battle of the bulge

Lugar Loses ‘Battle of Two Dicks’ Indiana Primary

At least the flag is in the right place.

Here is the ghostly ballroom where Dick Lugar’s six-term Senate career is doing a sad, invisible waltz of doom. NBC is calling the Indiana GOP Senate primary for teabagger Dick Mourdock, thereby “putting the seat in play for Democrats in the fall,” because Mourdock is some sort of terrible nut who has promised to leave little puddles of his urine for seniors to slip on wherever they are waiting in line for their Medicare pill bottles.

ALSO, TOO: Mitt Romney may now have a sip of his celebratory Shirley Temple, because he is the official winner of the Indiana and North Carolina GOP presidential primaries. Ron Paul, who has mysteriously forgotten to email us asking for money these last few weeks, is still around and holding a grim 0.1% lead over “no one” for the second place spot. [The Hill/TPM]

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197 comments

    1. Redhead

      You talking about amendment one? Currently winning by 60%. Join me in a glass (or 10) of wine.

        1. Redhead

          The comments on a local media source actually tried to frame amendment one as a way to reduce health care costs by "getting rid of a loophole" that allowed unmarried people to actually have access to healthcare.

          My liver hates 61% of NC right now.

          1. Ann_ObeyMe_Money

            My liver is a pretty solid hunk of disease thanks to NC right now, those fucking fucks. Can gay NC'ans just refuse to pay state/city/muni taxes until they get civil rights again? Or what?

          2. Fare la Volpe

            It didn't work for blacks under Jim Crow – something tells me it won't work here.

  1. memzilla

    "Don't Switch Dicks In The Middle Of A Screw." The anti-Nixon warning has been updated. And violated.

    1. Isyaignert

      Ha! I remember that one – "Don't change Dicks in the middle of a screw, vote for Nixon in '72."

        1. thatsitfortheother1

          Fall of 1972. I went by Nixon's campaign HQ in Austin to get a Nixon bumpersticker.

          I affixed it proudly inside my toilet lid.

          And 40 years later people are still voting for those douchebags.

          1. Ann_ObeyMe_Money

            Hard to believe, innit? An ancient friend of mine still has those commemorative Nixon stamps that come with a commemorative JAIL sticker you can stick 'em inside of. And yet the players at the top stay the same, it's only the eejits like us that are getting screwed that change each generation.

  2. Arken

    Yes, but the Ronulans tell me that somehow all the delegates for Gingrich and Santorum are going to go to Paul which means… he'd still have half the delegates Romney did. Therefore-

    RON PAUL WINS!

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Anybody know why the Libertardians don't try to peddle their wares overseas, where third (and fourth, and fifth) parties are sort of normal and actually take part in the government?

      1. SayItWithWookies

        Because parliamentarianism is too good for foreigners? I'm not saying it makes sense — but that's the gist of the answer you'd get.

  3. user-of-owls

    This is the only kind of 'gun control' the Teabaggers will tolerate. Why do they hate pistols so much?

  4. OzoneTom

    Sen. Lugar will console himself with the knowledge that he will never have to go to Indiana again.

      1. Wile E. Quixote

        Nahhhh, I think a guy named Dick who got teabagged by another guy named Dick will end up on KY street.

    1. Negropolis

      He hasn't lived there in decades, anyway. lol

      Now, it's time for the sweet, sweet grift of after-Congress.

    2. BerkeleyBear

      Ehh, you watch – he'll guest lecture at IU at the Congressional Institute Lee Hamilton started up when he retired. Then the TP will try to burn them both (and not in effigy).

  5. rickmaci

    Dick Mourdock will replace Dick Lugar. You've seen one Reptard Dick you've seen 'em all.

    1. criminogenic

      So that guy really was on to something. Some guys asked if I was interested in a gay deposit while I was getting my car from a dark inner city car park the other night. Didn't seem like a particularly secure location for Financial transactions so I passed on that sweet gay cash.

  6. Wile E. Quixote

    Nothing to see here, nothing to see here, move along, just a white guy named "Dick" getting teabagged by another white guy named "Dick.". Just a typical day in the Republican party, keep the traffic moving folks.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      Oh, not at all — it took Lugar 36 years to become washed-up, discredited and useless. Mourdock'll have that coming in.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      The activist on Saturday's Chris Hayes program said they are getting more support than they ever thought possible but they still believe they are about 17 points behind.

    2. Negropolis

      Forget it, Beeble. It's North Carolina.

      Seriously, this thing was expected to pass for months, now. It's hard enough to even fight these folks to a draw like in California, let alone not slip in the South.

      1. fartknocker

        Tonight two beautiful lesbians are making sweet love in Charleston after eating oysters and grits with shrimp. And the North Carolina voters didn't make one bit of difference in their relationship.

        Except both of these gorgeous women have PHd.'s in Biology who are developing a genome for curing diabetes will leave. A really cool Research Triangle medical firm will collapse because these scientists they courted realized that NC is full of stupid voters who care more about the religion than logic. Because that's what the minister told them.

        Meanwhile NC Farmer Brown who grows Cotton and Tobacco who has received numerous FDA subsidies believes he is the king because he doesn't want fags in the Tarheel state.

        The venture capitalists will freak when they learn the smart, beautiful couple moves to Vermont or some other safe, sane state and begin their own enterprise and live happily every after. And pay taxes.

        Stupid fuckwits. I hope NC feels safer.

  7. Wile E. Quixote

    So since Hoosiers love Dicks so much does this mean that Indianapolis is the new San Francisco?

  8. cheetojeebus

    It's like some warped greek tragedy? Two horrific priapian trolls with carnivorous dicks wrestle like slugs.

        1. Ann_ObeyMe_Money

          I could help with the sets. Also, I found a truly awful movie about carnivorous (cannibalistic? Oh,they all are, aren't they?) slugs on Netflix. We could sample.

  9. Schmannnity

    Good news! If the Republicans win the Senate, they will have a totally incompetent junior senator from Indiana instead of a respected 36 year veteran.

    1. Ann_ObeyMe_Money

      This is good. Very good. Hope the stupid little fucker ends up blowing his own dick off within the first thirty days and remains quiet and ineffective until ousted in the following election.

      1. Negropolis

        Republicans senators don't actually have to accomplish much to totally destroy the body. They just have to be reliable obstructionist vote. That's it. Stack on top of that that you can control a caucus better with more soldiers and fewer generals, and this is decidedly not a good thing. Leadership is honing this party into a spear.

        1. Ann_ObeyMe_Money

          When he accomplishes the usual next-to-nothing for his constituents, though, as the teabaggers in our Legislature seem to have adopted as their signature, they'll think twice about returning him to the Halls of Power. I take inspiration from the fuckbagger fucking up of their hated "pork-barrel politics," when they neatly shot themselves through both feet, their collective and ginormous ass, and their very empty heads (just a flesh wound!) by eliminating the only thing their constituents want from them — those sweet Federal tax dollars. Now they're having to beg and grovel to get the handouts their ousted ex-members used to get for free because they knew where the bodies were buried. So, in that sense, Mourdock is good. Hopefully, he will do as his fellow teabaggage did, and blow himself right out of power in short order.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Are you suggesting that he wouldn't have the unbridled power, unquestioning respect, and total control that Boner exerts over the highly disciplined GOPtard baggers in the House?

  10. Sharkey

    little puddles of his urine for seniors to slip on

    That refers to the photo at the top, for anyone following along.

  11. JustPixelz

    Lugar really spared all expense for his would-be victory celebration. I count over ten balloons.

    Waiting for Mourlock's "I am not a witch" ad in 3 … 2 …

    1. NYNYNYjr

      "I'm not a witch! I'm a mourlock! We've been at war with witches since the 1300s!"

  12. JackDempsey1

    Why is the speaker's platform only 6 inches high?
    Wouldn't it have been cheaper to just have the candidate stand on his tiptoes?
    Then there'd be more campaign money left over for heavy drinking/constituent interaction.

    1. Ann_ObeyMe_Money

      Or get him Mitch Daniels' used shoe lifts. That guy has to be all of 5' 3" and, as a vertically-disadvantaged-American, I say that with some glee. Has anyone proposed him for RMONEY's Veep yet?

  13. Fukui-sanYesRadio

    OT: This Gaffe Dodger game is actually kinda fun. Take the stand as a Republican candidate and see how you do on world affairs etc.

    I scored 100% in NH (despite being very very tempted to lead the US back to the Jazz Age via the poetry of Baudelaire) but only 83% in Florida.

    1. Ann_ObeyMe_Money

      I had a few wild moments with wanting radical Islamic jihadists to hate us for our foam hats, but did you know that if you play it more than twice in a row, it's set up to CHEAT?

  14. Veritas78

    I worked for Senator Charles Percy in 1978-80 (R-IL). We thought wacko right-wing freshman Senator Dick Lugar was an ominous sign of where the Republican party was heading. We were right, but had no idea that he'd eventually be defeated as a moderate quisling.

        1. MosesInvests

          No one would have believed, in the last years of the 19th century, that Earthly affairs were being watched from the timeless worlds of space….

    1. Monsieur_Grumpe

      I predict by the year 2045 republicans will have gone so far to the right that they will be unable to speak in complete sentences. Instead they will bark out words that have been genetically imbedded in their brains from years of reading nothing but Red State bumper stickers. Conversation with a genetically pure winger will go something like….
      GUY: “How ya doing Frank?”
      Future Wing Nut: “IMPEACH HIPPIES!!!!”
      GUY: “Uh?”
      Future Wing Nut: “JESUS KILLS!!!11”
      GUY: “I got to brush my cat….”
      Future Wing Nut: “TAX THE POOR! FEED THE RICH! KISS MY SUV! DRILL GRANNY DRILL!!!”
      And so on.

    2. Negropolis

      I'm telling you, these fuckers won't be happy until we're in a full dictatorship.

        1. memzilla

          "Fascism is a religion…. Fascism should more appropriately be called Corporatism because it is a merger of state and corporate power."
          — Benito Mussolini

  15. Texan_Bulldog

    No snark: the dude is 80 and he looks like he's about 60. Not sure what deal he made with the devil but I'd be willing to negotiate.

  16. iburl

    Evil wizards are hard to defeat.
    Mourdock's magic was too arcane and his bumper sticker slogan was pretty unique:

    Chill and deadly, Ruin’s hands
    E'er spin the threads of death
    In darkness, I wait for thee
    I hasten thy last breath

  17. fuflans

    and the right goes farther right and the normal people move to safe blue places and the red places get freakier and redder and they still have the vote and two senators.

    how does this end?

          1. Ann_ObeyMe_Money

            Not for at least 20+ years, sweetheart, which is the last time I caught him there in concert while madly in love with a girl who called that fair city home. (Yeah, another one. Sue me.)

    1. Negropolis

      Wait, you're saying they voted to reinsert witch-burning as an option for capital punishment, down there? Better watch your ass, Bev Perdue.

        1. Ann_ObeyMe_Money

          Damn! ANOTHER one bites the dust? Good thing I took up drinking again.

          Just kidding, although I wish I wasn't. Seems I can't drink at all without feeling queasy these days, although there's nothing physically wrong with me. So, goodbye booze.

          1. Ann_ObeyMe_Money

            Don't *do* that, sugarbuns. Plays hell with the complexion, and we don't want your sweet, innocent boyish looks to be replaced by anything DorianGrayish. At least, not till you're done conquering THE WORLD!

        2. Fukui-sanYesRadio

          Exactly that. He was kind enough to change his name when I had trouble, so I shall do the same for him.

      1. Negropolis

        They shouldn't have to move their years-planned convention because some trolls fucked up by banning something that was already banned. Trust me, having it in Charlotte, at all, wasn't meant as a reward, it was meant to symbolize a conquest, like building a fort in a hostile land.

        Hell, if I were the DNC, I'd have plopped this thing down at Fort Sumter in Charleston Harbor or maybe even in Savannah. Just because.

        1. horsedreamer_1

          Just remember: the last DNC in the Southeast ended up with Bill Clinton droning on for two hours & Rob Lowe sexing an underage girl. (She was 16, at least; old enough to consult, in Georgia?)

  18. Negropolis

    I see Dems feebly trying to spin this as some kind of good news for Dems, and maybe relative to totally horrible news this is "good news." But, let us be clear about something: Indiana ain't Delaware. Christine O'Donnell could have been elected in Hoosierland (i.e. The Mississippi of the Great Lakes), and I'll leave it at that. All around, a pretty bad night for human decency.

      1. Negropolis

        Apparently, the Dem that is running is selling himself as a "centrist" so, at best, that's what we're likely to get. There is no solid Dem that can be elected, state-wide, in Indiana, anymore. Indiana is oddly trending more conservative even as its major metropolitan areas grow.

        1. Fare la Volpe

          You mean the former headquarters of the KKK is kinda conservative? Shocked am I!

          1. Negropolis

            Not shocked that it's conservative. Shocked that it's becoming more conservative as it becomes more urbanized. Again, Indiana has always been seen, up here, as a piece of the South north of the Ohio.

  19. Radiotherapy

    What do lesbians and the local ABC affiliate covering Lugee have in common?

    They don't do dick.

  20. chascates

    The good people in North Carolina can sleep well tonight; their state joins almost 30 others in ensuring that same sex couples cannot be considered married. There will be less divorce, less adultery, happier and better children in the state. Spousal abuse, broken families, and sexual crimes will be more rare and God Himself will favor the state for their choice.

    1. Negropolis

      Only tangentially related, but doesn't this also remove benefits for common law marriages? I believe that's what ended up happening here in Michigan since the amendment was so broadly written.

      1. HistoriCat

        I believe that it does. Suck on that you Appalachian hillbillies! You're going to have to get formally married if you want those sweet benefits. No, we don't care that for 250 years your ancestors have done it this way.

        1. Ann_ObeyMe_Money

          The fact is that common-law marriage was historically recognized for THOUSANDS of years prior to the Church taking over the lucrative marrying business. At common law, if a man and woman hold forth as a married couple, the state/government entity is obliged to accept them in good faith as such and to extend towards them both the benefits and responsibilities of a married couple. This bullshit piece of legislation has turned history on its head, and will have far more dire results than the idiots of NC have any inkling of, as yet.

  21. Negropolis

    Kind of an obvious observation, but to ban something that's already banned tells you just how cynical those that wrote the amendment are. Same sex marriage was never legal in North Carolina, but now the cynical writers of this shit get to give Bubba the opportunity to put an exclamation point at the end, well…just because.

    You know, I don't know what the president is going to say down in Charlotte in a few months. But it better be fucking brilliant. Next time someone whines "both parties are the same" remind them that we don't pass intentionally mean-spirited shit to hurt and disenfranchise people, even people who fucking hate our (liberals) guts.

    1. chascates

      The ignorance of most people (or the effect of absorbing media via certain slanted outlets) has enabled state politicians to rail against sharia law, the encroachment of the United Nations, fear of losing the Second Amendment, indoctrination of school children, and the abolition of Christianity. What is already forbidden can be considered commonplace, what is ludicrous is believed prevalent.

      The rise of the far right conservative control of media after the Goldwater loss in 1964 has led us to a Balkanization of truth and reality. I don't fear a new Civil War as much as I fear a long period of descent enabling the rich interests to force the rest of us back into a feudal state.

      (I mentioned earlier I had a 12-pk of PBR.)

      1. Fukui-sanYesRadio

        The rise of the far right conservative control of media after the Goldwater loss in 1964 has led us to a Balkanization of truth and reality. I don't fear a new Civil War as much as I fear a long period of descent enabling the rich interests to force the rest of us back into a feudal state.

        Radiotherapy recommended this excellent book which I'm most of the way through. It backs you up all the way.

        It's scary, to be honest, and directly references Lugar. Lugar is no longer in vogue since he was prepared to even consider compromise rather than walk to the drum of Grover and that fucking cunt Stephen Moore.

    2. Redhead

      I'm really not sure how it passed – everyone I know, liberal and conservative, voted against it (albeit for different reasons).

      1. Negropolis

        Are you being serious? You don't know how this passed in deep-fried North Carolina? North Carolina has come a long way from Helms, but it's still in the South. Again, this shit even passes in California and Maine. That it was only a 20 point spread is far more surprising than that it passed.

        1. Redhead

          Well the thing here is that it didn't just say "evil gheys can't get married." It said that the only domestic union recognized is a MARRIAGE between man and woman. Even the conservatives I know started going, "hold up wtf this is too much government" or "hold up you guys this isn't just the bad bad gheys, this is gonna mess with us too!" I was hoping the fact that they made it SO broad would kill it.

          Then again I'm relatively young and apparently the olds came out by the busload.

  22. ttommyunger

    Meh, I wrote Indiana off years ago, along with Iowa, Utah, Texas, Arizona and a few others. If Barry loses in November I might as well write the whole fucking Country off.

      1. Biff

        Exactly why I bought Rosetta Stone. I thought it would be rude of me to arrive in my new homeland and not at least be trying to speak the native language.

    1. HistoriCat

      Maybe it's just wishful thinking on my part but I keep thinking that Texas could be more competitive if the Dems would put a little effort into the state. Of course, when you (not you you but the Democratic party) write off a state, there's little chance of ever developing folks who could be future candidates. That's why in 2010 I had nobody to vote for in my Congressional district.

      1. ttommyunger

        “Vote For?” What a luxury! Most Americans, myself included all too often, wind up voting against.

        1. HistoriCat

          It's hard to vote against when there's no there there! Seriously, it's like one of those dictatorial elections where there's one name on the ballot, so you can either vote for the asshole on there … or not. Take it or leave it!

  23. BarackMyWorld

    Assuming age is not an issue, I'd be willing to bet Barry is already trying to get Lugar in as Secretary of State when Hillary Clinton leaves.

    1. Negropolis

      I can bet you he isn't. Barry may loves him some Lugar, but he certainly doesn't love him that much, thank god.

  24. owhatever

    You put your Right Dick in, you pull the old Dick out,
    You put your new Dick in, and you shake it all about,
    You do the hokey-pokey and you turn your Dick around,
    And that's what its all a…bout…Yeh.

  25. BarackMyWorld

    Assuming he wins his primary, Orrin Hatch becomes the next Republican to be President Pro Tempore of the Senate (also assuming they take control sometime in the next 6 years). Even though both Lugar and Hatch took office at the same time, Lugar outranked Hatch because Indiana had a larger population the year they took office.

      1. BarackMyWorld

        Mostly stating a fact, but also reminding everyone who could become 3rd in line for the presidency….not that we could probably ever do worse than Ted Stevens or Strom Thurmond.

        (I'm of the opinion that the current line of succession should be repealed, because including members of the legislative branch violates separation of powers, but that's a debate for another time.)

      1. bflrtsplk

        I thought the song was about Warren Beatty or Mick Jagger. Has anyone ever seen the Mittster and the Mickster in the same place at the same time?

  26. Millennial Malaise

    Is this what they call a "no matter who wins, we all lose" type of deals?

  27. LionHeartSoyDog

    Triple-dick goat stands out in Votar Opshuns.
    Go/Murka 2012!

    Goat'sHead Soup 4 Veep!

    1. Negropolis

      I absolutely can't wait for this battle. Wisconsin, you have a rematch and a chance to correct a mistake. Take the life-line, alread, and we'll act like this Walker-thing never happened.

  28. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Mourdock on Congress: "“I think there needs to be more partisanship."

    How fucking more partisan can it get than 100% obstructionist, 100% of the time?

    1. criminogenic

      shooting each other? I recall that suggestion floating to the top of pustulous bile that fronts for ideas from those with spam for brains.

  29. redarmyzombie

    So in other words, the republican circle-jerk isn't doing so well? Go figure. Oh, and by the by:

    I MISSED YOU, WONKETEERS!!!!!!

      1. redarmyzombie

        Ugh, I've been stuck prepping for college finals the past few days. Pain in the ass…I seriously am in dire need of sleep. I just had to stop by to feed my addiction to Snark first though. 0.0

        Oh, and no, I'm still not finished with my classes yet. *sigh*

          1. redarmyzombie

            Oh, I'm almost done. By the end of next week, everything will be over (free at last, free at last. Thank god almighy…) In the meantime though, I hope I stop having those dreams about nothing but math the whole time. Seriously, I nearly cried when I woke up this morning. DX

            Anyhoo, thanks for the encouragement, Ann-money! *hugs back* You always bring a smile to my face.

  30. Dr. Nick Riviera

    As a Purdue undergrad, I had the…fortune…of living in Indiana between 2006 and 2010. I remember writing both Lugar and Bayh to bitch about something and calling their offices. Lugar wrote me back and his aide answered the phone. Bayh just let it ring and didnt even send me a form letter. I guess all that is to say, I feel an inkling of pity for Lugar. I imagine he feels like Dr. Frankenstein would have felt when he knew the monster was coming to kill him.

  31. Troglodeity

    I'll bet those two Dicks together don't add up to one John Travolta. Although they're each probably just as wiry and unkempt.

  32. littlebigdaddy

    Dick Mourdock? SRSLY? Is he a semi-undead vampire (not sexy, obv) or somethiing?

  33. Billmatic

    "I challenge you to find words that talk about Medicare or Medicaid or, yes, even Social Security. You know, Article I, Section 8 says the U.S. government shall have the power to tax to pay off its debts, to pay for its defense, and then it says to provide for the general welfare.” ~ Mourdock (from the article linked in the op)

    and i'm supposed to believe he graduated college?

    where's that long form graduation certificate mr. mourdock

  34. Negropolis

    You know, I was watching th news, last night, and they interviewed and elderly man outside his polling place. They asked if he'd voted for Lugar, and he pauses long-and-hard as if he doesn't want to answer. The reporter keeps presssing, and he informs him that he'd voted for Lugar, forever, but didn't this time. Prying still harder, the guy goes into how he voted to get someone in the Senate that would "fix it" (whatever the hell that means), and then as is always the cases ends it by saying that he wants to send a message to Obama that he can't get everything he wants or some shit. And,what message is that? That you are totally willing to cut off your nose to spite your face?

    We all knew this is where this is going; this is what we're dealing with. This has been the same voter since January 2009. I'm not losing hope of winning in November, but I'm increasingly losing hope that it's worth any president's time to govern what is left of this nation. As a sarcastic sign reads in a rather abandoned, weed-chocked section of the otherwise vibrant Midtown of Detroit:

    "You've Won All This!"

  35. Negropolis

    Poor fools. The Hoosierlanders will find out soon enough Mourdock is what you get stuck with when you find a stranger in the alps…

  36. bflrtsplk

    “Mourdock is some sort of terrible nut who has promised to leave little puddles of his urine for seniors to slip on wherever they are waiting in line for their Medicare pill bottles.“

    Those little puddles should be tested for … something.

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