Sit back and say my hair ain't luxurious when you know it is, Mitt!Mitt Romney is willing to put up with a lot of crap to get his hands on the presidency he (believes he) so richly deserves. The unfiltered contempt of his fellow conservatives, for example! The indignity of being colonoscopied on-air by specially selected wigs from the Fox News Collection. The dog-and-Missouri-Fox-Trotter show of election by his inferiors, even. But the one thing Mitt Romney will never, not never, put up with is the brazen and flamboyant flambuoyancy of effeminate boys who try to ram their Veronica Lake hairdos down his throat. It doesn’t matter if the gays are attempting to walk down the aisle of a charming one-room Unitarian church or if they’re attempting to help him win an unwinnable election or if they’re, oh, just trying to attend the ritzy Cranbrook School with Mitt, circa 1965. No in Case 1, no in Case 2, and H-E-double hockeysticks NO in Case 3.

The Washington Post investigates an important anecdote:

Mitt Romney returned from a three-week spring break in 1965 to resume his studies as a high school senior at the prestigious Cranbrook School. Back on the handsome campus, studded with Tudor brick buildings and manicured fields, he spotted something he thought did not belong at a school where the boys wore ties and carried briefcases. John Lauber, a soft-spoken new student one year behind Romney, was perpetually teased for his nonconformity and presumed homosexuality. Now he was walking around the all-boys school with bleached-blond hair that draped over one eye, and Romney wasn’t having it.

“‘He can’t look like that. That’s wrong. Just look at him!’ an incensed Romney told Matthew Friedemann, his close friend in the Stevens Hall dorm, according to Friedemann’s recollection. Mitt, the teenaged son of Michigan Gov. George Romney, kept complaining about Lauber’s look, Friedemann recalled. A few days later, Friedemann entered Stevens Hall off the school’s collegiate quad to find Romney marching out of his own room ahead of a prep school posse shouting about their plan to cut Lauber’s hair. Friedemann followed them to a nearby room where they came upon Lauber, tackled him and pinned him to the ground. As Lauber, his eyes filling with tears, screamed for help, Romney repeatedly clipped his hair with a pair of scissors. The incident was recalled similarly by five students, who gave their accounts independently of one another.

Hey, if you didn’t join Mitt’s gang of boring squares of marshmallow sandwiches with mayo on untoasted white bread your very first day at Cranbrook you were basically asking for it! NOTE FROM JOURNALISM: Romney has now apologized and completely changed as a person four or five times since this “prank” that “might have gone too far,” so calm down and quit being so EMOTIONALLY GAY about this, geez.

Oh, and PS on a completely unrelated development, which was co-inkidinkally included in the same First Read post (deft, guys, deft!):

Following a campaign speech in Oklahoma that focused primarily on energy, jobs and the economy, the presumptive Republican nominee reaffirmed his opposition to same-sex marriage in light of Obama’s announcement today. “I have the same view on marriage that I had when I was governor,” he said. “I believe marriage is a relationship between a man and a woman.”

A man with man-shaped hair and a woman with woman-shaped hair, just like God is always saying. [WaPo via First Read]

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  • Barb

    Mitt Romney admits that when he saw Ann on her horse he would throw rocks at the horse "just for fun" This was his way of showing that he had a crush on her. Had he spooked the horse or injured it the horse would have had a bigger crush on Ann.

  • In fairness to Mitt, he was only fifteen when he did this. He'd also like forgiveness for the lynching.

  • bureaucrap

    Mitt Romney for Lord of the Flies!!!

    • Generation[redacted]

      Look, I'm a pragmatist. I'll vote for whoever has Piggy's glasses.

    • nounverb911

      Didn't Mitt kill Piggy?

      • Generation[redacted]

        Let's not bring that up again. Let's talk about Ralph's record of failed leadership. Do you want a celebrity with a conch shell, or someone who knows how to create jobs and lead a hunting party in the real world?

    • Rosie_Scenario

      LEAVE NEWT ALONE !!11!!1!

  • LettucePrey

    This Lauber kid should have been flattered. Everyone knows that boys only tease you because they like you.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Dude was on scholarship and later got kicked out for smoking, while Romney and his buddies did shit like impersonate police officers just to terrify young women on dates with his friends. Who knew School Ties was a documentary.

      But Lauber apparently kept his hair blond for the rest of his life, so score one for the bullied kid.

  • nounverb911

    Was Lauber Mitt's first forced baptism?

    • Not_So_Much

      Is 'baptism' a euphemism for 'circle-jerk' in this case?

      • Oblios_Cap

        Since Lauber's dead, I imagine that Willard has already baptised him one last time.

  • I mean, really, who among us hasn't cut some Commiehippiepinkofag freak's hair at least once in our lifetimes? Boys will be boys!

  • freakishlywrong

    Gaybasher, corporate raider, robot, Mormon, liar. The World's Most UnInteresting Man.

    • Generation[redacted]

      "I don't always bash gays, but when I do, I prefer a dos equis bottle."

    • rickmaci

      "Stay homophobic my friends."

  • mormos

    fuck you mitt romney

  • philpjfry

    What is the difference between this and the Taliban? Oh yeah, Mitt is a republican and the Taliban are muslim extremists trying to inflict thier beliefs on everyone else. Totaly different

    • Sir_Fartz_Alot

      hadjis drive camels.

      • nounverb911

        But would they "Walk a Mile for a Camel"?

        • Sir_Fartz_Alot

          only if there are no sheep nearby

  • Generation[redacted]

    ‘He can’t look like that. That’s wrong. Just look at him!’

    Bet you didn't know Mitt played a bit part in the diner scene of Easy Rider.

  • widestanceromance

    I want this shellac-crested freak to lose and to lose bad.

    • And I want him to have an obvious-to-everyone boner tenting his slacks when he gives his concession speech. Don't know why I thought of this, but something about the image speaks to me.

      • widestanceromance

        Add a wet spot and I'm with you.

  • ChernobylSoup

    Obama to Romney via anonymous, thoroughly-researched tips to the Washington Post: It's on, bitch.

    • mayor_quimby

      How many terabytes of oppo-research do you think the Obama campaign has?

      • BerkeleyBear

        Well, since the McCain camp saved Obama time and effort by leaking its opp memo, I'm guessing the real trick is editing/planning. Well that and keeping Biden from letting it all out of the bag every time he's in front of a hot mike.

    • prommie

      And this is just a teaser! hehehe

  • SorosBot

    I am so, so shocked that a man who tortured his own dog was also a vicious bully in high school.

    • rickmaci

      Don't forget the enjoys firing people part.

  • FakaktaSouth

    Holy fuck, he's an evil bully? I did not see that coming. I mean yeah, he bankrupts people and industry and fucking toy stores for fun and profit as a career and he is out loud about not being concerned about the "very poor" and even MIKE HUCKABEE could see he was an asshole-dickbag, but, okay, yeah. I guess I should have seen it coming.

  • Manhattan123

    Well at least we now know there's one thing Romney hasn't flip-flopped on: being a heartless prick.

  • bureaucrap

    "Romney has now apologized and completely changed as a person four or five times since this “prank”…

    "Romney has now apologized and completely changed as a person four or five times since this MORNING"…

    Fixed it.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Even though she was way before my time, I had a big thing for Veronica Lake when I was in highschool. Couple of girls I knew in highschool and college wore their hair like that, and damn, that poor Mitt, he must have just been real confused about what was going on in his mind when he saw that dude.

    The tinglyness in his dangly bits, and all.

    • widestanceromance


  • SteveMcCroskey

    Christ, he really would have fit right in at Omega Theta Pi with Marmalard and Neidermeyer.

    • MosesInvests

      Greggie and Dougie and the other Hitler Youth.

  • Isn't hair-cutting a little queer, Mittens? I wonder what other pee-pee touching "pranks" Mitt dreamed up to "haze" the other kids at his all-boy school.

  • Had it been a year earlier, Mitt might have tackled John, Paul, George, and Ringo and cut their hair, too. History would have been so different.

  • Arken

    "I'm sorry I bullied gay people. I'm not that man anymore. Now I just want to treat them as second-class citizens."

    • Veritas78

      This is why I come to Wonkette.

  • Callyson

    I know SorosBot said this already, but JFC, first the gay guy, then the dog…what's next? Will Mickey Mouse get kidnapped from DisneyWorld and thrown into an ultimate fight cage?


    • SorosBot

      I'm also wondering about his kids; after this it wouldn't surprise me to find out he was one of those parents who abused his kids and called it "discipline".

    • Redhead

      What is it, torturing animals, setting fires and wetting the bed as a kid?
      If you make the dog wet his own bed, what's that count as?

  • Baconzgood

    Ass Hole

  • UnholyMoses

    Psychopathy: He's doin' it … abhorrently well, actually …

  • Tundra Grifter

    Remember when they found Bob Hope face down in Veronica Lake?

  • FakaktaSouth

    I am seriously beginning to think that Mitt himself pushes the boring, harmless, wishy washy cardboard cutout guy image because his real self is a horrible horrible mean and nasty dog abusing, literal gay-bashing cretin with evil intent. I seriously has a fear now.

    • freakishlywrong

      Indeed. Ann, zip that shit back up.

    • bureaucrap

      If nothing else, he certainly demonstrates classic sociopathic traits of being utterly oblivious to anyone else's thoughts, feelings or sensitivities. I'm sure that behind his apology he sincerely doesn't understand what's wrong with beating the shit out of people for fun.

    • prommie

      OK, where we emigrating to? Prepositions are my favorite thing to end a sentence with.

      • FakaktaSouth

        We all need something to rest our dangling participles ON.
        Tell me where you'll be at. I'll come with.
        I just need a place with cheap booze and good hospitals to go to. (for when I need a new liver)

    • Redgyal

      I think he come across that way because one can only pretend to like one's subordinates so much before they begin to think that they are one's equal.

    • teebob2000

      That's what I've thought all along. I know people like him.

  • SexySmurf

    Way to prove you're totally butch, Mitt, because everybody knows only straight people cut hair.

    • win

      "And when he noticed that the boy was crying, he set the scissors down and held him, brushing his hair for 45 minutes before repairing to the bunk beds…"

    • Mittens Howell, III

      oh no you di'int!

  • Rosie_Scenario

    And to this day, Mitt is completely unconcerned about his own dark coif with just a touch of grey at the temples. He's a marvelous man's man is Mittens.

  • Poindexter718

    Flock of Seagulls libel!

  • Dildeaux

    Yes mittbot is a douche and I despise bullying but this is poutrage du jour and much ado about nothing.

  • "I believe marriage is…" ..a man with man-shaped hair and a woman with woman-shaped hair, just like God is always saying.

    "Marriage is a union between a man's money and a woman's money."
    — Gospel of Rmoney, tweeted by Andy Borowitz, Borrow'd by Mumbletypeg

  • MissTaken

    Boys will be boys, and assholes will be assholes.

    Mitt has managed to be both.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Young Mitt had to gin up a lot of rage over that boys long hair just to give him an excuse to tackle him and pin him to the ground and probably grope him. Internalized homophobia is a bitch.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Wait, wait. You mean to tell me that behind that smug-but-brittle, uneasy smile, there's a hateful fuckwad just waiting to break out?

    • prommie

      It surprised me, too. I didn't think he had that much personality.

  • niblick77

    Echoing Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad assertion that there are not gay Iranians Mittens proclaims there are no gay Mormons.

    • Judith_Priest

      My friend Randall, who used to bang Mormon missionaries all the time — especially the fourth or fifth time they came back to talk about the Book of Mormon — would disagree with you.

    • doloras

      It's technically true that there are no gay Iranians. "Gay" is a Western sociological construction which has no counterpart in other cultures, or at least didn't until we shoved it down everyone's throat (ahem). No, all there is in Iran is Iranian men who like the buttsechs and cocksucking and rimjobs, etc., with other Iranian men. NOT GAYS.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I'm really lucky that nobody has ever pinned me to the ground and forced me to grow my hair to an acceptably female length.

    • bobloblawlawblg

      you and me both, missy.

  • If only they had fey boys among the VC (and they didn't shoot back) then Mittens wouldn't have fled to France and shown them in Vietnam who's a man's man by cutting their hair.

  • elburritodeluxe

    Showing your Conservative Christian chops by beating on an homme sensuel is a little like winning the Kentucky Derby + making joyless sex with a plain Christian woman in Republican circles. Why didn't he do an ad about this during the Primaries??

  • Poindexter718

    Fair to say Mittens has now locked up the Amish beard cutter vote in Swingsylvania.

  • I do not think this word "prank" means what Mittens thinks it does.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Prank, assault, whatever.

  • gullywompr

    I want to dive into Veronica Lake and drown.

  • I am actually impressed that Mittens did the bullying himself instead of making his valet, Shropshire, do it for him.

  • littlebigdaddy

    He was just giving that little faggot the Tennessee Treatment.

  • BerkeleyBear

    HS – all male, nearly all white boarding school, bullying queers and stutterers (and mixing both, according to the same story), apparently ok with culture of "genteel" racism (yellow kids get called kamikazes in sports, brown ones get cracks about hating Israel) and too much of a dork to really play sports, so served as yell leader in football and manager in hockey
    College pt 1 – at nearly all white Stanford, for the war in Vietnam
    Mission – Ducking actually serving in the war by trying to bully French people into giving up booze
    College pt 2 – super member of all male support club that had sexist fundraisers, apparently okay with nearly all white BYU sports teams being completely all white
    College pt 3 – dick joint MBA/JD at nearly all white Harvard in early 70s
    Career – dick at nearly all male/white Bain & Co, then later Bain Capital, apparently while living in all white dick head neighborhood and torturing dogs
    Now presumptive nominee for nearly all white/male GOP, who think none of this behavior has anything to do with his character as president.

    Look, I was an ass in high school and beyond, too, but at least I know exactly what I was an ass about and why it was lame and stupid on my part. Mitt seems to have evaded all contact with personal growth since his teen years, and that scares me.

  • BlueStateLibel

    Sociopath diagnosis now completely confirmed. Screw Mitt Rmoney, I had two friends in high school who were gay, no one deserves that shit.

  • proudgrampa

    Far be it from me to defend Rmoney, I think he's a total lying asshole. But something that happened when he was a senior in high school? In the 60's?

    I hope that my fellow Wonketteers would forgive MY transgressions from that long ago…

    • If you viewed this one incident as the worst thing he ever did, and if he had in any way acknowledged it, then maybe it wouldn't be relevant years later in a presidential campaign. But if you add on that this is a man who put (1) his dog on the car roof and coldly hosed it off when it crapped itself, (2) made his name bankrupting businesses (3) has callously stated that he loves firing people and told "funny stories" about factory closings (4) has stated that he doesn't care about "the poor" and (5) has now taken flip flopped on a civil rights swearving to the far right position that effectively treats homosexuals as second class citizens — then yeah, it's relevant. It shows a pattern of callousness, and indifference to others (if not downright sadism) that goes back at least to his adolescence.

    • mormos

      What we do with our guilt determines whether we should be free of it

      • comrad_darkness

        Did you write that? I love that.

        • mormos

          yeah, feel free to use it. : )

    • Lascauxcaveman

      As long as you don't run for president on a boatload of fucked-up-wrong ideas.

      Otherwise, we're gonna be relentless.

      • proudgrampa

        I promise I will not throw my hat in the ring!

    • BerkeleyBear

      I bet if 5 of your friends all remember doing something bad, though, and several regret it enough to have actually tried to make amends you would at least not claim to have forgotten it, and offer more than a "sorry if anyone had a problem with it" apology. Or claim that you had no idea the guy was gay or you perceived him as gay and that motivated the attack.

      We all did dumb shit as kids (although this goes beyond anything I personally did – group attacks would require you to be one of the popular kids) but most of us can not only recall those moments, the shame of them help us grow as people when later experience shines a glaring light on our ignorance. The fact that old Mittbot has no recall of the moment suggest he has no shame and hence no growth, and that matters.

    • sullivanst

      Thing is, it's got explicative power for the person Mitt is today. He's still that kind of jackass.

    • ttommyunger

      Being a bully is not a transgression, my friend; it is the sign of a serious character flaw and is never done just once, unless the bully gets a proper ass-kicking on his initial attempt.

      • proudgrampa

        Hey, Tommy
        I'm getting it. I see from the responses that I've missed the point: the bullying is just one incident in a long string of behavior that demonstrates character.
        Thanks, friend.

    • Veritas78

      George W. Bush blew up frogs by stuffing M-80s up their butts, and he shot both his sister and his brother with a bb-gun. Sometimes early indicators are just that.

    • ChessieNefercat

      The other students involved, to this day, are troubled by their actions and clearly still feel remorse and guilt over their participation. They clearly learned a lot about themselves and what kind of person they wanted to be. Yeah, for what they did in high school, they are forgiven because they recognize that what they did was wrong.

      Romney, no. Pranks? Hijinks? No. That is not the correct term for his actions. And there are many more incidents over the years clear through to the present all indicating someone that gets his jollies over causing pain, humiliation, terror, embarrassment, etc., to anyone he perceives as beneath him. And he shows no remorse or contrition. Shoot, he doesn't even show any comprehension of what he did and why it was wrong. No pass for Romney.

  • LettucePrey

    This just in: entitled rich kids are often assholes!

  • SayItWithWookies

    So Rmoney has now flip-flopped on gays too? I thought the law of conservative integrity mandated that you always hold the views you were born with, so in case someone accused you of of wavering even an inch from the precious orthodoxy you could trace your current politics to the Norman Conquest. This is a little too — you know — squishy for the rigorous dyed-in-the-blood-of-the-lamb teabaggers.

    • PubOption

      They only need to go back as far as St. Ronnie.

  • Neoyorquino

    Repressed hair stylist.

  • Chichikovovich

    Romney continued: "My remorse, is, of course, sincere, since as a student in Cranbrook School in the early 60's, Mr. Lauber was likely to inherit a great deal of money that, invested wisely, could make him someone worth discussing matters with respectfully in Quiet Rooms. It was wrong of me to treat him like a servant or scholarship student just because he acted like a fruit."

  • barto

    “I don’t remember that incident,” Romney said, laughing.

    Oh how we laughed, we certainly had a gay time of it, didn't we? Tennis, anyone?

  • prommie

    Hmm, perhaps Mitt is so fucking odd and strange and inhuman not because he's bland and blank and whitebread, maybe its because its an enormous strain for him to hide the fact that he is a fucking raging sociopath. Jesus, I kind of respect him more now, I didn't think he had it in him to be totally evil, I thought he was just a spoiled blah vanilla blah garden variety upper class twit entitled asshole. But apparently, he is a violent sociopath, which is so much more interesting.

    • comrad_darkness

      Sociopaths are typically very charming people. They don't care if they fuck with your head in any way, including making you love them.

  • Nopantsmcgee

    Did anyone at the time know Mitt worse special underpants? I think the bully – table would have been turned , if that fact was known.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Actually, this thing that Romney did was not actually done, starting from when he began running for office.

    *Shake it like an Etch A Sketch*

  • James Michael Curley

    Yearbook Photos! Get yer Mitt Romney Yearbook photos here!
    See Mitt pal around with a radical left leaning old dude who was farther to the left than Nelson Rockefeller.

  • chascates

    Assholes that went to exclusive prep schools make the best Presidents!

  • not that Dewey

    And the sign said "helmet-haired, skeezy people need not apply"

  • teebob2000

    OMG I just realized that blond-haired blue-eyed definitely-historically-accurate Jeebus portrait every good non-Mormon Christian has had hanging in their homes since the 20s HAS EXACTLY THAT KIND OF GIRLY HAIR!!!!!11

  • OneYieldRegular

    That was a Republican apology classic. I mean, given that he's still bullying gay people, it had zero meaning other than to make himself feel better.

  • Major Thom

    Can Eric Holder look into this? Or even Geoffrey Holder.

  • SaintRond

    I'll betcha ten thousand dollars that when Mittens tackled that queer kid and gave him a haircut, he had an erection.

  • Amanwithnoplan

    It's not Lord of the Flies…its THE OUTSIDERS. Disgusting "soc" Willard Mitt Romney attacked greaser Ponyboy. IT HAPPENED.. right era. Kids knew that stuff was vicious and wrong then. Mitt wasn't 7, he was a high school bully and thug, who'd be charged with assault–not just bullying–today:

    "Hey, grease," Mitt said in an over-friendly voice. "We're gonna do you a favor, greaser. We're gonna cut all that long greasy hair off."

    He had on a madras shirt. I can still see it. Blue madras. One of them laughed, then cussed me out in a low voice. I couldn't think of anything to say. There just isn't a whole lot you can say while waiting to get mugged, so I kept my mouth shut.

    "Need a haircut, greaser?" The medium-sized blond pulled scissors out of his back pocket.

    I finally thought of something to say. "No."

  • ttommyunger

    "Mitt Romney Is Sorry If He Hurt You When He Went Too Far." I promise, if Mittens had gone too far with me, I would not be the one hurt. Being a bully is not a simple "transgression" it is the sign of a serious character flaw which tends to get worse over time unless it results in a proper ass-whipping of the bully for his efforts, also, too, as well as….

  • ttommyunger

    BTW: remember Dubya "branding" plebes with heated paper clips? Great fun!

  • chascates

    Comment from the odious Gateway Pundit:
    Mitt Romney Picked on a Kid in High School – Obama Voted to Smother the Life Out of Live Babies

    • Fare la Volpe

      I wish these people nothing but the worst.

    • And typical Obama didn’t even smother the babies himself!

  • Come here a minute

    There's always one bad Cran-Apple trying to spoil the whole bunch, girl.

  • Generation[redacted]

    Later in his life he attended Vietnam War protests, changing "Hey hey LBJ, how many kids did you kill today? Not enough! Not enough!"

  • DocChaos

    If Mitt had been a normal kid he would have gotten drunk with the kid on Colt .45s, and after Lauber passed out written "fag" on his forehead with a magic marker and stuck cigarette butts in his nostrils. At least if they were friends.

  • Makinglifehell

    Why is it that el douchey here reminds me so much of Niedermeyer?

  • Good lord! Was Veronica Lake gorgeous or was she gorgeous?

  • randomsausage

    The whole dog on a roof thing makes sense now — Seamus the Irish setter was totally gay…….

  • Schmegeg

    This has come as quite a shock: Mitt Romney was a douchebag in high school!

  • didgen

    Children are cruel, they don't recognize the devastation that their actions cause. By the time you are of that age, you should have reached a point that you feel guilt, sorrow, recognition of the damage that you have done. Your life should now be shaped by recognition that you are a part of something more than yourself. That this horrific event was of such small consequence that he doesn't even remember it makes me ill. I now have pity for his family, this is a man with no soul.

  • Negropolis

    Isn't what Teen Romney did to the poor guy what Mean Girls do to the homely girl at their slumber parties?

  • ChessieNefercat

    Life in Ann Romney's brain:
    Ann Romney thinks proudly that she is one lucky and awesome gal every time he hurts someone else, because he doesn't treat her like that! Well, except when he does. Because he is such a wild and crazy guy and she is damn proud that he thinks she'll understand how cute and funny that was, what he said about her in front of everyone! Yes! It was so funny! Yep, she's one lucky gal! Really! Every day!

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