oh also after dinner there's an orgy

Romney Fans To Gobble Down Sex Pills At Posh Fundraiser

This photo right here is all the birth control anyone ought to needReal Americans everywhere are recoiling in disgust at Mitt Romney’s latest campaign move: He’s inviting the wealthiest plutocrats to dine with him on Star Island, a literally insular retreat of the rich and powerful near Miami. The fat cats will have to pony up $50,000 apiece just to bask in Mitt’s presence, with the campaign accountants using some kind of jiggery pokery to make a mockery of the legal limits on campaign contributions. Here, the 1 percent will eat gold-plated quail livers and plot their continuing class war against … haha, just kidding, nobody is at all angry about a standard fundraising tactic enjoyed by Democratic and Republican candidates alike! But there is a wee bit of outrage over the fact that the host of this event is the Chairman of the Board of the company that makes a popular emergency contraceptive, which means that this event is basically the equivalent of Mitt Romney sending nuns to Auschwitz.

It is fun every four years to watch True Believers of all political stripes suddenly discover how elections work, if you consider candidates constantly trundling up to huge troughs of money and diving in head-first to be “working.” This particular cash-binge is hosted by the fabulously wealthy Phillip Frost; Teva Pharmaceutical Industries, the company Frost heads, is a multi-billion-dollar corporation that makes dozens and dozens of fun and profitable flavors of pills, including Adderal (Ivy League meth), Zolpidem (quickly overtaking roofies to become the #1 date rape drug), and, yes, Plan B, a pill you take if you are a lady and you don’t want to get pregnant and you just had sex with some guy but didn’t use another form of birth control (or maybe the form you did use had a li’l accident). Pro-life types like to call it the “abortion pill,” because they want to move the goalposts on conception from “when a fertilized egg implants in your uterus” to “when a dude blows it in your hoo-hah.”

Mitt’s thoughts on abortion and birth control and whether sex should ever be even slightly fun have of course famously evolved since his days as a liberal Masschusettsian, and now he too calls Plan B an abortion pill, or rather an “abortive pill,” because Mitt Romney doesn’t talk like humans do.

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Anyway, some pro-life groups that are even more out of touch with political reality than your typical pro-life groups are begging Romney to cancel this fundraiser, or at least claimed that they were when the Daily Caller harassed them about it. The fundraiser will go ahead and everyone will completely forget about it in a few weeks, and the controversy will have obscured the real scandal here: according to Wikipedia, Phillip Frost has a French Literature degree from an elitist East Coast university! Will he and Mitt talk to each other in the devil’s socialist language (French)? [Think Progress/Daily Caller]

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About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

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166 comments

    1. Doktor StrangeZoom

      Shoot, a fella could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff.

  1. weejee

    Would you expect any different from Eddie Mittens Haskel? You missed the part where Rmoney kept asking his host Phil Frost for a pair of scissors.

    1. Guppy

      Probably. Gays may have use for boner pills, but not morning after pills, so they're not worth as much as hetero customers.

  2. memzilla

    Wow– a fundraiser with the maker of meth, roofies, and the morning-after pill sounds like the makings of a great party. Leave your morals at the door, and dive right in!

  3. Ruhe

    Goal post…in the hoo-ha…? I'm no engineer but I'm pretty sure that isn't going to work.

    1. Baconzgood

      *sniffle*
      It's very special when 2 people meet, have drunken sex, then freak out.

      1. actor212

        There's a great mashup to be had between that post and the one from last year(? 2010?) where the investment douche banker wrote that note after a first date demanding to know why she won't take his calls and laying out a strategic plan as to why he's the perfect boyfriend.

        1. Fare la Volpe

          Was his name Dimitri?

          Seriously, if you haven't listened to that call, you have not lived. Choice words: "There's nothing wrong with me!!"

        1. Barb

          My God, how long have ya'll been on Wonkette? That was 2006. I've been here a year and a half-ish.

          1. Barb

            I have big boobs. I couldn't possibly have many pees for being funny, cuz girls aren't funny.

          2. Chichikovovich

            Well why didn't you say so! I'm absolutely going to start checking your twitter feed daily hourly if you have big hooters.

          3. Barb

            Stand in line, I'm touching them at this moment.

            I'll pay you $100.00 if you go to Taco Cabana for me and get me some huevos rancheros with green chilies.

          4. Chichikovovich

            I think I'm seeing a pattern here. Apparently among genuinely clever women, breasts are a repository of stored wit. This would explain why posting first at will is among your super-powers. (See, Extemporanus: you forgot a basic principle of detective stories: Cherchez les seins!)

          5. Barb

            I'm not going to answer Actor212's post about the "eggs AND the $100.00" Not all the womenfolk sit around and wait for the tripods to give us money.

            I miss Extemporanus.

          6. Chichikovovich

            Oh dear – you're right. Looks like Extemporanus has gone walkabout. Hope it's just temporary, that is one funny guy.
            I was missing him and didn't even know it. Now I really miss him.

          7. Chichikovovich

            Cupcakes…. Is that another euphemism for "breasts"?

            [But yes, I'm sure you're right. Someone that sharp and subtle won't be able to resist for long the lure of people who will actually get most of his jokes most of the time.]

  4. actor212

    including Adderal (Ivy League meth), Zolpidem (quickly overtaking roofies to become the #1 date rape drug)

    WAIT! WAIT! SLOW DOWN!

    ..-p-i-d-e-m…..OK, I'm caught up. Go on.

  5. Goonemeritus

    Corporations always bet the field so whoever wins they don’t lose. The middle class always bet whoever wins they will get screwed so in a way both groups are right.

  6. sharethegrief

    I took that emergency contraception pill once and it was the best peace of mind buzz I ever had.

      1. sharethegrief

        This was prior to 1999, before the small government lovers got big ideas about sluts. My doc sensed panic in my voice and called in a script for 1 pill, full of hormones, to keep the egg from implanting. I'll never know nor care if I was 12 hours pregnant, but my peace of mind was bliss.
        Shorter story: reproductive rights=human rights

    1. Fare la Volpe

      I pop 'em like tic tacs.

      That way, no matter how shitty my life has been, I can at least be happy that I'm not pregnant.

          1. Chichikovovich

            Not this precise subfield – my research is more in the analysis of algorithms/theoretical computation/foundations of mathematics direction – but in the general ballpark, yes. Occasionally I've had to teach courses where this topic came up.—

  7. Terry

    The worst part of that fundraiser is when the host gets a few glasses of wine in him…French wine, of course….and insists on talking about French literature.

  8. b[redact]opple

    Oh jfruh, Teva doesn't make Adderall — they make a generic knockoff which they have to call "Mixed Amphetamine Salts"! Also, Teva is Israeli, which will maybe piss off some people, but not others?

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Yeah, Teva is basically the generic giant of the Middle East (as opposed to Dr. Reddys the biggest generic maker in India). Not surprisingly they'd be pro-GOP, as the GOP (the party of business) is somehow now hostile to both patents (except for wingnuts like Phyllis Schaffley who thinks people in their garages really are the drivers of the IP system) and the FDA.

  9. Doktor StrangeZoom

    Just for the sake of throwing in boring factual facts, Plan B isn't the abortion pill, as Josh alludes to, but for the sake of handling the wingers' talking points, there is no evidence that Plan B keeps an already fertilized egg from implanting in the uterus. Then again, masturbation IS half a Holocaust.

      1. PuckStopsHere

        I killed a sperm in Reno, just to watch it die. (Ok, that's a lie. I was just horny.)

  10. CapnFatback

    Plan B? No, no, no–that's aiming to high. Romney is the GOP's Plan M. Maybe L, tops.

  11. jodyleek

    So, let me get this straight…coffee and booze are the DEVIL! But, uppers and downers cranked out by big pharma are a-okay with the Mormon Jesus? Is that right?

    1. prommie

      Mormons loooove authority, and Doctors are Authority, so that prescription changes things completely. Its kinda like the same thing with the "hysterical" victorian women, who would go to the doctor and the doctor would prescribe a cream that they had to massage, vigourously, into the area of their hoo-hah, for a good long time. Voila! Sinful masturbation transmogrified into medically necessary therapy. Also too medical marijuana.

      1. Fare la Volpe

        What you're falsely presuming is that they let the woman rub the cream themselves. Naturally Victoria doctors never let stupid creatures like women do things for themselves! No — the doctors the rubbed the hysteria out of the women! It's the only logical thing to do.

        And we wonder why women go to the doctor more often…

          1. HistoriCat

            I can't look it up at work but there is book out there on the history of the vibrator … invented for Victorian-era doctor's offices.

    2. proudgrampa

      Absolutely. The state of Utah has the highest rate of anti-depressant use in the country.

  12. Baconzgood

    Now even the wing nuts won't vote for him. This election is so clusterfucked for the GOP. I knew it was when Frothy was an actual contender. Bye-bye House (fingers crossed).

    1. actor212

      Yea, I don't want to spike a football for November in May, but the way Obama has planned this election strategy, I can't see him losing and I can see Dems grabbing soft seats like Maine senate.

      1. Baconzgood

        His election strategy is keep quiet and let them train wreck themselves. Now if we can get people who don't have to rely on the Grand Old Party screwing themselves and run on platforms…Then Baconz will buy everyone on Wonkette a jello shot.

      2. Chichikovovich

        The chess grandmaster (near-world champion) David Bronstein liked to say "If your opponent makes a blunder, don't try to refute it right away. It may be preparation for a bigger one."

    1. natoslug

      It could be my natural pessimism, or maybe it's the 87 pounds of mucous currently packed into my sinuses and trying to explode out my ears and nose and making the world a haze of misery, but I think as long as Mittens does not suddenly find himself covered with extra melanin, he has a decent shot at the presidency. We are a nation of dolts. Racist, rage-filled, two-faced dolts. And even if we weren't, who do you think the Diebold machines are going to vote for?- the human or the tool? Voting machines are people too, my friend.

  13. James Michael Curley

    Romney is already on Plan C. This is where the campaign spends a little less the GDP of Poland to convince independents he is running unopposed.

  14. V572 Is this him?

    Screw the drugs, just another way to make money off the poor, sick and desperate, who cares about that…But will any of these Richie Riches be able to get a goddamn drink at this wingding?

  15. Chichikovovich

    Phillip Frost must be channeling Krusty the Klown. "Well, he and his party say that I and my business are the worst genocidal monsters since I.G. Farben shipped Zyklon-B in unmarked drums. But man, I sure would love that capital gains tax cut."

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Yeah but the fucking dems are talking about maybe making him pay just a little more in marginal taxes, and making sure the FDA actually double checks his claim that his generics operate the same as the name-brand drugs. I mean, the GOP may not like him, but they aren't trying to make it hard for him to run a business or anything.

  16. EatsBabyDingos

    A goal post in the hoo-hah is a pretty good form of birth control. Unless it is a really big hoo-hah.

  17. Dashboard Buddha

    "goalposts on conception"

    I thought this goalpost was moved to two weeks before a woman has sex with a guy.

    1. FakaktaSouth

      Based on the date-rapey capabilities, this appears one of those rare drugs that is more fun to give TO someone than take yourself, unless you just prefer to have your sex without knowing about it. However, I believe this is just another bunch of big-sexist-pharma keeping down the lay-deez, because I don't know of a drug that will knock a guy flat on his ass with a rock hard boner.

      1. DaRooster

        "…I don't know of a drug that will knock a guy flat on his ass with a rock hard boner."

        Like there has ever need to be such a thing… you know, to "trick" a guy into having any sex ever.

        1. Chichikovovich

          I think the idea is that this way the physical specimen won't spoil the mood by, like, talking.

          Edit: And it would resolve the whole "pushing the woman's head while she's performing oral sex" issue that was discussed back on one of the Herman Cain threads.

          1. FakaktaSouth

            Nailed it. (Like my personal prophet Chris Rock said, "I was gonna give him some til he started TALKING")

            Also, it's not so much the pushing your head down DURING blowjobs that is a problem, it's the shoving a person's head down toward your pecker as a way of letting her know what's on your mind. There has GOT to be a smoother way.

          2. HistoriCat

            "FakaktaSouth's Guide to Smoother Sex"

            When will that be available as an e-book?

      2. Chichikovovich

        Hmmm… I'm thinking there's a market for a zolpidem/viagra combo pill. Now I just have to borrow $20,000 from my parents and I'll be rich! (I'll cut you in on the profits, of course, 'cause I'm one of those foreign socialists.)

        1. prommie

          Crowdsource the start-up costs! Who wouldn't sign on to a female date-rape drug? I can see the first commercial right now, the theme: The Table has Turned!

  18. Fare la Volpe

    Can we just get one thing straight: Plan B is not an abortion pill.

    Plan B works by increasing the amount of hormones inside the woman's uterus — about double that of a normal birth control pill. The next day the sudden drop in hormones signals her body that she's having her period, and it flushes the uterus accordingly. Now considering it takes sperm about 72 hours to find and implant in an egg, Plan B pills stop conception before it even starts.

    To argue that it's an abortion pill indicates that these fucknuts a) are fucking stupid, b) don't know jack shit about how women work, c) don't actually care to know jack shit about how women work, and d) are really fucking stupid.

    1. Chichikovovich

      In most cases it's "All of them Katie", but in some cases you should add "e) Know damn well how it works and are not quite that stupid, but are shameless liars who either oppose all birth control or just see political advantage in distorting the facts."

      1. FakaktaSouth

        Hell yeah they know how it works, it gives lady-types the ability to ALSO have sex without a shit ton of guilt, misery and woe be-unto-them when things go crazy, and HELL NO WE CANNOT HAVE THAT. If bitches don't be feeling bad about their sexy-time how else can we control it?

        Stomp stomp stomp! (this stuff makes me stompy. And wish I were sluttier, just cause)

  19. Serolf_Divad

    The more innocent 1 day old Christian babies this guy aborts, the more potential subjects Mitt and his buddies have for post-mortem Mormon conversion ceremonies… think about it, SHEEPLE!.

  20. C_R_Eature

    Plan B? Whew! I thought for a minute that they were talking about Zyklon B.
    Will the Chairman of the Board of the Bayer Company be attending also?

      1. C_R_Eature

        Oh, riiight. Thanks. I'm thinking of the Original Birth Control Pill, the inter-kneecap dermally applied Aspirin. Foster Freiss says it's incredibly effective, but only when used as directed.

  21. BlueStateLibel

    Mitt Scissorhands Rmoney is now literally associating with a known abortion-provider – whatcha gonna do now, wingnuts?

    1. JohnyEdge

      When even a Mormon Republican consorts with abortive providers, it just proves how the relatives have incalculated the post-modern liberal aesthetics.

  22. FakaktaSouth

    Wouldn't it be cool if there was a group of people whose job it was to ask Mitt Romney what his deal is here exactly – like with cameras and microphones, so that we could all see Mitt explain the symmetry between "Planned Parenthood? We'll get rid of that" because they (DO NOT) take abortion money – and "Hey dude, gimme some of that Whore-moan cash, I'll totally take abortion money."

    1. Barb

      Bristol has been trending on twitter for two days straight. I'm talking thousands and thousands of mean tweets and then one goober will post "love ya, stay strong, God hates fags" and then I have to spend another hour writing mean tweets to shove theirs down the list.

        1. Barb

          I'm thinking that a bowl of Life cereal will sober me up. Then I can face the day. Sucks that the kitchen is downstairs though. Who designed this freaking house anyway?

          1. Jus_Wonderin

            Let down a rope from the second floor. I will tie a box on it. You need milk up there too?

          2. HistoriCat

            You don't keep a mini fridge in the bedroom for essentials like milk and margarita mix?

  23. HippieEsq

    You've offended Mrs. HippieEsq. with "hoo-hah"….apparentlyt she prefers the proper medical term, "va-jay-jay".

  24. SudsMcKenzie

    A 50k a head party sponsored by the "morning after pill" guy, … lets see if Ann is Really a working woman.

    1. George Spelvin

      Great pic. You're not actually lynnrockets , are you? 'Cause if you are, I remember you fondly from the Mudflats.

      1. C_R_Eature

        Nope, sorry – I'm thousands of miles away from AK. I shamelessly stole that from her, though I like her style also.

  25. fuflans

    i really don't know how much more of this 'campaign' i can stomach.

    i think i'm going to retreat to middle earth and pretend i'm arwen or galadriel or something like i did when i was an awkward wkinny teen with braces and too much hair.

  26. UnholyMoses

    "“when a dude blows it in your hoo-hah."

    Whoa. Wait a second. I'm supposed to blow it in there?

    Looks as though my sex ed teacher was a failure …

    1. Negropolis

      The blowing is what keeps the babies away. Otherwise, they just keep rolling out.

  27. BerkeleyBear

    Different company, sadly – despite the connection of roofie like substances and Tevas.

  28. James Michael Curley

    OK, I know it's only 8:03 AM out there in LA. But when I lived out there I had to be at work at 7:00 AM because the markets opened at 10:00 in NYC. Will somebody go over to Hancock Park and see if any of the ladies fell in the tar pits?

  29. An_Outhouse

    modern gold-plated quail livers are full of antibiotics force fed to the birds to bloat their livers. Richy Rich is going to contract a new antibiotic resistant infection and die a painful skin eating disease. So there's an upside to all of this.

  30. ttommyunger

    One of the advantages of being a poor is never having to rub shoulders with flabby fucks like this.

  31. Wile E. Quixote

    You know if Teva combined Adderall™ and Plan B™ into a single pill I think they'd have a real winner on their hands.

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