We all have our favorite news and information sources, so why should we be surprised when followers of al-Qaeda have one too? Meet Inspire, the slick, glossy mag created by American citizen (and former cheerleader) Samir Khan and featured columnist and American citizen, Anwar al-Awlaki.
Since 2010, Inspire has been thick with, well, inspiring articles such as:
- “Open Source Jihad: Make a Bomb in the Kitchen of your Mom” by the AQ Chef
- “Don’t be sad: O our Brothers in al-Shabab al-Mujahidin” by Abu Atta
- “What to expect in Jihad (Part 1 & 2)” by Mukhtar Hassan
- “I am proud to be a traitor to America” by Samir Khan
- “O Hesitant one: It’s an Obligation!” by Abu Dujanah al-Khurasani
- “The Ultimate Mowing Machine” (How to use your car to run down pedestrians)
- “Tips for Our Brothers in the United Snakes of America”
- “Destroying Buildings” by the AQ Chef
- “The Way Forward” by Abu Suhail
We don’t know who the writer named “AQ Chef” is, but it certainly seems like he could relax every once in a while and publish some recipes for barbecued goat, or something. And within moments of the publication of this Wonkette article, don’t be surprised if the Drudgery doesn’t pick up on the FACT that Obama used “The Way Forward” by Abu Suhail as inspiration for his new campaign slogan.
Unfortunately for the loyal readers of Inspire, both Khan and al-Awlaki were killed by an American drone in Yemen in late September 2011. Since then, both al-Qaeda and Inspire magazine have struggled to attract English-speaking jihadists without the benefit of their American editor and columnist. But The Terrorists will not be beaten, according to Foreign Policy magazine, even if they’ve lost their fearful leaders. They are open for deathly business and even have a a bunch of jobs available, including “sisters who can write on women-related issues.”
It’s not just the latest issue’s cover that is suffering from a lack of quality control, which, according to J.M. Berger of Intewire, “is significantly worse without Khan on board.” An article inside, instructing would-be terroristas on how to start forest fires in America, is titled, “It is of your freedom to ignite a firebomb.” They also think that Norwegian mass murderer Anders Behring Breivik represents “extremism at its peak.” Too extreme for al-Qaeda? Hey, everybody’s got a limit, we guess.
{ 126 comments }
Did you try the recipe for Paula Deen's fried macaroni & cheese on page 12?
It's from her "Just for the Halal of It" recipe book, approved by Imam Boyardee.
I thought it tasted falafel.
Are we going for a shwarma Middle Eatern food jokes?
Tabouli once, shame on me. Tabouli twice, tabouli can't tabouli again.
I thought the recipe would be easy, but it turned out to be a real PITA.
I think it was made by that drunk brother of hers, Abdullubba.
Well, she's a very freekeh girl, the kind you don't take home to father.
Make that Abdulludba and you have a palindrome which sounds like a good idea; "Palin meet drone. Drone meet Palin."
Falafel? Have you been taking sex advice from Bill O'Reilly again?
Needs more butter, and niggers.
Can we say that word on this mommyblog? You know, "butter"?
Only if you're quoting Brando lines from Last Tango in Paris…
Like "Where did I put the Viagra?"
Wow. Damn. Nice.
Jihadists the world over claim it's to die for!
Paula Deen's recipes have killed more Americans that Al-Qaeda ever dreamed of.
that sh1t will kill you! and give you dieabetus.
Barb: You are brilliant. (And I get your jokes without Cliff Notes, if you know what I mean.)
I heard the secret is a styrofoam cup of whiskey.
It is a bomb right to America's heart.
Isn't Rudy Giulliani's kid looking for a job?
Did Caroline get probation from her shoplifting spree?
Tina Brown will whip that magazine into shape.
I'm not sure the Newsweek "every third issue is about Jesus" strategy will play to Inspire's audience.
I think Tina Brown can spell better too. I'm assuming the cover line is meant to read, "Winning on the Ground", right? Since muslims don't 'wine' and dine.
I thought it was about carrying out jihad in Napa.
I'm interested to see Meghan McCain's insights on Jihadist lifestyles.
This magazine sucks. Every restaurant review ends with ALLAHU AKBAR! and then you can't get a reservation until they rebuild the joint.
Is good place to eat. I geev it t'ree IEDs.
To be avoided. Only one drone strike.
I'd geev it t'umbs down, but I blew dose off.
Large banquet hall; great for weddings.
The veal is to die for, but not a martyr's death, just a regular one.
“The Ultimate Mowing Machine” (How to use your car to run down pedestrians)
This one could be useful. Anyone on a Jazzy or wearing a tri-corn hat would, ultimately, be mowed.
Useful sequel to "The Ultimate Shin-bumping Machine" article – for the Rascal driving senior jihadis.
Lawyers for BMW are declaring jihad on the jihadis for this.
Um, Me! Me! Me! I just bought that new Honda Zero turner, and I'm itching to catch up with some of my neighbors…..!
Can you phone articles in from Gitmo?
One of the authors somehow did. :-)
Is there an Al-Qaida Teen mag?
Or is this it?
Yeah, it's called Conservative Teen.
FTW! Dag, Lisa, you can post AND comment here anytime.
Thank ewe!
You're welcome.
WIN!
I only read it for the pictures of Middle Eastern ladyparts.
I think I saw a little forehead there. What a whore.
I prefer my ladyparts to still be attached to ladies.
Oh, so you read it for the glimpses of eye sockets and ankle?
"Who Wore That Burqa Better?"
Bitch Stole My Look!
The answer is always, always Angelina Jolie.
I noticed the FBI's full page ad on page four. No wonder they discover so many plots. Fucking Genius!
ps. Full Burial Benefits Package included.
How many quatloos per word?
Suicide Bombing Victims: It's what's for Dinner!
(recipe section)
Sorry, the graphic design and branding just isn't quite speaking to me. Let's make it "pop" more and add some better istock footage and moar beveling.
And many moar Photoshop "dropshadow" filter uses.
Agreed, it doesn't seem very inspiring.
I read it on my tanning bed.
Who else was a male cheerleader who went on to power and fame?
The last two governors of Texas?
W ho could you possibly mean? W hat famous asshole combined the vapidity of cheer leading W ith the po W er of the Presidency?
Hitler?
Ole Newt?
Stupid terrists, don't they know print journalism is in the nursing home? Even Howie Kurtz saw that coming.
The annual swimburqa issue is the top seller of the year!
Burqini. It's called a burqini
“The Ultimate Mowing Machine” (How to use your car to run down pedestrians)
Asshole-American drivers are already taking care of that constantly all their own, thank you.
I wonder who they will name as "Sexiest Suicide Bomber Alive?"
Probably Bradley Cooper.
Personally, I like the gossip column: "Kaffiyeh Clatch"
"Hot hot hot: Ankle and wrist slips."
Oh dear…those paparazzi on the Persian carpet…
"10 Sassy Hijab Styles We LOVE!"
I get very useful dating advice from the Dear Abu column.
"Dear Abu,
I never thought this would happen to me, but…"
"You looked at another woman who was not your wife? Stone her!"
Dear Abu:
I'm a young suicide bomber who is troubled. I have a girlfriend. We've gone out and eaten hummus together. Drank tea. Watched Football. Held hands /cut for hedonistic western heresy/ Yet I want to die as a suicide bomber. What should I do?
Hesitant in Hebron.
Dear Hesistant,
Dude. You'll get 72 virgins in Heaven, bro. Blow up this relationship. She'll talk back to you. Wonder where you've gone. Nag you about your limited job opportunities as a suicide bomber. Do you need that western style grief? No. Go out with a bang.
Abu.
Suppose the Hindis Sikh advice from the Dear Apu column.
I was wondering why you were wearing that sexy burkha the other day.
Does this burqini make my ankles look fat?
Uh oh, I think I recognize that mountain on the cover.
http://listsofjohn.com/Images/1676.jpg
sure, laugh now, but the brothers are determining GPS coordinates using your urls.
Make sure that you are not wearing your best slippers when you stomp out the flaming goat shit bag. Who's laughing then?
I suppose me and my literate vagina need not apply. (Yes my hoohah knows how to read.) Dammit.
If it's by osmosis, I'd pay to see it.
Braille?
Probably pays more than Huffington Post so what the hell.
And there is unlimited potential to rocket to the top!
Oh, and a quote from Osama bin Laden: "NO, don't shot……..arrrrrrgh!"
Be warned, unbelievers! Allah is not mocked!
Yep.
It's terrorism when they do it.
Freedom™!
~
Yeah, it's terrorism when they do it.
Love the big healine on the cover…Wining on the Ground. Looks like their editor could use some skillz.
Page 7 has Al Qaeda's opinion on attempting to build bridges with the fervently political Right. It's a remarkable exercise in averting any semblance of self-awareness.
"Their no-compromise attitude has led them to where they stand today leaving the Muslims scratching their heads, baffled on how to tackle the problem. As long as the Muslims pursue the “building of bridges” with the kuffâr – a secular move on their part – they are bound to be disappointed as they will come to see that many are willing to burn those very bridges. In other words, it should be a wake-up call that we don’t live in a make-believe world where we all hold hands and hope to one day sing praises of the bridge’s completion."
rupert murdoch might be fit to run this?
I'm not so sure about this household tips column, Hints from Halalees.
The answer to everything is "suicide bomb"
Dust bunny? Blow it up.
Unmade bed? Blow it up.
Rearrange furniture? Blow a new window in the living room out.
I'll bet the writers still made more money than the writers on HuffPo. Or even Wonkettte.
"How To Destroy America From Within," by B. Hussein Obama.
Hmm. How surprising – Christians also have a magazine called "Inspire":
http://www.inspiremagazine.org.uk/
I has a scared. Can we please give police the power to tap our phones now? Please??!!
There are printers who won't print porn and a few who stay away from anything to do with political campaigns. I'd like to meet the printer who has no problem helping produce a magazine with articles entitled “Open Source Jihad: Make a Bomb in the Kitchen of your Mom."
This is an Onion parody, right?
The column about how to keep my sheep's naughty-bits covered was really useful. My sheep have been rape-free for 20 days. Stupid fraternity next door…
So…… 21 days ago you had, shall we refer to it as an "incident"?
Duh, winning!
Educated, literate women? Man, their standards are slipping.
At any rate, is there an iPad version?
The Movie Review section recommendations are as follows:
I Thumb blown off – don’t bother
2 Thumbs blown off – must-see
Are there Islamist versions of Ann Coulter, Glenn Beck, and James O'Keefe?
Needs more/less centerfold.
“sisters who can write on women-related issues.”
Possible articles:
"Don't Cry Out So: Holding Your Tongue During Your Well-deserved Whipping"
"Duck and Cover! How to Not Get Spotted Behind the Wheel in Saudi"
"Yemen? Ya, Mon! Where You Can Stay Unmarried Till You're 14"
"Cheer Up, He Can Still Beat You While Living In America!"
"Hymen Restoration: You Can Still Pass That Test!"
"The Unkindliest Cut: African Sisters, It's Over Before You Know It!"
"Going It Alone: Don't Even Think About It"
"“sisters who can write on women-related issues.”"
When Al Qaeda gives more attention and concern to women's issues than the Republican Party, our country is fucked.
"Wining" on the ground? What is this, the Al Queda "Gourmet"?
The USAF also publishes a magazine for al Queda members. It's called "Paradise". With articles like
"Say Hello To My Little Friend" by Drone Pilot #3857
"Come see 70 virgins at the corner of Hammed St and Taliban Boulevard in Kabul at 7:30am tomorrow morning" by Drone Pilot #7329
"Where to get porn that does not have spyware" by Captain Cafftan.
I thought 'What to expect in Jihad (Part 2)' is where they sweep up your body parts.
I'd like to hear the conversations between the Marketing Manager and the Editor over dwindling subscriptions versus diminishing readerships…
Being on their subscriber list is more dangerous than attending an Afghan wedding.
The original title they were thinking of was retro Abbie Hoffman-ish – "Blow Up this Magazine"
Wait … I thought we already saw this magazine …
Does "Make a Bomb in the Kitchen of Your Mom" suggest that some of these young lions live in their parents' basements?
Unfortunately for the loyal readers of Inspire, both Khan and al-Awlaki were killed by an American drone in Yemen in late September 2011.
Strangely enough, that is how Rupert Murdoch gets rid of his editors, too.
You know what other American traitor that ended up working for al Qaeda was a cheerleader?
What, no "10 ways to drive you imam wild?" I'm very disappointed.
Flying airplanes into skyscrapers may be bad, but it's not shooting-up-a-youth-camp bad.
I find it goes faster if you hummus
*cobbles resume together*
Wining on the Ground in Napa Valley. A fun filled weekend for two!
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