IT'S FOR A GOOD CAUSE  1:00 pm May 7, 2012

Failed AL Governor Has Ditched Wife To Knock Up Lesbians In New Zealand

by Liz Colville

should've pushed him off

Sad Bill Johnson, Alabama’s former head of economic and community affairs and failed attempted governor of the state, has apparently left his wife and absconded to New Zealand, where he has set off on a task of inserting his johnson into any woman who will have him because he has decided that sanctified life, as authored by his sperm and any egg, is more important than being faithful to his wife and saving the world one lost political seat at a time. In December, nearly two years after he quite nearly became the governor of Alabama (but lost to Richard Bentley), it was revealed that Johnson, a Prattville native, appropriately, has like a zillion babies in New Zealand, where he has been generously donating his sperm to lesbian couples. But at some point he became quite greedy about his generosity, and once there was an earthquake in New Zealand, he was all, “PERFECT, BYE!” and went off to “help” more “lesbian couples.”

Johnson’s actual wife, Kathy, a former Mrs. Alabama (this exists), permitted an interview with The New Zealand Morning Herald, apparently, and announced that her husband is now gone because he is “obsessed” with fathering children. Apparently he wants an active role in these lil babies’ lives, and wants Kathy to live there with him so they can go around visiting babies forever. Via Raw Story, she added:

I will not chase him to the other side of the world so he can be a part-time father to children he created with other women.

It turns out that Mr. Johnson is just making “the best” of a bad situation, namely that his wife is not able to have children, because she had a hysterectomy before they were even married. Martyr (both of them). A Herald reporter found Mr. Johnson and asked him to comment.

Johnson said that his wife was unable to get pregnant and that being a father is “a need that I have.” The newspaper said three New Zealand women were pregnant with Johnson’s children, and at least nine received sperm donations from him.

So, how exactly is this sperm “donated”? Are gay women who want babies the only people who will “receive” Mr. Johnson’s johnson, hence this charitable quest? Or is this all done in the traditional method, into a plastic cup, affording Johnson the opportunity to look at porn and jerk off in a private chamber often and in a way that is not wasteful? The possibilities for how this is justified are…well, there aren’t any. But Johnson’s whole argument was basically, This is what Kathy would have wanted, as if Kathy is dead, or dead inside, because she cannot have children. Wonderful story, wonderful. [Raw Story]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 124 comments }

Chill-A-Sketch May 7, 2012 at 1:05 pm

The man's truly a world class Jerk-off, in every sense of the word.

actor212 May 7, 2012 at 2:09 pm

But wait! Is knocking up lesbos in Kiwiland a position one can actually get paid for?

nounverb911 May 7, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Walking the Appalachian Trail. A republicant tradition since 2009.

sylamore1 May 7, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Wanking the Appalachian Trail …. There, FTFY

rocktonsam May 7, 2012 at 9:56 pm

I HOPE SOMEONE IS KEEPING TRACK OF ALL THESE ASSHOLES TO PUT UP A PLAQUE SOMEWHERE HONORING THEM AND THERE INDIVIDUALITY.

LastGasp May 7, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Everybody needs a hobby. But on a serious note, child support payments are not an issue in New Zealand?

sullivanst May 7, 2012 at 1:32 pm

I would think the rules for sperm donors are usually different. Although the whole being involved in the kids' lives doesn't strike me as a normal thing associated with sperm donation, which I thought was typically more of a fire-and-forget deal.

HistoriCat May 7, 2012 at 2:29 pm

I read an article a while back about kids who wanted to get in touch with the sperm donor/biological father. For some reason, some people think this is a good idea.

I look back on my younger days and am relieved that I never tried to get that sweet sperm donor money as advertised in the university newspaper ad.

Chill-A-Sketch May 7, 2012 at 1:09 pm

"We have to impregnate them over there so we don't have to impregnate them over here"
– Bill Johnson.

Lascauxcaveman May 7, 2012 at 1:09 pm

I've often felt that I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body; but no Mr. Johnson, I don't want to have your babies.

OkieDokieDog May 7, 2012 at 1:09 pm

This makes me weep with joy. Bless this man, his belief in the sanctity of marriage, and his high family values morals.

Wait… those were tears of laughter. So, never mind.

johnnymeatworth May 7, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Didn't they shoot Lord Of The Cock Rings there?

Nesnora May 7, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Yes, because what every child wants is an egotistical, self-obsessed, unreliable maniac in their lives as a part-time dad.

This man gives good balls a bad rap.

bumfug May 7, 2012 at 1:12 pm

"Her womb is so polluted she can't have a little baby."

fartknocker May 7, 2012 at 1:12 pm

He's practicing those Republican family values. At least the fine people in New Zealand support Planned Parenthood.

edgydrifter May 7, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Sewing your seed in a multitude of lesbian wombs is a Biblical mandate. I think it's somewhere in Hustleronomy.

Schmannnity May 7, 2012 at 1:15 pm

A guy named Johnson who donates sperm?

freakishlywrong May 7, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Irony's last gasp.

Mapmonger May 7, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Irony's "Petit Mort," I think rather also.

BaldarTFlagass May 7, 2012 at 1:15 pm

"So, how exactly is this sperm “donated”? Are gay women who want babies the only people who will “receive” Mr. Johnson’s johnson, hence this charitable quest? "

"Just close your eyes and pretend I'm wearing a strap-on."

DaRooster May 7, 2012 at 2:30 pm

or a probe.

freakishlywrong May 7, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Fuck. NZ was on my short list of places to flee when the revolution comes. I'm fleeing to escape rightwing assholery, so this will not do.

BaldarTFlagass May 7, 2012 at 1:16 pm

I guess it's not coincidence that this guy is named "Johnson."

anniegetyerfun May 7, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Yes, being a "father" is a "need that I have" just "not with the woman that I married and promised to love and cherish" which is why we couldn't "adopt children who need homes."

Negropolis May 8, 2012 at 3:16 am

I think what's worse is that he had this desire, and then married a woman who he knew couldn't give him a biological child. This is a sick man with his literal fucking and his mind-fucking, to boot.

Radiotherapy May 7, 2012 at 1:17 pm

i think dumbass thought "New Zealand Socialism" meant something else.

Blueb4sunrise May 7, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Oh sure, fix the typo just as I'm about to point it out.

In December, two years after her quite nearly became the governor of Alabama..

GuanoFaucet May 7, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Johnson said that his wife was unable to get pregnant and that being a father is “a need that I have.”

Yes, becoming a sperm donor to several lesbians halfway around the world is a much more sensible way to fulfill this need of yours to be a father than, oh, adopting a kid or two.

Pragmatist2 May 7, 2012 at 1:34 pm

There you go being all "logical." Did you not notice he is a Republican?

VaWyo May 7, 2012 at 1:20 pm

A real christian would not have married Kathy because she didn't have a uterus. Women are only good for procreation. Duh.

rickmaci May 7, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Just waiting for him to drop that line.

GOPCrusher May 7, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Quite honestly, since this is Alabama, I'm surprised that she isn't in prison for murder.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 7, 2012 at 10:09 pm

Acording to Dick Santorum, it's OK to marry her — it's just not OK for her to have sex, ever.

Weenus299 May 7, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Why New Zealand? is he a new Zealot?

freakishlywrong May 7, 2012 at 1:21 pm

These people are really unhinged.

Fare la Volpe May 7, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Everything about today is gross.

Baconzgood May 7, 2012 at 1:22 pm

I find this easy to masterbate too.

KennyFuckingPowers May 7, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Ya right! Run for Governor of Alabama and become the human turkey baster can now be scratched off his bucket list. Dickweed!
http://compare.ebay.com/like/200643730705?var=lv&…

Baconzgood May 7, 2012 at 1:24 pm

"She said he had told her he had donated sperm to women wanting children at least 50 times over a handful of months."

Sheesh…I can (and do) jerk off more than that.

Stevola May 7, 2012 at 1:50 pm

A handful of months?

Stevola May 7, 2012 at 1:50 pm

A month of handfuls?

Redgyal May 7, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Lady Chatterly's Lover but in reverse, right?

Billmatic May 7, 2012 at 1:25 pm

I can't wait to grow up so that I too can significantly alter the genepool of the population of a pacific island nation one cup of cum at a time.

prommie May 7, 2012 at 1:25 pm

So, his wife's insides are a barren, and rocky place, where his seed can find no purchase? Then he shoulda stole a baby or two from Octomom, or someone else who has too many.

widestanceromance May 7, 2012 at 1:45 pm

She's got more than she can handle.

ManchuCandidate May 7, 2012 at 1:26 pm

One Dude, One Cup.

prommie May 7, 2012 at 1:26 pm

This must have something to do with how the bible says you have to fuck your sister-in-law if anything happens to your brother.

Mumbletypeg May 7, 2012 at 1:27 pm

I love how electable these guys are, until they're found to be utter imbeciles. To have it conversely done would be somehow unAmerican. Seriously. My ire is not for this oddball so much as how his odd-ballity has a *snooze* detector reading every voter's brain, determining it's safe to resume course past their idling judgment-capacitors, and all the way to power status, not even the Mrs. is the wiser for it — LITERally — til shit's hit the fan and gotten it on *everybody.*

freakishlywrong May 7, 2012 at 1:31 pm

He was running for office, for Pete's sake.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 7, 2012 at 10:11 pm

For Peter's sake, you mean.

cbbruuno May 7, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Not to be a jerk but I don't think getting 1.7% of the vote in the GOP primary counts as nearly becoming Governor of Alabama.

Baconzgood May 7, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Tee-Hee

"Johnson"

MissTaken May 7, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Turkey basters need love too.

MosesInvests May 7, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Turkey basters are people too, my friend.

SayItWithWookies May 7, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Sometimes a man just has to follow his dream — even if that dream is to be the founder of the most butch volleyball team of half-sisters in the entire south Pacific. Which, now that I put it that way, doesn't sound like such a crazy aspiration after all.

sullivanst May 7, 2012 at 1:31 pm

I think I can round out Johnson's reasoning at the end there:

This is what Kathy would have wanted… because it's what I want dammit!

BornInATrailer May 7, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Straight up squeezin' his kiwis into some Kiwis.

Pragmatist2 May 7, 2012 at 1:32 pm

I looked on Monster.com and there was not a single listing for "Lesbian Impregnator."
I will check again tomorrow.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 7, 2012 at 10:13 pm

Have you tried Craigslist.org?

rickmaci May 7, 2012 at 1:32 pm

I'm sure he now has his new mission firmly in hand. After all, I'm told this kind of work can be quite hard on a guy. When he is done they will most likely erect a Johnson monument in New Zeal-land.

sewollef May 11, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Nice.

I'm still waiting for the climax to this story though.

SorosBot May 7, 2012 at 1:32 pm

He needs to father children. That's kind of a bizarre and fucked up fetish.

MissTaken May 7, 2012 at 1:41 pm

He's starting his own Idiocracy one jerk off at a time.

Dashboard Buddha May 7, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Rule 34

GOPCrusher May 7, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Enough to make a person rethink the whole "poop" thing.

meatlofer May 7, 2012 at 1:33 pm

He should've joined the Secret Service, then he could've sprayed his sperm worldwide.

Jukesgrrl May 7, 2012 at 7:58 pm

Extra p for incorporating two nonsensical issues into one sentence.

SheriffRoscoe May 7, 2012 at 1:37 pm

God has closed a door in Alabama. But He has opened a lot of windows in New Zealand.

Dashboard Buddha May 7, 2012 at 2:05 pm

So many choices…pity he won't jump from any though.

weejee May 7, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Johnson will have his johnson tied in a knot when he finds how socialist New Zealand is.

FlownOver May 7, 2012 at 1:41 pm

There's a Philip Roth joke in this somewhere.

Lascauxcaveman May 7, 2012 at 2:57 pm

"Quit your complaining, Portnoy. This is fun!"

proudgrampa May 7, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Portnoy wouldn't complain.

Jukesgrrl May 7, 2012 at 8:01 pm

For Philip Roth, it would be a 700-page novel, not a joke. And a movie to follow, with narration by Claire Bloom.

Equality_Joe May 7, 2012 at 1:42 pm

But no, seriously, most places actually have rules about sperm donation frequency, because if you spread your seed too widely in too small a community, and too anonymously, you end up creating a non-trivial risk of promoting unwitting incest, as half-siblings who don't know they're half-siblings end up together.

My guess is, Mr. Johnson from Alabama hasn't actually considered this issue, for some reason.

joobajooba May 7, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Maybe they don't have laws against that in Alabama. I'm sure seed has been widely spread there for centuries.

Jukesgrrl May 7, 2012 at 8:02 pm

Yes, I definitely remember the amount of Mick Jagger seed sown in London debated by the House of Commons at one time.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 7, 2012 at 10:15 pm

My guess is, this was already a problem for Mr. Johnson before he left Alabammy.

Negropolis May 8, 2012 at 3:19 am

Sounds to me as if New Zealand's the one that hasn't considered this, or else his ass would have been on a no-fly zone, there.

BruceMajorsky May 11, 2012 at 7:19 am

Yes they are supposed to monitor and limit it. But they still allow you to have more than one or two. And you can also donate to multiple facilities. And there is some non-clinic donation going on too. I have a 14 year old from donating to a friend of a friend.

MissTaken May 7, 2012 at 1:42 pm

I'm sure the lesbian couples that used Johnson's sperm to start their families are absolutely thrilled that he is showing up and wanting to play daddy. Just thrilled.

Lascauxcaveman May 7, 2012 at 2:58 pm

They'd have so much to talk about!

widestanceromance May 7, 2012 at 1:48 pm

I hope all his women fake their orgasms, pregnancies and abortions.

owhatever May 7, 2012 at 1:57 pm

And when a lesbian isn't available, there are millions of sheep in New Zealand.

Jukesgrrl May 7, 2012 at 8:03 pm

FTW.

Smitros May 7, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Little Willie, Willie won't, go home . . .

Dashboard Buddha May 7, 2012 at 2:07 pm

I wonder how the Lesbians of New Zealand feel about this? Is there a shiver of fear running through the community…"oh my god…did we get pregnant with the seed of a moron??"

Chet Kincaid May 7, 2012 at 2:12 pm

This sounds like the plot of last week's "Law & Order: SVU" — in the first act, before further plot twists that sent the story back and forth over the shark. That show has become just as laughable as "CSI: Miami."

GOPCrusher May 7, 2012 at 2:15 pm

But, it does have Mariska Hargitay's boobs on it.

sewollef May 11, 2012 at 1:14 pm

The stupid amber lighting in CSI: Miami messes with my head.

Yes, and the acting's crap too.

johnnyzhivago May 7, 2012 at 2:19 pm

The cruel joke on Johnson is that in New Zealand, imported sperm is mostly used to lubricate sewing machines.

johnnyzhivago May 7, 2012 at 2:21 pm

I've been looking into a new profession, and frankly, Sperm Philanthropist is looking like something that could keep me busy.

fuflans May 7, 2012 at 2:22 pm

picture needs more demon sheep.

johnnyzhivago May 7, 2012 at 2:23 pm

You have to be careful though – in some states if a batch of your "donation" ends up spoiling because you forgot to put it in the freezer, you could be facing mass murder charges.

James Michael Curley May 7, 2012 at 2:27 pm

Then he threw a telephone at the desk clerk.

Fairtackle May 7, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Guy named Johnson from Prattville. This guy never had a chance.

Spurning Beer May 7, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Man, I've been to Prattville. I've been to church in Prattville. In the 1960s.

It's not just the gateway to Wetumpka. It's the hometown of the Wicked Wilson Pickett.

Jukesgrrl May 7, 2012 at 8:07 pm

Yeeooooow! Sally, I think you better slow your mustang down.

Spurning Beer May 8, 2012 at 12:58 pm

My wife refuses to consider putting up a street sign labeling our dirt road "Mustangs Alley."

Jukesgrrl May 9, 2012 at 1:53 am

Kill-joy.

unclejeems May 7, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Johnson should get together with a Korean guy name Dong, form a comedy duo, and go on the road. Johnson and Dong, Dong and Johnson–in your town tonight. See the lesbians line up for tickets.

niblick77 May 7, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Off in the future when one goes to New Zealand everyone will look like and be named Bill Johnson, even the women.

Dashboard Buddha May 7, 2012 at 2:41 pm

How does Johnson practice safe sex in NZ? He marks the sheep that kick.

gurukalehuru May 7, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Hiking the Appalesbian Trail.

proudgrampa May 7, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Zing!

Well done, Gu!

ElPinche May 7, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Forget lesbians , he should worry about being trampled by Peter Jackson's fucking hobbits and green screen death traps.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 7, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Actually, isn't it nice to see a Republican who actually practices this whole "sex is for procreation" thing? Given that so many Republican leaders (Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, just to name two), have failed to uphold their end of the bargain, and are letting the Mexicans and Asians out bread us all, it is nice to know what soon New Zealand will be filled with little redneck lesbos.

barto May 7, 2012 at 2:48 pm

This is so touching. And what a stroke (no pun intended) of luck that his last name is the namesake of his righteous instrument of procreation!

BornInATrailer May 7, 2012 at 2:58 pm

One Donor To Rule Them All…

proudgrampa May 7, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Excellent! I was thinking about a gratuitous Rings reference, but you beat me to it!

Many upfists for you!

Love,
proudgrampa

BornInATrailer May 7, 2012 at 3:42 pm

I was inspired by ElPinche.

ttommyunger May 7, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Hmmmmm. I'm guess he secretly would just love to nurse them, too, like Peter Griffin tried with Stewie. This guy is not only a fucking asshole, he is a seriously perved one.

ChessieNefercat May 7, 2012 at 3:50 pm

I'm just sitting here stupefied. Is this story real? It seems to have links and such. But I'm afraid to try them because if they are real then this story is real, and I want no part of encouraging this story to think it has any right to exist in this universe/dimension.

Troglodeity May 7, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Because Republicans are all about selfishly pursuing the "needs they have," regardless of the consequences.

larrykat May 7, 2012 at 4:16 pm

The silver lining? Looks like Kathy is available!

sewollef May 11, 2012 at 1:19 pm

…. and not impregnatable either. Plus plus.

NYNYNYjr May 7, 2012 at 7:14 pm

He has to be involved in the kids' lives, cause, duh, two lesbians aren't fit to bring up a child. Needs a father figure. Needs to have someone in the household to defend Regan, Jim Crow, corn pone, torture, American exceptionalism and Vietnam too.
(Yeah…wait, who are these women who have brought this on themselves?)

DesertTed May 7, 2012 at 10:49 pm

Is there a shortage of Kiwi weewee?

BZ1 May 8, 2012 at 12:01 am

and this is a story, how?

Negropolis May 8, 2012 at 3:12 am

This is almost beyond snark, but I'll try and find it.

BruceMajorsky May 11, 2012 at 7:17 am

8 out of 10 politicians agree – lesbians are the irresistible fruit.

Maman May 7, 2012 at 1:16 pm

In all fairness, this asshat is from the other side of the world which seems more exotic.

Pragmatist2 May 7, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Can't. I'll be too busy impregnating lesbians.

Negropolis May 8, 2012 at 3:14 am

Well, that, and it's not exactly like you get to meet the donor to judge his character, or anything. All of the write-ups on the guys must be something straight out of a personal ad.

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