snore on women

This One House Republican Really Loves Planned Parenthood

Hates fetusesWell how about that, a freshman House Republican, Illinois’ Bob Dold, is going to sign his death wish this week. Not only does he plan “to introduce a bill Wednesday that would ensure Planned Parenthood’s access to federal funding,” but he’ll announce it at a press conference alongside Planned Parenthood. Total mindfuck. Does Dold walk on his head and speak in reverse, too? Who is this guy? Oh, nevermind, he’s just a “Republican in a moderate district.” Hadn’t those all been nuked by now? Guy just wants to get laid.

Dold also spoke out against the 2011 effort by House Republicans to defund Planned Parenthood immediately after taking power. But this is something else, here. His district is clearly dominated by the Vagina-American usurper class:

Freshman Rep. Robert Dold (R-Ill.) is coming to the defense of Planned Parenthood amid his party’s sustained assault on the organization.

Dold plans to introduce a bill Wednesday that would ensure Planned Parenthood’s access to federal funding. House Republicans have pushed to defund Planned Parenthood, and conservative governors have picked up where the federal effort failed.

“In response to the growing number of efforts to discriminate against and exclude organizations like Planned Parenthood from participating in health care programs, Dold’s legislation would protect the inclusion of any hospital or health care entity that seeks to participate in the Title X family planning program,” his office said in a release.

Planned Parenthood is scheduled to join Dold at a press conference Wednesday morning.

Okay Dold, we’ll consider making you the Wonkette Favorite Republican (although he probably also supports repealing the 13th Amendment and god knows what else). “Wonkette Favorite Republican” is a sure way to win Republican primaries in this day and age. You could secure it by having an abortion at this press conference, while cackling about how awesome abortion is. No — two abortions. Also, be gay or something. Seven abortions, being gay, and it’s a deal.

[The Hill]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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  1. Barb

    Sarah Palin hates Planned Parenthood, the two things she is horrible at, planning and parenthood.

    1. ManchuCandidate

      It's just easier to list what she's good at. I think it's just fucking… but that could be memories of Lisa Ann (her "lookalike" in Nail'n Pailin.)

    1. GOPCrusher

      Obviously Dold is just another part of the Obama Chicago Political Machine.

    1. Callyson

      Wikipedia agrees:

      In his first radio ad of the general election campaign, Dold described himself as a small business owner, fiscal conservative and social moderate.

      I'm surprised the wingnuts haven't primaried this guy…

      1. NorthStarSpanx

        It's like the way our seemingly milquetoast Alaskan Governor Parnell (Sarah 2.0 but without the snark or acid for blood) is with standing up for women against rape and respecting them and all that. . .while he's the first to cut food programs for children and access to Planned Parenthood also too.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        He's the douchebag who took over Mark Kirk's district when Kirk got elected to the Senate. Before redistricting the district was basically socially blue, but heavily pro-AIPAC and had enough people who hate taxes to keep Kirk in office by the skin of his teeth (redistricting should have made it even more blue, but I'm not sure). Kirk tilted so far to the right once he ran for state-wide office that it gave him a stroke. Dold is Kirk 2.0, so he's only going to vote Dem because it has no shot of actually winning but plays well at home. If this was a close vote for a GOP prize, like fucking over Obamacare, he'd be all for it.

  2. LettucePrey

    Y'see, Republican menfolk are always against abortion until their fuck partner needs one.

    I felt the same way when Justin Bieber announced he was anti-choice. I thought to myself, "Just wait until your tween girlfriend's first pregnancy scare, asshole."

    1. Negropolis

      Remember when that 20-year-old accused him of fathering her child? Turns out it wasn't his, but the little bitch went full-crazy on her ass in a very unbecoming way; I even read somewhere that he recently taunted her.

  3. Joshua Norton

    Dold plans to introduce a bill Wednesday that would ensure Planned Parenthood’s access to federal funding.

    I'm pretty sure there's a Kim Kardashian sized "but" coming our way…..

  4. Lascauxcaveman

    Lol, Illinois is almost as gay as my state (Washington). Voters there seem to sometimes actually pay attention to issues that actually exist, and stuff. For a typically conservative Republican trog to remain in office, they have to ghetto themselves into the dumb-ass rural parts of the state.

    Ergo, moderate Republicans.

    1. banana_bread

      There is enough friction between the two halves of Illinois (the two halves being "Chicagoland" and "everywhere else") that the downstaters regularly threaten to kick us city folk out, and we threaten to let them.

      1. GOPCrusher

        Surprised they haven't done like Nebraska and pass a law where Omaha has their electorial vote and the rest of Nebraska has theirs, because the overall vote in Omaha outnumbered the rest of the state.

    1. AlterNewt

      These days, seems like you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a History's GREATEST MONSTER. We're lousy with 'em.

  5. valthemus

    The "Cut my taxes and let me fling my industrial waste wherever I want" conservatives are so much easier to take than the "God's gonna send you to hell, you prevert homo commie abortionist" conservatives.

    1. marinmaven

      The latter is creepier in a banjo in the backwoods with pig noises reinacting "The Handmaid's Tale" kind of way. It is only because this is so horrible, that we find ourselves nostalgic for the old type of republican, who didn't care much about anything accept their ability to rape and pillage money and resources. Welcome to the wormhole.

  6. chicken_thief

    Jesus, the Teabaggers gotta be lining up in droves to challenge this weak ass soshulist.

  7. Schmannnity

    I am planning to lobby for the freed up funds of Planned Parenthood once it is defunded by Congress. Unplanned Parenthood, apart from paying me an oversize salary, benefits and expense allowance, will make it its business to make wine coolers, cheap weed, and condoms with pin holes, freely available to young people provided they take the "no abortion pledge." Bye bye 99%ers.

    1. Baconzgood

      You need a PR man for this. Fortunately Baconz can offer his years of sales experience (and his gift for saying stuff that means nothing to avoid being held accountable) to Unplanned Parenthood for a pittance of say…375K+ Full Family and Company car.

    2. Jukesgrrl

      You will also need an experienced event planner to host members of Congress at deluxe resorts and the world's best golf courses. I am the person for THAT job. I defy any other Wonkette to prove they have gotten the CEO of Mitsubishi a tee time at Augusta National and had him returned (by private plane) to his suite at the Ritz-Carlton Georgetown in time for his evening activities with the CEO of the Fortune 100 I worked for. Not to mention, cocktails for you and your esteemed guests, every Friday at four in your K Street office suite, are de rigueur. My skills are skills you will need, Mr. Schmannnity, sir.

  8. rickmaci

    Either he is a Reptard congressman in a Dem voting district or the delivery room nurse dropped him on his f * ing head shortly after he was born.

  9. Callyson

    Fun fact from Wikipedia:

    Prior to his election, Dold ran his family-owned business, Rose Pest Solutions.

    That's it, send the other candidates for Wonkette's favorite Republican home…

  10. SayItWithWookies

    I'm guessing Mr. Dold's district has a Planned Parenthood clinic right next to a military base or something — either that or they give out strawberry-flavored dildos.

  11. ManchuCandidate

    It's amazing how the GOPers are starting to resemble the Roman Catholic Church. A bunch of angry virgins (or wannabes) and mentally fucked up folks in denial about their own sexuality telling women what they can and can't do.

    Now it's to the point where it's news when one of them thinks the war on vagina is a horrible idea.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      I heard that dickhead Catholic League President, Bill Donohue, on the radio this morning. Asked about some blatant inconsistency in his position vs. Obama's health care policy, his response was, "I don't respond to George Soros-funded organizations." You could clearly hear the interviewer mentally screaming "WTF???!!??" in the ensuing moment of silence.

      Total fucking pig-headed idiocy — yet he gets taken seriously by the media.

  12. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Everybody knows that the Planned Parenthood mailing list is the key to getting laid.

  13. Mittens Howell, III

    He just wants the other Republican dickheads to leave him alone in the lunch room.

    1. starfanglednut

      I clicked through to the part where they actually found some of such pills, and it the most horrifying thing I've read in a while. By which I mean today.

      1. vtxmcrider

        BREAKING NEWS: Investigators have found several of these pills in Rick Santorum's bed.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      And we just thought we were being all snarky and tasteless, a few weeks back.

      1. AlterNewt

        Perhaps the thing to do would be to test this hypotheses by snarking about freakish money showers raining down upon the Wonkettarattii.

  14. Guppy

    I have a feeling his primary is going to be the most lopsided election outside of Uzbekistan.

  15. OneYieldRegular

    I'm glad to see that Wonkette has upped the ante for embracing neophyte Republicans after that first date with Sarah Palin turned out to be so traumatic.

  16. Aridzona

    It's all about the polling data and reelection politics. In truth, he probably believes in nothing but the next political opportunity. He'll be aborted in a primary next go 'round.

  17. Wile E. Quixote

    Hey, everyone knows that the Abortionplex is the best place to pick up chicks.

    Bethany: I don't mean to sound ungrateful… but what are you doing hanging around?
    Jay: We're here to pick up chicks.
    Bethany: Excuse me?
    Jay: We figure an abortion clinic is a good place to meet loose women. Why else would they be there unless they like to fuck?

  18. vtxmcrider

    When Boehner gets through with him, the Republican leadership will see what a living set of TruckNutz looks like.

  19. pinkocommi

    Bob Dold's support of Planned Parenthood will not win him as many Republican votes as chances to get laid by the ladies. Good thinking, Bob.

  20. Negropolis

    I guess you have to take 'em where you can get 'em, but it's pretty clear that he's doing this because he's in electoral trouble. Charlie Cook's political report labeled the guy as one of the ten most vulnerable Republicans in 2012.

    He loves Planned Parenthood because his ass is grass if he doesn't. Capisce?

Comments are closed.