BURN THE WITCH!  1:50 pm May 11, 2012

Catholic Church Investigating New Threat To Humanity: The Girl Scouts

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

scumWe wonder if there is anything the Catholic Church could be investigating besides the Girl Scouts of America? NO. There is NOT. Nothing at all, move along, move along! Yes, Mother Church is busy investigating whether it should … well, not sure. Thunder from the pulpit about their evil ways? Discourage parish-based troops? Tell the quarter of scouts who are Catholic to jump in a lake … of fire? All of those things, probably, and then some. But the US Conference of Catholic Bishops is very serious about this, like Joe McCarthy-heart-attack serious! Not just because they had that Planned Parenthood brochure that everybody fainted about, nope! Or because they let a little transgender girl join a troop because they are disgusting perverts! Sorry, but it is something WAY WORSE.

Critics contend that Girl Scouts materials shouldn’t contain links to groups such as Doctors without Borders, the Sierra Club and Oxfam because they support family planning or emergency contraception.

Anything else, Church? SO MUCH ELSE!

Another complaint involved a Girl Scout blog suggesting that girls read an article about [Girl Scouts' CEO Anna Maria] Chavez — who is Catholic — in Marie Claire magazine. Critics said the blog’s link led to a Marie Claire home page promoting, among other items, a sex advice article.

Heavens to Betsy! Glory Be! The fuck you say! In addition to associating with disgusting communists like Doctors Without Borders and godless hedonists like Marie Claire magazine, the Girl Scouts have been raising conservative hackles since the ’70s, because Betty Friedan liked them. Also?

In 1993, Christian conservatives were outraged when the Girl Scouts formalized a policy allowing girls to substitute another word for “God” — such as Allah or Buddha — in the Girl Scout promise that reads: “On my honor, I will try to serve God and my country.”

Also, some chick yanked her daughter out of the Scouts because it offered a patch honoring Dolores Huerta, a known Mexican.

She complains about some program materials adopted by the Girl Scouts in recent years. One example she gave: a patch honoring Hispanic labor organizer Dolores Huerta, whose shortcomings — in the eyes of some Catholics — include a 2007 award from Planned Parenthood.

And there you have it! The Girl Scouts of America are an abortion factory that loves Mexico and all those godless starving people in other countries, and the Catholic Church should divest itself of any aid or comfort posthaste and yesterday! It is called “priorities,” and the Church has them, look it up! [Yahoo]

 
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{ 206 comments }

Barb May 11, 2012 at 1:52 pm

The Girl Scouts will now be selling candy bars too. This is good news for the abortionplex.
https://encrypted-tbn1.google.com/images?q=tbn:AN

Soon, they will have all kinds of products, like Paul Newman and we can all have abortions twice a month.

Fare la Volpe May 11, 2012 at 2:16 pm

I can see the commercials now. Opening shot on MOM letting kids into her mini-van

MOM: I'm a working mom, and I just don't have time to drive me and all of my kids to different abortion providers! The hassle and stress is just too much. That's why I'm so glad we have AbortionPlex!

Panning shot around sparkling clean facilities. ABORTIONISTS smile at camera.

MOM: They're conveniently located, the service is always great —

ABORTIONIST: Thank you, and have a great abortion!

MOM: And my kids…(laughs) they love the food and fun!

CHILD: Mommy, Mommy! The doctor said my uterus is scrape-ably clean!! Let's get a pizza!!

ALL: Yay!

MOM: So come on down, and join us at the AbortionPlex! You'll be glad you did!

Jingle:
AbortionPlex, Where Your Family is Ours~

Barb May 11, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Mother's Day is Sunday, like anyone is going to let us forget that shit! I'll be at the Abortionplex all day, just people watching.

flamingpdog May 11, 2012 at 2:40 pm

I hope they all made their appointments ahead of time. According to all the ads on the radio, the cost of Mothers' Day flowers abortions could double or triple this weekend!

actor212 May 11, 2012 at 2:42 pm

That's because Clear Blue Easy had coupons in the Pennysaver

Designer_Rants May 11, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Mommy, Mommy! The doctor said my uterus is scrape-ably clean!! Let's get a pizza!!

Hahaha! You Wonketeers are making me laugh today.

GOPCrusher May 11, 2012 at 4:18 pm

AbortionPlex: No fetus can beat us!

ttommyunger May 11, 2012 at 1:53 pm

I'm sure they will probe relentlessly, as usual.

IncenseDebate May 11, 2012 at 1:57 pm

No, these are the Girl Scouts, not the Boy Scouts. They won't touch them since they have no p-e-n-i-s-e-s.

jqheywood May 11, 2012 at 2:17 pm

You have hit the nail on the head right there…

widestanceromance May 11, 2012 at 2:19 pm

watcho mouf

ttommyunger May 12, 2012 at 7:58 am

Oh, right. They're perves AND exclusionary, winning combo.

Reginald_Perrin May 11, 2012 at 1:53 pm

"Critics contend that Girl Scouts materials shouldn’t contain links to groups such as Doctors without Borders, the Sierra Club and Oxfam because they support family planning"

And family planning leads to less little boys who can be molested by priests.

V572 Is this him? May 11, 2012 at 1:54 pm

The Boy Scouts don't let atheists join, although how they would know is a bit of a mystery. Historically speaking, they're pretty okay with pederast scoutmasters (heh heh), though.

actor212 May 11, 2012 at 2:17 pm

When they get to the "Do my duty to God and my country" bit, the scoutmaster listens really carefully for the kids who say "dog and my country"

BerkeleyBear May 11, 2012 at 2:38 pm

If you get above a certain relatively low rank you have to show how you are living the Scout law, which includes a point on being reverent. It is all backdoor bs to weed out nonbelievers – sorta like DADT for twelve year olds.

V572 Is this him? May 11, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Only made 2nd Class and there were no loyalty oaths at that level. Then again we didn’t wear flags on our shoulders in those dark days—you US citizenship was assumed, or unquestioned, or maybe even not an issue. Got daunted by the master’s-thesis level of effort then required for even one merit badge.

littlebigdaddy May 11, 2012 at 1:55 pm

The Catholic church prefers scouts of the P-E-N-I-S-y sort.

MrFizzy May 11, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Peniscouts would be a good name. Of course they already have the we-blows.

chicken_thief May 11, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Those working on their "Bear" level love them some weeblows.

boobookitteh May 11, 2012 at 1:55 pm

The Girl Scouts are way more interesting now than when we were making popsicle stick crafts in the 80's.

anniegetyerfun May 11, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Yeah, I'm not sure what turned the tide, but I remember looking into it as a kid, and thinking, "No, thanks, I already know how to use a glue gun."

James Michael Curley May 11, 2012 at 2:54 pm

In the 80's I thought we used up all the popsicle sticks in the 60's. Must have been a lot of little suckers in the 70's.

mwittier May 11, 2012 at 3:26 pm

The Church would call those Speculum Sticks.
STRIKE FIVE!

PuckStopsHere May 11, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Isn't the Catholic Church under a restraining order mandating that it stay at least 500 feet away from children to begin with? If not, why not?

Serolf_Divad May 11, 2012 at 2:09 pm

The Catholic Church: it's like NAMBLA for… for… actually, it's just like NAMBLA.

anniegetyerfun May 11, 2012 at 2:21 pm

But wealthier.

Chichikovovich May 11, 2012 at 2:33 pm

It's like what NAMBLA would be like if NAMBLA had been allowed to self-police without outside interference for 2000 years.

comrad_darkness May 12, 2012 at 1:37 pm

It's like NAMBLA if NAMBLA had a thousand years of burning at the stake anyone who pissed them off.

FlownOver May 11, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Holy Mother Church just won't tolerate possible competition for the attention of young boys.

BarackMyWorld May 11, 2012 at 1:57 pm

I read in a very important forwarded email the Girl Scouts will replace thin mints with RU-486 during next year's cookie drive.

anniegetyerfun May 11, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Finally, I can happily buy a box!

finallyhappy May 11, 2012 at 2:28 pm

damn- I love my thin mints- have 5 boxes hiding in the freezer downstairs behind frozen brussel sprouts and veggie burgers so my family won't look. I am way past the need for RU-486- Why won't someone think about the menopausal!!!!!!

DemmeFatale May 11, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Aren't they the best when frozen? Mmmm…

James Michael Curley May 11, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Great. Thin mints make messy diaphragms.

Designer_Rants May 11, 2012 at 3:00 pm

But yummy diaphragms! Will also accept Samoas, even if they have that hole which won't do much for blocking swimmers.

James Michael Curley May 11, 2012 at 3:15 pm

They are out to bring whole new meanings to cookies like sandwich creams and cherry tarts.

Dashboard Buddha May 11, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Was that S'mores or Samoans?

GOPCrusher May 11, 2012 at 4:25 pm

But if you keep a Thin Mint between your knees, you'll have to give blow jobs.

Dashboard Buddha May 11, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Given who's doing the irresponsible breeding these days, they should include RU486 as an ingredient of any snack food sold at Wal-Mart.

Goonemeritus May 11, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Go ahead keep this up and you know what going to happen, the DC Archdiocese is going to pull its ads from Wonkette.

MaxNeanderthal May 11, 2012 at 4:35 pm

We live in hope….

lisawines May 11, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Oh good. Now I can see more of the "Meet Your Meat" ads.

FakaktaSouth May 11, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Well of course they have a problem with it – it's right there in the name: GIRL – don't care for that shit at all over there, do they?

Girl Scouts rule, I crossed the bridge as a Brownie and then quit, but they were all kinds of supportive and good at making you proud of being a girl. (I know, terrible.)

prommie May 11, 2012 at 2:07 pm

I like girls!

PuckStopsHere May 11, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Ewwwww, prommie! Cooties, duh. (But other than that I like them, too.)

FakaktaSouth May 11, 2012 at 2:16 pm

I like guys who like girls. Holy hell I just heard something terrible – National Organization for Rush Babes? (I think NORB sounds like the company that would make vaginal probes, but okay.) This is Rush Limbaugh's response to NOW? Oh my god, that will be a viper pit of fun for fucking, well, babes, you heard him. I cannot wait to see who will join. I wonder if he's got a young babes response for the GSA. Good God, what war on women?

Fare la Volpe May 11, 2012 at 2:24 pm

There's nothing full grown women love more than being called somebody's "babes."

FakaktaSouth May 11, 2012 at 2:27 pm

AND Hell I don't even mind being called a babe if it's meant nicely – this shit ain't nice. (I am such a babe. Rush Limbaugh would LOVE for people to think I support him – but, too bad and fuck Rush Limbaugh, I got a big old brain too.)

prommie May 11, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Girls who like boys who like boys who like girls. . . ..

Designer_Rants May 11, 2012 at 3:26 pm

What's worse is that their Facebook page has like 50,000+ "likes". That would make them at least 5 times more popular than Wonkette. Too many stupids.

FakaktaSouth May 11, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Do not make me go look at that shit. It has GOT to be dudes mostly. GOT to be.

HistoriCat May 11, 2012 at 4:56 pm

But how many of those "likes" are from women and how many are from the same idiotic group of mouth-breathers who listen to Rushbo all the time?

didgen May 11, 2012 at 7:30 pm

There are 50,000 fat sweaty old balding white guys that have facebook accts? Ewwwwwwwwwwww!

jqheywood May 11, 2012 at 2:20 pm

And girls with cookies…it's a double win!

actor212 May 11, 2012 at 2:44 pm

I like pie, tho!

finallyhappy May 11, 2012 at 2:30 pm

I remember the bridge now that you mention it(I was never a brownie) when My daughter crossed over and she was a Girl Scout as well. Now she is an abortionist and tree hugger and also gives to the poor worldwide

FakaktaSouth May 11, 2012 at 2:35 pm

See? And now I love your daughter, we are sisters for life and such. It was a cool little ritual – I mean hell, I remember it and I remember things poorly.

Dontcha wish we could drag people over the bridge forcefully, thereby magically transforming the horrid masses into decent human beings?

LizzyBorden1 May 14, 2012 at 10:54 am

My 18 yo daughter was a girl scout for many years till their troop got kicked out because the treasurer embezzled the cookie fund (over $1000). She is currently at penn state participating in the Pa Academy of Science (6th year in a row she's made states), is 14th in a class of 400, participated 4 years in both cross country and swim just because she enjoyed it, and is going to Penn State main to the Schreyers program. Oh did I mention she's on the pill? Fucking girl scouts!

flamingpdog May 11, 2012 at 1:58 pm

The Church isn't too happy about the Brownie in the White House, either.

BarackMyWorld May 11, 2012 at 2:00 pm

To which I say: "Heckuva job, Brownie!"

MaxNeanderthal May 11, 2012 at 4:36 pm

Offering Brownies= grooming. 'nuff said…

rickmaci May 11, 2012 at 1:58 pm

And in other Catholic Church news today…
http://www.suntimes.com/news/world/12464200-418/v

Fukui-sanRadioBarb May 11, 2012 at 2:18 pm

In a statement Friday to the AP, the Legion confirmed it had referred seven cases of alleged abuse to the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, the Vatican office that investigates sex crimes.

That's some top-notch office naming obfuscation. I imagine Chris Hansen in a mitre asking priests whether they want a cookie.

rickmaci May 11, 2012 at 2:21 pm

No, it's even stranger than that.

"The Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith (CDF) (Congregatio pro Doctrina Fidei), previously known as the Supreme Sacred Congregation of the Roman and Universal Inquisition (wherefrom arose the names Roman Inquisition or Holy Inquisition popularly used in reference to the 16th century tribunals against witchcraft and heresy), and after 1904 called the Supreme Sacred Congregation of the Holy Office, is the oldest of the nine congregations of the Roman Curia. Among the most active of the congregations, it oversees Catholic Church doctrine. Its offices are housed at the Palace of the Holy Office at the Vatican."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Congregation_for_the

Chichikovovich May 11, 2012 at 2:36 pm

When I wondered what the history of that office was, I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.

C_R_Eature May 11, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Noone expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise, fear and surprise; two chief weapons, fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency! Er, among our chief weapons are: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, and near fanatical devotion to Young Boys…oops…the Pope!…oh wait… Er….

SorosBot May 11, 2012 at 2:25 pm

"the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, the Vatican office that investigates sex crimes. "

No, it's the Vatican office that covers up sex crimes; in fact the current Pope ran the cover-ups when he was in charge of the office.

didgen May 11, 2012 at 7:45 pm

What a quiet group they are over there. Not even 1 comment to the story. Must be waiting for the other guy to speak first, so polite. Or maybe they were just taught not to talk with their mouth full.
.

doloras May 11, 2012 at 8:13 pm

Damned Papists can't win. Damned if they investigate rapey priests, damned if they don't.

IncenseDebate May 11, 2012 at 1:59 pm

They also wear those socialist/French berets. Likely all Godless commies.

Serolf_Divad May 11, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Mohamar Khaddafi had an all female bodyguard detail (and a buxom nurse). I rest my case.

Oblios_Cap May 11, 2012 at 2:00 pm

The only possible explanation for the altarboys running away from the priests and their divine scepters is that hussies were bewitching them.

Icky Girls! The Mother Church misses the old days when it could burn the wanton trollops at the stake.

GhostBuggy May 11, 2012 at 2:13 pm

The Mother Church says she's the only lady you need. Mother Church will take care you, baby.

MosesInvests May 11, 2012 at 3:00 pm

…Mother will make all your nightmares come true.

Callyson May 11, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Shit, if I had known that the Girl Scouts were so much fun, I would have been one when I was a kid.

anniegetyerfun May 11, 2012 at 2:20 pm

I have a feeling that it wasn't nearly as bad-ass and organization back when I was a kid. I could be wrong, but the girls that I knew who were a part of it didn't strike me as anything remarkable.

BigSkullF*ckingDog May 11, 2012 at 2:40 pm

Yes, but we could tie knots.

Geminisunmars May 11, 2012 at 2:56 pm

With our tongues.

edgydrifter May 11, 2012 at 2:01 pm

In the eyes of the church, the greatest failing of the Girl Scouts is in not doing enough to make girls ashamed to be girls.

LizzyBorden1 May 14, 2012 at 11:01 am

I know, right? My daughters were in girl scouts and they're uppity little bitches. They actually believe they are equal to men and deserve the same pay. My eldest is going to college to study history, then onto law, not home ec, so she can learn useful skills. Plus she is 14th in a class of 400, which means she did better than most boys (thank god she has big boobs, or she'll never land a man). I curse girl scouts! I failed as a mother.

actor212 May 11, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Ladies, I have to provide this in Donohue's defense: women are far more mature and far more sophisticated at an earlier age than most men of an equivalent age. Girl Scouts would be better able to handle ads that many would consider inappropriate for boys, because boys would, well, either piss their pants giggling or go to their bunks.

Clearly, Donohue froze somewhere south of adulthood.

Maman May 11, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Ironically, this bullshit is Donohue's doing. This is the US Conference of Catholic Bishops.

actor212 May 11, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Oh yes. It's even more direct than that

GhostBuggy May 11, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Well, we know that he still has an imaginary friend.

ManchuCandidate May 11, 2012 at 2:01 pm

First the RC church came for the abortionists,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't an abortionist

Then the RC church came for the Sierra Club,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a Sierra Club member

Then the pederasts came for the girl scouts
and there was no one left to sell me thin mints…

OkieDokieDog May 11, 2012 at 2:03 pm

I can't even think of anything snarky to say. I think this giving me a brain aneurysm.

valthemus May 11, 2012 at 2:10 pm

The whole right wing is becoming self-satirizing. It's very convenient… like a self-basting turkey.

Preferred Customer May 11, 2012 at 2:15 pm

This is the best thing I've read all day.

Designer_Rants May 11, 2012 at 10:00 pm

When does the little red thing pop out?

actor212 May 11, 2012 at 2:03 pm

I wasn't aware the Sierra Club was running the Abortionplex

tihond May 11, 2012 at 2:12 pm

They took over when Orange Julius cut funding.

GOPCrusher May 11, 2012 at 4:44 pm

They use recycled materials for the napkins at the food court.

Designer_Rants May 11, 2012 at 10:01 pm

In communist America, the Abortionplex runs the Sierra Club.

MissTaken May 11, 2012 at 2:04 pm

In Girl Scouts I learned how to use a glue gun for crafts and that Thin Mints are waaaayyyy better frozen. This is why I'm a birth control using heathen today.

HobbesEvilTwin May 11, 2012 at 2:12 pm

You just hold a frozen thin mint between your knees, right?

actor212 May 11, 2012 at 2:15 pm

You have to be careful. If they slip and fall on a nipple, they become an aphrodisiac.

MissTaken May 11, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Yes, I find using the glue gun really helps hold the frozen thin mint in place.

actor212 May 11, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Oh, whew! That's quick thinking, missy.

GhostBuggy May 11, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Not only Thin Mints, but the peanut butter ones. Also.

actor212 May 11, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Do-si-dos?

EDIT: Tag-a-longs?

(note to self: stop checking out the hot Girl Scout leader when you're buying a case of cookies trying to get a date)

finallyhappy May 11, 2012 at 2:32 pm

As I have 5 frozen boxes in my basement freezer- if we have a Wonkette Dc party- i will bring a box(keeping it frozen hopefully until then)

fuflans May 11, 2012 at 2:04 pm

jesus christ.

weejee May 11, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Sister Caligula weeps.

Allmighty_Manos May 11, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Let me get this straight. An organization that covered up the molestation of thousands of young boys over a period of decades still has the balls to to weigh in on whether or not the Girl Scouts and Doctors Without Borders are "moral" organizations.

chicken_thief May 11, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Copied from Romney's Book of Chootz-pah.

MaxNeanderthal May 11, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Meanwhile, in other news, Dr Goebbels denounces The Michelin Man as "size-ist"….

prommie May 11, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Doctors without Borders is worse than Hitler! And this Pope knows, because he knew Hitler!

HobbesEvilTwin May 11, 2012 at 2:15 pm

He also knows that khaki was so last year and he wouldn't be caught dead in those saddle shoes.

Nostrildamus May 11, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Critics contend that Girl Scouts materials shouldn’t contain links to groups such as Doctors without Borders, the Sierra Club and Oxfam…

I contend the US Conference of Catholic Bishops' materials shouldn't contain links to groups such a Priests without Pants, the Cilice Club, AltarBoyStuds.com…

Guppy May 11, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Meanwhile, there's still nothing more freedom-loving and American than Queen's Eagle Scouts.

Wile E. Quixote May 11, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Critics contend that Girl Scouts materials shouldn’t contain links to groups such as Doctors without Borders, the Sierra Club and Oxfam because they support family planning or emergency contraception.

I think that they should also avoid links to groups such as the Catholic Church since they suport child molestation and are run by a former member of the Hitler Youth.

MaxNeanderthal May 11, 2012 at 4:45 pm

Weren't the Scouts banned in the third reich, and replaced by the Hustler yoof? And the pope is a member (sorry, EX-member) of same- Are these two facts related? The public has a right to know….

SorosBot May 11, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Well of course the Catholic Church must go after the Girl Scouts; the group teaches girls that they are full human beings with rights and builds up their self-esteem, instead of telling them that as girls they're worthless and only good for making babies and serving men.

HobbesEvilTwin May 11, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Of course the Catholic Church hates the Girl Scouts; girls cannot, and will not ever have a pre-pubescent P-E-N-I-S for the cardinals and priests to love molest.

EatsBabyDingos May 11, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Screw the Bishops and the Pope-on-a-Rope they brought into the shower.

Joshua Norton May 11, 2012 at 2:10 pm

So, which star on the flag is the Vatican?

poorgradstudent May 11, 2012 at 2:10 pm

So basically the Catholic Church is being more vigilant against the Girl Scouts than it was against the Nazi Party back in the day.

NICE ONE! At this rate it would be easier to do PR for the Klu Klux Klan than for Mother Church.

IncenseDebate May 11, 2012 at 2:11 pm

More and more I'm disgusted by the Catholic church, Christians, and organized religion in general.

SorosBot May 11, 2012 at 2:11 pm

The Catholics are also fighting against that horrible scourge of co-ed baseball teams:
http://thinkprogress.org/alyssa/2012/05/11/482600

actor212 May 11, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Well, in fairness, girls can't hit the curve ball.

Neither can the KC Royals, so….

Fukui-sanRadioBarb May 11, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Wha …

Honestly, I don't get this one. How on earth can having a girl on a baseball team violate religious beliefs? Was it a part of the sermon on the mount which got edited out?

"Blessed are the ballplayers, for they shall not catch the cooties"

widestanceromance May 11, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Duh, girls on the team will bring menstrual blood upon them and therefore need to be killed. It's for their own protection.

Nostrildamus May 11, 2012 at 2:28 pm

But I suffer not a woman to bunt, nor to hit-and-run, nor to run the wheel play over a man, for that would be a double-play.

1 Timothy 6:66

actor212 May 11, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Neither shall a woman be allowed to swing away on an 3-1 count, nor an 2-1 count except that the man on first is attempting to steal second, for that is an abomination in the eyes of The Lord

GOPCrusher May 11, 2012 at 4:49 pm

To be fair, most modern baseball players shouldn't be allowed to swing on a 3-1 count. I'm looking at you Starlin Castro.

Fukui-sanRadioBarb May 11, 2012 at 2:36 pm

And, lo, God created the grand slam, and the sacrifice fly, and the stretch of the seventh inning, and saw that they were good.

And God spake unto Eve, saying "play not this game, for you have a va-jay-jay and that's icky."

Book of Pedobear, epistles to the Ericksons

BigSkullF*ckingDog May 11, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Dude, you just made me laugh so loud that my co-workers now all think I'm crazy. Not cool.

Chichikovovich May 11, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Though in the Church's defense (those aren't words I often write) it sounds like that school is run by a group that regards Opus Dei as a bunch of leftists. People that even Rick Santorum will look at and say "Those people are nuts!"

gregpphoto May 14, 2012 at 1:16 am

I love the gall of saying "we want to instill respect of women in our boys." How, by not treating them as equals??

JustPixelz May 11, 2012 at 2:12 pm

"Critics said the blog’s link led to a Marie Claire home page promoting, among other items, a sex advice article."

Those helpless girls would never have seen anything about sex on the internet if it weren't for the Girl Scouts and their nefarious "linking".

Fare la Volpe May 11, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Shit, it's Marie Claire. Five bucks says the article was "Five Frisky Ways to Hold a Man's Hand."

Maman May 11, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Wow. Glad that they solved the problem of pedophilia so they could move on to the horror that is the Brownies.

valthemus May 11, 2012 at 2:16 pm

The Girl Scouts try to teach young women to be independent thinkers who can summon their own inner strength to solve problems and lead when called upon to do so. I believe that's known among right-wing Christians as "heresy."

PubOption May 11, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Traditional definition of heresy – 'disagreeing with the pope'.

miss_grundy May 11, 2012 at 2:16 pm

First they came for the nuns, then the Girl Scouts. Who's next, Sodality? (Sodality is the Child of Mary girls, who are not the Marists, which is the Society of Mary. They are known for publication of the missal and liberation theology.)

actor212 May 11, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Well, the church already gave a bunch of American nuns a dressing down, so there's your answer.

YasserArraFeck May 11, 2012 at 4:07 pm

As a kid, forced to go to mass, I remember the priest burbling on about "women's sodality" and thinking it sounded sort of pervy (as we all know, the word is derived from the town of Sodal, a place so perverted that it made Sodom and Gomorrah seem like Disneyworld in comparison)
"What happens in Sodal, stays in…..ah fuck it, go forth and brag about it – no-one's ever going to believe you anyway"

Doktor StrangeZoom May 11, 2012 at 2:16 pm

The Bishops also plan to boycott Hallmark Cards for featuring Peppermint Patty and her little lesbian friend, Marcie.

anniegetyerfun May 11, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Dear Girl Scouts: Just go ahead and change your name to Future Abortion Dykes of America. It doesn't matter what you do – this is how the Christian Right will always see you. Go ahead and roll with it.

OneYieldRegular May 11, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Free "Sassy" back-issue with every merit badge!

anniegetyerfun May 11, 2012 at 2:25 pm

I think I felt a little surge of sexual excitement at reading that. I still mourn the loss of Sassy.

Fare la Volpe May 11, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Abortion Dykes of America would make a great band name.

Trannysurprise May 11, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Can they please just STFU? Haven't they damaged their brand enough?

For fucks sake just shut up.

OurDailyBread May 12, 2012 at 1:12 pm

No they haven't damaged it enough. It still exists.

OneYieldRegular May 11, 2012 at 2:21 pm

On the bright side, it's refreshing to see the Catholic Church shifting their interest away from Boy Scouts for a change.

smashedinhat May 11, 2012 at 2:48 pm

That's only because they heard that the Brownies sit under a giant mushroom.

Oblios_Cap May 11, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Doctors Without Borders? Is that anything like Medecins Sans Frontieres?

anniegetyerfun May 11, 2012 at 2:25 pm

But with less brie.

randcoolcatdaddy May 11, 2012 at 2:24 pm

The Sierra Club … those evil commies…

mavenmaven May 11, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Clearly its time for the Catholic Church to bring back the Inquisition, and I'd guess Donahue and his Catholic League would approve.
A few girl scouts on the rack, and America would be Saved.

actor212 May 11, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Cardinal Fang! The tasty cookies!

barto May 11, 2012 at 2:52 pm

preferrably the Spanish Inquisition, because a) nobody expects it, and b) they can really lay into Dolores

pdiddycornchips May 11, 2012 at 2:56 pm

The Catholic Church is a criminal syndicate hiding behind St. Peter. No other organization in the long history of man has a similar record of corruption, genocide and other crimes against humanity. That they survive is a testament to their ability to adapt and yet still maintain their criminal hierarchy. If the Vatican were ever infiltrated by a mole, oh what stories could be told.

Designer_Rants May 11, 2012 at 10:06 pm

Prada Mafia?

glamourdammerung May 11, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Bring back the Inquisition? Where do you think it went?

Ratzinger was the head of it prior to being pope.

johnnyzhivago May 11, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Why can't the Girl Scouts be more like the Bund Deutscher Mädel in der Hitler-Jugend ???

fartknocker May 11, 2012 at 2:27 pm

So now young women and girls have two things to worry about: The GOP and the Catholic Church. Never mind that the Church can't seem to solve its problem of pedophiles with white collars.

If I was a newlywed and wanted to start a family, I would seriously consider not having a child in the US at this date in history. I can keep the church at bay but the GOP, those douches are around every corner.

prommie May 11, 2012 at 2:28 pm

jeu sans frontiers

MosesInvests May 11, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Adolph has a red flag, Chiang-Ching's is blue….

prommie May 11, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Andre (Malraux) had a red flag. . .

johnnyzhivago May 11, 2012 at 2:28 pm

The sad fact is that Obama plans to use combat trained Girl Scouts and suicide Brownies in his assault on the Catholic Church next year.

Just DON'T buy those cookies people! It pays for their weapons!

finallyhappy May 11, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Wow, so glad I bought 15 boxes this year- despite the price increase- guess the extra 4.50 a box this year goes to handheld missile launhcers

Infrogmation May 11, 2012 at 2:28 pm

When Girl Scouts are outlawed, only outlaws will be Girl Scouts.

Fairtackle May 11, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Well at least they have yet to figure out that the ultimate purpose of the paramilitary wing of Planned Parenthood is guarding the FEMA camps….oh oops, empty bag. No cat.

HelmutNewton May 11, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Pssstt! Hey Catholic Bishops! There's this other thing you may want to investigate: it's a world-wide, centuries-long pedophile ring run by….you!!!

Fare la Volpe May 11, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Hurts, don't it?

SorosBot May 11, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Sadly, no that's not snark. And lately the Church has gone overboard in emphasizing the woman-hating.

C_R_Eature May 11, 2012 at 2:35 pm

"Critics contend that Girl Scouts materials shouldn’t contain links to groups such as Doctors without Borders, the Sierra Club and Oxfam because they support family planning or emergency contraception."

I'd be much more upset if the Girl Scout materials contained links to the Catholic Church, because it supports superstition, authoritarianism and pedophilia.

BigSkullF*ckingDog May 11, 2012 at 2:35 pm

I got my very first merit badge in self defense aka " how to stop a creepy priest from raping me".

pdiddycornchips May 11, 2012 at 2:46 pm

" Mother Church is busy investigating"

Is that anything like an Inquisition?

C_R_Eature May 11, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Obligatory Catholic Girls post.

barto May 11, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Memo to church elders, eventually everything links to Planned Parenthood. Six degrees of separation, dudes.

Pragmatist2 May 11, 2012 at 3:01 pm

I propose that the Girl Scouts launch an investigation of the Bishops. They represent much more of a danger to he Scouts than the Scouts do to the Bishops.

Dashboard Buddha May 11, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Irrelevant church is irrelevant.

Designer_Rants May 11, 2012 at 7:28 pm

Irrelevant church wants us to look over there! Pay no attention to the rampant pedophilia.

Geminisunmars May 11, 2012 at 3:18 pm

I have finally lived long enough to see Girl Scouts denigrated. I can go to my just desserts now.

Fluffy_Kitties May 11, 2012 at 3:41 pm

There's a simple solution for this grudge match: disguise a troop of zombie Girl Scouts as pubescent boys and dispatch them to take communion at CathoLich archdioceses around the country. When the Bishops attempt to sodomize the little zombies in the confession booth, they'll contract undead cooties and disintegrate into filth.

outragedcitizen May 11, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Meh… the Catholic Church became irrelevant right after the Inquisition.

elburritodeluxe May 11, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Our conclusion: they appear not to have male genitalia!

savethispatient May 11, 2012 at 4:05 pm

You know, if parents still actually trusted their children with the Catholic Church, they could always send them to the religious alternative to the Girl Scouts: the Girls' Brigade. That's what some of my peers went to when I was growing up anyway.

elburritodeluxe May 11, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Jesus can forgive the church for forcing girls to become slaves in the Magdalene Laundries but He will never forgive that terrible lady who tried to get better wages for workers!

Redhead May 11, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Yes yes, the terrorists will next attack us where it hurts most – through our junk food.

owhatever May 11, 2012 at 4:42 pm

If I were Catholic, I would quit and find some other religion. Like none. I really don't give a hoot what the leaders of this cult say. The track record ain't all that great, except for the Borgias.

Now the bishops are jealous that they don't look as good in their fancy dresses as the scouts do in plain green frocks.

mcrummett May 11, 2012 at 4:58 pm

I walked by a drug store once that I'm told sells condoms. Will I be thrown out of the church now? And I'm not even Catholic!

HistoriCat May 11, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Wasn't that whole lack of boy parts enough of a defense against creepy priests?

DeLand_DeLakes May 11, 2012 at 5:49 pm

Dolores Huerta is fucking rad! Not funny, but true!

BZ1 May 11, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Oxfam? Oxfam? An organization dedicated to creating self-sustaining programs in developing communities worldwide by focusing on health security, food security and democratic – whoops there's the kicker!

sbj1964 May 11, 2012 at 6:35 pm

The Catholic church takes on the girl scouts.My bets are on the Girl scouts they have better cookies than the churches wheat crackers.

SorosBot May 11, 2012 at 10:03 pm

Wheat crackers? You are wrong; that's human flesh there, to be consumed in ritual cannibalism, that just happens to look and taste like a cracker.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 11, 2012 at 7:17 pm

Critics contend that Girl Scouts materials shouldn’t contain links to groups such as Doctors without Borders, the Sierra Club and Oxfam because they support family planning or emergency contraception.

Everyone knows that emergency contraception is only to be used during emergency sex. How stupid of the GSA.

However, how will they ever be a decent abortion mill if they teach family planning and contraception. They should have Bristol Palin as their roll model, and teach just to swig wine coolers and let the consequences be damned.

owhatever May 11, 2012 at 10:04 pm

I suggest a gay marriage between the Girl Scouts and the Catholic Church.

Designer_Rants May 11, 2012 at 10:04 pm

Another Inquisition? Why do I always get reincarnated just before everything goes to hell?

aussiefromafar May 11, 2012 at 10:15 pm

The catholic church (my lower case) in the USA is more miserably uptight and reactionary than most anywhere else in the world. That's a record I never thought would be achieved.

jzgplj May 11, 2012 at 11:17 pm

Fuck the Catholic Church, fuck them up their tiny little asses….oh wait, they probably would like that, wouldn't they?

LadyWisdom May 12, 2012 at 12:19 am

Tax the churches.

Fukui-sanRadioBarb May 12, 2012 at 1:00 am

Yes.

DahBoner May 12, 2012 at 7:55 pm

Next up: The Catholic Church investigates The World's Largest Christian Cult, none of their traditions are anywhere to be found in The Bible…

gregpphoto May 14, 2012 at 1:15 am

In all seriousness, can someone explain how the Sierra Club is a bad influence? I get the planned parenthood thing (from the church's perspective at least, not my own), but really, the Sierra Club? One of the largest conservation groups on the planet? Thats like being against the Red Cross or the Peace Corps! Is there something that the Sierra Club does that I'm not aware of?

BigSkullF*ckingDog May 11, 2012 at 2:39 pm

We should infiltrate and subvert this organization.

Geminisunmars May 11, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Would require too much proximity. Bleeechk.

FakaktaSouth May 11, 2012 at 3:31 pm

I'm for it – I like all the verts, subvert, pervert, invert (Top Gun!)

rickmaci May 11, 2012 at 3:07 pm

There is a Dan Brown novel in this story somewhere. "Langdon paused to collect his thoughts. "The Cardinal was head of the office of the Inquisition until he was elected Pope. Did the College of Cardinals vote with unanimity…or out of fear?"

Designer_Rants May 11, 2012 at 7:10 pm

I don't know. I backed outta that page as soon as I realized it was A) real and B) had 50K+ "likes".

Designer_Rants May 11, 2012 at 9:55 pm

Top Gun High Five!

Designer_Rants May 11, 2012 at 9:56 pm

I was sure that every Wonkette was a fat sweaty old balding white guy (Big Ed Schultz, all of 'em, probably), but then I saw pictures of the LA party.

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