Humble originsPoor ol’ New York Times columnist David Brooks, who writes 1600 dumb words for his newspaper per week, and that’s it, has purchased a $3.95 million home in Washington, DC. What a thrifty saver, and a model for all citizens. One day, if you write enough nonsense about yuppie brain studies and National Greatness and cumming on John Thune, you’ll be able to move out of your podunk $1.6 million Bethesda tenement and into a century-old DC mansion with “what appear to be vast spaces for entertaining.”

The worst part about this is that now, as an official DC resident, David Brooks is going to feel entitled to opine about local DC government issues, and we can say quite firmly — and listen up, David Brooks — that not one person on Earth wants to read that. Via Reliable Source:

Price: $3.95 million

Details: The New York Times op-ed columnist and wife Sarah are trading up — from their longtime home near Bethesda’s Burning Tree Club to a century-old (exquisitely renovated) five bedroom, four-and-a-half bath house in Cleveland Park. It includes a two-car garage, iron and stone fence, generous-sized porch and balcony, and what appear to be vast spaces for entertaining. The timing seems to have been right: After only a few days on the market, their old place (which also boasts five bedrooms) is under contract for $1.6 million.

Speaking of garish NYT columnist homes, was his old $1.6 million house the slave quarters at the Thomas Friedman estate?

[Reliable Source]

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  • nounverb911

    Needs more foreclosures.

    • The "For Sale" signs….they're just the right height

      • just the right height just the right height just the right height

        OK with "treason is just the right height" backthread you had me, laughing.
        But — GAH — enough with the…

        Say… you know who else *wasn't* just the right height?..

        • Schmannnity

          Nate Archibald?

        • DaRooster


        • Fare la Volpe

          English representations of Napoleon?

        • Errrr, Michael Dukakis?

          • I've heard Brooks himself is height-challenged or whatnot.

            Thanks for taking some ribbing at your expense, btw — it only occurred to me last-minute that, between Brooks' and Hitlers' purported short statures, you'd provided an opening for me to do a Going-Godwin~

        • GOPCrusher

          Spud Webb?

  • Schmannnity

    On a positive note, he has no representation in Congress.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Of course he does. He has a checkbook, doesn't he?

      • Schmannnity

        Oh, I forgot, Ben Franklin (Federalist).

  • hagajim

    I wish I had his gig when I was in the newz biz. Too bad for every David Brooks there are thousands of us who had to get out or starve.

    • Now now, $4 million is a mere pittance for selling your immortal soul.

    • finallyhappy

      we didn't starve- but that is because I had a job(I'm one of those commie socialist bad mommies who had kids and worked full time at a paying job and no household staff). eventually, he became a computer tech person. And as a person who has met David Brooks and seen him a few more times(as well as the outside of his Bethesda hovel), damn!

  • ttommyunger

    Proving once again where the real money is in America: middle-aged white men of the pussy-fart persuasion.

    • Crank_Tango

      On the upside, it should be easy to take it from them when the time comes.

      • Fare la Volpe

        I got the boiling oil at a low simmer. Just give the word.

      • ttommyunger

        As a former (and not too proud of it) hired thug, It depends on the loyalty of his staff.

    • GOPCrusher

      Was out at the company owner's house recently to work on his phone system. He now has a "panic" room installed in the center of the basement of his house.
      He is positive that one way or another, whether Obama is re-elected or not, that riots are going to break out and he will be targeted by the looters.
      If he wins, it will be looting of joy.
      If he loses, it will be looting in retribution.

      • ttommyunger

        In looting terms, I would prefer to be the looter rather than the lootee. Must be tough to live like that.

        • GOPCrusher

          Yeah, he sponsored a gun safety class here for employees that wanted to get their Concealed Carry permit.

          • ttommyunger

            Well, that shows he's not all bad….or just looking to recruit future security staff.

  • chicken_thief

    In Cleveland Park?! Hopefully it isn't too close to the burning river that runs through it.

    • Perhaps he will be swept away by Rock Creek.

    • The only burning river around there is when Brooks pour venom onto paper.

      • Fare la Volpe

        Or he takes a dump.

    • James Michael Curley

      That's twisted.

  • Mr Blandly Builds His Dream House

  • Four and one-half baths! He can have Newt as a house guest and still have a bathroom or two to spare.

  • DaRooster

    What kind of car elevator can one get with a paltry 4 mil?

  • LastGasp

    So now that David Brooks is "an official DC resident", will he finally get the street cred he so desperately wants?

  • Does it come with a salad bar with a sneeze shield?

  • edgydrifter

    What economic hardships? You shiftless slackers would all have giant historic mansions of your own if you'd just, uh… work smarter? Yes, work smarter at pulling up your own bootstraps with the invisible hand of exceptional freedom.

    • HELisforHEL

      I love this. It says it all, really it does.

  • Oblios_Cap

    I wish that I could force myself to write nonsense columns. Apparently, it pays really well.

    • The more nonsensical, the more it pays (explaining Friedman's bajillions + marrying a bajillionaire).

  • DaRooster

    “what appear to be vast spaces for entertaining.” = Titty bar?

    • Please! This is an upscale neighborhood. "Gentleman's Lounge" or "Breast Stop."

      • Fare la Volpe

        "Bosom Salon."

        • Oooh, damn, "Bust Stop" would have worked but I already used "Stop"…

      • HippieEsq

        Logic check: upscale and expensive are not the same thing!

    • HippieEsq

      That's what Good Guys is for, although it'll be awkward when he sees his teenage son hanging out there.

      • finallyhappy

        Good Guys is still around? how about Camelot and Archibalds- I don't get to those parts of Dc much but guys from my office in the 70's used to go to those places

  • freakishlywrong

    This, really, is what's wrong with this stupid country. Someone is paying that drivel spilling twafwaffle. Fuck paying him obscene amounts of money. That he gets paind anything at all is a travesty.

    • AutomaticPilot

      You've proved you're a more talented writer right there, just by using the phrase "drivel spilling twatwaffle."

  • HippieEsq

    Welcome Neighbor! If you smell something funny just up the street, it's not me…it's those darn AU kids.

    • Biff

      Meth kitchen?

      • HippieEsq

        If there is a Meth Kitchen in C. Park, then it really IS those darn AU kids. Although I hear the kids at Deal Middle School are pretty hard core.

    • mayor_quimby

      He should be careful lounging in the backyard, trimming his shrubbery, they are always finding old WWI mustard gas shells in that part of town.

      • HippieEsq

        When they build that new Giant on the West Side of C. Park, I'm terrified about what they'll dig up. If it winds up worse than the Spring Valley Ammo Dump then it may be enough to move for better air/water/soil quality…..perhaps some place like Mexico or Indonesia.

      • mayor_quimby

        Yeah, been a while since I was in school, but they were always finding shells in The AU area when some rich folks were trying to expand their wine cellars/BDSM fuck dungeons .
        Did you ever hear the rumor that Mckinley Hall at AU was rigged to collapse on itself In case of invasionto hide chemical weapon secrets?

  • Dashboard Buddha

    He looks like the kind of guy with a permanent 5 o'clock shadow…the sort of guy who has to shave while he's shaving.

  • Callyson

    I read that headline as "David Brooks Collects Enough Penises To Buy His $4 Million Dream House."

    • elviouslyqueer

      Substitute "Ross Douthat" for "David Brooks" and "Puerto Rican rentboy" for "$4 Million Dream House" and I would totally buy that story.

      • Douthat's creepy picture on NYT's site makes me feel like I should read stories somewhere else.

    • So you read it correctly.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      If collects = sucks then spot on.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    ….vast spaces for entertaining….
    Oh yeah, party at Bobo's.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    I'm assuming Mrs. Brooks has a really high-paying job or a lot of inherited money, because, really, I'd hate to think the Old Grey Lady is giving him that kind of scratch for his hastily scribbled boboisms.

    • He writes books, also, too. Not sure what about. Probably about how pregnant people should get married and poor people should self-deport themselves.

  • Lucidamente1

    Bobos in paradise, indeed.

  • It's a lot better to commit insurance fraud with!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Lol, four 'bobo' comments in two minutes. It's like we're a flash mob or something.

  • I also spend all day writing irrelevant, pseudo-intellectual shit no one reads…how come I'm so broke then?

    • OneYieldRegular

      There must be a problem with payroll. I'd suggest checking with Wonkette HR.

  • In Cleveland Park? Maybe Mark Shields can present Dave with an appropriate steamer on PBS this Friday.

  • sharethegrief

    Romney will lower Brooks' tax burden so he won't have to remain middle-class.

  • Ducksworthy

    Brooks looked into neuroscience far enough to see where childhood sexual trauma was the root of his conservative pathophilosophy, and then had himself lobotomized so he'd forget he ever learned about that.

    • "pathophilosophy", what a great word! For "conservatism"!

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Yo, chillin' with the Fauxhall Homies.

  • Yeah, but how much will the alligator-filled moat cost? Gotta plan ahead for the coming class warfare.

  • sbj1964

    Nice to be able to afford a house these days when so many are being kicked out of they'res by greedy bankers.Do you think he will ever write that piece?

  • Sir_Fartz_Alot

    wonder if they were all ass pennies?

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Not his, anyway. Besides, he doesn't need ass pennies to bolster his confidence. He relies purely on the strength of his writing for that.

    • Biff

      I think he stole them off the eyes of cadavers at the funeral home. Or maybe they were all Canadian–they won't be using them anymore…

    • Gay Dollars.

  • Ducksworthy

    But does Brooks love the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence and believe that they were divinely inspired, too? And that Rawmoney shot bin Laden in the eye while making a Mormon missionary house call?

    • Dashboard Buddha

      "Rawmoney shot"

      Lol…Mormon porn.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Brooks is a moderate Republican — so tell him what he has to believe and he'll believe it, whether he likes it or not. The trick is to give him one thing he can safely disagree about, just to prove he's independent.

  • JustPixelz

    I'm not familiar with Mr. Brooks' work because it is not on Wonkette or the Daily Show. And also is not porn.

    Hey NY Times! I write 1600 words a week FOR FREE, right here:

    • CapnFatback

      And also is not porn.

      Tell that to a hedge fund manager.

  • SorosBot

    Where can I get one of these jobs where I get millions just to write drivel on an opinion page anyway?

  • Generation[redacted]

    Your tax cuts at work!

  • Wile E. Quixote

    How much cock do you have to suck to get David Brooks' job? Seriously, the man is an idiot, he's never done anything significant with his life and has no job skills and as far as I can tell has basically made a career out of regurgitating bland soundbites designed to comfort the powers that be and regularly having his ass kicked by anyone who actually knows anything about sociology, economics, political science, etc. I can only assume, given that Brooks isn't very intelligent, isn't very bright and isn't very knowledgable of the world outside of the insular New York bubble he lives, that he must possess the kind of oral skills that the whores in Bangkok only dream of. Brooks must have a tongue that's long and flexible enough to penetrate even the most feculent of sphincters to massage even the most swollen of prostate glands as well a complete lack of anything resembling a gag-reflex or a sense of shame.

    • freakishlywrong

      Gee Wile, get off the fence. Like Mittens, I can't tell where you stand.

  • So he's still not good enough for Georgetown. Huh.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    "Poor ol’ New York Times columnist David Brooks, who writes 1600 dumb words for his newspaper per week, and that’s it, has purchased a $3.95 million home in Washington, DC."

    That's it, Brooks is paying for his own hookers and blow next time.

  • James Michael Curley

    We're gonna need you to write a comment before you can post it and buy your $4,000,000 home.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    and what appear to be vast spaces for entertaining.

    I assume in Conservative circles, that means each bathroom has a glory hole?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I hope it burns down.

    (While he's at "work," of course)

  • Native_of_SL_UT

    I work hard, pay attention to details. try like hell to keep my facts straight and try to deal with people with honesty and respect.
    I guess I'm doing it wrong.

  • In case anyone's wondering, the nearest Applebees franchises are in Fall's Church and College Park. I hope that's close enough for him, if he feels like hitting the salad bar.

  • Baconzgood

    1.6m for slave quarters. SEE people Michael Buchman was right. Black people had it better under slavery.

  • proudgrampa

    Don't read him. See him on Sunday morning occasionally. Not impressed. Just another overpaid hack, I guess.

  • mavenmaven

    Kathryn Jean Lopez just pissed herself.

  • SayItWithWookies

    David Brooks is an inspiration — it's nice to know that you can get that far in life when your only talent is always having lipstick that matches your shirt.

  • Oblios_Cap

    His wife must really be fun at parties.

  • HELisforHEL

    You would think that if he can afford that much for a home, he could get those damn nasty teeth fixed (or even better–have his jaw wired shut).

  • OneYieldRegular

    Burning Tree Club? Whaddya think of yer Moses now, Pharoah?

  • owhatever

    Only one multi-million $$$ home? Without even a private golf course? The Mittbots laugh, snorting milk through their blowholes.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      It's like that Volvo dealership in Palm Springs. The rich like to know that the help are driving sensible cars.

  • Rosie_Scenario

    So is Brooks now disenfranchised — at least re: Congress? Perhaps he will write in favor of D.C. statehood now.

  • SpiderCrab

    Like Bush 41, Brooks was born on third base, but unlike Bush the lesson Brooks drew from this is that he is an intellectual.

  • BZ1

    A prime time weasel, and Canjan, to boot!

  • 50-years old and no kids. Wonder who he's planning to invite to his vast entertainment space?

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