AMERICAN PASTIMES  2:25 pm May 8, 2012

Hoosiers To Beat Up Old Man

by Jim Newell

Playgirl timeAfter 36 years in the Senate, Indiana’s Dick Lugar will likely see his political career end tonight for the simple reason that he’s talked to President Obama in good faith a couple of times over the past several years. That’s really it! Bob Bennett’s primary loss in 2010 was pretty bad, too, but at least they could point to the fact that he co-authored a health care bill with an individual mandate. (As have most Republicans at some point, so nevermind.) Dick Lugar, though? Here’s a plain conservative white-haired feller who’s put in several decades getting Indianans whatever they want — and, since Republicans will probably win the Senate, is now in line to get them infinitely more with his seniority — but, regrettably, hasn’t punched enough Mexicans in the face over the last six years or called Obama a Farty Hitler yet. Oh, and he has a house in Washington, where he works! Destroy him!

Maybe this likely loss doesn’t have much to do with his record at all. He’s only losing because the Club for Growth picked his name out of a hat as Guy We Will Destroy Now Just To Show That We Can:

Outside groups have spent more than $1.3 million supporting Mourdock as well as more than $1.6 million in opposition to Lugar. Some groups jumping into the fray include the National Rifle Association and FreedomWorks. The biggest player in the race has been the super PAC Club for Growth Action, spending more than $1.4 million.

Barney Keller, a spokesman for the Club for Growth, the Washington-based organization which advocates for lower taxes, said his organization’s PAC “believes that there is a big difference between Sen. Lugar’s record of support for bailouts, tax increases and record levels of debt and Richard Mourdock’s opposition to tax increases, bailouts and records level of debt.”

Enjoy your new backbench junior senator with no power, who won’t procure earmarks, and will vote the same way as Dick Lugar on 99.9% of all bills, Hoosier geniuses!

[CBS News]

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el_donaldo May 8, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Mourdock?! Have these Indianans never read a single fantasy novel?! The dude's gotta be a necromancer with a name like that.

actor212 May 8, 2012 at 2:31 pm

There were an unusual number of acupuncture needles hammered into his face…

Fairtackle May 8, 2012 at 2:41 pm

That is an awesomely evil name. Can totally see him dressed in evil necromancer robes, stirring a steaming cauldron of santorum.

Sir_Fartz_Alot May 8, 2012 at 6:12 pm

eye of Newt?

Doktor StrangeZoom May 8, 2012 at 2:48 pm

When Scooby Doo and the gang take off his fancy rubber mask, they're going to find out that the "Wizard" was just Old Man Murdoch all the time!

Guppy May 8, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Hell, I misread it as "Murdoch."

Which reminds me: he's been naturalized long enough, why isn't he fucking things up more directly?

BornInATrailer May 8, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Dick Lugar is an Eloi.

Mumbly_Joe May 8, 2012 at 3:08 pm

He weilds a soul-stealing demonic Super-PAC

Lascauxcaveman May 8, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Is it too much to hope for a Democratic senator from Indiana this time?

Yes, it's probably too much.

actor212 May 8, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Don't be too surprised if it happens. Lugar has been pointing to polls that indicate the Democrat would beat Mordor…I mean, Mourdock.

GOPCrusher May 8, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Evan Bayh?
Oh wait. You said Democratic.

tihond May 8, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Old Softwood

horsedreamer_1 May 8, 2012 at 11:07 pm


Callyson May 8, 2012 at 2:37 pm

The DSCC says the guy running for the Dems has a real chance. He's a Blue Dog type, but if that keeps the Senate majority away from the Reeps it may be worth it:

BerkeleyBear May 8, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Presidential cycles in Indiana are pretty competitive in state-wide races, if the Dems don't shoot themselves in the foot (their opponent to Mitch Daniels 4 years ago was a train wreck because the primary was close enough the winner ran out of money in the general, and they did have Dems in at least some state wide positions most of the last 4 decades). Marion and Lake counties vote blue and are the two biggest population hubs in the state, and generally come out stronger in Presidential years. With pscyho Mike Pence running for Governor and Mourdock for Senator, Independents may be scared enough to vote Dem. Still, it will be close.

fuflans May 8, 2012 at 10:14 pm

this means i'm probably spending weekends in IN in october.


HistoriCat May 9, 2012 at 10:28 am

We love you for your dedication fuflans.

Radiotherapy May 8, 2012 at 2:30 pm

You know who else used a Lugar to shoot themselves in the head?

Lascauxcaveman May 8, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Suicide? I'll asp Cleopatra; see if she knows.

SayItWithWookies May 8, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Erwin Rommel?

weejee May 8, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Todd Palin? (the rest of him doesn't know he's a zombie as of yet)

GOPCrusher May 8, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Miss Elizabeth, former wife of Randy Savage.

actor212 May 8, 2012 at 2:38 pm


Wile E. Quixote May 8, 2012 at 2:39 pm
RedneckMuslin May 8, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Don Cornelius?

tihond May 8, 2012 at 2:30 pm

*Begins a slow clap* Clap Clap Clap

Chill-A-Sketch May 8, 2012 at 2:30 pm

"Dick Lugar," what an awesome name (for an asshole).

SorosBot May 8, 2012 at 2:31 pm

One does not simple walk into Mourdock. Its black gates are guarded by more than just orcs. There is evil there that does not sleep, and the Great Eye is ever watchful. It is a barren wasteland, riddled with fire and ash and dust, the very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. Not with ten thousand men could you do this. It is folly.

TheSheriffsNear May 8, 2012 at 5:21 pm

That was stretching the joke a bit, SorosBot. Nonetheless, I support all Tolkein references on general princple. Thus a thumbs up for you, esteemed Wonketteer.

doloras May 8, 2012 at 8:30 pm

In Soviet Mordor, Boromir simply walks into YOU.

Abernathy May 8, 2012 at 2:31 pm

I know I shouldn't enjoy seeing extreme dickhead Republicans beat up on regular dickhead Republicans, but I do.

LastGasp May 8, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Internecine warfare has the net effect of leaving a lot of casualties, so keep stabbing 'em in the back, teabaggers!

Barb May 8, 2012 at 2:31 pm

I hope this is the last we will see of this Dick.

Callyson May 8, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Yeah, but his would – be successor is an even bigger dick.

skoalrebel May 8, 2012 at 2:33 pm

I went running through the streets like that once [spit!] But at least I had an excuse: the meth lab blew up. Dick Lugar is trying to outrun a teabagging, and I don't think he has a chance.

MissTaken May 8, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Teabagging is fun!

actor212 May 8, 2012 at 2:36 pm

I think you'll need to provide evidence of this claim

Sharkey May 8, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Mourdock’s balls are bigger than Dick's.

Steverino247 May 8, 2012 at 2:39 pm

Maybe so, but it would be good to know who is squeezing them at this moment.

FakaktaSouth May 8, 2012 at 2:35 pm

There is a weird kind of sex stuff I learned about on wonkette – yes, the dreaded Bukkake (I've learnt other weird sex stuff here too, it's just that's the one that is applicable in this situation).

That is what the Club for Growth and NRA reminds me of now. Just a buncha jerk offs doing stuff to show people what huge dicks they are and writhing around in the mess of it. They are gross.

chicken_thief May 8, 2012 at 2:42 pm

"….I learned about on wonkette…."

You're supposed to blame someone not present – like Obama. Or Hitler. Not someone who could respond with a denial.

FakaktaSouth May 8, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Baby I am being discreet – cause I could tell you the exact (first, cause it's rampant, I know) commenter from where this info came (haha) all over me (HAHAHAHA)
ANYway, it was BURNED IN MY POOR BRAIN and I thought I was above being freaked out over here

Lascauxcaveman May 8, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Then DO NOT, under any circumstances do a google-image search for … nope, not gonna go there.

tessiee May 8, 2012 at 2:54 pm

if you learned something here, Mitt will take a lot of credit for it.

SayItWithWookies May 8, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Dick Lugar qualified as a genius because he was the only Senate Republican who knew anything about a foreign country that wasn't Switzerland or the Cayman Islands. In actual human terms, though, he was kind of an airhead, even if he was a moderate airhead. I hope the people of Indiana elect an actual smart person to replace him, even if that means they have to scramble around to find a Democrat to do it.

Lascauxcaveman May 8, 2012 at 2:39 pm

You might be giving them a *teensy* bit too much credit. Airheads' a done a good by them so far.

elviouslyqueer May 8, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Eli Manning, anyone? Anyone?

chicken_thief May 8, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Damn, you are a dreamer, aren't you?

SayItWithWookies May 8, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Hey, everybody's gotta get sick of shit sometime. If not Indianans, who? If not now, when?

ttommyunger May 8, 2012 at 2:37 pm

This toothy little gnome is the poster boy for term limits. He should have retired years ago and found a nice little bridge to live under. I give a fuck less who gets his seat, Indiana is a lost cause anyway, except for the pusse'.

GOPCrusher May 8, 2012 at 2:48 pm

If Yahoo comments are any example, the Tea Baggers are ragey about the fact that he helped create the deficit, but when it comes right down to it, his real crime is that he actually worked with Democrats while in the Senate.

ttommyunger May 8, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Damned if you do, damned if ya don't. Teabaggers are the best thing to come along for the D's in a long time.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 8, 2012 at 2:39 pm

I once had someone perform a Dick Lugar on me…., it was great.

owhatever May 8, 2012 at 2:39 pm

Bye, Dick. Hello, bigger dick.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 8, 2012 at 2:39 pm

So, is the Republican Party now officially getting rid of anyone that may have some sanity?

el_donaldo May 8, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Also any sense of shame.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 8, 2012 at 7:47 pm

I'm pretty sure that ended with Dick Nixon.

coolhandnuke May 8, 2012 at 2:40 pm

Replacing one Dick with another dick reminds me of that scene from Hoosiers where Gene Hackman has one of his players get on the shoulders of another player and measures the distance from the basketball rim to the gym floor–"ten feet, same as our gym."

Dashboard Buddha May 8, 2012 at 2:41 pm

"Republicans will probably win the Senate"

What now? Really?

GuyClinch May 8, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Did Lugar receive a thigh transplant from circa 1993 Bill Clinton? Throw a sheet over those things! Gah!

chicken_thief May 8, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Wha – can you see Monica's drool?!

Baconzgood May 8, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Meh. One less dick in the senate.

Wile E. Quixote May 8, 2012 at 2:46 pm

So we have a white guy named "Dick" getting teabagged by another white guy named "Dick". That's par for the Republican course these days.

Buzz Feedback May 8, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Good riddance.

Fairtackle May 8, 2012 at 2:48 pm

“It was kind of like how the Romans used to, you know, conquer villages in the Mediterranean. They’d go in to a little Turkish town somewhere, they’d find the first five guys they saw and they’d crucify them.

“Then, you know, that town was really easy to manage for the next few years.”

tessiee May 8, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Dick Lugar! Punch Rockgroin! Blast Hardcheese! Smoke Manmuscle!:

OneYieldRegular May 8, 2012 at 2:59 pm

…and joining other special guests for tonight's "A Tributary of the Amazon": Jerry Lewis! Glen Campbell! Soupy Sales! Bea Arthur! Rowan and Martin! Charo! Wayland Flowers and Madame!

Guppy May 8, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Sorry, but the "Vote incumbent, because seniority!" argument has never sat well with me. Why should we reward incumbents for stacking the deck in their favor?

imissopus May 8, 2012 at 2:58 pm

How about in this case, "Vote incumbent because he's not a teatard wackaloon"?

Doktor StrangeZoom May 8, 2012 at 3:02 pm

OT, but check this out: for the time being, at least, the New Yorker has un-paywalled the full Art Spiegelman/ Maurice Sendak collaboration from 1993.

Billmatic May 8, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Obviously they should have nominated Ron Swanson.

sullivanst May 8, 2012 at 3:25 pm


Everybody knows the man's a fool, he's crazy, he sees people that ain't there, and he's always talkin' in circles!

anniegetyerfun May 8, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Some little old Indianan lady was sputtering on the radio last night about Luger – HOW DARE HE DO WHAT HE IS DOING??!?! By which she meant, living in Washington DC, which apparently is the same thing as choking while fetuses to death or something.

James Michael Curley May 8, 2012 at 3:32 pm

I have nightmares about Hoosiers with Hoses.

JackDempsey1 May 8, 2012 at 3:48 pm

The first thing they oughta do is change the name of the state so it's not named after a group of damn foreigners with feathery hats. Howsabout something spinning off the name of a real hoosier like Larry Bird? "Larryland" has the east coast sophistication they might appreciate.

lochnessmonster May 8, 2012 at 5:20 pm

I think they should name it Letterman cuz he went to Ball State…or just call it Ball

BZ1 May 8, 2012 at 7:06 pm

Club for Growth, now, there's a misnomer!

George Spelvin May 8, 2012 at 10:21 pm

Club for Growth (of Rich Peoples' Money Bins)

horsedreamer_1 May 8, 2012 at 11:09 pm

Dennis Hopper's already dead.

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