The War of 2012The Almighty King of England, David Cameron, recently spent a lovely American spring afternoon with Barack Obama inside a sweaty gymnasium watching college athletes play basketball. They then had a lovely American spring evening at a White House state dinner, at which David Cameron saluted the American liberal president. We all know how creepy Cameron is for Obama. He is 1,000 Royal Navy battleships’ worth of creepy for him. But now Mitt Romney wants some of that action, and he will be a sourpuss until he gets it, tut tut.

Mitt Romney recently announced that he had invited himself to the opening night of the London Olympics this summer, just in case it needs some of that last-minute Romney saving that he so specializes in. But he wouldn’t say whether he’d meet with King David Cameron. It seems this John Bull has just been too lovey-dovey with the Kenyan, recently — that their special relationship threatens to disrupt the Special Relationship, as Republican logic would have it:

Referring to Cameron’s highly flattering toast to Obama during a banquet given in the prime minister’s honour when he visited Washington in March, a senior aide said: “You don’t take sides in an election year”.

The aide, who requested anonymity, said Romney and his wife, Ann, would attend the “first day of activities” of the 2012 Games, which open in July. Romney would do “one or two other things” while in London. A meeting with Cameron was not ruled out, but that was “up in the air”, the aide said.

Doubts about a possible Downing Street meeting appear to stem in part from surprise and dismay felt in the Romney camp about what it saw as Cameron’s obsequious behaviour at the banquet on 14 March.

Cameron’s performance smacked of a “lack of experience” and was seen as “not very skilful”, the aide said.

Romney advisers responsible for European policy were said to have been so alarmed that their initial reaction was to complain Cameron had “infringed” the special relationship between the US and Britain.

Time to call in the 7th-grade teacher with recess duty today to resolve this.


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  • the_onceler

    Make sure that you tell the Romney's that when they airlift their multiple Cadillacs across the pond, that the Brits drive on the other side.

    • nounverb911

      Of the Atlantic or the road?

    • chicken_thief

      "…the Brits drive on the other side."

      So Ann should "sleep" on her stomach?!

  • nounverb911

    Why doesn't Rmoney just buy the Olympics so he can go without all the riff raff?

  • freakishlywrong

    “You don’t take sides in an election year”.
    Mitt: "Unless it's my side".

    • This is going to be one of those "sat in the back of Air Force One and whine about it" moments, I bet.

  • hagajim

    Should we just change his name to Mitt Whiney now?

  • Barb

    Mitt Romney:
    Many of my friends own spotted dick.

    • nounverb911

      Cheney or Nixon?

      • Barb

        The last place Cheney was "spotted" was in a graveyard with a humpbacked friend, digging up graves in search of a heart replacement donor.

        • MosesInvests

          Could be worse-could be raining.

        • nounverb911

          Was it's name Abbie Normal?

    • No need for condomania. Joe the Plumber's cousin reports John Kerry's in laws have it covered.

    • Guppy

      No penicillin?

  • Tengu

    Romney will receive obsequious treatment from Brit Hume instead.

  • kissawookiee

    I know that in my own personal life, the best way to maintain special relationships is to avoid flattering, praising, and otherwise acknowledging the other party in any way. That's why I have so much experience in so very, very many special relationships.

  • bumfug

    Romney's guys are right, the last thing anyone should do during an election year is take sides. Wait, what?

    • iburl

      Because "election year" in the USA is election year all around the world.

  • SorosBot

    So wait, do none of them remember the obsequious behavior of Tony Blair when he accepted the position of George Bush's top foreign cock sucker?

    • sullivanst

      But that was different.

      • bumfug

        Yeah, that was for FREEDOM!

      • Oblios_Cap

        9/11 changed everything!

        • sullivanst

          And of course OBL's death changed it back. Or something.

    • JoeHoya

      Or John Major, who did some fine knob-slobbering for W.'s dad back in '92?

    • But that was ten years ago. Who remembers what happened ten years ago? As if what happened ten years ago matters. Pish! Don't be such a silly!

    • vodkamuppet

      Didn't Reagan and Thatcher have a love child together?

    • bagofmice

      Personally, this sounds like a CSI spinoff.We've gone from Downton Abbey to Downton Romney.

  • The aide, who requested anonymity…

    It doesn't mean you have to give it to them, so-called watchdogs of the press.

    / Death of the media, episode one trillion and one

    • Biff

      But they'd never ever get such juicy tidbits again!

    • Generation[redacted]

      Openly gay anonymous source.

  • BklynIlluminati

    Is this the part where Mitten's posse starts leaking slut stories about Cameron?

    • tcaalaw

      But no one would believe slut stories about David Cameron….

  • Geminisunmars

    Complaining about lack of experience and not being very skillful is a clever way to gain an audience with King Cam.

    • chicken_thief

      Right? Then if King Cam says ok, so you met with King Rookie Cam – big deal. And if he still says no, then you got dissed by a newbie. Way to paint yourself into a corner, Mittens!

  • Radiotherapy

    You know who else invited themselves to the Olympics?

    • Barb


    • nounverb911

      Hitler? Eva Braun?

    • Geminisunmars

      The Greeks?

    • noodlesalad

      Eddie the Eagle?

      • sullivanst

        Eric the Eel?

        • Advn2rgirl

          Eric the Half A Bee?

    • Jesse Owens!

    • Black September?

      • __kth__

        too soon maybe

    • chicken_thief


    • Fare la Volpe

      Richard Jewell Eric Robert Rudolph?

    • GorzoTheMighty

      Maximus Gluteus?

    • Negropolis

      Palestinian terrorists?

  • Callyson

    Apparently acknowledging their differing political outlook, Cameron went on: "You don't get to choose the leaders that you have to work with. But all I can say is that it is a pleasure to work with someone with moral strength, with clear reason and with fundamental decency in this task of renewing our great national alliance for today and for the generations to follow."

    Yeah, how dare Cameron say such a thing! Time to call the Special Relationship off!! We have always been at war with the Brits!!!


    • CthuNHu

      "You don't get to choose the leaders that you have to work with. But all I can say is that it is a pleasure to work with someone with moral strength, with clear reason and with fundamental decency — (not like that reeking sack of badger vomit Blair had to act all fluttery-eyed over)."

  • Doing America's business is so unseemly in an election year. Why won't Obama get back to work doing the nation's business?

  • BarackMyWorld

    "Romney advisers responsible for European policy…"

    I'm still not buying this whole "Romney has foreign policy advisers" thing.

    • SorosBot

      Well he fired the one for having the gay.

      • ha ha ha. like the Bushies fired the gay Arabic translatorez.

      • BarackMyWorld

        How many's that leave? Zero? Yes, zero sounds about right.

  • Watch out Mitt, they tap people's phones over there.

  • BritinSeattle

    Considering that Cameron is to the left of Obama on things like universal healthcare and gay marriage, I'm surprised that Mitt Romney would be seen dead with him…

    • nounverb911

      My reply would be a violation of the Wonkette behavior rules.

      • sharethegrief

        I'll go with 'Romney is always seen as lifeless.'

    • Guppy

      The GOP misses the monarchy.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Sorry, Mitt. He's just not that into you.

  • freakishlywrong

    In 6 short months, all of this fucking shit will be over. The Oligarchy commeth.

    • prommie

      It came long and hard, all over us, around 1981.

  • noodlesalad

    Poor Mittens. Not as likeable or cool. Still, I think the "You Skipped Us When Picking Teams in Grade School, and we're COMING FOR YOU NOW" vibe is really going to pay off in November.

  • Romney would do “one or two other things” while in London.

    Behead heretics and traitors? Because that would provide a welcome respite from NBC coverage of the Bumfighting medal round.

    • Maybe he'd zip himself in a MI6-approved baggie and take a snooze in the tub?

    • chicken_thief

      He can prolly write off the trip if he checks on his accounts there.

  • sullivanst

    Mitt, my friend, if I may point something out to you:


    Clear things up for you?

    • Srsly.

    • rickmaci

      And just so there is no mistake here, THERE IS NOT A SOUL IN THE BRIT GOVERNMENT THAT THINKS YOU EVER WILL BE.

      Got it?

  • nounverb911

    Maybe Mitt should meet with Prince Charles, he'll be the Queen soon.

    • rickmaci

      The WingTard values noise makers would be very upset if they heard that Mittenz was meeting with a Queen.

      • CthuNHu

        And Mittens would be very upset to learn that he can't placate them by firing Prince Charles.

  • MissTaken

    Ugh, you know Romney is going to spend the whole time saying crap like "When I saved Olympics" and "Do you remember during the Salt Lake games, the ones I saved incidentally…?" and "My wife like dressage, maybe she can compete on one of those horseys, too".

    • SorosBot

      What the fuck is dressage, anyway? All I've gathered is that it involves horses, and that it's one of those rich people hobbies that us peons have never heard of.

      • Fare la Volpe

        Do you really want to know what rich people do with their horses when they're alone? Really?

        Didn't think so.

        • SorosBot

          So are you implying that Ann Romney has cuckolded Mitt with a stallion? That would be the first interesting thing about her at least.

        • bagofmice

          Ever been to Enumclaw?

      • MissTaken

        I'm pretty sure it involves riding a horse up to your car elevator while you wait for your Cadillac to appear. You also have to wear an eagle shirt while on the horse.

        • Sir_Fartz_Alot

          that was the most patriotic statement. ever.

    • That motherfucker will absolutely NEVER shut up about the motherfuckin Olympics. Drove us up the wall here in MA.

    • Biff

      Maybe they can train a dressage unicorn for mittens, too?

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    One does not show respect to a head of state if that head of state is up for election, especially if that head of state is Near, and might be replaced by one of his betters.

    You'd think an English Gentleman would understand these things.

  • SockBunny

    All this implying how Cameron should act is going to get Mitt & Ann front row center at the archery play-offs.

    • rickmaci

      Javelin catcher.

  • elviouslyqueer

    I'm sorry, but did I miss the part when it was okay for an unelected candidate who hasn't even made it through his party's nominating convention to school another country's Prime Minister on his behavior toward a sitting President? Wow, talk about unmitigated gall.

    • It's that racist arrogance again. Hopey can't really be POTUS, cuz he's foreign (blah).

    • freakishlywrong

      unmiTtigated gall..

    • CthuNHu

      Cameron’s performance smacked of a “lack of experience”

      One-term governor says what?

  • Who's the preznit of the US Fucking America? The Nearer/The One/The Barry. Not some apparently delicate flower of a used car salesman like corprat 1%er dumbfuck wannabe in special undies.

    • Oblios_Cap

      judging from the Sunday morning talk shows, John McCain is our president.

    • "delicate flower of a used car salesman like corprat 1%er dumbfuck wannabe in special undies." ftw.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Delicate flower my ass. More like a persistent weed that could use a good dose of Round-Up.

  • Oh, good. Mitt is practicing looking Presidential by appearing petty. Charming. He is proving easily pushed around AND thin-skinned.

  • freakishlywrong

    Are all those awful huge-toothed boys that never served despite their war-mongering Dad going to England to bask in the spotlight as well?

  • Mittens will be introducing a new Olympic event – Hedge Fund Jumping.

    • That's a very derivative sport, but there's quite a boom in it.

  • LiveToServeYa

    Sorry, Mitt, that sweet English buggering is only available to election winners.

  • metamarcisf

    If Romney is really interested in establishing a working relationship the British government, he should pay a visit to the Queen. And Prince Charles. And his inbred, dumbass sons.

    • HistoriCat

      Say what you will about those inbred, dumbass sons – at least they didn't skip out of their country's war efforts.

  • Romney would definitely know unprofessional, inexperienced behavior when he sees it.

  • Ooooh! Where's the popcorn? Conservative BITCHSLAP!

  • Fare la Volpe

    Romney would do “one or two other things” while in London


  • ttommyunger

    Mittens, you think YOU'RE pissed? Rupert Murdoch does NOT like to share; that sweet Cameron ass is his, all his.

  • chicken_thief

    Shorter Mitt: Wah. My pussy hurts!

  • Boojum

    Guys, this is an Onion article. Here's the proof:

    "Criticism from Romney's camp is unusual. It prides itself on being extremely disciplined, careful in its dealings with the press, and averse to controversy."


  • Steverino247

    Mitt Romney thinks he's in the Special Olympics of Relationships. This explains why he's crying about not getting a medal.

  • ElPinche

    Apparently, Romney hasn't met Barry. Everybody who meets Barack gets a little moist, and becomes an Obamabot. So that's the key, DNC: Gucci Moroni has to meet Barry, then the election will be down hill from there.

  • __kth__

    Whose arse (because UK) were these supposed rules pulled out of?

  • Steverino247

    The UK equivalent of Dressage. Here's the 1815 Gold Medalist team:

  • Guppy

    The only "special relationship" Cameron is worried about is the one he has with the British electorate. As head of the British government, it his his sworn duty to represent his nation's penis envy of the United States.

  • prommie

    I would never have known of this vile breach of the special relationship (Does Israel know we are cheating on it?) if not for Romney's advisors making this row.

  • OneYieldRegular

    I must say, the Romney campaign is doing a spectacular job of starting to develop strong and respectful relations with the strongest allies of the U.S.

    • fuflans

      not to mention china which is really not helpful.

  • Generation[redacted]

    "I wanted to meet David Cameron to tell him how much I loved Titanic." –Romney foreign policy advisor.

  • I love how Mitt is constantly surprised by the fact that not everyone is waiting in line clamoring for the opportunity to give him head. Golly, Mittzy, aren't world leaders who won't kiss your presumptuous ass just the worst?

  • widestanceromance

    Damn, Willard, even Ron Paul has his own room at 10 Downing Street. Maybe you could offer to take the Queen's low-wind-resistant Corgies for a ride in one of your homes next time she crosses the pond.

  • Terry

    "Cameron’s performance smacked of a “lack of experience” and was seen as “not very skilful”, the aide said."

    Certainly, Romney's camp knows lots about both those subjects.

    • Generation[redacted]

      And when President Romney's foreign policy fails in spectacular fashion, he can blame the "lack of experience" of all the other world leaders who are "not very skillful"

  • fuflans

    damn romney is just looking worse and worse.

    all the crap he's supposed to do well – all those Important Business Management Skills – seem to completely elude him.

    mr. fuflans has been saying for months now that mitt's an untalented and uninspiring scion of political power whose success is vastly over-rated and likely not of his own making. i've been saying he MUST have some business talents – if nothing else.

    once again, mr. fuflans is probably right.

  • fuflans

    oh and here's a thing, mr. special relationship:

    the current republican party and your stated positions make the BNP look left wing.

  • PresqueVu

    Time to call in the 7th-grade teacher with recess duty today to resolve this

    Ha! 7th grade teachers only *wish* they could have recess duty like their elementary school counterparts. They're lucky to find a school where recess is still held, much less embraced by academics-driven admin or sedentary-inclined, recreationally-challenged 21st-century children.

  • Cameron's toast: But all I can say is that it is a pleasure to work with someone with moral strength, with clear reason and with fundamental decency

    (sotto voce) Especially after that wanker Bush.

  • joobajooba

    It was a toast, Mr. Romney, not a roast, for fuck's sake.

  • Referring to Cameron’s highly flattering toast to Obama during a banquet given in the prime minister’s honour when he visited Washington in March, a senior aide said: “You don’t take sides in an election year”.

    Someone must have "forgot" about this election and the last one in which a certain party loves to go to Israel and talk badly about the United States in front of Israel's legislature.

  • bagofmice

    Tell mister Romney that when he is no longer unemployed, we can talk.

  • Negropolis

    You know, this is really funny, because the commentary across the pond is that Obama doesn't like Cameron much…commentary I hope is true. These two aren't that ideologically similar. Obama was not afraid of stimulus; Cameron sent his nation's economy back into a recession because of "austerity." This is not even to mention the Conservative Party is trying to sneak in the increasing privatization of health services. I get so tired of hearing the bullshit "if (insert name of conservative, European politician here) wasan American, he'd be a Democrat" because the conservatives, over there, have been forced mightly to cede certain social issues.

  • Negropolis

    Forget the Camerons. He should just bypass politics, altogether and go straight to the top. The Royal Family is more his speed, anyway. I can hear the awkward, monied conservasations (are there any other kind with them?) between Mitt and Charles, as I type…

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