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Nikki Haley Has Best-Ever Legal Defense Strategy Against Ethics Probe

Don't imagine the awkward sex. Stop.

South Carolina’s dingbat governor Nikki Haley, famous chiefly for being the only human ever rumored to make hot forbidden love with a political blogger, has lately been in trouble for allegedly making hot forbidden legislative favors for her health company employer while she was still a state representative and doing “secret consulting work,” which sounds roughly as hot as secret blogger sex. Here is why Nikki Haley’s lawyer would like the House ethics panel to rule in her favor: “To find otherwise would not only impugn the integrity of many other members of the General Assembly, but also that of many of South Carolina’s best corporate partners: BlueCross BlueShield of South Carolina, Michelin, AT&T, Time Warner Cable, and several others.” We believe the usual lawyerly defense goes more along the lines of “no wrongdoing took place,” but sure, “everybody else does it, too” sounds great. So how does the panel rule?

From the Columbia Free Times:

Members of the committee voted 5-1 today to clear Haley of wrongdoing. The lone holdout was the only Democrat serving on the six-member panel.

[House Ethics Committee Chairman Ronald] Smith said the committee didn’t do much in the form of an independent investigation into the claims.

“Do we have an investigator on our staff who can go out there and do an investigation like the State Ethics [Commission]? No,” he said. “We have one full-time employee.”

You are wonderful, South Carolina. [Columbia Free Times]

Comments

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  • nounverb911

    Must….protect….corporate….overlords…..

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Y'know, when Asimov postulated his Three Laws, I thought they applied to robots, not politicians.

      • nounverb911

        Mittbot 3000?

  • edgydrifter

    Criminals can always be trusted to police themselves.

    • noodlesalad

      Fox, meet hen house.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Look at how well it worked in the mortgage industry…

    • HobbesEvilTwin

      criminals are people too, my friend*

      *as long as they make campaign contribution$*

  • prommie

    If you find her guilty, it would tend to make her look guilty.

    This is very similar to Scalia's logic in ordering the Florida recount to cease; he said "if the recount shows Bush lost, it would tend to make it look like Bush lost." Close enough.

    • Chichikovovich

      Yeah, I always liked that one. Right up there with Ted Olsen's classic one-two of arguing to halt the count, and then three weeks later arguing that the count should be abandoned because the ballots had degraded from having sat in boxes so long.

      • prommie

        I have not practiced law once since the day of the Bush coup.

  • nounverb911

    Don't BMW and Boeing count too?

    • GOPCrusher

      Did that lawsuit against Boeing ever get resolved?

      • nounverb911

        I'm not sure, but the first 787 came off the production line last week and it's for Air India.

        Air India Dreamliner.

        • Preferred Customer

          I think using a smoke machine was a poor choice. Damn thing looks like it's on fire already.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Well what's the durn sense in keepin' more inspectors if all they's gonna do is come out with bad stuff about us?

  • Lucidamente1

    "But you can't hold a whole fraternity responsible for the behavior of a few, sick twisted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn't we blame the whole fraternity system? And if the whole fraternity system is guilty, then isn't this an indictment of our educational institutions in general? I put it to you, Greg – isn't this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but we're not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America!"

    • nounverb911

      FOOD FIGHT!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      *blowjobBLOWJOB*

  • FNMA

    OK, let me see how this works: Her lawyers said punishing her for unethical behavior would impugn the reputations of people and corporations that act unethically.
    Who are her lawyers? Yossarian and Yossarian?

    • nounverb911

      That's some catch.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        It's the best there is.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Dewey, Fuckem, & Howe.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, and McCormick

  • nounverb911

    Nikki is another reason for Clemson to be ashamed of itself. (Besides the Orange Bowl and Strom Thurmond).

    • FNMA

      You just don't understand Clemson's strategy in the Orange Bowl. They planned to look so pathetic that West Virginia would beat by only 70 points and not 100. I think Nikki's lawyers were advising the coaching staff.

  • Chichikovovich

    This doesn't sound as much like the “everybody else does it, too” defense as it does the "If my client goes down, you, you, you, and you, as well as every one of the people and companies I just mentioned are going down with her. You think I am shitting you? I assure you that I am not." defense.

    • Bezoar

      I took it more as "Rocking this boat could threaten our flow of sweet, sweet corporate cash."

  • noodlesalad

    I would like to go back in time to tell our founding fathers that their thirteen beloved STATES will, in a little over 200 years, have "Corporate Partners" – so that an insurance company, a tire company and a fucking cable company are EQUAL AND ON PAR with the goddamned GOVERNMENT, just to watch them weep some serious old timey tears.

    • FNMA

      But Brawndo has what plants crave!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Equal and on par?

      Corporation: "Shuttup and make me a sammitch."
      State: "Yes, dear."

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Man, bloggers seem to get a lot of sex. Maybe I should consider a career change.

    • Generation[redacted]

      It may not be the kind of sex you want. Look what happened when Riley interviewed Breitbart.

  • bumfug

    Nikki Haley makes Indians look worse than Bobby Jindal and Ashton Kutcher combined.

    • OkieDokieDog

      Bobby Jindal/Ashton Kutcher 2016

  • Major Thom

    Nimrata/Piyush 2016!

  • nounverb911

    Isn't it time Nikki hiked the Great Himalaya Trail?

  • Boojum

    I would probe her.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I dunno, I get this whole "What the hell do you think you're DOING down there?" vibe from her.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      And with my luck, I bet she would probe me back.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Members of the committee voted 5-1 today to clear Haley of wrongdoing. The lone holdout was the only Democrat serving on the six-member panel."

    I love the sound of one hand fapping.

  • Callyson

    South Carolina’s best corporate partners: BlueCross BlueShield of South Carolina, Michelin, AT&T, Time Warner Cable, and several others

    Partners? WTF?? In what, crime? FFS, is it really necessary to spell out to the wingnuts that government is not just another form of business? That it exists to, you know, serve the social welfare of its citizens?

    Sigh…

    • BlueStateLibel

      I noticed that too. Since when does the state have "corporate partners"? Maybe I don't want to answer that.

      • Swampgas_Man

        State : Corporate Partner as Meth Addict : Pusher.

    • LesBontemps

      "corporate partners masters"

      /fixed.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    It's a great day in South Carolina, though….

  • Generation[redacted]

    It's a BEAUTIFUL day in South Carolina!

  • SorosBot

    "To find otherwise would not only impugn the integrity of many other members of the General Assembly, but also that of many of South Carolina’s best corporate partners"

    But corporations don't have any integrity to impugn.

  • WhatTheHeck

    Why do so many crazee people end up in Governors’ mansions?

    • nounverb911

      They can't get real jobs?

  • elviouslyqueer

    "I'm sorry if you thought my unethical wrongdoing was unethical."

  • Blueb4sunrise

    re-posted for p.m. fappinization
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8IkC4gM6QX4&fe

    • nonbeliever7

      Thank you for that. Her logic is quite convincing. I just…ahem…."donated".

  • Schmannnity

    Gamecockeyed logic

  • Generation[redacted]

    I see a state who's angling to overtake Texas on the CEOs' favorite buddy list.

  • HippieEsq

    It's time for South Carolina to replace their state flag with a picture of a Sloth (wearing a conferedate flag hat obvi).

    • Negropolis

      Nah, it should be be a white surrender flag with it's "corporate partners" logos plastered all over it like some NASCAR vehicle.

  • pdiddycornchips

    Shorter Gov. Haley:

    "Why fuck one lonely blogger when you can fuck the whole state?"

  • Boojum

    Under the circumstances, that's a feature, not a bug.

  • Ruhe

    The committee only has one employee? So there was only one guy on the committee who had to find his sister-in-law's worthless, dumbass, drop-out son a cushy government job? Seriously? I mean, we are talking about South Carolina. I'd have figured that committee would have a full, though utterly incompetent, staff for each member.

  • Not_So_Much

    I'm not a blogger, but I'd be willing to give her a spanking to teach her a lesson. Or a donkey punch — whatevs.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Joe Arpaio is only one full-time employee too, but look how much investigating he's able to do in his spare time.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    These charges must all be lies, 'cause whoever heard of a blogger having sex?

    • Swampgas_Man

      Except w/ himself.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Such a clear patriotic moment as this needs a proper salute. Shoot some moar cannonballs at them there Yanques librulz still a' hidin' in Fort Sumter.

  • sullivanst

    Hey, don't knock it, it worked.

  • arihaya

    nah, SC will elect Al Capone as governor if he said that he is "a born-again Christian who found Jesus"

  • bikerlaureate

    Best corporate partners are people too, my friend.

    (Amazed that no one went there. Or were you all in cahoots offline to leave this fruit unplucked?)

  • http://www.thesuniverse.blogspot.com thesuniverse

    How do these people sleep at night? I mean, besides on a giant pile of money?

  • Gainsbourg69

    She'll be alright. Republicans have managed to convince their base that corruption is somehow essential in the fight against socialism.

  • hagajim

    the committee didn’t do much in the form of an independent investigation

    Big surprise here. Grifters and thieves, run for office in S. Carolina – for the love of quid pro quo.

  • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

    More efficient defense: I'm a Republican. It's what we do.

  • rickmaci

    HotSexingwithLobbyists 1 – Legislative Ethics 0

    Ho hum.

  • Fairtackle

    South Carolinalinastanstan.

  • qwerty42

    Well, she's OK in sucackalacki, but this probably means she won't be on any tickets. Well, except she is a Republican, and this kind of stuff is OK as far as they're concerned. It's those darn treasonable "other" voters who have problems.

  • Wonderthing

    Gosh darn it, it's just not fair! I want to be corrupt too!

  • Negropolis

    Shorter Nikki: "You find me improper, and the rest of you get it. I'm serious, y'all. 'Cause I'm gonna' sing like a fucking canary, I'll tell you what, boys."

    “Do we have an investigator on our staff who can go out there and do an investigation like the State Ethics [Commission]? No,” he said. “We have one full-time employee.”

    Of course you only have one full-time investigator; you are South Carolina. 'Cause two would just be big, bad gubmint, now wouldn't it?

  • DocChaos

    Ethics are for pussies – a.k.a. Democrats.

    A poor politician is a poor politician.

  • Negropolis

    South Carolina: Because one Carolina just wasn't enough.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    "No,” he said. “We have one full-time employee.”

    And he is usually liquored up by ten in the morning anyway.

  • ttommyunger

    I am such an asshole. I can't look at her picture or hear her name without thinking about taking a weed-whacker to that huge East Indian Bush of hers.