SOMEONE NEEDS A MIDOL  2:25 pm May 4, 2012

Ted Nugent Offers To Fellate Reporter And Rape Producer To Show That Ted Nugent Is A Damn Nice Guy

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

"I will better mankind"It’s funny, with all the many millions of items we have written about one Ted “The Nuge” Nugent, we were really only ever working from transcripts (and album covers) when we detailed how he constantly wants to rape Hillary Clinton with a machine gun, and et cetera. But until now we had never seen just how charming Ted Nugent gets, and into what kind of borderline-personality state he works himself. It is Mel Gibsonian in its fury and we would not go to his Costa Rica ranch for NOTHIN! Here he screams, spittle flying, while talking about all the dying children he goes fishing with, and he sort of half gets out of his seat to threaten a reporter who just sits there in his chair, very carefully not showing where he peed himself in terror. Yes, he is screaming about what a damn nice guy he is, before dropping “I’ll SUCK YOUR FUCKING DICK” and then, looking over at a female producer, “Or fuck you, how’s that sound?” Bad? It sounds bad? And like a violation of the Wonkette Commenting Rules for Radicals?

Here is your CBS video of Ted Nugent scaring the everlovin’ piss out of us. According to the reporter, when the interview was over, The Nuge’s wife (Jesus, can you imagine?) came in and said he needed to apologize to the lady producer for screaming at her that he would fuck her. And then he sort of did, and then later he claimed he’d had a kidney stone. Then they played it for the Romney campaign, and the Romney campaign was all “Fellows should be civil,” the end. We are going to go take a bath now, with some soothing lavender oil probably, and then have a morning glass of syrah.

[CBS, via Towleroad]

 
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{ 200 comments }

OzoneTom May 4, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Worst case of ODS evah!

actor212 May 4, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Imma think he has a case of guitourettes*, caused by one too many humbuckers.

* I can't claim credit. A buddy of mine came up with that when we used to play clubs in the 80s and everyone was so over antagonizing the audience except this one dick….

nounverb911 May 4, 2012 at 2:27 pm

Needs more tranquilizer darts.

skoalrebel May 4, 2012 at 2:28 pm

That TV crew got one nasty surprise, sorta like expecting a fart and ending up with a dump. [spit!] Don't mess with a true patriot, cuz Mr. Nugent is a real rebel. Freedom!!

CommieLibunatic May 4, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Didn't he literally not bathe for a month and crap himself to avoid getting drafted into Vietnam? Like a real Merikan?

fitley May 4, 2012 at 7:06 pm

@ skoalrebel- I think the term you're looking for is "Shart".

ManchuCandidate May 4, 2012 at 2:29 pm

I guess the trauma of being a shitting pissing coward never goes away.

The horror… the horror… the horror.

MaxUdargo May 4, 2012 at 5:00 pm

I think it was careful tactical planning. Before they get to the topic of the Army cancelling his concert and the inevitable questions about how he avoided service in Vietnam, he has to stage an angry, borderline violent freakout. That way the question never comes. Suddenly keenly aware that he is sitting somewhere out in the boonies on the front lawn of a heavily-armed, deranged, rage fiend, the reporter just wants to get back to the city alive.

boobookitteh May 4, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Cat Scratch Fever is no joke, guys.

ManchuCandidate May 4, 2012 at 2:43 pm

It seems he was scratched by a Scaredy Cat.

nounverb911 May 4, 2012 at 2:29 pm

"Ted Nugent Offers To Fellate Reporter"
The Nugie is gay?

Terry May 4, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Severe repression and self hate would explain a few things.

HogeyeGrex May 4, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Maybe so.

Or the reporter is a shark.

CommieLibunatic May 4, 2012 at 4:17 pm

In this day and age, I would be surprised if he wasn't.

stncmchnc May 4, 2012 at 5:39 pm

No, but he is willing to learn.

Tengu May 4, 2012 at 2:30 pm

"What a dumbass." – Hank Williams, Jr.

JerkCade May 4, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Venison with frozen peas.

BarackMyWorld May 4, 2012 at 2:30 pm

He only wears that camouflage hat to hide the fact he doesn't have a brain.

actor212 May 4, 2012 at 2:31 pm

I always blame my hate-laden outbursts filled with violent sexual imagery on my plumbing.

Baconzgood May 4, 2012 at 2:49 pm

I'm sorry I said "you're a type of person that would fuck Milosevic". I drank too much lemon aid and couldn't find the men's room.

chicken_thief May 4, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Milosevic is available?!

Goonemeritus May 4, 2012 at 2:32 pm

That reminds me of the girlfriend who stabbed me to show how much she cared.

SheriffRoscoe May 4, 2012 at 2:32 pm

He didn't rape Willow with his mouth, so Sarah Palin still lurves The Nuge.

Chill-A-Sketch May 4, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Go pee on an electric fence, ass eyes.

fitley May 4, 2012 at 7:10 pm

Ted's prison name would be "Short Eyes".

Fluffy_Kitties May 4, 2012 at 2:33 pm

LOLOL, they bleeped the shape of his lips!! Of course it is obviously an indecent orifice.

CommieLibunatic May 4, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Are you implying that it isn't? I mean, it sounded to me like he was talking out of his ass.

OurHoboSenator May 4, 2012 at 2:33 pm

But, but…Jeremiah Wright!

GOPCrusher May 4, 2012 at 4:42 pm

57 States!

MissTaken May 4, 2012 at 2:33 pm

The Nuge is reason #487 why I really don't like bad boys.

Fare la Volpe May 4, 2012 at 3:07 pm

I like bad boys with a heart of gold.

Ted Nugent has a heart of dick.

tessiee May 4, 2012 at 4:04 pm

OK, I read this in one of those relationship books, explaining why bad boys/jerks are almost always more trouble than they're worth, and it made a great impression on me, so I'll pass it along for whoever might be interested:

A relationship is not a reformatory.

GOPCrusher May 4, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?

Gleem McShineys May 4, 2012 at 6:58 pm

Bad Boys
Bad Boys
Whatcha gonna do
Whatcha gonna do
When they fellate you

MissNancyPriss May 4, 2012 at 2:33 pm

any black guy, please kick this guy's ass soon.

tessiee May 4, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Or any white guy, or, yaknow, anybody.

Fare la Volpe May 4, 2012 at 5:32 pm

Did someone say "mountain lion"?

babyeinstein May 6, 2012 at 5:39 pm

or a rainbow coalition of ladies and gheys.

edgydrifter May 4, 2012 at 2:34 pm

MCA is dead yet the Nuge still fouls the Earth. Fuck you, God.

MissNancyPriss May 4, 2012 at 2:42 pm

another horrifying example that empathy does in fact cause cancer.

CivilMcMannerly May 4, 2012 at 2:48 pm

MCA said a little something that's long overdue. The disrespect to women has got to be through.

Ted. Said something else.

Come here a minute May 4, 2012 at 2:34 pm

It's a freeforall.

PuckStopsHere May 4, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Can kidney stones be fatal?

actor212 May 4, 2012 at 2:36 pm

I suppose if you tried to shoot one out…

UnholyMoses May 4, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Painful as all holy fucking hell?

Yes. Very much so.

But causing death? Rarely.

Causing one to offer to blow and/or fuck someone? Never. Ever. At all.

WIDTAP May 4, 2012 at 3:11 pm

I don't recall being in the mood to do much of anything but groan in pain until I passed mine.

somedaysislikethat May 4, 2012 at 2:34 pm

As a person who suffers from kidney stones, it's a lie. Kidney stone removal isn't done in the ER. They'll dope you, they'll schedule you an appointment with a urologist, they might get you scheduled for a shunt. The only way he got a kidney stone removed was if he did it himself, and he AIN'T that badass.

tessiee May 4, 2012 at 4:06 pm

I'm pretty sure NO ONE is that badass.

PlanetWingNut May 4, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Ted is that bad ass he went to Vietnam after all..oh wait…

Negropolis May 4, 2012 at 11:36 pm

Well, they do use ultrasound to blast them to hell, these days. But, it has to be very bad or youo act like its very bad.

MissTaken May 4, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Kidney stones give you the uncontrollable urge to suck another man's dick

The More You Know!

SorosBot May 4, 2012 at 3:01 pm

But what turns him into a raving misogynist lunatic?

Fare la Volpe May 4, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Then Marcus Bachmann's kidney must be a fucking rock quarry.

Crank_Tango May 4, 2012 at 4:58 pm

bladder gravel libel!

PlanetWingNut May 4, 2012 at 4:35 pm

i must have kidney stones up the ass then…oh wait…

Negropolis May 4, 2012 at 11:39 pm

"Doc, I swear, he was just trying to suck the kidney stone outta there!"

Veritas78 May 5, 2012 at 5:42 pm

That explains it! But oddly, I feel no pain. Yet.

kissawookiee May 4, 2012 at 2:36 pm

and then, looking over at a female producer, “Or fuck you, how’s that sound?

I see no mention of a skull, so I think Mr. Nugent is safe from the banhammer on this one.

ibwilliamsi May 9, 2012 at 11:28 am

Wonkette has tha banhammer? I thought that was just Gawker. Or did Gawker give up on the Banhammer with their new sucky commenting system? In any case, if there is a banhammer on Wonkette, there are some folks that should be nominated for being trolls and/or stupid. I talking to you Bill Peters.

starfanglednut May 4, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Yikes!

MissTaken May 4, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Rape is rarely funny.

actor212 May 4, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Rarely?

The only one I can think of is that scene in "Top Secret!" when the bull has his way with that guy in the costume, thinking it's a heifer.

Or, that scene in "Trading Places" with the gorilla…

GOPCrusher May 4, 2012 at 4:45 pm

Or Super Troopers when one of them was pretending to fuck that bear.

BornInATrailer May 6, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Bear Fucker, do you need assistance!?

SoBeach May 4, 2012 at 3:07 pm

"Rape is rarely funny. "

Yeah, but kidney stones afflicting psychotic douche bags are comedy gold.

PlanetWingNut May 4, 2012 at 4:36 pm

a gang of black prison guys raping ted would make me cackle my ass off.

Fare la Volpe May 4, 2012 at 5:34 pm

Why black?

Dashboard Buddha May 4, 2012 at 7:30 pm

Good question. I was thinking more like neo-nazi skin heads.

Ted: Hey, heh, guys…what's up? We're all patriots here, right? Guys, what. What the hell. Now c'mon, stop that. Guys? GUYS? HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!!

sullivanst May 4, 2012 at 2:37 pm

"Thank you for bettering this interview"

I like the cut of Jeff Glor's jib.

Schmannnity May 4, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Kidney stones can go to the brain. Who knew?

tessiee May 4, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Considering where Teddy's brain is, that's no great shock.

Generation[redacted] May 4, 2012 at 2:38 pm

The Secret Service should just keep his number on speed dial.

OneDollarJuana May 4, 2012 at 2:38 pm

I feel sorry for the Nuge. At least Mel Gibson could blame the bottle, but Ted doesn't drink.

sullivanst May 4, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Maybe he should start.

spareme May 4, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Must be cause of all the drugs he didn't eat when when he was a kid.

PlanetWingNut May 4, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Who knew crapping on oneself would give one diaherra of the mouth?

Exhausted66 May 4, 2012 at 2:39 pm

"These military guys are my blood brothers."

Except, y'know when it came time to join the military.

tessiee May 4, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Yeah, didn't Ted shove peanut butter up his ass so he wouldn't be drafted?

Dashboard Buddha May 4, 2012 at 7:24 pm

Nah…that was just because he lost a bet with Frank Zappa'

GOPCrusher May 4, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Amazing how those that claim to support the troops the loudest are the same ones that tried the hardest not to be one.

fitley May 4, 2012 at 7:12 pm

"These military guys are my blood brothers."

Yeah they bled and Ted has a brother.

SorosBot May 4, 2012 at 2:39 pm

I think someone could use treatment and anti-psychotic drugs from a good shrink.

MissTaken May 4, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Me. After watching that.

SorosBot May 4, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Aw, maybe some alcohol can make that feel better.

sullivanst May 4, 2012 at 3:21 pm

I dunno. Science!

– Greg Kelly on Good Day NY, in a clip sadly no longer hosted by The Soup so you'll just have to imagine it, but it would've been really good I promise.

OneYieldRegular May 4, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Psycho cracker, qu'est-ce que c'est?

tessiee May 4, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Or an almighty kick up the ass.

Negropolis May 4, 2012 at 11:42 pm

I think someone would simply do good with a brick about the head. You know, get all back right-like, if that's even possible.

starfanglednut May 4, 2012 at 2:40 pm

Somebody should remove this guy's kidney stone through his nose.

Baconzgood May 4, 2012 at 2:40 pm

"I'M A MUTHER FUCKING NICE GOD DAMN GUY AND I'M GONNA MAKE YOU SAY IT YOU SHIT EATING COCK SUCKER OR I'LL BEAT THE FUCKING TAR OUT OF YOU"

-The Nuge-

MissTaken May 4, 2012 at 2:45 pm

How did you get the transcript of his wedding vows?

Oblios_Cap May 4, 2012 at 2:40 pm

It sounds like he shit all in his skull. Did he think they were trying to draft him to go to Afghanistan?

Veritas78 May 5, 2012 at 5:43 pm

It's clearly time for an emergency skull-fucking. Medic! We need to fuck the shit out of here! In the clinical sense.

Blueb4sunrise May 4, 2012 at 2:40 pm

Ya know, I kinda wanted to slap the reporter with a mackerel as well. Is that wrong?

chicken_thief May 4, 2012 at 3:22 pm

I don't think the reporter was pissing his pants, I got the distinct impression he was creaming his jeans just at the thought of the Nuge swallowing his cock.

SayItWithWookies May 4, 2012 at 2:40 pm

"And puppies. I fuckin' love cute little fuckin' puppies, goddammit! And I will f*(% anyone who says I don't!"

Fairtackle May 4, 2012 at 2:49 pm

"dont believe it? I fucking fist puppies! You should see all the people that bring me their dying puppies for fisting because I love them so much! I'm extreme!!"

smokefilledroommate May 4, 2012 at 2:41 pm

These military guys are my blood brothers

Yeah, they're all pants-shitting draft dodgers just like you, Ted.

BaldarTFlagass May 4, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Got you in a stranglehold baby
And then I fucked your face!

Fairtackle May 4, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Wait, Ted Kaczynski had kidney stones?

Designer_Rants May 4, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Never accept mail from The Nuge.

niblick77 May 4, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Nuge promises a better earth with a lot less animals in it when he leaves.

actor212 May 4, 2012 at 2:42 pm

That was some primo poutrage-building on the part of Nugent

imissopus May 4, 2012 at 2:42 pm

He's in Costa Rica? Well good Lord, Nuge, the socialized health care system down there can take help you out with that kidney stone right lickety-split! Also maybe some anti-psychotics, such as.

iburl May 4, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Dude's penis don't work no more.

Baconzgood May 4, 2012 at 2:53 pm

That makes both of his heads.

Extemporanus May 4, 2012 at 2:44 pm
Designer_Rants May 4, 2012 at 3:46 pm

So awesome. One of the few bands I like live better than much of their studio stuff. Also, I love the several songs on "Natural Born Killers" soundtrack that Reznor weaved this song into –that whole sequence.

Peter Gabriel And Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan – "Taboo" (Edit)
"Sex Is Violent" contains excerpts of Jane's Addiction – "Ted, Just Admit It…" and Diamanda Galás – "I Put a Spell on You"
A.O.S. – "History (Repeats Itself)" (Edit)

SoBeach May 4, 2012 at 2:45 pm

"These military guys are my blood brothers…"

Lucky for us those military guys aren't your "shit yourself to avoid serving" brothers.

Baconzgood May 4, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Ted come here for a sec. *Baconz putting his arm around him* You can't be an "extreme moderate". It's like being a straight figure eight.

sullivanst May 4, 2012 at 2:49 pm

And yet it still made more sense than The Nuge's normal.

BornInATrailer May 4, 2012 at 2:55 pm

No use. If there's one person that will be bent and straight at the same time, it's Nuge.

Wile E. Quixote May 4, 2012 at 5:59 pm

"extreme moderate?" Isn't that like saying "evangelical Unitarian?" I kind of like it though, maybe I'll run for office with the slogan "Exremism in the pursuit of moderation is no vice. Moderation in the pursuit of libertinism is no virtue."

Dashboard Buddha May 4, 2012 at 7:26 pm

Well, you can be a KKK Unitarian…but you just go around burning question marks in people's yards.

Negropolis May 4, 2012 at 11:44 pm

Oh, let me tell you, I've met more than my share of militant moderates. These are folks that straddle the fence as if it was a religion. For them, if a solution comes from the left or the right — an actual solution to an actual problem, which is something that actually happens every once in awhile — they'll denounce it up and down as partisan hackery, and then water down the solution until it creates more problems.

widestanceromance May 4, 2012 at 2:46 pm

No thanks, Ted, your mother's technique cannot be matched.

sullivanst May 4, 2012 at 2:52 pm

NANCY REAGAN LIBEL!

widestanceromance May 4, 2012 at 2:58 pm

I'm making a connection here. . .is Fellating Acumen inherited from the mother's side or the father's side? I'll be in my laboratory for the rest of the day. . .COFFEE!! Whose ass do I have to kick to get a cup of coffee here, people?

UnholyMoses May 4, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Ya know, I had a kidney stone (a pair of them, in fact!). And while they hurt like "OH MY GOD THE PAIN IS SOMETHING YOU WILL NEVER EVER UNDERSTAND UNLESS YOU'VE HAD ONE AND KILL ME FUCKING NOW TO END THIS FUCKING PAIN DEAR GOD DO IT NOW YOU SON OF BITCH!!!!11!!" …

strangely, I never offered to blow and/or rape someone.

Maybe I was doin' it wrong …

actor212 May 4, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Yea, I had one too. Sex was like the last thing on my mind, especially just after it passed.

WIDTAP May 4, 2012 at 3:18 pm

What Moses said.

thebeatgoeson May 4, 2012 at 6:18 pm

Never once, while I was rolling around on my living room floor in agony, nor when I ran from the triage area in the ER to go vomit in the bathroom (from the pain), did sex of any kind enter my mind courtesy of a kidney stone. I don't recall my then 16 y.o. daughter offering to blow the ER docs when she developed one, either. Maybe we're just weird?

Biff May 4, 2012 at 9:36 pm

Mine hit me around 2:30 AM, woke me from a dead sleep in what I was certain was something bent upon killing me. I crawled across crushed gravel on my knees to get in my car and drive myself to the ER. The nurse kinda knew what was up, gave me an IV with saline and dilaudid, and a paper bag at just the right moment. Yeah, she'd seen it all before….

Negropolis May 4, 2012 at 11:49 pm

I had them maybe a handful of times in my teens (I was getting way too much calcium at a time). I was lucky that they weren't as bad as some describe, but what I do remember is a pain in my lower back so bad, you were left prone. I'm glad that they never got stuck too much lower down the pipes for a long time like in some folks. lol

muthalovin May 4, 2012 at 2:48 pm

What a nice young man.

ratcityrebel May 4, 2012 at 2:48 pm

I think the HuffPo's headline "Ted Nugent Loses It During Interview" wrongly implies that he had anything to begin with.

SheriffRoscoe May 4, 2012 at 2:49 pm

The "God Bless You" at the end was certainly a nice, unexpected surprise.

ratcityrebel May 4, 2012 at 2:51 pm

I'll suck your dick! Or fuck you! God Bless You!

neiltheblaze May 4, 2012 at 4:29 pm

I'm sure God will get right on that. At his behest.

Chow Yun Flat May 4, 2012 at 2:49 pm

These military guys are my blood brothers.

Not really. Everyone in the military volunteered for it.

BornInATrailer May 4, 2012 at 2:50 pm

It was probably just a little heat stroke that made him want to suck some dick.

PlanetWingNut May 4, 2012 at 4:39 pm

was the reporter white then it had to be caucasian dick :)?

Negropolis May 4, 2012 at 11:51 pm

No, no, no. Heat stroke brings on racism and/or homophobia; kidney stones brings on sexual vulgarity.

meatlofer May 4, 2012 at 2:53 pm

It's past time for Ted to be taken to the Killing Fields. It's game over Asshole,Bye!

C_R_Eature May 4, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Too bad Nugent didn't go off and work out his Rage Issues in Viet Nam, when he had the chance. This just Ain't that Pretty at all.

And also: Octojizm. Just because.

Lit Happens May 4, 2012 at 2:55 pm

I fly off the handle like that whenever I hear his music. It's fucking awful.

OneYieldRegular May 4, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Come on Sarah. Show us again how proud you are to be standing next to this psycho.

prommie May 4, 2012 at 2:57 pm

That Guns and Roses album cover is way worse, way more disgusting, than the Nuge.

Had to get that out of my system. I hate GNR. Anywhoo, the Nuge reminds me of Iron Mike Tyson and the time he said to the reporter: "'I'll make you my bitch, I'll fuck you till you love me. I'll eat your children." And the reporter was a dude! Didn't even look like a lady.

chicken_thief May 4, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Mike was just prepping for prison life.

prommie May 4, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Oh, no, he had just come out of prison, I think he starts out the tirade with the famous words "I fucked guys like you in prison."

GOPCrusher May 4, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Yeah Mike certainly was the epitome of the Federal Correction System's rehabilitation program.

tessiee May 4, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Drederick Tatum: I like Homer Simpson; he's a good man; but I'm definitely gonna make orphans out of his children.
Reporter: His children have a mother, you know.
Drederick: I assume she would die of grief.

prommie May 4, 2012 at 4:46 pm

The Simpsons is my religion. Remember when Krabopple came on to Tatum, and he just said "lady, you don't want that, trust me."

tessiee May 4, 2012 at 5:36 pm

Some comedienne, can't remember whether it was Kathy Griffin, Wanda Sykes, or someone else, had to be on a talk show with Drederick, uh, Mike Tyson. She said she was sitting so far away from him that one ass cheek was completely off her chair. then he said something that scared her half to death:
"What kind of guys do you like?"
She said she was racking her brains trying to think of something to say, so as not to give him the correct answer, which was:
"NOT YOU".

tessiee May 4, 2012 at 5:34 pm

"That Guns and Roses album cover is way worse, way more disgusting, than the Nuge."

*googles image*
Oh, Robert Williams. He's been drawing images of beautiful young women being raped, tortured, and dismembered since the 1960s. He's a hack in addition to being a misogynist, so I don't expect anything else from him at this point. But you're right, it's disgusting.

Negropolis May 4, 2012 at 11:53 pm

I thought he threatened to eat Lennox Lewis' children, but he's said so much incredibly gonzo shit at press conferences I get the craziness mixed up.

pdiddycornchips May 4, 2012 at 2:58 pm

I'm confused. He claims to love 'Merca but he is hiding out in Costa Rica where he spends all of his free time taking dying children on fishing trips? Why does Ted Nugent hate American fish? And isn't Costa Rica a frequent destination for sex tourists looking for child prostitutes? Coincidence? I think not.

chicken_thief May 4, 2012 at 3:28 pm

He takes dying children on fishing trips? To use as bait?

anniegetyerfun May 4, 2012 at 3:49 pm

WAY better than those fluorescent marshmallows.

tessiee May 4, 2012 at 5:37 pm

if he doesn't catch anything, they make a nice bouillion, so it's win-win.

Tundra Grifter May 4, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Nuge reminds me of the truckdriver in the David Sedaris New Yorker piece that kept asking him if he'd like a blow job. Or would like to give one.

prommie May 4, 2012 at 4:48 pm

But with David Sedaris, asking those questions is just being polite, n'est ce pas?

Tundra Grifter May 4, 2012 at 9:40 pm

Actually, not this time. I believe that story ran in mid-2006. You'd have to read it – it really wouldn't be fair for me to summarize. I know why you ask but, this time, the correct response would be "Nope."

owhatever May 4, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Ah take them half-dead kids out to fish and they're full dead when we bring um back. Sometime I have to sexytime them in the boat because of my toenail fungus, and they're gonna die anyway so who gives a fuck, you damned cocksucker while I am a real Americangoodpersongreatman and nodamn chickenshit moderate. GOT IT YOU LIBRUL PANY ASSHOLE WHERE'S THAT SLUT PRODUCER OF YOURN??

Tundra Grifter May 4, 2012 at 3:05 pm

If I wasn't already so sure Ted Nugent is a great guy, that video would certainly convince me.

Generation[redacted] May 4, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Stand Your Ground, News Reporter!

smitallica May 4, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Jesus. Where's a fatal gun-cleaning accident when you need one?

ElPinche May 4, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Or… Breaking News: "Ted Nugent trampled to death by a pack of vigilante Elks. "

tessiee May 4, 2012 at 5:38 pm

On the other side of three or four beers, we can hope.

Chick-Fil-Atheistâ„¢ May 4, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Sorry, Editrix, but the Alt-Text is screaming "I will skullfuck you and your producer!!"

OldWhiteLies May 4, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Just the fact that I'm male and so is nugitty, makes me want to avail myself of the lavender oils and such. But prolly with a glass of single malt Scotch and not the fancy grape juice.

Wait – WIFE? Somebody PLEASE tell me this neanderthal hasn't procreated. Holy fucking fruitloops in fried falafels. My snark (what meager supply I was apparently allotted today) fails me. Nugy has a wife? A wife – really? Wait, are we sure that wasn't really his nurse/nanny? YIKES, also.

sullivanst May 4, 2012 at 3:31 pm

He's had two wives and at least one other babymamma… eight kids. *shudder*

AnAmericanInTO May 4, 2012 at 5:53 pm

And don't forget the 17 year old he adopted because he couldn't legally marry her.
http://books.google.ca/books?id=HTMuhxamaFEC&…

Stay Classy.

ElPinche May 4, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Relax libtards.. the Nuge would have just shit himself and pissed on everyone. It's his little way of getting of a jam.

slowhansolo May 4, 2012 at 3:23 pm

So!
Levon? Nuge
MCA? Nuge.
Which of my other formative, newly dead musical heroes will bring this shitter back to Wonkette's pixels?

anniegetyerfun May 4, 2012 at 3:33 pm

And that, folks, is why Nugent is such a favorite among those who cherish family values.

GOPCrusher May 4, 2012 at 4:56 pm

I'm pro-life, and I'm willing to kill to prove it.

Designer_Rants May 4, 2012 at 3:34 pm

I've got a couple of Nuges in my family. Part of the reason I talk about taboo subjects like "Barack Obama" here, and not out loud in real life.

rickmaci May 4, 2012 at 3:43 pm

We know there are no brains under that asshat he never takes off, so my guess is he is trying to cover up that he is going bald. Turd Nugget is just a bald, fat, dumb, racist, misogynistic, wacked out redneck. Really makes you want to sponsor one of his concerts, NOT.

bobloblawlawblg May 4, 2012 at 3:48 pm

He may have threatened to rape the poor interviewer, but he accomplished raping the English language. Again.

tessiee May 4, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Which is pretty much the only thing he's ever accomplished.

tessiee May 4, 2012 at 4:10 pm

He should get his kidney stones fixed by a method involving waking up in a bathtub full of ice.

Steverino247 May 4, 2012 at 4:20 pm

I don't if he needed to be itnerviewed by the Secret Service, but he definitely needs to see a psychiatrist.

spareme May 4, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Nuge could bleep*bleep*bleep. If I had one.

Once an asshole, always an asshole~

neiltheblaze May 4, 2012 at 4:38 pm

The up side to doing a geek act for 40 years is that, after awhile, there's no such thing as bad publicity.

tessiee May 4, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Newt Gingrich approves this statement.

MaxUdargo May 4, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Would somebody just give this guy his reality show already?

Nesnora May 4, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Someone give this man a fucking xanny, fucking hell…

I love how the reporter doesn't flinch because he's thinking "yes… yes… this is SO GOING VIRAL…"

chascates May 4, 2012 at 5:08 pm

A walking, talking advertisement for Prozac.

commiegirl May 4, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Dudes, I was kidding about his ranch being in Costa Rica. That's Mel Gibson's where he freaked the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck out on Joe Esterhazs. Sorry, I thought you all would get it. In other news: EXTREEEEEEME! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FO2Abp0FbA0

Wile E. Quixote May 4, 2012 at 5:54 pm

Yeah, sure you were, just like NATO was "kidding" about the capital of Illinois being Chicago. when everyone knows that it is in fact Austin. Everyone totally knows that Ted Nugent's ranch is in Narnia, and he is going to totally kill the fucking shit out of that faggot hippie lion Aslan.

BornInATrailer May 5, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Or suck Aslan's dick. Whichever.

Wile E. Quixote May 6, 2012 at 12:02 am

Wow. I never wondered about Aslan having a dick before. You know, now I'm wondering if I could make a bunch of money by writing an adult soft-core pornographic but ever so Christian-themed version of the Chronicles of Narnia. You know the sort of thing, magical kingdom, lots of Christian allegory intermixed with a light and non-controversial theological doctrine and lots of fucking and loving submission from the women and some gay stuff, but in the end all of the gays become straight, except for the women who sometimes like to have threesomes with powerful and religious men, because Jesus | Aslan | Generic Jesus-like saviour figure is OK with it. D'ya think anybody would go for that?

BornInATrailer May 6, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Well, with all those talking animals the furrys are guaranteed to buy it.

ttommyunger May 4, 2012 at 5:23 pm

No doubt this pussyfart fancies himself a heroic figure of Biblical proportions, much like a modern-day Samson. They do share a preference for the same weapon: the jawbone of an ass. And brothers? He would have to stand on his grandmother's shoulders to look any Infantryman I served with in the eye. After watching this, I'm sure thousands of concerned parents everywhere want to entrust their sick children to his benevolent and thoughtful mercies, also, too…

tessiee May 4, 2012 at 5:40 pm

"They do share a preference for the same weapon: the jawbone of an ass."

Niiiiice.

"He would have to stand on his grandmother's shoulders to look any Infantryman I served with in the eye."

And he'd do it, too! For Freedumbz!!

ttommyunger May 4, 2012 at 5:43 pm

I almost feel sorry for this ignorant turd…..almost, but not quite.

glamourdammerung May 4, 2012 at 5:36 pm

Who would have guessed a guy that coated himself in his own feces over the course of multiple days and votes Republican would have mental health issues?

stncmchnc May 4, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Just Ted, being Ted. Apologies to Manny Ramirez.

Troglodeity May 4, 2012 at 5:47 pm

The guy's so stupid he even gets his backwards insults.

Wile E. Quixote May 4, 2012 at 5:47 pm

Sure Ted, you talk real tough, but everyone knows that you were totally Tommy Shaw's bitch when you were on tour with Damn Yankees. Old Tommy used to go ass to mouth on you and while he was holding on to your ears and fucking your face he'd warble "can yoooooooouuuuuu take me hiiiiiiiggggghhheerrrrrr?" until he shot a big gooey load of Styx jism mixed with Santorum down your throat.

annasadhorse May 4, 2012 at 7:31 pm

What a puffed up fool. No clue.

lulzmonger May 4, 2012 at 10:00 pm

I'm guessing the Army was afraid that at the sight of real soldiers he'd instinctively make another poopie in his camo Manties, & ruin a perfectly good meal at the mess-hall.

An Asexual Ungulate May 4, 2012 at 10:06 pm

So… saying what he says is a no-no, but quoting him is ok? Sweet!

"I'LL SUCK YOUR FUCKING DICK!" – Ted Nugent

BZ1 May 4, 2012 at 10:27 pm

borderline crazy

Wile E. Quixote May 6, 2012 at 1:32 am

I wonder how this would work as a technique in job interviews, either as an interviewer or interviewee. Offer to orally pleasure people and then offer to fuck/rape them. It would be a lot more interesting than having to come up with an answer for "where do you see yourself in five years" or "name you greatest success/failure" again.

thefrontpage May 6, 2012 at 9:49 pm

"Everyone knows that I would gladly commit felatio acts on another male, because I've been doing this for more than 35 years," Ted Nugent exclaimed boldy in an interview with "Fabulous!" magazine, a gay magazine about gay people and gay things. "I won't name names, but I've committed felatio acts on men in rock and roll, theater, radio, television, film, burlesque, vaudeville, street performing, magic, juggling, fire-breathing, fire-swallowing, glass-swallowing, tattooing, record producing, concert promoting, architecture, engineering, nuclear physcis, medicine, law, government and politics, and marine biology." Nugent paused while he took a sip of green tea. "I especially like male marine biologists," he added.

Dildeaux May 7, 2012 at 7:53 am

Whatta punk. He calls for personal accountability for others, but obviously not for himself. His kidney stone story is a lie. Another clown who is a pefect representation of right wing lunacy.

notanncoulter May 7, 2012 at 12:51 pm

If I want some chickenhawk right wing nutbag to suck my dick, I'll call Dick Cheney or Rush.
Sorry Nuge – you're not even in the top 100; I don't want your diseased skull anywhere near my genitalia.

MrsBiggTime May 11, 2012 at 5:44 pm

I'll bet these dying kids really treasure their moments, sitting in a fishing boat with a screaming madman. Helps them face death without fear, but with anxious anticipation.

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