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‘Heartless Plutocrat Magazine’ Names Texas Best State For Heartless Plutocrats And Their Serfs

Yee haw!You guys, Chief Executive magazine, the #1 magazine for Chief Executives by Chief Executives that isn’t Forbes, has studied each and every one of the states of this great union of ours to determine which one is best, for Chief Executives? Can you guess which one, based on our beloved cactus-dong photo to the right there, and also based on your knowledge of what Chief Executives like? TIME’S UP, it’s Texas, Texas is the best state in America, for Chief Executives. But what makes Texas so great? Is it the barbecue, the Austin music scene, the poisonous snakes, or the complete absence of government regulations of any kind? Find out after the jump! (HINT: It is the last one.)

Texas was anointed #1 (for the 8th year in a row!) as a result of a survey of actual CEOs. Let’s examine some of their statements from this year’s survey (and last year’s too, what the heck) about the various USA American states to see what CEOs like and dislike, shall we?

  • “More than 500 CEOs considered a wide range of criteria, from taxation and regulation to workforce quality and living environment.” “Living environment,” in CEO-speak, means “ready availability of walled compounds.”
  • “CEOs indicate that workforce quality is [Indiana]‘s single greatest strength…” Oh, CEOs care about how good their workforce is!
  • “…and since it became the 23rd right-to-work state last year…” Oh, no, never mind, “workforce quality” is code for “workforce fireability.”
  • “California treats business owners like criminals. California has different overtime policies for its own employees vs. private sector.” CEOs believe that our justice system makes criminals adhere to different overtime payment schemes than the public sector! This may explain why they’re worried about America being soft on crime?
  • “A good state is one that actively encourages competitive business, demands low relative taxes and has a highly educated workforce.” CEOs think that a highly educated workforce just appears out of nowhere, like magic, without any “taxes” funding an educational system!
  • “While the Lone Star State may not be perfect — many leaders would like to see improvements in its education system…” CEOs do not actually care about education.
  • “…it is Periclean Athens compared to California in the eyes of the 550 CEOs surveyed.” CEOs do not really understand what the deal was with Periclean Athens.

Anyway, check out how the relative rankings shift up and down for these states and try to correlate them with recent election of Republican governors. (HINT: They are highly correlated.) But it isn’t all GOP cheerleading! Alabama is way down in 21st place! Is it because of its persecution of a primary source of cheap labor? Yes, let’s say that. [Chief Executive]

About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger
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121 comments

  1. Fukui-sanYesOta

    I hear Texas' Silicon Desert is really sucking in the talent. Or just sucking.

  2. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    If we could only bring back slavery, Alabama would leap back up to the top ten.

  3. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    So, the best place for a CEO is also the worse place for a worker.

    Didn't Marx write something on this?

  4. Mumbletypeg

    CEOs do not really understand what the deal was with Periclean Athens.

    Let college-age scholar of the classics Barack Obama explain it to them, then.

  5. Baconzgood

    “While the Lone Star State may not be perfect" Tex-ass is a FAR cry from perfect.

    1. WunkRocker

      They just arrested and jailed a man for passing a legitimate $50 bill. I guess no one had ever seen one.

        1. glamourdammerung

          The Volkswagen factory in Tennessee did not get the Audi model production, which would have meant a factory expansion and those are going to be built in Mexico instead. I had misunderstood my pal that was talking about it and thought they were moving an existing production unit to Mexico from there when it is apparently being moved to Mexico from Germany, so sorry about my mistake there.

          They have hired on more folks, but apparently have issues due to education and the fact that starting pay is around like$12-13 an hour with most of the hires being done through temp agencies to avoid benefits (after getting a ton of state and federal money for promising to "create jobs" at a higher rate.

          Throw in the German brass from another company getting harassed by weird "anti-illegal immigrant" laws a state over (with a goal of having the same law in Tennessee), weird gun laws (their American CEO is upset that the legislators seem to think that someone has more rights to carry a gun than the facility does to not have guns present), and weird school laws seems to have made the Germans a bit leery about expanding further there.

          1. Designer_Rants

            Can't blame them, especially since I've heard several stories on NPR about how smooth Germany's system of getting workers through technical college programs and then apprenticeships and then job placements is. Our system is downright idiotic comparatively.

  6. MMathS

    It probably has something to do with the abundance of steers and queers, also, too.

  7. Not_So_Much

    I guess they went with the name 'Chief Executive' because 'Fucking Selfish Asshole Megalomaniac Plutocrat Douchecanoe' was too lengthy.

  8. Schmannnity

    "A good state is one that actively encourages competitive business, demands low relative taxes and has a highly educated workforce.”

    Right. Because a highly educated workforce grows on trees, not taxes. Best state: one that under funds education and whose workforce is educated in Massachusetts.

  9. HippieEsq

    Texas is also second-closest in geographic proximity (behind FL) to Columbian prostitutes.

  10. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    "Plus, these 10 gallons hats make my tiny wang feel bigger. Yee Haw!" PEW PEW PEW!

  11. chicken_thief

    No mention of the fun packed trips to Niggerhead to bond with Perry-winkle as a reason they love them some Texas?

  12. SayItWithWookies

    Now if only those fucking greedhead CEOs could get workers with California educations who work for Mexican wages they'd be set.

  13. bumfug

    Plus they have great access to plenty of Mexicans to keep everything clean and trimmed.

    1. Designer_Rants

      Yeah, that statement is fucking disgusting. Texas is Waaaaaaayyyyy better than Commie Cali, cuz, it's cool with wage slavery; hell, maybe even actual slavery! Stay tuned, plutocrats. I hope your walled compounds get filled with water and we all find out how human aquariums work (or don't work).

  14. MissTaken

    I spent three days in Texas several years ago. And I'm still pissed about it.

    1. Warwhatgoodfor

      Hell, I spent a couple of years there in August doing my two week indoctrination on how to be a medical officer and gentleman. Didn't take.

  15. ttommyunger

    This State is one huge outdoor toilet, populated by people with big egos and tiny brains. I've lived there, I know what I'm talking about.

  16. Callyson

    “California treats business owners like criminals."

    Yeah, that's why worker's compensation reform happened, and why commercial property taxes were covered by Prop 13 (which was sold to CA voters as a way to keep Grandma from having to sell her house to pay her taxes.)

    Brainless as well as heartless…

    1. Steverino247

      The fact that many of them are actually criminals (labor and environmental law violations) should not detract from that argument.

  17. Wile E. Quixote

    “A good state is one that actively encourages competitive business, demands low relative taxes and has a highly educated workforce.”

    They can't be too highly educated in Texas, after all this is the state that elected George W. Bush and Rick Perry, more than once I might add.

    1. Jennyjen798

      By highly educated they mean "company educated". You know, smart enough to follow orders but not smart enough to think for themselves. Those big corporations just love blind followers they can influence and persuade to work against their own interests. Works even better if they can throw "swag" and tradition at them. It's like going to Texas A & M FOREVER! Gig'em!

  18. Schmannnity

    WE'RE NUMBER 2! WE'RE NUMBER 2! WE'RE NUMBER 2!

    We'd be Number 1 if they considered gun laws, gubernatorial shaved heads, and general corruption.

  19. elviouslyqueer

    “Mississippi has made tremendous improvements in their legal system reforms since year 2003.”

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Right.

  20. chascates

    Plus in most rural areas elected sheriffs are the law. And easily, uh, persuaded if you know what I mean. And you aren't a real CEO if you don't.

    1. IndianaKevin

      It's a reference to Pericles, about which dictionary.com tells us: (ˈpɛrɪˌkliːz) — n ?495–429 bc , Athenian statesman and leader of the popular party, who contributed greatly to Athens' political and cultural supremacy in Greece. Brother of Testicles (ˈtɛstɪˌkliːz).

  21. Wile E. Quixote

    CEOs do not really understand what the deal was with Periclean Athens.

    What do you mean, there were a lot of people getting fucked up the ass in Periclean Athens, and American CEOs are all about fucking people up the ass.

    1. Warwhatgoodfor

      Just noticed the avatar. I liked old Buck Turgeson. Girlfriend wasn't too bad either.

  22. Lucidamente1

    Not to get too technical, but some of those bottom-feeding states like Connecticut, New York, and California actually send more money to the federal treasury than they get back; the reverse is true of places like Alabama, Mississippi, and Tennessee.

    1. actor212

      Now, in fairness, Texas actually produces next tax revenue to the Feds, but only, and I mean only, because of gas and oil taxes.

      1. ifthethunderdontgetya

        AND!

        Those taxes are still too low, because back when oil was 20$ a barrel, tax incentives were passed to encourage exploration and production.

        Now that it's a $100, those tax breaks are still there. Simply because the oil companies are making so much money that they can easily bribe all our politicians, and pay for big fancy ads in our corporate media.
        ~

  23. memzilla

    Pericles was famous for speechifying against the democratizing influence of the Greek Navy.

    Around 400 B.C., once Greece took to heart that it had to become a maritime power to survive and prosper — protecting grain shipments from the Ukraine through the Bosporous, trade with the Aegean Islands, Sicily, and North Africa — it had to acknowledge that the simple oarsmen of its triremes, quadremes, and quinqeremes were the backbone of its navy and could not be p***ed off, else no trade, else no money, else no survival.

    You could build thousands of ships, but if you couldn't find the men to row them, the ships were worse than useless.

    So Greece had to grant certain rights and privileges to the underclass, elevating them to beyond slavery, in order to entice them to be cooped up in the stinking holds of leaky ships for months and years at a time. In compensation for low wages, they were granted certain rights of citizenry.

    And this simple reality p***ed off Pericles no end.

    Rick Perry and Pericles — separated at birth?

  24. C_R_Eature

    “While the Lone Star State may not be perfect — many leaders would like to see improvements in its education system…” it is Periclean Athens compared to California in the eyes of the 550 CEOs surveyed.”

    550 CEO's favorably compared Perry's Texas to Pericles' Athens, in public and on the record.

    Now, I understand so much more about the catastrophically inept MBA Presidency of George W. Bush. Thanks very much, Chief Executive magazine!

      1. C_R_Eature

        It's possible they think they're referring to "Perineum grease", which would be something completely different.

    1. weejee

      Is this site related to the Dykes Daughters of the Republic of Tejas who burn a Messican or three each year at the Alamo?

    1. SorosBot

      "I know, I know. Austin is different."

      Good work to prevent the usual "I'm from Austin, we're not like the rest of Texas" whining that usually comes whenever anyone mocks Texas online.

      1. babyeinstein

        I would also like to point out that the first comment on this article was literally this.

  25. BaldarTFlagass

    I've lived here in TX for 35 years, because I know that when I achieve the American Dream and become a Heartless Plutocrat, I'm already in Heartless Plutocrat Heaven and won't have to be calling Century 21 or Bekins.

    1. Texan_Bulldog

      I've been here since 1985 (4 years at Fort Hood, 2 horrible years in Irving & the rest in Austin). I'd be the first to admit we have our share of dildos & corruption, but the Tex-Mex, live music and diversity (at least here) really make it easier to tune out my RW friends.

      1. Jennyjen798

        I was born a poor Messican child in Grand Prairie, TX, the asshole of the Metroplex! I've lived ever so briefly in K-town, so what in the world happened in Irving that made it worse than Killeen? And yes thank Zeus for Austin! It's the only place in Texas I can see myself staying for the rest of my life.

        1. Texan_Bulldog

          "so what in the world happened in Irving that made it worse than Killeen?"

          1. It took almost an hour to drive 8 freaking miles down the road to work everyday.
          2. Half the damn county is dry & you have to buy these stupid club cards and then you lose them & have to buy them again. What a racket!
          3. People there were so pretentious & pains in the asses.

          Two years was all we could hack it there and we hightailed it back to Austin!

    2. fartknocker

      I was born in Tyler, Texas which is known for nothing other than roses, hating blacks, and was once a Democrat strong hold. I left when I was 18, moved to Austin, and have been here for 34 years. We're kind of in a bubble here as people are generally nice, the food is good, and we have a great music scene.

      We also renamed our main bridge from South Austin into downtown after former Governor Ann Richards. I would like to start a petition to name the waste water clarification ponds at the Walnut Creek Water Treatment plant after Rick Perry because that where the predominance of the shit in Austin is treated.

  26. edgydrifter

    This certainly explains the total lack of successful multinational conglomerates headquartered in New York and California. Manhattan is just one big Potemkin Island of empty towers built to fool the rubes.

    1. EloquentScience

      Yes, but Chief Executive magazine warns about the impending class war there. Texas residents have already succumbed to the Koolaid the Chiefs provide, so war won't break out there.

  27. BklynIlluminati

    They forgot the best part the ability to live and act like 19th Century robber barons and no one will look down on you plus you get to mingle with all the other great robber barons freely!

  28. Dudleydidwrong

    This almost defies snark. Chief executives find Tejas a good place to run their businesses because they are in an environment in which their employees (proles) have no rights. If that's what makes 'Murica a great country and is the top of the heap for CEOs then we're all basically fucked. I'll bet that five thousand CEOs of companies that are not in Tejas are fapping to that article right now: "Uh, uh, uh….ahhhh…gonna move this sum'bitch to Texas and get me a ten gallon hat…and pointy shoes… They're all sounding just like Kim Fowley, my favorite Animal Man.

  29. SorosBot

    For its complete lack of any regulations or taxes, Chief Executive magazine also ranked as its top continent Antarctica, even though the penguins are a poorly educated workforce.

  30. Toomush_Infer

    Here's the idea: we cut the federal deficit by selling Texas to Mexico (it's theirs, anyway). That way, we can put the fence through Texarkana….

  31. owhatever

    “A good state is one that actively encourages competitive business, demands low relative taxes and has a highly educated workforce.”

    This was scrawled with BBQ sauce on a napkin by the CEO of Bubba's Fart-Beans and Guns, outside of Lubbock. It means Wal-Mart South competing with Wal-Mart North, no taxes for the gummint to waste, no minimum wage, no damn regulations, and Mexican slave workers who can recite most of the vowels in the American language.

    1. Rotundo_

      Not to be confused with the Asshole of the Universe, though you can see and smell it from here!

  32. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    This list seems to be just about inverse to a list of states that regular people actually want to live in. Except for California. Everyone hates California.

  33. sullivanst

    it is Periclean Athens compared to California

    Yes, about 2,500 years behind seems right.

  34. Jus_Wonderin

    Periclean Athens. Wonderful car, but I had to sell it when we had a kid. Now the Ms.JW drives a Draconian Vesuvius. In fact, she drives two of them just like that precious Ann Romney.

  35. chascates

    People ask me "have you lived your whole life in Texas" and I answer "so far but by God I'm hoping to change that."

    1. Generation[redacted]

      I say, "I'm from Texas, a long way from Texas and that's where I like to be."

  36. Steverino247

    I have foreign service in Korea, Germany and Texas. My sons were born there but I hear they are still eligible to be President because I was stationed there at the time.

  37. Antispandex

    "…every one of the states of this great union of ours to determine which one is best, for Chief Executives?"

    See, you used the word "union" in a story about C.E.O.'s. That's really not very nice. Also, it's why the bestest state ever is Texas. They don't let you use that word there.

  38. Boojum

    I overheard a conversation this morning between a couple of greed heads. It was all about the horrible socialism and unions, then immediately turned to the gobs and gobs of giant munnies they were all making. There was not the slightest hesitation at the inconsistency.

  39. Mumbly_Joe

    Just to be clear, this is a list of the top places where CEOs like to exploit workers, and not top states that CEOs actually like to live in.

    In fact, I believe you will find the latter set of states situated at number 44, 45, 47, 48, 49, and 50 on this list. Almost as though letting businesses run roughshod over a state's residents in a race to the bottom line somehow makes those states less desirable places to live, or something.

    1. Negropolis

      I feel shitty that you openly left out 46. lol It was the only one in the sequence, in fact. Poor Michigan. No respect, I tells ya'; no respect.

      1. Mumbly_Joe

        Yeah, I felt a little bad about that. Truthfully, I was thinking about states with the highest numbers of millionaires per capita, and the fact that that list really is just this one reversed. And actually, Michigan is no slouch there, at #17.

        Interestingly enough, Virginia is the only state that ends up near the top of both lists, thanks to their high concentration of lobbyists and contractors. There's good money to be made in corrupting democracy, it seems.

  40. Mumbly_Joe

    California treats business owners like criminals.

    Honestly, a "three strikes rule" for business owners might not be a terrible idea, now that you mention it.

  41. iburl

    This is timely:

    Texas Governor Rick Perry 'interested' 2016 run for the White House
    http://www.examiner.com/article/texas-governor-ri

    Kinda like how I'm 'interested' in 'dating' Olivia Munn.

    Perry's approval in Texas now:
    According to numbers from Public Policy Polling, 64 percent of respondents said Perry should not run for governor again while 29 percent said he should. A fewer amount of Texans showed support for another Perry presidential run in 2016 – only 19 percent in favor. http://blog.chron.com/texaspolitics/2012/04/poll-

  42. MosesInvests

    I'm glad that if I have to live in Texas, I can live in Austin. Great city, but drive 20 minutes in any direction and you're in Dumbfuckistan. You can actually feel the average IQ in Austin drop 20 points when the Lege is in session.

    1. Jennyjen798

      True story! I work near the Capitol, the conversations you overhear from these guys ugh! Not to mention the number of state official vehicles that don't know that you're supposed to yield to pedestrians in the cross walks. You see this giant SUV with NOBAMA! DONT TREAD ON ME! KEEP THE CHANGE! Stickers and state official plates? IT MEANS I'M FUCKING IMPORTANT! GET OUT OF MY WAY YOU SMELLY HIPPIES AND POORS!

  43. DahBoner

    Texas has almost no regulations of utilities and pay some of the highest prices in the country.

    Coincidence, ya think?

    1. Chichikovovich

      The key word is "almost". Once they get rid of those last few regulations, utilities will be free.

  44. Terry

    Funny that Texas' leading employer is actually the Federal government. Try counting up all the military bases, government facilities and offices, and so forth. For a bunch of rugged individualists, they sure are firmly attached to the government teat.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Well, it's clearly time to start moving those bases and facilities elsewhere. It would be shameful for the Fed government presence to oppress those freedom-lovers any more than they already have.

  45. Jus_Wonderin

    Well, you know how it is down here. Don't rent your Texas to illegal immigrants. My fair suburb has a law against it.

  46. Warwhatgoodfor

    Mark Twain did say "heaven for climate, hell for society". He also mentioned that he wasn't too worried about needing a coat after he died. And that he understood that all you did in heaven was play the harp and sing "hozzanah and glory be to god" for the rest of eternity, and if that wasn't hell he didn't know what was.

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