OLD GAFFEY JOE  12:50 pm May 7, 2012

Somehow It Is A Gaffe For Joe Biden To Talk About Domestic Violence, We Guess

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

What a doofusWe do not get this Breitbart.com post at all. Not like, haha, they are stupid and illogical (as per usual); no, we literally have absolutely no idea what they are trying to say here. Did they accidentally hire the Fox Mole to post audio of Joe Biden talking about the courage of women who call the cops on their abusers, his speech interrupted by wild applause? What exactly is their problem here? Your guesses, surely, will be better than ours. Here is the entirety of Breitbart’s post (plus the video, which is after the jump):

“Last time I was down, I had them turn on one of the calls. And a young women, a young women was on the phone saying “I’m calling. Oh my god, oh my god. I see him, he’s coming. I’m standing between Radioshack and Gap. I’m in the mall Please, please, oh god!” That’s the reality. And I love these people who why don’t these women have the courage to get up and leave. Can you imagine the courage it takes to pick up that phone and make the call. We should all have so much courage.”

That is their whole post, presumably because it speaks for itself? Haha? What an idiot? We guess?

Let’s see if Breitbart’s commenters can figure out what is going on:

What say you, CountFunkula?

I mean seriously. Could I please just get through one freaking day without this guy making a total ass of himself? This moron has had a career being a talking head and everytime he talks something insanely stupid comes out. How, in the name of all that is holy, did this guy get himself to the position of VP? It is crazy. The stupidest people I have ever witnessed are running this country right now. And they have the balls to say that people that think like me are the stupid ones!? I wouldn’t hire Biden or Holder to wash the bathrooms in a truckstop. I wouldn’t hire Obama to organize the PTA. I don’t think Janet Napolitano could defend her softball glove. How did we get here?

Wait a minute! This is not CountFunkula’s beautiful house! THIS IS NOT HIS BEAUTIFUL WIFE! Okay, so that is the first comment. What says the second?

I imagine Barry’s team huddled together before they chose a VP running mate for him, saying “I don’t know. Who is less of a dimwit than this guy? Is there ANYONE in our party that will make Obama look smarter?” Then, probably someone from the back, barked out “Biden’s a total idiot. How ’bout HIM?”
And the rest, as they say, is history.

Oh, now we get it. Joe Biden is an idiot.


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mavenmaven May 7, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Because to the GOP, not beating your wife is un-american.

PuckStopsHere May 7, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Count Funkula couldn't dial 9-1-1 if you gave him the 1-1 part.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 7, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Oh, sure … stick him with the big number, why dontcha?

Dashboard Buddha May 7, 2012 at 12:56 pm

You wouldn't hire Biden because you can't afford him. You can't afford Holder of Obama either, but you wouldn't hire them because they're black.

BaldarTFlagass May 7, 2012 at 12:58 pm

"Count Funkula"??? I wonder if he is a blah person.

Generation[redacted] May 7, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Funksploitation movies are so retro.

anniegetyerfun May 7, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Hey, sports fans/lesbians! Can someone please explain to me what it means to "defend her softball glove"? Is this a lady-gay sex joke? I used to play softball, and I have enjoyed sexytime with more than a few ladies, and I do not recall anyone ever using this phrase.

sullivanst May 7, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Can someone please explain to me what it means to "defend her softball glove"?

I'm pretty sure it means "DERP!"

Billmatic May 7, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Whatever it means it sounds freakin hawt.

__kth__ May 7, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Actually I don't recall any Congresswomen getting shot in the face and a half-dozen of her constituents murdered, when Napolitano was the governor of Arizona.

Exhausted66 May 7, 2012 at 1:51 pm

And it's not like this VP shot a friend in the face.

MissTaken May 7, 2012 at 1:34 pm

I would do a YouPorn search, but I'm pretty sure only midget bukkake would appear. And I like my bukkake full-sized.

anniegetyerfun May 7, 2012 at 1:41 pm

YouPorn and RedTube routine return results that are surprising to me. So far, no midgets, but I'm amazed at how many genres I thought I liked that actually involve many minutes of naked wrestling before they get to the good stuff.

Boojum May 7, 2012 at 9:45 pm

I think I need to get to know you better.

SorosBot May 7, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Thanks for reminding me: it's time to go watch some porn.

proudgrampa May 7, 2012 at 2:46 pm

"defend her softball glove"

Holy Cow, that sounds like a lot of fun!!! Hell, I'll do it!!!!

Have I mentioned that some of my best friends are lesbians?

Love you, Annie!

starfanglednut May 7, 2012 at 5:58 pm

It's like Bristol saying "faster than KD Laing at an Indigo Girls concert"

It sounds gay as shit, but it's really gibberish.

OkieDokieDog May 7, 2012 at 12:58 pm

haha! Whut choo talkin' 'bout, Joe?

I'm pretty sure I've read somewhere on the internets, perhaps on the Brietbart rag, that mens has the rights to beat their womens, cause something something Bible quote.

This clearly means that Joe Biden is a godless liberal. And probably a ghay too.

Callyson May 7, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Yeah–the smart comment on this issue would sound more like "try to remember why you married him."


tihond May 7, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Count Funkula? Has George Clinton followed Ted Nugent down the dark path?

HistoriCat May 7, 2012 at 1:58 pm

I'm willing to bet that my middle-aged white ass has more funk than that Count – if he really is nobility – does in his whole body.

memzilla May 7, 2012 at 12:59 pm

The last thing anyone at DeadBreitbart.com would know about is courage.

BaldarTFlagass May 7, 2012 at 12:59 pm

This is fucking huge.

el_donaldo May 7, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Stupid and illogical? The only way I can make sense of the Internet is this: crazy motherfuckers go to WND; the truly stupid ones spend their time at Townhall; the foul, hate-filled, bottom-feeding, maggoty types are the ones who spend time at the Breitbart sites.

If you're having trouble understanding a Breitbarter post, you just need to view it through the mind of someone who truly and utterly loathes and despises anything of value.

Billmatic May 7, 2012 at 1:19 pm

"the foul, hate-filled, bottom-feeding, maggoty types are the ones who spend time at the Breitbart sites. "

So breitbart is the conservative answer to Wonkette?

HIYOOO! I kid because I love y'all <3

Biel_ze_Bubba May 7, 2012 at 2:22 pm

So, you got your trolls, and you got your orcs … and you got your teabaggers. Tolkien never imagined teabaggers.

starfanglednut May 7, 2012 at 6:00 pm

That's what the crack of doom is for. Chuck them teabaggers right in.

Boojum May 7, 2012 at 9:47 pm

The crack of doom is also what you see hanging off the back of a Rascal.

prommie May 7, 2012 at 1:00 pm

As FakaktaSouth pointed out, everyone in the world is stupid except Paul Ryan, so of course Joe Biden is stupid. Train-riding socialist.

Steverino247 May 7, 2012 at 2:38 pm

I didn't know Joe Biden was French!

Blueb4sunrise May 7, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Some people say that 'DERP!' is a suitable term in this context.

Crank_Tango May 7, 2012 at 1:29 pm

I can count to potato, ah ah ah….

ChessieNefercat May 7, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Doesn't Fark call stuff like this "weapons-grade derp"?

Boojum May 7, 2012 at 9:48 pm

Perhaps, but I'm stealing it.

dennis1943 May 7, 2012 at 1:00 pm

We need to lock up that perpetrator of domestic violence being visited upon this country and its electorate……………..

Giveusabob May 7, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Jill Biden must have some impressive forearms, what with smacking sense back into Joe daily.

LastGasp May 7, 2012 at 1:02 pm

I don't mean to give the GOP a beating over this, but making domestic violence acceptable is just part of their "War On Women."

sullivanst May 7, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Well, they made you do it.

gurukalehuru May 7, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Remember Topeka!

Goonemeritus May 7, 2012 at 1:02 pm

I think they are using the slippery slope argument. If you normalize calling the cops on your husband than next thing you know wives will want phones.

ChessieNefercat May 7, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Yeah, with the handy-dandy 911 built right in. Can't have that.

SorosBot May 7, 2012 at 1:03 pm

They think Biden's stupid because he's not blaming the women for doing something like being late with dinner to make their husbands beat them.

edgydrifter May 7, 2012 at 1:03 pm

I'd wager this guy is actually pretty shitty as math and not much better at laying down funky beats. Naturally he uses "CountFunkula" as his moniker, then, because every day is fucking opposite day when you're Republican.

freakishlywrong May 7, 2012 at 1:05 pm

There's a lot of insults to hurl at the current administration. Insanely stupid is projection of the highest order.

SexySmurf May 7, 2012 at 1:05 pm

I wouldn't hire Joe to be in a Lifetime Original Movie, but he was still a more believable battered wife than Tori Spelling.

Schmannnity May 7, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Biden proves that there is no need for the Violence Against Women Act; just call the police. You gotta learn to think like a Breitbart.

Not_So_Much May 7, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Two whole comments in and nobody is talking about Second Amendment remedies for an unruly wife?

bumfug May 7, 2012 at 1:06 pm

David Axelrod later explained that the although the administration believes that it's wrong to beat women in principle, sometimes there are other considerations and more study on this problem is warranted.

Boojum May 7, 2012 at 9:50 pm

Ann Coulter was renditioned to the study group site.

GuanoFaucet May 7, 2012 at 1:07 pm

And they have the balls to say that people that think like me are the stupid ones!?

Dunning-Kruger in action, folks.

Giveusabob May 7, 2012 at 1:27 pm

What about administering those peg board puzzle games, like what you find @ Cracker Barrel, as mandatory prerequisite for running for office AND commenting online?

For full disclosure, my peg board score hovers consistently around "purty smart," if I may brag.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 7, 2012 at 5:57 pm

Clearly, CAPTCHA codes aren't doing the job.
Then again, if there was an effective IQ filter, there would be no wingnut sites like BrightFart.

mormos May 7, 2012 at 1:08 pm

I actually feel for count funkula because I have the same disorder as him
I open my mouth, and stupid shit comes out.
Of course, the disorder is more severe in some.

Mumbletypeg May 7, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Over the weekend, HuffPo included in their intro' to an assemblage of Supermoon images: "…and as for you Supermoon haters, here's this or that" link… So there's enough troll envy out there to hate on some lunar viewing enthusiasts. It therefore doesn't surprise me to find Superman haters riding the planks either.

not that Dewey May 7, 2012 at 1:31 pm

I guess that makes me a supermoon hater. Travellin' through time, hatin' on the moon.

"Supermoon" is some dumb astrological term that has meaning, I suppose, to Huffington Paint readers, and to nobody else.

Mumbletypeg May 7, 2012 at 1:43 pm

I *could* see the point of view of the first author I linked: that, a.) it's only a minisculely discernible difference to the naked eye; b.) You can go outside and enjoy the moon any time, in a number of varied settings, there is plenty of charm and surprise detectable without some *cosmic shift*. To the extent Super-Moonies exaggerate the event's significance I guess is mock-worthy — yet I figure in the scheme of things it's harmless. Cash in on some interesting snapshots from folks around the world and — if this pseudo-event was enough to prick their ears and notice a wonder of nature in a way they hadn't before — then I'll enjoy their viewfinder but pass on the sentiment ~

not that Dewey May 7, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Oh, Phillip Plait is great. I suppose that he and PZ Meyers make me cynical about the NewAgers, and I get carried away. Yes — teachable moment, for sure. But sometimes people can take these "touchstones" to science, such as Supermoon or the movie Contact, and then believe them as gospel, and then we have to spend the rest of our careers explaining to tourists that we don't actually use headphones. It's REALLY hard to undo the crap that HuffPo vomits out there.

It is certainly necessary to raise the public's awareness of the awesomeness of astronomy, and I do this regularly. But PZ Meyers will warn you to be careful what kinds of bait you use; it can easily backfire.

MissTaken May 7, 2012 at 1:37 pm

I watched Melancholia right before the Supermoon. Not gonna lie, I was scared to go outside and see the big-ass moon after that. Even if naked Kirsten Dunst was moon-bathing.

And yes, I know Melancholia was a planet, not the moon. But whatevs, I was still scared.

James Michael Curley May 7, 2012 at 2:13 pm

When Chris Christie is really ranting at one of his town meetings and a sensible, reasonable NJ voter has the audacity to ask a question, that's when we see the Supermoon.

RavenRant May 7, 2012 at 5:33 pm

I haven't liked HuffPo in a long time. But when that sorry bitch called Barry 'despicable', that was the end of the line.

Sorry, Jason Linkins. I'll never click on HuffPo again.

HobbesEvilTwin May 7, 2012 at 1:17 pm

All of them, Katie?

CommieLibunatic May 7, 2012 at 1:18 pm

I think this is just some broader variant of Obama Derangement Syndrome, wherein the mere mention of someone sets a person off. Which I'm sure us LIEbruls do from time to time, albeit with more elitist style and smarts.

SayItWithWookies May 7, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Apparently Biden's an idiot — for sympathizing with battered women. So if I felt even a modicum of remorse for smiling for three days straight after Andrew Breitbart dropped dead, I certainly don't anymore.

elviouslyqueer May 7, 2012 at 1:42 pm

I wish I had a smidge of your empathy, Wooks. I'm still smiling about that decomposing waste of protoplasm.

Boojum May 7, 2012 at 9:53 pm

I'm sad we can't revive him, to watch him rot.

pdiddycornchips May 7, 2012 at 1:22 pm

I have listened to this a few times to see if there is some hidden meaning or wingnut dog whistle that prompts the zombies awake and orders them to bang their fingers on their 'puter keyboards. Maybe, because wingnuts have the mental capacity of baby sparrows, they hear only words like "he's coming!" "oh God" and "Gap" and think Biden is teaching women how to masterbate?

ChessieNefercat May 7, 2012 at 4:04 pm

I've seen birds fly into plate glass windows who clearly were brighter than these witless dolts.

__kth__ May 7, 2012 at 1:26 pm

So what they are saying is that Biden is like Spiro Agnew, except genial instead of mean and dishonest. I can think of worse profiles for Leader of the Free World, in case one of Breitbart's readers decides that killing Obama will make his miserable life meaningful.

Crank_Tango May 7, 2012 at 1:28 pm

more importantly, why are we entrusting our Great Nation's truckstop bathroom maintenance hiring decisions to someone named Count Funkula?

BlueStateLibel May 7, 2012 at 1:33 pm

I'll explain it: basically they're saying Biden is so STOOPID because every knows it's perfectly OK to beat and stalk your wife, bitch asked for it when she refused to make me a samwhich.

glamourdammerung May 7, 2012 at 1:36 pm

I agree with Big Failure here. The best way to replace Breitbart was with a random text generator seeded with a few casually bigoted phrases. After all, they apparently replaced their commenters with such a system years ago judging by the troll that kept coming over here to spew.

MissTaken May 7, 2012 at 1:39 pm

And I love these people who why don’t these women have the courage to get up and leave.

Did they think Biden was saying he loves the asshole men who stalk and beat women? I so confuzed.

owhatever May 7, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Did the Breitbartians howl at the super moon to summon the decayed soul of their dead zombie leader?

James Michael Curley May 7, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Do Breitbartian heads explode when they hear Slim Whitman sing "Indian Love Call"?

Serolf_Divad May 7, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Stupid Joe Biden. True courage is shooting the unarmed 17 year old black kid you accosted.

Wile E. Quixote May 7, 2012 at 2:08 pm

I wonder how Count Funkula will react when the Drudge report breaks the real story about Andrew Breitbart and releases his real autopsy report, the one that the liebruls in the liebrul media suppressed and which shows that his stomach contents were a noisome and frothy mix of Four Loko, crushed oxycontin tablets, pork-rind, bile, cocaine, methamphetamine and the semen from at least two dozen men.

Fairtackle May 7, 2012 at 2:22 pm

It is a lot easier to think of yourself as an smart badass if you know no one will challenge you.

pdiddycornchips May 7, 2012 at 3:09 pm

In a world full of morons, the doofus is king.

MaxUdargo May 7, 2012 at 2:22 pm

In fairness, I don't think Joe is going to win any acting awards for his dramatic re-enactments of "women paralyzed by fear."

Boojum May 7, 2012 at 9:55 pm

No, but he can sound just like a blow job. It's a party trick.

Joe Biden is my favorite elected official. No joke.

DaRooster May 7, 2012 at 2:43 pm

"This moron has had a career being a talking head and everytime he talks something insanely stupid comes out."

Yeah, not like that guy that was the actual President a few years ago.

pinkocommi May 7, 2012 at 2:50 pm

This makes me think the defining characteristic of being Republican is lacking empathy. I think psychologists call it being a psychopath. Same thing.

Boojum May 7, 2012 at 9:56 pm


Yes, and they want to raise a generation of them.

fuflans May 7, 2012 at 3:04 pm

there are many many ways to criticize the obama administration if you're so inclined.

saying bamz is stupid is not one of them.

RavenRant May 7, 2012 at 5:36 pm

Acknowledging that a black man could be intelligent earns you the Republican Ban Hammer.

ttommyunger May 7, 2012 at 3:05 pm

But Breitbart is still dead, right?

ChessieNefercat May 7, 2012 at 7:30 pm

God, I hope so.

Tommy1733 May 7, 2012 at 3:10 pm

These dicks really don't have anything of substance to level at Biden, or Barry O for that matter, so they are scared and pretty sure that they will win in November, so they just resort to name-calling, even when it is wholly inappropriate.

ChessieNefercat May 7, 2012 at 4:01 pm

How DARE these slobbering, brainless, gormless goons insult my Handsome Old Joe Biden!

Seriously, VP Biden has worked tirelessly for the VAWA all these years, because he respects and cares about women, and about making life safer and more worthwhile for oh, about half the nation's population, oh yes, and the kiddies too.

That these vile turds sneer at someone with so many more accomplishments, so much more human worth, and so much more intelligence than they could ever hope to find behind their beady little eyes just makes me all stabby.

Boojum May 7, 2012 at 9:58 pm

There are mosquitos with more human worth. And paint with more intelligence.

BZ1 May 7, 2012 at 11:58 pm

Exact quote from Brietbart.com: "That he got elected even ONE time is a testament to the stuipity of the people that voted for him."

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