stop the chickens

Will This Chicken Monster Be Our New Vice President?

Suck on this, SantelliHoly beans, Rob Portman is a chicken! Someone just got a lot more qualified for the vice presidency. WATCH THE VIDEO BELOW and then ask yourselves, hmm, what should Joe Biden counter with in their debate? He does a mean impression of a human taking a shit, we hear.

Eh, still not as good as this:


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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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      1. JustPixelz

        Nugent is in the Vietnam cohort, which means he would have been drafted. But he probably told the drill sergeant what a loving man he (Nugent) is and how he'll suck the dick of anyone who can prove otherwise.

    1. RedneckMuslin

      Cheney now that he's got that Breitbart heart.
      No, my bad, that still makes him a 100% chicken.

      1. DustBowlBlues

        I hate Mark McKinnon. I know he's not the guy in the video, but the name is close enough to start my hate Mark Mc.. hate engine. Dipshit was a Democrat before he got a deep, deep man crush on Junior Bush. He used to wear a cowboy hat. Imagine, that weenie in a cowboy hat.

    2. Steverino247

      A friend's wife was half-woman, half-chicken. He said she was a crazy bitch to live with, but he needed the eggs.

  1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Well, if Romney is elected, all we will be left with is chicken feed, so it is appropriate.

  2. Callyson

    "The chicken comes first"

    That is WAY more information than I wanted about Rob Portman's sex life…

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Helpful hint, fellas: When fucking a chicken and approaching your zenith, make sure you break the chicken's neck. The dying quivers will enhance your pleasure!!!

      1. Negropolis

        I'm worried about you, Balder, very worried. You sound like a…a…Republican.

  3. Mumbletypeg

    …Cannot watch on work-firewall'd PC;
    I regret the terror.**

    **He does a mean impression of a human taking a shit

  4. sbj1964

    Just another GOP bottom feeder!WTF can't they do anything right?Might as well put Sarah Palin up!

  5. SorosBot

    And here, the headline "Will This Chicken Monster Be Our New Vice President?" made me think Callista Gingrich was in the running.

  6. skoalrebel

    Connect the dots, sheeple. [spit!] His name is an anagram for "No Tramp Rob." That means that he's an OK guy, a real manly man. [spit!] Not some smooth talkin' dude who'd leave you waiting for his call after you thought you really connected at the death metal concert. [spit!] But I digress…. My point being that he's got the kind of name that will work, strategically, in the election. [spit!] Cuz the name is also an anagram for "Born to ramp," and we all know what that means.

    1. el_donaldo

      Also "Barn Rot Mop." Which is a pretty good use for a chicken, if you ask me.

    1. BornInATrailer

      I was going to go with "Another Republican well versed in cock. Color me surprised." but I feel one cock joke is enough.

  7. FakaktaSouth

    This guy is the other white meat from Ohio, right?

    Whatever. You say Portman and all I see is Natalie going down on that other chick in Black Swan. That's the only scene in that entire movie I have ever seen not in fast forward.

    I want Joe to start barking at him during the debate like Dave Chappelle "keeping it real."

  8. pdiddycornchips

    You know, say what you want but Mittens is a hard working man with a knack for doing the impossible. People said he would never find anyone duller than himself. Did Mittster give up? Hell no! He searched and he searched and finally, he noticed him. That dull looking guy with the dull suit who never said anything that wasn't overwhelmingly dull. Ladies and Gentleman, I give you, Rob Portman.

    1. Negropolis

      Serial killer.

      It's always the clean-cut senator-types. Oh, and Charlie Manson-types. Quite a range, huh?

  9. JustPixelz

    Careful Portman. Sarah Palin™ feeds dudes like you into a decapitation machine.

  10. actor212

    If he's that good at being chicken, shouldn't he be running for President of France?

    "And next on CNBC, the Chancellor of the Exchequer will make artificial farts under his arm"

  11. chascates

    You have to ask yourself: are you better off now than you were four chickens ago?

  12. Baconzgood

    "I'm from Ohio"

    Does that mean you can also do an impression of shitty football teams too?

  13. Dildeaux

    Dude lived in my neighborhood. Being the pissy little liebrul I am, I would spit at his mailbox while on my morning run.

  14. CountryClubJihadi

    Great, can't wait to hear his version of "Who Let the Hens Out?"
    Nice bronzer, also.

  15. DustBowlBlues

    OT, but Martin Basher just pretty much eviscerated Joe Barton over Meals on Wheels, subsidized school lunches and kid's health care budgets being slashed in the GOP deal on college loans. My enjoyment was dampened, I admit, when MB asked a question of Joe, pointing out he is a United Methodist.

    Still, MB kept pushing at Joe's "memorized" deficit response. Then the asshole Republic has the nerve to defend the cuts by saying we should be educating our kids for the new job market and, somehow, blaming these people for not getting out and getting a job.

    I wonder if the 80 and 90 year old Oldz around here would be less enthusiastic about the Republics if they knew they wanted Oldz and kids to get off their asses and start earning their way. WTF? Educating hungry, sick kids for the Thomas Friedman world to come? The GOP platform will include the requirement that Oldz should be earning their way by supervising children when they replace union card-carrying janitors. My prayer today is that Jesus protects liberals from his rabid followers.

  16. MaxUdargo

    I love the initial reaction of the news team: "Uh… maybe if we ignore him he'll stop making those weird noises. Ah, shit, the more we ignore him the louder he makes the noises. Oh, Jesus."

  17. jacqfire

    This is why Cleveland needs to leave the state and glom on to some other state or something. For the record, we barely know this dude, and I don't know anyone who does chicken impressions…cows maybe, but not chickens.

    1. Negropolis

      Honestly, everything on the lake might as well be a different state, from Toledo to Ashtabula.

  18. ttommyunger

    I swear to God if the Right gets any whiter I'll come down with snow-blindness.

  19. Negropolis

    He's just like us!

    Oh, Ohio. So close to Indiana and so far from heaven.

    Hang in there, Sherrod. Ohio needs you more than ever before.

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