Does your head do that?

Good news, America: Science reports that it has had communication with an alternate dimension. Strangely enough, the message is once again from pill-snarfing loon Michele Bachmann, who explains that in fact, she ran a very nearly perfect campaign for president: “We were extremely careful, and we were almost mistake-free, but for those two points, Elvis Presley’s birthday and John Wayne’s birthplace.” That’s nice. So is Michele Bachmann the Republican nominee in this alternate dimension, after having run such a glorious campaign? Maybe she is already President there, even? That’s too bad, it sounds like that dimension might have been sort of a fun, kooky “wear your pants backwards everyday” kind of place before Michele Bachmann quickly annihilated it as its new leader. In this world, however, we can think of several more mistakes Michele Bachmann made. What’s the first one, off the top of the head?

This one:

And also there was that time she needlessly attempted to make Rick Perry look stupid by claiming that a cancer vaccine makes girls “suffer retardation,” or that teabagger manifesto she signed comparing the enslavement of African-Americans favorably to life as a black person under Barack Obama’s tyrannical rule and yadda yadda we do not have another year to finish this list. We just wanted to ruin your Friday with that lovely photo. [The Hill]

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  • Barb

    I think she is not taking enough pills.

    • SoBeach

      Or we're not.

    • Extemporanus

      Ya know I adore ya, Bar, but the notification app that assists you and a couple others to always post the first or second comment seriously sucks some of the fun and sponteneity out of things.

      (Sorry, but I'm having a very bad day and have obviously not taken enough pills.)

      • There's a notiification app?

      • Barb

        I didn't post in the last three topics. I have no idea what the hell everyone is talking about when they suggest that Rebecca gives me the posts early and/or I am always the first to post. It gets old, seriously.

        I'm very edgy today and I just put some clothes on and I am going to take a walk to the park and have a good cry. My hockey team is losing in the Stanley Cup playoffs, I just killed a spider when I could have just taken him outside, the veggies I planted are dying and I miss Jeff.

        I'm going to go make some pork choppies, baked apples, scalloped potatoes and broccoli for dinner. I made whoopie pies for the first time and they are really cute.

        Post away, be spontaneous and let me know how that turns out, eh?

        • hunnybee

          don't cry Barb. pork chops, baked apples etc sounds perfect. hugs.

        • Extemporanus

          I spontaneously misspelled "spontaneity", so…haha?

          Also, Barb, I really don't respond well to being disengeniously talked down to by someone to/about whom I've had nothing but nice things to say, so I'll simply add that I sincerely hope that your day improves and that your dinner impresses, and then hit the bricks as well.

          • Barb

            You started it. Wonkette has 14 stories today and I've responded to 5 of them. It's bullshit to suggest that I get the stories in advance. I hear that quite often.

            These are YOUR words "…seriously sucks some of the fun and sponteneity out of things." The negates your "…whom I've had nothing but nice things to say…"

            You insulted me, I replied and insulted you back, you doubled down and I doubled down. We are even now.

            Time to so Skype with Rebecca to get tomorrow's stories in advance. Lordy knows, (finger in nose) I can't think on my own without that cheating advantage.

        • Chichikovovich

          Hey Barb – best wishes for a great dinner. [And if the Flyers go out, I'll come here and cry with you – my Dad just told me that Claude Giroux grew up in the same small town (or rather, one of the small towns) I grew up in. So I'm a Flyers fan now, and I guess I will be until the NHL decides to put a team in Montréal.]

          • Barb

            Wow, love this super cool story! Thanks!
            The next game is Sunday and I can't wait.

        • IndianaKevin

          Making whoopie is fun. On a tangential note, I was an extra in the movie, "Long Walk Home," and once encountered Whoopie Goldberg and Dwight Schultz (Murdock on A-Team) seated at the sidelines of a scene. Their conversation was about whether people's assholes are all the same size. I wanted to volunteer "only when not in use, otherwise there'd be leakage," but I didn't want to insert myself into their conversation.

      • Gunner Asch

        There's a contest?

      • James Michael Curley

        Ya know dood, every day I check out Wonkette and on every post I read I see my UserID and Avatar FIRST! right under "Comments" so don't be harshing on Barb. I just don't always have something to say, not like Barb who is quite clever and loquacious. I'll admit that I don't always get here every day and don't read every comment so I'm not counting the number times you were FIRST! but that could be quite ALOT!

        • Boojum

          Suck up.

        • Barb

          Thank you, James. I owe you some really cool Mexican beer for Cinco de Mayo.
          It's a little after 6 A.M. here and I am trying to decide if I should cook real Mexican food tonight.

          • James Michael Curley

            Last year I made a beef and bean empanada and a chicken, tomato and chili tamale combo using all scratch and real corn husks (NJ’s first crop of corn hits around the last week in April). My son liked it but when he wanted them again and disappeared when mixing the masa I took the liberty of instructing him where he could go to find a sweet, young Mexican cook of dubious immigration status.

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        Haven't you figured it our? Barb is simply the awakening of the great collective conscious of the Internet. Thankfully, it has taken its first steps to awareness right here at Wonkette, so we should be the last to die when she/it goes rogue.

        • Boojum

          So, are those whoopie pies virtual?

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      The pills are giving to her by Marcus, so that she will stay his beard. He doesn't care what other side effects they cause.

    • spareme

      Oop, I got the bump – restated: I think she got a vaccination that caused her to be less than brilliant. And also causes her to bend over doggie style in front of cameras too.

    • Not_So_Much

      Is that a euphemism for Marcus' penis?

  • Extemporanus

    Too many, or not nearly enough?

    • haha — thanks for distracting Barb with your reply long enough for me to get the FIRST!1! comment** in the next thread ahead! I owe you one.

      ** FWIWBF (For What It's Worth Being First) that comment I hustled in there is a pretty shitty comment.. but I never did quite master speed-dial.

      • Boojum

        Yes, see, but what you do is write a shitty comment, to spike the position, then you rewrite before someone replies. It still takes fast wit and fast hands, but who among us doesn't have those?

        • write a shitty comment, to spike the position, then you rewrite

          Yeah you can bet I've done that too but not in this case… Full confession here, I know precious little enough about the Beastie Boyz to say anything worthwhile. Hell I don't even know what I meant when I made the crack about "speed dial"~

  • DrunkIrishman

    Give her a break. You'd be popping pills too if you walked in on your husband fucking the pool boy.

    • widestanceromance

      You can' t mean to imply that she suddenly figured it out then and there. . .?

      • DrunkIrishman

        "I was trying to show him how to feed in the filter tube! I swear, Michele!"

        • widestanceromance

          "I tripped and fell, accidentally penetrating him, but luckily, he caught me."

    • Wile E. Quixote

      I think it's the other way around. Marcus strikes me as a the kind of guy who's a really pissy power-bottom.

      • DrunkIrishman

        Good catch. He's probably also hung like an elf.

        • Sir_Fartz_Alot

          orlando bloom libel

      • widestanceromance

        If only because no one–no one–could ever want him inside them.

    • Tundra Grifter

      And we know how many people in Minnesota have a pool.

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      He was just trying to de-gay the pool boy.

  • nounverb911

    Needs more tranquilizer darts too, also.

  • skoalrebel

    You got a problem with anal? [spit] The Bible is written in Greek, so Greek style is totally cool. Jesus said so.

  • Oh great! Well, I suppose I should just thank Astarte that you didn't run the corndog one.


  • OkieDokieDog

    I feel almost kinda sorry for her. Dumped by her God and still married to Marcus.

  • nounverb911

    The thought balloon over Marcus' head says: "Lindsey! My little Lindsey!"

  • sewollef

    I thought she was against sex education? And now she gives lessons from the Karma Sutra? WTF?

  • meatlofer

    She is a Pill.

  • great there goes my brunch. on the bright side, it is bikini season.

  • Although Wonketteer's avatars are heavy to feline, seems we've been going to the dogs lately with doggy-styled alt text, dog farts, dogeared Ted Nukegent and all.

    Topically seems to need moar butt sechs and feline pussy if ya ask me. Although, must admit, the Ed didn't ask.

    • Boojum

      I think you could redact everything between "moar" and "pussy" and been 100% correct.

  • Terry

    Admit it. Don't you sort of miss her campaign in a slowing-down-to-look-at-car-wrecks sort of way?

    • sullivanst

      It was a lot more entertaining than Mittens, that's for sure.

      • Terry

        I bet you that Marcus would be willing to recreate that photo with Mittens.

    • fuflans

      i miss them all at this point. mittbot has a clear shot to the nomination and is frying my very last nerve on a daily basis and there's six more bloody months to go.

  • I'll bet she sits and drunkenly sobs over a Trivial Pursuit board every night.. Winterset not Waterloo! I could've had it all if it weren't for that goddamn fucking town!! Win-terr-settt!!… Marcus? Vicodin. Marcus!!!!

    • SorosBot

      Sorry, it was the Moops.

      • MissTaken

        Bubble Boy LIBEL!

        • SorosBot

          I hoped someone would get the reference; glad you did.

  • edgydrifter

    See, kids? This is what happens when you learn too much about Cthulhu.

  • el_donaldo

    It doesn't sound like it would be too hard to fool Michele into thinking that she did win the nomination after all. Think of the hilarity!

    • Quick! Type up a treatment and send it over to the Coen brothers tout de suite! I'll line up Matt Damon to direct and Kelsey Grammer to play Marcus!

      • el_donaldo

        Coen Brothers? We'll need to rent a wood-chipper. Either that or a bolt gun.

        • sullivanst

          I'll mix the white russians.

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      After all, Sarah Palin spent 2009-2010 talking as if she'd won the election, but that other guy just beat her to Washington with a moving van.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Well, Illinois is a lot closer to DC than Alaska, so you can understand her sour grapes.

    • Pithaughn

      Not to sure she would fall for President nomination, but Czar of Christianity in the Dept of Homeland Religion, totally.

    • littlebigdaddy

      Just get the magical talking Mr. Llama to tell her she won. She would totes believe him.

  • Schmannnity

    She did run a perfect campaign. It's just that there were too many candidates which split the all-important dumbass vote.

  • OneYieldRegular

    "We have been an almost perfect Presidency, but for those two points: allowing unemployment to rise to 57% and that accidental nuclear launch that destroyed most of northern Europe."

  • Fairtackle

    She has kind of a surprised look on her face. for some reason.

    • YasserArraFeck

      "Wait – that feels like a boner……..Marcus?!!!!!!!!"

  • The goofy smile on her face just seems to say "I ripped his dick off with my butt cheeks"

    • sewollef

      Oh fer god's sake, please…. it's a nice Friday afternoon, don't spoil it.

      • Misery loves company.

        At least that's what the voices in my head tell me.

        Heh heh.

    • that indeed made me lol

  • MissTaken

    “We were extremely careful, and we were almost mistake-free, but for those two points, Elvis Presley’s birthday and John Wayne’s birthplace.”

    Here in America you do not fuck with the King, Michele.

    • SorosBot

      Next she'll claim that Elvis is actually dead when we all know he faked is death and is now living anonymously in Reno.

      • Actually, Elvis and Nixon are living in a well appointed hidey-hole on Nugent's future-Superfund-site compound and only come out for target practice. Nugent's target practice, I should say.

  • Goonemeritus

    I think the fact that society hasn’t compelled her to undergo Electroconvulsive therapy is a sign she is very well managed.

    • MaxNeanderthal

      ….Her handlers are tuning the Haldol dose quite finely these days….

  • Unseen in the photo, but Marcus has cleverly taped a picture of Justin Bieber to Michele's back.

  • MissTaken

    You know, that photo was going to be her official Presidential portrait. This country should be ashamed of itself.

  • HobbesEvilTwin

    Well, Michele's campaign did PERFECTLY encapsulate today's republican party.

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    We're gonna need a bigger Pharmacopoeia

  • Baconzgood


  • SorosBot

    "What’s the first one, off the top of the head? "

    In the Republican party, having a vagina.

  • Come here a minute

    Well that takes a lot of chootspah.

    • emmelemm

      My favorite mistake… (of Michele's)

  • Baconzgood

    I misses her cam-pain. It was one the funniest pieces of performance art I've seen in a long time.

    • MissTaken

      It is sad that candidates now look directly at the camera when speaking.

    • GOPCrusher

      It's too bad America isn't ready for a candidate that has "Make Obama a one term President" as their entire platform.

  • SayItWithWookies

    David Brody: You ran pretty much an impeccable campaign, in terms of a mistake-free campaign.
    Michele Bachmann: Thank you, it really was.
    David Brody: It pretty much was.

    Wow — the hard-hitting journalism at CBN never stops. With enablers like David Brody, Michele will be able to wrap herself in the warm, soft fawning bubble-wrap of conservative unreality for another four years.

    • YasserArraFeck

      When it comes to GOPpers, I'd like my "hard-hitting" journalism to come in the form of a 2×4….
      WHACK!!!!!! "Governor, how many fingers am I holding up?"
      "All of them, Katie"

    • Wile E. Quixote

      With enablers like David Brody, Michele will be able to wrap herself in the warm, soft fawning bubble-wrap of conservative unreality for another four years.

      Well here's hoping that she wraps it nice and tight, airtight as a matter of fact.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    She came in behind Newt Gingrich and Rick Perry in Iowa. That's a near perfect campaign? By that standard, I guess Rick Perry is a near perfect debater, and Newt has had a near perfect marriage.

    • chicken_thief

      She woulda been first, but women take longer. When they come at all….

    • MaxNeanderthal

      "coming in behind" – possibly not the most appropriate turn of phrase after that photo, but then again….

  • fartknocker

    She should be on the Women for Herman Cain website. In that position.

    • YasserArraFeck

      That would be the "Women on Herman Cain" website (likely NSFW)

  • keinsignal

    I mean, it's a funny interview but not exactly surprising. If you can't recognize reality, how could you possibly recognize when you've made a mistake?

  • ElPinche

    OT, but "A lemon to a lime, a lime to a lemon…" …RIP Yauch.

    /on topic
    Ug..Bachmann..don't remind me.

  • Might be aimed at Mitten's minions…you know, kinda –

    "Look at me…Look at me!!! Please Look at me, I'm perfect in every way for VP!"

    • To which Mitt's advisors would all go "NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! We tried that with the *sane* one in 2008!"

  • Radiotherapy

    How do you even know if your mommy jeans are on backward?

  • I_P

    On the other hand, buttsecks.

  • Serolf_Divad

    I honestly feel bad for poor Michelle Bachman: Herman Cain was dumber than her, Newt Gingrich was less princpled than her and Rick Santorum was more theocratic Jesus Krayzee than her. She was sorta like that player on "The Price Is Right" who bids $100.00 on the item only to find the next two players bidding $99.00 and $101.00 respectively. She simply couldn't win in that field..

    • sullivanst

      Smegma-lips made a bigger deal out of being Jesus Krayzee than she did, but he's only Opus Dei crazy, she takes it to that unique realm of headfuckery that only the New Apostolic Reformation can manage.

    • George Spelvin

      I have to disagree. She is unprincipled hypocritical crazy, and, like, e.g., Palin, willfully ignorant.

      Plus, she's still getting 175 large per year plus benefits, paid for by you and me, for doing squat.

      I don't feel bad for her even a leetle teeny bit.

  • "Have no fear of perfection, Michele – you'll never reach it." -S. Dali

  • YasserArraFeck

    And the #1 reason Shellie didn't win the nomination…….not enough Chootzpa!!!!!

  • bobloblawlawblg

    Having already misstated well-known facts about the King and the Duke, Bachmann is now setting her sights on Prince since she too was born a black child in Minnetonka.

  • sewollef

    OT… we should recognise that on this historic day, the release of 'Core of Conviction", we're all Virginia Dare.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      "Core of conviction" sounds like a mostly-eaten apple in a jail cell…
      "Virginia Dare" was a cheap wine of days gone by..

      .They sound like winners, Michele. Why don't you run for president?

  • Wile E. Quixote

    Well her biggest mistake was snarfing pills instead of going for a winner's cocktail of bull semen and cocaine.

  • Rosie_Scenario

    Judging from the book cover, it's a "wear your head sideways" alternate universe.

  • YasserArraFeck

    Head cranked over to the Right – where else would it be?

  • comrad_darkness

    Probably optimistic to assume she would recognize that "being Michele Bachmann" was her number one mistake.

  • C_R_Eature

    It's true that the Meds have bad side effects but, if Michele stops taking them there are Terrible Hallucinations.

  • Tundra Grifter

    She's goning to have to pry the Presidency from the cold, dead fingers of Duh Gov'Nuh.

  • ttommyunger

    I'm glad she ran and sorry she didn't win. The first because I needed the grins and the second because Barry could beat her with one ear tied behind his back, which is probably physically possible, Jimmy.

  • Troglodeity

    Gaaah: that picture on the cover of her book is totally insane. And that's the one they chose? Can you imagine what the outtakes looked like?

    As for the doggie-style photo, Marcus looks extremely uninterested – almost disappointed. And he's touching her waist as if it's pure kryptonite.

  • didgen

    I believe Marcus is slipping her the core of conviction right then. YeeHaw!

  • vtxmcrider

    Marcus doesn't really know how to fuck a woman, so he is just showing Michele what the guys do to him.

  • littlebigdaddy

    She looks like she enjoys that almost as much as Ms. Lindsey.

  • BZ1

    They will sell her book, with a black border over those eyes, won't they? Please!!!

  • Workfaster

    Strange… She's wearing the same outfit in both pictures.

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