JACK ABRAMOFF WALKS INTO A BAR  5:15 pm May 3, 2012

Felonious American Hero Jack Abramoff: G-d Does Not Care For ‘Truth’ And/Or ‘Peace’

by Matthew Phelan

You dirty rats!Did you know that God kicked some angel named/representing Truth out of Heaven? It was way back in Genesis times. Evidently, Truth was all like, “If you create that Adam guy, he’s gonna make all these other humans who are just gonna start lying and fighting each other.” Then, God was like, “Truth, you’re fired.”

Our favorite Meyer Lansky cosplayer — Republican ex-con and ex-lobbyist Jack Abramoff — knows this story. AND: he’s gotten his EXPLOSIVE REVELATIONS published by the only news outlet with the huevos to speak English and fuck the Truth. Por supuesto, we are talking about World Net Daily.

So, um, as quickly as possible, here is why this is happening: Last November, the lovable wingnuts at World Net Daily published Jack Abramoff’s book. Forget the title, but it’s something like Faustian Bargain: Why You Need My Criminal Genius To Fix Washington (Hire Me!). They have since given him a column, for some reason. (If you guessed that the reason was “to advertise his book in the author bio,” that would be an okay guess.)

Abramoff’s amazing tale of Truth’s insubordination to God and subsequent sacking by God appeared as a non sequitur in his WND column yesterday — a column which was otherwise concerned with extolling the benefits of congressional gridlock. The story comes from the Midrash Rabbah, a collection of incredibly old rabbinic homilies expanding on passages from the Torah and other such Hebrew things. We can’t stress this enough: Abramoff’s deep-cut about Genesis-era Yahweh does nothing to further his argument about legislative inaction.

Its presence would be completely baffling, if the subtext weren’t so crazy obvious. We are never to forget, dear readers, that Abramoff is a contrite and observant religious person who no longer bilks entire Native American tribes and then gloats about it via email. He went to prison, but is now here to save the day, like Nicolas Cage in Con Air!!1!!

Deploying the magic of changing the subject, Abramoff then talks about this angel named/representing Peace, who is also in this particular Midrash Rabbah story, and whom Abramoff thinks God should’ve also fired. As you know, when things are peaceful and civil in Congress, they pass laws and make government do stuff, which is terrible cuz all gubmintz is terrible.

That’s it. That is the entirety of Jack Abramoff’s message in this column.

You do not need to read it — unless maybe you’re studying for the GREs, because Abramoff came here to dazzle you with his literary pyrotechnics. You see, in your “perfervid prayers” for a decently functioning legislature, you are pining for a “Panglossian” dreamland. Only by listening to a reformed arch-corruptionist like Abramoff can we correct the course of our “moliminous ship of state.” Please feel free to assume that Abramoff wrote this with 17 dictionary.com tabs open.

You get the impression reading him discuss “truckling Republican myrmidons” that Abramoff basically got mad jealous reading Thomas Frank eloquently scold him in the pages of Harper’s magazine and that book the Wrecking Crew. You can imagine Abramoff fuming with envious rage as Frank describes his “swaggering truculence” and calls him the Right’s “bully messiah.” “You gonna H. L. Mencken me, Tommy?!” Abramoff mumbles to himself, in the ’40s mobster voice he always uses in private. “Well, I’m gonna out Mencken all of youz! Watch this, wiseguys: ‘Today’s legislators were never traduced like their descendants.’ Now THAT’S good prose. Sit on it, Alinskyites!”

Seriously: How much longer does Jack have to suffer at WND, before he gets to write for The Daily Caller with his patrician BFF Tucker Carlson? (TCarl got to throw Abramoff his book party, thus giving the Internet one of the best desktop wallpapers of all time.)

I mean, COME ON, PPL! These columns are hot, raw gold! You don’t just give em away to WND!

 
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{ 103 comments }

Barb May 3, 2012 at 5:17 pm

Jack Abramoff, you incomplete me. Then again, I'm ashamed of what I've done for a Klondike Bar. I guess we're even.

rickmaci May 3, 2012 at 5:36 pm

Yah. I'm embarrassed by what I did in the Klondike Bar, too.

Barb May 3, 2012 at 5:40 pm

What would that be?

rickmaci May 3, 2012 at 5:43 pm

I'm just going to say karaoke and Wayne Newton, and leave it at that.

Numbat_Dundee May 3, 2012 at 6:04 pm

"Danke schon?" Is that you, meine liebling? Why do you never call?

Not_So_Much May 3, 2012 at 5:22 pm

DC has liars?

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 3, 2012 at 5:58 pm

It's pronounced "lawyers," dear.

Negropolis May 3, 2012 at 9:46 pm

WIN

He was saying "boo urns", my dear. Boo urns.

el_donaldo May 3, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Jack Abramoff, Tom Delay, and Ralph Reed walk into a bar. The fact that they are able to walk and enjoy themselves proves that there is no God. No God. This is not a joke.

ttommyunger May 4, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Thank you for remembering Ralph Reed, one of the smarmiest, crookedest most hypocritical cocksuckers on the planet.

Lucidamente1 May 3, 2012 at 5:24 pm

I guess somebody had to be the Jewish Charles Colson.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 3, 2012 at 8:56 pm

Haven't the felons suffered enough?

WunkRocker May 4, 2012 at 8:29 am

Looks forward to the day when him an G Gordon Liddy can have a regularly televised circle jerk.

elviouslyqueer May 3, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Oy. STFU, you putz.

rickmaci May 3, 2012 at 5:25 pm

I've seen that pic over and over. But today was the first time I really looked at it. Damn if that guy isn't wearing a bullet proof vest under the trench coat. Check the lines at the arm pits.

widestanceromance May 3, 2012 at 5:31 pm

Good catch. Too bad his bunghole did not have one in prison.

Doktor StrangeZoom May 3, 2012 at 6:00 pm

No, really, could we just not do rape jokes at all, please?

widestanceromance May 4, 2012 at 10:26 am

'k

Jeri 2.0 May 3, 2012 at 6:52 pm

Or it's his spandex tankini top meant to bind up those moobs.

widestanceromance May 3, 2012 at 5:26 pm

"He" also does not care for 500 lbs. of criminal in a 10-lb. coat.

AlterNewt May 3, 2012 at 5:26 pm

He seems like a very nice man and I wish him all the best.

elviouslyqueer May 3, 2012 at 5:27 pm

Bless his little criminalizing, word-butchering, prison-soap-grabbing heart.

Negropolis May 3, 2012 at 9:48 pm

…AlterNewt said with a sarcastic acid powerful enough to wear down a (whore)diamond.

AlterNewt May 3, 2012 at 10:23 pm

Yes.

Lascauxcaveman May 3, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Eh. All these big words and literary references from a lobbyist who thought Animal Farm was a how-to manual.

widestanceromance May 3, 2012 at 5:27 pm

Did Ted Baxter ghostwrite this?

edgydrifter May 3, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Not that I needed more evidence that God favors sociopaths, but thanks for the heads-up, Jack.

MissTaken May 3, 2012 at 5:28 pm

So according to Abramoff, God, like himself, is a dick. Got it!

edgydrifter May 3, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Created in his own image–it says so right in Genesis!

SorosBot May 3, 2012 at 5:36 pm

Just read the Bible; that Yahweh is a total dick, going around flooding the world, blowing up cities, ordering genocides, promoting horrific crimes against humanity and calling it moral; he's horrible.

Doktor StrangeZoom May 3, 2012 at 6:03 pm

Srsly. One of the best ways to evangelize for atheism is to encourage people to read their religions' central texts.

ThundercatHo May 3, 2012 at 7:26 pm

That's why children are taught what the bible "tells me so" before they are old enough to read the text. When one is mature enough to have questions of their clergy then they are told to "take it on faith" because nonbelievers are sinners and going to hell. The best part is that if you are a believer then no matter how big an asshole you have been then you get an automatic ticket to heaven. Biggest scam of all.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 4, 2012 at 3:07 am

This is why budding Scientologists don't get the wackadoodle Xenu tale until they have at least $100k invested in the scam.

MissTaken May 3, 2012 at 5:29 pm

Sure, WND could've brown-nosed Mittens yesterday, but instead they showed their integrity by publishing words of Abramoff.

EtchySketchy May 3, 2012 at 5:29 pm

I liked him in Spy vs Spy but now he's just a douche.

cheetojeebus May 3, 2012 at 5:30 pm

jeebus, meat loaf again? can we get take out?

fartknocker May 3, 2012 at 5:30 pm

When one goes to prison, is their a gang of has-been white collar criminals who sit around see who can find the most esoteric adjectives in Websters? Good Lord, this WTF dribble is like The Princess of Wasilla attempting to explain Bernoulli's Principle of Fluid Dynamics.

weejee May 3, 2012 at 5:54 pm

And speaking of fluid dynamics, Abramoff's pitot tube froze-over many years ago, and just like Air France Flight 447 he's likely to eventually have a hard landing.

hagajim May 3, 2012 at 5:32 pm

extolling the benefits of congressional gridlock

Lots of benefits to gridlock when you are a sleaze peddler like Jacky boy. I mean, how much monies can you make off your corporate overlords by lobbying on their behalf when you know damn well nothing is gonna happen. I just billed 10 hours for lobbying those salted dicks in Congress and I didn't really do shit!

elviouslyqueer May 3, 2012 at 5:32 pm

DAMMIT, Matthew. That "desktop wallpaper" picture single-handedly killed all the plants in my office, frightened several innocent passers-by, and made my dog scream.

valthemus May 3, 2012 at 11:58 pm

A new desktop wallpaper? How nice! I'll just click the link and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! OH DEAR GOD!!! GET THEE BEHIND ME!!! GET THEE BEHIND MEEEEEEE!!!!

drrty_martini May 4, 2012 at 12:40 am

Just focus on the bookshelf. Or not…the books are ordered in a creepy way…broken up by pictures of children. Fuck. Everything about that picture reminds me I need more gin and need to make sure nobody takes my picture.

arduinohacker May 3, 2012 at 5:32 pm

Abramoff's just another quotidian Republican dissembler, your basic Rush, Tucker, Coulter, only this one adumbrates the recondite, sage, or sapient attributes of your basic WF Buckley, only to bamboozle, beat, beguile, betray, bilk, or buffalo the reader, lector, peruser, reciter, or scholar

elviouslyqueer May 3, 2012 at 5:37 pm

Do, rudeness; do, camel; do, do!

Biel_ze_Bubba May 4, 2012 at 3:28 am

Camel doodoo? Yeah, that's the stuff.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 3, 2012 at 5:32 pm

So, in the end, God is OK with grifting?

SayItWithWookies May 3, 2012 at 5:33 pm

Jack, when everyone in Congress was agreeing with everyone and working together, it was the Republicans who were running the show and their venality and childishness made you a rich motherfucker. So don't pretend you're against cooperation when in reality you're just against the Democrats getting what they want.

Maybe you should get thrown back into the slammer until you're really reformed. And if that never happens, why that's a risk society'll just have to take.

PuckStopsHere May 3, 2012 at 5:34 pm

Hey, watch it. "Swaggering Truculence" is my porn name!

Boojum May 3, 2012 at 8:51 pm

Mine is Sniggering Tumescence. Is that bad?

imissopus May 3, 2012 at 9:30 pm

Better than Dripping Tumescence.

EtchySketchy May 3, 2012 at 5:36 pm

List of things God hates, according to Republicans: Truth, Gays, Women, Liberals, Obama, Condoms, Non-Americans, Gun activists, Non-fossil fuels, More Obama.

List of things God actually hates: Republicans.

weejee May 3, 2012 at 5:37 pm

Today’s legislators were never traduced like their descendants

Which is why WND allows Jack-off Abramoff to tradouche us today.

SorosBot May 3, 2012 at 5:37 pm

Why is it that so many criminals, when caught and sent to jail, claim that they've been reformed by becoming delusional, believing in ridiculous childish fairy tails and imaginary friends?

Dudleydidwrong May 3, 2012 at 10:09 pm

Because its the way that this culture says "welcome back–you're healed. Now you're one of us." And they come out of prison, shake hands, smile, genuflect (or in Abramoff's case get re-circumcised) and start their grifting again. Religion, not patriotism, is the last refuge of an American scoundrel.

Nesnora May 4, 2012 at 11:34 am

"Religion, not patriotism, is the last refuge of an American scoundrel. "

You need more up-fists for that. Well said.

A friend of mine went to prison for "intent to sell" some weed in 1975 and spend 10 years inside. He got out, still a non-believer. But he said something to the effect: "You always knew who the worst, fucked-up motherfuckers in there were because they prayed the hardest…"

ifthethunderdontgetya May 3, 2012 at 5:42 pm

He went to prison, but is now here to save the day, like Nicolas Cage in Con Air!!1!!

Needs more splosions.
~

Stevola May 4, 2012 at 12:59 am

Any other day, that'd be unusual.

BarackMyWorld May 3, 2012 at 5:45 pm

A few of his Congressional homies are still in office, you know.

sbj1964 May 3, 2012 at 5:50 pm

The Republicains ,and the old Testament go hand in hand!Except now they are being drownd in their own Bullshit.

Generation[redacted] May 3, 2012 at 5:50 pm

Meh. I'll wait for the Chuck Norris version.

Boojum May 4, 2012 at 9:03 am

Chuck Norris puts God in prison.

Doktor StrangeZoom May 3, 2012 at 5:52 pm

Seems to me that Abramoff and the House Republicans fit more into the narrative tradition of stories about the Wise Men of Chelm than the Midrash Rabbah.

swordfis May 3, 2012 at 7:51 pm

More like the Wise Guys of Chelm.

Antispandex May 3, 2012 at 5:54 pm

Ok, now I am seriously confused. I thought you went to prison to find Allah, not Yawhew…and where does one go to find Jesus these days? Oh yeah, and don't tell me you go to some dippy protestant church either, because that is just crazy!

Boojum May 4, 2012 at 9:03 am

Jesus finds Chuck Norris.

Dashboard Buddha May 3, 2012 at 6:02 pm

Put some granny glasses on him and he'd look like the Gestapo face melting dude from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

WhatTheHeck May 3, 2012 at 6:12 pm

In his black Fedora and trench coat, he looks like an angel… of death.

sullivanst May 3, 2012 at 7:51 pm

Could be the White Angel, but needz moar dentistry.

Boojum May 4, 2012 at 9:04 am

As crooked as he is, I think you meant "angle".

OneYieldRegular May 3, 2012 at 6:28 pm

That world net sure catches some weird fish.

barto May 3, 2012 at 6:31 pm

And we have our next William Freakin Buckley, JR. Good on you, Jacko.

Guppy May 3, 2012 at 6:37 pm

The story comes from the Midrash Rabbah

Therefore it has as much to do with King James' as On the Origin of Species.

At any rate, the man has paid his debt to society. Set him up in a foreclosed home in New Jersey as a halfway house. Oh, wait…

Arken May 3, 2012 at 6:48 pm

Why is this guy still being allowed to have a platform when Anthony Weiner's career died over an affair that involved no physical contact?

sullivanst May 3, 2012 at 7:51 pm

You know exactly why.

LesBontemps May 3, 2012 at 6:59 pm

Well, Jack does have something of a point, but to the extent that governments are terrible, it's mostly because of people like Jack Abramoff.

sullivanst May 3, 2012 at 7:37 pm

Maybe he should've stuck to using the words he knows, because he doesn't appear to be using the big ones right, because back in the day politicians used to traduce the fuck out of each other. Either that, or he's just an ignorant fuck. Oh yeah, that's it, he's just an ignorant fuck: gridlock has never been this bad, as the statistics well prove. Well, he might be a lying fuck I guess, but he's probably all of them, Katie.

Also, someone probably ought to point out to Jackass that if gridlock prevents Congress from passing any bills, that prevents them from buying any military equipment (including ammunition) and from paying troops. That kinda weakens our defenses. And given society isn't a dude, I don't know how one would go about emasculating it.

Besides, what's a Jewish doing writing about the End Times? I thought that was a New Testament feverdream.

And that's all the very brief skimming of WND my stomach can stand for this decade.

MosesInvests May 3, 2012 at 7:55 pm

Oy. This putz gives new meaning to the phrase "A shandeh fahr de goyim". Standing traditional Rabbinic exigesis on its head to justify his grifting? This fits the Jewish definition of blasphemy-no snark here, at all.
The point of that story from the Midrash was to point out God's mercy-that if the world was judged according to strict justice and truth, there's no way that humans could survive. It was not-I repeat, not-a justification for bullshitting. Mamzer.

Jukesgrrl May 3, 2012 at 8:20 pm

I need a translator. I get the Nicolas Cage part, but I don't want to see Abramoff wearing a wife beater.

mavenmaven May 3, 2012 at 8:40 pm

He wasn't satisfied perjuring congress, so he had to perjure Jewish tradition as well. What great goal will Abramoff accomplish next?

Boojum May 4, 2012 at 9:06 am

Suborning Mother Nature.

CivicHoliday May 3, 2012 at 8:55 pm

Obama-style love letter FAIL

Designer_Rants May 3, 2012 at 9:10 pm

G-d

Why are people doing this? Why is "god" being written this way?

imissopus May 3, 2012 at 9:29 pm

It's a Jewish thing. Something about how his name written in Hebrew can never be erased or altered, so English-writing Jews write it that way so they can erase it or throw out the paper on which it is written – or for that matter delete the blog post – without showing disrespect.

Designer_Rants May 3, 2012 at 9:39 pm

Thanks for clearing it up. Figured it was a "Lord's name in vain" thing.

Designer_Rants May 3, 2012 at 9:20 pm

He went to prison, but is now here to save the day, like Nicolas Cage in Con Air!!1!!

Or like when Dolph Lundgren picks up the jeep in his self-produced movie, Red Dawn, Red Scorpion, Red Whatever?

Boojum May 4, 2012 at 9:07 am

Red Penis?

Negropolis May 3, 2012 at 9:24 pm

But, but, wasn't Abram Jack-em-off just making the media circuit, a few months back, spewing fake contrition? You know, the kind of contrition America likes?

BTW, can I just say that I barely understood what was going on in the original post? lol

BTW x 2: Is that really the Jewish story of the fall of Satan? I'd never heard that one. In the Christian tradition, it is Pride (for not bowing to Adam), not Truth, that is punished in the angel. For God to punish truth would be for God to literally be indicting himself.

MosesInvests May 3, 2012 at 10:55 pm

The story is there to illustrate God's mercy-the idea being that if humans were expected to be truthful all the time, there would be no future for humanity. BTW, these are homiletic interpretations, not meant to be taken literally-not that that prevents ultra-Orthodox fanatics from interpreting them literally, since how could the Sages have said anything that wasn't literally True? But still, these are stories, not dogma.
There is no Jewish story of the fall of Satan. Satan ("Adversary" in Hebrew) is an angel,God's prosecutor, whose function is to point out people's shortcomings at their judgement. Satan as a fallen angel, Lord of Evil, is a Christian idea.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 4, 2012 at 3:40 am

From "In the past, it was invariably the Grand Old Party going along to get along" and going all the way back to Creation itself, Abramoff's revisionist history is bullshit. I know from fallen angels, and I say it's bullshit.

Mumbletypeg May 6, 2012 at 11:31 am

Thanks for this. Seems to have been a good bit of confusion. Esp. as folks over the centuries cobble together some image of an Evil Enemy-Entity by conflating various scripture morsels like the passage about Lucifer from Isaiah[?]. I've enjoyed browsing Elaine Pagels' studies on the Satan mystique and I've also enjoyed what little of Hebrew midrash/ Talmudic exposure I've had (courtesy of Elie Wiesels' commentaries for ex.) — the latter is what prompted me to thank you for clarifying as "homilectic interpretations".

fuflans May 3, 2012 at 10:52 pm

well pretty much the only references i got in that were pangloss and myrmidons but i've always liked voltaire and i was in '12th night' three times and feste says a bunch of crap you always have to look up.

heh.

valthemus May 4, 2012 at 12:01 am

I had more respect for Jack when he was working his probation job at that pizza place.

Hoisted_Peatard May 4, 2012 at 2:55 am

Most people would respond to being embarassed by, brought low and then tossed into the slam by the very people they endlessly bribed and got re-elected again and again while playing the same single note corruption time and again by reflecting on their choice of philosophy and party….but not Jackie boy. It's just more proof this dumb thinks we're all gullable enough to accept some "I'm sorry" tour and then believe him bellying right back up to those same people means "reformed". Sorry dildo, not buying it…if he had maybe decided to I dunno…be done with politics as a show of change and spiritual renewal. Abramoff is swimming in the same amoral swamp as before…it's only a matter of time before he's paraded out, phony mob-style and all and put in the slam by the same wingnut fraud monsters yet again.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 4, 2012 at 3:50 am

Much to Jack's delight, he's discovered that it's perfectly legal to be an intellectual fraud.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 4, 2012 at 3:01 am

I'm a big fan of Votaire (it was mutual), so "Panglossian" was a gimme, but I had to look up "moliminous". I think the word peaked in popularity in the 1800s, where it was used once or twice a decade. We're talking some seriously obscure shit here.

Thanks Jack, for improving my Scrabble game, but seriously … wtf is the point of laying out these carefully-harvested $45 words in front of WND readers?

Bezoar May 4, 2012 at 8:54 am

This reminds me for some reason of the miracle of metabolism, where food becomes poop.

YasserArraFeck May 4, 2012 at 9:20 am

The years have not been kind to Inspector Gadget

Boojum May 4, 2012 at 9:21 am

Did you notice his example of Peace vs. Truth? It was "bitch is ugly" = true, where someone with the capacity to actually think might have realized that his brother's view — that she is beautiful — is a deeper truth.

A better example would be meeting Jack Abramoff and saying anything other than "You are a stain on your Mother's name and a cancer on society." And, in that case, I vote for truth.

Also Trucknutz, too.

ttommyunger May 4, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Jack is what the Right calls a real "Mench", a stand-up guy and a toughie; which gives us a pretty clear picture of what they are like.

Guppy May 3, 2012 at 6:33 pm

Danke Schoenkopf?

rickmaci May 3, 2012 at 6:37 pm

Oh that I should get so lucky!

Biel_ze_Bubba May 4, 2012 at 3:26 am

Some of that jabber is so obscure, not even Roget's bothers with it.
This guy puts the 'antics' in 'pedantics'.

Doktor StrangeZoom May 4, 2012 at 8:48 am

Hey, it worked for the Duke and the Dauphin's Shakespeare scam in Huckleberry Finn

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