toucan sam says go fuck yourself

Tony The Tiger On Jon Stewart’s Vagina Manger: Tastes Grrrreat!

Muffer MaryThe Catholic League’s Bill Donohue is none-too-pleased with the Kellogg’s family of cereals, as it unaccountably refused to yield to his demands that it immediately stop advertising on the Jonathan Stewartsky Half-Hour Jew Hour That Hates Goys Full-Time. Oooooh, what’d Kellogg’s say to Bill Donohue? Did they tell him to get fucked? Yes. Yes they did.

“We understand that our customers come from a variety of backgrounds, experiences, lifestyles, and cultures and we respect their individual decisions to choose the television programs that they deem acceptable for themselves and their families. Consumers speak most loudly when they vote with their remote control and change the channel or turn off the TV if a program does not fit their personal criteria.”

Hahahahaha, that is corporate-speak for “well bless your heart,” which is southern lady for “fuck you in the ass face down on a gravel road,” which is southern man for “Well, fine fellow, I must civilly disagree!”

And don’t think Bill Donohue doesn’t know exactly what he just heard! He’s so mad he’s about to go full-Nuge!


In other words, Kellogg’s is telling Christians to shove it. But they made a mistake. We will now send the indefensible picture to their senior management and board, as well as to community leaders, religious and secular, throughout Battle Creek, Michigan. We are also calling for a national boycott of all Kellogg’s cereals. Moreover, I will notify the public via TV, radio and our website about their collapse of decency. This is just for starters. We have the time, money, and the determination to give Kellogg’s some free advertisement.

Oh. No. Stop. Don’t.

It is weird, it almost seems as if big corporations are no longer running scared from and doing the bidding of folks like Bill Donohue and the One Million Moms! (Forty-seven. They are 47 moms, with a really intense interest in lesbianism.)

Anyway, looks like Kellogg’s will have Bill Donohue to thank when all the hippies decide to finally let their uncombed spawn eat Frosted Flakes and Honey Smacks instead of puffed rice and tofu cereal. Or maybe they’ll be inspired by Kellogg’s next variety: Fruit of the Womb.

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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  1. nounverb911

    Bill Donohue got diddled by the parish priest one time too many when he was an alter boy.

    1. Pennywhistler

      Well, they also sell Cotton Flakes down South and Flannel Flakes in New England.

  2. Joshua Norton

    I will notify the public via TV, radio and our website about their collapse of decency.

    Man this guy is just plain dumb. I'm talking "Mice and Men" dumb.

      1. neiltheblaze

        That's Jethro Bodine. It's very important to make these distinctions. Code of the hills and all that stuff.

    1. pdiddycornchips

      So he's going on Fox and Friends and Limbaugh to whine like a bitch again?

        1. Butch_Wagstaff

          I'm waiting for the War on Easter. It didn't come this year. Maybe next year?

    2. kingofmeh

      ooh, maybe he can buy some airtime during "keeping up with the kardashians" to explain to the public about the concept of decency.

      1. SexySmurf

        I was going to make a joke about a random female cereal mascot asking for it, but there aren't any female cereal mascots. Not one. There's your War on Women.

        1. actor212

          Krackle looks gay. Will that suffice?

          Also, Tony was married, at least in 1971. Rumour has it he divorced Mrs Tony and married a younger hotter jaguar

          1. SexySmurf

            Couldn't they make that frog on the Honey Smacks box a chick? The cereal already looks like tiny vaginas.

          2. tessiee

            "married a younger hotter jaguar"

            Actually, he *drives* a jaguar, but married a sophisticated and sexy older cougar.

          3. tessiee

            "Rumour has it he divorced Mrs Tony"

            Can't really blame him. I hear she was a cheetah.

        2. Sparky McGruff

          Upon occasion, there's a "Cinderella Crunch" or "Dora's Nuggets" some other dreck mixed in the cereal aisle. And, there's lots of Dora and Princess fruit snacks right next to the cereal as well. I know this because my girls beg me to buy an overpriced box of said sugary crap. That's when I say "no" and grab a giant bag of the cheap stuff instead.

          That's because I'm a horrible dad. They'll tell their therapists that their dad didn't love them, because he wouldn't shell out for the box with the licensed characters on it.

          1. Designer_Rants

            The wife goes to Target and gets $75 worth of whatever for $45 (sometimes better, sometimes worse) and she says the clerks always give her the stink eye and act bitchy because she has so many coupons and calls them on it when they screw up the checkout. Just wrote this to tell you: Good job, teach kids frugality, because no one else will.

          2. DemmeFatale

            Welcome to the club.
            My girls (21 and 25), STILL have not forgiven me for not buying them salt-laden Lunchables.
            (To be fair, I still hold a grudge about no EZ-Bake Oven or "sugar" cereals in childhood.)

          3. ChessieNefercat

            No, no, they won't. They'll tell you how wonderful you were. When my daughter was first out on her own, she thought fruits, veggies, whole grains were too pricy and that she would have to eat junk. Then she told herself that "No, even when mom was dirt poor and had no money she always managed to feed us fresh fruit and veggies, and only ever whole grains and healthy food." So she started buying healthy food which turned out to be cheaper.

            I almost fainted when she told me this story. I set a good example? And my kid was paying attention? And she is grateful? And I made a difference in her life? And she voluntarily decided to be just like mom? (In select parts of her life, of course.)

            However, never getting a Lite-Brite is apparently a sore spot for her.

          1. CapnFatback

            Cap'n Crunch is most certainly not a woman. Only insecure man-boys would choose to be known by the cutesy title of Cap'n.

          2. bagofmice

            I assume that your understanding of the colloquialism of "cap'n" is intended to represent an abbreviation of "capping", a term used by hardcore mothafookin gangstas to describe the process of delivering lead to unsuspecting customers.

        3. pdiddycornchips

          There was a girl in some commercials but she was always trying to steal me lucky charms.

        4. tessiee

          "but there aren't any female cereal mascots. Not one."

          What, Coco Krispies aren't named after Ice-T's wife?

  3. Doktor StrangeZoom

    In other news, a chihuahua barked very angrily at a number of people walking by a plate glass window. The chihuahua issued a statement saying that it hoped the insolent swine had learned their lesson, and that any further aggression would elicit the strongest possible reaction.

        1. tessiee

          You're a small cute dog — who has a dog? does it stop there, or does the dog have a dog, and so forth, like those Russian dolls?

          1. bagofmice

            Yo dawg, I heard you like a dog in a dog, so I put this dog out here to recurse upon itself.

    1. Steverino247

      I have two dachshund bitches who do that shit. I'm having to be all "Bitch be cool" whenever some kid goes by on a skateboard or scooter. The postal worker? Them bitches be goin' postal on his ass.

      1. MissTaken

        My parent's toy poodle is convinced he can kick the ass of the ice cream man.

        1. SorosBot

          Can he come kick the ass of the one who comes by my apartment at some point between five and seven every fucking day, who has the really annoying tune? (the one with the quacks and the "hello" interjections I've told you about).

          1. Steverino247

            So, wind him up real good or get some cool military accessories for him at Livermore Labs.

          2. BigSkullF*ckingDog

            The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays carnival versions of Christmas hymns. Fucked up.

          3. BigSkullF*ckingDog

            I get that same reaction from everyone, but I have neighbors who can back up my story. And not Christmas carols. Hymns. Stuff you hear in church. Carnival version. Swear to baby Jesus that it's true.

          4. Butch_Wagstaff

            The truck that hits our neighborhood plays "I Wish I Was in Dixie" (among others, of course) and it's usually one of those brown-skinned folks drivin' it. Weird.

          5. ChessieNefercat

            We have a carillon on our main street. I worked in the building next door to it for awhile. I remember the day it slowly bonged out "Way Down Upon the Swanee River", in a dignified and stately manner, during a raging blizzard. Very surrealistic.

            The carillon on the local university campus can bong its way through "The Rainbow Connection", of all things. I always hear the lyrics in my mind in Kermit's voice.

          6. tessiee

            There's one near me that plays a chiming ice cream truck version of "fur elise". That alone makes me positive the driver is a serial killer.

          7. BelleSC

            The one in our neighborhood plays "Turkey in the Straw" VERY LOUDLY. There is a noise ordinance in the city. It's mainly used against drivers with car music systems playing loud rap music. I am certain it will apply in this case too.

        2. BelleSC

          My mom's chihuahua thought she could kick the ass of the German Shepherd living next door. Guess who won. I should say *late* chihuahua.

    2. BigSkullF*ckingDog

      My dog is 120 lbs and can kick everyone's ass, although she doesn't.

    3. tessiee

      I don't know if any of you guys are unemployed losers who watch daytime TV, but on one of the court shows, the plaintiff couple was walking their 80-lb pit bull on a leash. The defendant opened the front door of his house to get the mail out of the mailbox, and his 7-lb chihuahua ran out between his feet and attacked the pit bull. The judge had to find the guy guilty, but you could tell that even he thought it was an awesome story.

      1. Jimmyone

        I have one of those 100lb pits, and he really is gentle and smart, knows how to open the garage doors, and will go for a ride with anyone willing to give him one. He just hasn't figured out there is a bad rap on his breed. He also has a 3lb tea cup chihuahua brother who thinks he is bigger than his bark.

  4. actor212

    Donohue could probably stand some more fibre in his diet. Luckily, Kelloggs makes Raisin Bran and Fiber Plus, which I'm told tastes nothing at all like cardboard. Much.

  5. memzilla

    So if Jon Stewart would just come out in favor of pedophilia and gay-bashing, Donohue would re-endorse him, despite teh Jewness, right?

    I would call Donohue a vitriolic a**wiping toady, but that would be an insult to toilet paper and amphibians, with whom I have no beef.

  6. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    My favorite cereal is grape nuts because it contains neither grapes nor nuts.

      1. tessiee

        wheat chex is one of my favorites, but it pisses me off that it comes in a 12-oz box, whereas the no-good Rice and Corn chex come in 16-oz boxes. I mean, do they think we're not gonna notice?

    1. Swampgas_Man

      I found out just last week how much Cracklin' Oat Bran you can eat before your butt hurts.

  7. BarackMyWorld

    Strangely, I can't remember ever seeing any commercials for breakfast cereal during the Daily Show. Lots of booze ads, though.

    1. Geminisunmars

      You mean you haven't seen that commercial where a giant hawk swoops down and guzzles a bowl of cereal that has been moistened with a shot of Irish Whiskey?

    2. Designer_Rants

      Yeah, they guy who always tells me how much cooler his leading premium tequila is than the other leading premium tequila. I liked him better in The Sopranos.

      1. BarackMyWorld

        I thought the message of that ad was "drinking tequila will turn you into an asshole who sits around complaining about the state of the advertising business."

        Not sure what robot dogs racing has to do with vodka, either.

  8. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Everyone knows that 80% of Kellogg's customer base is stoners eating fruit loops while watching the daily show.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      And they are unable to stop laughing at vagina manger jokes, or uptight preachers getting mad about vagina manger jokes.

  9. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I will notify the public via TV, radio and our website

    Stupid Bill Donohue, don't you know that the Jews control the media?

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      And when they're not doing that they're controlling the international banking system, slaughtering Christian babies to make matzos and murderizing Jeesus. Fucking bunch of over-achievers.

  10. Rotundo_

    I never was a big fan of breakfast cereals (most are either pure sugar or something you'd feed to cattle) but I may have to re-evaluate. If consuming Sugar Frosted Flakes or Rice Krispies sends a big ol' FUCK YOU! to Bill, it is going to be a real challenge to stay away from the cereal aisle…

  11. SheriffRoscoe

    We understand that our customers come from a variety of backgrounds, experiences, lifestyles, and cultures and we respect their individual decisions…

    Shove it, Christians!!!

    1. bikerlaureate

      "In other words," no decent person could mistake that coarse sentiment.

      Or fail to notice that a slight against Donohue is obviously aimed at all Christians. Because he's such a humble embodiment of Jesus' teachings.

      It's a wonder lightning hasn't come down and flash-fried his ass.

  12. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I'm pretty sure that he Catholic church puts out Bill Donohue so that there is something even more outrageous than priest diddling alter boys.

      1. Sparky McGruff

        That's nothing compared to the Lesbi-O's or Honey-Nut Transvestite Crunch.

  13. veritass

    I don't even like cereal but this asshole is going to force me to buy some. Sigh. The things I do to piss off religious people.

    1. HistoriCat

      Can you donate cereal to food pantries or shelters? That way you could piss off religious people AND help the less fortunate.

      1. Geminisunmars

        There you go being all liberally and compassionate and stuff. Plus, coming up with a win-win is pretty socialist too.

        1. HistoriCat

          If I was a proper tea-bagging Republican I would realize that in order for someone to win everyone else has to lose.

      2. Designer_Rants

        You're gonna get the nuns in even more trouble! They haven't met their Hate Crimes Quota for the month and you're just advocating giving them more food to help people? The Vatican hates that!

  14. widestanceromance

    Ped O' Flakes. For a healthy start to every boy's twisted life that ends in suicide.

  15. SayItWithWookies

    If Mary had only had state-funded birth control, none of this nonsense would be taking place right now. Oh wait — yes it would, since fictional characters usually get born no matter what the mother's circumstances. I'll still bet she fucked like a minx, though.

    1. HogeyeGrex

      One can only imagine the sort of multiple orgasms getting boned by God Hisself would induce.

      Just sayin'

    2. Steverino247

      Yes, when the topic of "if you had one question for God, what would it be?" comes up, I always ask. "Hey, uh, God. Uh, Was Mary as "good" as everybody says she was?"

    1. Butch_Wagstaff

      I suspect not. I recall reading that Donohue is paid a very sweet six-figures a year for doing nothing more than being "outraged" all the time & defending child molesters.

      edit: Here's the source:

      $400,000 a year. Jesus Crispies! Look at that number again and weep.

  16. weejee

    Bill Donohue is trying to give John Stewart Nuge-ies? Nuk, nuk, nuk, woo, woo, woo. Wait 'til the Three Stooges' estate sues his papally ass.

  17. Chichikovovich

    If I'm the Kellogg's people, I'm thinking that perhaps the best strategy is to meet Donohue halfway. They will continue to advertise on the Daily Show, but they will also pay for a few minutes of ad time for Donohue to introduce himself, to say a bit about the things that make him damned mad, and then to tell people that while Jon Stewart may like Kellogg's cereals, he, Bill Donohue wants you to eat the cereals of their competitors. Then he can look into the camera with his best serious/condemnatory look and say: "Cereals other than Kellogg's: they're what people like me are going to eat!"

    I mean, it's only fair to give Donohue a chance to make his case.

    1. George Spelvin

      While I must admire your cunning plan, I think that Kellogg's actual response ("go fuck yourself"" bless your heart") is nearly as effective, and less complex.

  18. Jus_Wonderin

    Oh, I bet Kelloggs is Quakering in their boots. Hell, they make so much profit off those grains they could just push the margin up a bit more…and problem solved if they Churchwads want to boycott. Boy? Cot? Hmmmmmm…….

    Geez, that entire store aisle is worth 500K when fully stocked.

  19. qwerty42

    I don't get it. Bill Donohue would seem to have an Irish name. But he seems so … delicate; such a sad, helpless victim on so many things. Not like this. But that was a different era.

  20. Butch_Wagstaff

    Bams is gonna be my town tomorrow, fucking up all the traffic down at VCU.
    Shaka Smart will be hosting the rally at the Seigel Center. Because of him & Bams, many panties will be thrown.

  21. Radiotherapy

    ….which is Wonkette for "go fuck yourself in the ass with a rusty chainsaw you skullfucked reta…um, mental midget."

  22. mavenmaven

    Yeah, right, Donahue, boycotting Tony the Tiger? You will have to pry sugar cereal from a teabagger's cold dead hands. That's the only thing they love more than guns.

  23. ttommyunger

    Boated, puffed-up blowhard or overpriced, puffed up sugar-coated cardboard? Decisions, decisions.

      1. Wile E. Quixote

        Does saying "Oh Jesus. Oh Jesus. Oh God. Oh Jesus. Jesus! Jesus! Jesus! I'm coming!" count?

  24. Robman2

    In the south, to add some flavor, bless your "little 'ole" heart, means the receiver is supine, and one will be picking gravel from between the teeth, and the folds of labinish or nether..

    Both Labinish and Nether are books from the lost word of God part of the Catechism.

  25. edgydrifter

    "This is just for starters." Starters? Who the fuck is this guy–Spanky McFarland from Our Gang? Nice Catholic education.

  26. dadanarchist

    Donahue is Breitbart without the cocaine, sense of mean-spirited humor, or readership.

  27. weejee

    Will Post counter with a third try on their miniature animal crackers cereal, but tighten the theme by limiting itself to Crèchey Critters? Really, with lots of sheep and ass who needs anything else?

  28. Jus_Wonderin

    What's all the talk about Vagina Managers? If Microsoft wants to give us more functionality and control over our applications, well I am all for it.

    Huh, what? Vagina Mangers? Well, uh, nevermind…………………….

  29. rickmaci

    Jeebuz, talked about misplaced outrage. Why can't the guy work up this much angst over boy-diddling priests? Why do I think this is just faux rage intended to divert attention from the ongoing cover up of misconduct by priests?

  30. Wile E. Quixote

    Do you want to know how much the Catholic League sucks? Well let me tell you, they suck worse than Gerry Conway's pre-Crisis Justice League, the incredibly lame one where they were based in Detroit and had lame characters like Vibe and Gypsy if Jerry Conway's pre-Crisis Justice League, the one where they were based in Detroit and had incredibly lame characters like Vibe and Gypsy, had been pencilled and inked by Rob Liefeld.

    P.S. If you're a woman and you get this joke I would like to marry you.

    P.P.S. If you're a guy and you get this joke, well hey, gay marriage is legal in Washington.

    1. Chet Kincaid

      Only the lamest of the lame bother collecting DC's. Don't even come over to my basement with a box of that crap for a swap-meet. Avengers Assemble!! Excelsior!

      1. Wile E. Quixote

        Dude, you want to take about lamest of the lame? Well I have two words for you. "Clone Saga". Oh, and it's not your basement, it's your Mom's basement! So there!

        P.S. You did get the joke though, you uh, doing anything this evening?

        1. Chet Kincaid

          My comics era was 1965-1980, so I only know from the original death of Gwen Stacey. From my goddamned old man perspective, it's amazing how "respectable" all that shit is now.

    2. Chet Kincaid

      I've looked at that Rob Liefeld post before. He came along long after I stopped collecting. My God, I can't believe major corporations paid big bucks for that kind of sub-amateur garbage! I would have been ashamed to draw that badly on the back of a notebook in High School.

  31. Not_So_Much

    Not only am I going to buy some Kellogg's Kardboard cereal, I'm-a chew that crap with my mouth open. Take that Bill Donohue!

  32. chascates

    This is the problem with religions: since they're based on 'faith' the adherents are free to make up whatever they think their deity would desire. You can be a liberal, easy-going United Methodist, a pacifist, activist Quaker, a money-oriented Episcopalian, or a completely insane fundamentalist (Catholic, Protestant, Muslim, Jewish, etc.) who believes everyone else in their religion as well as other ones is hell-bound heretical trash.

    1. Butch_Wagstaff

      I'll never forget riding, as a child, in the backseat of a car with my grandmother. My grandmother's brother was driving & her sister-in-law was in the passenger's seat. Grandma & sister-in-law got into an argument about whether or not the Bible actually says that there will be a "rapture". Sister-in-law said yes. Grandma said no. This argument last for, like, 20-frickin' miles. Meanwhile my great-uncle just gripped the steering wheel, said not one word, & had this look on face that said: "I'm staying out of this mess."

      I relate this story in response to your comment because I think most religious people want to believe they are right. They want to believe that they now have answers to all their existential questions.
      It would be nice if more people could simply conclude: "Who knows? I don't & most people don't know, either. And that's okay."

  33. pdiddycornchips

    If you think he's mad now, just wait until he hears about Fruit Loops.

  34. user-of-owls

    Hey you stupid fuckin' Mick papist, you really think you've got a chance? Get the spuds outta you ass…Crunch and Chocula? They're Jew names too.

  35. comrad_darkness

    Like Stewart isn't one of the most polite interviewers on television. I suppose full on vile crazy but spouting right wing platitudes totally flies with this guy. What am I saying? Of course it does.

  36. Wile E. Quixote

    OK, here's my idea: we tell Orly Taitz that Bill Donohue forged Barack Obama's long-form birth certificate. Then we tell Bill Donohue that Orly Taitz is really a transsexual who likes to mock Catholicism by dressing up as a nun to dispense contraceptives and perform abortions. Then we let John Hinckley Jr. out of the idiot bin and tell him that Jodie Foster will totally go all the way with him if he whacks the both of them.

    1. tessiee

      This is like one of those caper movies where the guy robs a jewelry store that's a mob front, so the jewelry store owners AND the mob AND the cops are all after him!

    2. George Spelvin

      I like the way you think.

      Which should be, I suppose, scary to my neighbors.

  37. glamourdammerung

    The Republicans overplayed their hand on these "silent majority" type groups way too many times and everyone knows they are a couple of dozen morons with anger issues at most.

  38. tessiee

    In retaliation, Jon Stewart's rabbi is tattling to Bill Donohue's sponsors about that one time that Bill ate a ham sangwich on a bagel.

  39. horsedreamer_1

    Don't worry: the company will weather the storm as Anthony Hopkins's bowel is immaculate.

  40. Sassomatic

    The stoners of America will now flock to Kellogg's cereals, sending Post into a frenzy to compete, thereby igniting the Great Cereal War of 2012. Whichever one thinks of ice-cream filled frosted mini-wheats first will prevail.

  41. tessiee

    Didn't any of you guys have French in high school?
    [oh, for god's sake, I meant the LANGUAGE, you bunch of perverts!]
    Vagina Manger is pronounced "vagina man-gzhay" and it means, "eat vagina", so…
    Wait, Bill Donohue would probably like that even less.

  42. lulzmonger

    It's funny, because Kellogg was an uptight conservative motherfucker who scientifically formulated his breakfast noms with the primary goal of preventing kids from jerking off.

    Also, boycotts = the potato-masher grenade of LIBERAL FASCISM!!!!!!!

  43. George Spelvin

    Hahahahaha, that is corporate-speak for “well bless your heart,” which is southern lady for “fuck you in the ass face down on a gravel road,” which is southern man for “Well, fine fellow, I must civilly disagree!”

    Who knew that our Editrix was such a cunning linguist?

    1. Butch_Wagstaff

      "Well bless your heart." Our Editrix translated that pretty well.
      Another one I always heard growing up was "Well, isn't he (or she) a sight!" Meaning: "What a fuckin' embarrassment they are to present themselves in public like that!"
      That one worked well whether you were referring to how they dressed or to their politics.

      1. BelleSC

        “well bless your heart,” which is southern lady for “fuck you in the ass face down on a gravel road,”

        Oh this is so true. Also so above replies. "Bless his heart" can also mean "What a fucking moron" as well as numerous other insults. Of course it can also just mean "Bless his heart." My transplanted Yankee sister-in-law hates it :-)

        On of my favorite insults is "I LOVE your (dress, hairstyle, pair of shoes, etc.) I had one just like that…..years ago."

  44. LetUsBray

    I had to stop on the way home to pick up a new box of raisin bran, as I am at the age where my number one criterion in choosing breakfast food is whether it helps me poop. I am now really happy that I bought the Kellogg's version (which is exactly like the others, but today it happened to be the cheapest).

    Still, I would have thought Mr. Catholic League would be all in favor of anything that limbers up the ol' back door, also known as the "Priest's Entrance".

  45. Smithboy

    In that 99% of Americans never heard of Bill Donahue and therefore don't follow his commandments, I think Kellogg is on pretty safe ground saying to this self styled puritan….We'll pass on the boycoott.

  46. beowulf2100

    Bill is clearly intellecually and emotionally constipated. I recommend the Activia Challenge. It tastes great, promotes regularity, and is a true friend to all colons!

  47. vodkamuppet

    Oh yeah, Battle Creak(ites?) will totally boycot their largest employer. Solid plan Bill, can't miss. While you're at it, why not get Detroit to boycot the big 3?

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