stop the chickens

Will This Chicken Monster Be Our New Vice President?

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Suck on this, SantelliHoly beans, Rob Portman is a chicken! Someone just got a lot more qualified for the vice presidency. WATCH THE VIDEO BELOW and then ask yourselves, hmm, what should Joe Biden counter with in their debate? He does a mean impression of a human taking a shit, we hear.

Eh, still not as good as this:

[Buzzfeed]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

Comments

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  • tihond

    You know who else was part chicken?

    • Barb

      Ted Nugent, when it came time to enlist?

      • SorosBot

        Along with Dick Cheney, Mitt Romney, W., Newt Gingrich, …

      • JustPixelz

        Nugent is in the Vietnam cohort, which means he would have been drafted. But he probably told the drill sergeant what a loving man he (Nugent) is and how he'll suck the dick of anyone who can prove otherwise.

    • RedneckMuslin

      Cheney now that he's got that Breitbart heart.
      No, my bad, that still makes him a 100% chicken.

    • Callyson

      Sue Lowden?

    • tihond

      Callista?

      • magpie

        No, no no..She is the Chicken Lady.

    • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya
    • BaldarTFlagass

      I dated a gal once that had chicken legs, for what it's worth.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Well Rush Limpblow is about as foul as it gets and he boiled his own ass to dodge the draft.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Me, before I was done with the Perdue hen

    • Baconzgood
      • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

        LOVE him [/her?]

      • DustBowlBlues

        I hate Mark McKinnon. I know he's not the guy in the video, but the name is close enough to start my hate Mark Mc.. hate engine. Dipshit was a Democrat before he got a deep, deep man crush on Junior Bush. He used to wear a cowboy hat. Imagine, that weenie in a cowboy hat.

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus
    • Tundra Grifter

      Col. Sanders?

    • Steverino247

      A friend's wife was half-woman, half-chicken. He said she was a crazy bitch to live with, but he needed the eggs.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Well, if Romney is elected, all we will be left with is chicken feed, so it is appropriate.

  • Callyson

    "The chicken comes first"

    That is WAY more information than I wanted about Rob Portman's sex life…

    • sullivanst

      Bah. More science denial from the GOP!

  • Barb

    Keep fucking that chicken!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Helpful hint, fellas: When fucking a chicken and approaching your zenith, make sure you break the chicken's neck. The dying quivers will enhance your pleasure!!!

      • skoalrebel

        I don't have a Zenith. [spit!] My TV is a Panasonic.

        • BaldarTFlagass

          Jap-loving commie! Only American TVs!

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            But they don't sell Zenith down at the Wal-mart!

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Joe Scarborough? Is that you?

      • Negropolis

        I'm worried about you, Balder, very worried. You sound like a…a…Republican.

  • RedneckMuslin

    Another Republican Chicken Hawk?

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    WATCH THE VIDEO BELOW
    …Cannot watch on work-firewall'd PC;
    I regret the terror.**

    **He does a mean impression of a human taking a shit
    DO NOT WANT

  • GuanoFaucet

    Well, that beats Romney's impression of a human being.

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    Oh for the love of fuck. What is the point of that?

  • DrunkIrishman

    No.

  • sbj1964

    Just another GOP bottom feeder!WTF can't they do anything right?Might as well put Sarah Palin up!

  • SorosBot

    And here, the headline "Will This Chicken Monster Be Our New Vice President?" made me think Callista Gingrich was in the running.

  • skoalrebel

    Connect the dots, sheeple. [spit!] His name is an anagram for "No Tramp Rob." That means that he's an OK guy, a real manly man. [spit!] Not some smooth talkin' dude who'd leave you waiting for his call after you thought you really connected at the death metal concert. [spit!] But I digress…. My point being that he's got the kind of name that will work, strategically, in the election. [spit!] Cuz the name is also an anagram for "Born to ramp," and we all know what that means.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Hoverounds for all!

    • el_donaldo

      Also "Barn Rot Mop." Which is a pretty good use for a chicken, if you ask me.

    • swell65

      VICE PRESIDENT ROB PORTMAN =BRR, DO CRAVE IMPOTENT PENIS

  • DaRooster

    "I got a big-big-big-bigCOCK!"

    • BornInATrailer

      I was going to go with "Another Republican well versed in cock. Color me surprised." but I feel one cock joke is enough.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Keep clucking that shittin', Robbie.

  • FakaktaSouth

    This guy is the other white meat from Ohio, right?

    Whatever. You say Portman and all I see is Natalie going down on that other chick in Black Swan. That's the only scene in that entire movie I have ever seen not in fast forward.

    I want Joe to start barking at him during the debate like Dave Chappelle "keeping it real."

  • Oblios_Cap

    He's a lot more charismatic than that Willard fellow.

  • pdiddycornchips

    You know, say what you want but Mittens is a hard working man with a knack for doing the impossible. People said he would never find anyone duller than himself. Did Mittster give up? Hell no! He searched and he searched and finally, he noticed him. That dull looking guy with the dull suit who never said anything that wasn't overwhelmingly dull. Ladies and Gentleman, I give you, Rob Portman.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Dude blinks in slow motion. What the fuck?

    • Negropolis

      Serial killer.

      It's always the clean-cut senator-types. Oh, and Charlie Manson-types. Quite a range, huh?

  • Not_So_Much

    Bet he makes the exact same noise with a Koch cock in him.

  • JustPixelz

    Careful Portman. Sarah Palin™ feeds dudes like you into a decapitation machine.

  • SorosBot

    Mittens: "I've made a huge mistake".

  • Radiotherapy

    There goes the vegan vote.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Yes, and on CNBC, too! I'm sure the overseas markets took great comfort in Portman's special talent.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    If he's that good at being chicken, shouldn't he be running for President of France?

    "And next on CNBC, the Chancellor of the Exchequer will make artificial farts under his arm"

  • chascates

    You have to ask yourself: are you better off now than you were four chickens ago?

  • Baconzgood

    Tee-Hee

    "Cock"

  • Baconzgood

    "I'm from Ohio"

    Does that mean you can also do an impression of shitty football teams too?

    • Negropolis

      Burn!

      Suck it, Buckeyes!

  • Dildeaux

    Dude lived in my neighborhood. Being the pissy little liebrul I am, I would spit at his mailbox while on my morning run.

    • DustBowlBlues

      Lots of spittle on this thread.

  • Baconzgood

    Then he went berzerk in the green room.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rfHQ8PpIWFM

  • http://wonkette.com Chill-A-Sketch

    I can't wait until Old Handsome Joe Biden skullfucks Senator Chickenshit in a debate.

  • CountryClubJihadi

    Great, can't wait to hear his version of "Who Let the Hens Out?"
    Nice bronzer, also.

  • johnnymeatworth

    Was he an ANALRAPIST before he got into politics?

  • DustBowlBlues

    OT, but Martin Basher just pretty much eviscerated Joe Barton over Meals on Wheels, subsidized school lunches and kid's health care budgets being slashed in the GOP deal on college loans. My enjoyment was dampened, I admit, when MB asked a question of Joe, pointing out he is a United Methodist.

    Still, MB kept pushing at Joe's "memorized" deficit response. Then the asshole Republic has the nerve to defend the cuts by saying we should be educating our kids for the new job market and, somehow, blaming these people for not getting out and getting a job.

    I wonder if the 80 and 90 year old Oldz around here would be less enthusiastic about the Republics if they knew they wanted Oldz and kids to get off their asses and start earning their way. WTF? Educating hungry, sick kids for the Thomas Friedman world to come? The GOP platform will include the requirement that Oldz should be earning their way by supervising children when they replace union card-carrying janitors. My prayer today is that Jesus protects liberals from his rabid followers.

  • http://www.udargo.com MaxUdargo

    I love the initial reaction of the news team: "Uh… maybe if we ignore him he'll stop making those weird noises. Ah, shit, the more we ignore him the louder he makes the noises. Oh, Jesus."

  • jacqfire

    This is why Cleveland needs to leave the state and glom on to some other state or something. For the record, we barely know this dude, and I don't know anyone who does chicken impressions…cows maybe, but not chickens.

    • Negropolis

      Honestly, everything on the lake might as well be a different state, from Toledo to Ashtabula.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    The VP stakes take a turn toward the barnyard

  • ttommyunger

    I swear to God if the Right gets any whiter I'll come down with snow-blindness.

  • Negropolis

    He's just like us!

    Oh, Ohio. So close to Indiana and so far from heaven.

    Hang in there, Sherrod. Ohio needs you more than ever before.