StrangeZoom

          Wow. The audience for Burke / Wonkette slash fiction has got to be vanishingly small, and yet I think you have just written the definitive example.

          You didn't just put in your oar, you used a supercharged Evinrude to obliterate the freakin' lake.

        • Capn — I had not known this Kenneth Burke you speak of. But I'm here to say thank you for the introduction!

          ETA: thanks to DoktorZ also, and too~

    • C_R_Eature

      That's as Pink as it gets.

      • Doktor StrangeZoom

        It's the pinkest there is.

        • C_R_Eature

          It's the Catch-22 of Pink.

          • Doktor StrangeZoom

            I see everything pink!

          • C_R_Eature

            "I'm Pink. I'm Pink."

          • doloras

            Which one's Pink?

          • C_R_Eature
          • Doktor StrangeZoom

            It's the Water

          • C_R_Eature

            Careful with that Water…you might get:

            Randall: We made trees and shrubs. We helped make all this.
            Kevin: Whew! That's not bad.
            Randall: Yeah. But did we get a thimble full of credit for it? No! All we got was the sack. Just for creating the Pink Bunkadoo.
            Kevin: Pink Bunkadoo?
            Randall: Yeah. Beautiful trees that was. Og designed it. 600 feet high, bright red, and smelled terrible.

          • Doktor StrangeZoom

            Mitt Romney just loves to see little things hitting each other.

          • C_R_Eature

            Have we ever seen both his hands at the same time?

  • MissTaken

    I wonder if he changes his magical underroos as often as he changes his positions?

  • SmutBoffin

    "I believe what I was programmed to believe, news-collecting human! My biological opponents would have you think that my logic is fuzzy and my memory leaks and sectors of my hard drive are corrupted, but I can produce log files that demonstrate that I have not been updated since 1984.

    End communication."

  • C_R_Eature

    Allright, I have finally had it with these people. I'm unleashing the Squid Squadron.

    Squidron, Assemble!

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      Ben Squidran is like my favorite cephalopod jazz singer.

      • C_R_Eature

        Squid Barrett was brilliant, before he went 'round the bend. The Mollusc laughs is one of my all time favorites. But by the release of A Mantleful of Secrets it was evident he was in trouble. Wish he were here.

        • not that Radio
          • C_R_Eature


            I forgot all about that one (remarkably enough!) Thanks!

    • finallyhappy

      I spent some serious one on one time with a cuttlefish recently- but she was in a tank and I was not

      • C_R_Eature

        Good thing there was glass between you two. They've been known to take advantage of people. Word to the wise – watch your drink around them. You'll wake up in a kelp bed with sucker marks all over your Nethers. Take it from me.

    • OMG, that is SO beautiful! I must go hug a cephalopod immeeeejyutly!

      • C_R_Eature

        Remarkable animals and they have plenty of arms to hug you back.

        Bring them shrimp. They love that.

      • not that Radio
        • C_R_Eature

          If you did, I wouldn't even get Victorian, Squid.

  • "I believe that marriage has been defined the same way for literally thousands of years by virtually every civilization in history, and that marriage is literally, by its definition, a relationship between a man and a woman. "

    Ummm, Mittens? A cursory glance at an elementary anthropology textbook, such as the one I used in my 100 level course this semester, will show that what you said is COMPLETELY FUCKING UNTRUE, you douchebag.

    • littlebigdaddy

      Oh noes…another anthro on this site!

      • rickmaci

        Or, given his religious point of view on this, just read any of the first books of the Bible. Take your pick; Abraham, Jacob, Moses, Solomon, David.

      • C_R_Eature
        • Extra upfisties for that!

          • C_R_Eature

            Thanks! I really miss Gary Larsons' special blend of Science and Weirdness.

          • Me too. I would never have made it this far without Gary Larson. He made it possible for me to go on living.

          • Doktor StrangeZoom

            One of my grad school friends was asked in a job interview to name his three favorite Far Side cartoons. He knew by that point in the interview that the position was his anyway, but the question made it absolutely clear that he wanted to work with those people.

      • CapnFatback

        Q: Why did the young woman take up studying anthropology?
        A: She thought that it would be a good way to meet Boas!

    • mwittier

      Them better be Texas textbooks, son. The ones with dinosaurs chasin' Messicans on the cover.

    • Dr. Nick Riviera

      He meant a man, a woman, her sister, their slave women….

    • A cursory glance at HIS OWN FUCKING FAMILY HISTORY would tell him the exact same thing. I mean, his grandfather LEFT THE US FOR MEXICO because he disagreed with the Federal Government (and HIS OWN FUCKING CULT) in their attempt to suppress the practice of polygamy.

      Geezus, his lies really grate on my last nerve.

    • not that Radio

      "I believe that marriage has been defined defiled the same way for literally thousands of years by virtually every civilization in history,"


    • littlebigdaddy

      My preferred solution to the whole marriage thing is to have mens' houses like in Papua New Guinea. You can have a wife, but you don't have to be with her 24/7 (however wonderful and lovely she may be).

      • Of COURSE you would turn out to be an expert on PNG! Of COURSE!

        Gilbert? Is that you?

      • C_R_Eature

        I believe we call those structures "Garages" here. Not the same but serving the same purpose.

        I like the guys who run around naked with giant protuberant gourds strapped to their Penii. They're from Borneo, aren't they?

  • rickmaci

    Santhorrible had that one nailed. Romoney truly is the well oiled weather-vane of American campaigning.

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    If you look up "steadfast" in the dictionary, you find a picture of Mitt.

    [This occurs only in dictionaries that have fallen through a wormhole from an alternate universe, I should add]

    • C_R_Eature

      I found him under "Steadfast: Antonym."

  • sbj1964

    WTF,a man with a name like Mittens is against gay marriage. Surely you can't be serious?

    • Jadetiger79

      I am. And don't call me Shirley.

  • BZ1

    Mitt claims someone else is flip-flopping??? BWAHHAHAHHAHAHAHA

  • OneYieldRegular

    I think we all learned this week that Mitt has been pretty much opposed to gay marriage since the beginning of his career of bullying gay people.

  • owhatever

    God sez, Mitt, he sez, thou shalt go forth and establish a New World Order.
    Then Mitt sez, whyest doth thou talkest funny? And whyest doth I have to goeth forth, when I wanteth to be first?
    God sez, you're giving me a headache.
    Mitt sez, a loteth of people have been sayething that. By the way, why didn't Jesus get a better haircut. We would nevereth have hired him at Bain Capital with that greasy mop on his head.
    God sez, I give up. Obama by a landslide.

    • Baconzgood

      His will be done *fingers crossed*. But as the great P.T. said "no one ever lost money over estimating the stupidity of the American public".

      • HistoriCat

        Mencken libel!

    • God sed Abraham, gimme a son
      Abe sed God you must be puttin' me on
      God said No
      Abe said Wut?
      God said you can do wut you want Abe, but …

      Ya know, I liked the guy better the first time round. He didn't mess around with the likes of Ol' Pussyfoot up yonder.

  • How ironic– Mitt's Mom Jeans always seem to be flaming !! (Liar, liar, etc.)

  • OT: My WonkePage features an ad for 1-800-Flowerz offering me their Happy Hour Collection, flowers in martini glasses! And the tagline says Cheers to Mom.

    Why do the Interwebz think my mother's an alkie???!?? Just because I am?

    • Baconzgood

      Don't worry. It sais that to all us Wonkers. We're all alkies, chronic masterbaters, and Monty Python fans. You get ads like that just for googeling Wonkette.

      • Yuck. I'd hate to see the 1-800-Flowers 'Golden Dildo Collection' for the chronically masturbating Mom…
        "Help Mom Rub One Out This Mother's Day!"

  • Dr. Nick Riviera

    So he pisses of liberals and gays of all political stripes by saying they can't get married and he disgusts conservatives by saying these unwed same sex couples can raise children. Fantastic. He has surely secured the log cabin republican votes. All 7 of them.

    • And don't forget, Mitt knows people who own gay children.

  • not that Radio

    Etch-a-sketch is an inapt analogy. Mitt is more like

    See-n-Say: The Candidate Says Politician Sounds

    • Doktor StrangeZoom


  • Dr. Nick Riviera

    OT: I've seen people all over the internet say Mitt wasn't responsible for cutting that poor lad's hair because he was only 18 and everybody did bad stuff when they were kids. Uh…I never assaulted anyone. The worst I did was sneak out, stay out late and drive my mom's car while she was on vacation. As one of the bullied, I HOPE my bully (one rich, self-entitled little asshole named Mike) runs for office in 30 years so I can inform everybody what a nasty little turd he is. He made my life miserable, made me hate going to school and people like that don't change.

    • I have had multiple Republicans try to tell me the sorry is fake, then "forget" to answer my question of why Romney apologized for a fake story.

      • Chichikovovich

        Romney apologized for a fake story about something that didn't happen?

        That tells me that if he becomes President, he'll apologize to the world for America!!!!!

    • Hear, hear, Dr. Nick.

      As a vertically-disadvantaged person, I got picked on a lot in school, and learned early on that the best defense was the "scream-and-leap-I'm'a-beattheshitouttayou-crazy-mofo" offense. It worked. People tend not to pick fights with you if they think you're insane and will keep chewing at their arteries long after they've decided to quit the fight and run away.

      But I don't recall EVER joining with my fellows to BULLY someone else. EVER.

      And I know that the *ringleaders* of these bullies rarely change. And Mitt was the ringleader.

      • Dr. Nick Riviera

        There were 300 kids in my graduating high school class. Only about 12 were bullies. And you're right, it's the ringleaders. Other kids might join in, but the ringleaders are the bad ones.

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      Sooo…. we can't hold 18 year old Mitt responsible for his assaulting someone with scissors, but it makes sense to try 14 and 15 year olds as adults, and in some cases, execute them.

      Got it.

    • lizunyan

      " I've seen people all over the internet say Mitt wasn't responsible for cutting that poor lad's hair because he was only 18 and everybody did bad stuff when they were kids."
      You'll notice they weren't making that argument when the Daily Caller was pointing out that Trayvon Martin may or may not have had weed in an empty baggy once at school. it's different for the blahs, of course, because they are mean and scary thugs always.

  • Mort_Sinclair

    Love that flyer! I wonder who had the foresight to hold onto that thing? And to add to the beauty of that artefact is this: When Healey was running (unsuccessfully) for governor after her lt gov stint under His Expediency, her campaign treated Mittens like he was radioactive. One day, however, he did make a joint appearance with that dumbass Healey and, like manna from heaven, couldn't remember her name at a campaign event and called her "Kelly." On film. You can't make this shit up.

  • Walkinwiddaking

    “I know many gay couples that are able to adopt children. That’s fine.

    My bet? His kitchen help.

    • Certainly not the person who picked out that koi shirt for Ann.

    • littlebigdaddy

      No these are gay corporations, which are, of course, people. I am thinking Dolce and Gabbana, in particular.

  • chascates

    "You don't go to campaign with the positions you wish you had, you go to campaign with the positions you have."

  • Dr. Nick Riviera

    Breaking: Japanese scientists working round the clock to bring emotion to robots. Have cracked "twitch" and "tension"

    • Doktor StrangeZoom


    • C_R_Eature

      We already have a Robotic Ass running for President, thank you very much.

  • Negropolis

    Well, Mitt Romney can kiss my and the president's black ass.

    You know, I'm really to the point where I think the president should just unleash on Romney and bury him early. I can't take much more of this. It'd be different if Romney happened to be an honorable politician, if even one we strongly disagreed with, but this man is a sociopath, a man who lies with disturbing ease.

    I also love the changing conservative talking point. First, it was that Dems were afraid to touch this issue for afraid of losing. Now, the talking point is that this is advantageous and people are siding with gay marriage because it's so popular, and then simultaneously saying (wrongly) that "most of the country is against it." Which is it?

    Seeing them respond to this shows me how great it was for the president to take the position he did. We're united; he know has them trying to figure out exactly what they support and don't support. You lose on an issue when you don't know where you stand. For instance, you can't be for gay adoption and not be for the legal definition that provides for the strongest legal protection of families: marriage.

    Spin, you idiots. Spin 'til you fall off the stool.

    • Where does the line to have one's black ass kissed by this dumbshit motherfucker begin?

      'Cause there sure is a whole lot of us wanting to get in that line.

    • fuflans

      i still don't think was a 'biden gaffe'. everyone (fucking mara liassom) is telling me it is, but methinks the more the lady protests the more i think this was a VERY deliberate campaign.

      that long deliberate thing that leaves mittens gasping like a reeled in fish in the midday sun in deadwood.

    • George Spelvin

      You know, I'm kind of hesitant to call Rmoney a sociopath, because that's a pretty serious label, and probably not one that should be applied by non-psychiatrist blog commenters. I grant that — to my untrained eye — his lying, and history-revising, and not-remembering, and obvious lack of any empathy do resemble common traits of sociopaths; but I think we should simply refer to him as a lying, flip-flopping, disingenuous, pandering cultist.

      You know, so as not to offend sociopaths by the comparison.

      • Negropolis

        I don't know. He just strikes me as the kind of guy that has bodies in each of his many backyards.

        This man, again and again, has displayed an astounding lack of empathy. This childhood story makes me think this is a pattern that has only changed in tactics, not motivations. He doesn't have to tackle gay kids and cut off their hair, anymore. He has people for that, now, and for things even more practically horrible like putting entire towns out of business.

        I thought I was being generous for dialing down from "psychopath".

  • HobbesEvilTwin

    This is good news for Walnuts.

  • Mitt Romney believes that after his death he will become God. I don't want someone with THAT humongous an ego running MY life, TYVM.

  • fitley

    Romney's brand new strategy will keep him from ever flip flopping again. That strategy is to refuse to answer questions. It will be interesting to see how that works in a debate. Hey, what do I know?

  • Negropolis

    You know, I have this disturbing image in my head of Romney sitting in the Oval Office on the first day of his presidency. It's around 11:00 PM, the family's upstairs, and he's sitting their alone in the office looking out the window. And, he's just bawling, enough tears to raise the channelized Tiber Creek beneath the Mall to flow open-aired back to the muddy Potomac. Yet, he's not weeping for joy because he's just bought the most powerful office in the world; he's weeping bitterly because he realizes that this isn't enough to make him happy, because nothing will ever be enough to replace a sold-off soul.

    • Z Crudmonger

      As the tears streak his face, a bright beam of light appears in the OO, the angel Moroni has arrived, with a golden hanky which is inscribed with reformed Egyptian characters and the most holy spectacles, the Urim and Thummim. Mittens takes the holy artifacts and translates the golden hanky, after blowing his righteous shnoz, of course (sic). The word of Elohim/Yahweh/Jeebus/J.Smith is translated by Mitt, wherein Mitt is to have a new wife, and a pizza. Mitt dries his eyes, smiles and dreams of pepperoni.

  • ttommyunger

    "….and I'm also for forced haircuts all around, so long as you don't call it bullying or assault."

  • Puffperney

    Old "scissorhands"! A laugh a minute!

  • notanncoulter

    "You have the positions you have, and you know, for a long time…"

    One man's "long time" is another man's… oh never mind.
    He's a clown.
    The scary kind.

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