What a doofusWe do not get this post at all. Not like, haha, they are stupid and illogical (as per usual); no, we literally have absolutely no idea what they are trying to say here. Did they accidentally hire the Fox Mole to post audio of Joe Biden talking about the courage of women who call the cops on their abusers, his speech interrupted by wild applause? What exactly is their problem here? Your guesses, surely, will be better than ours. Here is the entirety of Breitbart’s post (plus the video, which is after the jump):

“Last time I was down, I had them turn on one of the calls. And a young women, a young women was on the phone saying “I’m calling. Oh my god, oh my god. I see him, he’s coming. I’m standing between Radioshack and Gap. I’m in the mall Please, please, oh god!” That’s the reality. And I love these people who why don’t these women have the courage to get up and leave. Can you imagine the courage it takes to pick up that phone and make the call. We should all have so much courage.”

That is their whole post, presumably because it speaks for itself? Haha? What an idiot? We guess?

Let’s see if Breitbart’s commenters can figure out what is going on:

What say you, CountFunkula?

I mean seriously. Could I please just get through one freaking day without this guy making a total ass of himself? This moron has had a career being a talking head and everytime he talks something insanely stupid comes out. How, in the name of all that is holy, did this guy get himself to the position of VP? It is crazy. The stupidest people I have ever witnessed are running this country right now. And they have the balls to say that people that think like me are the stupid ones!? I wouldn’t hire Biden or Holder to wash the bathrooms in a truckstop. I wouldn’t hire Obama to organize the PTA. I don’t think Janet Napolitano could defend her softball glove. How did we get here?

Wait a minute! This is not CountFunkula’s beautiful house! THIS IS NOT HIS BEAUTIFUL WIFE! Okay, so that is the first comment. What says the second?

I imagine Barry’s team huddled together before they chose a VP running mate for him, saying “I don’t know. Who is less of a dimwit than this guy? Is there ANYONE in our party that will make Obama look smarter?” Then, probably someone from the back, barked out “Biden’s a total idiot. How ’bout HIM?”
And the rest, as they say, is history.

Oh, now we get it. Joe Biden is an idiot.


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  • mavenmaven

    Because to the GOP, not beating your wife is un-american.

  • PuckStopsHere

    Count Funkula couldn't dial 9-1-1 if you gave him the 1-1 part.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Oh, sure … stick him with the big number, why dontcha?

  • Dashboard Buddha

    You wouldn't hire Biden because you can't afford him. You can't afford Holder of Obama either, but you wouldn't hire them because they're black.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Count Funkula"??? I wonder if he is a blah person.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Funksploitation movies are so retro.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Hey, sports fans/lesbians! Can someone please explain to me what it means to "defend her softball glove"? Is this a lady-gay sex joke? I used to play softball, and I have enjoyed sexytime with more than a few ladies, and I do not recall anyone ever using this phrase.

  • OkieDokieDog

    haha! Whut choo talkin' 'bout, Joe?

    I'm pretty sure I've read somewhere on the internets, perhaps on the Brietbart rag, that mens has the rights to beat their womens, cause something something Bible quote.

    This clearly means that Joe Biden is a godless liberal. And probably a ghay too.

  • Callyson

    Yeah–the smart comment on this issue would sound more like "try to remember why you married him."


  • tihond

    Count Funkula? Has George Clinton followed Ted Nugent down the dark path?

    • HistoriCat

      I'm willing to bet that my middle-aged white ass has more funk than that Count – if he really is nobility – does in his whole body.

  • memzilla

    The last thing anyone at would know about is courage.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    This is fucking huge.

  • el_donaldo

    Stupid and illogical? The only way I can make sense of the Internet is this: crazy motherfuckers go to WND; the truly stupid ones spend their time at Townhall; the foul, hate-filled, bottom-feeding, maggoty types are the ones who spend time at the Breitbart sites.

    If you're having trouble understanding a Breitbarter post, you just need to view it through the mind of someone who truly and utterly loathes and despises anything of value.

    • Billmatic

      "the foul, hate-filled, bottom-feeding, maggoty types are the ones who spend time at the Breitbart sites. "

      So breitbart is the conservative answer to Wonkette?

      HIYOOO! I kid because I love y'all <3

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      So, you got your trolls, and you got your orcs … and you got your teabaggers. Tolkien never imagined teabaggers.

      • That's what the crack of doom is for. Chuck them teabaggers right in.

        • Boojum

          The crack of doom is also what you see hanging off the back of a Rascal.

  • prommie

    As FakaktaSouth pointed out, everyone in the world is stupid except Paul Ryan, so of course Joe Biden is stupid. Train-riding socialist.

    • Steverino247

      I didn't know Joe Biden was French!

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Some people say that 'DERP!' is a suitable term in this context.

    • Crank_Tango

      I can count to potato, ah ah ah….

    • ChessieNefercat

      Doesn't Fark call stuff like this "weapons-grade derp"?

      • Boojum

        Perhaps, but I'm stealing it.

  • dennis1943

    We need to lock up that perpetrator of domestic violence being visited upon this country and its electorate……………..

  • Giveusabob

    Jill Biden must have some impressive forearms, what with smacking sense back into Joe daily.

  • LastGasp

    I don't mean to give the GOP a beating over this, but making domestic violence acceptable is just part of their "War On Women."

    • sullivanst

      Well, they made you do it.

    • Remember Topeka!

  • Goonemeritus

    I think they are using the slippery slope argument. If you normalize calling the cops on your husband than next thing you know wives will want phones.

    • ChessieNefercat

      Yeah, with the handy-dandy 911 built right in. Can't have that.

  • SorosBot

    They think Biden's stupid because he's not blaming the women for doing something like being late with dinner to make their husbands beat them.

  • edgydrifter

    I'd wager this guy is actually pretty shitty as math and not much better at laying down funky beats. Naturally he uses "CountFunkula" as his moniker, then, because every day is fucking opposite day when you're Republican.

  • freakishlywrong

    There's a lot of insults to hurl at the current administration. Insanely stupid is projection of the highest order.

  • SexySmurf

    I wouldn't hire Joe to be in a Lifetime Original Movie, but he was still a more believable battered wife than Tori Spelling.

  • Schmannnity

    Biden proves that there is no need for the Violence Against Women Act; just call the police. You gotta learn to think like a Breitbart.

  • Not_So_Much

    Two whole comments in and nobody is talking about Second Amendment remedies for an unruly wife?

  • bumfug

    David Axelrod later explained that the although the administration believes that it's wrong to beat women in principle, sometimes there are other considerations and more study on this problem is warranted.

    • Boojum

      Ann Coulter was renditioned to the study group site.

  • GuanoFaucet

    And they have the balls to say that people that think like me are the stupid ones!?

    Dunning-Kruger in action, folks.

    • Giveusabob

      What about administering those peg board puzzle games, like what you find @ Cracker Barrel, as mandatory prerequisite for running for office AND commenting online?

      For full disclosure, my peg board score hovers consistently around "purty smart," if I may brag.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Clearly, CAPTCHA codes aren't doing the job.
        Then again, if there was an effective IQ filter, there would be no wingnut sites like BrightFart.

  • mormos

    I actually feel for count funkula because I have the same disorder as him
    I open my mouth, and stupid shit comes out.
    Of course, the disorder is more severe in some.

  • Over the weekend, HuffPo included in their intro' to an assemblage of Supermoon images: "…and as for you Supermoon haters, here's this or that" link… So there's enough troll envy out there to hate on some lunar viewing enthusiasts. It therefore doesn't surprise me to find Superman haters riding the planks either.

    • not that Dewey

      I guess that makes me a supermoon hater. Travellin' through time, hatin' on the moon.

      "Supermoon" is some dumb astrological term that has meaning, I suppose, to Huffington Paint readers, and to nobody else.

      • I *could* see the point of view of the first author I linked: that, a.) it's only a minisculely discernible difference to the naked eye; b.) You can go outside and enjoy the moon any time, in a number of varied settings, there is plenty of charm and surprise detectable without some *cosmic shift*. To the extent Super-Moonies exaggerate the event's significance I guess is mock-worthy — yet I figure in the scheme of things it's harmless. Cash in on some interesting snapshots from folks around the world and — if this pseudo-event was enough to prick their ears and notice a wonder of nature in a way they hadn't before — then I'll enjoy their viewfinder but pass on the sentiment ~

        • not that Dewey

          Oh, Phillip Plait is great. I suppose that he and PZ Meyers make me cynical about the NewAgers, and I get carried away. Yes — teachable moment, for sure. But sometimes people can take these "touchstones" to science, such as Supermoon or the movie Contact, and then believe them as gospel, and then we have to spend the rest of our careers explaining to tourists that we don't actually use headphones. It's REALLY hard to undo the crap that HuffPo vomits out there.

          It is certainly necessary to raise the public's awareness of the awesomeness of astronomy, and I do this regularly. But PZ Meyers will warn you to be careful what kinds of bait you use; it can easily backfire.

    • MissTaken

      I watched Melancholia right before the Supermoon. Not gonna lie, I was scared to go outside and see the big-ass moon after that. Even if naked Kirsten Dunst was moon-bathing.

      And yes, I know Melancholia was a planet, not the moon. But whatevs, I was still scared.

    • James Michael Curley

      When Chris Christie is really ranting at one of his town meetings and a sensible, reasonable NJ voter has the audacity to ask a question, that's when we see the Supermoon.

    • RavenRant

      I haven't liked HuffPo in a long time. But when that sorry bitch called Barry 'despicable', that was the end of the line.

      Sorry, Jason Linkins. I'll never click on HuffPo again.

  • HobbesEvilTwin

    All of them, Katie?

  • CommieLibunatic

    I think this is just some broader variant of Obama Derangement Syndrome, wherein the mere mention of someone sets a person off. Which I'm sure us LIEbruls do from time to time, albeit with more elitist style and smarts.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Apparently Biden's an idiot — for sympathizing with battered women. So if I felt even a modicum of remorse for smiling for three days straight after Andrew Breitbart dropped dead, I certainly don't anymore.

    • elviouslyqueer

      I wish I had a smidge of your empathy, Wooks. I'm still smiling about that decomposing waste of protoplasm.

      • Boojum

        I'm sad we can't revive him, to watch him rot.

  • pdiddycornchips

    I have listened to this a few times to see if there is some hidden meaning or wingnut dog whistle that prompts the zombies awake and orders them to bang their fingers on their 'puter keyboards. Maybe, because wingnuts have the mental capacity of baby sparrows, they hear only words like "he's coming!" "oh God" and "Gap" and think Biden is teaching women how to masterbate?

    • ChessieNefercat

      I've seen birds fly into plate glass windows who clearly were brighter than these witless dolts.

  • __kth__

    So what they are saying is that Biden is like Spiro Agnew, except genial instead of mean and dishonest. I can think of worse profiles for Leader of the Free World, in case one of Breitbart's readers decides that killing Obama will make his miserable life meaningful.

  • Crank_Tango

    more importantly, why are we entrusting our Great Nation's truckstop bathroom maintenance hiring decisions to someone named Count Funkula?

  • BlueStateLibel

    I'll explain it: basically they're saying Biden is so STOOPID because every knows it's perfectly OK to beat and stalk your wife, bitch asked for it when she refused to make me a samwhich.

  • I agree with Big Failure here. The best way to replace Breitbart was with a random text generator seeded with a few casually bigoted phrases. After all, they apparently replaced their commenters with such a system years ago judging by the troll that kept coming over here to spew.

  • MissTaken

    And I love these people who why don’t these women have the courage to get up and leave.

    Did they think Biden was saying he loves the asshole men who stalk and beat women? I so confuzed.

  • owhatever

    Did the Breitbartians howl at the super moon to summon the decayed soul of their dead zombie leader?

    • James Michael Curley

      Do Breitbartian heads explode when they hear Slim Whitman sing "Indian Love Call"?

  • Serolf_Divad

    Stupid Joe Biden. True courage is shooting the unarmed 17 year old black kid you accosted.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    I wonder how Count Funkula will react when the Drudge report breaks the real story about Andrew Breitbart and releases his real autopsy report, the one that the liebruls in the liebrul media suppressed and which shows that his stomach contents were a noisome and frothy mix of Four Loko, crushed oxycontin tablets, pork-rind, bile, cocaine, methamphetamine and the semen from at least two dozen men.

  • Fairtackle

    It is a lot easier to think of yourself as an smart badass if you know no one will challenge you.

    • pdiddycornchips

      In a world full of morons, the doofus is king.

  • In fairness, I don't think Joe is going to win any acting awards for his dramatic re-enactments of "women paralyzed by fear."

    • Boojum

      No, but he can sound just like a blow job. It's a party trick.

      Joe Biden is my favorite elected official. No joke.

  • DaRooster

    "This moron has had a career being a talking head and everytime he talks something insanely stupid comes out."

    Yeah, not like that guy that was the actual President a few years ago.

  • pinkocommi

    This makes me think the defining characteristic of being Republican is lacking empathy. I think psychologists call it being a psychopath. Same thing.

    • Boojum


      Yes, and they want to raise a generation of them.

  • fuflans

    there are many many ways to criticize the obama administration if you're so inclined.

    saying bamz is stupid is not one of them.

    • RavenRant

      Acknowledging that a black man could be intelligent earns you the Republican Ban Hammer.

  • ttommyunger

    But Breitbart is still dead, right?

    • ChessieNefercat

      God, I hope so.

  • Tommy1733

    These dicks really don't have anything of substance to level at Biden, or Barry O for that matter, so they are scared and pretty sure that they will win in November, so they just resort to name-calling, even when it is wholly inappropriate.

  • ChessieNefercat

    How DARE these slobbering, brainless, gormless goons insult my Handsome Old Joe Biden!

    Seriously, VP Biden has worked tirelessly for the VAWA all these years, because he respects and cares about women, and about making life safer and more worthwhile for oh, about half the nation's population, oh yes, and the kiddies too.

    That these vile turds sneer at someone with so many more accomplishments, so much more human worth, and so much more intelligence than they could ever hope to find behind their beady little eyes just makes me all stabby.

    • Boojum

      There are mosquitos with more human worth. And paint with more intelligence.

  • BZ1

    Exact quote from "That he got elected even ONE time is a testament to the stuipity of the people that voted for him."

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