Just can't marry your *gay* cousin.
Here is the last amendment that North Carolina added to its state constitution regarding its rules for marriage, in 1875. About time for an update, you might say? A majority of North Carolinians also agree, time for a constitutional update! Now, who will explain to all those North Carolina voters exactly what an “update” is?

Because 61 percent of North Carolina voters don’t seem to get it:

Riding a Bible-influenced coalition that cut across political and racial lines, the marriage amendment stormed to approval Tuesday, making North Carolina the latest state to put stronger legal barricades before same-sex unions.

With 90 percent of the counties reporting, the constitutional amendment to make marriage between a man and a woman the “only domestic legal union that shall be valid or recognized” won resoundingly, 61 percent to 39 percent.

Well, that was close! North Carolina almost slipped into the 21st century for a second there. [Think Progress/Charlotte Observer]

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  • nounverb911

    You're assuming North Carolinians can read.

    • sullivanst

      Or give a shit.

      • sewollef

        And that does it for me. Next time I drive through NC to visit relatives I'm locking the car doors and putting pedal to metal.

        Trouble is, then there's SC…

    • WunkRocker

      Reporting live from the QUEEN City where the DNC will explode like Lindsay Graham on Larry Craig's backside…I concur, irony is afoot.

    • Studebaker Hawk

      Yeah, well maybe. In fairness, though, I thought I was voting "for" teh butt sechs.

  • Come here a minute

    They could have at least made gay marriage three-fifths constitutional.

  • nounverb911

    Phew, for a minute there I thought my Japanese wife wouldn't be legal in NC.

  • I thoughted Constitutions were all about guaranteeing rights. Not taking rights away.

    • nounverb911

      That's only in Bizzarro North Carolina.

    • Fukui-sanYesRadio

      A certain federal appeals court agrees with you, regarding proposition 8 in california.

    • GOPCrusher

      Yeah, the Taliban in Iowa want a Constitutional Amendment outlawing gay marriage here, despite the fact that polls show that 75% of Iowans couldn't care less if gays marry or not.

      • We actually became the first non-Northeastern state to legalize gay marriage because fundies tried to push this same sort of constitutional amendment, and then all 7 judges of the IA supreme court unanimously ruled the amendment unconstitutional.

        All 3 of the judges on ballot lost their jerbs over it in the next elections, because of Bob VanderClosets' bigotry organizing.

  • Irony? 'At's wimmin's work! Now, git me a sammich an' a beer and show me yer tits, woman!

  • Horseless carriages are also banned.

    • Oh, North Carolina has plenty of state laws in effect that make that one sound reasonable.


      While having sex, you must stay in the missionary position and have the shades pulled.

      • anniegetyerfun

        That is going to be difficult to masturbate to.

        • V572 Is this him?

          If that's what you're looking for, this may not be quite the right blog.

        • Naked_Bunny

          It's also going to be hard to enforce.

      • CommieLibunatic

        This must be that patented Small Government™ at work. More like Small, Voyeuristic Kid Brother Government.

      • DaRooster

        Missionary Position??
        Are they fucking cannibals?

        • Her. Her. Her.

          If I were a cassowary
          On the plains of Timbuctu
          I would eat a missionary …

          and it's no use telling me that cassowaries don't live anywhere near Timbuctu. The Resident Authority On All Things PNG-ian has told me that umpteen bajillion times a'reddy.

      • sewollef

        While having sex, you must stay in the missionary position and have the shades pulled."

        Wait… what? The actual word "missionary" is really stated in NC's constitution thingie? Really?

        Oh fucking hell.

      • Then it goes on to say:

        A marriage can be declared void if either of the two persons is physically impotent.

        So gay marriage wuz already legal?

  • North Carolina's constitution is for pikers! Mormonisms rules until 1977 said that if you had sex with a black person you would DIE. Now those are rules.

    • Tundra Grifter

      In the wonderful "The Man Who Would Be King," Roxanne was scared to sleep with Danny Dravot because if she had relations with a god she would burst into flames.

      Talk about your burning panties.

      • V572 Is this him?

        It's on my list of best-ever movies. Most of them were made in the 70s. And then "Star Wars" happened, and as Spielberg said to Lucas (or some group like that) "from now on we'll all make movies for 13-year-olds."

        Kipling's short story by that name is a good one too.

  • gullywompr

    Gay is the new black.

    • nounverb911


      • Preferred Customer


    • ProgressiveInga

      I thought caterpillars were the new blah.

    • Negropolis

      I don't know. With these new voter ID laws and "stand you ground" laws, seems like the blahs are the same old blahs; they just have company, now.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Some polls show the good people of North Carolina do support civil unions or a similar marriage alternative. Unfortunately for them, this bill that the major voted for forbids them.

    This is typical of the bigoted legislation pushed through by the right wing nutz.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Way to double down on the dumb N.C.

    • V572 Is this him?

      The Research Triangle is going to be reduced to a "Research Right Angle for the Study of Intelligent Design and Climate Change Myths."

      And Duke is going to be downgraded to Baron University.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Ride that Bible-influenced coalition, baby. Ride it!!

  • LettucePrey

    This is coming from a state where Three's Company is the most subversive thing on TV.

    • Naked_Bunny

      They're still reeling from that Kirk/Uhura kiss.

  • gullywompr

    "A majority of North Carolinians also agree, time for a constitutional update!"

    That is to say, a majority of North Carolinians who just happened to be in the vicinity of a voting booth on the same day as a state Republican primary. See what they did there?

  • flamingpdog

    Loving v. Virginia did away with the interracial marriage ban. Looks like we need a Gay Loving v. North Carolina ruling to do away with the current nonsence.

    • nounverb911

      Bachmann v. Bachmann?

    • Beowoof

      I do believe that case will be heard in the Supreme Court, and is called Perry vs. Brown. Lets hope those right wing nitwits really believe what they say about keeping the government out of peoples lives and uphold the 9th Circuits ruling. It is their job to protects the rights of the minority from the tyranny of the majority.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Constitutional uppercut.

  • Tundra Grifter

    "Read three times…"

    Sounds like a Muslin divorce.

    • emmelemm

      That was just what I was thinking.

      Or saying "Bloody Mary" into the mirror three times and summoning her. Something like that.

      • MosesInvests

        Or saying "Ah break with thee, Ah break with thee, Ah break with thee" and then spreading dog poopy on her shoes.

  • StarsUponThars

    You can still marry your first cousin, though. So there's that.

    • flamingpdog

      You can marry your first cousin in Colorado, too, also, so it's not always the elevation that explains teh crazy here I guess.

      • MissTaken

        You can cousin-marry in California, too! But not gay marry because that's icky.

        • sezme

          In Canada, you can interracially gay marry your first cousin for the win!

          • Biel_ze_Bubba


          • Boojum

            Try fuckta?

        • CommieLibunatic

          Jegus, my dad (who claimed we "wouldn't recognize the country in a year or three" after Obama was elected) got super upset when my wife told him about it. Not so much at the law as at her, for some reason.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            ""wouldn't recognize the country in a year or three" after Obama was elected"

            That's what most of us were hoping for.

          • sewollef

            Sadly, I recognise it all too well. It smells like proto-fascism.

            As Sinclair Lewis once said: "When facism comes to America it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross.”

            I believe that's what we've pretty much got right here, right now.

    • Naked_Bunny

      But almost all my first cousins are male.

  • MissTaken

    9/11 was on 9/11 and that Constatooshun was on 10/11 sheeple! WAKE UP!1 They read it THREE whole times. If you say Bloody Mary three times Noobama shows up and makes you get gay married to OJ's bloody glove!1!1 What are they NOT telling us???!1!11

    • emmelemm

      Damn! That's what I get for not reading all the comments first.

      Candyman too also!

    • comrad_darkness

      God, do you have the same facebook friends I do?

  • Well you can always Boycott NC.

    • nounverb911

      Will Obama move the convention now?

      • gullywompr

        Keep it there, and book the Village People for the keynote.

        • Sweet. And all the delegates have to wear hoodies.

    • OneYieldRegular

      I sent a letter to my alma mater yesterday informing them that my annual donation to the alumni fund was henceforth going to a gay rights organization.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        HRC gets my dough. They're the folks who shredded Prop H8.

        • sullivanst

          If by "shredded", you mean "mounted the ineffectual campaign against it that hid the gays and had no strategy for minority outreach", then yeah.

          AFER is the driving force behind Perry vs. Brown

    • Callyson

      Tarheel Taliban

      Good name. Will have to remember that one…

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      The only boycott they might care about is if high school basketball stars boycotted Duke and UNC. THAT would get their attention, pronto!

    • Negropolis

      So many states have passed this that you'd have to boycott the majority of America…which I'm sure is something a lot of us already do…and even some of us not exactly by choice.

  • Fairtackle

    Great, see?! Sharia law in the North Carolina constitution no less.

  • SorosBot

    Yes, but you see, this is different, because, um, well it just is. Oh because of the Bahble, and tradition! Neither of which were extensively used to justify both segregation and slavery, nope!

    • Naked_Bunny

      I'm sure they've got it right this time, though.

  • edgydrifter

    I think it would suffice to say "North Carolina Has No Sense."

  • Update = We can't handle it now. Get back to us in the next millennia.

  • SorosBot

    Of course North Carolina has a sense of irony! They know that it's like rai-ai-ain on your wedding day.

    • ProgressiveInga

      I think Alanis needs to look up 'ironic'. Isn't rain on your wedding day, a free ride when you've already paid, a black fly in your chardonnay, a death row pardon two minutes too late just a series of bummers? Just sayin'

      • anniegetyerfun

        It depends. What if the chardonnay is from White Fly Vineyards?

        • ProgressiveInga

          Gettin' closer, I think. The 2012 Democratic Convention in N. Carolina is ironic.

      • sullivanst

        Alanis is almost certainly blissfully unaware, but there is true irony in writing a song called Ironic which declares a bunch of things which are plainly not ironic to be so. There is even compound irony in the cacophony of critics declaring the song to be not ironic and missing the irony entailed within that very fact.

        • Naked_Bunny

          In other words, it's ironic that she's best known for a song called "Ironic" that is about things that are not ironic.

          • sullivanst


          • Naked_Bunny

            Ironically, if "Ironic" had been about things that were ironic, she'd probably be less well-known.

          • BarackMyWorld

            You Oughta Know who she is anyways.

  • SayItWithWookies

    The trees might be the right height in Michigan, but if you want bigga tree you have to go to North Carolina.

  • Beowoof

    Just one more reason to avoid the South all together. I will avoid the South (except for New Orleans as they seem to like drinking as much as I do). The more I read of them the more I believe they want to be revert to a backward third world nation. I would wish them good luck, but I wouldn't mean it. How about "Well Bless their hearts" said with all the derision it is intended to convey in southern speech.

    • qwerty42

      Well, there is a demographic change on the way South. Within a generation, it will be very different. What you have now is a hysterical, fearful people seeing their world ending. They are convinced they are being persecuted and that the President is attempting to destroy the country. In an earlier time, we'd call them "nuts", but with the wonders of the web, they get to connect with each other and pass on ever more absurd things.

      • Toomush_Infer

        Um, apparently rich upwardly mobile edumacated blahs are moving back there and buying up the big houses on sale for pennies….yikes…..and very, very southern speakers moving in as well….some with real green cards….

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Maybe if they weren't such intolerant fuckwits, they wouldn't be "persecuted" quite so much.

        • sewollef

          Forget that. We should persecute the hell out of them.

          When Apple make that iTimeTraveler I so desperately want, I'm going back in time and telling Sherman to totally obliterate the few remaining southern cities. Then drive the [white racist] populations into Mexico [or Florida], build a wall to keep them there and have done with it.

  • poorgradstudent

    I already got into a debate online about this (I know, I know, trust me) and already there are people from North Carolina who are (ironically) butt-hurt about the mean things people are saying about North Carolina and the South in general, although to paraphrase Jack Nicholson's Joker, "Wait 'till they get a load of the Wonketteers!"

    And I'll admit that throwing around old stereotypes about the South isn't the nicest or the most productive response, but, really, I'm from the South myself (rural Virginia) and honestly, if you're mad that a Facebook post implied that you're a hick or some kid in New York called you a bigot, fuck y'all. You just went out of your way to vote away the right to marry, and various legal rights that come along with it, for an entire class of people for vague, wibbly-wobbly reasons that just amount to a dumb e-mail forward, so you DO NOT get to whine about people writing awful things about you and where you live on the Internet, at least not without looking like a thin-skinned asshole too fucking braindead and morally vacuous to even begin to grip the implications of an issue they supposedly give a damn about it.

    It's a really shitty day to be a gay Southerner, is all I'm saying.

    • Naked_Bunny

      You just went out of your way to vote away the right to marry

      Heck, they went out of their way to outlaw something that was already illegal there. Belt-and-suspenders bigotry!

    • Naked_Bunny

      It's also irritating when the complainers say that they don't have a problem with gay marriage, so it's wrong to lump them in with the people who do, just because they didn't vote.

      • poorgradstudent

        Exactly. And even if they did vote against it, just complaining about insults against a region just after a large number of people in that region actually participated in taking rights away is a tad…ridiculously infuriating?

        • MissNancyPriss

          can you move out of the south?

          • poorgradstudent

            I did…unless you count Missouri as "the South." In which case I've gotta be here for another couple of years at least until I finish my degree.

        • MissNancyPriss

          you shouldn't have to deal with that shit.

          • poorgradstudent

            To be fair it was an online debate in a friend's space I butted in on so I could procrastinate on a deadline, so without excusing their ignorance I have to admit I asked for it.

    • fuflans

      it may be a shitty day to be a gay Southerner (i imagine every day is), but it is a lovely day to read your post on wonkette.

      • poorgradstudent

        *blush* Thanks.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Mostly, I just want to know if it's legal for John Boehner to marry the Tanning Mom.

    Cos that shit would be funny.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Melanin LIbel!

    • OKthennext

      No. That would be like a gay marriage. Girl. And girl.

  • bflrtsplk

    To most North Carolina boys, an update is one where you get to second base. For the girls, eewwww, I mean EEWWWWWW!

  • lefty74

    Its a good thing Denzel Washington memorized the King James Bible. Otherwise it would be lost forever and no one would know who it was OK to be bigoted against. Things are fine here on the Island now!

  • sbj1964

    My guess is that in North Carolina Are you smarter than a Fifth grader is not a popular TV show.

    • ChessieNefercat

      My guess is that in North Carolina Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader is a) not a rhetorical question and b) usually answered with "no."

      • Toomush_Infer

        Well, to be fair, fifth grade is a reach in NC…..

    • Naked_Bunny

      Fifth grade was the best three years of my life.

  • spinozasgod

    It seems that african americans in NC have no sense of irony either as they voted overwhelmingly in support of adding the bigoted amendment yesterday, I guess bigotry is OK as long is it is aimed at someone else……sad

  • DaRooster

    Are you telling me it is OK for Whites to marry Negroids (Nigras, Blahs, Kenyans)?

    WTF?!? Next thing you know Gays will be all, "What about us?!"

    • emmelemm

      It's OK if they're more than three generations (inclusive) away from Nigra descent.

    • Naked_Bunny

      It's legal. It's not okay.

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      You forgot "urbans".

  • qwerty42

    North Carolina is an interesting place. Here is the county map for the vote. Basically, Charlotte, Asheville, the Triangle counties, the Outer Banks and one mountain county voted against it. The Democratic Convention will be in Charlotte.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Still — the best thing the Dems could do is go to their Convention, with a vow to keep their wallets shut as much as humanly possible. I swear, if I were a delegate, I'd pack a jar of peanut butter and a loaf of bread, and a bottle of bourbon, and live on it for 3 days.

      • qwerty42

        Nah, Charlotte is in a pretty part of the state, with a pleasant downtown, and has a lot of decent restaurants (I'll concede I have not been there in some years, tho). They are actually running (soshulist, communistical) rapid rail transit. I see no reason to punish Charlotte for the nutters outside it. Plus, NC is considered a swing state and Bammerz is going to need it in Nov.

    • GlowneyHouse

      And it was close in some of the other counties with larger cities — It passed in Guilford County (Greensboro) by only 72 votes (Greensboro) and in New Hanover (Wilmington) by 802. The rural counties just crushed it with numbers not seen since Ceausecu –some with percentages as high as 86%. Here is a better map to check on your (once) favorite of the 100 counties.

      Sad day for the Order of the Long Leaf Pine.

      • sullivanst

        The rural counties just crushed it with numbers not seen since Ceausecu

        PUTIN LIBEL!

  • mormos

    I think I have Republicans figured out. They are mercantilists. They believe there is only so much freedom in the world and if you want a new freedom you have to get rid of an old one. Want gays to marry? you have to get rid of old marriage. Want a blah to be presnit? you have to give up the bible.

    I mean, that makes more sense than America containing millions of bigots, right?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Who knew the Constitution was a zero-sum game?

  • hagajim

    I find it ironic that nobody has filed an equal protection lawsuit against one of these lovely ass-backward states – so the Roberts Court could finally ruin they have no rights – blowing a hole the size of a shotgun into the Constitution, so we can quit pretending we even have one anymore.

  • ChessieNefercat

    I like how the short sentence in the margin explains the longer sentence right next to it, but screws up by using a 4 syllable word.

  • Terry

    "Well, that was close! North Carolina almost slipped into the 21st century for a second there. "

    People like to point to the Research Triangle as proof that N.C. Is not only in the 21st but on the cutting edge. But time and time again, North Carolina proves that it's still just goddamn Tobacco Road.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      You know what other place that starts with "North" has labs full of rocket scientists and nuclear physicists? Because I'm equally impressed by their modernity.

  • Beetagger

    I demand separate spittoons for gays & straights. Don't wanna cross the streams.

    • Naked_Bunny

      Now I'm afraid there may be a YouTube video showing this.

  • Fox n Fiends

    These retards are the decendants of the people who did this:

    On May 26, 1908, by a referendum vote of 62% to 38%, North Carolina became the first southern state to enact statewide prohibition of alcoholic beverages.

  • doloras

    You may be confusing him with his ancestor, Zipo Bibrok 5 x 10^8.

    • sullivanst

      I think at 10 billion years old, Zipo's entitled to enjoy his retirement by now.

  • Naked_Bunny

    By the way, if you check the New York Times, you'll see that a true marriage requires a three-way!

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Interesting … this means that God is gay – or maybe bi.

  • owhatever

    I, too, am a native Southerner. I got the hell out of there as soon as I could, and barf when I hear "Dixie."

    • Naked_Bunny

      It's best to look away, look away, look away from a song that tries to rhyme "born" and "morning".

  • No reparations!! Not for the negroes! Not for the japs! And definitely not for the gay homo's!!!!

    • And no "Slave Reparations" for black farmers that the government admitted they cheated from the 1970s and '80s! When they were slaves! Sez Steve King!1!! He's not a bigot!!! He's not at all racist or misogynist! Those are just "labels" that I'm "programmed" to apply to good people!!!1!

      Thank you. Thank you. That was an excerpt from memory of the essence of a spirited Facebook conversation I had last weekend with a supporter of one of my state's most well-known "Class Acts" of a congressional representative, who "would do anything for anyone."

  • You know that better educated folks are generally less bigoted. So let's cut education funding to buy a Rapter F-35 or whatever those fuckers are called. And here's an infographic, which I could read had I not been homeschooled and stayed up late voting and praying teh gayz away.

  • Fukui-sanYesRadio

    Hey, did little Jimble O'Kweef do one of his voter fraud stunts during this? No? How very strange.

  • rocktonsam

    Soon, in North Carolina, there will be water fountains for regular people and separate ones for teh gheys and their cooties.


  • Negropolis

    "Cow, Negro, dog, gay, all die; Train hits cow; knocks over negro, who falls on dog, who crushes gay."

  • ttommyunger

    What's the difference between North Carolina and a box of rocks? A box of rocks is smarter.

  • NYNYNYjr

    Thanks NC and wonkette- I just read the wiki on miscegenation laws. Alabama was the last state (as it is last in so many things) to remove miscegenation language from its constitution, in 2000, though its laws were already voided by Loving vs Virginia. ALso fun of note:
    "Maryland in 1935 banned marriages between blacks and Filipinos or "Malays"." Some Maryland legislators sobered up enough to go "These damn black and Malay marriages has been sullying the sanctity of matrimony! We's got's to pass an amendment."

  • BZ1

    Remind me, what century is this, again?

  • Douché

    Maybe third generation gays can marry now…

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Wouldn't that be just a bit like writing Loving in a way that allowed states taht already outlawed miscegenation to keep on outlawing it? There's a right, or there's not a right, but whatever the decision, it applies in all 50 states.

    • sullivanst

      Yeah, it would. Nevertheless, Kennedy has a track record (Romer, Lawrence) of upholding the rights of gays in only the narrowest ways available to him at the time, and the 9th Circuit ruling explicitly sought to make itself as narrow as possible.The 9th Circuit's reasoning was that the State of California had recognized a right, and then acted to remove that right from a specific class of its people. A state action to remove a pre-existing right must withstand at least a rational basis test – and because Prop 8 only affected the word “marriage” (important as that is; California has everything-but-marriage civil unions which allow all the other rights and privileges the state grants married couples), and because “protecting marriage” as an excuse entirely failed to come even close to withstanding objective scrutiny in court, the Circuit found that the only explanation which worked for Prop 8 was anti-gay animus, which cannot be considered a rational basis.Because they're analyzing based on the act by one of the states to take away a right that it, not the Federal government, had recognized, they wouldn't be recognizing that right outside of California.This limited approach seems to have been carefully tailored to meet Justice Kennedy's approval; it even cited Romer many times.

  • Aaaaaand, we think North Carolinians are looking to update this because…?

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