thursday fun post about hitler

Today In Hitler: Hitler Loved Cocaine And Bull Semen And Farting Everywhere

Ich bin ein FahrrtdoggHere is your weekly Thursday Fun Post About Hitler! What has Hitler done now? Well, according to Science, Hitler “craved cocaine and cars,” injected himself with young bull semen so he could have mad coked-out bull sex with Eva Braun, and farted up a storm, maybe in Eva Braun’s face, because he was hilarious and also, too, because he was a vegetarian. Man, Hitler was nuts. When will Obama apologize for being Hitler and farting and doing coke in fast cars with bull semen?

The great news is that you can buy all these Hitler sex/farting docs at an auction for low four-figures apiece. Mother’s Day presents, anyone?

The classified doctor’s report includes several X-rays of Hitler’s skull and extensive details about his health. Panagopulos said it quotes Hitler doctor Theodore Morrell confirming that Hitler and Braun had sex though they slept in separate beds and that he was injected with semen from young bulls to spark his libido. Under the section “Sex Characteristics,” the classified report said:

“Sexual organs showed no indications of abnormality or pathology and secondary sex characteristics were normally developed. Hitler was very fond of the society of attractive women, particularly during the years of his rise to power. In later years his libido was apparently sublimated with the increase in…responsibility. Morrell believes that Hitler, although not strongly inclined to sexual activity, did have sexual intercourse with Eva Braun, though they were accustomed to sleep in separate beds.”

Panagopulos said the report also notes that Hitler “suffered from uncontrollable flatulence” due to his veggie diet, something the German leader took pills for.

Thus concludes this week’s Thursday Fun Post About Hitler! Now we’ll get back to Romney calling Obama a caterpillar and Sandra Fluke eating dogs on the lesbian foreign policy guy’s Twitter and such.

[Washington Examiner]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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          1. Arken

            Yeah, but I bet Romney has a home there, so it will be a staycation for him too.

    1. Rotundo_

      It sounds like some sort of Nazi Theme bar, Beer and beans and cruciform vegetables.

  1. memzilla

    Hitler took pills for… uncontrollable flatulence.

    The famous Beano and Bull Semen diet.

  2. Barb

    Why doesn't Hitler enjoy playing golf?

    Because he always finishes up in the bunker.

      1. Barb

        Vodka, I told this joke in Vegas this last weekend after watching Tiger Woods play poker with his Tiger Jam Foundation. I did it in my Eric Cartman voice, lol.

    1. whiterabid

      Beat me to it. I was going to say, a character from American Pie, but really the same.

  3. memzilla

    Say, you know which other preening fascist had uncontrollable flatulence and a mistress… ?

  4. IncenseDebate

    You know who else farted a lot and took shots of bull semen to have awesome sex?

    1. vodkamuppet

      I only did that because I was on Fear Factor, sex had nothing to do with it.

    2. chicken_thief

      Mitch McConnell? I mean, I've heard some rumors. And he hasn't, tmk, denied it…

      1. Beowoof

        Turtle sticks his head out of his shell when he farts, usually into a microphone.

  5. StarsUponThars

    And he murdered his niece Geli Raubal because she wouldn't blow him. Or something.

  6. IncenseDebate

    The dog in that pic looks like he just got blasted with Hitler smell bomb.

          1. widestanceromance

            HITLER! Oh, sorry, this happens whenever I spot the word, else, in a comment.

          1. Chet Kincaid

            I read "Winds Of War" and "War And Remembrance" in high school, before the miniseries, but part of the story is narrated by an officer in Hitler's inner circle, and I'm pretty sure that the farting is mentioned. I liked those books, as it seemed that WWII was America's last war, and last great one, despite the omnipresent Viet Nam in grade school and Korea as a sitcom throughout the '70s.

            I hated the miniseries — Robert Mitchum was too fucking old for the part of Pug Henry, and Ali McGraw was too old and weathered to be the hot Jewish babe I imagined in the novels. I would have gone with Valerie Harper.

  7. el_donaldo

    Hmm. Farts, cocaine, and bull semen?

    Apparently I'm two-thirds of the way to evil dictatorship. And I think I'll pass on that last step.

  8. OneYieldRegular

    Hmm. I wonder if anyone will feed these new revelations into a YouTube parody of "Downfall"? (before sunset today, I mean).

  9. ChernobylSoup

    The saddest part of this whole awful "Hitler" ordeal is that there is a website devoted to kitty cats that look like him.

  10. elviouslyqueer

    Say, you know who else advocated a heavily vegetarian diet and probably farted a lot, albeit in supremely ladylike fashion?

  11. keinsignal

    His doctors gave him cocaine to *clear his sinuses*!? If only one of these medical geniuses had thought to give him opium for his flatulence or medical marijuana for, well, any reason at all, the first half of the 20th century would have been a much mellower time.

  12. Preferred Customer

    When he would let rip a particularly good one, he would call it "Operation Barbarossa." No one laughed then, either.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Well, it got kind of old when he leaned over to Goering and said "Manny, pull my finger."

  13. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    And the product of those bull semen injections: Barack Obama.

    Source: Fox News

  14. BarackMyWorld

    He used cocaine? Another thing Hitler and Nobama have in common. Also: bipeds.
    Better add those to my list.

    1. Negropolis

      You know what other former world leader snorted coke up a storm and had major daddy issues?

  15. ph7

    See ? Except for the extermination of millions of fellow humans, he's just like us!

  16. Arken

    Hitler was only a vegetarian on his doctor's orders. Most people are unaware of that. He had no ethical problem with eating meat.

    1. Negropolis

      Maybe that's true, but it was also well documented that he hated the slaughter of animals. Other humans? Yeah, not so much.

  17. JustPixelz

    This post comes with Godwin pre-installed.

    According to the TP'ers and their fellow 'wingers, the worst thing about Hitler — worse than the genocide, World War Two, murderous treatment of POWs — the worst thing is how much like Obama he was. In Texas history textbooks, there are (recently discovered) photos of people at Nazi rallies holding up pictures of Obama.

  18. crybabyboehner

    Not surprised that Eva wanted separate beds … the old "Dutch oven" prank is really not funny when the guy doing it is Hitler.

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      What!? The History Channel is down to dedicating only one day a week to Hitler? What the fuck are they doing the other six days a week?

    1. Negropolis

      Well, he is said to have raped a young cousin who then killed herself…allegedly.

  19. MissTaken

    did have sexual intercourse with Eva Braun, though they were accustomed to sleep in separate beds

    Strange, I always pictured Hitler as a cuddler.

    1. pdiddycornchips

      I rented Cockold Fuhrer 2 but as is usually the case with sequels, it was disappointing.

  20. owhatever

    The documents show that his physicians got together, and, like: "Let's make him eat only vegetables!" Yeah, okay, har, har. "Hey, he did it. Let's shoot him full of bull semen!" Right on, dude. "Now give him that stuff that makes him fart all the time." Yeah.

  21. Tundra Grifter

    Herman Goering got really, really tired of Adolf saying "Pull my finger."

  22. randcoolcatdaddy

    "In later years his libido was apparently sublimated with the increase in…responsibility."

    Yeah … the excuse of most middle aged men…

  23. Tundra Grifter

    "Man, Hitler was nuts."

    Jim, WADR, you didn't just figure that out, did you?

  24. Schmegeg

    If Blondi knew what was coming from Adolph, he/she would have torn his fucking arm off after this picture was taken.

  25. Tommy1733

    Heard in the bunker, 1945: "Come here Joseph, I need sie to take your bottle und go visit ze bulls again – I vant to show Eva a good time. Und wear your gloves this time."

  26. rickmaci

    I want to say something funny and snarky but, recalling the horrible things told to me as a kid by by my WWII GI father, I just can't bring myself to make jokes about Nazis. Mel Brooks is a better man than me.

    1. MosesInvests

      No snark here-but joking about the Nazis is about the best way of dealing with that horror. I'm saying this as someone who lost close family to Nazi collaborators during the war. I'd rather laugh at the SOB's than cry over them.

  27. Rotundo_

    The vegetarian diet was in response to the odor of the flatulence, evidently 'Dolph could peel paint off walls when he consumed meat, and judging from personal experience with Saurbraten, (a delicious marinated flank steak) it must have been phenomenal. From what I've read, the vegetarian diet helped little with the odor problem as he had a truly sour stomach.

  28. mavenmaven

    Yeah, laugh all you want but both Rush and Newt are running to their local cattle breeding farm to try this trick.

  29. ttommyunger

    I'll bet I could out-fart Hitler any day of the week… Wifey calls me "The Wind Beneath Her Sheets."

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