thursday fun post about hitler

Today In Hitler: Hitler Loved Cocaine And Bull Semen And Farting Everywhere

Ich bin ein FahrrtdoggHere is your weekly Thursday Fun Post About Hitler! What has Hitler done now? Well, according to Science, Hitler “craved cocaine and cars,” injected himself with young bull semen so he could have mad coked-out bull sex with Eva Braun, and farted up a storm, maybe in Eva Braun’s face, because he was hilarious and also, too, because he was a vegetarian. Man, Hitler was nuts. When will Obama apologize for being Hitler and farting and doing coke in fast cars with bull semen?

The great news is that you can buy all these Hitler sex/farting docs at an auction for low four-figures apiece. Mother’s Day presents, anyone?

The classified doctor’s report includes several X-rays of Hitler’s skull and extensive details about his health. Panagopulos said it quotes Hitler doctor Theodore Morrell confirming that Hitler and Braun had sex though they slept in separate beds and that he was injected with semen from young bulls to spark his libido. Under the section “Sex Characteristics,” the classified report said:

“Sexual organs showed no indications of abnormality or pathology and secondary sex characteristics were normally developed. Hitler was very fond of the society of attractive women, particularly during the years of his rise to power. In later years his libido was apparently sublimated with the increase in…responsibility. Morrell believes that Hitler, although not strongly inclined to sexual activity, did have sexual intercourse with Eva Braun, though they were accustomed to sleep in separate beds.”

Panagopulos said the report also notes that Hitler “suffered from uncontrollable flatulence” due to his veggie diet, something the German leader took pills for.

Thus concludes this week’s Thursday Fun Post About Hitler! Now we’ll get back to Romney calling Obama a caterpillar and Sandra Fluke eating dogs on the lesbian foreign policy guy’s Twitter and such.

[Washington Examiner]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

Comments

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  • nounverb911

    Don't forget attending Olympics.

    • themcwow

      That's a budget vacation.

      • Arken

        Staycation. It was in Berlin.

        • themcwow

          For Hitler, but the Romneys will be traveling to London games. Dressage!

          • Arken

            Yeah, but I bet Romney has a home there, so it will be a staycation for him too.

          • themcwow

            True.

  • prommie

    The Flatulent Fuhrer! Its gotta happen.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212
    • http://infrogmation.livejournal.com/ Infrogmation

      You know who else was full of gas?

    • Rotundo_

      It sounds like some sort of Nazi Theme bar, Beer and beans and cruciform vegetables.

  • memzilla

    Hitler took pills for… uncontrollable flatulence.

    The famous Beano and Bull Semen diet.

    • MrFizzy

      I think I saw that at Chipotle, as a salad of course.

  • prommie

    Mein Fharts!

    • memzilla

      As chronicled in Mein Rumpf.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Mein Rumpelgoschwartzen!

  • Barb

    Why doesn't Hitler enjoy playing golf?

    Because he always finishes up in the bunker.

    • http://wonkette.com Jim Newell

      BOOKMARKING THIS

      • Barb

        Kisses to my Ginger.

    • vodkamuppet

      I'm stealing this.

      • Barb

        Vodka, I told this joke in Vegas this last weekend after watching Tiger Woods play poker with his Tiger Jam Foundation. I did it in my Eric Cartman voice, lol.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    If one removes the genocide, war and death Life With Adolph almost sounds like a bad Farrelly Brothers Film.

    • whiterabid

      Beat me to it. I was going to say, a character from American Pie, but really the same.

  • ElPinche

    Does Glenn Beck know about this?!?

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      I must see the chalk-drawn fart cloud.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Know about it? He's lived it!

    • Generation[redacted]

      Did he fart left or right? That's where we disagree.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    So basically, Hitler was a Young Republican?

    • Toomush_Infer

      Wide Stance…..

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Brings a whole new meaning to "Battle of the Bulge"…

      • widestanceromance

        Vydestandtz Romandtz approofs dit mesatch.

    • Beowoof

      If he was a young republican, he would have swallowed the bull semen.

  • memzilla

    Say, you know which other preening fascist had uncontrollable flatulence and a mistress… ?

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Newt?

    • nounverb911

      Newt Gingrinch?
      Damn it! I need to type faster.

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        Usually yer so qwik.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I object to you calling me a fascist!

    • noodlesalad

      Marcus Bachmann?

      • nounverb911

        Lindsey Graham?

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Hitler? No, wait….

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Steve Jobs?

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Mumbly_Joe

      Herr Man-Cane?

    • chicken_thief

      Ahnuld?

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    ♪♫ Ridin' Eva's train, high on cocaine
    Little Adolph better watch yer speed ♫♪

  • IncenseDebate

    You know who else farted a lot and took shots of bull semen to have awesome sex?

    • widestanceromance

      Don't judge me.

      • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

        Your comment caused lotsa farts to escape as I laughed uncontrollably.

    • vodkamuppet

      I only did that because I was on Fear Factor, sex had nothing to do with it.

    • chicken_thief

      Mitch McConnell? I mean, I've heard some rumors. And he hasn't, tmk, denied it…

      • Beowoof

        Turtle sticks his head out of his shell when he farts, usually into a microphone.

    • An_Outhouse

      Sting?

    • horsedreamer_1

      Roger Clemens?

  • SorosBot

    Did he blame the farts on his dog?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      If the alt-text is to be believed, yes.

    • http://infrogmation.livejournal.com/ Infrogmation

      No, on the Jews. Duh.

  • StarsUponThars

    And he murdered his niece Geli Raubal because she wouldn't blow him. Or something.

  • IncenseDebate

    The dog in that pic looks like he just got blasted with Hitler smell bomb.

  • AlterNewt

    "…and farted up a storm."

    He sure did.

    • Toomush_Infer

      SturmFartten!

  • widestanceromance

    Injected or just plain guzzled? 'Fess up, now.

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      Injected, turkey baster, butt.

      • widestanceromance

        You know he licked the tip first.

        • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

          He did more than lick it! How else does one get a turkey baster full of bull semen?

          • widestanceromance

            HITLER! Oh, sorry, this happens whenever I spot the word, else, in a comment.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    I already knew about the farting. I think Herman Wouk mentioned it in "The Winds Of War."

    • http://wonkette.com Jim Newell

      yeah well… uhh… I already knew about stuff too…

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        Did you not see what I did there?

        • http://wonkette.com Jim Newell

          Ok, firing myself

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

            I read "Winds Of War" and "War And Remembrance" in high school, before the miniseries, but part of the story is narrated by an officer in Hitler's inner circle, and I'm pretty sure that the farting is mentioned. I liked those books, as it seemed that WWII was America's last war, and last great one, despite the omnipresent Viet Nam in grade school and Korea as a sitcom throughout the '70s.

            I hated the miniseries — Robert Mitchum was too fucking old for the part of Pug Henry, and Ali McGraw was too old and weathered to be the hot Jewish babe I imagined in the novels. I would have gone with Valerie Harper.

    • rickmaci

      Now that's funny.

  • el_donaldo

    Hmm. Farts, cocaine, and bull semen?

    Apparently I'm two-thirds of the way to evil dictatorship. And I think I'll pass on that last step.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Hmm. I wonder if anyone will feed these new revelations into a YouTube parody of "Downfall"? (before sunset today, I mean).

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212
      • elviouslyqueer

        *weeps with laughter*

      • OneYieldRegular

        That was quick.

    • GOPCrusher

      Is there anything that "Downfall" doesn't make better?

  • ChernobylSoup

    The saddest part of this whole awful "Hitler" ordeal is that there is a website devoted to kitty cats that look like him.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    That's why his seat cushion at the Berlin Opera smelled like ass.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Say, you know who else advocated a heavily vegetarian diet and probably farted a lot, albeit in supremely ladylike fashion?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Paul McCartney?

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Steve Jobs on chemo?

      Too soon?

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Kourtney?

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        He said "ladylike".

        • LesBontemps

          Looked like a lady to me.

    • SheriffRoscoe

      Throw in the bull semen injections and I'm guessing Liberace?

      • elviouslyqueer

        Too soon!

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      Mother Theresa?

    • MissTaken

      Prince Charles?

    • GOPCrusher

      Richard Simmons?

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Half of Southern California?

    • pdiddycornchips

      Oscar De La Hoya?

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Why didn't Hitler drink booze?

    It made him mean.

    • SnarkoMarx

      Laughing until my sides hurt!

  • MrFizzy

    There's a reason Eva was braun.

  • niblick77

    Coke, fart jokes, a hole —–>>>>> GWB!

    • MrFizzy

      Sounds like a Jeopardy answer

    • Negropolis

      The Aristocrats!

  • keinsignal

    His doctors gave him cocaine to *clear his sinuses*!? If only one of these medical geniuses had thought to give him opium for his flatulence or medical marijuana for, well, any reason at all, the first half of the 20th century would have been a much mellower time.

  • Preferred Customer

    When he would let rip a particularly good one, he would call it "Operation Barbarossa." No one laughed then, either.

    • GOPCrusher

      Well, it got kind of old when he leaned over to Goering and said "Manny, pull my finger."

      • Preferred Customer

        Left buttcheek? Western front. Right buttcheek? Eastern front.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    And the product of those bull semen injections: Barack Obama.

    Source: Fox News

  • BarackMyWorld

    He used cocaine? Another thing Hitler and Nobama have in common. Also: bipeds.
    Better add those to my list.

    • Negropolis

      You know what other former world leader snorted coke up a storm and had major daddy issues?

  • ph7

    See ? Except for the extermination of millions of fellow humans, he's just like us!

  • Arken

    Hitler was only a vegetarian on his doctor's orders. Most people are unaware of that. He had no ethical problem with eating meat.

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      So he was an OK joe after all? Sorta guy you'd want to hoist a stein with?

    • Negropolis

      Maybe that's true, but it was also well documented that he hated the slaughter of animals. Other humans? Yeah, not so much.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Dutch Ovens way better than Deustche Ovens.

  • Lucidamente1

    But what does this mean for Godwin's Law?

    • MissTaken

      That all Wonkette threads will eventually turn to fart jokes?

  • JustPixelz

    This post comes with Godwin pre-installed.

    According to the TP'ers and their fellow 'wingers, the worst thing about Hitler — worse than the genocide, World War Two, murderous treatment of POWs — the worst thing is how much like Obama he was. In Texas history textbooks, there are (recently discovered) photos of people at Nazi rallies holding up pictures of Obama.

  • crybabyboehner

    Not surprised that Eva wanted separate beds … the old "Dutch oven" prank is really not funny when the guy doing it is Hitler.

    • bagofmice

      That is hard to top, unlike Eva.

  • Weenus299

    Mm Good. Everyone should crave a good Hitlerpenis, or wienerhitler.

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    Now I can skip Nazi Sunday on the History Channel!

    • Wile E. Quixote

      What!? The History Channel is down to dedicating only one day a week to Hitler? What the fuck are they doing the other six days a week?

  • Weenus299

    Any pre-Eva Braun Hitler girlfriends out there confirm any of this?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I don't want to tell tales out of school, but Kim Kardashian used to wrinkle her nose up everytime he walked past.

    • Tundra Grifter

      As noted above, I believe she killed herself.

    • widestanceromance

      TMZ is digging up dirt on this.

    • Negropolis

      Well, he is said to have raped a young cousin who then killed herself…allegedly.

  • Toomush_Infer

    This should all be set to polka music….

  • MissTaken

    did have sexual intercourse with Eva Braun, though they were accustomed to sleep in separate beds

    Strange, I always pictured Hitler as a cuddler.

    • Fare la Volpe

      He always seemed so warm.

      • MosesInvests

        Der Fuhrer vas a vonderful dancer!

    • Steverino247

      Eva knew something about Der Farter and had to give him some space.

    • pdiddycornchips

      I rented Cockold Fuhrer 2 but as is usually the case with sequels, it was disappointing.

  • owhatever

    The documents show that his physicians got together, and, like: "Let's make him eat only vegetables!" Yeah, okay, har, har. "Hey, he did it. Let's shoot him full of bull semen!" Right on, dude. "Now give him that stuff that makes him fart all the time." Yeah.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Herman Goering got really, really tired of Adolf saying "Pull my finger."

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    "In later years his libido was apparently sublimated with the increase in…responsibility."

    Yeah … the excuse of most middle aged men…

  • Tundra Grifter

    "Man, Hitler was nuts."

    Jim, WADR, you didn't just figure that out, did you?

  • Sir_Fartz_Alot

    adds new meaning to "gas chamber"

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Didn't Hitlercare cover Viagra?

  • pdiddycornchips

    As JFK once famously said, eich ein blyhung

  • Schmegeg

    If Blondi knew what was coming from Adolph, he/she would have torn his fucking arm off after this picture was taken.

  • littlebigdaddy

    You know who *else*….wait, what?

  • Tommy1733

    Heard in the bunker, 1945: "Come here Joseph, I need sie to take your bottle und go visit ze bulls again – I vant to show Eva a good time. Und wear your gloves this time."

  • rickmaci

    I want to say something funny and snarky but, recalling the horrible things told to me as a kid by by my WWII GI father, I just can't bring myself to make jokes about Nazis. Mel Brooks is a better man than me.

    • MosesInvests

      No snark here-but joking about the Nazis is about the best way of dealing with that horror. I'm saying this as someone who lost close family to Nazi collaborators during the war. I'd rather laugh at the SOB's than cry over them.

  • Rotundo_

    The vegetarian diet was in response to the odor of the flatulence, evidently 'Dolph could peel paint off walls when he consumed meat, and judging from personal experience with Saurbraten, (a delicious marinated flank steak) it must have been phenomenal. From what I've read, the vegetarian diet helped little with the odor problem as he had a truly sour stomach.

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      I'd be concerned if I knew that much about Shatner, let alone Hitler.

  • mavenmaven

    Yeah, laugh all you want but both Rush and Newt are running to their local cattle breeding farm to try this trick.

  • Dildeaux

    "Das ist mein fuh… MUTHAFUCK WHAT IS THAT SMELL!?"

  • ttommyunger

    I'll bet I could out-fart Hitler any day of the week… Wifey calls me "The Wind Beneath Her Sheets."