QUITTERS NEVER WIN  11:55 am May 8, 2012

Santorum Endorses Romney In Sad, Rambling Late-Night Email

by Josh Fruhlinger

Gee, wonder why he didn't hold a press conference to do thisOh, man, when you get a 16-paragraph email from someone at 11 pm you know that only good things are in it, right? Generally these things are some variation of “I DON’T NEED YOU, WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME, YOU NEVER LOVED ME.” But Rick Santorum is made of tougher stuff than that, in that he deleted all the random character sequences in the email that he created by weeping and mashing his face against the keyboard for much of the evening. Also, he thinks you should vote for Mitt Romney, he guesses, which is an exciting nugget of information that’s buried in paragraph 13, an “Easter Egg” for die-hard Rick Santorum fans who always check out the special features on their Rick Santorum-related content. What finally convinced our man Rick that Romney wasn’t a gay liberal socialist abortionist?

It was because Romney finally took more than an hour out of his busy schedule to go patronize to Santorum! Here, here’s a paragraph from Rick’s email that nicely captures how painfully awkward this meeting probably was.

I also shared with Governor Romney my belief that we cannot restore America as the greatest economic engine the world has ever seen until we return America to being a manufacturing superpower. He listened very carefully to my advice on this matter, and while our policy prescriptions differed, he clearly expressed his desire to create more opportunities for those that are feeling left behind in this economy.

Mitt Romney has almost certainly spent a lot of time practicing his “listening very carefully” face, forcing himself to maintain eye contact, nod intermittently, and make non-committal but positive-sounding noises at whichever rube is babbling at him about whatever. “Sure, Rick, I believe in manufacturing and America’s greatness,” Mitt said, all the while having erotic visions of shutting down every factory in America and scooping up the profits from the resulting short-term stock spikes for his hedge fund.

Anyway, Rick assures us that Mitt totally hates the gays and loves the fetuses now, and he says that “I strongly encouraged Governor Romney as he builds out his campaign staff and advisors that he add more conservative leaders as an integral part of his team,” at which advice Mitt no doubt muttered politely. But mostly the email rambles on about how Obama is terrible and this is the most important election since 1860 (STARTING A CIVIL WAR IF YOU LOSE MUCH, RICK?), and about how Rick Santorum was so proud of duping 3 million people into voting for him and how he won tons and tons of counties and if only the Founding Fathers had been a little bit wiser we’d have a one-county, one-vote system of government and Rick Santorum would be president right now.

Oh but wait, after Rick’s signature-png, there is a special surprise teaser!

As promised, very soon we will be making another big announcement, and I will be asking you to once again join forces with me to keep up the fight, together. Stay tuned.

OMG WHAT COULD THIS ANNOUNCEMENT BE??? Will it be about the civil war he’ll start, when Obama wins? Ha ha, no, obviously it will be about his dumb new PAC, sorry to disappoint. [ricksantorum.com/The Atlantic]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 77 comments }

Barb May 8, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Yeah, I guess I support Meh Romney.

*send*

JumpySnark May 8, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Cuz he did so well in the first video of the 2012 Obama-Romney debate: http://youtu.be/rqybRbHn0rk

hagajim May 8, 2012 at 12:22 pm

So our choice in the voting booth this fall is a Blah or a Meh….makes me kinda want to throw up in my mouth a little.

elviouslyqueer May 8, 2012 at 12:24 pm

I hate hate hate hate hate HATE you, you flip-flopping, worst excuse for a Republican EVER, Obamacare-creating, gay-marriage-loving, sorry, Mormon magic-underwear filling poopsack.

Fine. Here's my endorsement. Love your hair, hope you win.

*send*

nounverb911 May 8, 2012 at 12:04 pm

"I'm also lending Mitt a 55 gallon drum of santorum to ease his way into the white's houses".

Chill-A-Sketch May 8, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Headline: "Lukewarm Santorum Behind Romney."

hagajim May 8, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Lukewarm Santorum is very slippery.

teebob2000 May 8, 2012 at 1:03 pm

If it's not body temperature, there's a problem.

HistoriCat May 8, 2012 at 1:22 pm

"She was alive when we started – I swear!"

HempDogbane May 8, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Do Rick and Mitt have a safe word?

freakishlywrong May 8, 2012 at 12:14 pm

"Cult".

Callyson May 8, 2012 at 12:46 pm

"Cabinet position."

Schmannnity May 8, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Romney's in favor of creating a manufacturing superpower–in Asia.

Billmatic May 8, 2012 at 12:10 pm

What do you mean "create"?

Mapmonger May 8, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Maybe he means "Fellate?"

MissTaken May 8, 2012 at 12:06 pm

It's way too early in the morning to contemplate a PAC of Santorum.

hagajim May 8, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Maybe he could name it PAC of Santorum.

DaRooster May 8, 2012 at 12:33 pm

It is tough to PACK Santorum.

Schmannnity May 8, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Man on Mitt. Disgusting.

ThankYouJeebus May 8, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Funny, the email I got from him was full of news about a $200,000 Western Union money order waiting for me in Nigeria. I mean, Blah-geria.

edgydrifter May 8, 2012 at 12:07 pm

There's nothing more awkward than the morning after a night of drunk-endorsing.

actor212 May 8, 2012 at 12:15 pm

"Yea, hi, listen…..did I endorse you last night? Cuz if I did….well, I was kinda drunk, see, and you were the first person whose name popped up in my mind, and I guess I got all sentimental…."

coolhandnuke May 8, 2012 at 12:08 pm

The e-mail was dripping with Santorumcasm.

actor212 May 8, 2012 at 12:40 pm

As opposed to Santorumchasm, which is the deep pit in the bowels of the earth where Santorum is manufactured by orcs.

ManchuCandidate May 8, 2012 at 12:09 pm

The email in question…

Good day,

I am Rick Santorum, Professional Loser and Internet Joke, US America. This is an
urgent and confidential business proposition.

On May 7, 2009 a political consultant with the Grand Old Party, Mr.
Karl Rove made a numbered time (Fixed) deposit for twelve calendar
months, valued at US$8,320,000.00, with us. Upon maturity, I sent a
routine notification to his forwarding address but got no reply. After a
month, a reminder was sent and finally it was discovered from his
contract employers, Grand Old Party that Mr. Rove passed away into
private consultancy.

On further investigation, I discovered that he had no heir and he died
without making a will or a testament. I also discovered that Mr. Rove
did not declare any relative in any of his official documents, including
his deposit paperwork in my possession and all attempts to trace any
relative was fruitless. This investment has been fixed under our
management. No one will ever come forward to claim it. Under US
American law, the money reverts to the Obama if nobody applies for
claim over a period of 5 (five) years.

Consequently, my desire is to transfer this funds with the help of a
reliable political rival with a Swiss bank account. I am writing to you
because I cannot operate a foreign account. Hence, I am seeking for an
individual who can help me safeguard and invest this money. I want to
present you as the beneficiary to this investment so that you claim this
money on my behalf with the help of my attorney. I am willing to pay
something as remuneration for your assistance.

Please provide me with your full names, address, telephone and fax
number so that my attorney process the necessary documents in this
regards that puts you as the beneficiary to this investment. Please
observe utmost confidentiality, and be rest assured that this
transaction will be of mutual benefit. If you are interested, reply me
by email ASAP.

Kind regards,
Rick Santorum

Schmannnity May 8, 2012 at 12:19 pm

I had no idea that Santorum was Nigerian. This is big news.

NorthStarSpanx May 8, 2012 at 12:27 pm

This pushes Kenya off the country, I mean continent, of Africa!

johnnyzhivago May 8, 2012 at 12:09 pm

The question is: WAS IT IN ALL CAPS????

NorthStarSpanx May 8, 2012 at 12:27 pm

And generous exclamation points?!

Billmatic May 8, 2012 at 12:09 pm

"we cannot restore America as the greatest economic engine the world has ever seen until we return America to being a manufacturing superpower." – Rick Frothymix

*rubs eyes*
*blinks*
*rubs eyes again*

This can't be Santorum, it makes rational sense.

I mean we're not "returning" to anything but I'll forgive his childish naivete.

Fairtackle May 8, 2012 at 12:36 pm

slavery will make America a manufacturing powerhouse.

GOPCrusher May 8, 2012 at 1:17 pm

It worked so well for the South.

chicken_thief May 8, 2012 at 12:09 pm

"Stay tuned. "

A TV guy in a 4G world….

actor212 May 8, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Rick's a guy the Amish look at and go, "Whoa! That man is old-fashioned!"

SorosBot May 8, 2012 at 12:10 pm

16 paragraphs? I don't think the emails are just the right height.

Chow Yun Flat May 8, 2012 at 12:10 pm

create more opportunities for those that are feeling left behind in this economy.

Out of a job? Lost your house? Living out of your car?

Don't worry you just feel left behind. Rick and Mitt will fix that for you.

Biff May 8, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Goddamned Phil Gramm and his mental recession!

chascates May 8, 2012 at 12:10 pm

PS: vote for Romney, I guess. He's better than Obama.
WATCH FOR MY NEW SHOW ON FOX NEWS!!

sbj1964 May 8, 2012 at 12:11 pm

He looked like he was choking on every word."Wait people that was just a little vile in the back of my throat."

James Michael Curley May 8, 2012 at 12:11 pm

To which Romney hit the Reply Button and said, "LOL" and told his campaign manager that "It's an internet prayer for Let Obama Loose."

johnnyzhivago May 8, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Funny how the GOP dorks all go into debt as soon as their spouse is no longer handling the checkbook.

When Romney picks up their campaign debt it's sort of like a leveraged buyout – which is probably the way Mitt will run the USA.

ttommyunger May 8, 2012 at 12:11 pm

This has surely secured his nomination in the Romney Administration as Secretary of Fuckwaddery.

Wile E. Quixote May 8, 2012 at 12:32 pm

And here I was thinking that he was going for the position of "Director of Douchenozzlery."

ttommyunger May 8, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Two hats would fit on that pin-head, no problem.

OkieDokieDog May 8, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Then Rick went back to watching internet porn… for "research".

BigSkullF*ckingDog May 8, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Mitt Romney – I guess he's better than that blah guy.

Baconzgood May 8, 2012 at 12:12 pm

NEEDZ MOAR FROTHY SEEPAGE!

weejee May 8, 2012 at 12:23 pm

NEEDZ MOAR FROTHY SHEEPAGE!

/ fixed – Frothy is just trying to pull the wool over our eyes.

PeaceWithHonor May 8, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Poor, deluded douchebag really thought he was going to be President.

Sir_Fartz_Alot May 8, 2012 at 2:01 pm

he was running for pope

Chow Yun Flat May 8, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Santorum sez: vote for Romney, make the White House white again.

actor212 May 8, 2012 at 12:14 pm

As Santorum droned on about "opening American manufacturing facilities," Mitt daydreamed about rolling naked in his bank vault in the Cayman Islands.

bumfug May 8, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Well, finally! This means it's only a matter of time now until we can once again hear his name and think only of anal discharge.

Wile E. Quixote May 8, 2012 at 1:29 pm

I never stopped thinking of anal discharge when I heard his name, indeed his presidential run only served to increase his association with anal discharge.

Tundra Grifter May 8, 2012 at 12:14 pm

I've read better texts from drunks.

Mumbletypeg May 8, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Hella bluff, Santy-Rick! "You always hurt love the ones you love hurt most!"

freakishlywrong May 8, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Is having Rick fucking Santorum's endorsement considered a good thing?

hagajim May 8, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Probably better than having W's.

cheetojeebus May 8, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Santorum's former spokesmodel was on Alex W a few minutes ago, And man, What the hell? Spray tan? blah face? VERY odd.

NorthStarSpanx May 8, 2012 at 12:31 pm

They hired Patricia Krentcil?

Doktor StrangeZoom May 8, 2012 at 12:17 pm

I wonder if Mr. Santorum took the time to condemn that awful homosexual, Maurice Sendak? Or is that going to be left up to Breitfart.com?

Also, hey, little girl: HERE is something to cry about!

EDIT: Finally, if you loved his books and want to enjoy–truly enjoy–having a good cry, go listen to the December 2011 Fresh Air interview with Sendak.

finallyhappy May 8, 2012 at 5:40 pm

tonight eat chicken soup with rice in his memory!

Lascauxcaveman May 8, 2012 at 12:17 pm

He listened very carefully to my advice on this matter

Without smirking, chortling, or turning away to guffaw, while pretending to sneeze? If, so, Mitt's made of sterner stuff than we imagined.

vodkamuppet May 8, 2012 at 12:17 pm

They debated eachother about 9000 million times in the last few months, shouldn't he have been able to glean something from that?

mrblifil May 8, 2012 at 12:22 pm

What does Frothy manufacture, except discreet beads of fluid whenever the pool guy comes to clear out the filters?

proudgrampa May 8, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Rick who?

Guppy May 8, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Oh, man, when you get a 16-paragraph email from someone at 11 pm you know that only good things are in it, right? Generally these things are some variation of “I DON’T NEED YOU, WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME, YOU NEVER LOVED ME.”

I… uh… er… FIFTH AMENDMENT!

Blueb4sunrise May 8, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Loathe.

SorosBot May 8, 2012 at 12:34 pm

But hey, considering that Romney apparently was responsible for the current success of the American auto companies, even though he opposed the bailout when it happened and anyway had nothing to do with the government or the car companies at the time, maybe he has magic powers and used them to make the frothy one endorse him.

DaRooster May 8, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Needs more vaginal probes.

Callyson May 8, 2012 at 12:43 pm

What finally convinced our man Rick that Romney wasn’t a gay…?

After Mittens turned him down for the 10th time, Ricky finally gave up…

mavenmaven May 8, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Fetuses for Manufacturing

rickmaci May 8, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Jeebuz. Reads like a letter of reference from an ex-wife who knows if the ex doesn't get the job, the support payments end.

owhatever May 8, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Turn around, Rick, and drop trou. It's your turn in the barrel, sweetie, if you want my monies.

criminogenic May 8, 2012 at 5:57 pm

No matter how many times I see that photo I'm in awe of just how psycho his kids look, the boy brat looks like he's ready to waste some commoners or carry out part 2 of the young poisoners handbook.

BZ1 May 8, 2012 at 7:11 pm

What a mealy-mouthed endorsement, Good on 'ya, Rickie.

grenadehh May 18, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Why is this news? You know this happens regardless of party, every election. 15 pieces of shit and 1 qualified person run in the caucauses and primaries. 13 of them are gone 8 months before the election. One by one, the failures throw in their support at intervals when they see the qualified person getting closer to losing. Thus, the varied dumb ASSes among the American populace, watching Fox or CNN or any other fake msm news you want to toss in there – who aren't actually possessed of the personality traits required to select a candidate, say "Well herpaderp supports Captain Douche so it must be right." The person who is actually qualified and has experience always loses to the display model.

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