AMERICA'S GREATEST PUNDITS  3:35 pm May 10, 2012

Barack Obama Has Now Totally Ruined Marriage for Bristol Palin

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

She is the Internet's new K-Lo, but with sex. Oh good, Alaska’s at-risk youth have an opinion about Barack Obama’s new/old stance in favor of same-sex marriage! He revealed this to America with a bland anecdote about how his daughters would never think to treat the gay parents of their classmates differently than other parents, remember? Let’s go to spokesmom Bristol Palin for the official Wasilla Family Values Coalition response: “It would’ve been helpful for [Barack Obama] to explain to Malia and Sasha that while her [sic] friends’ [gay] parents are no doubt lovely people, that’s not a reason to change thousands of years of thinking about marriage.” Wine coolers are a much better, if not the only, reason to do so. Go on: “Or that – as great as her [sic] friends may be – we know that in general kids do better growing up in a mother/father home.” The “we” in that sentence refers to a fictional tribe of space wombats. She’s on a roll!

So let me get this straight – it’s a problem if my mom listened too much to my dad, but it’s a heroic act if the President made a massive change in a policy position that could affect the entire nation after consulting with his teenage daughters?

Someone sounds a *tad* jealous! Now time for some poorly-disguised projection:

Sometimes dads should lead their family in the right ways of thinking. In this case, it would’ve been nice if the President would’ve been an actual leader and helped shape their thoughts instead of merely reflecting what many teenagers think after one too many episodes of Glee.

Still more witty than ninety percent of everything we read in the WaPo opinion section. [Bristol Palin's Word Diarrhea]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 275 comments }

ManchuCandidate May 10, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Jackass.

Barb May 10, 2012 at 3:37 pm

"Obama's daughters watch too much Glee." said Bristol Palin who must have watched too much 16 and Pregnant.

ManchuCandidate May 10, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Watched? Lived it. Got the DWTS contract and new chin for it.

Ben Cisco May 10, 2012 at 3:43 pm

And THAT is why I come here.

Barb May 10, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Thanks for being here with us, Ben.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 10, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Because you're evil and twisted and addicted to snark?

HistoriCat May 10, 2012 at 5:41 pm

Stop judging me!

OurDailyBread May 10, 2012 at 8:34 pm

I came for the snark and stayed for the evil.

Lascauxcaveman May 10, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Lol, the "Glee" zinger was actually pretty good, considering the source.

But from reading the post, I can't see how the prez said anything at all about how his daughter's opinions shaped his own. It looks only like he was just pointing out that his kids aren't necessarily hateful and bigoted bitches.

Try it sometime, Bris. It's working pretty well for that nice McCain girl.

Chet Kincaid May 10, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Megs McCannons as a Brisket role model?! No way! Those two are only a couple Cosmos at a Repub event away from a rolling-on-the-ground, bitch-slapping brawl!

BigSkullF*ckingDog May 10, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Great. I'm not getting any work done for the rest of the afternoon with that image in my head. My boss says "thanks a lot".

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 10, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Megs has the nicest dirtypillows.

HistoriCat May 10, 2012 at 4:09 pm

I like Megs – she seems like a nice girl considering where she comes from and who is in her family. But I don't want to see her in a brawl with Bristol – single mama would probably take Megs down in less than a minute.

They don't play nice in Wasilla.

GOPCrusher May 10, 2012 at 4:45 pm

Oh I don't know. Megs looks like she's a little experience in a little rough-n-tumble. Just to be on the safe side, they should probably get after it in skin tight bathing suits just to ensure there are no foreign objects hidden.

sullivanst May 10, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Sounds like a great fundraising opportunity.

chascates May 10, 2012 at 5:09 pm

The latest from Megs:
Meghan McCain ‏ @McCainBlogette
@chelywright so nice meeting you as well. Thank you for your courage!! Xoxo
Meghan McCain ‏ @McCainBlogette
My take on President Obama's support of same-sex marriage: <a href="http://mccainblogette.com/blog/post/obama-for-gay-marriage
” target=”_blank”>http://mccainblogette.com/blog/post/obama-for-gay-marriage

FakaktaSouth May 10, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Oh man, I swear I clicked on this god foresaken shit JUST to see, WWBS? (what WILL Barb say … to make me laugh and not throw my laptop) Thank you for saving my computer. Love love love.

Chet Kincaid May 10, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Barb plays the Palins like a Stradivarius!

Barb May 10, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Thanks FakaktaSouth! Love love love back.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 10, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Obama's daughters carry too heavy of a school load to spend much time watching TV at all.

ChessieNefercat May 10, 2012 at 7:20 pm

Ta-da! For the win! Best response I've seen.

Barb May 10, 2012 at 7:51 pm

Thanks Chessie!

V572 Is this him? May 13, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Yep it's true. Mutual agreement, no hard feelings, we're still friends, etc. What a relief, and yes I'm fine except for the cold I got on the aluminum disease machine back from Lima or Houston.

Major Thom May 10, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Getting relationship advice from this moran is like getting cooking advice from Jeffrey Dahmer.

actor212 May 10, 2012 at 3:45 pm

What? He had some great ideas for liver!

Crank_Tango May 10, 2012 at 3:52 pm

No kidding, and he really knew how to take the gaminess out of a 12 year old filipino boy's bicep. Cuz them fuckers is gamey as shit.

Baconzgood May 10, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Man. I know it's wrong to laugh (with spit take no less) at that, but god damn it it feels sooooo right.

PlanetWingNut May 10, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Cranky makes everyone do a spit take…its a shame though he really likes it when people swallow though.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 10, 2012 at 4:44 pm

In ALL fairness, hon, there's not TOO many people who could field dress a human like Jeff.

Chet Kincaid May 10, 2012 at 4:53 pm

What about his fellow Wisconsin Serial Killer Hall-Of-Famer, Ed Gein?

(Eww, you made me think about that shit!!)

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 11, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.

Ed was more into externals, though. You know. Skin and stuff.

GOPCrusher May 10, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Dahmer Nose Pizza

CrunchyKnee May 10, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Shee-yit, shouldn't you be making a sandwich for some dude?

lowaltflier May 10, 2012 at 3:42 pm

What she wants is to be the the meat in a sandwich between two dudes.

Chet Kincaid May 10, 2012 at 4:41 pm

LeBron and Wade? Sarah mighta passed on the Baller gene.

BaldarTFlagass May 10, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Iron my shirt, bee-yotch!

nonbeliever7 May 10, 2012 at 4:38 pm

…and bend over so I can take you from behind while fantasizing about Danica Patrick..

DrunkIrishman May 10, 2012 at 3:38 pm

She's been watching too much 16 and Pregnant.

ChessieNefercat May 10, 2012 at 7:25 pm

Watching it? I believe she thought it was some sort of homeskuling "family life skills" class. She got an A.

BaldarTFlagass May 10, 2012 at 3:38 pm

That cunt acorn sure doesn't fall far from that cunt tree.

LesBontemps May 10, 2012 at 3:45 pm

For God and Cunt Tree!

Fukui-sanYesRadio May 10, 2012 at 3:49 pm

The tree of Cunt needs to be watered from time to time with the wine of coolers.

saysaysomething May 10, 2012 at 4:32 pm

There is lots wrong with Bristol Palin and her hypocritical opinions, but that word is not ok. It's just not.

Mittens Howell, III May 10, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Lose the acorn?

Fare la Volpe May 10, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Tree is highly offensive. We prefer the term Arboreal American.

Chet Kincaid May 10, 2012 at 6:01 pm

And we condemn Mitt Romney for his Heightism!

OurHoboSenator May 10, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Kids do better in a mother/father home? You mean like the one she and Levi have for little Tryptophan, right?

LionHeartSoyDog May 10, 2012 at 6:28 pm

OHS for the winn.

didgen May 11, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Clever! Thanks for the mental image.

Barb May 10, 2012 at 3:39 pm

"I believe marriage is meant to be a sacred institution between two unwilling teenagers." ―Tina Fey, impersonating Sarah Palin

Bristol's idea of engagement is showing a guy a positive pee stick result.

Sarah's mother was pregnant when she got married, Sarah's sister was pregnant when she got married, Sarah was pregnant when she got married, Bristol was pregnant before marriage and Track's wife was pregnant when she got married. STFU on any opinion on "traditional marriage"

BaldarTFlagass May 10, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Well, pre-nuptial sex is obviously part of their family tradition.

BigSkullF*ckingDog May 10, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Do they not have the pill in Alaska? Does it not work cause of the cold? I'm confused.

MissTaken May 10, 2012 at 3:50 pm

They have it, but they call it by it's pharmaceutical name: ClearBlue Easy

smokefilledroommate May 10, 2012 at 3:53 pm

I'm beginning to think they have "piss on the stick" parties.

Fairtackle May 10, 2012 at 3:59 pm

I think they call that foreplay.

Fare la Volpe May 10, 2012 at 5:16 pm

Or as they call them in Wasilla: "Sunday School."

CivicHoliday May 10, 2012 at 9:42 pm

abstinence works!!!! derp

MosesInvests May 10, 2012 at 11:29 pm

Nah, the cold makes them shiver, which causes the aspirin between their knees to fall out.

MadBrahms May 10, 2012 at 4:02 pm

These all sound like cases of the sort of shotgun wedding where many of the attendees carry actual shotguns.

Chet Kincaid May 10, 2012 at 4:15 pm

What else is there to do in Alaska but fuck and harpoon seals?! Wait, that's only one thing.

Baconzgood May 10, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Moral authority Meter

Prez with 2 daughters married for 20 years> Hill Billy 2 kids from 2 different men.

Chet Kincaid May 10, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Huh? Did you go up there and knock Brisket up?!

BaldarTFlagass May 10, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Yeah, but Baconz was drunk (also), so he gets a pass.

Chet Kincaid May 10, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Musta thought it was a package of bacon.

Baconzgood May 10, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Trust me. She'll have another one soon.

mrpuma2u May 10, 2012 at 5:30 pm

My moral authority meter says that comment is a win. I also agree that Bristol will crank out a few more, she should be listed as 2 kids and rising from 2 different men and rising.

kissawookiee May 10, 2012 at 3:39 pm

we know that in general kids do better growing up in a mother/father home

Motherboy XXX would like a word.

Crank_Tango May 10, 2012 at 3:53 pm

you know it's not the band, right?

memzilla May 10, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Oh, Waiter… there's too much vinegar on this word salad.

MoeDeLawn May 10, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Waiter: "Sorry, ma'am. The Newman's is the salad dressing; I believe the Massengill came from your backpack."

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 10, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Oh, ouch.

smokefilledroommate May 10, 2012 at 3:40 pm

"Sometimes dads should lead their family in the right ways of thinking," she continued, "but women should always remain in the kitchen barefoot and pregnant."

Arken May 10, 2012 at 3:40 pm

It's not to hard to be married,
It's much the simplest of crimes,
It's not so hard to be married,
I've done it three or four times.

– Stephen Sondheim (still not legally allowed to marry)

LesBontemps May 10, 2012 at 3:48 pm

But doesn't Sondheim live in New York?

Arken May 10, 2012 at 3:54 pm

I don't really consider gay marriage being legal only in some states as truly being legal. For example, if I as a heterosexual man married a woman from another country, she could get legal residency and maybe a path to citizenship. If a gay man married another man from another country, that other man would not get the same privilege. The same man also couldn't file a joint federal tax return. Until that sort of thing changes, gay marriage is, at best, not ILLegal.

Fukui-sanYesRadio May 10, 2012 at 3:40 pm

So the single mother abstinence-only advocate is now opining on the importance of a strong father figure?

Next week on Irrelevant Dingbats In Opposite World, Casey Anthony explains the importance of being a breastfeeding stay-at-home mom

LettucePrey May 10, 2012 at 3:41 pm

In this case, it would’ve been nice if the President would’ve been an actual leader and helped shape their thoughts

Isn't that precisely what he did? Also, Glee sucks.

Slide back into irrelevance, twunt.

GemlikeFlame May 11, 2012 at 11:28 am

Shaped their thoughts? Isn't that the brainwashing thing that the Russkies do? Sarah should know, she can see all things Russian from her house. Let's ask her.

On the other hand, let's not.

Dashboard Buddha May 10, 2012 at 3:42 pm

This troll has all of the charm of a used q-tip.

YasserArraFeck May 10, 2012 at 3:43 pm

ear wax libel!!!

Crank_Tango May 10, 2012 at 3:54 pm

My cat finds them delicious.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 10, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Cats are pretty strange. My neighbour's has just fallen in love with my gardening hat.

Chet Kincaid May 10, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Did you rub valerian and catnip on it? That's a strange way to get some pussy!

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 11, 2012 at 12:32 pm

I have no idea what's going on with that ancient pussy, but I took my hat off for a minute in the garden yesterday and man, she was ALL OVER it. She even bit me when I tried to rescue it. Fortunately, she got distracted by a butterfly or something. She was just about having sex with the damn thing.

Gunner Asch May 10, 2012 at 7:35 pm

Which is how I discovered I shouldn't leave my hearing aids out on the desk.

ChessieNefercat May 11, 2012 at 9:11 am

My cats hate my hearing aids. Turns out, if I take them out (because I hate them too) and forget to turn them off, the kitties come over to bat the little things around, which causes high-pitched feedback, which the cats construe as an attack.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 11, 2012 at 12:35 pm

I haven't got to the "hearing aids" stage yet (I just don't take phone calls any more), but I'll remember that. Knowing these little bastids, they'll eat 'em, and then I'll have to pay an arm and a leg to get the damn things removed from their little innards.

metamarcisf May 10, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Malia and Sasha would do well to take up some of Bristol's hobbies. Blowing a little dope never hurts.

actor212 May 10, 2012 at 3:44 pm

LEVI JOHNSTON LIBEL!

Barb May 10, 2012 at 3:44 pm

She's blown most of the dopes in Wasilla. Probably smoked some weed too.

LesBontemps May 10, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Blowing a little dope was fine. It was fucking the little dope that got her in real trouble.

actor212 May 10, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Yea, she really needed a good Catholic upbringing.

Chet Kincaid May 10, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Is that what the kinder-gropers are calling it these days?

LesBontemps May 10, 2012 at 3:42 pm

So sad for Bristle that teh gheyz ruined her hetero marriage.

bfstevie May 10, 2012 at 3:42 pm

The Palins are truly America's first family of wisdom.

GOPCrusher May 10, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Especially when it comes to matters of family planning.

GortRay May 10, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Her daddy gave her real good advice on making prom-night toilet babies. Palin fambly values seal of approval.

Arken May 10, 2012 at 3:43 pm

By the way, I'm not a Gleek myself, but how many gay marriages could a show about high school students actually have?

SorosBot May 10, 2012 at 4:03 pm

But see, the show both teen gay male and lesbian couples and presents them as perfectly OK, and one girl who has two dads and turned out basically OK, although obsessed with Broadway.

AnAmericanInTO May 10, 2012 at 4:42 pm

The only weddings on Glee have been hetero.

Except for that time Sue Sylvester married herself.
Now, there's something that Bristol can get behind.

Fox n Fiends May 10, 2012 at 3:43 pm

WELL BLESS HER HEART

actor212 May 10, 2012 at 3:44 pm

MEMO

TO: Bristol Palin

FROM: Actor212

RE: 2008 Presidential Campaign

No one believed for one minute that the First Dude was anything but arm candy for your politically slutty mom. We know who wore the pants in that marriage, honey.

Also, shut up. Too.

BZ1 May 10, 2012 at 3:44 pm

has her mum's gift of the gab …

CommieLibunatic May 10, 2012 at 3:59 pm

More like the Gift of the Blab.

Boojum May 10, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Grift of flab?

Jukesgrrl May 10, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Gab, not to mention writing skills. She managed to execute a plural possessive then immediately crashed on the simpler pronoun choice.

D for effort, Bris … or perhaps you might prefer being graded in another way. We could hold up cards with numbers on them. Something you would understand from personal experience.

Eve8Apples May 10, 2012 at 3:44 pm

"we know that in general kids do better growing up in a mother/father home"

Bristol, honey, you grew up in a mother/father home and look what a big disappointment you turned out to be.

actor212 May 10, 2012 at 3:48 pm

How can you say that???

She's taken the fifteen minutes of fame gifted her by her mom and turned it into a further two minutes before withdrawing into oblivion!

That's a thirteen percent return! She could open a hedge fund!

sullivanst May 10, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Yes, "we" know, except those of us who've read the studies that say quite clearly that same-sex couples do at least as good a job (one study said a slightly better job) or parenting as mother/father homes.

SorosBot May 10, 2012 at 4:15 pm

And, since gay couples can't have a baby by accident, every kid they raise is actually wanted, unlike say Bristol's mistake.

sullivanst May 10, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Sounds like a good explanation for the "better" result.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 10, 2012 at 4:52 pm

The only reliable study I know of has a VERY small sample (and the authors themselves believe that the subject should be studied further before anyone makes pronouncements); however, it unequivocally showed far less child abuse in same-sex couples. And yes, the fact that every child a gay couple has is a *wanted* child might have a lot to do with that.

UnholyMoses May 10, 2012 at 3:44 pm

"that’s not a reason to change thousands of years of thinking about marriage.”

So Bristol and Blockquote (or whatever the hell her sister's name is) were put into arranged marriages because some guy's dad wanted his son to marry them and gave the Palin's a big chunk of change for the honor?

Oh, wait … we stopped doing it that way some time in about the 19th century, despite that being how marriage worked for thousands and thousands of years.

Seems as though Bristol sucks as much at basic history as she … well, sucks (winkwinknudgenudgesaynomore).

BaldarTFlagass May 10, 2012 at 3:49 pm

"Don't like her?! What's wrong with her? She's beautiful, she's rich, she's got huge… tracts of land."

Chichikovovich May 10, 2012 at 4:25 pm

But I want to sing!

UnholyMoses May 10, 2012 at 9:14 pm

Nononono … stop. Stop that!

Whatever May 10, 2012 at 6:52 pm

Actually, you know… if she "sucked" more maybe she wouldn't have them there rug rats.

Eve8Apples May 10, 2012 at 3:47 pm

"Sometimes dads should lead their family in the right ways of thinking."

Levi responds, "True that bitch! My right ways of thinking says you should bring me a beer and suck my dick."

PlanetWingNut May 10, 2012 at 4:36 pm

…why did that turn me on so????

YouBetcha May 10, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Now if she had just listened to Levi with that instruction, she might not have gotten herself into her little predicament. Come on girls, FOLLOW THROUGH. You have to have some follow through.

OkieDokieDog May 10, 2012 at 3:47 pm

I though Bristol's ghost writer was a lesbian? Oh well, maybe a member of GOPROUD or Log Cabin self-loathers.

BaldarTFlagass May 10, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Every time this stupid twat opens her piehole, all I can think of is that character Joy in My Name is Earl.

ChessieNefercat May 10, 2012 at 7:35 pm

Joy was Madame Curie, Hillary Clinton, and Dr. Jill Biden all put together compared to Little Miss Twatwafflette.

I wonder if her ghostwriter shows her the Pictionary version of her dumbass posts, or if Bristol is surprised every time to see what she "said" or "wrote."

tessiee May 10, 2012 at 11:13 pm

Nah.
Joy was pretty.

PlanetWingNut May 11, 2012 at 4:58 pm

and Joy had a man be a father to her kids.

Baconzgood May 10, 2012 at 3:48 pm

GO AND DRINK A WINE COOLER AND GET KNOCKED UP!

meatlofer May 10, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Father,Babies Daddy,Brother,son, Uncle,FUCK Bristol! It's all a house of Cards ,anyway!

Blueb4sunrise May 10, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Meghan disagrees, beeaaaaaaatch.

For those of us who support gay marriage in America and believe it to be a civil rights issue rather than a political issue, not as much progress has just been made as it may seem.

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2012/05/10/

Generation[redacted] May 10, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Also, Megs didn't get knocked up as a teenager, so +1 for good decision-making.

Chet Kincaid May 10, 2012 at 5:09 pm

That we know of. Rich people can cover that shit up, even if it becomes illegal for The Little People.

SolitaireRose May 11, 2012 at 3:35 am

Let's remember that to REAL Publicans, she's a traitor of some kind for saying something reasonable once. And her dad's a liberal.

Mahousu May 10, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Bristol is right about one thing – Sarah Palin's problems have absolutely nothing to do with her listening too much to Todd.

timbo71351 May 10, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Seriously, who gives a rusty fuck what this dumb snowbilly thinks? If not for John McCain, she would be getting ready for her shift at the Wasilla Hooters.
Fuck you, John McCain.

FNMA May 10, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Hooters? Don't they have a Scores in Wasilla?

actor212 May 10, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Yes, and she's called Bristol Palin….

Chet Kincaid May 10, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Tilted Parka® Gunshop & Eatery

nonbeliever7 May 10, 2012 at 4:45 pm

No, thank you John McCain for the best comedic material we've had for a long time.

Slightly O/T, but I hope you are all catching Julia Louis-Dreyfus do a great liberal version of snowbilly on Veep. Some of you do own TV's, right?

Fare la Volpe May 10, 2012 at 5:27 pm

I didn't make enough money this year to pay taxes – what makes you think I can afford HBO?

Please tell me Julia is awesome. I've wanted to watch Veep soooooo bad for soooo long.

SolitaireRose May 11, 2012 at 3:37 am

Oh, she's not pretty enough for that. She'd be working at one of her dad's hardware stores in Dillingham, hitting on the assistant manager so that she could get Saturday night off to watch the UFC with her baby daddy.

tihond May 10, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Bristol is right. No lawmaker should be exposed to pop culture. Just look what happened to David Vitter after he watched "Look Who's Talking."

Mumbletypeg May 10, 2012 at 3:52 pm

it’s a heroic act if the President made a massive change in a policy position that could affect the entire nation after consulting with his teenage daughters

Yeah!! — Couldn't he have surrounded himself with wiser, more experienced advisers toward making such a ***game-changing decision*** affecting everyone? Oh, wait.

radio-of-owls May 10, 2012 at 9:06 pm

So you're saying [sic] shes' angry that Barry didn't consult [sic] their [sick] mother, the Queen of All Grifters?

George Spelvin May 11, 2012 at 3:06 am

I assume the reference is to the alleged Palin "family council" that told Sarah-poo to go 'head and run for VP.

Serolf_Divad May 10, 2012 at 3:52 pm

God bless you, Bristol, for continually reminding America what a pathetic, hypocrytical joke the Right is on this issue.

Baconzgood May 10, 2012 at 3:52 pm

You know I think we have to give the lovely, talented, and humorous Kirsten Boyd Johnson a pat on the back for what she does for us. Think about it, she has to read this shit so we don't have to in order to lambast it.

KBoydJohnson May 10, 2012 at 4:05 pm

I love when you butter me up.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 10, 2012 at 4:56 pm

I butter you up alla time, and you never talk that nice to ME!

Now I has a sad.

Fare la Volpe May 10, 2012 at 5:32 pm

Maybe if you used fresh creamery butter instead of just margarine she'd like you better.

Chet Kincaid May 10, 2012 at 5:56 pm

Yeah, Wonkette ladies hate it when you're Oleaginous!

Steverino247 May 10, 2012 at 4:05 pm

She's already buying the beer tonight, dude. No need to butter her up some more.

BigSkullF*ckingDog May 10, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Well said. I was gonna post and complain about why we have to read about this dumb bitch. But then I felt bad for poor Kirsten who has to WRITE about this dumb bitch. So I STFU instead.

HistoriCat May 10, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Here Baconz – something to wipe off whatever that is off your nose.

Baconzgood May 10, 2012 at 4:56 pm

I did it for the gratuitous up fists.

Besides we have to show our over lords some props from time to time or else they will be like Ken and write stuff that makes us weep in a closet.

HistoriCat May 10, 2012 at 5:38 pm

And now you've been upfisted again! You're welcome.

Baconzgood May 10, 2012 at 6:02 pm

*rubs HistoriCat's belly*

Such a good stinky butt kitty.

MissTaken May 10, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Sometimes dads should lead their family in the right ways of thinking.

Damn skippy, my Dad made sure I knew what and how to use birth control. Thanks Dad!

Baconzgood May 10, 2012 at 3:54 pm

"Put a raincoat on it"

-Baconz Ma-

(Don't forget the moms out there)

proudgrampa May 10, 2012 at 4:11 pm

"Wrap that rascal!"

-proudgrampa-

(And I am proud of you, Baconz, for not forgetting your ma.)

SorosBot May 10, 2012 at 3:59 pm

But you didn't have a cute babby at sixteen thanks to dad!

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 10, 2012 at 4:10 pm

And just think of the money you could have made on DWTS and grifting Republicans if your Dad hadn't done that.

tessiee May 10, 2012 at 11:18 pm

Ewwwww!

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 10, 2012 at 4:56 pm

I'm not sure how to take this, dear, but here's a hug.

raygotaway May 10, 2012 at 3:52 pm

So is she saying Sasha and Malia should get knocked up at sixteen like her daddy let her get then pimp their kids out to reality tv then not let the daddy see them? Cause I'm
confused about the daddy part of the ghostwritten bullshit?

elburritodeluxe May 10, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Tell you what, kid. You don't give US advice on how to raise children properly and we won't give YOU advice on how to get drunk and pregnant in high school.

gullywompr May 10, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Your mom lost, babe. Get over it.

Crank_Tango May 10, 2012 at 3:56 pm

I thought Bristle caught the ghey from dancing with the famous? She pray it away or something?

OneYieldRegular May 10, 2012 at 5:38 pm

She's displaying one monumental amount of ingratitude towards all the gay people undoubtedly involved in helping get that dancing gorilla on stage.

niblick77 May 10, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Bristol, what does your husband say? Oh, never mind, I assumed that since you had a child that…………..blah, blah, blah!

Goonemeritus May 10, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Would it make her more comfortable to look at it as “Trial Gay Marriage”?

SorosBot May 10, 2012 at 3:58 pm

"In this case, it would’ve been nice if the President would’ve been an actual leader and helped shape their thoughts"

So Bristol thinks that not teaching your kids to be narrow-minded hateful bigots is somehow bad parenting?

sullivanst May 10, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Because we all know that "actual" leaders help shape the thoughts only of their enlightened children, not the ignorant populace at large.

MadBrahms May 10, 2012 at 3:58 pm

"…thousands of years of thinking about marriage."

No. But who needs book learnin' and brain thinkin' when you can get money for popping out kids and telling other people not to?

iburl May 10, 2012 at 5:53 pm

Thinkin? You ain't drinkin' (wine coolers.)

Ben Cisco May 10, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Nope, No Irony There At All – My Ready Room

Wonkette is one of my go-to places for high-quality snark, and they don’t disappoint here. As for LaPalinette, one usually has to pull up some old Python episodes to see something that absurd.

Fukui-sanYesRadio May 10, 2012 at 4:05 pm

FOUL! Blogwhoring. Five minute timeout.

Ben Cisco May 10, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Ouch! No harm meant.

BaldarTFlagass May 10, 2012 at 4:32 pm

You're new around here, stranger, so we'll only angrily glare at you for a moment or two.

Not_So_Much May 10, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Can someone please stop her orifices from making so much noise?

ChessieNefercat May 10, 2012 at 7:39 pm

Any of 'em, all of 'em? Although I'm sure that is one of the things that made her the Belle of Wasilly!

DaRooster May 10, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Well, hopefully the girls don't watch that "Dancing With The Stars" crap… man have you seen the friggin' idjits on that piece of turd.

rickmaci May 10, 2012 at 4:02 pm

"…we know that in general kids do better growing up in a mother/father home.”

Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Damn, laughing so hard I blew the coffee I was sipping as I read that out my nose.

SayItWithWookies May 10, 2012 at 4:03 pm

And to follow up, Francesco Schettino will be offering President Obama navigation lessons.

Negropolis May 11, 2012 at 2:18 am

wIN

randcoolcatdaddy May 10, 2012 at 4:04 pm

"So let me get this straight – it’s a problem if my mom listened too much to my dad, but it’s a heroic act if the President made a massive change in a policy position that could affect the entire nation after consulting with his teenage daughters?"

Actually, it would be a heroic act for anyone to listen to your mother. Now, please, go off in a corner somewhere and make busy doing something actually constructive.

sullivanst May 10, 2012 at 4:05 pm

that’s not a reason to change thousands of years of thinking about marriage.

No, but wanting to shack up with your latest is beau is a reason to change thousands of years of thinking about marriage, such as by inventing the notion that you can have a 30-day risk-free* trial.

* Trial is not risk free. Number of babies conceived may go up as well as up. Invest at your own risk.

Chet Kincaid May 10, 2012 at 4:35 pm

She denied it in her ghost-written blog, said the Enquirer made it up.

sullivanst May 10, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Perhaps John Edwards will console her.

BTWBFDIMHO May 10, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Are we losing the War on the Clitoratti?

glamourdammerung May 10, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Was Bristol smirking when she was trying to chide President Obama for somehow being a bad parent?

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 10, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Bristol doesn't understand gay marriage because, if you don't get knocked up, why would you ever get married?

Steverino247 May 10, 2012 at 4:11 pm

"Sometimes dads should lead their family in the right ways of thinking."

Sometimes? Like when he's sober or after he gets back from getting ahand job at the local Steam and Cream?

"In this case, it would’ve been nice if the President would’ve been an actual leader and helped shape their thoughts instead of merely reflecting what many teenagers think after one too many episodes of Glee."

Teenagers think? They act and react, mostly. The teenagers who can think usually don't forget the birth control multiple times.

One of the President's daughters plays the flute. You suck them, Bristol. Now, go away!

Eve8Apples May 10, 2012 at 4:13 pm

"In this case, it would’ve been nice if the President would’ve been an actual leader and helped shape their thoughts instead of merely reflecting what many teenagers think after one too many episodes of Glee."

Bristol — Since you are the United States' preeminent scholar on the topic of proper parental role models, I have a couple of questions for you.

Which of your brilliant parents influenced your thought that it was a good idea to go camping with that idiot from Wasilla, get drunk on wine coolers and fuck him without using contraception?

Mamma Grizzly likes to preach the virtues of abstinence only sex education. — Maybe she has watched too many episodes of The Waltons — Anyway, how is that working out for you?

LiberalMantra May 10, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Here's the story,
Of an ignorant snow bunny,
Who was bringing up three very airheaded girls.
All of them had bad grammar
Like their mother,
The youngest one in words.

Here's the story,
Of a man named Todd
Who was busy with secession plans of his own.
They never thought it was really odd,
seeing Russia from their porch, but they were all alone.

Till the one day when the lady met this fellow,
and Alaska lost it's lunch.
That this group,
Must somehow pretend to be a family.
That's the way we all became the Wasillia Bunch,
The Wasillia Bunch, the Wasillia Bunch
That's the way we became the Wasillia Bunch.

mormos May 10, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Obama has ruined marriage for a lot of people, because your spouse will never be as awesome as Barack/Michelle.

proudgrampa May 10, 2012 at 5:53 pm

Well, speak for yourself, buddy! Mrs. proudgrampa and I would disagree with you there!!!

But I do agree that they are definitely a couple in love. Cool!

proudgrampa May 10, 2012 at 4:15 pm

You know, Kirsten, giving Bristol all these column-inches in Wonkette just encourages her.

Just sayin'.

Chet Kincaid May 10, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Who will bravely step forward with a literate and witty retort vis-a-vis "giving Bristol inches"? Baconz?

proudgrampa May 10, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Zing!

hagajim May 10, 2012 at 4:22 pm

we know that in general kids do better growing up in a mother/father home No "we" fucking don't you stupid twunt! What "we" know is that children usually do better in a two-parent household, doesn't fucking matter what gender the fucking parents are. Christ!

finallyhappy May 10, 2012 at 5:32 pm

So is Christ involved in this somehow? Because we're Jewish and I think our kids are ok.

Fare la Volpe May 10, 2012 at 5:43 pm

So long as you're white, then you're gold!

Chet Kincaid May 10, 2012 at 5:52 pm

"(Shaking cane) In my day, Jews were at best off-white!!"

hagajim May 10, 2012 at 6:01 pm

In this case the term Christ was only to show my utter disgust for this idiot who somehow feels she is entitled to comment on something she obviously knows nothing the fuck at all about, so your Jewish families are all dandy by me.

finallyhappy May 10, 2012 at 6:08 pm

I was just kidding- I know Christ was an expletive here. And my kids are ok but compared to bigmouth Bristol- they are Einstein and Ghandi

JustPixelz May 10, 2012 at 4:27 pm

"Sometimes dads should lead their family in the right ways of thinking."

Yeah … how's that workin' out for ya?

Guppy May 10, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Unlike Malia and Sasha, Bristol's dad wants to overthrow the US government. So, yeah, people would be concerned with her mother sharing a bed with a traitor.

Redhead May 10, 2012 at 4:34 pm

"Or that – as great as her [sic] friends may be – we know that in general kids do better growing up in a mother/father home."

So how's that mother/father-homey-thing working for YOUR kid, Bristol? Or does it count if you live with grandma and granddad and they pay all the bills?

valthemus May 10, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Only graphic designers over the age of 35 will laugh when I say I'm Bristol bored.

HarryButtle May 10, 2012 at 6:59 pm

I GET IT!

-Harry Buttle, unemployed 46 year-old paste-up artist

ChessieNefercat May 10, 2012 at 7:43 pm

And every parent that was ever told (the night before) that they had to come up with the mysterious "Bristol Board" for the science fair project and ended up taping shirt cardboards together and making the display that sagged over right into the baking powder/vinegar volcano and made all the other moms and dads laugh.

tessiee May 10, 2012 at 11:35 pm

You were a Fine Arts major, and you actually got a job as a graphic designer?
I'm too shocked to laugh.

FakaktaSouth May 10, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Yeah, those kids are watching WAY too much of a show that makes people see EVERYONE has feelings and value and hey, we're not all that different. WHY would anyone let their kids have any exposure to that, when they should be in the woods making babies over wine coolers?

MY problem with Glee is that they spend more GD show-tunes money on one performance than ANY public school district has in their entire budget. That show is "set" in Ohio.

Chet Kincaid May 10, 2012 at 4:43 pm

You can't even say the word "Arts" in public schools in Ohio!!

FakaktaSouth May 10, 2012 at 5:00 pm

Dude, I was at a Kindergarten orientation today (Kid 3, gettin' up and out! WOO, now I REALLY won't do shit all day) and the principal was BRAGGING about how we have art AND music AND 5 days of PE. And we were all, yes, yes, very nice, very lucky we are…

Chet Kincaid May 10, 2012 at 5:07 pm

No Physics? No Advanced Calculus? Do you want the kid to be in the 99%?!

HistoriCat May 10, 2012 at 5:27 pm

Trust me – Physics and Advanced Calculus is NOT going to get you out of the 99%.

SorosBot May 10, 2012 at 6:26 pm

No Theoretical Phys Ed?

GOPCrusher May 10, 2012 at 5:06 pm

I have to admit, I've never watched Glee. But I do know that Brisket is full of shit.

FakaktaSouth May 10, 2012 at 5:32 pm

I don't watch it that much myself, my alllmost 13yo LURVES it and it has taught my kid what it's like to have a crush on a gay guy who will never love her back the same way, because he's on tv, and gay in real life. But now she looooooves a gay guy, a fat girl, a black girl, a poor kid and a wheel chair kid – and sorry but even my Canadian show from nickelodeon – "you can't do that on television" didn't have all that and IT DOES normalize and then ELEVATE (they can all sing like crazy) these folks who are not society's idea of perfect. I know it's still crap too, but it ain't Mtv's Sweet Sixteen (gimme my car! or whatever terrible thing made BobCat Goldtwaith shoot that girl in that movie)

Billmatic May 10, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Well at least we can all agree that Glee is ruining the country.

iburl May 10, 2012 at 5:55 pm

At least ruining music, for sure.

SorosBot May 10, 2012 at 6:28 pm

But it lead to the revival of Journey!

iburl May 10, 2012 at 9:17 pm

Like I said…

poorgradstudent May 10, 2012 at 6:31 pm

I'm still banking that the series finale will have Sue go all SAW on the rest on the cast.

Generation[redacted] May 10, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Her writing style gives me a sad.

barto May 10, 2012 at 5:05 pm

It would be super nice if Bristol would just, you know, STFU when it comes to marriage and child-rearing (and just 'bout any other subject, also too).

calliecallie May 10, 2012 at 5:07 pm

This makes me a little sad, really, that John McCain didn't win in 2008 and die of a suspicious ailment shortly thereafter. Then we could have had the Snowbillies as our first fambly and Bristol's pronouncements would get so much more attention.

Wait, what? Why do we care what this woman thinks about anything?

johnnyzhivago May 10, 2012 at 5:10 pm

She would write more, but she's late for her audition with "North Pole Oil Depot Meth Moms" being developed for TLC.

johnnyzhivago May 10, 2012 at 5:11 pm

Bristol Palin has weighed in – I'm still waiting on the Dali Llama and the Pope.

SenileAgitation May 10, 2012 at 5:14 pm

"one too many episodes of Glee"? No Bristol. Either every episode is too many or you cannot have enough episodes. American is becoming a gay paradise, thanks to the Obama children, and we will need all the episodes of Glee we can stomach to understand this new way of life. But thank you for putting your new chin to the task of explaining what a good parent would do! I learned a lot!

SorosBot May 10, 2012 at 5:19 pm

I disagree – every episode of Glee after season 1 has been one too many.

The first season was actually good, though.

Gainsbourg69 May 10, 2012 at 5:27 pm

Bastards!

mavenmaven May 10, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Bristol's rants would have more moral authority if she delivered them while wearing her gorilla outfit from Dancing with the Stars.

Fare la Volpe May 10, 2012 at 5:49 pm

That was an outfit?

OneYieldRegular May 10, 2012 at 5:34 pm

"We know that in general kids do better growing up in a mother/father home."

Yet somehow, even in a "mother/father home," Ms. Palin offers proof positive that it's possible to grow up insular, ignorant, arrogant, dependent, hypocritical, and bigoted, and to accomplish all that before age 25.

finallyhappy May 10, 2012 at 5:41 pm

I have not watched any episodes of Glee. Nate Silver was talking about gay marriage acceptance today on NPR and he did mention Glee and Modern family as factors – I think for younger people. For older people- death removes their homophobic beliefs – not exactly how Nate put it

iburl May 10, 2012 at 5:52 pm

Bristol Palin 1862:
"Blacks are no doubt lovely people, that’s not a reason to change thousands of years of thinking about Slavery"

MarionNYNY May 10, 2012 at 5:58 pm

In Bristol's defense, the post contains words in sentences using standard English grammar. Therefore, she not only couldn't have written it, but probably can't read it.

OldRedneck May 10, 2012 at 6:01 pm

Bristol says a father shapes his kids' world view.

Hmmmm.

Reviewing Todd Palin's kids tells us a lot about Todd.

owhatever May 10, 2012 at 6:01 pm

So, Brisket, when did you become a marriage authority?

finallyhappy May 10, 2012 at 6:09 pm

At the zoo today, I saw a stand called " Brisket Tacos"- I was confused then and more confused now(seems an odd food or too off-color for the zoo)

poorgradstudent May 10, 2012 at 6:23 pm

So when will she be 1) giving up her child for adoption so it can be adopted into a stable one mother/one father situation or 2) marrying Levi?

Smithboy May 10, 2012 at 7:38 pm

The official Palin response to gay marriage is…"Why isn't the president spending every waking hour devoted to starting a war with Iran rather than promoting marriage between people God hates?"

PhillipMarlowe6 May 10, 2012 at 9:06 pm

I need an aspirin.

starfanglednut May 10, 2012 at 9:36 pm

Between your knees?

rocktonsam May 10, 2012 at 9:10 pm

I am praying that Todd and $$$$$arah'$ marrage survive this cuntundrum

tcaalaw May 10, 2012 at 9:21 pm

I'm disappointed at the lack of ice dildo jokes based on the photo for this post. The Wonkettrati are getting soft!

tessiee May 10, 2012 at 11:38 pm

Unlike Levi.

biblioteq_tress May 10, 2012 at 9:32 pm

Well, now we know which of the Palin kids inherited her mom's brains! I mean, brain.

tessiee May 10, 2012 at 11:38 pm

I think the word you're looking for is "brainette".

ChessieNefercat May 11, 2012 at 9:19 am

Neuron, singular?

miss_grundy May 10, 2012 at 9:50 pm

But wasn't it her mommy and daddy that allowed her to have her boyfriend over to spend the night in her room? What were her parents thinking then? She had a trial marriage (engagement) to her baby-daddy, which didn't work out and now, that she's a big girl, she is trying the trial marriage thing again.

I just love it when the Repubs version of logic runs right out and over them. It's so much fun!

Perhaps, the message should be, if you are lucky enough to find someone who loves you as much as you love him/her, then you are a lucky duck. If there was more love in the world, it would be a better place.

OldWiseWizard May 10, 2012 at 9:55 pm

Not that I'm bursting with respect for Bristol Palin, but I'd really hope that article was ghostwritten for her by some 84 year old dimwit who hasn't felt a tingle in his crotch since he threw coffee at Freedom Riders in the 60s. I'd like to think that sort of limply paternalistic talk could only come out of the mind of a bitter old dipshit attempting to write the dialogue for a young girl, Jack Chick style.

tessiee May 10, 2012 at 11:39 pm

"I'd like to think that sort of limply paternalistic talk could only come out of the mind of a bitter old dipshit"

You'd think, but Paul Harvey's dead.

ChessieNefercat May 11, 2012 at 9:28 am

Her ghostwriter is some right wing hack named Nancy French, who recently prattled away about herself on Bristol's blog as follows:

"Are my husband and I Republicans? Yes. And we also love our little black child. I’m learning, for example, how to braid hair with colorful beads, I’m learning which colors look good against her chocolate colored skin tone, and I’ll teach her about her country of origin right after she learns her ABCs."

"We love our little black child"? WTF? Not "we love our daughter"? The whole story was appalling and much the same victim-y fact free style as the current article on Brancy's blog.

OldWiseWizard May 11, 2012 at 11:23 am

Oh Lordy..thanks for the intel even though it did melt my brain a little. you half expect her to say "We compliment her on a frequent basis as not to stir up her angry jungle blood."

ChessieNefercat May 11, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Not to melt your brain even more, but apparently this was in response to an article somewhere else wherein French was criticized for dressing her "little black child" in a shirt that said "I only cry when Democrats hold me." This of course was instantly transformed into "How dare you liberals pick on a little girl. Why, we love our little black child blah blah blah."

And this horrid creature is of course best buds with the repellent Palins. Oh, and she ghostwrote Bristol's "book" (My Life as a Whore or whatever it was called).

tessiee May 10, 2012 at 10:50 pm

Less polite version:

Bristol, shut up. Just shut up.
You're a white trash skank with a brain the size of a pea. Nobody cares what you think about gay marriage or anything else; and when you open your big, ignorant mouth, you just remind everybody that you couldn't force your baby daddy to marry *you*, despite the fact that his family is, unbelievably, even worse than yours.

PS. You're also fat.

tessiee May 10, 2012 at 10:52 pm

Polite version:

Bristol, honey, sit down and be quiet.
The Grownups are talking about something.

Negropolis May 11, 2012 at 1:59 am

Bristol, fuck you. Really, just fuck you. She is the very last person that should be talking about marriage as if it were a sacrament…so, of course, she's the one that has a whole lot of shit to say.

Go away. Too bad your parents are trash. You've got two of 'em, a mommy and a daddy, and neither of them is worth a single shit. Sorry. Yeah, I'm being pesonal, but I haven't been this personally annoyed by a nobody in a very long time. Honestly, who the hell does she think she is?

DahBoner May 11, 2012 at 9:32 am

So let me get this straight…

Oh, she's got something straight between her and her babydaddy before…

Jus_Wonderin May 11, 2012 at 10:16 am

What a fuckin' cunt!

mrsmacawber May 11, 2012 at 10:47 am

She offered her honor
He honored her offer
and all night long (in the tent)
It was honor offer honor offer

Thedongsofwar May 11, 2012 at 11:32 am

"Sometimes a dad needs to impregnate his girlfriend on a hunting trip, get engaged for publicity, break it off, get reengaged for more publicity, record a terrible R&B music video with a senior citizen, run for mayor, move to LA to shoot, a reality tv show, and then write a tell-all book about the gross details of the lives of an increasingly loathsome family

Besides, what would Sasha and Malia know? They're not moms".

ttommyunger May 11, 2012 at 1:42 pm

So what? Who could possibly pay any attention to what this dumb twat thinks about ANYTHING? Oh, the Wonkette? Hmmmm.

Rowdy5000 May 14, 2012 at 3:48 pm

What about the moral injustice of her enormous head?

BigSkullF*ckingDog May 10, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Ina tub of jello, so they have somewhere soft to land.

Chet Kincaid May 10, 2012 at 4:57 pm

It would be so awful if Brisket twisted Megs' arm and pressed her firmly into a foggy glass shower door!

Lascauxcaveman May 10, 2012 at 5:06 pm

I've always wondered how they manage to shoot those kind of scenes without the shower door popping open…

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 11, 2012 at 2:07 am

Uhhh … brb

Nostrildamus May 10, 2012 at 5:08 pm

If they really need to wail on each other, we could give them each a large cucumber.

Just so they don't hurt themselves, you know.

Chet Kincaid May 10, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Sometimes I suspect porn, like crime scene investigation shows, might not be very realistic.

Chet Kincaid May 10, 2012 at 5:58 pm

Yep, you're prolly right.

No Intro to Business Adminstration?! No Basics of Creative Finance?!

Fare la Volpe May 10, 2012 at 6:16 pm

No Pink Slips 207?!

UW8316154 May 10, 2012 at 11:50 pm

Whaaa????

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