LET THE CHILDREN EAT GRUEL  11:19 am May 8, 2012

Rich Lowry: When Will This Welfare Queen ‘Julia’ Get Off Head Start And Pell Grants?

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Look at this fucking socialistRich Lowry simply does not care for the Obama campaign’s fictional “Julia.”

Julia begins her interaction with the welfare state as a little tot through the pre-kindergarten program Head Start. She then proceeds through all of life’s important phases, not Shakespeare’s progression from “mewling and puking” infant to “second childishness and mere oblivion,” but the Health and Human Services and Education Department version: a Pell grant (age 18), surgery on insurance coverage guaranteed by Obamacare (22), a job where she can sue her employers for more pay thanks to the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act (23), free contraception (27), a Small Business Administration loan (42) and, finally, Medicare (65) and Social Security (67). (In a sci-fi touch, these entitlements are presumed blissfully unchanged sometime off in the 2070s.)

She can sue her employers for more pay, or get a Small Business Administration loan? THAT IS EVEN WORSE THAN FREE CONTRACEPTION! Christ, Julia, when will you stop being such a giant whore?

Let us hear some more of Rich Lowry’s thoughts on women and their relationship to the state.

No doubt, the creators of Julia — imagine a dour and featureless version of Dora the Explorer who grows old through the years — weren’t seeking to make a major philosophical statement. But they inadvertently captured something important about the progressive vision.

Julia’s central relationship is to the state. It is her educator, banker, health care provider, venture capitalist and retirement fund. And she is, fundamentally, a taker. Every benefit she gets is cut-rate or free. She apparently doesn’t worry about paying taxes. It doesn’t enter her mind that the programs supporting her might add to the debt or might have unintended consequences.

Got it. No more universal education, because here in the Gilded Age education is only for wealthy boys; the rest of you can go be chimney sweeps (or scullery maids if you are a girl). And small business can go fuck itself because small business is for suckers. Social Security? Who does Julia think she is, the Queen of England? Get thee to the workhouse, Julia, if that even is your real name.

Rich Lowry’s America sounds awesome, and we should all work very hard to take the country back to the 1890s, when things were fly. But we are wondering if Rich Lowry was also responsible for the Mitt Romney ad whose main thrust was “our guy is sour and boring,” because this seems kind of equally counterproductive, and if we were just about any woman reading Lowry’s scathing takedown of Barack Obama’s “creepy” “taker” Julia, we probably would think surgery and Head Start and Pell grants and SBA loans and Social Security were nice things, which we are for, and probably couldn’t wrap our silly little brains around the part where Head Start is Tyranny, probably because it’s fucking moronic. [ColumbiaTribune]

 
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{ 148 comments }

nounverb911 May 8, 2012 at 11:22 am

Has Lowry paid off his student loans yet?

actor212 May 8, 2012 at 11:26 am

Assumes facts not in evidence (e.g. college attendance)

sullivanst May 8, 2012 at 11:45 am

Lowry was born in Arlington, Virginia and graduated from the University of Virginia in 1990

Wikipedia

He went to a commie state-subsidized college. TAKER!

actor212 May 8, 2012 at 11:54 am

What a snob!

elviouslyqueer May 8, 2012 at 11:58 am

Dear Rich:

Wahoo, motherfucker. Wa-fucking-hoo.

No love,

EQ

yrbmegr May 8, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Hmmm: "Graduated". What does it mean?

EatsBabyDingos May 8, 2012 at 11:42 am

Doubtful, since the diploma came from a college that advertises next to "Close cover before Striking."

actor212 May 8, 2012 at 11:47 am

Wait. You mean Rich was able to draw Tippy the Turtle????

flamingpdog May 8, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Funny, Rich always struck me as more of a fan of Bert the Turtle.

tihond May 8, 2012 at 11:22 am

I'd hit it. (Rich Lowry that is)

teebob2000 May 8, 2012 at 11:24 am

You left off "…with a hammer."

actor212 May 8, 2012 at 11:26 am

Or a truck

Omophagist May 8, 2012 at 11:29 am

I suggest a claw hammer. It's the Cadillac of blunt trauma weapons.

Lascauxcaveman May 8, 2012 at 11:51 am

I would, too, but I can never decide which side of it to use, so I just end up punching them in the throat, instead.

I'm such a weenie.

actor212 May 8, 2012 at 11:57 am

Flip flopper.

GOPCrusher May 8, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Shingling hatchet.

yrbmegr May 8, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Rich doesn't even perceive the real, bedrock, reason for all this statism. How quickly they forget.

heathenette May 9, 2012 at 12:14 am

Baseball bat! Fer ‘Merica!

coolhandnuke May 8, 2012 at 11:24 am

Lowry was born with a silver dildo in his ass.

Barb May 8, 2012 at 11:24 am

Yes, Julia should choke on as much dick as possible, get knocked up, quit high school, get the Candies Foundation to pay her to no longer rut like a weasle and then get her own reality TV show.

Radiotherapy May 8, 2012 at 11:28 am

Everything you mentioned: dick, teen preggos, high school drop-out, Candies, and especially, her TV reality show, SUCKS.

Sir_Fartz_Alot May 8, 2012 at 3:15 pm

I've the the confuzed. are we talking about Julia or Bristle?

Barb May 8, 2012 at 10:15 pm

Bofum

SexySmurf May 8, 2012 at 11:25 am

free contraception (27)

Apparently, Rich Lowry lost his virginity at age 27.

And he didn't need no Gub'nit to pay for his contraception: the hooker threw in the condom for free.

hagajim May 8, 2012 at 11:51 am

Ahhhh, but did the hooker get the condom from some gubmint whorehouse Planned Parenthood?

actor212 May 8, 2012 at 11:26 am

a job where she can sue her employers for more pay thanks to the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act (23), free contraception (27), a Small Business Administration loan (42)

Wait.

If I was a chick, I could sue my boss for MORE pay, AND free contraception, AND a loan from the SBA?

Why was I cursed with a dick?????

chicken_thief May 8, 2012 at 11:44 am

Time for actor to start tucking and doing a rendition of Mrs Doubtfire (or someone more age appropriate)?!

actor212 May 8, 2012 at 11:52 am

Sadly, she is closer to age appropriate than I care to think….

Oblios_Cap May 8, 2012 at 12:42 pm

No state goodies between Head Start and 18 years old? How will she survive?

johnnymeatworth May 8, 2012 at 11:26 am

Looks like it's time for Julia to strap on a fake dick and get on rentboy.com so she can snag herself a congressman and not leech off public money anymore.

Wait, what?

el_donaldo May 8, 2012 at 11:26 am

So when looking at a website that explores all the ways, for good or for ill, the federal government will affect Julia's life, Lowry is complaining that all the website wants to talk about is how government will affect Julia's life?

Way to miss the central premise, dude.

Tundra Grifter May 8, 2012 at 11:53 am

Under George Bush, Julia would have enlisted in the US Military because she couldn't find a job that would support her.

After a couple of tours of duty in Iraq she gets killed, and a mountain in New Mexico named after her.

FakaktaSouth May 8, 2012 at 11:27 am

Okay, Rich, darling, I will stop expecting for there to be safety nets and social programs for people trying to make their lives better in the face of people who intentionally fuck everything up for them as soon as you get your assholes to stop fucking everything up. Deal?

KennyFuckingPowers May 8, 2012 at 11:28 am

1968 to 1971 Julia the TV series was about a widowed minority mom.
He didn't like her either.

flamingpdog May 8, 2012 at 11:49 am

Julia was a classy woman. Rich Lowry was still pooping his diaper when Julia was on. And he grew up to be even less classy than his poopy diaper.

RustyHinges57 May 8, 2012 at 4:05 pm

And he was 17 years old at the time.

Schmannnity May 8, 2012 at 11:28 am

You don't see Bristol Palin taking those kinds of handouts.

nounverb911 May 8, 2012 at 11:32 am

Except for her Native American healthcare insurance.

Schmannnity May 8, 2012 at 11:35 am

Oh wait. I forgot about the Alaska Permanent Fund payments where socialist Alaskans soak the oil companies.

Tundra Grifter May 8, 2012 at 11:55 am

And the payments Duh Gov'Nuh pushed through from "windfall" oil company profits – subsidized by the taxpayers in the other 49 states, of course, because the companies making those payments deduct them before calculating Federal income tax obligations.

I've never been able to understand why the T-Baggers refuse to recognize Duh Gov'Nuh's socialist agenda.

el_donaldo May 8, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Her motto is "handjobs before handouts."

Generation[redacted] May 8, 2012 at 12:18 pm

She's living proof that you don't need free contraception. Oh, wait—

Chill-A-Sketch May 8, 2012 at 11:28 am

Rich prefers "Julio," the Puerto Rican rent boy.

Tundra Grifter May 8, 2012 at 11:56 am

Rich and Julio, down at the schoolyard…

[Music notes go here]

edgydrifter May 8, 2012 at 11:29 am

Mittens is really pleased with his Exxon ad campaign, but he can't figure out why it doesn't test better in the focus groups.

WunkRocker May 8, 2012 at 11:29 am

Has Julia got a web cam? HOTT!

chicken_thief May 8, 2012 at 11:40 am

I was thinking that if Julia had bigger hooters she could get a job at Badda Bing. Alas, she'll just have to make do cleaning hotel rooms and fending off DSK and his pals.

SoBeach May 8, 2012 at 11:30 am

She can at least post videos on-line in exchange for all the stuff poor Rush Limbaugh has to pay for.

DemmeFatale May 8, 2012 at 11:31 am

Is this "Douche Bags in the Morning Day" On Wonkette?

actor212 May 8, 2012 at 11:32 am

Let's rewrite this for Republicans, shall we?

Julia begins her interaction with the "freedumb"state as a little tot through the pre-kindergarten program Show Us Your Papers. She then proceeds through all of life’s important phases, not Shakespeare’s progression from “mewling and puking” infant to “second childishness and mere oblivion,” but the Christian Coalition's version: homeschooling (age 12), forced pregnancy by her step-father (age 16), misdemeanor public nuisance (for soliciting) (17), a job where she can eat all the fries she can drop to the floor (18), free air, if you can breathe it (21), a Small Hospital Stay from injuries received from her third husband (28), third degree burns from the blown up meth lab (35) and, finally, a pauper's grave (50)

Billmatic May 8, 2012 at 11:49 am

If only she made the right choices and took personal responsibility.

actor212 May 8, 2012 at 11:52 am

From birth, she made a bad genetic choice.

Schmannnity May 8, 2012 at 11:56 am

Pauper's grave? I call socialism!

actor212 May 8, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Ooh, good point. We should just leave her dead body exposed to the elements and rats, too. Also.

Billmatic May 8, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Yeah she'd probably have to use govt. money to dig the grave.

CthuNHu May 8, 2012 at 1:57 pm

You skipped a bit:

…third degree burns from the blown up meth lab (35), a failed run for Vice President (46), and, finally, a pauper's grave (50).

Fixed.

mavenmaven May 8, 2012 at 11:32 am

The worst part is that she might survive infancy if she gets medical care, and then she'll grow up to vote Republican. The GOP can't allow that to happen.

memzilla May 8, 2012 at 11:33 am

I've finally figured out how to view Obama like a Rethuglican. Take hate, bile and greed, compress it into a pus-yellow crystalline lattice, hold it up to your jaundice-engorged eye, and look at That Man in the White House.

(Which is what they also called Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Along with socialist, communist, and fascist. Some things never change.)

Lascauxcaveman May 8, 2012 at 12:11 pm

The funny thing? White, wealthy, entitled FDR did a lot of things to earn that invective. Obama seems to be mostly about killin' terr'ists and coddling the banks.

freakishlywrong May 8, 2012 at 11:33 am

Weird. The head of the Government dumbs down the benefits of government to show the droolers that government is actually a good thing and that your tax dollars do contribute to a better society. Wingers gotta nut.

flamingpdog May 8, 2012 at 11:57 am

Yeah, but like KennyFP said upthread, Julia was a black woman in the late 60s. The wingers, they know which Julia is getting all the benefits from our Kenyan soshulist gubmint.

Chow Yun Flat May 8, 2012 at 11:33 am

Julia was able to get free medical care at 22. In a more sane universe she would have been allowed to die.

chicken_thief May 8, 2012 at 11:41 am

Needz moar transvaginal ultrasounds.

Radiotherapy May 8, 2012 at 11:33 am

Ah yes, that is so much more evil than being born rich (with money excluded from the "death tax"), private schools, Ivy League MBA, getting a door opened into Goldman-Sachs (TARP), hedge fund manager making billions on nothing more than financial manipulation (taxed at 10%), golden parachute and having some Haitian immigrant lady wipe your demented dribbling ass in a 50,000 square foot house on your way out (and your ungrateful children getting all the money from the removal of the "death tax").

MissTaken May 8, 2012 at 11:33 am

Julia should just find a rich husband and pop out litters of babies like all good women.

SorosBot May 8, 2012 at 11:47 am

As long as she doesn't ask for government help for birthin' or raisin' those babies! Home scholin' all the way, and if a kid needs medicine but she can't afford it then tough shit for them.

actor212 May 8, 2012 at 11:53 am

Take the l'il rugrat down to th' wise woman at th' end of the dead end road that no one likes ta dribe down….

elviouslyqueer May 8, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Yup. That kind of thinking worked out really well for Nadya Suleman.

MissTaken May 8, 2012 at 12:58 pm

She just got paid to masturbate on video. I stupidly do that free. Maybe she's smarter than us all.

PubOption May 8, 2012 at 11:33 am

Would it be possible for politicians to discuss their policies in detail, without using hypothetical examples?

Arken May 8, 2012 at 11:40 am

It's kind of hard to talk about what you are going to do in the future without hypothetical examples.

Tundra Grifter May 8, 2012 at 11:58 am

This often happens at rallies and at the conventions. Don't you remember in 2008, when Barney Smith stood up and said he wanted a candidate who thought more about Barney Smith and less about Smith Barney?

At many campaign stops the candidate will introduce people by name and tell a bit of their story to illustrate a point.

This is a copy of the very effective ads that ran in California some years ago.

flamingpdog May 8, 2012 at 11:34 am

I'd suggest turning Rich Lowry into Soylent Green, but Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!!

ManchuCandidate May 8, 2012 at 11:35 am

Then again, Rich Lowry thought Sarah Palin was some political tactical geniuz of the highest order so any thoughts he may have should be dismissed like starbursts dribbling out of a limp penis.

GhostBuggy May 8, 2012 at 11:36 am

"In a sci-fi touch, these entitlements are presumed blissfully unchanged sometime off in the 2070s."

Yes, people may come along and to terrible things to these programs in the future, so let's not implement them!

"She apparently doesn’t worry about paying taxes. It doesn’t enter her mind that the programs supporting her might add to the debt or might have unintended consequences."

This is all bad for our country because of the pretend things Rich "Dick" Lowry decided this fictional person is thinking, in real life, were it not pretend!

SorosBot May 8, 2012 at 11:46 am

Funny that he says ""She apparently doesn’t worry about paying taxes" – yeah, because you figure she's paying her taxes and not whining about it like some little baby like the Randroids do. Guess what, adults pay they taxes and don't have a problem with it.

Tundra Grifter May 8, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Ever notice how every Republican discussion of any issue whatsoever devolves into tax policy?

FlownOver May 8, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Not even tax policy, really. Just "tax bad."

sullivanst May 8, 2012 at 12:02 pm

You know what, I don't worry about paying taxes either. I just fucking pay them, because I agree with Oliver Wendell Holmes.

yrbmegr May 8, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Not to mention the "free" stuff that isn't actually free. Why be truthful when lies are so much more fun?

Doktor StrangeZoom May 8, 2012 at 11:37 am

Julia needs to get off the damn couch and get a jerb.

Arken May 8, 2012 at 11:38 am

Oddly enough, Julia is actually less fictional than Joe the Plumber.

Mumbly_Joe May 8, 2012 at 11:40 am

Contraception coverage and surgery under health insurance that you were already pay for/is part of your total employee compensation = "free contraception" and "free surgery", apparently. Not being forced by your employer to pay for the same product twice is the same as a government handout.

Also too, the ability to sue for long-term pay discrimination that has long been established by law as an illegal practice, but which had recently been rendered difficult to file over due to a deeply flawed reading of the statute of limitations, is basically welfare.

That's right: the ability to sue people for harms suffered because they broke a long-standing law is another government handout, and not an essential element of any society where the law is worth a damn.

Dashboard Buddha May 8, 2012 at 11:41 am

OT: A comment from a former classmate of mine on Facebook…

"I just voted and it gave me such power we don't ever wanna lose this"

She lives in North Carolina.

Guess how she voted.

She doesn't understand irony.

Sigh

Doktor StrangeZoom May 8, 2012 at 11:45 am

Losing the ability to discriminate against others is a true loss of Liberty.

Dashboard Buddha May 8, 2012 at 11:46 am

Pretty much, yeah.

edgydrifter May 8, 2012 at 11:49 am

Conservatives relish the power to take from others, even if they themselves realize no benefit from it. It gives them spite-boners.

yrbmegr May 8, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Did you tell her that her vote didn't really matter, anyway, because the election has already been decided?

Dashboard Buddha May 8, 2012 at 12:22 pm

“If voting changed anything, it would be illegal.”—

Generation[redacted] May 8, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Another libertarian drunk on government power.

ElPinche May 8, 2012 at 11:42 am

How is this related to jacking off to Sarah Palin?

chicken_thief May 8, 2012 at 11:47 am

Walnuts?!

sullivanst May 8, 2012 at 11:43 am

It doesn’t enter her mind that the programs supporting her might add to the debt or might have unintended consequences.

And it doesn't enter Rich's mind that the programs supporting her might, long term, reduce the debt or might have intended consequences.

Fucking moron apparently doesn't understand that in order for an economy to reach its full potential, it must not discard individuals with potential just because their parents are poor.

Fucking moron apparently doesn't understand that if you're gonna tell people to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, the very least you can do is make sure they have boots.

Gah!!!! FUCKING MORONS!~!!!!

yrbmegr May 8, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Nor does it enter Rich's mind that Julia is a fictional character and that nobody believes Rich knows what Julia, the fictional character, is thinking.

Stevola May 8, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Whenever someone says "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps," I know I've discovered who stole my boots.

SorosBot May 8, 2012 at 11:44 am

"It is her educator, banker, health care provider, venture capitalist and retirement fund"

Yeah, Rich,that's because that is the government's fucking job, you idiot.

BornInATrailer May 8, 2012 at 11:44 am

This Lowry's Seasoning Salt makes everything taste like an asshole.

jaytingle May 8, 2012 at 11:45 am

Quoting Shakespeare to make his point is a lost cause. Teaching kids of the Humanities is a notorious dead end. If you're going to be saddled with crippling student loans, you would be wise to invest in a data-entry diploma, and nothing else.
I see all that would-be high brow blather in National Review as a cry for help: "All I did in college was read literature and history and now I'm unable to earn a real living."

Dashboard Buddha May 8, 2012 at 11:45 am

"And she is, fundamentally, a taker."

Yep. And since she'll make a good living, the government will be able to TAKE more taxes* so the government will able to afford the wars in which it will TAKE her son/daughter** into harm's way.

*unless she makes a LOT of money…then the government will take less

**unless she makes a LOT of money…then the government won't take any of her children. Unless they want to go, of course…which is unlikely. They have careers to work on, Jack.

GhostBuggy May 8, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Hey, those kids have to win the war at home, so the poors' kids can win the war over there. Don't you know anything about how wars are properly fought?

fartknocker May 8, 2012 at 11:46 am

What Rich Lowry the Goatfucker failed to conclude is that Julia started her own business, paid off her student loans, employs a staff of 5, has health care, and pays taxes. Julia will also use Planned Parenthood. Julia also likes guns, fast cars, and Makers Mark bourbon. Julia is the kind of woman that Rich Lowry dreams about.

Ruhe May 8, 2012 at 12:05 pm

"What Rich Lowry the Goatfucker failed to conclude is that Julia started her own business, paid off her student loans, employs a staff of 5, has health care, and pays taxes. Julia will also use Planned Parenthood. Julia also likes guns, fast cars, and Makers Mark bourbon. Julia is the kind of woman that Rich Lowry dreams about/fears."

Just a suggestion.

weejee May 8, 2012 at 11:46 am

OT, having a Maurice Sendak moment & pondering the Wild Things…

Will we live-blogging the Hoosiers lofting loogies at Luger?

Doktor StrangeZoom May 8, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Awfully nice obit in the NY Times, too: "Roundly praised, intermittently censored and occasionally eaten, Mr. Sendak’s books were essential ingredients of childhood for the generation born after 1960 or thereabouts, and in turn for their children."

BlueStateLibel May 8, 2012 at 11:46 am

Julia the welfare queen will also drive her car on roads and bridges paid for by TAXPAYERS. She'll also be able to eat a hamburger without dying of e.coli because of TAXPAYERS' funding of food-inspection programs. What a socialist freeloader!

Mumbletypeg May 8, 2012 at 11:50 am

Lowry:

Julia… 's central relationship is to the state. She is fundamentally a taker.

This guy couldn't fail more at identifying and condemning entitlement overkill if Santorum's mining interest allowances or the Bachmanns' foster-brood stipends took turns flaying him in the ass.

sullivanst May 8, 2012 at 12:04 pm

For Rich Lowry, that's not "entitlement overkill", it's "a great Friday night"

GOPCrusher May 8, 2012 at 1:09 pm

When Rich Lowry retires and his first Social Security check shows up in his mailbox, he'll put "Return To Sender" on the envelope and send it back.

vodkamuppet May 8, 2012 at 11:51 am

Pfft freeloading twat. My niece is in head start and every time I see her I want to smack that bitch in the mouth, y'know, for adding to the debt. And my ma too, that old bat's been living large on that sweet Medicare ca$h. MY TAXES ARE PAYING FOR THIS1!11!2?!!11

GOPCrusher May 8, 2012 at 1:10 pm

In a Repuliklan Utopia, Head Start is a jobs training program.

hagajim May 8, 2012 at 11:52 am

A gubmint under Rich Lowry, "the poorz take to the streets with clubs and pitchforks and beat stupid Rich Lowry's head in – for fun."

sullivanst May 8, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Oh dear. Was he late in paying his monthly police bill?

yrbmegr May 8, 2012 at 12:25 pm

That I'd pay to see.

Dildeaux May 8, 2012 at 11:53 am

**Starbursts** for Julia? Not so much…

Designer_Rants May 8, 2012 at 11:55 am

Here's a parody of "Julia" that I thought was amusing: http://bit.ly/ISb8bN

sullivanst May 8, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Fuck me. I mean, say what you like about the tenets of overbearing state intrusion under the guise of social democracy, dude, at least it's an ethos.

actor212 May 8, 2012 at 11:55 am

Is it wrong to fap to a faceless drawing of a backpacked hipster?

MissTaken May 8, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Nah, she has cool kicks so it's okay.

Generation[redacted] May 8, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Plus she's college educated and starting her own business (fap fap fap)

elviouslyqueer May 8, 2012 at 11:56 am

A mewling and puking gigantic walking colostomy bag bitches about what now?

mrblifil May 8, 2012 at 11:58 am

Rich knows that Julia will never feel starbursts for him, no matter the degree to which he convinces her of his rugged individualism (paid for by the Heritage Foundation for doing next to nothing).

Generation[redacted] May 8, 2012 at 12:01 pm

That tears it. I'm not creating any jobs until everyone drops out of public schools and I get another tax break. A big one this time!

Ruhe May 8, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Of course the arch-trope that underlies all this Republican derp-derping about the "nanny-state" is the strange, nebulous conception of Government as some invading power, possibly from outer space. The Government is us. It's us doing things as a group that we can't do alone. But even if rational people can debate the merits of various programs and have rational concerns about their unintended consequences who can possibly be against Head Start? These cranks always say "it's not a choice, it's a child". Okay, it's a child who doesn't get to choose its parents, so that means if Mom and Dad are poor/absent/addicted/hapless then the kid is just screwed? We can't even agree on Head Start? Seriously, WTF?!

HistoriCat May 8, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Do I have to come out and just say it? I do?

OK – it's because – you know … those people

Mumbly_Joe May 8, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Actually, if Obama's composite girlfriend "Julia" is someone for whom Social Security and Pell grants are a significant benefit, and if she has employers who might discriminate against her, then it stands to reason that she actually pays more than her fair share in taxes and therefore isn't really all that much of a taker compared to the super-rich fartsacks who are super-pissed that the government has an interests in non-millionaires actually surviving through adulthood, and that they're expected to contribute a small fraction of their amassed wealth so that others might not die from starvation or lack of medical care.

proudgrampa May 8, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Jesus. These Republicans have a real mean, niggardly streak in them, no?

yrbmegr May 8, 2012 at 12:09 pm

It looks so good on those seven foot 3DHD TV's. I just don't understand it.

Doktor StrangeZoom May 8, 2012 at 12:11 pm

I sure am glad that Mr. Lowry posted this on the privately-developed Internet, using electrons unsullied by the government-funded power grid.

chascates May 8, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Look at the savings! The government will pay for Julia's birth control pills or abortion (if there's an 'oops') and save tens of thousands on paying for her child care bills–plus we won't have to put her bastard son into prison when he gets on drugs and goes on a drug-induced shooting rampage!

ttommyunger May 8, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Nothing against teh gheys, but closeted, self-hating hypocritical gheys are the absolute worst. Young Master Lowery is chief among them. How do I know? One can't gobble knobs 24/7 without developing Johnny Mathis-type muscular cheeks over the years. Little Richie's cheeks no doubt put an industrial model Hoover to shame when it comes to pure sucking power. Smirking little cunt!

__kth__ May 8, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Well his most famous moment on the Internet was his stroke-by-stroke report of jacking off to Sarah Palin on the teevee, so he at least swings both ways.

ttommyunger May 8, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Wimmins with the hand; men, with the mouf….

imissopus May 8, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Our old favorite Ross Douchehat was apparently complaining about Julia's lack of character development:

She seems to have no meaningful relationships apart from her bond with the Obama White House: no friends or siblings or extended family, no husband (“Julia decides to have a child,” is all the slide show says), a son who disappears once school starts and parents who only matter because Obamacare grants her the privilege of staying on their health care plan until she’s 26.

Ha ha, she's not a character in a novel, you moron. The Obama campaign wasn't sitting around trying to figure out her arc. If your sense of your own humanity is so low that you see a cheesy political exercise as some sort of existential insult, maybe you should check yourself in to the nearest psych ward and get yourself a Thorazine IV.

Nesnora May 8, 2012 at 1:05 pm

"She seems to have no meaningful relationships apart from her bond with the Obama White House" = "This smug slutty bitch thinks she can live on her own without a Man driving her decisions, what a cold cunt."

SorosBot May 8, 2012 at 1:08 pm

She still sounds better written and with a more active and realistic emotional life than any woman from a Michael Bay film.

Wonderthing May 8, 2012 at 12:38 pm

"Bobby begins his life as a Saturday night mistake after a bottle of Wild Turkey and online porn. He is ignored by 'parents' as he bounces from one meth-head couch to another until he's finally old enough to stand outside the Safeway and beg for his own change. Scarred enough now, he begins to figure out that the capitalist system will only chew him up and spit him out so he starts committing crimes. He's apprehended, thrown into juvie where he costs the state approximately 15,000 dollars a year. During his time in juvie he learns how to perform bigger and better crimes. He also learns about love, which he wants no part of. On release, he's met at the gate, and taken 'home' which is the back seat of an abandoned vehicle. After about three weeks of scrounging, he is incorporated into a gang that deals meth. He's caught, and caught, and caught until he ends up in state prison. This costs the taxpayer about 25,000 per year, because by now, Bobby has contracted several diseases which need to be treated under prison laws. Bobby will follow this pattern throughout most of his life. He will also drag down most of the people he comes in contact with, as opportunities were never available to him when funding was cut for most social programs that targeted at risk youth like Bobby. Eat the fucking rich before they eat you."

Not_So_Much May 8, 2012 at 12:41 pm

I'm not convinced that Rich being a total cunt qualifies him to know much about Julia or any other women.

Callyson May 8, 2012 at 12:52 pm

a job where she can sue her employers for the pay that she earned thanks to the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act

/fixed

Asshole.

Tundra Grifter May 8, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Julia needs a yellow shirt.

Nesnora May 8, 2012 at 1:01 pm

To his defense, he's been writing a lot of fan-fic about Julia being dommed by Ann Rand's cold dead twat…

GOPCrusher May 8, 2012 at 1:02 pm

It connects the dots that government can actually do good things, which is not what they want the people to believe. And why they want to run it.

__kth__ May 8, 2012 at 1:03 pm

We used to do things Lowry's way: Julia would have been born in a tarpaper shack, with 9 other siblings, all malnourished, and sent either to the garment factory, the cotton fields, or the mines as soon as they were 10 years old. Whether those consequences were intended shall be left as an exercise.

Joey_Blau May 8, 2012 at 1:26 pm

and why are there TWO water fountains? huh? one for freeloading head-Start-taking babies/small business loan taking job-creators and one for the strong free and brave mine workers who dropped out of school at eight to put food on their family?

and which is which?!

glamourdammerung May 8, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Is the caption covering the "whites only" sign that would be on the water fountain if the Republicans had their way?

DancingBoy May 8, 2012 at 4:19 pm

I know Julia, and she totally is a giant whore.

Naked_Bunny May 8, 2012 at 4:22 pm

No surprise that Lowry has it out for Dora the Explorer. He mostly identifies with Swiper.

DahBoner May 8, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Since the majority of rich people in America INHERIT their wealth, probably when she picks the right parents, like this clueless jerk…

BZ1 May 8, 2012 at 7:13 pm

Rich Lowry: more gruel? MORE GRUEL?!

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