Felonious American Hero Jack Abramoff: G-d Does Not Care For 'Truth' And/Or 'Peace'

 
 Did you know that God kicked some angel named/representing Truth out of Heaven? It was way back in Genesis times. Evidently, Truth was all like, "If you create that Adam guy, he's gonna make all these other humans who are just gonna start lying and fighting each other." Then, God was like, "Truth, you're fired."

Our favorite Meyer Lansky cosplayer — Republican ex-con and ex-lobbyist Jack Abramoff — knows this story. AND: he's gotten his EXPLOSIVE REVELATIONS published by the only news outlet with the huevos to speak English and fuck the Truth. Por supuesto, we are talking about World Net Daily.

So, um, as quickly as possible, here is why this is happening: Last November, the lovable wingnuts at World Net Daily published Jack Abramoff’s book. Forget the title, but it’s something like Faustian Bargain: Why You Need My Criminal Genius To Fix Washington (Hire Me!) . They have since given him a column, for some reason. (If you guessed that the reason was “to advertise his book in the author bio,” that would be an okay guess.)

Abramoff’s amazing tale of Truth’s insubordination to God and subsequent sacking by God appeared as a non sequitur in his WND column yesterday — a column which was otherwise concerned with extolling the benefits of congressional gridlock. The story comes from the Midrash Rabbah, a collection of incredibly old rabbinic homilies expanding on passages from the Torah and other such Hebrew things. We can’t stress this enough: Abramoff’s deep-cut about Genesis-era Yahweh does nothing to further his argument about legislative inaction.

Its presence would be completely baffling, if the subtext weren’t so crazy obvious. We are never to forget, dear readers, that Abramoff is a contrite and observant religious person who no longer bilks entire Native American tribes and then gloats about it via email. He went to prison, but is now here to save the day, like Nicolas Cage in Con Air!!1!!

Deploying the magic of changing the subject, Abramoff then talks about this angel named/representing Peace, who is also in this particular Midrash Rabbah story, and whom Abramoff thinks God should’ve also fired. As you know, when things are peaceful and civil in Congress, they pass laws and make government do stuff, which is terrible cuz all gubmintz is terrible.

That’s it. That is the entirety of Jack Abramoff’s message in this column.

You do not need to read it — unless maybe you’re studying for the GREs, because Abramoff came here to dazzle you with his literary pyrotechnics. You see, in your “perfervid prayers” for a decently functioning legislature, you are pining for a “Panglossian” dreamland. Only by listening to a reformed arch-corruptionist like Abramoff can we correct the course of our “moliminous ship of state.” Please feel free to assume that Abramoff wrote this with 17 dictionary.com tabs open.

You get the impression reading him discuss “truckling Republican myrmidons” that Abramoff basically got mad jealous reading Thomas Frank eloquently scold him in the pages of Harper’s magazine and that book the Wrecking Crew . You can imagine Abramoff fuming with envious rage as Frank describes his “swaggering truculence” and calls him the Right’s “bully messiah.” “You gonna H. L. Mencken me, Tommy?!” Abramoff mumbles to himself, in the '40s mobster voice he always uses in private. “Well, I’m gonna out Mencken all of youz! Watch this, wiseguys: ‘Today’s legislators were never traduced like their descendants.’ Now THAT’S good prose. Sit on it, Alinskyites!”

Seriously: How much longer does Jack have to suffer at WND, before he gets to write for The Daily Caller with his patrician BFF Tucker Carlson? (TCarl got to throw Abramoff his book party, thus giving the Internet one of the best desktop wallpapers of all time.)

I mean, COME ON, PPL! These columns are hot, raw gold! You don't just give em away to WND!