Santorum Endorses Romney In Sad, Rambling Late-Night Email

  quitters never win

Gee, wonder why he didn't hold a press conference to do thisOh, man, when you get a 16-paragraph email from someone at 11 pm you know that only good things are in it, right? Generally these things are some variation of “I DON’T NEED YOU, WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME, YOU NEVER LOVED ME.” But Rick Santorum is made of tougher stuff than that, in that he deleted all the random character sequences in the email that he created by weeping and mashing his face against the keyboard for much of the evening. Also, he thinks you should vote for Mitt Romney, he guesses, which is an exciting nugget of information that’s buried in paragraph 13, an “Easter Egg” for die-hard Rick Santorum fans who always check out the special features on their Rick Santorum-related content. What finally convinced our man Rick that Romney wasn’t a gay liberal socialist abortionist?

It was because Romney finally took more than an hour out of his busy schedule to go patronize to Santorum! Here, here’s a paragraph from Rick’s email that nicely captures how painfully awkward this meeting probably was.

I also shared with Governor Romney my belief that we cannot restore America as the greatest economic engine the world has ever seen until we return America to being a manufacturing superpower. He listened very carefully to my advice on this matter, and while our policy prescriptions differed, he clearly expressed his desire to create more opportunities for those that are feeling left behind in this economy.

Mitt Romney has almost certainly spent a lot of time practicing his “listening very carefully” face, forcing himself to maintain eye contact, nod intermittently, and make non-committal but positive-sounding noises at whichever rube is babbling at him about whatever. “Sure, Rick, I believe in manufacturing and America’s greatness,” Mitt said, all the while having erotic visions of shutting down every factory in America and scooping up the profits from the resulting short-term stock spikes for his hedge fund.

Anyway, Rick assures us that Mitt totally hates the gays and loves the fetuses now, and he says that “I strongly encouraged Governor Romney as he builds out his campaign staff and advisors that he add more conservative leaders as an integral part of his team,” at which advice Mitt no doubt muttered politely. But mostly the email rambles on about how Obama is terrible and this is the most important election since 1860 (STARTING A CIVIL WAR IF YOU LOSE MUCH, RICK?), and about how Rick Santorum was so proud of duping 3 million people into voting for him and how he won tons and tons of counties and if only the Founding Fathers had been a little bit wiser we’d have a one-county, one-vote system of government and Rick Santorum would be president right now.

Oh but wait, after Rick’s signature-png, there is a special surprise teaser!

As promised, very soon we will be making another big announcement, and I will be asking you to once again join forces with me to keep up the fight, together. Stay tuned.

OMG WHAT COULD THIS ANNOUNCEMENT BE??? Will it be about the civil war he’ll start, when Obama wins? Ha ha, no, obviously it will be about his dumb new PAC, sorry to disappoint. [ricksantorum.com/The Atlantic]

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About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

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77 comments

    1. hagajim

      So our choice in the voting booth this fall is a Blah or a Meh….makes me kinda want to throw up in my mouth a little.

    2. elviouslyqueer

      I hate hate hate hate hate HATE you, you flip-flopping, worst excuse for a Republican EVER, Obamacare-creating, gay-marriage-loving, sorry, Mormon magic-underwear filling poopsack.

      Fine. Here's my endorsement. Love your hair, hope you win.

      *send*

  1. nounverb911

    "I'm also lending Mitt a 55 gallon drum of santorum to ease his way into the white's houses".

  2. ThankYouJeebus

    Funny, the email I got from him was full of news about a $200,000 Western Union money order waiting for me in Nigeria. I mean, Blah-geria.

  3. edgydrifter

    There's nothing more awkward than the morning after a night of drunk-endorsing.

    1. actor212

      "Yea, hi, listen…..did I endorse you last night? Cuz if I did….well, I was kinda drunk, see, and you were the first person whose name popped up in my mind, and I guess I got all sentimental…."

  4. ManchuCandidate

    The email in question…

    Good day,

    I am Rick Santorum, Professional Loser and Internet Joke, US America. This is an
    urgent and confidential business proposition.

    On May 7, 2009 a political consultant with the Grand Old Party, Mr.
    Karl Rove made a numbered time (Fixed) deposit for twelve calendar
    months, valued at US$8,320,000.00, with us. Upon maturity, I sent a
    routine notification to his forwarding address but got no reply. After a
    month, a reminder was sent and finally it was discovered from his
    contract employers, Grand Old Party that Mr. Rove passed away into
    private consultancy.

    On further investigation, I discovered that he had no heir and he died
    without making a will or a testament. I also discovered that Mr. Rove
    did not declare any relative in any of his official documents, including
    his deposit paperwork in my possession and all attempts to trace any
    relative was fruitless. This investment has been fixed under our
    management. No one will ever come forward to claim it. Under US
    American law, the money reverts to the Obama if nobody applies for
    claim over a period of 5 (five) years.

    Consequently, my desire is to transfer this funds with the help of a
    reliable political rival with a Swiss bank account. I am writing to you
    because I cannot operate a foreign account. Hence, I am seeking for an
    individual who can help me safeguard and invest this money. I want to
    present you as the beneficiary to this investment so that you claim this
    money on my behalf with the help of my attorney. I am willing to pay
    something as remuneration for your assistance.

    Please provide me with your full names, address, telephone and fax
    number so that my attorney process the necessary documents in this
    regards that puts you as the beneficiary to this investment. Please
    observe utmost confidentiality, and be rest assured that this
    transaction will be of mutual benefit. If you are interested, reply me
    by email ASAP.

    Kind regards,
    Rick Santorum

  5. Billmatic

    "we cannot restore America as the greatest economic engine the world has ever seen until we return America to being a manufacturing superpower." – Rick Frothymix

    *rubs eyes*
    *blinks*
    *rubs eyes again*

    This can't be Santorum, it makes rational sense.

    I mean we're not "returning" to anything but I'll forgive his childish naivete.

  6. Chow Yun Flat

    create more opportunities for those that are feeling left behind in this economy.

    Out of a job? Lost your house? Living out of your car?

    Don't worry you just feel left behind. Rick and Mitt will fix that for you.

  7. chascates

    PS: vote for Romney, I guess. He's better than Obama.
    WATCH FOR MY NEW SHOW ON FOX NEWS!!

  8. sbj1964

    He looked like he was choking on every word."Wait people that was just a little vile in the back of my throat."

  9. James Michael Curley

    To which Romney hit the Reply Button and said, "LOL" and told his campaign manager that "It's an internet prayer for Let Obama Loose."

  10. johnnyzhivago

    Funny how the GOP dorks all go into debt as soon as their spouse is no longer handling the checkbook.

    When Romney picks up their campaign debt it's sort of like a leveraged buyout – which is probably the way Mitt will run the USA.

  11. ttommyunger

    This has surely secured his nomination in the Romney Administration as Secretary of Fuckwaddery.

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      And here I was thinking that he was going for the position of "Director of Douchenozzlery."

  12. actor212

    As Santorum droned on about "opening American manufacturing facilities," Mitt daydreamed about rolling naked in his bank vault in the Cayman Islands.

  13. bumfug

    Well, finally! This means it's only a matter of time now until we can once again hear his name and think only of anal discharge.

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      I never stopped thinking of anal discharge when I heard his name, indeed his presidential run only served to increase his association with anal discharge.

  14. cheetojeebus

    Santorum's former spokesmodel was on Alex W a few minutes ago, And man, What the hell? Spray tan? blah face? VERY odd.

  15. Doktor StrangeZoom

    I wonder if Mr. Santorum took the time to condemn that awful homosexual, Maurice Sendak? Or is that going to be left up to Breitfart.com?

    Also, hey, little girl: HERE is something to cry about!

    EDIT: Finally, if you loved his books and want to enjoy–truly enjoy–having a good cry, go listen to the December 2011 Fresh Air interview with Sendak.

  16. Lascauxcaveman

    He listened very carefully to my advice on this matter

    Without smirking, chortling, or turning away to guffaw, while pretending to sneeze? If, so, Mitt's made of sterner stuff than we imagined.

  17. vodkamuppet

    They debated eachother about 9000 million times in the last few months, shouldn't he have been able to glean something from that?

  18. Guppy

    Oh, man, when you get a 16-paragraph email from someone at 11 pm you know that only good things are in it, right? Generally these things are some variation of “I DON’T NEED YOU, WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME, YOU NEVER LOVED ME.”

    I… uh… er… FIFTH AMENDMENT!

  19. SorosBot

    But hey, considering that Romney apparently was responsible for the current success of the American auto companies, even though he opposed the bailout when it happened and anyway had nothing to do with the government or the car companies at the time, maybe he has magic powers and used them to make the frothy one endorse him.

  20. Callyson

    What finally convinced our man Rick that Romney wasn’t a gay…?

    After Mittens turned him down for the 10th time, Ricky finally gave up…

  21. rickmaci

    Jeebuz. Reads like a letter of reference from an ex-wife who knows if the ex doesn't get the job, the support payments end.

  22. owhatever

    Turn around, Rick, and drop trou. It's your turn in the barrel, sweetie, if you want my monies.

  23. criminogenic

    No matter how many times I see that photo I'm in awe of just how psycho his kids look, the boy brat looks like he's ready to waste some commoners or carry out part 2 of the young poisoners handbook.

  24. grenadehh

    Why is this news? You know this happens regardless of party, every election. 15 pieces of shit and 1 qualified person run in the caucauses and primaries. 13 of them are gone 8 months before the election. One by one, the failures throw in their support at intervals when they see the qualified person getting closer to losing. Thus, the varied dumb ASSes among the American populace, watching Fox or CNN or any other fake msm news you want to toss in there – who aren't actually possessed of the personality traits required to select a candidate, say "Well herpaderp supports Captain Douche so it must be right." The person who is actually qualified and has experience always loses to the display model.

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