Catchin' fliesRend your clothes, tear your hair, and weep weep for Doughy Pantload, as Liberal Fascists have ripped his two Pulitzer Prize nominations from his cold dead hands. Wait, Jonah Goldberg was nominated twice for the Pulitzer Prize? No, and the Pulitzer people are really, really tired of people claiming they were “nominated” when they sent in $50 and six Wheaties box tops.

But what if Jonah Goldberg had been nominated! (He is at least as worthy of the honor as Kathleen Parker!)

Maybe it would have been for this brilliant thing where he suggested the GOP purge known-statist Theodore Roosevelt:

But T.R. saw the State (hopefully with himself at the helm) as the arbiter of what did and did not represent a “benefit” to the community. That this is a deeply statist mindset seems pretty obvious to me, not least because T.R. admits that he thinks this standard should usher in a new era of greater state power and “governmental interference with social and economic conditions.” …. T.R. worship is nonetheless fraught with peril for conservatives.

Teddy Roosevelt is a Communist Socialist Maoist Kenyan, aiyeee! Dig him up and BURN HIM. And that is all we are going to cite in our search for Jonah Goldberg’s Pulitzer-worthy columns, because we can feel our brains and eyeballs turning to Jell-O salad, and so we have to stop.

Anyway, Mr. Pantload has promised to stop saying he had twice been nominated for a Pulitzer Prize, and also it wasn’t he who put that on his book cover, and those, coincidentally, are the same two things he said last time everybody busted him on this.

After the hubbub, Goldberg’s speaker’s bureau removed the Pulitzer claim from his online bio, as documented by Daily Kos.

Goldberg told on Tuesday that he didn’t recall any of this. “In all honesty, I don’t recall ever being ‘called’ on this.”

When contacted on Tuesday by email, Goldberg replied at first, “Nominated by the Tribune syndicate. Never said I was a finalist. There’s a distinction.”

When told that he’s not a nominee either, and isn’t listed among the nominees on the Pulitzer website, Goldberg replied, “I’ll check it out and have ’em remove it if you’re right. Happily. If it’s not kosher, I shouldn’t have it in there. Period.”

Then he emailed them back, but off the record, because he is a profile in courage, the end. [MSNBC/DailyKos]

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  • Come here a minute

    Jonah will have to stop saying, "It's an honor to be nominated," and instead say, "it's an honor to send in my application." Either way: HONOR.

    • Texan_Bulldog

      Someone commented on TPM: I sent my application in to Harvard so that means I graduated from Harvard.

  • MissNancyPriss

    That picture…is awesome.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Goldberg told on Tuesday that he didn’t recall any of this.

    Much like everything else he's ever "written".

    • Serolf_Divad

      He's too busy working on his next ground-breaking Magnum Opus to bother with remembering what was in his last learned tome. At the moment he's writing a book that departs from his earlier work in claiming, not that Hillary Clinton was directly influenced by Adolph Hitler, but rather, that it was Hitler who was influenced by Hillary Clinton. It's a vast work with tons of references that promises to turn the world of Hitler/Clinton scholarship on its head. The National Review has already proclaimed it a work of towering genius, and that's before Goldberg has even set pen to paper!

      • Oblios_Cap

        He'll be writing it on the NRO booze cruise between rounds rolling K-Lo in flour to find the wet spot.

        Too bad she sweats a lot for a fat chick. It's all wet.

  • skoalrebel

    Hey, what's so wrong with tryin' to better yerself? Pretending to have a Polesitter prize is a way of advancing in the world. [spit] Lookit me. I'm tryin' to develop a game app called "Angry Bags." [spit] You launch teabags from a slingshot at niggers holed up in the White House and other national monuments. [spit] Havin' trouble figuring out the damned SDK

  • SexySmurf

    Back when I was an Atlantic City real estate developer, I won second place in a beauty contest. Easiest $10 I ever made.

    • Yeah, well I collected $200 when I passed go.

      • CapnFatback

        Oh, yeah? Well, judging by his literary output, Goldberg collects money when he passes gas.

        • Come here a minute

          Yeah, well I got two-hundred dollars when the bank made an error in my favor. Suck it, BANKSTERS.

    • Serolf_Divad

      You didn't have to take off any clothes, did you?

      • Generation[redacted]

        What happens in Park Place, stays in Park Place.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    "Jonah Tells Whale of Tale;" where have I heard that one before?

  • Surprised he wasn't finalist in the "Non-fictionish" category.

    • Maybe he'd do better if he sent his box tops in for the "Revised History" category.

  • CapnFatback

    "If it’s not kosher, I shouldn’t eat it. But I will anyway. Exclamation point.”

  • Words that should also be pulled from his bio:

    Intelligent, smart, man, fit, insightful and reason.

    • Geminisunmars

      Might want to pull "bio" too.

    • Generation[redacted]

      He'd be left with nothing but prepositions.

  • ElPinche

    Pulitzer for what? That cheeto monster is as useful as a throat polyp.

  • Boojum

    He should be nominated for the Pillsbury Award.

  • GeneralLerong

    Does anyone nowadays see the words "Jonah Goldberg" and not, immediately, think, "Doughy Pantload"?

    Even his mom. Perhaps, especially his mom.

  • Geminisunmars

    Oh, right. It wasn't the Pulitzer Prize — it was the Nobel. My bad.

  • Barb

    E-mailing and getting a reply from Roxanne Pulitzer doesn't count as a nomination for the Pulitzer prize.

    And yes, if you ever find your copy of Playboy with Roxanne on the cover, in your mom's basement, she will sign it for you, Jonah.

    • I thought he was referring to Lilly Pulitzer pants, since everyone KNOWS he's a PANTLOAD.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Gaah…when Jonah gets a Pulitzer it's time to stop reading for all time.

    • BlueJoubert

      The Pulitzer (or lack thereof) was in the WRITING category?

  • timbo71351

    Fat, dumb and stupid is no way to go through life, son….

    • Serolf_Divad

      Appropriate, given that "Liberal Fascism" might as well be titled "Was It Over When the Germans Bombed Pearl Harbor?"

  • CapnFatback

    Jonah Goldberg, putting the Putz in Pulitzer.

  • Oblios_Cap

    You know that your movement sucks when it considers Greenberg to be an intellectual heavyweight.

    At least you would if you possessed any self-awareness.

    • CapnFatback

      Now now, let's not go berg hunting without discrimination. The kind you're speaking of the is of the Gold variety.

      • Oblios_Cap

        My bad. Jonah's so forgettable that I forgot his last name.

      • Greenberg, Goldberg, Iceberg — ONE A YOUSE sank the Titanic!

    • Tundra Grifter

      You mean like Ole Newt is the great thinker in the modern Republican Party?

  • How in the fuck did "Liberal Fascism" become a NYT Bestseller? Since when to wingtards buy books (other than to burn)?

    • SorosBot

      The wingnut "think" tanks also buy up shitloads of copies of right-wing books so that they get on the bestseller lists; that's also why they all give away those books they've got lying around wasting space with various subscriptions.

      • Ah, that actually makes sense. And that's prolly why I received a complimentary e-book from Human Events titled "Why Hitler Voted For Barack Obama", by Steve Doocy.

      • That's kind of how it is, but much more organized. There are certain publishers (like Regnery) that specialize in RWNJ titles/authors, and whenever they have one in the pipeline, they let their good friends who run these RWNJ farms ("think" tanks, media organizations, etc.) know what's coming up when. These organizations (like WingNutDaily, or Heritage, for example) have yearly membership drives and various events that they sponsor. They line up their schedules so that they can order X copies of Y author/title as promo/giveaway, and order that number. That's why, sometimes months before a title is available on the market for the princely sum of $12.99, you'll find it offered as part of your AARP/John Birch Society/KKK/Clog Dancers For America membership renewal package at the low, low price of $1.99.

        So these guys go into their book outlet of choice with orders for 60,000 copies at a shot, and how is the Readers' Club of South Bumfuckiana going to beat that?

        That's all it takes to be a NYT "best-seller," these days. It doesn't say "most widely read," or "best-loved."

      • doloras

        This is EXACTLY how "Dianetics" and "Battlefield Earth" ended up on the bestseller lists.

        • 50 Quatrizillion Copies Sold!

          Edit: I've actually read that book. "Engrams" and such.

        • Stevola

          "Battlefield Earth" is a pretty decent action/adventure story. Someone should write it someday.

  • SorosBot

    Yeah, but he was still totally Time's Person of the Year in 2006.

    Of course, so was I.

  • Radiotherapy

    Yep Jonah, it's not your banal pap writing that has kept you from winning a Pulitzer. It's those fascist statist leftists and their Alinsky tactics.

    • That's writing? I always thought it was Jonah's equivalent of finger-painting with feces.

      • Radiotherapy

        You are so right! And it's probably mommy's poop he's writing with.

        • EW!! Radio, man, my BRAIN just threw up a little in my mouth.


  • Reginald_Perrin

    It kind of explodes the irony meter when the title of the book that contains his bull shit claim is, "The Tyranny of Clichés: How Liberals Cheat in the War of Ideas,"

    • HogeyeGrex

      Well, at least for once he's "writing" about something he has some experience with.

  • edgydrifter

    Did you know I actually won two secret Pulitzers? Yeah, I don't like to brag about them too much, but it's pretty awesome. They gave them to me in Canada. I also have like six Nolbel prizes. My brain is enormous.

  • metamarcisf

    Does this mean James O'Keefe has to return all of HIS Pulitzers?

    • Not till we get to see their long-form certificates of authenticity.

    • BlueJoubert

      Oh, I thought his were Emmy's for Best Fiction Documentary.

  • SexySmurf

    By "Pultizer Prize," he meant "Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest." And by "nominated twice," he meant "disqualified for accidentally eating the skinny Japanese guy."

  • Manhattan123

    And the award for Doughiest Pantsload to Slither out of Lucienne Goldberg's Fruitfly Infested Twat goes to….

    • ttommyunger


    • HogeyeGrex

      Those aren't fruitflies.

  • Looks like Pantload's twice told tales read like Mittens' EtchySketchy campaign manual.

    Plagiarism libel.

  • PeaceWithHonor

    Too bad no Pulitzers for cosplay.

  • James Michael Curley

    I always thought that Jonah Goldberg and Kathleen Parker were the same person; but now I Douthat.

    • dadanarchist

      No no, he's the same person as K-Lo (Kathryn Jean Lopez).

  • Dildeaux

    Real spiders in nature exhibit a newtish girth.

    • Spiderman really let himself go.

      • usernameguy

        I think that's Venom, actually.

    • Generation[redacted]

      This one is of newtish girth, in a purely gingrichian sense.

    • I like your name.

  • LettucePrey

    Well, the Huffington Fucking Post just won a Pulitzer, so I have lost faith in whatever the hell a Pulitzer is supposed to mean anymore.

  • freakishlywrong

    Doughy Pantloads would like you to refrain from comparing them to Jonah. They're offended.

  • Not_So_Much

    Seeing 'Jonah Goldberg' and 'strip' in the same sentence makes me have dark, sad thoughts.

    • (Pats Not_So_Much's shoulder) There, there, sweetie. It gets better. Think of Dan Savage nomming the head of NOM, instead. Nom, nom, nom.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    Couldn't they give him the same prize they gave Walter Duranty? The prize for "Outstanding Service In Whitewashing the Crimes of a Murderous, Corrupt and Authoritarian Ideology"?

  • MosesInvests

    Dear Editrix-as long as that Jello salad doesn't have olives in it, you should make a full and speedy recovery.

  • vodkamuppet

    "TR actually did some shit for the common good. RINO!" The old lion may be dead but we should probably kill him again, just to be sure.

  • rickmaci

    You know what other diatribe spewing right winger padded his resume with credit for things he had not done?

    • anniegetyerfun

      Alberto Gonzales?

    • vodkamuppet


      • Generation[redacted]

        Brainy Smurf, also.

    • HogeyeGrex

      All of them, Katie.

    • Gee, Dumb? Yeah, Bush! ??

    • Chk Grsly

  • prommie

    "Statist" is a bad thing? "Government" in and of itself if a bad thing? What the fucking fuckety fucking fuck is wrong with these people? Where do they come up with such notions? Who gave them the idea that "nature red in tooth and claw" was a desireable state? Where did they get the idea that "A Christmas Carol" is the tragic tail of a man's betrayal of his sound conservative principals and his his downfall as he turns to compassion and kindness? How, please someone tell me how, did they all get their heads this far up their own asses?

    • Tundra Grifter

      The right wing nutz are convinced "statist" is a bad thing because Off-the-Mark Levin told them so.

    • GeneralLerong

      I blame the obesity epidemic.

    • HistoriCat

      Ronnie "Government is not the solution, government is the problem" Reagan?

    • lulzmonger

      With help from Goatse-Guy?

  • I thought Republicans were more into burning books than writing them?

  • JustPixelz

    "T.R. worship is nonetheless fraught with peril for conservatives."

    Nonetheless? That contradicts his preceding statements. Oh well, I'm no Pulitzer prize giver out … nonetheless.

    Anyway, there isn't a single past Republican president the current GO Pee'ers would nominate today. Except Dubya Bush. Romney want to be Dubya's third term. Repubicans love Bush and his balls so much they want to find a couple boulders to add to Mount Rushmore.

    • trondant

      Yeah, about that – if you want to find balls on that guy, start with his chin.

  • owhatever

    He lied.

  • Being a Pulitzer Prize nominee seems to be as prestigious as winning a Little League Participation trophy.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Two hours later, after appearing on a radio show about the Tuesday primary voting, Goldberg sent a longer answer in email, but insisted that it be off the record. He was asked to provide a comment on the record, but declined.

    For holy fuck's sake, MSNBC — publish the goddamn whiny diatribe already. Does a person automatically have the right not to be quoted on his bullshit excuses just because he says it's off the record? Jonah Goldberg fucks chickens while smoking crack. That's off the record, by the way, so nobody actually sees that, okay? Really, I don't understand journalism.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Strictly off the record, I'm not wearing pants.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Journalists rely heavily on sources who speak off the record. Any journalist who fails to observe the rules won't get anything, from anybody, ever again, which rather takes the fun out of the job. When your boss finds out that you're now useless, it may even take the job out of the job. Not to mention that "burning the source" may have legal consequences.

      Much as you'd like to see an exception made for sources who are lying douchebags, the consensus is that the rule works best if it's absolute, because you never know when your lying douchebag of a source might turn out to be an honest (just this one time) douchebag.

      That said, what the fuck Goldbrick accomplished with an off-the-record retraction is beyond me … the redacted bio speaks for itself. Hard to believe he's too dimiwitted to put out an honest-but-disingenuous "I was unable to verify that I had been nominated."

  • SheriffJoeBiden

    All kidding aside, apart from his racism (de rigeuer in his time) and crazy militarism (always in fashion), Teddy Roosevelt was pretty awesome.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Any President who can inspire Bart Simpson to learn history, deserves some credit.

      • SheriffJoeBiden

        At least he actually fought in a damn war. And I give him a major pass on the big game hunting–I think he did it out of a deep interest in these animals and a respect for nature.

        He wrote: "All hunters should be nature-lovers. It is to be hoped that the days of mere wasteful, boastful slaughter are past, and that from now on the hunter will stand foremost in working for the preservation and perpetuation of the wild life, whether big or little."

        Oh and Wonkette so you know who ALSO exaggerates his credentials? All of them, Katie.

    • CivicHoliday

      Founder of the conservation movement, hero to all those who love National Parks. Pretty annoying, frankly, that the two best periods for environmental progress came during the administrations of jackoff republicans (TR and Nixon).

    • doloras

      Also, he pushed the Repubs into third place in 1912, and he didn't shoot the baby bear. :D

  • Wha? I don't find it so hard to believe he won a Putz Prize.

  • JoeHoya

    He was also Time Person of the Year in 2006.

  • mormos

    This isn’t really the place for this, but I (don’t care) have been thinking about this for a while and you are a knowledgeable bunch and I (mostly) respect your opinions; so I would like to ask ya’ll a question, though it requires a measure of preface.

    I’ve seen movies like Metropolis and Iron Man, played games like bioshock, and read the wikis, so I have a (perhaps tenuous) understanding of the Randian Ideal. We are all aware of what a fictional Randian society looks like (functional?), but what are the real world prospects for such a place. What would a society based on objectivism (selfishness) look like over the long term? Can such a society even exist, or would it degenerate into chaos?

    Please share your thoughts on what an actually objectivist society would look like over the long term, given your understanding of the philosophy, and your understanding of people.

    • Generation[redacted]

      I once saw a National Geographic TV show about monkeys fighting over a shrinking watering hole during a drought. That's what I imagine it to be.

      • prommie

        Exactly, precisely this. Except the monkeys are organized into groups, packs, primitive "states" themselves, so maybe it would be even worse.

    • I would chain-smoke cigarettes and collect Social Security. Like Rand.

    • prommie

      It would look like amazon rain forest hunter-gatherer societies. It would look like Somalia. Its really very simple. There would be no art, no culture, no literature, no science, no trade, no cities, no civilization, just a harsh hand to mouth existence punctuated by constant warfare. Life would be "nasty, brutish, and short," not unlike Ayn herself.

    • George Spelvin

      Anarchy. Badly organized, dirt-poor, subsistence-living anarchy.

    • Stevola

      Have you seen "Hunger Games"?

  • MissTaken

    I'm the Greatest Daughter In The World. I even have the coffee mug to prove it. Suck it, losers!

    • SorosBot

      Maybe, but I was disappointed to find out that the World's Greatest Grandma and Grandpa committee hands out so many awards that they're practically worthless.

  • mormos

    Dig up Teddy and they might not like it when he wakes up to snap their spines for being irritating douche bags.

  • Generation[redacted]

    Did you know I was twice nominated also? I can say this without fear of being called on it, because really who's going to care.

  • Over at Crooked Timber, they propose a new award worthy of Jonah Goldberg's journalistic work: The Toolitzers.

  • mavenmaven

    I nominate him for a Darwin award.

  • Smithboy

    Goldberg is cut from the same cloth as Bloody Bill Kristol, Judith (WMD's are there…I'm sure of it) Miller, Charles Krauthammer, John Bolton and the list goes on. Basically, he has once again joined forces with the Israel first cabal and thier push for the US to fight another unnecessary proxy war for Israel. While the goyas give their lives fighting in the neocon inspired wars, nice Jewish boys like Jonah continue to stuff their faces with burgers and fries, washed down with milk shakes while watching TV in their footie Pjs.

    • prommie

      Paid agents of the Isreali government, they all are, but noone seems to mind. If you mind, that means you are an anti-semite.

  • OneYieldRegular

    What? Jonah Goldberg caught inflating his self-worth? Stop the presses.

  • Tundra Grifter

    This reminds me of that doctor who kept telling Sheer uh "Am i uh An Idiot?" uh InSannity that poor Terri Schiavo was really alive and well.

    He claimed to have been nominated for a Nobel prize in medicine, until it turned out that was a lie. Then InSannity claimed he'd never made a big deal out of it.

  • Ducksworthy

    It seems that "pundit" doesn't mean what I thought it meant. Apparently, it involves inflamed rectal tissue, to be synonymous with Jonah Goldberg.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Come on, Jonah, just claim you won a Peabody. That worked for Bill O'Reilly.

  • DahBoner

    That's because brain-dead Conservatives don't qualify for the Pullitzer award, because it's based on merit.

    Conservatives should instead concentrate on the Just Making Shit Up award or the Lying My Ass Off award, which they can totally dominate…

  • CivicHoliday

    I myself have been published in several anthologies of breakout modern poetry, for the low low price of $15 plus shipping and handling.

  • ttommyunger

    On the bright side, his Dam, Lucienne Goldberg, still holds the "Cunt of the Year" Award, along with her soul-sibling, Linda Tripp; so he's got that going for him, which is nice.

  • DonnyKerabotsos

    From the MSNBC posting:

    "What's surprising in Goldberg's case is that he has been called out for the same résumé padding before, when his previous book was published."

    Surprising? Really? This is surprising?

    Look, I know we have abused words like 'freedom' and 'patriot' and 'treason' and 'truth' beyond any semblence of their original and true meaning, but there is nothing 'surprising' about this famously known and well-documented liar lying.

    I'm more disgusted by that statement than I am by the doughboy's resume inflation.

    MSNBC. If it weren't for Rachel Maddow, you'd be CNN.

  • Callyson

    T.R. worship is nonetheless fraught with peril for conservatives.

    That would explain why my Dad went from being a Reagan Republican to an Obamican. (RIP, Dad…)

  • Pull it, sir!

  • Interestingly an anagram of Pulitzer is Putz Lier.

  • Wow, the guy whose sole accomplishment is a screed that compared Democrats to Hitler was caught telling lies?

  • Slim_Pickins

    Well self-nomination is strictly speaking a nomination. When you have epistemological closure your nomination is self-validating, too.

  • lulzmonger

    The Goldberg Gambit: If at first you don't succeed, just try the exact same stupid shit you did before, but WISH FOR IT TO WORK REALLY REALLY HARD THIS TIME.

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