it's for a good cause

Failed AL Governor Has Ditched Wife To Knock Up Lesbians In New Zealand

should've pushed him off

Sad Bill Johnson, Alabama’s former head of economic and community affairs and failed attempted governor of the state, has apparently left his wife and absconded to New Zealand, where he has set off on a task of inserting his johnson into any woman who will have him because he has decided that sanctified life, as authored by his sperm and any egg, is more important than being faithful to his wife and saving the world one lost political seat at a time. In December, nearly two years after he quite nearly became the governor of Alabama (but lost to Richard Bentley), it was revealed that Johnson, a Prattville native, appropriately, has like a zillion babies in New Zealand, where he has been generously donating his sperm to lesbian couples. But at some point he became quite greedy about his generosity, and once there was an earthquake in New Zealand, he was all, “PERFECT, BYE!” and went off to “help” more “lesbian couples.”

Johnson’s actual wife, Kathy, a former Mrs. Alabama (this exists), permitted an interview with The New Zealand Morning Herald, apparently, and announced that her husband is now gone because he is “obsessed” with fathering children. Apparently he wants an active role in these lil babies’ lives, and wants Kathy to live there with him so they can go around visiting babies forever. Via Raw Story, she added:

I will not chase him to the other side of the world so he can be a part-time father to children he created with other women.

It turns out that Mr. Johnson is just making “the best” of a bad situation, namely that his wife is not able to have children, because she had a hysterectomy before they were even married. Martyr (both of them). A Herald reporter found Mr. Johnson and asked him to comment.

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Johnson said that his wife was unable to get pregnant and that being a father is “a need that I have.” The newspaper said three New Zealand women were pregnant with Johnson’s children, and at least nine received sperm donations from him.

So, how exactly is this sperm “donated”? Are gay women who want babies the only people who will “receive” Mr. Johnson’s johnson, hence this charitable quest? Or is this all done in the traditional method, into a plastic cup, affording Johnson the opportunity to look at porn and jerk off in a private chamber often and in a way that is not wasteful? The possibilities for how this is justified are…well, there aren’t any. But Johnson’s whole argument was basically, This is what Kathy would have wanted, as if Kathy is dead, or dead inside, because she cannot have children. Wonderful story, wonderful. [Raw Story]

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Liz is a writer. She has written for this site, evidently, and also The Awl, The San Francisco Chronicle, NPR, The Economist and others. She is the author of a short story collection, Cover Story.

View all articles by Liz Colville

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124 comments

    1. rocktonsam

      I HOPE SOMEONE IS KEEPING TRACK OF ALL THESE ASSHOLES TO PUT UP A PLAQUE SOMEWHERE HONORING THEM AND THERE INDIVIDUALITY.

  1. LastGasp

    Everybody needs a hobby. But on a serious note, child support payments are not an issue in New Zealand?

    1. sullivanst

      I would think the rules for sperm donors are usually different. Although the whole being involved in the kids' lives doesn't strike me as a normal thing associated with sperm donation, which I thought was typically more of a fire-and-forget deal.

      1. HistoriCat

        I read an article a while back about kids who wanted to get in touch with the sperm donor/biological father. For some reason, some people think this is a good idea.

        I look back on my younger days and am relieved that I never tried to get that sweet sperm donor money as advertised in the university newspaper ad.

  2. Lascauxcaveman

    I've often felt that I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body; but no Mr. Johnson, I don't want to have your babies.

  3. OkieDokieDog

    This makes me weep with joy. Bless this man, his belief in the sanctity of marriage, and his high family values morals.

    Wait… those were tears of laughter. So, never mind.

  4. Nesnora

    Yes, because what every child wants is an egotistical, self-obsessed, unreliable maniac in their lives as a part-time dad.

    This man gives good balls a bad rap.

  5. fartknocker

    He's practicing those Republican family values. At least the fine people in New Zealand support Planned Parenthood.

  6. edgydrifter

    Sewing your seed in a multitude of lesbian wombs is a Biblical mandate. I think it's somewhere in Hustleronomy.

  7. BaldarTFlagass

    "So, how exactly is this sperm “donated”? Are gay women who want babies the only people who will “receive” Mr. Johnson’s johnson, hence this charitable quest? "

    "Just close your eyes and pretend I'm wearing a strap-on."

  8. freakishlywrong

    Fuck. NZ was on my short list of places to flee when the revolution comes. I'm fleeing to escape rightwing assholery, so this will not do.

  9. anniegetyerfun

    Yes, being a "father" is a "need that I have" just "not with the woman that I married and promised to love and cherish" which is why we couldn't "adopt children who need homes."

    1. Negropolis

      I think what's worse is that he had this desire, and then married a woman who he knew couldn't give him a biological child. This is a sick man with his literal fucking and his mind-fucking, to boot.

  10. Blueb4sunrise

    Oh sure, fix the typo just as I'm about to point it out.

    In December, two years after her quite nearly became the governor of Alabama..

  11. GuanoFaucet

    Johnson said that his wife was unable to get pregnant and that being a father is “a need that I have.”

    Yes, becoming a sperm donor to several lesbians halfway around the world is a much more sensible way to fulfill this need of yours to be a father than, oh, adopting a kid or two.

  12. VaWyo

    A real christian would not have married Kathy because she didn't have a uterus. Women are only good for procreation. Duh.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Quite honestly, since this is Alabama, I'm surprised that she isn't in prison for murder.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Acording to Dick Santorum, it's OK to marry her — it's just not OK for her to have sex, ever.

  13. Baconzgood

    "She said he had told her he had donated sperm to women wanting children at least 50 times over a handful of months."

    Sheesh…I can (and do) jerk off more than that.

  14. Billmatic

    I can't wait to grow up so that I too can significantly alter the genepool of the population of a pacific island nation one cup of cum at a time.

  15. prommie

    So, his wife's insides are a barren, and rocky place, where his seed can find no purchase? Then he shoulda stole a baby or two from Octomom, or someone else who has too many.

  16. prommie

    This must have something to do with how the bible says you have to fuck your sister-in-law if anything happens to your brother.

  17. Mumbletypeg

    I love how electable these guys are, until they're found to be utter imbeciles. To have it conversely done would be somehow unAmerican. Seriously. My ire is not for this oddball so much as how his odd-ballity has a *snooze* detector reading every voter's brain, determining it's safe to resume course past their idling judgment-capacitors, and all the way to power status, not even the Mrs. is the wiser for it — LITERally — til shit's hit the fan and gotten it on *everybody.*

  18. cbbruuno

    Not to be a jerk but I don't think getting 1.7% of the vote in the GOP primary counts as nearly becoming Governor of Alabama.

  19. SayItWithWookies

    Sometimes a man just has to follow his dream — even if that dream is to be the founder of the most butch volleyball team of half-sisters in the entire south Pacific. Which, now that I put it that way, doesn't sound like such a crazy aspiration after all.

  20. sullivanst

    I think I can round out Johnson's reasoning at the end there:

    This is what Kathy would have wanted… because it's what I want dammit!

  21. Pragmatist2

    I looked on Monster.com and there was not a single listing for "Lesbian Impregnator."
    I will check again tomorrow.

  22. rickmaci

    I'm sure he now has his new mission firmly in hand. After all, I'm told this kind of work can be quite hard on a guy. When he is done they will most likely erect a Johnson monument in New Zeal-land.

  23. meatlofer

    He should've joined the Secret Service, then he could've sprayed his sperm worldwide.

  24. SheriffRoscoe

    God has closed a door in Alabama. But He has opened a lot of windows in New Zealand.

  25. Equality_Joe

    But no, seriously, most places actually have rules about sperm donation frequency, because if you spread your seed too widely in too small a community, and too anonymously, you end up creating a non-trivial risk of promoting unwitting incest, as half-siblings who don't know they're half-siblings end up together.

    My guess is, Mr. Johnson from Alabama hasn't actually considered this issue, for some reason.

    1. joobajooba

      Maybe they don't have laws against that in Alabama. I'm sure seed has been widely spread there for centuries.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      My guess is, this was already a problem for Mr. Johnson before he left Alabammy.

    3. Negropolis

      Sounds to me as if New Zealand's the one that hasn't considered this, or else his ass would have been on a no-fly zone, there.

    4. BruceMajorsky

      Yes they are supposed to monitor and limit it. But they still allow you to have more than one or two. And you can also donate to multiple facilities. And there is some non-clinic donation going on too. I have a 14 year old from donating to a friend of a friend.

  26. MissTaken

    I'm sure the lesbian couples that used Johnson's sperm to start their families are absolutely thrilled that he is showing up and wanting to play daddy. Just thrilled.

  27. owhatever

    And when a lesbian isn't available, there are millions of sheep in New Zealand.

  28. Dashboard Buddha

    I wonder how the Lesbians of New Zealand feel about this? Is there a shiver of fear running through the community…"oh my god…did we get pregnant with the seed of a moron??"

  29. Chet Kincaid

    This sounds like the plot of last week's "Law & Order: SVU" — in the first act, before further plot twists that sent the story back and forth over the shark. That show has become just as laughable as "CSI: Miami."

    1. sewollef

      The stupid amber lighting in CSI: Miami messes with my head.

      Yes, and the acting's crap too.

  30. johnnyzhivago

    You have to be careful though – in some states if a batch of your "donation" ends up spoiling because you forgot to put it in the freezer, you could be facing mass murder charges.

    1. Spurning Beer

      Man, I've been to Prattville. I've been to church in Prattville. In the 1960s.

      It's not just the gateway to Wetumpka. It's the hometown of the Wicked Wilson Pickett.

  31. unclejeems

    Johnson should get together with a Korean guy name Dong, form a comedy duo, and go on the road. Johnson and Dong, Dong and Johnson–in your town tonight. See the lesbians line up for tickets.

  32. niblick77

    Off in the future when one goes to New Zealand everyone will look like and be named Bill Johnson, even the women.

  33. Dashboard Buddha

    How does Johnson practice safe sex in NZ? He marks the sheep that kick.

  34. ElPinche

    Forget lesbians , he should worry about being trampled by Peter Jackson's fucking hobbits and green screen death traps.

  35. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Actually, isn't it nice to see a Republican who actually practices this whole "sex is for procreation" thing? Given that so many Republican leaders (Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, just to name two), have failed to uphold their end of the bargain, and are letting the Mexicans and Asians out bread us all, it is nice to know what soon New Zealand will be filled with little redneck lesbos.

  36. barto

    This is so touching. And what a stroke (no pun intended) of luck that his last name is the namesake of his righteous instrument of procreation!

    1. proudgrampa

      Excellent! I was thinking about a gratuitous Rings reference, but you beat me to it!

      Many upfists for you!

      Love,
      proudgrampa

  37. ttommyunger

    Hmmmmm. I'm guess he secretly would just love to nurse them, too, like Peter Griffin tried with Stewie. This guy is not only a fucking asshole, he is a seriously perved one.

  38. ChessieNefercat

    I'm just sitting here stupefied. Is this story real? It seems to have links and such. But I'm afraid to try them because if they are real then this story is real, and I want no part of encouraging this story to think it has any right to exist in this universe/dimension.

  39. Troglodeity

    Because Republicans are all about selfishly pursuing the "needs they have," regardless of the consequences.

  40. NYNYNYjr

    He has to be involved in the kids' lives, cause, duh, two lesbians aren't fit to bring up a child. Needs a father figure. Needs to have someone in the household to defend Regan, Jim Crow, corn pone, torture, American exceptionalism and Vietnam too.
    (Yeah…wait, who are these women who have brought this on themselves?)

  41. Negropolis

    Well, that, and it's not exactly like you get to meet the donor to judge his character, or anything. All of the write-ups on the guys must be something straight out of a personal ad.

Comments are closed.