THURSDAY FUN POST ABOUT HITLER  2:41 pm May 3, 2012

Today In Hitler: Hitler Loved Cocaine And Bull Semen And Farting Everywhere

by Jim Newell

Ich bin ein FahrrtdoggHere is your weekly Thursday Fun Post About Hitler! What has Hitler done now? Well, according to Science, Hitler “craved cocaine and cars,” injected himself with young bull semen so he could have mad coked-out bull sex with Eva Braun, and farted up a storm, maybe in Eva Braun’s face, because he was hilarious and also, too, because he was a vegetarian. Man, Hitler was nuts. When will Obama apologize for being Hitler and farting and doing coke in fast cars with bull semen?

The great news is that you can buy all these Hitler sex/farting docs at an auction for low four-figures apiece. Mother’s Day presents, anyone?

The classified doctor’s report includes several X-rays of Hitler’s skull and extensive details about his health. Panagopulos said it quotes Hitler doctor Theodore Morrell confirming that Hitler and Braun had sex though they slept in separate beds and that he was injected with semen from young bulls to spark his libido. Under the section “Sex Characteristics,” the classified report said:

“Sexual organs showed no indications of abnormality or pathology and secondary sex characteristics were normally developed. Hitler was very fond of the society of attractive women, particularly during the years of his rise to power. In later years his libido was apparently sublimated with the increase in…responsibility. Morrell believes that Hitler, although not strongly inclined to sexual activity, did have sexual intercourse with Eva Braun, though they were accustomed to sleep in separate beds.”

Panagopulos said the report also notes that Hitler “suffered from uncontrollable flatulence” due to his veggie diet, something the German leader took pills for.

Thus concludes this week’s Thursday Fun Post About Hitler! Now we’ll get back to Romney calling Obama a caterpillar and Sandra Fluke eating dogs on the lesbian foreign policy guy’s Twitter and such.

[Washington Examiner]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 145 comments }

nounverb911 May 3, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Don't forget attending Olympics.

themcwow May 3, 2012 at 2:46 pm

That's a budget vacation.

Arken May 3, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Staycation. It was in Berlin.

themcwow May 3, 2012 at 4:18 pm

For Hitler, but the Romneys will be traveling to London games. Dressage!

Arken May 3, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Yeah, but I bet Romney has a home there, so it will be a staycation for him too.

prommie May 3, 2012 at 2:44 pm

The Flatulent Fuhrer! Its gotta happen.

actor212 May 3, 2012 at 2:48 pm
Infrogmation May 3, 2012 at 5:58 pm

You know who else was full of gas?

Rotundo_ May 3, 2012 at 6:08 pm

It sounds like some sort of Nazi Theme bar, Beer and beans and cruciform vegetables.

memzilla May 3, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Hitler took pills for… uncontrollable flatulence.

The famous Beano and Bull Semen diet.

MrFizzy May 3, 2012 at 3:00 pm

I think I saw that at Chipotle, as a salad of course.

prommie May 3, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Mein Fharts!

memzilla May 3, 2012 at 2:48 pm

As chronicled in Mein Rumpf.

Toomush_Infer May 3, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Mein Rumpelgoschwartzen!

Barb May 3, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Why doesn't Hitler enjoy playing golf?

Because he always finishes up in the bunker.

Jim Newell May 3, 2012 at 2:50 pm

BOOKMARKING THIS

Barb May 3, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Kisses to my Ginger.

vodkamuppet May 3, 2012 at 2:59 pm

I'm stealing this.

Barb May 3, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Vodka, I told this joke in Vegas this last weekend after watching Tiger Woods play poker with his Tiger Jam Foundation. I did it in my Eric Cartman voice, lol.

ManchuCandidate May 3, 2012 at 2:46 pm

If one removes the genocide, war and death Life With Adolph almost sounds like a bad Farrelly Brothers Film.

whiterabid May 3, 2012 at 2:58 pm

Beat me to it. I was going to say, a character from American Pie, but really the same.

ElPinche May 3, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Does Glenn Beck know about this?!?

Designer_Rants May 3, 2012 at 3:15 pm

I must see the chalk-drawn fart cloud.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 3, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Know about it? He's lived it!

Generation[redacted] May 3, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Did he fart left or right? That's where we disagree.

actor212 May 3, 2012 at 2:47 pm

So basically, Hitler was a Young Republican?

Toomush_Infer May 3, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Wide Stance…..

actor212 May 3, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Brings a whole new meaning to "Battle of the Bulge"…

widestanceromance May 3, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Vydestandtz Romandtz approofs dit mesatch.

Beowoof May 3, 2012 at 7:06 pm

If he was a young republican, he would have swallowed the bull semen.

memzilla May 3, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Say, you know which other preening fascist had uncontrollable flatulence and a mistress… ?

weejee May 3, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Newt?

nounverb911 May 3, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Newt Gingrinch?
Damn it! I need to type faster.

weejee May 3, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Usually yer so qwik.

actor212 May 3, 2012 at 2:50 pm

I object to you calling me a fascist!

noodlesalad May 3, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Marcus Bachmann?

nounverb911 May 3, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Lindsey Graham?

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 3, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Hitler? No, wait….

Chet Kincaid May 3, 2012 at 2:58 pm

Steve Jobs?

Mumbly_Joe May 3, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Herr Man-Cane?

chicken_thief May 3, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Ahnuld?

weejee May 3, 2012 at 2:47 pm

♪♫ Ridin' Eva's train, high on cocaine
Little Adolph better watch yer speed ♫♪

IncenseDebate May 3, 2012 at 2:47 pm

You know who else farted a lot and took shots of bull semen to have awesome sex?

widestanceromance May 3, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Don't judge me.

Designer_Rants May 3, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Your comment caused lotsa farts to escape as I laughed uncontrollably.

vodkamuppet May 3, 2012 at 3:05 pm

I only did that because I was on Fear Factor, sex had nothing to do with it.

chicken_thief May 3, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Mitch McConnell? I mean, I've heard some rumors. And he hasn't, tmk, denied it…

Beowoof May 3, 2012 at 7:08 pm

Turtle sticks his head out of his shell when he farts, usually into a microphone.

An_Outhouse May 3, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Sting?

horsedreamer_1 May 6, 2012 at 11:26 pm

Roger Clemens?

SorosBot May 3, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Did he blame the farts on his dog?

actor212 May 3, 2012 at 2:51 pm

If the alt-text is to be believed, yes.

Infrogmation May 3, 2012 at 6:03 pm

No, on the Jews. Duh.

StarsUponThars May 3, 2012 at 2:48 pm

And he murdered his niece Geli Raubal because she wouldn't blow him. Or something.

IncenseDebate May 3, 2012 at 2:49 pm

The dog in that pic looks like he just got blasted with Hitler smell bomb.

AlterNewt May 3, 2012 at 2:50 pm

"…and farted up a storm."

He sure did.

Toomush_Infer May 3, 2012 at 3:12 pm

SturmFartten!

widestanceromance May 3, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Injected or just plain guzzled? 'Fess up, now.

Designer_Rants May 3, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Injected, turkey baster, butt.

widestanceromance May 3, 2012 at 3:36 pm

You know he licked the tip first.

Designer_Rants May 3, 2012 at 3:58 pm

He did more than lick it! How else does one get a turkey baster full of bull semen?

widestanceromance May 3, 2012 at 4:21 pm

HITLER! Oh, sorry, this happens whenever I spot the word, else, in a comment.

Chet Kincaid May 3, 2012 at 2:50 pm

I already knew about the farting. I think Herman Wouk mentioned it in "The Winds Of War."

Jim Newell May 3, 2012 at 2:52 pm

yeah well… uhh… I already knew about stuff too…

Chet Kincaid May 3, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Did you not see what I did there?

Jim Newell May 3, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Ok, firing myself

Chet Kincaid May 3, 2012 at 3:10 pm

I read "Winds Of War" and "War And Remembrance" in high school, before the miniseries, but part of the story is narrated by an officer in Hitler's inner circle, and I'm pretty sure that the farting is mentioned. I liked those books, as it seemed that WWII was America's last war, and last great one, despite the omnipresent Viet Nam in grade school and Korea as a sitcom throughout the '70s.

I hated the miniseries — Robert Mitchum was too fucking old for the part of Pug Henry, and Ali McGraw was too old and weathered to be the hot Jewish babe I imagined in the novels. I would have gone with Valerie Harper.

rickmaci May 3, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Now that's funny.

el_donaldo May 3, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Hmm. Farts, cocaine, and bull semen?

Apparently I'm two-thirds of the way to evil dictatorship. And I think I'll pass on that last step.

OneYieldRegular May 3, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Hmm. I wonder if anyone will feed these new revelations into a YouTube parody of "Downfall"? (before sunset today, I mean).

actor212 May 3, 2012 at 2:56 pm
elviouslyqueer May 3, 2012 at 3:01 pm

*weeps with laughter*

OneYieldRegular May 3, 2012 at 4:32 pm

That was quick.

GOPCrusher May 3, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Is there anything that "Downfall" doesn't make better?

ChernobylSoup May 3, 2012 at 2:54 pm

The saddest part of this whole awful "Hitler" ordeal is that there is a website devoted to kitty cats that look like him.

pdiddycornchips May 3, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Hitler stories make me think of this. I can't help it.
http://www.defamer.com.au/2010/04/have-you-heard-

SheriffRoscoe May 3, 2012 at 2:54 pm

That's why his seat cushion at the Berlin Opera smelled like ass.

elviouslyqueer May 3, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Say, you know who else advocated a heavily vegetarian diet and probably farted a lot, albeit in supremely ladylike fashion?

actor212 May 3, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Paul McCartney?

Chet Kincaid May 3, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Steve Jobs on chemo?

Too soon?

GunToting[Redacted] May 3, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Kourtney?

actor212 May 3, 2012 at 3:05 pm

He said "ladylike".

LesBontemps May 3, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Looked like a lady to me.

SheriffRoscoe May 3, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Throw in the bull semen injections and I'm guessing Liberace?

elviouslyqueer May 3, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Too soon!

Designer_Rants May 3, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Mother Theresa?

MissTaken May 3, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Prince Charles?

GOPCrusher May 3, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Richard Simmons?

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 3, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Half of Southern California?

pdiddycornchips May 3, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Oscar De La Hoya?

DerrickWildcat May 3, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Why didn't Hitler drink booze?

It made him mean.

SnarkoMarx May 3, 2012 at 5:27 pm

Laughing until my sides hurt!

MrFizzy May 3, 2012 at 2:55 pm

There's a reason Eva was braun.

niblick77 May 3, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Coke, fart jokes, a hole —–>>>>> GWB!

MrFizzy May 3, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Sounds like a Jeopardy answer

Negropolis May 3, 2012 at 11:29 pm

The Aristocrats!

keinsignal May 3, 2012 at 2:56 pm

His doctors gave him cocaine to *clear his sinuses*!? If only one of these medical geniuses had thought to give him opium for his flatulence or medical marijuana for, well, any reason at all, the first half of the 20th century would have been a much mellower time.

Preferred Customer May 3, 2012 at 2:57 pm

When he would let rip a particularly good one, he would call it "Operation Barbarossa." No one laughed then, either.

GOPCrusher May 3, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Well, it got kind of old when he leaned over to Goering and said "Manny, pull my finger."

Preferred Customer May 3, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Left buttcheek? Western front. Right buttcheek? Eastern front.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 3, 2012 at 2:58 pm

And the product of those bull semen injections: Barack Obama.

Source: Fox News

BarackMyWorld May 3, 2012 at 2:59 pm

He used cocaine? Another thing Hitler and Nobama have in common. Also: bipeds.
Better add those to my list.

Negropolis May 3, 2012 at 11:31 pm

You know what other former world leader snorted coke up a storm and had major daddy issues?

ph7 May 3, 2012 at 2:59 pm

See ? Except for the extermination of millions of fellow humans, he's just like us!

Arken May 3, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Hitler was only a vegetarian on his doctor's orders. Most people are unaware of that. He had no ethical problem with eating meat.

FlownOver May 3, 2012 at 3:28 pm

So he was an OK joe after all? Sorta guy you'd want to hoist a stein with?

Negropolis May 3, 2012 at 11:32 pm

Maybe that's true, but it was also well documented that he hated the slaughter of animals. Other humans? Yeah, not so much.

ManchuCandidate May 3, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Dutch Ovens way better than Deustche Ovens.

Lucidamente1 May 3, 2012 at 3:03 pm

But what does this mean for Godwin's Law?

MissTaken May 3, 2012 at 3:23 pm

That all Wonkette threads will eventually turn to fart jokes?

JustPixelz May 3, 2012 at 3:03 pm

This post comes with Godwin pre-installed.

According to the TP'ers and their fellow 'wingers, the worst thing about Hitler — worse than the genocide, World War Two, murderous treatment of POWs — the worst thing is how much like Obama he was. In Texas history textbooks, there are (recently discovered) photos of people at Nazi rallies holding up pictures of Obama.

crybabyboehner May 3, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Not surprised that Eva wanted separate beds … the old "Dutch oven" prank is really not funny when the guy doing it is Hitler.

bagofmice May 3, 2012 at 9:50 pm

That is hard to top, unlike Eva.

Weenus299 May 3, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Mm Good. Everyone should crave a good Hitlerpenis, or wienerhitler.

Maman May 3, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Now I can skip Nazi Sunday on the History Channel!

Wile E. Quixote May 4, 2012 at 2:14 pm

What!? The History Channel is down to dedicating only one day a week to Hitler? What the fuck are they doing the other six days a week?

Weenus299 May 3, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Any pre-Eva Braun Hitler girlfriends out there confirm any of this?

actor212 May 3, 2012 at 3:17 pm

I don't want to tell tales out of school, but Kim Kardashian used to wrinkle her nose up everytime he walked past.

Tundra Grifter May 3, 2012 at 3:31 pm

As noted above, I believe she killed herself.

widestanceromance May 3, 2012 at 3:37 pm

TMZ is digging up dirt on this.

Negropolis May 3, 2012 at 11:33 pm

Well, he is said to have raped a young cousin who then killed herself…allegedly.

Toomush_Infer May 3, 2012 at 3:19 pm

This should all be set to polka music….

MissTaken May 3, 2012 at 3:21 pm

did have sexual intercourse with Eva Braun, though they were accustomed to sleep in separate beds

Strange, I always pictured Hitler as a cuddler.

Fare la Volpe May 3, 2012 at 3:51 pm

He always seemed so warm.

MosesInvests May 3, 2012 at 7:59 pm

Der Fuhrer vas a vonderful dancer!

Steverino247 May 3, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Eva knew something about Der Farter and had to give him some space.

pdiddycornchips May 3, 2012 at 4:16 pm

I rented Cockold Fuhrer 2 but as is usually the case with sequels, it was disappointing.

owhatever May 3, 2012 at 3:22 pm

The documents show that his physicians got together, and, like: "Let's make him eat only vegetables!" Yeah, okay, har, har. "Hey, he did it. Let's shoot him full of bull semen!" Right on, dude. "Now give him that stuff that makes him fart all the time." Yeah.

Tundra Grifter May 3, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Herman Goering got really, really tired of Adolf saying "Pull my finger."

randcoolcatdaddy May 3, 2012 at 3:30 pm

"In later years his libido was apparently sublimated with the increase in…responsibility."

Yeah … the excuse of most middle aged men…

Tundra Grifter May 3, 2012 at 3:30 pm

"Man, Hitler was nuts."

Jim, WADR, you didn't just figure that out, did you?

Sir_Fartz_Alot May 3, 2012 at 3:43 pm

adds new meaning to "gas chamber"

johnnyzhivago May 3, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Didn't Hitlercare cover Viagra?

pdiddycornchips May 3, 2012 at 4:12 pm

As JFK once famously said, eich ein blyhung

Schmegeg May 3, 2012 at 4:22 pm

If Blondi knew what was coming from Adolph, he/she would have torn his fucking arm off after this picture was taken.

littlebigdaddy May 3, 2012 at 4:38 pm

You know who *else*….wait, what?

Tommy1733 May 3, 2012 at 4:45 pm

Heard in the bunker, 1945: "Come here Joseph, I need sie to take your bottle und go visit ze bulls again – I vant to show Eva a good time. Und wear your gloves this time."

rickmaci May 3, 2012 at 4:51 pm

I want to say something funny and snarky but, recalling the horrible things told to me as a kid by by my WWII GI father, I just can't bring myself to make jokes about Nazis. Mel Brooks is a better man than me.

MosesInvests May 3, 2012 at 8:05 pm

No snark here-but joking about the Nazis is about the best way of dealing with that horror. I'm saying this as someone who lost close family to Nazi collaborators during the war. I'd rather laugh at the SOB's than cry over them.

Rotundo_ May 3, 2012 at 6:17 pm

The vegetarian diet was in response to the odor of the flatulence, evidently 'Dolph could peel paint off walls when he consumed meat, and judging from personal experience with Saurbraten, (a delicious marinated flank steak) it must have been phenomenal. From what I've read, the vegetarian diet helped little with the odor problem as he had a truly sour stomach.

FlownOver May 3, 2012 at 7:07 pm

I'd be concerned if I knew that much about Shatner, let alone Hitler.

mavenmaven May 3, 2012 at 8:45 pm

Yeah, laugh all you want but both Rush and Newt are running to their local cattle breeding farm to try this trick.

Dildeaux May 4, 2012 at 8:55 am

"Das ist mein fuh… MUTHAFUCK WHAT IS THAT SMELL!?"

ttommyunger May 4, 2012 at 1:54 pm

I'll bet I could out-fart Hitler any day of the week… Wifey calls me "The Wind Beneath Her Sheets."

themcwow May 3, 2012 at 4:32 pm

True.

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