ISSUES OF SIGNIFICANCE  11:20 am May 10, 2012

House Armed Services Committee Busy Debating Whether Old Testament Is Or Is Not In The Bible

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Stop worryingOh, gays, why are you forcing all these legislators to waste time attacking you when there are issues of significance to attend to? Latest? Oh, just the House Armed Services Committee taking time out of its important work of mandating $5 billion for a missile defense system on the East Coast that the Pentagon says it does not want, in order to do the more important work of making sure all you filthy Don’t Ask Don’t Tellers can’t have “marriage-like ceremonies” on military bases, and that military chaplains can scream and thunder at your abominationable ways. Which brings us, of course, to the Bible. What is in it? Most people would say “The Old Testament and the New Testament.” (Some people would natter on for a while about the Gnostic Gospels or whatever.) But that is not what some dude from Georgia thinks!

In an odd exchange, Rep. Loretta Sanchez, D-Calif., questioned what would happen if a service member literally interpreted the Old Testament’s Leviticus, which considers homosexuality an abomination. Rep. Austin Scott, R-Ga., disputed her contention that was part of the Bible, saying it was the Old Testament.

All righty then, that is that! So now let us move on to the less important matter of this missile defense site on the East Coast!

Since the mid-1980s, the Pentagon has spent nearly $150 billion on missile defense programs and envisions another $44 billion over the next five years. But it is not looking to construct a facility on the East Coast.

Gen. Charles Jacoby, the head of U.S. Northern Command and North American Aerospace Defense Command, told Congress earlier this year, “Today’s threats do not require an East Coast missile field, and we do not have plans to do so.”

[...]

Lt. Gen. Patrick J. O’Reilly, the head of the U.S. missile defense program, told Congress recently that North Korea lacks the testing for a capable system and has made little progress in its spaceflight program.

Nevertheless, the committee envisions construction of the site by the end of 2015, with the Pentagon deciding on a possible location. The bill includes $100 million to study three potential sites.

$100 million for site-study! That is almost three times as much as planning for that stupid and terrible GSA retreat! We hope they will at least comp some tickets to see Cher. [AP]

 
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{ 157 comments }

Doktor StrangeZoom May 10, 2012 at 11:22 am

I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed…

Barb May 10, 2012 at 11:27 am

Lotta good that would do. Vidal Sassoon died yesterday. I told him to get that coif checked out. They never listen.

Doktor StrangeZoom May 10, 2012 at 11:29 am

Hair today, gone tomorrow.

Barb May 10, 2012 at 11:30 am

Crap, I should have tweeted that yesterday instead of the coif thing. Now you tell me!

Doktor StrangeZoom May 10, 2012 at 11:35 am

There's also the hair salon in The Simpsons: "Turn Your Head and Coif"

In my grad-skool folklore class I wrote a paper about how blonde jokes could be seen as a response to the decreasing social acceptability of overtly racist and sexist humor–by making blondes the butt of humor, sexist stereotypes could still be used, but the jokes are directed at a group seen as both high-status (white and beautiful) and mockable (the bubblehead stereotype). I was rather proud of my title: "The Dark Roots of Blonde Jokes"

LettucePrey May 10, 2012 at 11:23 am

"And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother." – Genesis 38:9

Hey, the Old Testament is cool and stuff.

Doktor StrangeZoom May 10, 2012 at 11:27 am

And, of course, the old Dorothy Parker joke: She said she named her parakeet Onan, because he spilled his seed upon the ground.

Mapmonger May 10, 2012 at 11:49 am

And now I want a parakeet.

proudgrampa May 10, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Wasn't she amazing?

My favorite, to this day, is the one about "horticulture," if you know what I mean.

BaldarTFlagass May 10, 2012 at 11:32 am

I just spill my seed into an old gym sock.

Fare la Volpe May 10, 2012 at 11:38 am

lest that he should give seed to his brother

Mama Onan: "You damn boys – always fighting over everything. 'Mom! Onan won't share his seed!' You two will be the death of me, I swear."

SorosBot May 10, 2012 at 11:45 am

"And the older daughter said to her sister, Our father is old, and there is no man to be a husband to us in the natural way: Come, let us give our father much wine, and we will go into his bed, so that we may have offspring by our father"

That Old Testament is some fucked up sex shit.

actor212 May 10, 2012 at 11:49 am

The story of Lot in Sodom ought to cinch that argument. Here's a guy, opens his home to some travelers visiting the town. The local men find out about it and want to gay rape the dudes, but Lot offers his daughters instead.

Now, THAT'S parenting! Makes Octomom look like the Virgin Mary

WhatTheHeck May 10, 2012 at 11:59 am

Now that’s entertainment. Family fucking values.

Generation[redacted] May 10, 2012 at 12:09 pm

"And lo, did the pizza guy ring, and then cometh the plumber to fix thy pipes." -Ron Jeremy 6:9

BaldarTFlagass May 10, 2012 at 12:11 pm

"Lord. You can imagine where it goes from here."

"He fixes the cable?"

LettucePrey May 10, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Don't be fatuous, Baldar.

Arken May 10, 2012 at 11:23 am

Good thing she didn't ask about the Book of Mormon.

nounverb911 May 10, 2012 at 11:24 am

"Whether Old Testament Is Or Is Not In The Bible"
Just the part where Jeebus rode the space dinosaur in the war with the Romulans.

Barb May 10, 2012 at 11:24 am

"We hope they will at least comp some tickets to see Cher."

She'll point out all of the "Half Breeds" and then we can deport them.

Good luck getting that tune stuck out of your head today, bitches!

Jus_Wonderin May 10, 2012 at 11:43 am

"If we could turn back time…………….."

actor212 May 10, 2012 at 11:45 am

Don't worry, Barb!

Be happy…

chicken_thief May 10, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Maybe my workout at the Y-M-C-A will help purge the thought…

SorosBot May 10, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Considering that that song was just at the center of a big copyright suit that's helped define the new rules under which writers can reclaim rights to their songs, that's timely:
http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/thr-esq/village-

johnnymeatworth May 10, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Maybe she'll sing "Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves," and dedicate it to the Republican members of Congress. HEYOOOOOOOO!

calliecallie May 10, 2012 at 12:30 pm

They say our love won't pay the rent. Before it's earned our money's always spent. I guess that's true we don't have a lot (of missile defense stations), but at least I'm sure of all that we've got.

Babe…(sing it!)…I got you, babe.

HogeyeGrex May 10, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Sorry. No dice.

I've got "Apache" stuck in there and it ain't movin'.

fuflans May 10, 2012 at 11:35 pm

apparently natalie merchant is a perfect antidote.

swear to god, can't think of any of my favorite crap pop songs…

DaRooster May 10, 2012 at 11:25 am

"We need studies!! De-fund food, healthcare and lady issues!"

lefty74 May 10, 2012 at 11:26 am

It don't matter about the book of lies. Those bastards are not going to go through life without blowing the shit outa something. Their life requires death for others.

V572 Is this him? May 10, 2012 at 11:37 am

You're missing the point. There's money to be made here. Missiles that don't work and never will be fired anyway are a great investment. After all, the Soviet Union fell because they feared our missiles, right?

actor212 May 10, 2012 at 11:41 am

Their expectations were rather high in that regard. Imagine if we had fired one and it failed to eject its payload? Or even reach apogee and flopped back to earth?

And we're an older nation now, which means it takes more time to reach maximum thrust.

V572 Is this him? May 10, 2012 at 11:49 am

Ha ha, taxpayer $$$ = ballistic missile Viagra. If your re-entry lasts more than 4 hours, call Raytheon immediately.

SayItWithWookies May 10, 2012 at 11:26 am

Rep. Austin Scott, R-Ga., disputed her contention that was part of the Bible, saying it was the Old Testament.

If there was one thing you'd expect a Georgia Republican to know something about — besides which of his ewes was the best lay, that is — it would be that sprawling papyrus epic and its legacy of incest, fratricide, angel rape and betrayal. But then that would involve literacy, so you'd be wrong.

actor212 May 10, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Now hang on a moment!

If the OT is not part of the Bible, then where is homosexuality banned? Where is abortion banned? I mean, fine, you know, ol' King David knocked up Uriah's wife while he was in battle so he had him killed in the next battle, technically he committed adultery and so the OT was fine with adultery (despite the Commandments) and Jesus was not, so I can see a logical consistency there, but come ON! You can't have it both ways.

Either I'm free to marry a man or I'm free to fuck your wife and have you killed. Which is it?

GuyClinch May 10, 2012 at 12:12 pm

You suffer from a failure of imagination. You can do both!

HogeyeGrex May 10, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Especially if your wife is a man.

HistoriCat May 10, 2012 at 12:34 pm

You can't have it both ways.

You will never be a successful Republican with that kind of attitude.

SayItWithWookies May 10, 2012 at 12:36 pm

That bullying fabricating homophobe Saul of Tarsus said it was wrong in several passages of the NT, and since he's the actual founder of the Christian religion, it's apparently off-limits. But if my suspicions are correct there was also a secret Saulian exception so he could diddle the altar boys.

MosesInvests May 11, 2012 at 1:10 am

Abortion *isn't* banned in the Bible. As for King David and Batsheva, II Samuel calls that adultery in no uncertain terms. Of course, ya can't be too harsh on the king, unless you want to heat your house by burning your own books, so….

smashaduck May 10, 2012 at 11:26 am

Also in the Old Testament: Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones. Psalm 137:9 Interpret that however you want. Enjoy.

anniegetyerfun May 10, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Oooh! That's one I hadn't heard before! I'm assuming that this is happy person is the one who spent 15 minutes in line behind a couple of shrieking toddlers at Target yesterday?

I'm not saying I'd dash a kid against a rock, but I would have paid good money to smack both these little fuckers across their fat asses.

chicken_thief May 10, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Personally, I think that's a direct order from the high heavens for every woman to rub her lib minor against my nads. Or possibly her facial lips?! I'll go with either.

calliecallie May 10, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Pedophilia, also.

HistoriCat May 10, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Heh – I did a little online searching to get some more information on that one. There's some very nifty dodging and twisting as the bible folks try to wriggle out from this unabashed glorification of the killing of children. "Oh yeah, well how do you decide what is moral, huh? It's moral because it's in the bible – so shut up!"

SexySmurf May 10, 2012 at 11:27 am

At least he didn't refer to it as "the Jew-y part."

KennyFuckingPowers May 10, 2012 at 11:27 am

What the fuck are they good for now that they fired Ted Nugent? Needs more pillars of salt!

nounverb911 May 10, 2012 at 11:29 am

Didn't Mayor Bloomberg already ban salt?

SorosBot May 10, 2012 at 11:27 am

"Since the mid-1980s, the Pentagon has spent nearly $150 billion on missile defense programs and envisions another $44 billion over the next five years. "

But spending a few million on PBS and anything that helps poor people is a waste of money!

Fare la Volpe May 10, 2012 at 11:40 am

What even is a missile defense program? A missile that can shoot another missile? How's about we spend none of that money and use it to stop pissing off every other country on earth?

vodkamuppet May 10, 2012 at 11:54 am

But blowing things up looks really cool. Haven't you ever seen a Micheal Bay movie?

SorosBot May 10, 2012 at 11:58 am

Well we need to be prepared to defend against all the countries threatening to shoot missiles at us, like – um, like who again?

vodkamuppet May 10, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Dont forget Poland, you forgot Poland!

actor212 May 10, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Antigua has this big rubber band stretched across the island aimed right for us. They're working on the Paper Clip technology as we speak.

UnholyMoses May 10, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Russchinorea.

Or, um, something.

Generation[redacted] May 10, 2012 at 12:21 pm

A fortune for defense, not one penny for tribute not being a bunch of selfish pricks.

Generation[redacted] May 10, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Spending money on PBS just gives reporters an outlet to broadcast how much we spend on missile defense.

EatsBabyDingos May 10, 2012 at 11:27 am

They can build it at my house for only $57,000,000.21. The $0.21 shows I am serious.

Jus_Wonderin May 10, 2012 at 11:44 am

$57,000,000.22. Bidding war!! Because, why should the Gov pay less, when it can pay more!!

not that Dewey May 10, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Why build one, when you can build two at twice the price!

Jus_Wonderin May 10, 2012 at 12:33 pm

You are right. That said, I tend to go for the 18 pack. Esp if it is Ice Cold War!!!

BaldarTFlagass May 10, 2012 at 11:28 am

"Most people would say “The Old Testament and the New Testament.”"

In my Bible, the chapters have titles like "Milo Minderbinder," "Major Major Major Major," "Yossarian," and "Lieutenant Scheisskopf." Of course, I've been in and around the military for about 75% of my 52 years, so my Bible is probably not like that of most others.

nounverb911 May 10, 2012 at 11:31 am
metamarcisf May 10, 2012 at 11:34 am

I see everything twice.

WunkRocker May 10, 2012 at 11:49 am

Cotton. Candy. Also.

James Michael Curley May 10, 2012 at 12:04 pm

In Vietnam our flight suits had the usual pocket on the top of the thigh to store and have easy access to maps. That's where I kept my copy of Catch-22.

sullivanst May 10, 2012 at 12:12 pm

That's some Bible!

commiegirl May 10, 2012 at 1:13 pm

What's good for Milo Minderbinder is good for the country!

MosesInvests May 11, 2012 at 1:12 am

And everyone gets a share!

Steverino247 May 10, 2012 at 1:21 pm

We had a "Major Major" in my Air Cav unit in Korea. Whenever you wanted to see him, the First Sergeant said he was flying. I made a bet with the other guys that not only could I see Major Major, I could provide photographic evidence of it. The bets were quickly taken because no one thought it was possible. So, I selected Major Major as my Re-enlistment Officer. Not only did I speak with him, but I was photographed with him as part of the ceremony and the First Sergeant posted the photograph on the Troop Bulletin Board for all to see.

Didn't have to buy a drink the rest of my time in country, although some claimed that the price I paid (re-enlistment) was too great a sacrifice to win a simple bet.

BaldarTFlagass May 10, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Well, I hope for continuity's sake that your Major Major never made LTC either…

Steverino247 May 10, 2012 at 2:12 pm

If he didn't, he's probably flying some weather report chopper over L.A. or something. Man, that guy loved to fly.

I told him about the bets and why I selected him as we were signing the paperwork. He just grinned that much more broadly. "I'll take that as an admission of guilt, sir."

GeorgiaBurning May 10, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Don't worry, it's because of all that gentian violet they put on your toes and gums

MosesInvests May 11, 2012 at 1:13 am

Ou sont les niegons d'antan?

John Birf Society May 10, 2012 at 11:29 am

Did Walnuts get to say "Today we are all Georgians"?

JustPixelz May 10, 2012 at 11:30 am

The so-called Old Testament is where the Ten Commandments are written. I guess this means those don't count anymore either. WOO HOO! Time for some adultery and some coveting.

If the Bible is instructing the Armed Services Committee on policy, they should pay more attention to the "Thou shalt not kill" part.

Boojum May 10, 2012 at 11:48 am

That was more like a guideline.

Generation[redacted] May 10, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Ask any wingnut, it's a misinterpretation. The literal translation is "Thou shalt not kill unlesseth thou haveth a good reason. Not a pussy cop-out like 'he slept with my wife and shot my dog' I'm talking a really good reason like 'that guy's just a real asshole.' And killing for thy country or in My Name is okay in any case."

edgydrifter May 10, 2012 at 11:30 am

That's a lot of money, but then again there are a lot of trees on the East Coast that need to be measured for height correctness. We have to know what to defend.

nounverb911 May 10, 2012 at 11:33 am

Greenwich, CT?

johnnyzhivago May 10, 2012 at 11:31 am

We need to be prepared for an attack from Greenland, Bermuda or the Cayman Islands. These are going to be the Triad of Evil in the next decade.

actor212 May 10, 2012 at 11:43 am

I'll gladly do the espionage on Bermuda. Or the Caymans. I'm torn. Part of me likes to dive shipwrecks and the other likes the tax structure in the Caymans better than Bermuda's.

prommie May 10, 2012 at 11:31 am

We cannot allow a useless and unnecessary misssile defense system gap!

FakaktaSouth May 10, 2012 at 12:14 pm

This is one of those instances where I wish to hell that dems could be more like Rs. If these buttholes could be all dick-baggy and sound-bitey and make 700 hammers now 100million dollar site projects (how expensive is it to look out a car window, take some soil samples and read a map?) things a bad deal THAT EVEN THE PENTAGON IS SAYING NO THANK YOU TO – then maybe these assholes would stop being able to give money to WHOEVER is funneling this up their asses? I do not care for this kind of waste, did I mention?

prommie May 10, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Google BOMARC incident, I was born 10 miles from there, its so great having nuclear missiles in your back yard.

FakaktaSouth May 10, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Hmm. Those are some scary looking missiles. McGuire AFB? Well, I would imagine it would be pretty, um, great did you say? – especially since apparently these are the only ones the AF ever actually deployed. So, nuclear? Like Spiderman or the Hulk? You might could be a super-hero now –

prommie May 10, 2012 at 1:16 pm

My Spidey-sense is tingling! Oh, wait, maybe thats something else . . .

GeorgiaBurning May 10, 2012 at 1:36 pm

You can't call it useless- some guys from Raytheon and Hughes will pick up some good bonuses once the contract is signed.

BaldarTFlagass May 10, 2012 at 11:31 am

It's been said before, but we should really look into a faith-based missile defense shield. Sure would free up some $$$.

Boojum May 10, 2012 at 11:49 am

Yes. We lineup the Xtians at the anticipated ground zero and tell them to pray. Works for me.

prommie May 10, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Isn't the system they have developed exactly that? Faith-based?

johnnyzhivago May 10, 2012 at 11:32 am

The founders never expected that Congress would stray from it's primary mission of lowering taxes for oil companies and keeping steroids out of baseball.

anniegetyerfun May 10, 2012 at 12:06 pm

You know, pump those players full of enough power drugs, and maybe we can just shoot THEM at any incoming missiles. I think we've ben going about this wrong.

Goonemeritus May 10, 2012 at 11:34 am

Good old Missile Defense, why just last month I saw a big fat defense contractor buying steak at Wegmans and then climbing into a Cadillac and driving off.

BaldarTFlagass May 10, 2012 at 11:35 am

Didn't the Republicans just budget $54 billion dollars above and beyond what the Pentagon asked for? They have to spend that money somewhere.

CapeClod May 10, 2012 at 11:35 am

I'm OK with missles on the East Coast as long as they are pointed to the Deep South.

WunkRocker May 10, 2012 at 11:53 am

I'm ok if they point them just south of Jersey City. Let's face it, the whole country would be better without everything between there and Miami.

FakaktaSouth May 10, 2012 at 12:20 pm

I'm fine with that if you're fine with just giving me a tidge of a head's up – I've got excellent home owners, so whatever on the house, and I am not a bigoted-dick, I swear, I just wanna be in Vermont before the shit comes down, you dig?

Chichikovovich May 10, 2012 at 12:31 pm

I've already made arrangements with the Canadian embassy to hand out refugee documents to all Wonketteers when the Teahadist coup takes place.

mayor_quimby May 10, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Come on man, we're not all assholes down in Georgia-tucky!
Plus, I can't sell my fucking house so I can move a couple miles closer to the 21st century.

ManchuCandidate May 10, 2012 at 11:35 am

"Congresspeople, please! You can't fight in the war room!"

Let it be known that Austin Scott is a fucking moran and he's one of the few who decide what kind of gold plated useless weaponry that the military uses for the next ten years. If he's too stupid to know that the Old Testament is in the bible, what do you think he's going to know even in broad strokes about the usefulness of phased array radar, electronic countermeasures, the chobham armor of a tank or even what makes a good infantry rifle?

johnnyzhivago May 10, 2012 at 11:39 am

I'm sure SOMEONE can find a use for even the most useless piece of weaponry.

ManchuCandidate May 10, 2012 at 11:42 am

My fat leader of Canada City did to the tune of 30 billion and climbing. You call it the F-35.

mayor_quimby May 10, 2012 at 12:26 pm

I hear that is going over like uh, um, a turd in the pool, no that's not Canadian enough – Like day-old poutine, yeah that's it!
Did your guy go to college in the US or something, how did he learn the ways of the Military Industrial complex so well?

ManchuCandidate May 10, 2012 at 12:33 pm

It's in the blood. Show a fat chickenshit a shiny new bangbang toy and (possibly) some greenbacks. Boom. Instant military contract.

Baconzgood May 10, 2012 at 11:36 am

I'm just glad we spend money on defending the people of this country from dying and not on health care.

SayItWithWookies May 10, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Oh, all that defense spending isn't to protect the people silly — it's to protect the oil, the natural gas, the offices and the valuable infrastructure. We're just lucky to be in the protective penumbra of all the expensive toys.

johnnyzhivago May 10, 2012 at 11:37 am

This afternoon Congress closes discussions on the bible, and moves on to "Catcher in the Rye".

HogeyeGrex May 10, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Well, it makes a nice break from their years of playing out "Lord of the Flies."

BaldarTFlagass May 10, 2012 at 11:40 am

“Today’s threats do not require an East Coast missile field, and we do not have plans to do so.”

So of course, some Senator with a lot of stroke is going to successfully lobby to have it built in New Jersey or Pennsylvania, right?

James Michael Curley May 10, 2012 at 12:50 pm

You are confusing NJ with NY. We don't have Senators with stroke. We have one who once had a stroke and the other one who things like he had a stroke. All the government builds in NJ is toxic waste containment cells.

Blueb4sunrise May 10, 2012 at 11:40 am

Don't forget the

Book of the Dead

freakishlywrong May 10, 2012 at 11:42 am

When are these assholes next recess? I hold my breath every time this congress is in session.

el_donaldo May 10, 2012 at 11:43 am

I was thrilled when Obama made his announcement, and so like every other liberal motherfucker I posted as much on Facebook. On of my wingnut cousins commented, "Gay marriage is not biblical …"

And that's supposed to be an argument against it? What about straight marriage is biblical these days anyway?

Dr. Nick Riviera May 10, 2012 at 11:48 am

You can have my concubines when you pry them from my cold dead 500year old hands! Or …they no longer please me. Amen.

Blueb4sunrise May 10, 2012 at 11:49 am

Most marriages I'm familiar with were predicted in Revelations.

Generation[redacted] May 10, 2012 at 12:13 pm

The only response I can come up with is, if it's not biblical you're not doing it right.

Designer_Rants May 10, 2012 at 11:43 am

$100,000,000? Could that buy a meal on a wheel?

Jus_Wonderin May 10, 2012 at 11:49 am

Ya know, some extreme connies object their taxes supporting to NPR and PBS. Yeah, it's like .00001 of a buck a year. I want to go on record saying I FUCKING object to all this FUCKING defense spending.

Dr. Nick Riviera May 10, 2012 at 11:50 am

You cannot have BOTH testaments in ONE Bible. Team Edward or Team Jacob people.

Mumbletypeg May 10, 2012 at 11:54 am

Christians not counting Old Testament as part of their Bible? This is NOT NEWS, peeps. Why, before Jesus made it fashionable to flout the old-school, the targets of his derision themselves were forever denying that the Jews' Babylonian captivity had anything to do with exposure to and influence of Zoroasterian teachings… Before THEM, were the Chosen Ones' denialists who swore up & down that their captivity by the Assyrians had nuh-uh-NOthing to do with worming their viewpoints into the minds of the eventual Ten Lost Tribes of Israel… No sirree our biblical-portraits/ Jesusy' founding-fathers' nevah-evah got tainted by the things behind them, around them, incarcerating them or indoctrinating them. Emerged from scandal and tribulation clean as the poison pen[cil...stylus] with which scribes subsequently recorded the scrubbed-fresh versions handed down today, unscathed.

SayItWithWookies May 10, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Not to mention that the Noachian flood was cribbed from the Akkadians and the Bible borrowed relentlessly from Egyptian and Sumerian myths. And the kingdom of Israel — the northern, worldly, economically successful one that the southern Judeans were always railing against for its apostasy — was vastly more prosperous than the allegedly more devout south.

Mumbletypeg May 10, 2012 at 1:19 pm

I was hoping someone would pick up — esp. w/ the Sumerian-enhanced Abrahamic/ Noah covenants' etc. — – where I left off; I had to stop as I realized I was straying off my original point about omitting the O.T. vis-à-vis whitewashing the truth of such marbled pasts. But your reply supplemented and rather complemented my divemi-erurgency ~

Mumbletypeg May 10, 2012 at 11:58 am

I'd like to know, Rep. Scott – - did Jesus exile the Old Testament; or did it just self-deport on its own?

Mahousu May 10, 2012 at 12:07 pm

New compromise: gays can have "marriage-like ceremonies" on military bases, but they have to decorate with missile defense systems – and leave them in place afterward.

Doktor StrangeZoom May 10, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Yeah, I remember the morning of September 11–within hours of the attack, one of the big-name R's (I forget who) was on TV saying that the attack by hijacked airliners somehow proved the need for increased spending on missile defense.

Generation[redacted] May 10, 2012 at 12:12 pm

I totally see the logic. If we had decent missile defense, no commercial airliner would get anywhere near NYC. Pew! Pew!

HistoriCat May 10, 2012 at 12:44 pm

That's professionalism. A lesser R might have actually been thinking about the attacks and what should be done or what could be done or just panicking. It's takes a real Repub to twist a horrific tragedy completely into an argument for a favored hobby horse.

gullywompr May 10, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Goddammit! The Christian Bible is not the be used for federal legislation!! Why do these Georgians hate the Constitution?

Billmatic May 10, 2012 at 12:12 pm

When you say that the Pentagon doesn't want a missile defense system, is that like when your girlfriend says she doesn't want you to make a big deal out of Valentine's Day when she *totally* does want you to make a big deal out of Valentine's Day?

James Michael Curley May 10, 2012 at 12:13 pm

We doneed no cruddy missile defense system in NJ. We got Governor "Fat Tony" Christie who'll shout em down.

prommie May 10, 2012 at 12:41 pm

But he's never here, he's off having a ball shouting at people all over the Nation. Kim Guadagno isn't gonna be able to shout down no missiles.

James Michael Curley May 10, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Isn’t Kim Guadagno Jamaican for ‘pile of sea gull droppings’?

James Michael Curley May 10, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Unfortunately, he’s here today. Christie vetoes bill to create health care exchanges.

prommie May 10, 2012 at 1:18 pm

He da boss. Somebody don't stop passing bills he don't like, somebody gonna get whacked.

BigSkullF*ckingDog May 10, 2012 at 12:20 pm

I don't remember reading about any missiles in the bible.

Oh who am I kidding, like I would ever actually read the bible. I would rather read the entire twilight trilogy. It would make more sense.

chicken_thief May 10, 2012 at 12:37 pm

I think Reagan had a paragraph or two in there about the Stars Wars defense system. But I'm the wrong person to ask because I never read the damn thing.

UnholyMoses May 10, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Ahhh yes … nothing it better more infuriatingly absurd than ala carte Christianity!

At this point, I'd love it if Jesus did exist and came back—I bet he'd be pissed when he sees what people are doing in his name.

Nostrildamus May 10, 2012 at 12:26 pm

More than missile defense, we need a system to keep Mormon attack robots out of DC.

MissTaken May 10, 2012 at 12:30 pm

This is what I never understood about Bible-thumping Christians. Supposedly when Jesus was crucified his blood sacrifice meant that the past covenant between God and his people was washed clean and a do-over began (aka the 33 AD Etch A Sketch model). Hence, Christians can wear clothes made with lots of types of fabric and can nom nom nom on all the little piggies. BUT, they still use Leviticus to justify gay hate. Why?

sullivanst May 10, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Because they want to.

SorosBot May 10, 2012 at 12:33 pm

It almost makes you suspect that Christians really just pick and choose the Biblical rules they want to fallow and ignore the rest.

Chichikovovich May 10, 2012 at 12:43 pm

The closest I've heard to answers are: a) there is a distinction (for which there is no scriptural basis of course) between ritual rules and moral rules, and it's just the ritual rules that get dumped. b) If at any place in the New Testament – even Pauline epistles of dubious authenticity – the act is condemned, then the previous condemnations remain valid.

I've heard these many times from a lot of different people, so I assume that it is something that people realized they had to answer and once these were settled on they got passed around at the Businessmen's Full Gospel Fellowship Meetings and Talibangelical seminaries. A bit like the spurious "Eye of the Needle was a gate in Jerusalem, fershur."

Also testifying to the fact that this is a passed around, made to measure response is that the most obvious follow-up questions leave them dumbfounded. Like, for example: OK, that takes care of the fabrics and the whole meat-with-cheese thing and eating lobsters, but what about stoning adulterers? That's a moral issue, and Christ not only mentions it (not the stoning part, of course), he says that remarrying is adultery. So let's start assembling the big rocks right now.

Added bonus for wingnuts: one of the few New Testament sections that even most Talibangelist NT scholars agree is inauthentic is the "Woman Taken in Adultery" story, which might provide room for a "OK, remarriage is a horrible sin, but no stoning please." compromise.

HistoriCat May 10, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Because shut up – that's why. You don't expect any kind of coherence or logical flow from these assholes do you?

prommie May 10, 2012 at 12:48 pm

The judaism he was acting within and reacting against was so different from modern judaism, that its hard for a non-scholar to see just what he changed and how. For one thing, though, judaism then involved animal sacrifice as a vital part of the ritual, and a large industry had sprung up around providing the animals and moneychanging, of course. After the sacrifice, the sacrificed animal was eaten in a festival-like atmosphere (the smell of the barbecue was all God needed.) The significance of Jesus "sacrifice" was that after him, you didn't have to go to the temple and sacrifice anymore, and thus the preistly class' religious monopoly was broken, and the economic power derived from temple worship and sacrifice.

Wile E. Quixote May 10, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Because Evilgelical Christoids are hate-filled bigots who are completely full of shit pick and choose what parts of the Bible they want to obey, when they'r not just making shit up that is.

Nostrildamus May 10, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Yeah, cause if N Korea ever did develop a ballistic missile, their first target would certainly be the East coast.

This country has a tragic lack of maps.

bagofmice May 10, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Let it be said that a cloud network of metal storm guns would be far more effective, mounted on ballasted balloons. Long airtime, a mesh network of radar sensors, and the ability to dump a hundred pounds of lead in 60 milliseconds at a projectile. hovering for free underneath a matrix of balloons. Cheap ass ballistic defense.

prommie May 10, 2012 at 12:49 pm

I don't want no 20 megatons 'splodin 100,000 feet over my head, something tells me it would get pretty warm.

proudgrampa May 10, 2012 at 12:35 pm

All I know is, George Carlin once said that "cock" is in the bible.

LiveToServeYa May 10, 2012 at 12:49 pm

The Flying Spaghetti Monster teaches that the Book of Alfredo and the Book of Pesto supercede both the Old and New Fake Testaments, or so spoke His prophet, Al Dente.

proudgrampa May 10, 2012 at 1:02 pm

May you be touched by His Noodly Appendage.

Steverino247 May 10, 2012 at 1:13 pm

OK. I think I've figured out why every time I click on something the page jumps back to the top. It's so I'm exposed to the ads again. Evidently, the older versions of certain web browsers lack this viral immunity.

You have no idea how much work it is to fist you guys some times.

(Hey, there's a post-Presidential comment for ya.)

ttommyunger May 10, 2012 at 2:00 pm

The problem with Christianity isn't with the Bible, or Jesus or God; it's Christians, especially ignorant fucks like these.

slic nic 5150 May 11, 2012 at 5:19 pm

God forbid they cut the missile system to avoid cutting military benefits!

Jus_Wonderin May 10, 2012 at 11:41 am

Not the "Curl Up and Dye"?

SoBeach May 10, 2012 at 11:43 am

"The Dark Roots of Blonde Jokes"

That either cost you a letter grade or gained you one, depending on the perfesser.

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