this is how serious people do it

GOP Will Help Obama Get Rid Of ‘Food Stamp President’ Label By Getting Rid Of Food Stamps, Helpfully

DreamyIsn’t it amazing when all Americans can come together as one to ax food stamps, child tax credits, and Medicaid? YES WE CAN’T! There is something nipping at our brainal lobes from the lost fogs of … last year maybe? So long ago. Who can remember! But it was something about one of those “bipartisan” things President Afrika Bambaataa is always trying to do, like, “okay, a Democrat is president so you are all big deficit hawks now, and naturally we will accept your framing of that and be deficit hawks too, so let us all cut all the muneez from things we care about and if we can’t agree we will have some Doomsday Button kick in automatically, so time to put on your compromising shoes!” The GOP, of course, compromised the way it always does: by lining up behind their charismatic leader, Paul Ryan, and marching on Poland.

Republicans in the House of Representatives on Monday will fire their first shots of the next deficit-reduction battle, advancing legislation to cut nearly $380 billion largely from social programs while protecting defense spending.

The cuts to food stamps, child tax credits and Medicaid healthcare for the poor, among others, are certain to stall in the Democratic-controlled U.S. Senate. But they stake out Republicans’ negotiating stance on replacing $1.2 trillion in automatic, across-the-board spending cuts that are due to take effect in January. […]

Already, House Democrats are pouncing on the effort as hurting the poor, claiming that $35.8 billion in food stamp reductions over 10 years will cut off 1.8 million people from the nutrition assistance program.

Haha, fuck you “food stamps”! 99 percent of people own refrigerators, so shut up with your “hunger”!

Here, would you care for some context?

The automatic spending cuts, of which $600 billion would come from defense through 2022 – were part of last summer’s eleventh-hour deal to avert an historic debt default and raise the federal borrowing cap. Congress agreed to $900 billion in immediate cuts, but a bipartisan “supercommittee” failed in its task to find $1.5 trillion in additional cuts over a decade.


Under the Republican plan, defense spending would actually be $8 billion higher than levels agreed last August, rising to $554 billion in 2013.

Of course you wouldn’t care for some context, you are an American, gah! Shut up, Reuters, Kourtney Kardashian is talking about how she got back in shape after the babby. [Reuters]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


    1. a_pink_poodle

      I'm Paul Ryan, and I want to ask you a question… is a man not entitled to the sweat of his brow?

    2. RavenRant

      If we could get the glibertarians to go Galt already and persuade the fundies to get Raptured ASAP, 99% of America's aggravating asshole problem would be eliminated.

    1. Naked_Bunny

      We need it to stop the bad guys overseas from using the guns we sold them against us*.


  1. BaldarTFlagass

    No food stamps? How will the junior enlisted military members feed their families?

  2. Allmighty_Manos

    I'm fed up with Head Start and school lunches myself. If you can't afford pre-school and a carton of milk then go get a fucking job first, kiddo.

  3. BaldarTFlagass

    The amazing thing is the republicans are so avid to send money to an organization that so many of them assiduously avoided serving in.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      I like to think of it as their version of reparations. "Sorry about shirking my patriotic duty and getting out of service using Daddy's connections! Here, have another jet fighter!"

  4. SorosBot

    "Already, House Democrats are pouncing on the effort as hurting the poor, claiming"

    There's no "claiming" here, Reuters; these spending cuts would hurt the poor. Really, that's a fact, not a claim. But of course with our media facts don't matter, it's always "Republicans say this, Democrats say this" even when what Republicans are saying is 100% wrong.

    1. fuflans

      mr fuflans just wrote me:

      'Ahhh, facts.

      Of course, the Republicans have something better: their Mainstream Media Ideological Asymmetry Shield & Mythos Armor, better known by its acronym: MMIASMA.

  5. freakishlywrong

    No snark. They figured out how to steal elections in 2010. They fear no blowback for all the awful shit they're proposing and their equally awful nominee. That's the only way I can reconcile the fucking heartless and frankly reckless so-called "governing" that is coming from these assholes.

    1. GOPCrusher

      The easiest way to end this shit is to get people off their Cheetos encrusted couches and into the polling place to vote.

  6. weejee

    Paul Ryan… marching on Poland.

    Do the Cheezeheaders know this? Back in the day, nine hundred and eighty percent of the folks in Wisconsin who weren't German were Polish, even the blahs. Just sayin'

  7. Crank_Tango

    Meh, there is no way that Big Food Stamp and the Government Cheese Industrial Complex will let this happen.

    Anyway, helping poor people isn't in the Bible, so who gives a shit?

    1. chicken_thief

      Seriously. Everyone knows that if we cut food stamps they only ones hurt will be drug dealers and used Cadillac salesmen. But if we don't cut (abolish!!!) taxes on the jerb creators we're going to be just. like. Greece. by noon tomorrow. Or sometime soon.


  8. MissTaken

    But if you cut the food stamps how will the Wal-Mart employees buy their cedar cheese?

      1. GOPCrusher

        And when the cedars are gone, they'll have to get by with elm or maple cheese.

  9. mavenmaven

    And when the starving poor begin to protest, the rich will need protection- by the military! Which will then need further money to pay for this deployment!

  10. Failed_2_Menace

    I don't know why they have thus far not managed to figure out this obvious course of action, but if the poor really want things to change, they need to learn to vote with their wallets.

    1. actor212

      Absolutely! If they want "food," let them pay for television advertising that supports a political candidate who will find "funding" for these "programs"

  11. bflrtsplk

    Let the military hold a bake sale: machine gun shaped cheesecake; scones that look like hand grenades, chocolate fudge booby traps.

    1. James Michael Curley

      Leave a real Brit scone out on the counter over night and it tastes and has the consistency of a hand grenade.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      Contestants can sell product placement ads to help feed their home district!

  12. el_donaldo

    You know who else starved the poor while pouring more and more money into bloated, unneeded defense programs?

    No, not him. Leonid Brezhnev. That guy.

    1. Radiotherapy

      Actually, "That guy" was very concerned about feeding the poor — well, Aryan poor at least.

    2. Generation[redacted]

      That guy on "Doomsday Preppers" who spent his kids' college funds on the custom underground shelter?

      1. GunToting[Redacted]

        I had to stop watching that show. On one hand, it seems wrong to validate a person's deep seated mental illness, but on the other, I'm sure the video will prove useful as an exhibit in future court proceedings.

      2. HistoriCat

        You're not making that up – it's a real television show.

        I'm going to go drink my lunch now. Maybe things will seem more sane after a few gallons of alcohol.

  13. Callyson

    But if poor people need food so much, why don't they just become doctors? They can be paid in chickens!

  14. BornInATrailer

    As the saying goes, hunger is the best sauce.

    Apparently the GOP believes it is also the best aperitif, hors d'œuvre, soup, fish dish, entree, salad, cheese course, and dessert.

    Bon appetit, Poors!

  15. LastGasp

    Isn’t it amazing when all Americans can come together as one to ax food stamps…

    Yes, if we could actually "ax" food stamps a question, what would it be?

    1. Rotundo_

      I would imagine that any protein, cooked low and slow over fruit or hickory or maple hardwood smoke would probably work. The olds would probably be too stringy and strong tasting for BBQ but might make passable sausage with enough sage and red pepper to mask it. You would think it would occur to them that if they make things too unpleasant for those of us at the bottom rungs of the ladder that nasty business may result, but I suppose like the French, they just have to learn the hard way at some point.

  16. Come here a minute

    If everyone owns refrigerators, how can they possibly need food stamps? Just have your staff keep your refrigerators well-stocked, dummies!

  17. Oblios_Cap

    Jesus, the GOP has really doubled down with the whole "We're a group of the biggest assholes in the country" thing.

    They've stopped pretending that they really give a shit about anybody that doesn't send them cash.

    1. freakishlywrong

      Aaaaaannd, we have a winner! I think that's the idea, Gyrus, that way, Mitt's sons don't have to go.

  18. MissTaken

    I see what the GOP is doing here:

    If you get rid of food stamps, the poor won't get food, and then won't need those fancy refrigerators that keep the food cold. Sell the fridge and use the money to buy yourself some food that need refrigeration that you no longer have. Um, yay?

    1. LastGasp

      And, if the poors don't have food, they'll be too hungry to even think about voting. But they would probably just vote for the wrong candidate anyway, so it's a win for the GOP.

    2. freakishlywrong

      And next time you get a fancy refrigerator, hang on to that box, it'll be your new home in no time!

    3. SorosBot

      Not only do the poor have refrigerators, they have stoves to cook the food on too! So clearly they're not really poor.

      1. Oblios_Cap

        Hold on- So you're suggesting that only the 1% should be allowed to purchase shitty appliances? That's a roadmap to prosperity!

        1. James Michael Curley

          When last shopping for a whole new set of appliances (moved into a house from an apartment) I rated each appliance on a scale of 0 to 8. A 7 meant the thing cost more than 7 of all of the cars I had bought in my life time.

  19. Goonemeritus

    Most of these programs are meant to help the working poor by closing the gap between what they are paid and what it takes to live. As such they are actually subsidies to the worst paying industries (looking at you Wal-Mart). I would also put money on the fact that the GOP’s southern bases are big recipients of these programs.

    1. MissTaken

      Sadly, that same GOP base that works for barely minimum wage as Wal-Mart greeters and are shown how to apply for food stamps when they are hired are also the same people who say "don't tax the rich because someday I'm gonna fall on my ass at Wal-Mart and when I sue I'll be a rich and don't wanna pay them there taxes".

      1. James Michael Curley

        Then remind them that judgment and settlements in such law suits are not taxable in any jurisdiction in the US of A.

  20. FakaktaSouth

    Well of course the perfect time to cut food stamps and jack up defense is when we have the highest percentage of the population ever desperately NEEDING food stamps, and the military is saying, really dude, we're pretty good over here, you could probably have some of this money back. Everyone in the world is stupid except Paul Ryan.

  21. BerkeleyBear

    Yeah, but if they cut defense to what the DoD actually requested the "job creators" (ie government teat sucking contractors) might lay people off in Alabama and South Carolina from some of the very few non-Walmart jobs in the region (I'd say only, but I recall that Sessions and co. also have gotten Euro auto makers to set up non-union, cut-rate wage plants there – which is a big reason why the GOP opposed the auto bailout). And then these assholes might face a reckoning for the last 30 years of fucked up trickle down profits first offshoring right to work privatization welfare reform as tool to bitchslap the poor crap. But probably not, as long as they could convince the casino owners to keep offering complimentary all you can eat cheez whiz at the video slots.

  22. James Michael Curley

    Keeping people from starving is Republican for "discretionary spending". In the real world, discretionary spending is deciding whether to upgrade the DVD/GPS/BOISE audio system in your BMW or choosing between an 8 year old single malt and a 12 year old.

    According to the Republican Economics Program one of the highest line items in their "discretionary spending" is "Entitlements." Social Security for people who have paid into it for 45 years and medical and pension compensation for veterans who have been poisoned by several US chemical companies are Republican "Entitlements."

    1. Generation[redacted]

      Well, duh. If you've paid into social security and unemployment insurance your whole career, you're certainly entitled to it. Therefore, "Entitlements"

      1. James Michael Curley

        I should have stressed that they have been linking together as "Entitlements" every state and government compensation program regardless of nuance like being paid into by the recipient. Entitlement recipient had become the 2010+ Republican buzz word for 'welfare queen'.

    2. RavenRant

      Please challenge everyone who uses the term 'entitlements' for Social Security and Medicare.

      How is something people fund with every paycheck they earn called an 'entitlement' while passively inheriting a multimillion or billion dollar estate tax free is lauded as 'achievement'?

  23. cheetojeebus

    So, in choosing a baseball bat I'm leaning toward wood. Traditional i know. I'd considered a hay rake and one of those sticks dipped in tar and lit on fire ranked pretty high too.

    1. actor212

      Yea, I'd go with wood, too. Aluminum bends and then you can't do much of anything with it, but if the wooden bat breaks, you have sharps splinters to thrust with.

      Plus, there's no noise quite as distinctive as a skull horsehide against hickory or ash…

    2. James Michael Curley

      Stick with the wood. The bonk sound created when an aluminum bat strikes a rounded, skin covered, hollow cored object is too familiar and could be recognized by the Republican Controlled Police Drones.

    3. RavenRant

      I asked a friend if, come the revolution, she wanted to carry a pitchfork or a torch. She replied, "I've got two hands."

  24. Doktor StrangeZoom

    Would it help if the Heritage Foundation did a report pointing out that many of these weapons systems have luxury items like air conditioning, call phones, color TVs, and GPS navigation systems?

    1. James Michael Curley

      Over twenty years after a friend died from respiratory distress caused by a Southeast Asian (Vietnam) variant of parrot fever, the VA finally recognized it as a service connected injury. He contracted it from working and living 24/7 in a high tech, air conditioned communications trailer in the diplomatic compound in Saigon. In true VA fashion, it was recognized after almost all who suffered from it died.

      We need to go back to open top jeeps and Remington Rolling Blocks for the safety of our troops.

  25. owhatever

    I signed the papers to give parental permission for my hungry son join the army and get three squares a day. They will educate and clothe him, too. What a great deal. Altho eight years old, he looks ten.

  26. Naked_Bunny

    Yeah, but what's 1.8 million people unable to buy food versus a fancy airplane that never flies? Huh? Commie.

  27. ttommyunger

    Thank God SOMEBODY is thinking about the poor underfunded Military-Industrial Complex.

  28. Generation[redacted]

    The GOP, of course, compromised the way it always does: by lining up behind their charismatic leader, Paul Ryan, and marching on Poland.

    You know who else lined up behind their charismatic leader and marched on Pol– HEY WAIT JUST A COTTON-PICKIN' MINUTE THERE!

  29. prommie

    I hope Zombie Bob LaFollete rises from the grave and eats this smug fucker's face.

  30. Generation[redacted]

    All this will be moot when President Romney brings unemployment down to 4%

    1. GOPCrusher

      And Secretary Of Energy Gingrich brings back the days of $.40 a gallon gas.

    2. RavenRant

      "… brings unemployment down to 4%…" in some nameless third world hellhole.

      American workers aren't ready to 'compete' with slave labor. Yet.

  31. SheriffJoeBiden

    PAUL RYAN: "I know! We'll just call backsies on the debt ceiling agreement we ourselves forced on the country last year. Then we'll actually INCREASE funding for the military, which is an idea almost nobody supports, not even the military itself, those liars. But is there a way to hurt poor people? … of COURSE! Cut food stamps and Medicaid! It's brilliant! The Republicans shall rule for a thousand years!"

    I really wish I could, just for a moment, step into the alternative reality where this strategy makes any kind of sense–economically, politically, really ANY kind of sense whatsoever. This finally looks like the GOP's inevitable massive out-of-touch, over-reaching, solipsistic blunder that costs them big time. Let's hope.

    1. HistoriCat

      Apparently you need job at one of the major news organizations in this country. They must have some special training or vision because they eat that shit up like it's the bestest thing ever.

  32. chicken_thief

    We don't have to worry about the poorz. There is a safety net to help th… wait… what?

  33. Native_of_SL_UT

    Ever notice how the GOP thinks it's an incentive to make people work harder by cutting government benefits for poor people but cutting benefits to rich people will kill that incentive?

  34. valthemus

    Republicans made a deal, and now they want to scummy their way out of it at the expense of part-time and low wage workers. Isn't this the sort of thing that's supposed to have us reaching for pitchforks and torches?

  35. Beowoof

    Going to be a whole bunch of republican farmers who vote republicans with no one to sell their corn to.

  36. DahBoner

    Since most people on foodstamps are White, will there be a White Trash exemption?

  37. the_problem_child

    Actually, way less than 99% of Americans own refrigerators. Their landlords or the bank actually own them.

  38. Veritas78

    Okay, when I stuck the Paul Ryan doll with the hunger pin I missed, and it landed on testicular cancer. Oops. I'm sorry. I'm sure he'll be fine.

Comments are closed.