someone needs a midol

Ted Nugent Offers To Fellate Reporter And Rape Producer To Show That Ted Nugent Is A Damn Nice Guy

"I will better mankind"It’s funny, with all the many millions of items we have written about one Ted “The Nuge” Nugent, we were really only ever working from transcripts (and album covers) when we detailed how he constantly wants to rape Hillary Clinton with a machine gun, and et cetera. But until now we had never seen just how charming Ted Nugent gets, and into what kind of borderline-personality state he works himself. It is Mel Gibsonian in its fury and we would not go to his Costa Rica ranch for NOTHIN! Here he screams, spittle flying, while talking about all the dying children he goes fishing with, and he sort of half gets out of his seat to threaten a reporter who just sits there in his chair, very carefully not showing where he peed himself in terror. Yes, he is screaming about what a damn nice guy he is, before dropping “I’ll SUCK YOUR FUCKING DICK” and then, looking over at a female producer, “Or fuck you, how’s that sound?” Bad? It sounds bad? And like a violation of the Wonkette Commenting Rules for Radicals?

Here is your CBS video of Ted Nugent scaring the everlovin’ piss out of us. According to the reporter, when the interview was over, The Nuge’s wife (Jesus, can you imagine?) came in and said he needed to apologize to the lady producer for screaming at her that he would fuck her. And then he sort of did, and then later he claimed he’d had a kidney stone. Then they played it for the Romney campaign, and the Romney campaign was all “Fellows should be civil,” the end. We are going to go take a bath now, with some soothing lavender oil probably, and then have a morning glass of syrah.

[CBS, via Towleroad]

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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    1. actor212

      Imma think he has a case of guitourettes*, caused by one too many humbuckers.

      * I can't claim credit. A buddy of mine came up with that when we used to play clubs in the 80s and everyone was so over antagonizing the audience except this one dick….

  1. skoalrebel

    That TV crew got one nasty surprise, sorta like expecting a fart and ending up with a dump. [spit!] Don't mess with a true patriot, cuz Mr. Nugent is a real rebel. Freedom!!

    1. CommieLibunatic

      Didn't he literally not bathe for a month and crap himself to avoid getting drafted into Vietnam? Like a real Merikan?

    1. MaxUdargo

      I think it was careful tactical planning. Before they get to the topic of the Army cancelling his concert and the inevitable questions about how he avoided service in Vietnam, he has to stage an angry, borderline violent freakout. That way the question never comes. Suddenly keenly aware that he is sitting somewhere out in the boonies on the front lawn of a heavily-armed, deranged, rage fiend, the reporter just wants to get back to the city alive.

  2. BarackMyWorld

    He only wears that camouflage hat to hide the fact he doesn't have a brain.

    1. Baconzgood

      I'm sorry I said "you're a type of person that would fuck Milosevic". I drank too much lemon aid and couldn't find the men's room.

  3. Goonemeritus

    That reminds me of the girlfriend who stabbed me to show how much she cared.

  4. SheriffRoscoe

    He didn't rape Willow with his mouth, so Sarah Palin still lurves The Nuge.

  5. Fluffy_Kitties

    LOLOL, they bleeped the shape of his lips!! Of course it is obviously an indecent orifice.

    1. CommieLibunatic

      Are you implying that it isn't? I mean, it sounded to me like he was talking out of his ass.

    1. tessiee

      OK, I read this in one of those relationship books, explaining why bad boys/jerks are almost always more trouble than they're worth, and it made a great impression on me, so I'll pass it along for whoever might be interested:

      A relationship is not a reformatory.

      1. Gleem McShineys

        Bad Boys
        Bad Boys
        Whatcha gonna do
        Whatcha gonna do
        When they fellate you

    1. CivilMcMannerly

      MCA said a little something that's long overdue. The disrespect to women has got to be through.

      Ted. Said something else.

    1. UnholyMoses

      Painful as all holy fucking hell?

      Yes. Very much so.

      But causing death? Rarely.

      Causing one to offer to blow and/or fuck someone? Never. Ever. At all.

      1. WIDTAP

        I don't recall being in the mood to do much of anything but groan in pain until I passed mine.

  6. somedaysislikethat

    As a person who suffers from kidney stones, it's a lie. Kidney stone removal isn't done in the ER. They'll dope you, they'll schedule you an appointment with a urologist, they might get you scheduled for a shunt. The only way he got a kidney stone removed was if he did it himself, and he AIN'T that badass.

    1. Negropolis

      Well, they do use ultrasound to blast them to hell, these days. But, it has to be very bad or youo act like its very bad.

  7. MissTaken

    Kidney stones give you the uncontrollable urge to suck another man's dick

    The More You Know!

  8. kissawookiee

    and then, looking over at a female producer, “Or fuck you, how’s that sound?

    I see no mention of a skull, so I think Mr. Nugent is safe from the banhammer on this one.

    1. ibwilliamsi

      Wonkette has tha banhammer? I thought that was just Gawker. Or did Gawker give up on the Banhammer with their new sucky commenting system? In any case, if there is a banhammer on Wonkette, there are some folks that should be nominated for being trolls and/or stupid. I talking to you Bill Peters.

    1. actor212


      The only one I can think of is that scene in "Top Secret!" when the bull has his way with that guy in the costume, thinking it's a heifer.

      Or, that scene in "Trading Places" with the gorilla…

    2. SoBeach

      "Rape is rarely funny. "

      Yeah, but kidney stones afflicting psychotic douche bags are comedy gold.

        1. Dashboard Buddha

          Good question. I was thinking more like neo-nazi skin heads.

          Ted: Hey, heh, guys…what's up? We're all patriots here, right? Guys, what. What the hell. Now c'mon, stop that. Guys? GUYS? HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!!

  9. sullivanst

    "Thank you for bettering this interview"

    I like the cut of Jeff Glor's jib.

  10. OneDollarJuana

    I feel sorry for the Nuge. At least Mel Gibson could blame the bottle, but Ted doesn't drink.

  11. Exhausted66

    "These military guys are my blood brothers."

    Except, y'know when it came time to join the military.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Amazing how those that claim to support the troops the loudest are the same ones that tried the hardest not to be one.

    2. fitley

      "These military guys are my blood brothers."

      Yeah they bled and Ted has a brother.

  12. SorosBot

    I think someone could use treatment and anti-psychotic drugs from a good shrink.

        1. sullivanst

          I dunno. Science!

          — Greg Kelly on Good Day NY, in a clip sadly no longer hosted by The Soup so you'll just have to imagine it, but it would've been really good I promise.

    1. Negropolis

      I think someone would simply do good with a brick about the head. You know, get all back right-like, if that's even possible.

  13. Baconzgood


    -The Nuge-

  14. Oblios_Cap

    It sounds like he shit all in his skull. Did he think they were trying to draft him to go to Afghanistan?

    1. Veritas78

      It's clearly time for an emergency skull-fucking. Medic! We need to fuck the shit out of here! In the clinical sense.

  15. Blueb4sunrise

    Ya know, I kinda wanted to slap the reporter with a mackerel as well. Is that wrong?

    1. chicken_thief

      I don't think the reporter was pissing his pants, I got the distinct impression he was creaming his jeans just at the thought of the Nuge swallowing his cock.

  16. SayItWithWookies

    "And puppies. I fuckin' love cute little fuckin' puppies, goddammit! And I will f*(% anyone who says I don't!"

    1. Fairtackle

      "dont believe it? I fucking fist puppies! You should see all the people that bring me their dying puppies for fisting because I love them so much! I'm extreme!!"

  17. imissopus

    He's in Costa Rica? Well good Lord, Nuge, the socialized health care system down there can take help you out with that kidney stone right lickety-split! Also maybe some anti-psychotics, such as.

  18. SoBeach

    "These military guys are my blood brothers…"

    Lucky for us those military guys aren't your "shit yourself to avoid serving" brothers.

  19. Baconzgood

    Ted come here for a sec. *Baconz putting his arm around him* You can't be an "extreme moderate". It's like being a straight figure eight.

    1. BornInATrailer

      No use. If there's one person that will be bent and straight at the same time, it's Nuge.

    2. Wile E. Quixote

      "extreme moderate?" Isn't that like saying "evangelical Unitarian?" I kind of like it though, maybe I'll run for office with the slogan "Exremism in the pursuit of moderation is no vice. Moderation in the pursuit of libertinism is no virtue."

      1. Dashboard Buddha

        Well, you can be a KKK Unitarian…but you just go around burning question marks in people's yards.

    3. Negropolis

      Oh, let me tell you, I've met more than my share of militant moderates. These are folks that straddle the fence as if it was a religion. For them, if a solution comes from the left or the right — an actual solution to an actual problem, which is something that actually happens every once in awhile — they'll denounce it up and down as partisan hackery, and then water down the solution until it creates more problems.

      1. widestanceromance

        I'm making a connection here. . .is Fellating Acumen inherited from the mother's side or the father's side? I'll be in my laboratory for the rest of the day. . .COFFEE!! Whose ass do I have to kick to get a cup of coffee here, people?

  20. UnholyMoses


    strangely, I never offered to blow and/or rape someone.

    Maybe I was doin' it wrong …

      1. thebeatgoeson

        Never once, while I was rolling around on my living room floor in agony, nor when I ran from the triage area in the ER to go vomit in the bathroom (from the pain), did sex of any kind enter my mind courtesy of a kidney stone. I don't recall my then 16 y.o. daughter offering to blow the ER docs when she developed one, either. Maybe we're just weird?

        1. Biff

          Mine hit me around 2:30 AM, woke me from a dead sleep in what I was certain was something bent upon killing me. I crawled across crushed gravel on my knees to get in my car and drive myself to the ER. The nurse kinda knew what was up, gave me an IV with saline and dilaudid, and a paper bag at just the right moment. Yeah, she'd seen it all before….

    1. Negropolis

      I had them maybe a handful of times in my teens (I was getting way too much calcium at a time). I was lucky that they weren't as bad as some describe, but what I do remember is a pain in my lower back so bad, you were left prone. I'm glad that they never got stuck too much lower down the pipes for a long time like in some folks. lol

  21. ratcityrebel

    I think the HuffPo's headline "Ted Nugent Loses It During Interview" wrongly implies that he had anything to begin with.

  22. SheriffRoscoe

    The "God Bless You" at the end was certainly a nice, unexpected surprise.

  23. BornInATrailer

    It was probably just a little heat stroke that made him want to suck some dick.

    1. Negropolis

      No, no, no. Heat stroke brings on racism and/or homophobia; kidney stones brings on sexual vulgarity.

  24. meatlofer

    It's past time for Ted to be taken to the Killing Fields. It's game over Asshole,Bye!

  25. OneYieldRegular

    Come on Sarah. Show us again how proud you are to be standing next to this psycho.

  26. prommie

    That Guns and Roses album cover is way worse, way more disgusting, than the Nuge.

    Had to get that out of my system. I hate GNR. Anywhoo, the Nuge reminds me of Iron Mike Tyson and the time he said to the reporter: "'I'll make you my bitch, I'll fuck you till you love me. I'll eat your children." And the reporter was a dude! Didn't even look like a lady.

      1. prommie

        Oh, no, he had just come out of prison, I think he starts out the tirade with the famous words "I fucked guys like you in prison."

        1. GOPCrusher

          Yeah Mike certainly was the epitome of the Federal Correction System's rehabilitation program.

    1. tessiee

      Drederick Tatum: I like Homer Simpson; he's a good man; but I'm definitely gonna make orphans out of his children.
      Reporter: His children have a mother, you know.
      Drederick: I assume she would die of grief.

      1. prommie

        The Simpsons is my religion. Remember when Krabopple came on to Tatum, and he just said "lady, you don't want that, trust me."

        1. tessiee

          Some comedienne, can't remember whether it was Kathy Griffin, Wanda Sykes, or someone else, had to be on a talk show with Drederick, uh, Mike Tyson. She said she was sitting so far away from him that one ass cheek was completely off her chair. then he said something that scared her half to death:
          "What kind of guys do you like?"
          She said she was racking her brains trying to think of something to say, so as not to give him the correct answer, which was:
          "NOT YOU".

    2. tessiee

      "That Guns and Roses album cover is way worse, way more disgusting, than the Nuge."

      *googles image*
      Oh, Robert Williams. He's been drawing images of beautiful young women being raped, tortured, and dismembered since the 1960s. He's a hack in addition to being a misogynist, so I don't expect anything else from him at this point. But you're right, it's disgusting.

    3. Negropolis

      I thought he threatened to eat Lennox Lewis' children, but he's said so much incredibly gonzo shit at press conferences I get the craziness mixed up.

  27. pdiddycornchips

    I'm confused. He claims to love 'Merca but he is hiding out in Costa Rica where he spends all of his free time taking dying children on fishing trips? Why does Ted Nugent hate American fish? And isn't Costa Rica a frequent destination for sex tourists looking for child prostitutes? Coincidence? I think not.

  28. Tundra Grifter

    Nuge reminds me of the truckdriver in the David Sedaris New Yorker piece that kept asking him if he'd like a blow job. Or would like to give one.

    1. prommie

      But with David Sedaris, asking those questions is just being polite, n'est ce pas?

      1. Tundra Grifter

        Actually, not this time. I believe that story ran in mid-2006. You'd have to read it – it really wouldn't be fair for me to summarize. I know why you ask but, this time, the correct response would be "Nope."

  29. owhatever

    Ah take them half-dead kids out to fish and they're full dead when we bring um back. Sometime I have to sexytime them in the boat because of my toenail fungus, and they're gonna die anyway so who gives a fuck, you damned cocksucker while I am a real Americangoodpersongreatman and nodamn chickenshit moderate. GOT IT YOU LIBRUL PANY ASSHOLE WHERE'S THAT SLUT PRODUCER OF YOURN??

  30. Tundra Grifter

    If I wasn't already so sure Ted Nugent is a great guy, that video would certainly convince me.

    1. ElPinche

      Or… Breaking News: "Ted Nugent trampled to death by a pack of vigilante Elks. "

  31. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    Sorry, Editrix, but the Alt-Text is screaming "I will skullfuck you and your producer!!"

  32. OldWhiteLies

    Just the fact that I'm male and so is nugitty, makes me want to avail myself of the lavender oils and such. But prolly with a glass of single malt Scotch and not the fancy grape juice.

    Wait – WIFE? Somebody PLEASE tell me this neanderthal hasn't procreated. Holy fucking fruitloops in fried falafels. My snark (what meager supply I was apparently allotted today) fails me. Nugy has a wife? A wife – really? Wait, are we sure that wasn't really his nurse/nanny? YIKES, also.

    1. sullivanst

      He's had two wives and at least one other babymamma… eight kids. *shudder*

  33. ElPinche

    Relax libtards.. the Nuge would have just shit himself and pissed on everyone. It's his little way of getting of a jam.

  34. slowhansolo

    Levon? Nuge
    MCA? Nuge.
    Which of my other formative, newly dead musical heroes will bring this shitter back to Wonkette's pixels?

  35. anniegetyerfun

    And that, folks, is why Nugent is such a favorite among those who cherish family values.

  36. Designer_Rants

    I've got a couple of Nuges in my family. Part of the reason I talk about taboo subjects like "Barack Obama" here, and not out loud in real life.

  37. rickmaci

    We know there are no brains under that asshat he never takes off, so my guess is he is trying to cover up that he is going bald. Turd Nugget is just a bald, fat, dumb, racist, misogynistic, wacked out redneck. Really makes you want to sponsor one of his concerts, NOT.

  38. bobloblawlawblg

    He may have threatened to rape the poor interviewer, but he accomplished raping the English language. Again.

  39. tessiee

    He should get his kidney stones fixed by a method involving waking up in a bathtub full of ice.

  40. Steverino247

    I don't if he needed to be itnerviewed by the Secret Service, but he definitely needs to see a psychiatrist.

  41. spareme

    Nuge could bleep*bleep*bleep. If I had one.

    Once an asshole, always an asshole~

  42. neiltheblaze

    The up side to doing a geek act for 40 years is that, after awhile, there's no such thing as bad publicity.

  43. Nesnora

    Someone give this man a fucking xanny, fucking hell…

    I love how the reporter doesn't flinch because he's thinking "yes… yes… this is SO GOING VIRAL…"

  44. commiegirl

    Dudes, I was kidding about his ranch being in Costa Rica. That's Mel Gibson's where he freaked the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck out on Joe Esterhazs. Sorry, I thought you all would get it. In other news: EXTREEEEEEME!

        1. Wile E. Quixote

          Wow. I never wondered about Aslan having a dick before. You know, now I'm wondering if I could make a bunch of money by writing an adult soft-core pornographic but ever so Christian-themed version of the Chronicles of Narnia. You know the sort of thing, magical kingdom, lots of Christian allegory intermixed with a light and non-controversial theological doctrine and lots of fucking and loving submission from the women and some gay stuff, but in the end all of the gays become straight, except for the women who sometimes like to have threesomes with powerful and religious men, because Jesus | Aslan | Generic Jesus-like saviour figure is OK with it. D'ya think anybody would go for that?

          1. BornInATrailer

            Well, with all those talking animals the furrys are guaranteed to buy it.

  45. ttommyunger

    No doubt this pussyfart fancies himself a heroic figure of Biblical proportions, much like a modern-day Samson. They do share a preference for the same weapon: the jawbone of an ass. And brothers? He would have to stand on his grandmother's shoulders to look any Infantryman I served with in the eye. After watching this, I'm sure thousands of concerned parents everywhere want to entrust their sick children to his benevolent and thoughtful mercies, also, too…

    1. tessiee

      "They do share a preference for the same weapon: the jawbone of an ass."


      "He would have to stand on his grandmother's shoulders to look any Infantryman I served with in the eye."

      And he'd do it, too! For Freedumbz!!

  46. glamourdammerung

    Who would have guessed a guy that coated himself in his own feces over the course of multiple days and votes Republican would have mental health issues?

  47. Wile E. Quixote

    Sure Ted, you talk real tough, but everyone knows that you were totally Tommy Shaw's bitch when you were on tour with Damn Yankees. Old Tommy used to go ass to mouth on you and while he was holding on to your ears and fucking your face he'd warble "can yoooooooouuuuuu take me hiiiiiiiggggghhheerrrrrr?" until he shot a big gooey load of Styx jism mixed with Santorum down your throat.

  48. lulzmonger

    I'm guessing the Army was afraid that at the sight of real soldiers he'd instinctively make another poopie in his camo Manties, & ruin a perfectly good meal at the mess-hall.

  49. An Asexual Ungulate

    So… saying what he says is a no-no, but quoting him is ok? Sweet!


  50. Wile E. Quixote

    I wonder how this would work as a technique in job interviews, either as an interviewer or interviewee. Offer to orally pleasure people and then offer to fuck/rape them. It would be a lot more interesting than having to come up with an answer for "where do you see yourself in five years" or "name you greatest success/failure" again.

  51. thefrontpage

    "Everyone knows that I would gladly commit felatio acts on another male, because I've been doing this for more than 35 years," Ted Nugent exclaimed boldy in an interview with "Fabulous!" magazine, a gay magazine about gay people and gay things. "I won't name names, but I've committed felatio acts on men in rock and roll, theater, radio, television, film, burlesque, vaudeville, street performing, magic, juggling, fire-breathing, fire-swallowing, glass-swallowing, tattooing, record producing, concert promoting, architecture, engineering, nuclear physcis, medicine, law, government and politics, and marine biology." Nugent paused while he took a sip of green tea. "I especially like male marine biologists," he added.

  52. Dildeaux

    Whatta punk. He calls for personal accountability for others, but obviously not for himself. His kidney stone story is a lie. Another clown who is a pefect representation of right wing lunacy.

  53. notanncoulter

    If I want some chickenhawk right wing nutbag to suck my dick, I'll call Dick Cheney or Rush.
    Sorry Nuge – you're not even in the top 100; I don't want your diseased skull anywhere near my genitalia.

  54. MrsBiggTime

    I'll bet these dying kids really treasure their moments, sitting in a fishing boat with a screaming madman. Helps them face death without fear, but with anxious anticipation.

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