on your knees boy

‘Ex-Gay’ Group Cancels Party Because Nobody Wants To Come

Meet me at the rest stop on I-9There is a party in the pants of “Exodus International,” and nobody wants to come! And that is why the group has canceled its upcoming “Love Won Out” convention, in which ex-gay ladies show off their human male husbands, and ex-gay men show off Michele Bachmann. Why can’t the gays just keep with the program? Let us ask the president of Exodus International, Alan Chambers!

“The majority of people that I have met, and I would say the majority meaning 99.9 percent of them, have not experienced a change in their orientation or have gotten to a place where they could say that they could never be tempted or are not tempted in some way or experience some level of same-sex attraction,” Chambers said at a conference sponsored by the Gay Christian Network in Orlando.

99.9 percent! That is so many percent!

For example, Gary Cooper (no relation to the actor) and Michael Bussee, who were heavily involved in the group’s early years, fell in love with each other and subsequently left. John Evans, a co-founder of Love In Action (the first incarnation of Exodus), left when his best friend tragically killed himself because conversion therapy didn’t work. John Paulk, the founder of Love Won Out (formerly affiliated with Focus on the Family until Exodus acquired the ministry in 2009), became the poster boy for the ex-gay movement, until he was spotted in a gay bar in Washington, D.C., in 2000, two years after he published a book in which he discussed his “successful” journey out of homosexuality.

Well, that does sound very bad, almost as if you can’t cure gay, or pray it away, or beat the nelly out of your kids or whatever. This news is hot on the heels of the state of California trying to regulate ex-gay conversion therapy by banning you from getting it for your underage kid when just cold punching him doesn’t work. Sad face, religious freedom, etc! Why do the state of California and Exodus International make the baby Jesus cry? [SPLC]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Boojum

    I thought wanting to come was the point!

    • a_pink_poodle

      We're not here? We're not queer?

      • Beowoof

        But giving an occasional bj is just a way to pass the time.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    Why not just rename it CPAC 2012.2?

  • RedneckMuslin

    What does Joe Biden think?

    • Steverino247

      This is a big fucking deal, as usual.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      He's absolutely comfortable with it.

  • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

    That face is just begging for a good throat punching, (among other things).

    • widestanceromance

      LIke a testosterone injection? I got plenty to spare, since I just filled my tank.

  • Douché

    I actually came reading this.

    • chicken_thief

      So did Rick Santorum. But he still read it three more times….

  • SorosBot

    Man that Jesus has really been failing his followers lately.

  • RedneckMuslin

    Maybe no one came because there is no such thing as an ex-gay.

    • CZL

      Sir Ian McKellan?

      Oh no wait, he is a gay X-man. Sorry. Got confused for a minute.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        NORTHSTAR LIBEL!!!

        • Baconzgood

          Marvel sucks!

          D.C. Representin!

          • SorosBot

            DC blows, Marvel rules!

          • Baconzgood

            SUPERMAN LIBEL!!!!!!!!!!

          • CZL

            Confirmed, SorosBot knows what is true and good and also that Scarlett Johannson could kick Wonder Woman's ass.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

            DC sucked 'til they found out there was more money in being like Marvel!!

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

            Any company that generates this much insufferable hilarity MAJORS in suckage:
            http://superdickery.com/index.php?Itemid=45&i

    • Puffperney

      Actually, age can make you an ex-anything; trust me on this.

      • RedneckMuslin

        I hear ya, brother. I hear ya.

      • yrbmegr

        I'm an ex-Republican.

        • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

          Good for you! Seriously.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    So even on this issue, "Respecting a Choice" is still not popular with conservatives.

    • sullivanst

      Only the choice to be a stay-at-homes mom is worthy of respect. Duh!

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    ‘Ex-Gay’ Group Cancels Party Because Nobody Wants To Come

    See what you did, I do.

  • Baconzgood

    I'd fuck that dude. And I'm straight.

    • anniegetyerfun

      I find that amazingly easy to masturbate to.

      • chicken_thief

        Pics or GTFO!!!

    • Boojum

      I'm a little bit curved.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      You'd fuck a package of bacon.

  • James Michael Curley

    Nothing like looking, dressing and grooming like David Nelson to harsh any potential gay attraction.

    • proudgrampa

      I was thinking more Tony Dow.

      "Ward, I think there's something wrong with the Beaver."

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    For example, Gary Cooper (no relation to the actor) and Michael Bussee, who were heavily involved in the group’s early years, fell in love with each other and subsequently left.

    …had a baby and named him an amalgam of their names: Gary Busey

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    make the baby Jesus cry?

    But, but, the baby Jeebus has/had two daddies.

  • memzilla

    If only "conversion therapy" would work on Rethuglicans…

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      An ocean of strawmen singing ♪♫ If I only had a brain ♫♪ donning glitter disco suits, switching to ♪♫ Y M C A ♫♪ and getting the lyics for realz.

  • Baconzgood

    An exodus at Exodus?

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    California trying to regulate ex-gay conversion therapy by banning you from getting it for your underage kid when just cold punching him doesn’t work.

    Editrix, I realize you probably have more journalism credentials than I do, which means you've massaged more phrases¹ than I have had hot meals, but I think the term is "cold-cocking"

    ¹ Make of that what you will, commentariat…

    • Dashboard Buddha

      cold punching can work. Cold as in heartless, merciless, etc. If it was stone cold punching that could mean heartless, merciless AND showing complete disregard of the punchees humanity. Like Stone Cold Steve Austin.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        That's only if it's followed by "Gimme a Hell Yea!' "

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Cold punching works well on sheet metal. On people, not so much. (That's why they invented piercing.)

      • GhostBuggy

        And, as we all know, there is absolutely nothing gay about professional wrasslin'.

    • chicken_thief

      NECROPHILIA LIBELZ!!!

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Putting the word "cold" or "stone" in front of a verb in order to emphasis how "gangsta" the act may be is a pretty common trope.

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Oh, that old canard.

        • MaxNeanderthal

          Quack.

          • bagofmice

            User-of-Ducks?

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Imma gonna stone drink a cold one, yo!
        No?

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    Maybe they could start an organization for ex-ex-gays?

    • Radiotherapy

      That would be just fabulous!

      • Boojum

        And much bigger turn out.

    • milehighjoe

      We Catholics call that organization "the clergy."

      • CivicHoliday

        win!

  • chascates

    Just wait till the convention in Tampa.

    • Beowoof

      Gay prostitutes have been lining up hotel rooms and Craig's List ads for month now.

  • Goonemeritus

    “John Paulk, the founder of Love Won Out (formerly affiliated with Focus on the Family until Exodus acquired the ministry in 2009), became the poster boy for the ex-gay movement, until he was spotted in a gay bar in Washington, D.C., in 2000, two years after he published a book in which he discussed his “successful” journey out of homosexuality.”

    I too have made a courageous journey. In my case it was leaving New Jersey, sadly however I have found myself back in Hoboken from time to time.__

    • Dashboard Buddha

      You can take the boy out of Hoboken, but you can't take the Hoboken out of the boy.

    • Respitetini

      In all fairness, Hoboken might as well be West Brooklyn. So you'll probably pass…

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Today we are all gay, except those of us thinking about Newt in a Speedo.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Thanks…now I'm considering joining a monastery

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      And now we are all bulemic.

    • GhostBuggy

      Why would you do this thing?

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        1. Photoshop that image.
        2. Make into refrigerator magnets.
        3. Sell as a weight loss aid.
        4. Profit!!

    • Baconzgood

      For Christ Sakes man! I'm eating a raisin bagel here!

    • Terry

      Women thinking of Newt in a Speedo suddenly have the overwhelming desire to buy sensible shoes and a nice set of Craftsman tools.

  • freakishlywrong

    How many times has Marcus Bachmann tried this shit? (It hasn't worked).

  • prommie

    When are these idiots realize that they're going about everything backwards?

    If they want to put a stop to gay sex, they should be in favor of gay marriage.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I know it killed sex in my marriage.

      • prommie

        Marriage doesn't always kill sex, but if not, it will at least stomp the shit out of it and leave it demoralized, weak and half-dead.

    • DahBoner

      //rimshot

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Who's their leader? Tobias Funke?

    • Terry

      Larry Craig

  • Come here a minute

    The ex-ex-gay convention would be way more fabulous!

  • Schmannnity

    The only Exodus that works:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0B3TzqTTaY&fe

  • DaRooster

    What?
    No 99.99999%?

    Come on sheeple.

  • DaRooster

    Needs more corn dogs.

  • Rosie_Scenario

    99.9 % means nothing. Math, and other facts, have a well known liberal bias and cannot be trusted.

  • Barb

    He's not an "ex-gay" It just makes him a greedy bisexual. Pick a hole and commit!

    • DaRooster

      Just imagine how tough it would be to be bisexual… to wake up in the morning and want to fuck everyone!

      • Barb

        Morning DaRooster! Hey, you look kinda different to me this morning. I never noticed how sexy……..

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        It's quite awesome, actually.

    • HistoriCat

      Now Barb – look at that guy! Bisexuality may double your chances of getting a date Saturday night but it you're starting with a chance near 0, you haven't really changed the odds much have you?

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Have you been reading my journal?

        • HistoriCat

          If you didn't want people reading it, you would write it in code.

    • redarmyzombie

      Similarly, if you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it*!

      *don't ask me what bearing this has on the current conversation…

  • mavenmaven

    A bunch of old Republican elected officials appeared, hoping it would beard their looking for a little bathroom action.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Obviously they're just not praying hard enough.

    • Boojum

      I think kneeling IS the problem.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    99.9% failure rate. So sometimes a broken clock isn't right twice a day.

    • http://livebythefoma.blogspot.com Pop_Socket

      I suspect 0.1% are liars.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    That's really a shame … because self-loathing repressed gays who've found Jesus are always the life of the party.

  • Mojopo

    So when will the Christian Right put an end to this barbaric practice called "conversion therapy"? The nuns finally stopped beating little kids for being left handed decades ago, and isn't it time to let the fabulous be themselves?

    • Baconzgood

      "SINISTER!!!!!!SINISTER!!!!!!!! Left handed people NEVER do anything RIGHT!"

      -Sister Margaret Roslin-

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    Guess what: You don't have to be gay to be tempted in some way or experience some level of same-sex attraction, Mr. Dumbfuck.

  • GhostBuggy

    I love the spectacle of a Bussee Berkeley musical.

  • proudgrampa

    "…ex-gay ladies show off their human male husbands, and ex-gay men show off Michele Bachmann."

    Rebecca, I think I love you.

    And, yes, that is a fine looking young man.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    but for that .01 %, it must work??

  • Dudleydidwrong

    It's a start. That 99.9% caused a stupid convention to be canceled. Good news.

    Now if the other 99%, the economic have-nots who are still being screwed over by the 1% of the Romneys and his ilk can get that 1% to shut the fuck up we might get somewhere in this country.

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    That's not anal transcendence!

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    Having a convention/throwing a party for "ex-gay" people sounds like a great way to get laid.

  • Limeylizzie

    Who the hell wants to go to a party with no gays?

    • BornInATrailer

      And are they going to hire some magical caterer that has no gay waiters?

      (magical not in the fabulous sense, but magical in magic being the only way that is possible)

      • Limeylizzie

        Who will cut the hair of the attendees?

        • BornInATrailer

          "Trim my beard" means something a little different for this party prep.

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

          "A Day Without A Gay"

    • proudgrampa

      A party without a gay is like San Francisco without a Bay!

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Winz teh thread.

  • http://livebythefoma.blogspot.com Pop_Socket

    But the after party group grope event in the public park across the street is still on, right?

  • widestanceromance

    Poster Boy there is so damn gay, I think I just experienced some sort of gay leveling-up just by looking at him.

  • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

    Is the last line on that invite: "Please respect our choice?!"
    Really??!!
    Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

    (bangs head up against brick wall)

  • BarackMyWorld

    I tried to watch the X-Gays once, but decided I didn't like snowboarding.

  • DesertTed

    I guess talking about wanting to take a cock up your ass makes you want to take a cock up your ass.

  • LiveToServeYa

    Pfuck PFOX.

  • iburl

    "Change is a Choice"

    Tell that to my baby's diaper.

  • owhatever

    In Texas, they brand the gehs so as to tell them apart from the real people.

  • ttommyunger

    I'd never make it as a Conservative, I just don't have enough interest in what other men do with their dicks.

  • Dildeaux

    Breaking: republicans favor tax breaks for the 0.1%

  • SayItWithWookies

    A roomful of ex-gays led by an evangelist? That's some weird concept album there — they could call it Reverend Frotteur's Blow-Me Hearts Club.

  • SaintRond

    I can't begin to imagine a gay kid having more of a total blast than going to gay conversion camp. I mean, come on.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Gay boys, away from home for a month, all packed into a bunkhouse. What could possibly go wrong?

  • Billmatic

    You know every time I read about this kind of stuff I just think of Ray on Archer and how incredibly believable it is that he's an ordained minister because he married a lesbian at a Pray Away the Gay Bible Camp.

    That show is just too good.

    "Au revoir, sweet manboys of Montreal."

    • Wile E. Quixote

      The line was actually "Au Revoir, sweet man-whores of Montreal". That episode was especially cool because the voices of the Canadian characters were provided by members of the cast of Trailer Park Boys.

      • Billmatic

        I should have guessed that, I kind of felt like it was a guest spot.

        "I guess you were too busy runnin around, shootin black guys."

  • http://littlegreenfootballs.com/article/39308_Breitbarts_Fans_Spew_Racism_Call_for_President_Obama_t glamourdammerung

    So he replaced one deviant lifestyle choice with another?

  • Wile E. Quixote

    So if you got a conversion therapy handbook and worked your way through it starting at the last page and working towards the first would it turn a bible-banging fundamentalist into a well-groomed and kind of hot gay guy like the one in the poster above? Because that would be cool.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    John Paulk, the founder of Love Won Out (formerly affiliated with Focus on the Family until Exodus acquired the ministry in 2009), became the poster boy for the ex-gay movement, until he was spotted in a gay bar in Washington, D.C., in 2000, two years after he published a book in which he discussed his “successful” journey out of homosexuality.

    Hey, he wasn't at that gay bar to cruise guys, he was there to show gays how they too could become heterosexuals. Many gay men later testified to how he got down on his knees and fervently ministered to them, sometimes one on one, sometimes to a group, about how fabulous it was to be straight.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    If your organization is supposed to be helping "ex-Gays", it might be better to have a name that sounds like it, instead of "pfox.org" which sounds like a Gay dating site. And your designer deserves a kick in the nethers for the millionth use of the "dot for a head, pointy arms and legs in dance pose spirit person" logo.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    "Ex-Gays don't want to hang out with me! Is it because I vaguely resemble McDreamy from 'Grey's Anatomy'?"

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    “John Paulk, the founder of Love Won Out (formerly affiliated with Focus on the Family until Exodus acquired the ministry in 2009), became the poster boy for the ex-gay movement, until he was spotted in a gay bar in Washington, D.C., in 2000, two years after he published a book in which he discussed his “successful” journey out of homosexuality.”

    Is this what the Libertine Party means by "Going Paulk"?

  • ElPinche

    To fix the gay: If you're self-loathing conservative republican gay, use a hammer to the forehead repeatedly. Rinse. Repeat.

  • BornInATrailer

    You know, after being a fixture on TV for some many years, I had wondered what happened to Ted McGinley.

  • GregComlish

    Gays: 1
    Love: 0

  • Bonghits4Jesus

    The organizers should have thought of this in the first place: 1) Ex-gays do not want to cum 2) Gays do want to cum. It's quite simple.

  • poorgradstudent

    Offer same-sex prostitutes (discreetly). Problem solved.