ON YOUR KNEES BOY  10:06 am May 7, 2012

‘Ex-Gay’ Group Cancels Party Because Nobody Wants To Come

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Meet me at the rest stop on I-9There is a party in the pants of “Exodus International,” and nobody wants to come! And that is why the group has canceled its upcoming “Love Won Out” convention, in which ex-gay ladies show off their human male husbands, and ex-gay men show off Michele Bachmann. Why can’t the gays just keep with the program? Let us ask the president of Exodus International, Alan Chambers!

“The majority of people that I have met, and I would say the majority meaning 99.9 percent of them, have not experienced a change in their orientation or have gotten to a place where they could say that they could never be tempted or are not tempted in some way or experience some level of same-sex attraction,” Chambers said at a conference sponsored by the Gay Christian Network in Orlando.

99.9 percent! That is so many percent!

For example, Gary Cooper (no relation to the actor) and Michael Bussee, who were heavily involved in the group’s early years, fell in love with each other and subsequently left. John Evans, a co-founder of Love In Action (the first incarnation of Exodus), left when his best friend tragically killed himself because conversion therapy didn’t work. John Paulk, the founder of Love Won Out (formerly affiliated with Focus on the Family until Exodus acquired the ministry in 2009), became the poster boy for the ex-gay movement, until he was spotted in a gay bar in Washington, D.C., in 2000, two years after he published a book in which he discussed his “successful” journey out of homosexuality.

Well, that does sound very bad, almost as if you can’t cure gay, or pray it away, or beat the nelly out of your kids or whatever. This news is hot on the heels of the state of California trying to regulate ex-gay conversion therapy by banning you from getting it for your underage kid when just cold punching him doesn’t work. Sad face, religious freedom, etc! Why do the state of California and Exodus International make the baby Jesus cry? [SPLC]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 137 comments }

Boojum May 7, 2012 at 10:09 am

I thought wanting to come was the point!

a_pink_poodle May 7, 2012 at 12:06 pm

We're not here? We're not queer?

Beowoof May 8, 2012 at 5:58 pm

But giving an occasional bj is just a way to pass the time.

NorthStarSpanx May 7, 2012 at 10:09 am

Why not just rename it CPAC 2012.2?

RedneckMuslin May 7, 2012 at 10:11 am

What does Joe Biden think?

Steverino247 May 7, 2012 at 11:20 am

This is a big fucking deal, as usual.

starfanglednut May 7, 2012 at 3:02 pm

He's absolutely comfortable with it.

DemmeFatale May 7, 2012 at 10:12 am

That face is just begging for a good throat punching, (among other things).

widestanceromance May 7, 2012 at 10:57 am

LIke a testosterone injection? I got plenty to spare, since I just filled my tank.

Douché May 7, 2012 at 10:13 am

I actually came reading this.

chicken_thief May 7, 2012 at 11:48 am

So did Rick Santorum. But he still read it three more times….

SorosBot May 7, 2012 at 10:13 am

Man that Jesus has really been failing his followers lately.

RedneckMuslin May 7, 2012 at 10:13 am

Maybe no one came because there is no such thing as an ex-gay.

CZL May 7, 2012 at 10:27 am

Sir Ian McKellan?

Oh no wait, he is a gay X-man. Sorry. Got confused for a minute.

actor212 May 7, 2012 at 10:34 am

NORTHSTAR LIBEL!!!

Baconzgood May 7, 2012 at 10:42 am

Marvel sucks!

D.C. Representin!

SorosBot May 7, 2012 at 10:45 am

DC blows, Marvel rules!

Chet Kincaid May 7, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Any company that generates this much insufferable hilarity MAJORS in suckage:
http://superdickery.com/index.php?Itemid=45&i

Puffperney May 7, 2012 at 10:44 am

Actually, age can make you an ex-anything; trust me on this.

RedneckMuslin May 7, 2012 at 12:00 pm

I hear ya, brother. I hear ya.

yrbmegr May 7, 2012 at 2:29 pm

I'm an ex-Republican.

starfanglednut May 7, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Good for you! Seriously.

NorthStarSpanx May 7, 2012 at 10:14 am

So even on this issue, "Respecting a Choice" is still not popular with conservatives.

sullivanst May 7, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Only the choice to be a stay-at-homes mom is worthy of respect. Duh!

actor212 May 7, 2012 at 10:14 am

‘Ex-Gay’ Group Cancels Party Because Nobody Wants To Come

See what you did, I do.

Baconzgood May 7, 2012 at 10:15 am

I'd fuck that dude. And I'm straight.

anniegetyerfun May 7, 2012 at 10:38 am

I find that amazingly easy to masturbate to.

chicken_thief May 7, 2012 at 11:50 am

Pics or GTFO!!!

Boojum May 7, 2012 at 1:17 pm

I'm a little bit curved.

Chet Kincaid May 7, 2012 at 2:31 pm

You'd fuck a package of bacon.

James Michael Curley May 7, 2012 at 10:15 am

Nothing like looking, dressing and grooming like David Nelson to harsh any potential gay attraction.

proudgrampa May 7, 2012 at 11:03 am

I was thinking more Tony Dow.

"Ward, I think there's something wrong with the Beaver."

actor212 May 7, 2012 at 10:15 am

For example, Gary Cooper (no relation to the actor) and Michael Bussee, who were heavily involved in the group’s early years, fell in love with each other and subsequently left.

…had a baby and named him an amalgam of their names: Gary Busey

weejee May 7, 2012 at 10:16 am

make the baby Jesus cry?

But, but, the baby Jeebus has/had two daddies.

memzilla May 7, 2012 at 10:16 am

If only "conversion therapy" would work on Rethuglicans…

weejee May 7, 2012 at 10:23 am

An ocean of strawmen singing ♪♫ If I only had a brain ♫♪ donning glitter disco suits, switching to ♪♫ Y M C A ♫♪ and getting the lyics for realz.

Baconzgood May 7, 2012 at 10:17 am

An exodus at Exodus?

actor212 May 7, 2012 at 10:17 am

California trying to regulate ex-gay conversion therapy by banning you from getting it for your underage kid when just cold punching him doesn’t work.

Editrix, I realize you probably have more journalism credentials than I do, which means you've massaged more phrases¹ than I have had hot meals, but I think the term is "cold-cocking"

¹ Make of that what you will, commentariat…

Dashboard Buddha May 7, 2012 at 10:24 am

cold punching can work. Cold as in heartless, merciless, etc. If it was stone cold punching that could mean heartless, merciless AND showing complete disregard of the punchees humanity. Like Stone Cold Steve Austin.

actor212 May 7, 2012 at 10:32 am

That's only if it's followed by "Gimme a Hell Yea!' "

Biel_ze_Bubba May 7, 2012 at 10:36 am

Cold punching works well on sheet metal. On people, not so much. (That's why they invented piercing.)

GhostBuggy May 7, 2012 at 10:39 am

And, as we all know, there is absolutely nothing gay about professional wrasslin'.

chicken_thief May 7, 2012 at 11:52 am

NECROPHILIA LIBELZ!!!

Chet Kincaid May 7, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Putting the word "cold" or "stone" in front of a verb in order to emphasis how "gangsta" the act may be is a pretty common trope.

starfanglednut May 7, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Oh, that old canard.

MaxNeanderthal May 7, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Quack.

bagofmice May 7, 2012 at 8:30 pm

User-of-Ducks?

Biel_ze_Bubba May 8, 2012 at 7:57 pm

Imma gonna stone drink a cold one, yo!
No?

Doktor StrangeZoom May 7, 2012 at 10:17 am

Maybe they could start an organization for ex-ex-gays?

Radiotherapy May 7, 2012 at 10:35 am

That would be just fabulous!

Boojum May 7, 2012 at 1:19 pm

And much bigger turn out.

milehighjoe May 7, 2012 at 7:27 pm

We Catholics call that organization "the clergy."

CivicHoliday May 8, 2012 at 10:25 am

win!

chascates May 7, 2012 at 10:17 am

Just wait till the convention in Tampa.

Beowoof May 8, 2012 at 6:01 pm

Gay prostitutes have been lining up hotel rooms and Craig's List ads for month now.

Goonemeritus May 7, 2012 at 10:18 am

“John Paulk, the founder of Love Won Out (formerly affiliated with Focus on the Family until Exodus acquired the ministry in 2009), became the poster boy for the ex-gay movement, until he was spotted in a gay bar in Washington, D.C., in 2000, two years after he published a book in which he discussed his “successful” journey out of homosexuality.”

I too have made a courageous journey. In my case it was leaving New Jersey, sadly however I have found myself back in Hoboken from time to time.__

Dashboard Buddha May 7, 2012 at 10:19 am

You can take the boy out of Hoboken, but you can't take the Hoboken out of the boy.

Respitetini May 7, 2012 at 10:47 am

In all fairness, Hoboken might as well be West Brooklyn. So you'll probably pass…

EatsBabyDingos May 7, 2012 at 10:18 am

Today we are all gay, except those of us thinking about Newt in a Speedo.

Dashboard Buddha May 7, 2012 at 10:19 am

Thanks…now I'm considering joining a monastery

Doktor StrangeZoom May 7, 2012 at 10:21 am

And now we are all bulemic.

GhostBuggy May 7, 2012 at 10:39 am

Why would you do this thing?

Biel_ze_Bubba May 8, 2012 at 7:59 pm

1. Photoshop that image.
2. Make into refrigerator magnets.
3. Sell as a weight loss aid.
4. Profit!!

Baconzgood May 7, 2012 at 10:44 am

For Christ Sakes man! I'm eating a raisin bagel here!

Terry May 7, 2012 at 10:45 am

Women thinking of Newt in a Speedo suddenly have the overwhelming desire to buy sensible shoes and a nice set of Craftsman tools.

freakishlywrong May 7, 2012 at 10:20 am

How many times has Marcus Bachmann tried this shit? (It hasn't worked).

prommie May 7, 2012 at 10:23 am

When are these idiots realize that they're going about everything backwards?

If they want to put a stop to gay sex, they should be in favor of gay marriage.

actor212 May 7, 2012 at 10:32 am

I know it killed sex in my marriage.

prommie May 7, 2012 at 10:47 am

Marriage doesn't always kill sex, but if not, it will at least stomp the shit out of it and leave it demoralized, weak and half-dead.

DahBoner May 7, 2012 at 12:01 pm

//rimshot

ManchuCandidate May 7, 2012 at 10:23 am

Who's their leader? Tobias Funke?

Terry May 7, 2012 at 10:46 am

Larry Craig

Come here a minute May 7, 2012 at 10:26 am

The ex-ex-gay convention would be way more fabulous!

Schmannnity May 7, 2012 at 10:26 am

The only Exodus that works:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0B3TzqTTaY&fe

DaRooster May 7, 2012 at 10:28 am

What?
No 99.99999%?

Come on sheeple.

DaRooster May 7, 2012 at 10:32 am

Needs more corn dogs.

Rosie_Scenario May 7, 2012 at 10:33 am

99.9 % means nothing. Math, and other facts, have a well known liberal bias and cannot be trusted.

Barb May 7, 2012 at 10:34 am

He's not an "ex-gay" It just makes him a greedy bisexual. Pick a hole and commit!

DaRooster May 7, 2012 at 10:40 am

Just imagine how tough it would be to be bisexual… to wake up in the morning and want to fuck everyone!

Barb May 7, 2012 at 10:47 am

Morning DaRooster! Hey, you look kinda different to me this morning. I never noticed how sexy……..

starfanglednut May 7, 2012 at 3:05 pm

It's quite awesome, actually.

HistoriCat May 7, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Now Barb – look at that guy! Bisexuality may double your chances of getting a date Saturday night but it you're starting with a chance near 0, you haven't really changed the odds much have you?

starfanglednut May 7, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Have you been reading my journal?

HistoriCat May 7, 2012 at 3:33 pm

If you didn't want people reading it, you would write it in code.

redarmyzombie May 9, 2012 at 2:09 am

Similarly, if you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it*!

*don't ask me what bearing this has on the current conversation…

mavenmaven May 7, 2012 at 10:36 am

A bunch of old Republican elected officials appeared, hoping it would beard their looking for a little bathroom action.

BigSkullF*ckingDog May 7, 2012 at 10:38 am

Obviously they're just not praying hard enough.

Boojum May 7, 2012 at 1:22 pm

I think kneeling IS the problem.

BigSkullF*ckingDog May 7, 2012 at 10:39 am

99.9% failure rate. So sometimes a broken clock isn't right twice a day.

Pop_Socket May 7, 2012 at 12:50 pm

I suspect 0.1% are liars.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 7, 2012 at 10:40 am

That's really a shame … because self-loathing repressed gays who've found Jesus are always the life of the party.

Mojopo May 7, 2012 at 10:40 am

So when will the Christian Right put an end to this barbaric practice called "conversion therapy"? The nuns finally stopped beating little kids for being left handed decades ago, and isn't it time to let the fabulous be themselves?

Baconzgood May 7, 2012 at 10:46 am

"SINISTER!!!!!!SINISTER!!!!!!!! Left handed people NEVER do anything RIGHT!"

-Sister Margaret Roslin-

Chow Yun Flat May 7, 2012 at 10:41 am

Guess what: You don't have to be gay to be tempted in some way or experience some level of same-sex attraction, Mr. Dumbfuck.

GhostBuggy May 7, 2012 at 10:41 am

I love the spectacle of a Bussee Berkeley musical.

proudgrampa May 7, 2012 at 10:42 am

"…ex-gay ladies show off their human male husbands, and ex-gay men show off Michele Bachmann."

Rebecca, I think I love you.

And, yes, that is a fine looking young man.

BZ1 May 7, 2012 at 10:43 am

but for that .01 %, it must work??

Dudleydidwrong May 7, 2012 at 10:45 am

It's a start. That 99.9% caused a stupid convention to be canceled. Good news.

Now if the other 99%, the economic have-nots who are still being screwed over by the 1% of the Romneys and his ilk can get that 1% to shut the fuck up we might get somewhere in this country.

deanbooth May 7, 2012 at 10:46 am

That's not anal transcendence!

Chow Yun Flat May 7, 2012 at 10:47 am

Having a convention/throwing a party for "ex-gay" people sounds like a great way to get laid.

Limeylizzie May 7, 2012 at 10:49 am

Who the hell wants to go to a party with no gays?

BornInATrailer May 7, 2012 at 10:55 am

And are they going to hire some magical caterer that has no gay waiters?

(magical not in the fabulous sense, but magical in magic being the only way that is possible)

Limeylizzie May 7, 2012 at 10:59 am

Who will cut the hair of the attendees?

BornInATrailer May 7, 2012 at 11:41 am

"Trim my beard" means something a little different for this party prep.

Chet Kincaid May 7, 2012 at 3:39 pm

"A Day Without A Gay"

proudgrampa May 7, 2012 at 11:05 am

A party without a gay is like San Francisco without a Bay!

starfanglednut May 7, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Winz teh thread.

Pop_Socket May 7, 2012 at 10:54 am

But the after party group grope event in the public park across the street is still on, right?

widestanceromance May 7, 2012 at 10:56 am

Poster Boy there is so damn gay, I think I just experienced some sort of gay leveling-up just by looking at him.

DemmeFatale May 7, 2012 at 11:19 am

Is the last line on that invite: "Please respect our choice?!"
Really??!!
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

(bangs head up against brick wall)

BarackMyWorld May 7, 2012 at 11:56 am

I tried to watch the X-Gays once, but decided I didn't like snowboarding.

DesertTed May 7, 2012 at 11:58 am

I guess talking about wanting to take a cock up your ass makes you want to take a cock up your ass.

LiveToServeYa May 7, 2012 at 11:58 am

Pfuck PFOX.

iburl May 7, 2012 at 12:02 pm

"Change is a Choice"

Tell that to my baby's diaper.

owhatever May 7, 2012 at 12:02 pm

In Texas, they brand the gehs so as to tell them apart from the real people.

ttommyunger May 7, 2012 at 12:23 pm

I'd never make it as a Conservative, I just don't have enough interest in what other men do with their dicks.

Dildeaux May 7, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Breaking: republicans favor tax breaks for the 0.1%

SayItWithWookies May 7, 2012 at 1:01 pm

A roomful of ex-gays led by an evangelist? That's some weird concept album there — they could call it Reverend Frotteur's Blow-Me Hearts Club.

SaintRond May 7, 2012 at 1:11 pm

I can't begin to imagine a gay kid having more of a total blast than going to gay conversion camp. I mean, come on.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 7, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Gay boys, away from home for a month, all packed into a bunkhouse. What could possibly go wrong?

Billmatic May 7, 2012 at 1:23 pm

You know every time I read about this kind of stuff I just think of Ray on Archer and how incredibly believable it is that he's an ordained minister because he married a lesbian at a Pray Away the Gay Bible Camp.

That show is just too good.

"Au revoir, sweet manboys of Montreal."

Wile E. Quixote May 7, 2012 at 2:22 pm

The line was actually "Au Revoir, sweet man-whores of Montreal". That episode was especially cool because the voices of the Canadian characters were provided by members of the cast of Trailer Park Boys.

Billmatic May 7, 2012 at 2:54 pm

I should have guessed that, I kind of felt like it was a guest spot.

"I guess you were too busy runnin around, shootin black guys."

glamourdammerung May 7, 2012 at 1:39 pm

So he replaced one deviant lifestyle choice with another?

Wile E. Quixote May 7, 2012 at 1:42 pm

So if you got a conversion therapy handbook and worked your way through it starting at the last page and working towards the first would it turn a bible-banging fundamentalist into a well-groomed and kind of hot gay guy like the one in the poster above? Because that would be cool.

Wile E. Quixote May 7, 2012 at 1:49 pm

John Paulk, the founder of Love Won Out (formerly affiliated with Focus on the Family until Exodus acquired the ministry in 2009), became the poster boy for the ex-gay movement, until he was spotted in a gay bar in Washington, D.C., in 2000, two years after he published a book in which he discussed his “successful” journey out of homosexuality.

Hey, he wasn't at that gay bar to cruise guys, he was there to show gays how they too could become heterosexuals. Many gay men later testified to how he got down on his knees and fervently ministered to them, sometimes one on one, sometimes to a group, about how fabulous it was to be straight.

Chet Kincaid May 7, 2012 at 2:25 pm

If your organization is supposed to be helping "ex-Gays", it might be better to have a name that sounds like it, instead of "pfox.org" which sounds like a Gay dating site. And your designer deserves a kick in the nethers for the millionth use of the "dot for a head, pointy arms and legs in dance pose spirit person" logo.

Chet Kincaid May 7, 2012 at 2:34 pm

"Ex-Gays don't want to hang out with me! Is it because I vaguely resemble McDreamy from 'Grey's Anatomy'?"

Chet Kincaid May 7, 2012 at 2:45 pm

“John Paulk, the founder of Love Won Out (formerly affiliated with Focus on the Family until Exodus acquired the ministry in 2009), became the poster boy for the ex-gay movement, until he was spotted in a gay bar in Washington, D.C., in 2000, two years after he published a book in which he discussed his “successful” journey out of homosexuality.”

Is this what the Libertine Party means by "Going Paulk"?

ElPinche May 7, 2012 at 3:11 pm

To fix the gay: If you're self-loathing conservative republican gay, use a hammer to the forehead repeatedly. Rinse. Repeat.

BornInATrailer May 7, 2012 at 3:54 pm

You know, after being a fixture on TV for some many years, I had wondered what happened to Ted McGinley.

GregComlish May 7, 2012 at 7:10 pm

Gays: 1
Love: 0

Bonghits4Jesus May 7, 2012 at 11:09 pm

The organizers should have thought of this in the first place: 1) Ex-gays do not want to cum 2) Gays do want to cum. It's quite simple.

poorgradstudent May 9, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Offer same-sex prostitutes (discreetly). Problem solved.

Baconzgood May 7, 2012 at 10:47 am

SUPERMAN LIBEL!!!!!!!!!!

CZL May 7, 2012 at 11:05 am

Confirmed, SorosBot knows what is true and good and also that Scarlett Johannson could kick Wonder Woman's ass.

Chet Kincaid May 7, 2012 at 2:29 pm

DC sucked 'til they found out there was more money in being like Marvel!!

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