here is your monday testicle report

It’s Been Another Banner Day in News About Truck Nutz

All the way from Georgia! They're migrating.

Nashville Nutz Alert operative “Ames” sends your Wonkette this delightful nature photograph of Truck Nutz roaming free and happy in the wilds of a Tennessee parking lot, for all of us to enjoy. Savor it while you can! The Truck Nutz report from South Carolina indicates that over there, the species is being hunted to extinction: “For the second time in a year, a motorist has been ticketed in South Carolina for displaying a replica of testicles on a vehicle.” Heartbreaking. [AP via one million concerned tipsters]

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    1. HippieEsq

      Oh wait…is this diversity, in Truck Nutz form? These southerners are so complex….

    2. Generation[redacted]

      Times are hard and not everyone can afford their own personal TruckNutz Washer.

      1. HippieEsq

        Indeed. Southern culture is truly in jeopardy when you can't get your mother-in-law to wash your Truck Nutz anymore.

        1. DaRooster

          Indeed. Southern culture is truly in jeopardy when you can't get your mother-in-law/sister to wash your Truck Nutz anymore.


    1. FakaktaSouth

      Holy smokes, I am now following Jeffer on the Twitter! He's my first whatever you call a name you are following – following him is the first action I have ever taken on that bird thing. I really really really wish I understood twitter. But yay! (I guess? I really have no idea)

      1. fartknocker

        Do you offer Twitter school? Because I am a twitshit (dumbshit with Twitter). I would enjoy this social media but the 140 character limit and Chuck Grassley scares the shit out of me.

  1. Lascauxcaveman

    First they came for my "Eschew Obfuscation" bumper sticker, and I said nothing…

    1. Serolf_Divad

      …and by the time they came for my "My Karma ate my Dogma" bumper sticker, there was no one left to speak out.

    2. Negropolis

      Then they came for "My daughter is an honors student at Sarah Palin International Baccalaureate Magnet School" bumper sticker, and I was all like "who the fuck put that on my car?"

    3. Preferred Customer

      I didn't say anything, either, but that's because I wasn't sure what you meant.

  2. Tundra Grifter

    All this time I thought "truck nutz" were Scott Brown's Massachusetts supporters.

    1. Butch_Wagstaff

      Well if Jesus can show up on toast, in water stains, and on dog butts…

  3. FakaktaSouth

    I STILL haven't seen this here in the dirrty dirrty – I have no pride or shame about the stupid dumbfuckery I see whilst playing in traffic with my hometown mouth-breathing moron brigade (most of them comment on Breitbart's ghost's drivel apparently though – I'm still catching up and just saw that shit for the first time ever today too) BUT I SWEAR this is not a thing I have or do or know about from anywheres but wonkette. The last thing I wanna think about when behind a person who would think this is cool is their balls though. Stank-nast to the max.

    1. MosesInvests

      Used to see 'em in Nawth Fladuh a lot-apparently, they're illegal now. Which is odd, for America's Dingus(tm).

      1. FakaktaSouth

        Welp, I was just informed by the hubs that he's seen em all around town – some big brass ones even. I hope a "lady" is the one driving around with those too. I don't know a damned thing about anything this perfectly red-neck'ed out, apparently. I can't say I'm terribly sad about that. But I really do need to figure out a way to get the fuck up out of here.

        1. HistoriCat

          I really do need to figure out a way to get the fuck up out of here

          Let us know if you hit on a good idea – there may just be a mass exodus out of the crazy states.

    2. Negropolis

      Hell, I've seen them up here in Michigan. They are everywhere. But, then again, you're liable to see an entire deer tied to the top of a Prius during hunting season, up here. Excuse me, I meant Volt. We don't do anything but domestic.

    3. ttommyunger

      That's what I keep hearing about shit-kickers. What, is soap, water and body talc banned in the South? Plus, any moran knows paper won't get the brown out, also, too.

    1. V572 Is this him?

      If they were Jeebus' testicles (The Sacred Sac), it would be a First Amendment issue.

      By the way, I was in a museum in Cusco, Peru, this week and saw a painting titled "Our Lord of the Earthquakes." Really: it was Seizmic Jeebus.

      1. Serolf_Divad

        The Church of the Sacred Sack sounds like the name of a French cathedral:

        Allonz! Allonz a l'eglise du Sac Sacree!

    2. Boojum

      Not terribly clear speech, what with the balls in the mouth, but free nonetheless.

    3. Dudleydidwrong

      Trucks owned by corporations have the right to display trucknutz. Corporations are more than people, my friends.

      This statement brought to you by the Transportation Department of Walmart.

  4. Arken

    One of my neighbor has CHROME TRUCK NUTZ on his truck. Unsurprisingly, his is the only lawn that's all dirt.

    1. Barb

      Lol, his lawn is all dirt and he probably has to use a weed whacker inside his house.

      1. Arken

        HOWEVER- he, like almost all of my neighbors, is Hispanic. Proof that their necks may be red, but their faces can be of any shade.

        1. Butch_Wagstaff

          I can appreciate the practicality of a dirt yard. No fucking lawn-mowing (which I hate) and you can just water it down for mud-rasslin' fun.

          1. Arken

            We already have a perfectly good solution for a yard you don't want to mow here in Southern California that doesn't involve topsoil blowing around every time it's windy. It's called concrete. Some people even paint it green.

          2. Negropolis

            In the Southwest, they do xeriscaping, which is a zillion times better than concrete.

          3. Arken

            Yes, but I think that's asking far too much from a guy who puts chrome truck nutz on his truck. Concrete is doable.

          4. not that Dewey

            Xeriscaping, in its simplest form, is just gravel and tumbleweed. Once a year you take the propane torch to the tumbleweeds, et voila!

          5. valgal2342

            Lawn mowers always ruin my naps. It's a pet peeve. Seriously, we can build a freakin' Space Shuttle but we can't have quieter lawn mowers with truck nutz.

      2. Tundra Grifter

        Chainlink fence around the place; some old cars and boats parked in the front yard, etc., etc.

        1. BaldarTFlagass

          1979 Z-28 up on cinder blocks? "It's a classic, gonna restore it one of these days…"

  5. sullivanst

    I'm sure it's just a statistical reflection on the rarity of white male truck drivers, but of the two people ticketed in South Carolina for truck nuts, one was with vagina and the other was Messican.

    Pure coincidence, obvs.

  6. Troglodeity

    Next thing you know they'll be ticketing us for putting our dogs on the roof of our cars! Wake up, sheeple!

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      You look so damned sexy sitting there
      With your chrome steel curves
      And your long chrome hair
      Hey mudflap girl
      Flashing in my headlight beam
      I'll follow you around the world
      You are my midnight dream
      You pack no suitcase, you wear no dress
      You ask no questions, you answer yes
      You see no evil, you tell no lies
      'Cause you have no mouth and you have no eyes
      Hey mudflap girl
      Flashing in my headlight beam
      I'll follow you around the world
      You are my midnight dream

      1. user-of-owls

        Which is all well and good, except for it has letters and words, which could prove challenging among the target demographic.

      2. vtxmcrider

        Looks like some kind of transvestite with hair growing down the back and no fucking tits.

    1. Dashboard Buddha

      You know…mr outdoors would be among the first to lament the extinction of a species…but he would take special pride if he was the one that made it extinct.

  7. CommieLibunatic

    Some time ago, I saw a truck or something driving around with a giant pair of chrome hex nuts hanging by chains from the hitch. I gave it a begrudged tip of my non-existent hat.

    These pendulous affronts, on the other hand, make me 1) sick to my stomach, and 2) half-nervous to honestly use the word "nuts" in my design job.

  8. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Until they come up with a truck labia, all truck nutz should be banned.

    1. __kth__

      Sadly a Truck Butthole will be first (probably to go in the square hole where the trailer hitch goes, which already looks a little like an asshole)

      1. HistoriCat

        You could probably become, if not a one percenter at least a top 20 percenter if you could get that idea on the market.

    1. __kth__

      Wire them to the radar detector, so they automatically withdraw when predators are afoot. Imitation of nature.

  9. CapnFatback

    “For the second time in a year, a motorist has been ticketed in South Carolina for displaying a replica of testicles on a vehicle.”

    I had been waiting for the other ball to drop.

  10. a_pink_poodle

    I find it hilarious that the nuts are proportionately smaller in relation to the size of the truck than on an ordinary person. Proportionate size of the drivers maybe?

  11. Monsieur_Grumpe

    What babe magnet! I suppose you need the heavy suspension to properly handle the heft of his yearly date at the state fair.

  12. stncmchnc

    Gawd's gift to ballroom notoriety. My unreserved apologies to Ghost Bon Scott.

  13. __kth__

    OTOH, fake semi-style smokestacks not actually attached to the exhaust system ought to cost you your drivers license.

  14. Beowoof

    Whenever I see truck nutz I often believe there is a compensation going on; and usually they are on a big red truck. This says needle dick bug fucker to me.

  15. anniegetyerfun

    Are those supposed to be a decent approximation of what testicles look like? After having gone through the lawn mower?

  16. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    That guys dick is so small that it's inverted, but not in a cool vagina kinda way.

  17. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    What that truck REALLY needs is a bratty cartoon character peeing on something. Oh, and a Jesus fish.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      I saw a van like that in Tucson last month. Covered with pro-gun and Nazi storm trooper decals, on either side of a Christian fish symbol. I'm sure Jesus would be thrilled to serve on the boards of the NRA and the Neo-Nazi Party.

  18. southernbeale

    Wow. I live in Tennessee and the only time in my whole life I've seen Truck Nutz "in the wild" was in … wait for it .. Costa Rica.

    1. DahBoner

      Sounds about right. The Pacific side of CR is where you'll meet some of the dumbest Ameticans and Cananadians in the world…

    2. prommie

      Rednecks Fish. Nascar and Fishing, thems are their things, the fishing is fo the rich ones.

  19. DahBoner

    "You keep your Change. I'll keep my God, Guns & Money–except what I blew on these stupid Truck Nutz, $2 Whores and Meth"

  20. WhatTheHeck

    When the presidential debates begin, the one with the largest Nutz hanging on the front of his podium should be declared the winner and the right to inseminate all the females nearby.

  21. elfgoldsackring

    Get those nuts to hospital! I'm pretty sure there's some kind of internal hemorrhage going on.

  22. Radiotherapy

    You got a Trucknutz on my teabagger….You got a teabagger on my Trucknutz.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      Kinda like that famous quote by James Carville: You drag a pair of trucknutz through a trailer park… well I'm gonna paraphrase and say you're pretty sure you know you *will* find a teabagger or more emerge from sheer magnetism.

  23. Negropolis

    Volunteer State Libel!

    That license plate clearly says Georgia. Not that it changes everything, but it certainly changes something.

  24. Wile E. Quixote

    O.T. So apparently Jonah Goldberg is going to be on Piers Morgan tomorrow night, making me wonder if Piers Morgan ever does anything other than give tongue baths to chickenshit conservatives like Doughy Pantload and Turd Nuggett and if CNN really stands for "Chickenhawk News Network".

  25. ElPinche

    It's a matter of time when we start seeing the Dodge Durango's with the SUVagina parked in front of home depot.

  26. bflrtsplk

    When that truck hits a bump of a dip oor something, those Nutz must scape the pavement. I mean, Yeowy. Those exhaust pipes are hawt.

  27. thatsitfortheother1

    That truck is from Georgia. Aren't the scrota there nomally in the driver's seat?


    I saw this bumper sticker here in TX:
    "A Man and his Truck. What a wonderful thing."

  29. BaldarTFlagass

    So, according to the AP article, Hispanic guy is driving through the South, with no driver's license, with a big pair of testicles hanging from the bumper just below a Canadian license plate. I guess he never saw the ending of Easy Rider.

  30. Doktor StrangeZoom

    Le sigh… RIP Maurice Sendak.

    The Atlantic piece I linked to has my favorite Sendak quote, from an interview in comics format Sendak did with Art Spiegelman:

    "People say, 'Oh, Mr. Sendak. I wish I were in touch with my childhood self, like you!' As if it were all quaint and succulent, like Peter Pan. Childhood is cannibals and psychotics vomiting in your mouth! I say, 'You are in touch, lady–you're mean to your kids, you treat your husband like shit, you lie, you're selfish… That is your childhood self!"

    (dead link at the Atlantic; the New Yorker piece is only available online if you have a subscription, so I won't link)

  31. LetUsBray

    Off topic, but does anyone know what's up with Media Matters' web site? I've been getting nothing but an "Internal Server Error" page for over 24 hours now.

    1. not that Dewey

      I just got in. I was greeted with the horrifying visage of Rush Limbaugh, grimacing.

  32. cheetojeebus

    There's an Ed Gein joke* in there somewhere.

    *if that is at all possible? but hey, this is wonkette!

  33. vtxmcrider

    That truck in Tennessee has black TruckNutz. How dare he shove black testicles in the white man's face! That is an affront to common decency in Tennessee, and the owner is very lucky that the KKK has not already torched that fucking truck.

  34. vtxmcrider

    “This object was a pair of large fleshy testicles,” the officer wrote. “This item was flesh colored, anatomically correct, approximately the size of a softball, and in clear view of the public and other motorists.”

    The size of a softball and anatomically correct? They sure as hell love to brag down south. But we believe that shit as much as we believe that the south will rise again.

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