STOP THE CHICKENS  2:48 pm May 8, 2012

Will This Chicken Monster Be Our New Vice President?

by Jim Newell

Suck on this, SantelliHoly beans, Rob Portman is a chicken! Someone just got a lot more qualified for the vice presidency. WATCH THE VIDEO BELOW and then ask yourselves, hmm, what should Joe Biden counter with in their debate? He does a mean impression of a human taking a shit, we hear.

Eh, still not as good as this:

[Buzzfeed]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 72 comments }

tihond May 8, 2012 at 2:50 pm

You know who else was part chicken?

Barb May 8, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Ted Nugent, when it came time to enlist?

SorosBot May 8, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Along with Dick Cheney, Mitt Romney, W., Newt Gingrich, …

Mumbly_Joe May 8, 2012 at 3:32 pm

…Reagan…

Tundra Grifter May 8, 2012 at 3:33 pm
JustPixelz May 8, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Nugent is in the Vietnam cohort, which means he would have been drafted. But he probably told the drill sergeant what a loving man he (Nugent) is and how he'll suck the dick of anyone who can prove otherwise.

RedneckMuslin May 8, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Cheney now that he's got that Breitbart heart.
No, my bad, that still makes him a 100% chicken.

Callyson May 8, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Sue Lowden?

tihond May 8, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Callista?

magpie May 8, 2012 at 3:33 pm

No, no no..She is the Chicken Lady.

ifthethunderdontgetya May 8, 2012 at 3:03 pm
BaldarTFlagass May 8, 2012 at 3:03 pm

I dated a gal once that had chicken legs, for what it's worth.

weejee May 8, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Well Rush Limpblow is about as foul as it gets and he boiled his own ass to dodge the draft.

actor212 May 8, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Me, before I was done with the Perdue hen

Baconzgood May 8, 2012 at 3:04 pm
Mumbletypeg May 8, 2012 at 3:10 pm

LOVE him [/her?]

DustBowlBlues May 8, 2012 at 3:27 pm

I hate Mark McKinnon. I know he's not the guy in the video, but the name is close enough to start my hate Mark Mc.. hate engine. Dipshit was a Democrat before he got a deep, deep man crush on Junior Bush. He used to wear a cowboy hat. Imagine, that weenie in a cowboy hat.

imissopus May 8, 2012 at 3:04 pm
Tundra Grifter May 8, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Col. Sanders?

Steverino247 May 8, 2012 at 3:55 pm

A friend's wife was half-woman, half-chicken. He said she was a crazy bitch to live with, but he needed the eggs.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 8, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Well, if Romney is elected, all we will be left with is chicken feed, so it is appropriate.

Callyson May 8, 2012 at 2:51 pm

"The chicken comes first"

That is WAY more information than I wanted about Rob Portman's sex life…

sullivanst May 8, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Bah. More science denial from the GOP!

Barb May 8, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Keep fucking that chicken!

BaldarTFlagass May 8, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Helpful hint, fellas: When fucking a chicken and approaching your zenith, make sure you break the chicken's neck. The dying quivers will enhance your pleasure!!!

skoalrebel May 8, 2012 at 3:04 pm

I don't have a Zenith. [spit!] My TV is a Panasonic.

BaldarTFlagass May 8, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Jap-loving commie! Only American TVs!

actor212 May 8, 2012 at 3:16 pm

But they don't sell Zenith down at the Wal-mart!

actor212 May 8, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Joe Scarborough? Is that you?

Negropolis May 9, 2012 at 1:24 am

I'm worried about you, Balder, very worried. You sound like a…a…Republican.

RedneckMuslin May 8, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Another Republican Chicken Hawk?

Mumbletypeg May 8, 2012 at 2:52 pm

WATCH THE VIDEO BELOW
…Cannot watch on work-firewall'd PC;
I regret the terror.**

**He does a mean impression of a human taking a shit
DO NOT WANT

GuanoFaucet May 8, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Well, that beats Romney's impression of a human being.

Maman May 8, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Oh for the love of fuck. What is the point of that?

DrunkIrishman May 8, 2012 at 2:53 pm

No.

sbj1964 May 8, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Just another GOP bottom feeder!WTF can't they do anything right?Might as well put Sarah Palin up!

SorosBot May 8, 2012 at 2:54 pm

And here, the headline "Will This Chicken Monster Be Our New Vice President?" made me think Callista Gingrich was in the running.

skoalrebel May 8, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Connect the dots, sheeple. [spit!] His name is an anagram for "No Tramp Rob." That means that he's an OK guy, a real manly man. [spit!] Not some smooth talkin' dude who'd leave you waiting for his call after you thought you really connected at the death metal concert. [spit!] But I digress…. My point being that he's got the kind of name that will work, strategically, in the election. [spit!] Cuz the name is also an anagram for "Born to ramp," and we all know what that means.

actor212 May 8, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Hoverounds for all!

el_donaldo May 8, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Also "Barn Rot Mop." Which is a pretty good use for a chicken, if you ask me.

swell65 May 8, 2012 at 10:19 pm

VICE PRESIDENT ROB PORTMAN =BRR, DO CRAVE IMPOTENT PENIS

DaRooster May 8, 2012 at 2:55 pm

"I got a big-big-big-bigCOCK!"

BornInATrailer May 8, 2012 at 2:58 pm

I was going to go with "Another Republican well versed in cock. Color me surprised." but I feel one cock joke is enough.

elviouslyqueer May 8, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Keep clucking that shittin', Robbie.

FakaktaSouth May 8, 2012 at 2:56 pm

This guy is the other white meat from Ohio, right?

Whatever. You say Portman and all I see is Natalie going down on that other chick in Black Swan. That's the only scene in that entire movie I have ever seen not in fast forward.

I want Joe to start barking at him during the debate like Dave Chappelle "keeping it real."

Oblios_Cap May 8, 2012 at 2:57 pm

He's a lot more charismatic than that Willard fellow.

pdiddycornchips May 8, 2012 at 2:57 pm

You know, say what you want but Mittens is a hard working man with a knack for doing the impossible. People said he would never find anyone duller than himself. Did Mittster give up? Hell no! He searched and he searched and finally, he noticed him. That dull looking guy with the dull suit who never said anything that wasn't overwhelmingly dull. Ladies and Gentleman, I give you, Rob Portman.

BaldarTFlagass May 8, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Dude blinks in slow motion. What the fuck?

Negropolis May 9, 2012 at 1:32 am

Serial killer.

It's always the clean-cut senator-types. Oh, and Charlie Manson-types. Quite a range, huh?

Not_So_Much May 8, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Bet he makes the exact same noise with a Koch cock in him.

JustPixelz May 8, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Careful Portman. Sarah Palin™ feeds dudes like you into a decapitation machine.

SorosBot May 8, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Mittens: "I've made a huge mistake".

Radiotherapy May 8, 2012 at 3:07 pm

There goes the vegan vote.

actor212 May 8, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Yes, and on CNBC, too! I'm sure the overseas markets took great comfort in Portman's special talent.

actor212 May 8, 2012 at 3:10 pm

If he's that good at being chicken, shouldn't he be running for President of France?

"And next on CNBC, the Chancellor of the Exchequer will make artificial farts under his arm"

chascates May 8, 2012 at 3:13 pm

You have to ask yourself: are you better off now than you were four chickens ago?

Baconzgood May 8, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Tee-Hee

"Cock"

Baconzgood May 8, 2012 at 3:15 pm

"I'm from Ohio"

Does that mean you can also do an impression of shitty football teams too?

Negropolis May 9, 2012 at 1:33 am

Burn!

Suck it, Buckeyes!

Dildeaux May 8, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Dude lived in my neighborhood. Being the pissy little liebrul I am, I would spit at his mailbox while on my morning run.

DustBowlBlues May 8, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Lots of spittle on this thread.

Baconzgood May 8, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Then he went berzerk in the green room.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rfHQ8PpIWFM

Chill-A-Sketch May 8, 2012 at 3:31 pm

I can't wait until Old Handsome Joe Biden skullfucks Senator Chickenshit in a debate.

CountryClubJihadi May 8, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Great, can't wait to hear his version of "Who Let the Hens Out?"
Nice bronzer, also.

johnnymeatworth May 8, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Was he an ANALRAPIST before he got into politics?

DustBowlBlues May 8, 2012 at 3:41 pm

OT, but Martin Basher just pretty much eviscerated Joe Barton over Meals on Wheels, subsidized school lunches and kid's health care budgets being slashed in the GOP deal on college loans. My enjoyment was dampened, I admit, when MB asked a question of Joe, pointing out he is a United Methodist.

Still, MB kept pushing at Joe's "memorized" deficit response. Then the asshole Republic has the nerve to defend the cuts by saying we should be educating our kids for the new job market and, somehow, blaming these people for not getting out and getting a job.

I wonder if the 80 and 90 year old Oldz around here would be less enthusiastic about the Republics if they knew they wanted Oldz and kids to get off their asses and start earning their way. WTF? Educating hungry, sick kids for the Thomas Friedman world to come? The GOP platform will include the requirement that Oldz should be earning their way by supervising children when they replace union card-carrying janitors. My prayer today is that Jesus protects liberals from his rabid followers.

MaxUdargo May 8, 2012 at 4:24 pm

I love the initial reaction of the news team: "Uh… maybe if we ignore him he'll stop making those weird noises. Ah, shit, the more we ignore him the louder he makes the noises. Oh, Jesus."

jacqfire May 8, 2012 at 5:31 pm

This is why Cleveland needs to leave the state and glom on to some other state or something. For the record, we barely know this dude, and I don't know anyone who does chicken impressions…cows maybe, but not chickens.

Negropolis May 9, 2012 at 1:36 am

Honestly, everything on the lake might as well be a different state, from Toledo to Ashtabula.

BZ1 May 8, 2012 at 7:06 pm

The VP stakes take a turn toward the barnyard

ttommyunger May 8, 2012 at 10:54 pm

I swear to God if the Right gets any whiter I'll come down with snow-blindness.

Negropolis May 9, 2012 at 1:01 am

He's just like us!

Oh, Ohio. So close to Indiana and so far from heaven.

Hang in there, Sherrod. Ohio needs you more than ever before.

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