SNORE ON WOMEN  4:07 pm May 8, 2012

This One House Republican Really Loves Planned Parenthood

by Jim Newell

Hates fetusesWell how about that, a freshman House Republican, Illinois’ Bob Dold, is going to sign his death wish this week. Not only does he plan “to introduce a bill Wednesday that would ensure Planned Parenthood’s access to federal funding,” but he’ll announce it at a press conference alongside Planned Parenthood. Total mindfuck. Does Dold walk on his head and speak in reverse, too? Who is this guy? Oh, nevermind, he’s just a “Republican in a moderate district.” Hadn’t those all been nuked by now? Guy just wants to get laid.

Dold also spoke out against the 2011 effort by House Republicans to defund Planned Parenthood immediately after taking power. But this is something else, here. His district is clearly dominated by the Vagina-American usurper class:

Freshman Rep. Robert Dold (R-Ill.) is coming to the defense of Planned Parenthood amid his party’s sustained assault on the organization.

Dold plans to introduce a bill Wednesday that would ensure Planned Parenthood’s access to federal funding. House Republicans have pushed to defund Planned Parenthood, and conservative governors have picked up where the federal effort failed.

“In response to the growing number of efforts to discriminate against and exclude organizations like Planned Parenthood from participating in health care programs, Dold’s legislation would protect the inclusion of any hospital or health care entity that seeks to participate in the Title X family planning program,” his office said in a release.

Planned Parenthood is scheduled to join Dold at a press conference Wednesday morning.

Okay Dold, we’ll consider making you the Wonkette Favorite Republican (although he probably also supports repealing the 13th Amendment and god knows what else). “Wonkette Favorite Republican” is a sure way to win Republican primaries in this day and age. You could secure it by having an abortion at this press conference, while cackling about how awesome abortion is. No — two abortions. Also, be gay or something. Seven abortions, being gay, and it’s a deal.

[The Hill]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 89 comments }

nounverb911 May 8, 2012 at 4:08 pm

How many abortions has he caused?

actor212 May 8, 2012 at 4:12 pm

He looks like Ralph Malph so none

Barb May 8, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Sarah Palin hates Planned Parenthood, the two things she is horrible at, planning and parenthood.

ManchuCandidate May 8, 2012 at 4:21 pm

It's just easier to list what she's good at. I think it's just fucking… but that could be memories of Lisa Ann (her "lookalike" in Nail'n Pailin.)

chascates May 8, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Barb, you brighten my days!

Barb May 8, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Thank you!

Schmannnity May 8, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Bob Dold supports Planned Parenthood–Bob Dold. What? Dole? Nevermind.

actor212 May 8, 2012 at 4:11 pm

I foresee a headline in the Chicago Tribune when the Teabaggers come after him: "Dold Out"

GOPCrusher May 8, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Obviously Dold is just another part of the Obama Chicago Political Machine.

rhubarbpie2 May 8, 2012 at 4:12 pm

What he really loves is being a congressman.

Negropolis May 8, 2012 at 11:52 pm

WIN

Baconzgood May 8, 2012 at 4:13 pm

RINO

Callyson May 8, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Wikipedia agrees:

In his first radio ad of the general election campaign, Dold described himself as a small business owner, fiscal conservative and social moderate.

I'm surprised the wingnuts haven't primaried this guy…

Kidneys4Sale May 8, 2012 at 4:13 pm

That'd be my congressman, right there. Don't be fooled. He's an asshole.

Jim Newell May 8, 2012 at 4:19 pm

I will choose to believe you.

NorthStarSpanx May 8, 2012 at 4:35 pm

It's like the way our seemingly milquetoast Alaskan Governor Parnell (Sarah 2.0 but without the snark or acid for blood) is with standing up for women against rape and respecting them and all that. . .while he's the first to cut food programs for children and access to Planned Parenthood also too.

Fare la Volpe May 8, 2012 at 4:31 pm

How so?

Limeylizzie May 8, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Excellent! So, Kidneys4Sale, how does the assholery manifest itself?

BerkeleyBear May 8, 2012 at 6:52 pm

He's the douchebag who took over Mark Kirk's district when Kirk got elected to the Senate. Before redistricting the district was basically socially blue, but heavily pro-AIPAC and had enough people who hate taxes to keep Kirk in office by the skin of his teeth (redistricting should have made it even more blue, but I'm not sure). Kirk tilted so far to the right once he ran for state-wide office that it gave him a stroke. Dold is Kirk 2.0, so he's only going to vote Dem because it has no shot of actually winning but plays well at home. If this was a close vote for a GOP prize, like fucking over Obamacare, he'd be all for it.

Jukesgrrl May 8, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Aww, so Dold is not gold? Bummer.

FlownOver May 8, 2012 at 4:13 pm

He'll resign soon. Heading for New Zealand "to pursue other opportunities."

weejee May 8, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Yeah, he'll go fuck some kiwi or something.

Jukesgrrl May 8, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Or several dozen kiwis.

LettucePrey May 8, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Y'see, Republican menfolk are always against abortion until their fuck partner needs one.

I felt the same way when Justin Bieber announced he was anti-choice. I thought to myself, "Just wait until your tween girlfriend's first pregnancy scare, asshole."

Negropolis May 9, 2012 at 12:00 am

Remember when that 20-year-old accused him of fathering her child? Turns out it wasn't his, but the little bitch went full-crazy on her ass in a very unbecoming way; I even read somewhere that he recently taunted her.

tihond May 8, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Bold Dold Breaks Republican Mold.

Joshua Norton May 8, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Dold plans to introduce a bill Wednesday that would ensure Planned Parenthood’s access to federal funding.

I'm pretty sure there's a Kim Kardashian sized "but" coming our way…..

memzilla May 8, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Nice to see that our side of the War On Wimmenz is finally taking hostages.

Baconzgood May 8, 2012 at 4:15 pm

"Bob Dold (D)"

-Fox News Graphic-

Lascauxcaveman May 8, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Lol, Illinois is almost as gay as my state (Washington). Voters there seem to sometimes actually pay attention to issues that actually exist, and stuff. For a typically conservative Republican trog to remain in office, they have to ghetto themselves into the dumb-ass rural parts of the state.

Ergo, moderate Republicans.

banana_bread May 8, 2012 at 4:25 pm

There is enough friction between the two halves of Illinois (the two halves being "Chicagoland" and "everywhere else") that the downstaters regularly threaten to kick us city folk out, and we threaten to let them.

GOPCrusher May 8, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Surprised they haven't done like Nebraska and pass a law where Omaha has their electorial vote and the rest of Nebraska has theirs, because the overall vote in Omaha outnumbered the rest of the state.

HippieEsq May 8, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Funny how what used to be common sense policy is now heroic career suicide.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 8, 2012 at 5:44 pm

In today's GOP, common sense is suicide.

AlterNewt May 8, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Peck him to death. Peck him to death. Peck him to death!

starfanglednut May 8, 2012 at 4:58 pm

I will not.

Chill-A-Sketch May 8, 2012 at 4:16 pm

You know who else was a willing one-term Congressman?

Schmannnity May 8, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Mark Foley, first term?

FlownOver May 8, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Davy Crockett?

horsedreamer_1 May 8, 2012 at 11:43 pm

Abe Lincoln?

smrtmnky May 8, 2012 at 4:16 pm

a motherfucking unicorn

elviouslyqueer May 8, 2012 at 4:17 pm

He is History's GREATEST MONSTER.

/Rick Santorum

AlterNewt May 9, 2012 at 1:38 am

These days, seems like you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a History's GREATEST MONSTER. We're lousy with 'em.

valthemus May 8, 2012 at 4:17 pm

The "Cut my taxes and let me fling my industrial waste wherever I want" conservatives are so much easier to take than the "God's gonna send you to hell, you prevert homo commie abortionist" conservatives.

starfanglednut May 8, 2012 at 4:59 pm

S'true. They are just as dangerous, though.

marinmaven May 8, 2012 at 11:35 pm

The latter is creepier in a banjo in the backwoods with pig noises reinacting "The Handmaid's Tale" kind of way. It is only because this is so horrible, that we find ourselves nostalgic for the old type of republican, who didn't care much about anything accept their ability to rape and pillage money and resources. Welcome to the wormhole.

chicken_thief May 8, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Jesus, the Teabaggers gotta be lining up in droves to challenge this weak ass soshulist.

Schmannnity May 8, 2012 at 4:18 pm

I am planning to lobby for the freed up funds of Planned Parenthood once it is defunded by Congress. Unplanned Parenthood, apart from paying me an oversize salary, benefits and expense allowance, will make it its business to make wine coolers, cheap weed, and condoms with pin holes, freely available to young people provided they take the "no abortion pledge." Bye bye 99%ers.

Baconzgood May 8, 2012 at 4:27 pm

You need a PR man for this. Fortunately Baconz can offer his years of sales experience (and his gift for saying stuff that means nothing to avoid being held accountable) to Unplanned Parenthood for a pittance of say…375K+ Full Family and Company car.

Schmannnity May 8, 2012 at 5:09 pm

20% of my pay? OK.

Jukesgrrl May 8, 2012 at 6:43 pm

You will also need an experienced event planner to host members of Congress at deluxe resorts and the world's best golf courses. I am the person for THAT job. I defy any other Wonkette to prove they have gotten the CEO of Mitsubishi a tee time at Augusta National and had him returned (by private plane) to his suite at the Ritz-Carlton Georgetown in time for his evening activities with the CEO of the Fortune 100 I worked for. Not to mention, cocktails for you and your esteemed guests, every Friday at four in your K Street office suite, are de rigueur. My skills are skills you will need, Mr. Schmannnity, sir.

Schmannnity May 8, 2012 at 8:58 pm

Same deal as the Bacon

rickmaci May 8, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Either he is a Reptard congressman in a Dem voting district or the delivery room nurse dropped him on his f * ing head shortly after he was born.

Sharkey May 8, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Boehner Told to Scold Bob "Stone Cold" Dold

Callyson May 8, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Fun fact from Wikipedia:

Prior to his election, Dold ran his family-owned business, Rose Pest Solutions.

That's it, send the other candidates for Wonkette's favorite Republican home…

SayItWithWookies May 8, 2012 at 4:23 pm

I'm guessing Mr. Dold's district has a Planned Parenthood clinic right next to a military base or something — either that or they give out strawberry-flavored dildos.

ManchuCandidate May 8, 2012 at 4:24 pm

It's amazing how the GOPers are starting to resemble the Roman Catholic Church. A bunch of angry virgins (or wannabes) and mentally fucked up folks in denial about their own sexuality telling women what they can and can't do.

Now it's to the point where it's news when one of them thinks the war on vagina is a horrible idea.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 8, 2012 at 6:01 pm

I heard that dickhead Catholic League President, Bill Donohue, on the radio this morning. Asked about some blatant inconsistency in his position vs. Obama's health care policy, his response was, "I don't respond to George Soros-funded organizations." You could clearly hear the interviewer mentally screaming "WTF???!!??" in the ensuing moment of silence.

Total fucking pig-headed idiocy — yet he gets taken seriously by the media.

anniegetyerfun May 8, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Black and Mexican lovers, also. None of this white-on-white crap.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 8, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Everybody knows that the Planned Parenthood mailing list is the key to getting laid.

SorosBot May 8, 2012 at 4:26 pm

It looks like someone's asking for the Dick Lugar treatment.

fuflans May 8, 2012 at 9:59 pm

not on the north shore of chicago. he's way more at risk from the dems.

Fare la Volpe May 8, 2012 at 4:30 pm

COMMUNIST!

-Allen West

smokefilledroommate May 8, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Wonder if he refers to himself in third person.

Mittens Howell, III May 8, 2012 at 4:35 pm

He just wants the other Republican dickheads to leave him alone in the lunch room.

actor212 May 8, 2012 at 4:37 pm

OT, but the headline was too juice to pass up posting: China to launch investigation into capsules containing dead baby remains

starfanglednut May 8, 2012 at 5:03 pm

I clicked through to the part where they actually found some of such pills, and it the most horrifying thing I've read in a while. By which I mean today.

vtxmcrider May 8, 2012 at 6:13 pm

BREAKING NEWS: Investigators have found several of these pills in Rick Santorum's bed.

GOPCrusher May 8, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Babby: the other white meat. Except for the non-white ones.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 8, 2012 at 6:03 pm

And we just thought we were being all snarky and tasteless, a few weeks back.

AlterNewt May 9, 2012 at 1:52 am

Perhaps the thing to do would be to test this hypotheses by snarking about freakish money showers raining down upon the Wonkettarattii.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 9, 2012 at 2:05 pm

With our luck, it would be gay money.

Mittens Howell, III May 8, 2012 at 4:40 pm

O00h Mavericky.

Guppy May 8, 2012 at 4:50 pm

I have a feeling his primary is going to be the most lopsided election outside of Uzbekistan.

OneYieldRegular May 8, 2012 at 5:08 pm

I'm glad to see that Wonkette has upped the ante for embracing neophyte Republicans after that first date with Sarah Palin turned out to be so traumatic.

Aridzona May 8, 2012 at 5:08 pm

It's all about the polling data and reelection politics. In truth, he probably believes in nothing but the next political opportunity. He'll be aborted in a primary next go 'round.

Wile E. Quixote May 8, 2012 at 5:31 pm

Hey, everyone knows that the Abortionplex is the best place to pick up chicks.

Bethany: I don't mean to sound ungrateful… but what are you doing hanging around?
Jay: We're here to pick up chicks.
Bethany: Excuse me?
Jay: We figure an abortion clinic is a good place to meet loose women. Why else would they be there unless they like to fuck?

Steverino247 May 8, 2012 at 5:39 pm

"Guy just wants to get laid."

I know how he feels.

vtxmcrider May 8, 2012 at 6:07 pm

When Boehner gets through with him, the Republican leadership will see what a living set of TruckNutz looks like.

pinkocommi May 8, 2012 at 6:43 pm

Bob Dold's support of Planned Parenthood will not win him as many Republican votes as chances to get laid by the ladies. Good thinking, Bob.

BZ1 May 8, 2012 at 7:00 pm

Well that makes a total of one, that is, a Repub with a brain conscience

Warpde May 8, 2012 at 9:23 pm

Fucking Redemupuplacratucans.
Spoiling all the fun.

fuflans May 8, 2012 at 9:58 pm

dude is from kenilworth.

that's all you really need to know.

ttommyunger May 8, 2012 at 10:47 pm

What? No Flag Pin? TRAITOR

AlterNewt May 9, 2012 at 1:53 am

Burn him.

Negropolis May 8, 2012 at 11:45 pm

I guess you have to take 'em where you can get 'em, but it's pretty clear that he's doing this because he's in electoral trouble. Charlie Cook's political report labeled the guy as one of the ten most vulnerable Republicans in 2012.

He loves Planned Parenthood because his ass is grass if he doesn't. Capisce?

gurukalehuru May 9, 2012 at 1:29 am

Does that "moderate district" include Springfield? Dold!

mcrummett May 9, 2012 at 3:51 am

a “Republican in a moderate district.” Wait, what?

Negropolis May 9, 2012 at 9:01 pm

Yeah, this is literally the last one. lol

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