WATCH OUT HE MIGHT POKE YOU  2:56 pm May 9, 2012

Reverse Racism! Young White Person Unjustly Profiled For Wearing Hoodie

by Josh Fruhlinger

AUTHORITIES WARN THAT HE IS STILL AT LARGEHow many times will this tragedy repeat itself? A young person with great potential and maybe a few minor misdeeds in his past tries to go somewhere that he as an American has every right to go. But immediately the small-time powers in that land view him with mistrust, all because he chooses to wear a simple, functional sweatshirt with a hood that some people have wrongly associated with criminality, and maybe now he won’t be able to achieve his lofty goals. Oh, did we mention that this young man is white? Did we just blow your mind, race-pimps?

Here, check out Michael Pachter, a stock analyst (the “neighborhood watch” of the financial world) letting loose with all kinds of bigoted talk about how Mark Zuckerberg wears a hoodie and that proves that he’s just a thug who stone cold doesn’t give a shit about the opinions law-abiding Americans:

With this solid proof that hoodie-hate transcends racial categories, we now call upon all the agitators who have descended upon Florida in the wake of the Trayvon Martin case to stop playing the race card constantly and instead work to stop all prejudice against innocent head-protecting garments worn by a diverse rainbow of Americans, black and white and rich and poor alike.

Experts agree that, no matter how the Facebook IPO performs, Mark Zuckerberg will be a billionaire who will never have to work another day in his life if he doesn’t want to, and also that the chances of him being gunned down by someone who thought he was a criminal are essentially nil. [Bloomberg]

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 75 comments }

Barb May 9, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Now you can own a piece of the website that completely owns you by buying their stock.

Mittens Howell, III May 9, 2012 at 3:15 pm

*like*

Barb May 9, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Hey, I am going to be out tonight. Could you water my crops in FarmVille for me, please.

Mittens Howell, III May 9, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Sure. How does it work? Do I just tip the watering can over my keyboard?

Barb May 9, 2012 at 4:55 pm

The hose is faster. If you stay on Facebook too long you will get private message from people you barely remember from high school.

Come here a minute May 9, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Michael Pachter will stand his ground against any threats to Wedbush Securities.

SayItWithWookies May 9, 2012 at 3:02 pm

“Mark and his signature hoodie: He’s actually showing investors he doesn’t care that much; he’s going to be him,” Pachter said in an interview on Bloomberg TV. “I think that’s a mark of immaturity. I think that he has to realize he’s bringing investors in as a new constituency right now, and I think he’s got to show them the respect that they deserve because he’s asking them for their money.”

Someone needs to get hit in the face with a spoonful of buttered peas.

SorosBot May 9, 2012 at 3:08 pm

That's a lot of words to say, "Kids get off my lawn!!"

sullivanst May 9, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Pachter seems remarkably unaware of the significance of the phrase "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

The last thing Zuckerburg should be doing before IPO is changing the way he does things – the way he does things is why he's a billionaire and the Facebook IPO is going to suck up all the money in the world, the end.

actor212 May 9, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Or……….he *could* be bringing a whole new class of "investors" to the "market" who will be young and naive and might even be stupid enough to get up at a "shareholders meeting" and ask uncomfortable "questions" of the "board of directors," that "analists" [sic] like Pachter will be scratching their heads, wondering why it never occured to them that "questions" were fair game.

ChrisM2011 May 9, 2012 at 3:55 pm

A good waste of buttered peas, if you ask me (Go ahead… ASK!)

Generation[redacted] May 9, 2012 at 5:09 pm

"…he’s asking them for their money.”

Ummm. No. You suits are asking him if you can please invest and get rich.

He should just hand them one of his old business cards, "I'm CEO, bitch"

nounverb911 May 9, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Just wait until Zuckerberg donates a zillion dollars to Colbert's PAC.

ttommyunger May 9, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Hoodie libel.

Wonderthing May 9, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Today we are all hoodies. With woodies. Up to no goodies.

Wile E. Quixote May 9, 2012 at 3:04 pm

If I were Mark Zuckerberg after Facebook's IPO I'd use some of my newfound billions to hire thugs and have Michael Pachter's legs broken, just because I could.

finallyhappy May 9, 2012 at 3:42 pm

hell, we'd do it for free or less than a billion anyway

MissTaken May 9, 2012 at 3:04 pm

MissTaken likes this post.

Tengu May 9, 2012 at 3:05 pm

The sky is the limit for Facebook, it's the best place to see meal photos from people you knew in high school.

actor212 May 9, 2012 at 3:16 pm

With context sensitive advertising.

SorosBot May 9, 2012 at 3:06 pm

"diverse rainbow of Americans"

You mean like Rainbow Brite? We have to kill the Americans!

nounverb911 May 9, 2012 at 3:06 pm

What's Facebook?

sullivanst May 9, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Michael Pachter – the biggest media whore in the history of professional security analysis.

actor212 May 9, 2012 at 3:20 pm

RICK SANTELLI LIBEL!

sullivanst May 9, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Nah, Santelli's a professional media whore. He's never had the job title of "securities analyst".

widestanceromance May 9, 2012 at 3:07 pm

OT: umm, wow. Obama has evolved!

MissTaken May 9, 2012 at 3:08 pm

This is a big fucking deal.

Yay!

widestanceromance May 9, 2012 at 3:13 pm

I know, right? I'm at work, and sitting as low as I can in my chair right now, so as not to ruin the carefully built-up impression that I am an unfeeling bastard and no one better fuck with me.

Am I human yet?

Mumbly_Joe May 9, 2012 at 3:24 pm

I'm as thrilled as the next one, but it really would have been a bigger fucking deal if he'd scheduled that interview for just a bit earlier this week.

Not actually serious about playing the pessimist, though; as SBot said, the fact that he's endorsing same-sex marriage before the election is incredible enough. Just still sucks for my North Carolina friends, is all.

sullivanst May 9, 2012 at 3:14 pm

My man crush on him just got bigger.

SorosBot May 9, 2012 at 3:15 pm

I'm pleasantly surprised; I never thought he would openly support same-sex marriage until after the election.

widestanceromance May 9, 2012 at 3:24 pm

I was prepared for an excruciating word dance around it today, too.

actor212 May 9, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Maybe he'll divorce Michelle and marry Joe O'Biden now.

DIBS!

widestanceromance May 9, 2012 at 3:25 pm

I thought he was secretly married to Saul Alinsky?

actor212 May 9, 2012 at 3:27 pm

And Bill Ayers.

He's turning Mormon too.

Crank_Tango May 9, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Yeah yeah yeah, wait till Monsanto takes over Farmvile.

edgydrifter May 9, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Guess what, Pachter? Your bitchy demands to be shown respect because you have money don't work very well on someone who has way more money than you. FYI.

Mittens Howell, III May 9, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Back to your cubicle, Pachter, and straighten up that fucking tie you disrespectful hack!

Ducksworthy May 9, 2012 at 3:08 pm

This proves it. Facebook is doomed. Thank the Gawds.

BigSkullF*ckingDog May 9, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Obvs, it would be dumb to go around asking for money in a fancy suit, Lookin like you don't need it.

DemmeFatale May 9, 2012 at 3:09 pm

I see "Douche Bag Day" is continuing…

ManchuCandidate May 9, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Respect Mah Constituency of rich guys with money.

Poindexter718 May 9, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Pay attention to this guy. Wedbush Securities is the Friendster of brokerage firms.

Maman May 9, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Why not just say teenagers suck? That is what the hoodie represents to me.

anniegetyerfun May 9, 2012 at 3:24 pm

I'll say it: anyone under the age of 30 pretty much sucks. Excepting some of our younger Wonketteers, of course.

chicken_thief May 9, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Bill Belichick LIBELZ!!!!!

GOPCrusher May 9, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Well, they spent the better part of the last two months telling everyone that would listen that only armed thugs looking to rape white women, murder, and steal would actually wear a hoodie.
Having a billionaire rocking one, kind of flies in the face of that logic. I suppose next, Zuckerberg will publically state that he also feels he doesn't pay his fair share in taxes.

coolhandnuke May 9, 2012 at 3:13 pm

WEDBUSH Securities..what a swell name. Are they in the business of protecting newlywed, hirsute vaheenahs?

DaRooster May 9, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Yep, stone cold thug that Zuckerman…

SorosBot May 9, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Well of course you can't trust young men in hoodies; I mean Anakin Skywalker wore a hoodie robe and look how he turned out.

anniegetyerfun May 9, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Obi Wan libel!

GOPCrusher May 9, 2012 at 4:08 pm

These are not the thugs you are looking for.

OneYieldRegular May 9, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Just wait until this guy sees Steve Jobs wearing jeans and a sweatshirt.

Never mind.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 9, 2012 at 3:17 pm

that the chances of him being gunned down by someone who thought he was a criminal are essentially nil.

Don't tell that to the Winklevoss twins.

RedneckMuslin May 9, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Oh yeah! What about the spinners on the limo?

I'm not prejudiced or nothin'.

rickmaci May 9, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Today we are all Mark Zuckerberg (other than the billions of $$$)

LettucePrey May 9, 2012 at 3:21 pm

You know who ELSE wore a hoodie?

actor212 May 9, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Little Red Riding?

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 9, 2012 at 3:39 pm

The Klan?

chicken_thief May 9, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Let me think….. hmmm… I'm pretty sure Levi never does….

GOPCrusher May 9, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Torquemada?

Generation[redacted] May 9, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Death?

redarmyzombie May 10, 2012 at 1:01 am

Zarathustra?

PuckStopsHere May 9, 2012 at 3:22 pm

I'm not saying Michael Pachter is a tightass, but he must shit b-b's. He wouldn't understand the very concept of being ones self. Because he himself is an empty suit who has no self to be.

mavenmaven May 9, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Because if you are white and wear a hoodie it means you are a "goddammed n****r lover" and also in need of killing.

chicken_thief May 9, 2012 at 4:01 pm

And a Travolta loving goddamn sword swallower. Also. Too.

Dudleydidwrong May 9, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Let's see: Zuckerberg is "immature" because he wears a hoodie and he is worth a bagazillion bucks. Hell, I have a couple of hoodies and can be really, really immature. When does my first million come in, Pachter? Any time, now, buddy, any time now…I'm waiting…

owhatever May 9, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Is this guy for real? He becomes a billionaire genius while wearing a hoodie and suddenly investors are going to not invest in Facebook, which he built, because he won't change? Le Bullsheet.

ChrisM2011 May 9, 2012 at 3:57 pm

From now on, Zuckerberg should take on these meetings wearing nothing but a dickey.

Billmatic May 9, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Man, I sure hope he's wearing a Wu-Tang hoodie.

larrykat May 9, 2012 at 4:46 pm

So "showing respect" to these .1 percent assholes means wearing a monkey suit? They need their egos massaged more by a "real" businessman? Then take your own advice and don't buy in, you megalomanic dipshit.

Thedongsofwar May 9, 2012 at 5:34 pm

"He's going to keep doing what he does"

Making hundreds of millions off of something people are willing to do for free?

Biel_ze_Bubba May 9, 2012 at 5:49 pm

"he’s going to be him . . . I think that’s a mark of immaturity."

Working on Wall Street REALLY sucks the soul of you.

Slim_Pickins May 9, 2012 at 6:19 pm

I guess its the thought that counts.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 9, 2012 at 5:44 pm

No shit. I got a facebook page just so I could fricking register at web sites, turned on all 27 secret hidden security features, told facebook nothing but my name, posted nothing, and told nobody about it … and I'm getting facebook-related crap on a daily basis, including invitations to connect with family members, with handy links to their facebook pages. How the fuck do they know who my family members are???
Scary shit — it's like they put a fucking keylogger on your computer when you sign up.

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