Be Very Afraid: The Only Witness To Death Of Breitbart Has ‘Vanished’

  yup still dead

Wooooooooo I'm a ghostWell, that seals it. Barack Obama’s body count is now almost as high as the murderous Clinton Crime Family’s! Whom is he capping? (That is gang talk, because Barack Obama is a Chicago thug.) Anybody and everybody who might have led to the Ghost of Breitbart releasing something way awesomer about Bill Ayers than the sad dud “Vettening” he posthumously laid.

WingNutDaily, having first brought us the news of the mysterious death by maybe-poisoning of a coroner’s tech who may or may not have worked on the case of Dead Breitbart (he didn’t), now has another link in this case of murder most foul, and it really ties the whole room together. What’s the latest SCOOP? They couldn’t find the “sole witness” to his death, because he might have moved. That is a mysterious “vanishing” indeed!

Lay it out for us, paranoid schizophrenic on the bus WND, in your investigative masterpiece “NOW A WITNESS TO BREITBART’S DEATH VANISHES!”

After recruiting the assistance of private investigators, WND found that [Christopher] Lasseter, the 26-year-old witness who saw Breitbart drop dead, is no longer residing at his last known address in California.

At the request of WND, Ohio-based private investigator Susan Daniels recruited a California-based private investigator to find Lasseter. The local investigator tried without success to find a cell phone or landline phone number for Lasseter.

After determining that Lasseter lived with his parents, Thornton, age 64, and Elaine, age 56, at a Los Angeles address, the investigator visited the residence in-person to see if he could make contact.

During the visit, the investigator reported, no one picked up the phone when he dialed the Lasseter apartment number outside the building. But he was greeted by a voice recording that identified different people at the apartment by first name, with none of the names on the recording being Christopher, Thornton or Elaine.

The investigator concluded Christopher Lasseter had “hunkered down” in what seemed to be an attempt to avoid further questioning.

He was unsure Lasseter was still residing at the address and considered it possible that Lasseter had moved.

That is veeeery suspicious, WND. But you got anything else, just to make sure the whole Case Of How Barack Obama Will Not Stop Murdering Breitbart Witnesses is airtight?

On the day the Los Angeles County coroner released Breitbart’s autopsy report, a photographic technician at the coroner’s office died suddenly of suspicious causes.

In addition, at the Conservative Political Action Conference in Washington, D.C., just three weeks before Breitbart’s death – where he promised to unveil “damning” new video evidence of Barack Obama’s radical past that would change the election – Breitbart gave WND details of his upcoming revelations.

He claimed to WND that he had a video showing radical Weather Underground terrorist Bill Ayers and Barack Obama at Harvard planning revolution in the United States. But the video, aired just after he died, was of Obama introducing a radical Harvard professor, and the general response was flat..

Andrew Breitbart would never promise a scoop he did not have, so it must have been somehow stolen after he was murdered, and then a “photographic” tech who did not work on his body was murdered for what he knew (nothing), and that this third guy is murdered too most likely, or else in hiding for fear of his life, from Barack Obama. But is there perhaps another opinion?

Filmmaker Steve Bannon, appointed executive chairman of the Breitbart News Network after Breitbart’s death, has insisted to WND that the media mogul died of natural causes and to suggest anything else is irresponsible.

“Breitbart had an enlarged heart,” Bannon told WND. “He had been hospitalized for the problem last year and told to lose weight that he did not lose.”

Obviously, Bannon is afraid of being murdered next. Will Barack Obama’s crime spree never end? Impeach. [WND]

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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117 comments

  1. Arken

    The only reason to change phone numbers or addresses is if you were a witness in an Obama-backed assassination plot. It all makes sense.

  2. Doktor StrangeZoom

    So, if someone doesn't immediately make himself available to talk to conspiracy loons, that makes him part of (or a victim of) the conspiracy. Sure, why not.

  3. Reginald_Perrin

    Of course he was murdered, there is no way I am going to believe the lies about Breitfart having a heart

  4. Preferred Customer

    “Breitbart had an enlarged heart,” Bannon told WND.

    So, just like the ending of the Grinch, then? Breitbart died because he loved too much.

  5. skoalrebel

    Breitbart had an enlarged heart because he cared so much for America. [spit!] I aspire to be that sort of light in the darkness that is Obama's America. Think of me as a glowing crack pipe of truth in the dreary gloaming. [spit!] Yeah, I admit it, I'm a dreamer. [spit!]

  6. Goonemeritus

    Why are we spending all this effort to silence one voice when FEMA death camps would be so much more efficient?

  7. EatsBabyDingos

    New book reveals Breitbart's heart had enlarged three times it's original size. Then Max pushed him off the cliff with the sled full of toys. It is a comedy.

  8. Poindexter718

    And/too, Breitbart's personal assistant's last name was "Foster" and Vince Foster's secretary's last name was "Wanker."

  9. memzilla

    "Andrew Breitbart would never promise a scoop he did not have."

    Namely, Wingtard Swirl with Extra Nuts.

  10. iburl

    I'm sure the WingNutDaily will find a witness that will testify that it was Obama in the Library with the Candlestick holder.

  11. Doktor StrangeZoom

    Concert violinist Roman Totenberg died yesterday at the age of 101. Clearly, the Obama plot got to him, too–as a warning to his daughter, NPR's Nina Totenberg, who would have been in a position to expose the administration's perfidy. The centenarian's death was attributed to "natural causes" by medical examiners, who were almost certainly frightened for their own safety.

    1. FakaktaSouth

      I'm fairly certain they got Maurice Sendak, the guy who thought up The Pyramid and Price is Right, AND Adam MCA Yauch. This has been a busy, busy week for the Obama-Death-Patrol.

      1. Doktor StrangeZoom

        Actually, I'm somewhat surprised that the Wingosphere hasn't gone nuts explaining how Sendak is roasting in hell for being an atheist sodomite. His books encouraged wild rumpuses, frolicking naked in cake batter, and talking back to your elders, after all. Worse, he did that one book about homeless children that didn't even condemn Poors for owning appliances

        1. FakaktaSouth

          LOVE LOVE LOVE.
          Maurice said, "There MUST be more to life than having everything" – so yeah, that fucker's in 1% right wing hell for sure.

          He and Colbert were ADORABLE together.

        2. Lionel[redacted]Esq

          The problem is that most Wingosphere members secretly want to frolic naked in cake batter, even if they never would.

          Still, I kept thinking last night as I listen to Fresh Air's retrospective on Sendak just how sad it must be to grow up and never know the wonder of reading Where the Wild Things Are or In the Night Kitchen. No wonder most Conservatives are so humorless.

      2. LetUsBray

        When are they going to get to Limbaugh? Clearly the Obama-Death-Patrol is morally weak.

        1. BerkeleyBear

          I'm guessing because of all the nanny state OSHA regs on dealing with super dense, toxic and bulky objects. Fucking red tape – real Americans wouldn't stand for it.

          1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

            Have any of you even seen the regulations you have to follow to get your death squad properly licensed? No wonder hirings in the Assassination business are at an all time low under Obama.

        2. Lionel[redacted]Esq

          Part of the problem is the tanker full of poison you would need to kill something as big as a Limbaugh is hard to sneak around with.

  12. FakaktaSouth

    "having first brought us the news of the mysterious death by maybe poisoing of a coroner’s tech"

    Ew, I believe it. Whoever cut into that dead, bloated carc-ass was probably overtaken by the most powerful blast of methane-hate-fumes imaginable.

    And as long as Breitbart stays dead, I'm fine with whatever, really.

    1. memzilla

      Did you also notice that no one has released Breitbart's long-form death certificate?

    2. sullivanst

      I'd be willing to bet they already have someone of a similar caliber on the case. In fact, I'd lay down good money that the unnamed "California-based private investigator" is a Sankey

  13. Goonemeritus

    “Breitbart had an enlarged heart,” Bannon told WND. “He had been hospitalized for the problem last year and told to lose weight that he did not lose.”

    It is almost diabolical how the administration has focused on healthy eating knowing full well how real Americans conditioned to do just the opposite of this administrations initiatives would react

  14. deanbooth

    I think I see what's happened. Obama murdered Jerome Corsi and replaced him with an impostor to write articles that embarrass and discredit WND. Mission accomplished!

  15. ph7

    I'd go into retirement, too, if I was fortunate enough to witness Breitbart dropping dead. I mean, everything else after that is gravy.

    1. Judith_Priest

      I only live 4 miles away from the spot where he bought it!

      How I wish I had seen it with my own eyes.

  16. Steverino247

    The Earth needs to lose the weight of anybody who believes this bullshit.

  17. WhatTheHolyHeck

    Clearly Michelle's anti-obesity campaign was merely a ploy to establish plausible deniability. The Obammers were secretly pumping Breitbart full of cholesterol by IV while he slept.

  18. metamarcisf

    Looks like a case for Frank and Joe, and their trusted fat-boy sidekick, Chet Morton.

  19. Terry

    "“Breitbart had an enlarged heart,” Bannon told WND. “He had been hospitalized for the problem last year and told to lose weight that he did not lose.”"

    Jaysus, a voice of frickin reason amongst the wingnuts. How soon before they run him out of their Internet bubble on a rail?

    1. GOPCrusher

      Just made it easier for the cover-up of the crime. If Breitbart was healthy, questions may have come up about his demise.

  20. Serolf_Divad

    Filmmaker Steve Bannon, appointed executive chairman of the Breitbart News Network after Breitbart’s death, has insisted to WND that the media mogul died of natural causes and to suggest anything else is irresponsible.

    “Breitbart had an enlarged heart,” Bannon told WND.

    Now I know Breitbart was murdered and this guy was in on it. Everyone knows Breitbart had a tiny heart made of coal, shards of broken glass and old cigarette butts held together with an oily mix of bile and garden soil.

  21. CapnFatback

    Anybody and everybody who might have led to the Ghost of Breitbart releasing something way awesomer about Bill Ayers than the sad dud “Vettening” he posthumously laid.

    WingNutDaily, having first brought us the news of the mysterious death by maybe poisoing of a coroner’s tech

    Becca, dearest, let the powers of caffeine talk full effect before finding the courage to write about such World Net Daily mind-queefs. The toxicity of the subject matter has done scrambled your editing bone.

  22. SorosBot

    Wait, so a guy who witnessed Breitbart's death kept getting contacted by right-wing conspiracy theorists who believe the angry drunk was murdered, and then he suddenly became impossible for the conspiracy theorists to to get a hold of? Yep, clearly he's been disappeared by the administration, and didn't say change his phone number to avoid further harassment by the World Nut Daily lunatics.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Well, he never denied seeing the President standing over the corpse with a smoking gun in his hand.

  23. Chet Kincaid

    You know who else named "Lasseter" in Los Angeles is at the center of elaborate, hard to believe fantasies involving the coordinated efforts of countless technicians, the evidence of which is contained in bombshell films?!

    1. BerkeleyBear

      See, I thought this was a Psych reference, but that guy's not in many movies.

  24. Mumbletypeg

    "For all sad words of tongue and pen
    The saddest are these:
    "It might have been…
    this suspicious cross-connection
    or
    that speculative turn-of-events"
    <<insert abstruse hypothetical underpinning to Obama that implicates the Kenyan Usurper's ultimate complicity in Breitbart's demise and other wingnutty diminishing returns>>

    1. tessiee

      when you say "abstruse", do you mean abstruse in the sense of recondite?

      [one jillion upfists for anyone who gets where this reference is from]

      1. Mumbletypeg

        who gets where this reference is from

        I have on good authority it is borrowed from John Greenleaf the Wittier.

        I do not have on good authority how my judgment became clouded on choosing 'abstruse' — I wanted to go with obtuse, but found that this describes more a person's qualities (say, Sarah Palin) whereas 'abstruse' describes the ideas coming from them (Palin's word salads)

  25. chicken_thief

    "…recruited a California-based private investigator to find Lasseter."

    Jake Gittes is on it!!!

    1. Generation[redacted]

      This is what happens, Lasseter, when you find a stranger in the Alps.

  26. OneYieldRegular

    The investigator concluded that Lasseter had "hunkered down" in an attempt to avoid a roving band of nuts from pestering him with questions so conspiratorially insane that even the producer of "Sightings" would have bolted the door and gone out through the bathroom window.

  27. littlebigdaddy

    Yeah, it's pretty hard to believe than an overweight alcoholic with rage issues might die of a heart attack. It has to be Obama's fault.

  28. smitallica

    You can keep trying, WND, but nobody outside your little paranoia party is ever going to give a fuck about this asshole and how or why he died. Ever.

  29. DaRooster

    Strange that a guy who apparently didn't take good care of himself drops dead and it's a huge "Obama did it" thing…
    Whilst nothing is said when Repugnants carve the shit out of programs and watch poor kids starve to fucking death because of their "ideals".

    1. Doktor StrangeZoom

      No one in America is actually poor or hungry, don't you see. Most own TV's and basic kitchen appliances.

      Also, a right-wing blogger saw a fat black lady at McDonalds, so there is no poverty or hunger anywhere. CUT FOOD STAMPS NOW!

  30. Jus_Wonderin

    Am I the only one that wants video of his croakage so I can micro edit it for my political purposes??? I'd put a big cock in his mouth and have him choking on it (not that there's anything wrong with that).

  31. Chow Yun Flat

    At the request of WND, Ohio-based private investigator Susan Daniels recruited a California-based private investigator to find Lasseter.

    So the California guy couldn't find a phone number for Lasseter, decided he must be living with his parents and then got a wrong number for the parents, a wrong number that didn't answer and sent a bill. WND really got taken for suckers by this California sharpy.

    1. Biff

      Something tells me he's either not very good at his jerb, or he simply does not care for WND.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        Both. Most "PI" types that I've worked with are mainly process servers/divorce evidence gatherers who are fine as long as you give them very specific locations and limited tasks, but suck terribly at doing actual "investigations". Fuck, stick a true debt collector/skip tracer on him, though, and he'd get found.

  32. Naked_Bunny

    Given that Brietbart's shtick in the last few years has been to publish staged hit pieces, it seems like the most likely suspect isn't Obama, it's O'Keefe.

  33. Biff

    I was somehow still awake during the 11:00 news last night, and was deeply saddened by the crack Las Vegas NV CBS affiliate's news team's aggregating of a WND "scoop" on internet predators.

  34. elburritodeluxe

    Different people answered the number we had and nobody came to the door. Welp… we're at an investigative dead end here, people. The President of the United States must have killed Breitbart.

  35. anniegetyerfun

    If I had WND calling me constantly for information about what I'd saw, I'd flee the goddamn country. Can you imagine trying to hold a phone conversation with one of those mentally deranged people?

    1. Judith_Priest

      That's fine. I've been alive for a long time, and besides — there's a Danger of More Republican Government. I wouldn't mind meeting my Maker if that happens.

  36. SaintRond

    You know, with all the rabble rousing that goes on this site, I can't help having the sense that, and yes, the horror too, imagining that someday very soon one of these readers might get really drunk, buy a shovel and steal this poor man's corpse.

    Just sayin'.

    1. Judith_Priest

      No need to desecrate the remains. I'll be satisfied just to dance a jig on his grave.

      1. SaintRond

        I just had a wonderful idea – selling tours where decent, caring and honest Americans who work hard and play by the rules, can get on a bus and visit the graves of notably swinish Republicans and pee on them.

  37. barto

    Another overlooked fact is that for every day of the 43 years leading up to Brietbart's death, tens of thousands of children died of hunger! Will Obama stop at nothing?!?!?

  38. tessiee

    You know, I'd managed to ignore this guy when he was alive, and therefore, I don't know very much about him — but did he suffer from severe depression or something?
    All kidding aside, look back at that picture and tell me he's not on the verge of bursting into tears.

  39. comrad_darkness

    If you were breitbart's neighbor, wouldn't you forget him as fast as you could too?

  40. timbo71351

    Where is Brietbart buried anyhow? If I'm ever in Southern California, I would like to know of a good place to pee. Or did the family just flush his ashes down the toilet?

  41. mormos

    Why can’t these loons just admit that Breitbart ate one too many cheeseburgers and died of a heart attack? You know, the same way 25% of Americans die? Hell, I bet the guy had more cheeto dust in his veins than blood. That or he was poisoned by his own vitriol…

  42. GOPCrusher

    Breitbart was killed before he had to chance to edit the video to include Bill Ayers in it.

  43. valthemus

    If I present WND with my theory that Dick Cheney had Tim Russert and the DC madame killed, will they invite me to join their staff? I hear they pay well.

  44. imissopus

    Obama also had my car stolen so I would start taking public transportation as part of his socialist plot to get Americans to use less fuel. The left wants to control our lives! Wake up sheeple!!1!

  45. imissopus

    I'm starting to think all the super-competent private detectives in L.A. as portrayed in the vast field of noir crime novels might be an exaggeration.

  46. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    If WND was serious about this, they would have one of their staffers dress up like a pimp and have them go to the White House, where Obama would admit to everything, at least after the tape was edited.

  47. ttommyunger

    Enlarged heart? Never! Enlarged ego and tiny undeveloped character? Definitely!

  48. Wile E. Quixote

    WND is just another tool of the lying, libunatical, liebrul lamestream-media who are all helping to cover up the real autopsy report on Andrew Breitbart, the one that was about to be released by that forensics tech who was snuffed a few weeks ago and which reveals that Breitbart's stomach contents were a noisome and frothy mix of Four Loko, Cheez Whiz, pork rinds, bile, crushed oxycontin tablets, methampetamine and the semen of at least two dozen men, as well as cocaine and bull semen.

    All of this makes me wonder why Joseph Farah won't reveal the truth and what he's really trying to hide. Where was Farah the night Breitbart was killed? Does he have any witnesses who can verify his whereabouts? Are those witnesses reliable? Can I see their long form birth certificates?

  49. Judith_Priest

    "Good morning, Mrs. Breitbart! May I speak to Andy?"
    "No. I'm sorry. Hadn't you heard? Andy had died. He died a few weeks ago."
    "Ah. Thank you. Goodbye."

    10 minutes later:

    "Hey, Mrs. Breitbart! May I speak to Andy?"
    "Didn't you just call? I told you: Andy is dead. He's dead."
    "Ah. Thank you. Goodbye."

    10 minutes after *that*:

    "Hello, Mrs. Breitbart! May I please speak to Andy?"
    "Is this YOU again? I just told you! Twice! My husband is dead. He's DEAD. Andrew Breitbart is DEAD! Why are you calling me over and over when I've already told you: He's DEAD!?"
    "I know. I know. It's just that I love hearing you say it."

    (Originally told about drummer Gene Krupa, who was apparently famous, also, for being a complete asshole.)

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