IN LIKE A LION OUT LIKE A LAMM  9:28 am May 3, 2012

Susan G. Komen and The Dictator’s Daughter Had A Lovely Cure For The Race

by Lisa Wines

Hot (genital electrodes) for teacherWe were all waiting with bated breath to see how things went for Susan G. Komen and their best bud Gulnara Karimova, the Dictator’s daughter and the Terror of Tashkent, in the May 1 Race for the Cure in Uzbekibekistanstan.

Well, according to Gulnara’s press release, the race was a huge success, attracting 20,000 people. And the International Race Ambassador of Susan G. Komen for the Cure, Donna Sanderson, was In Tashkent on May 1, personally handing out awards. Gulnara was there too, handing out awards. Did they hand out awards at the same time? On the same stage? And did they pretend not to know each other? We simply don’t know. But you know who else is pretending he doesn’t know the Dictator’s Daughter and her Daddy (the Dictator)? One Barack Hussein Obama, that’s who.

With their constant boiling people in water and torturing them like it’s 966, Gulnara Karimova and her daddy, Islam Karimova are not likely to get an audience with the president at the upcoming NATO summit (May 20-21) in Chicago, even though our president is under intense pressure from American Carolyn Lamm. Ms. Lamm is currently Uzbekistan’s lobbyist and has lobbied for other Dastardly Dictators like Libya’s Gaddafi and Zaire’s Mobutu Sese Seko. She was legal counsel for Gulnara’s company Zeromax (for whom she scored huge Pentagon contracts) and trial lawyer for the Uzbek government in the case against the Uzbek government and Coca-Cola, brought by Gulnara’s ex-husband. She is currently Chairwoman of the American-Uzbekistan Chamber of Commerce and was also a US Justice Department trial attorney (fraud division) and former president of the American Bar Association. Busy girl. Her letter to Obama requests a face-to-face meeting with Karimov senior and praises Uzbekistan as a stable government and strategic partner. Obama is also being not-so-subtly threatened by the Uzbekistan government that if he doesn’t get his picture taken shaking hands with Daddy Karimov in Chicago, they will slow down or stop transit operations for the withdrawal from Afghanistan.

Tashkent has also been pressuring the UK, evidently. And their alleged list of demands involves placing Gulnara as the Uzbek ambassador in London. Word from the somewhat unreliable underground is that the UK government has no desire to receive Gulnara in the UK but they feel a bit like their arses are “over a barrel” if they don’t comply, since they also need to get a lot of military shinola out of Afghanistan.

Meanwhile, things aren’t so peachy in the land of forced child labor. Just a week before the race, the Cotton Campaign wrote a letter to Hillary Clinton asking her to pressure Uzbekistan to put an end to forced labor. One day after the race, a Turkish businessman filed a torture case against Uzbekistan because Gulnara’s daddy’s National Security Service arrested him, seized $60 million of his assets and tortured him and a few of his associates.

“We were tortured badly using electric shocks,” Güneş said. “We saw people tortured to death; some of them had heads, hands and bodies dismembered.”

But besides all that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the race? Well Komen’s representative had an awesome time and posted some pictures on Facebook. In addition to a very nice group photo of Donna with breast cancer survivors, she snapped pics of a female street sweeper with a branch broom and was “intrigued” with “a women’s work never being done” and observed, “Their brooms work so well and there is something very calming about watching them do their work.” That’s nice. Brooms made from sticks for everyone! So is she Facebook friends with Gulnara? No. Gulnara only has nine friends.

Perhaps Gulnara Karimova is trying to make herself some more friends while being philanthropic-ish (while simultaneously trying to be the Ambassador to Spain, permanent representative to the UN, a poli-sci prof, owner of a soccer club, a fashion designer, a jewelry designer, a rock star, an AIDS vanquisher…) so she can boost her tarnished image. It’s sad, really. No matter how hard Gulnara and her daddy try to look like upstanding citizens of the world and protectors of women’s breasts, they just don’t get the respect they deserve.

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SudsMcKenzie May 3, 2012 at 9:31 am

I'm guessing the Kenyan won.

ManchuCandidate May 3, 2012 at 9:38 am

Ha, but no. Gulnara won the race. Set a world record, too. In fact, these nice gentlemen armed with AK-74s pointed at me tell me that I should also say she is the warmest, nicest, most honest human being I've ever met and would never torture or act like a spoiled brat to get her way.

Preferred Customer May 3, 2012 at 10:23 am

Truth is stranger then fiction, at least in the 'stans:

Oh, Gurbanguli. You, like Uncle Vlad, truly are an effortlessly competent man of action.

lisawines May 3, 2012 at 10:39 am

That jalopnik article was great! And the comments were even better. I think Wonkette needs picture comments tooo.

Major Thom May 3, 2012 at 9:40 am

Obama was on his way to Afghaniganistanstan, or he would have won.

Chet Kincaid May 3, 2012 at 10:51 am

I don't think so. According to his old girlfriend's diary, she beat him in a footrace.

Chow Yun Flat May 3, 2012 at 9:52 am

Yeah, but they always win–and finish second, third. fourth…

Barb May 3, 2012 at 9:33 am

Has Daddy's little dictatertot demanded from Lorne Michaels that she become permanent host of SNL, sole musical guest and that she pen all " Saturday TV Fun House" clips? I can't wait to see "Ambiguously Dictatorial Duo."

Did ya'll know that Stephen Colbert is the voice of "Ace" of the "Ambiguously Gay Duo?"

Rosie_Scenario May 3, 2012 at 9:55 am

And Steve Carrell is Gary.

SudsMcKenzie May 3, 2012 at 10:40 am

Just made me remember "EvenStevphen" on Daily, … thanks

FlownOver May 3, 2012 at 10:01 am

Next up: Fred Armisen and Vanessa Bayer as "Gulnara's best friends," because we haven't seen that routine nearly enough yet when it was Gaddafi, then Kim Jong-Un.

I mean, we're all for recycling, but Jeebus!

weejee May 3, 2012 at 10:17 am

little dictatertot

What wonderful word play with which to start the morn. Thanks Barb.

Chet Kincaid May 3, 2012 at 10:33 am

Yes, that is very good!

Barb May 3, 2012 at 11:11 am

Thanks Weejee and good morning to you!

lisawines May 3, 2012 at 11:38 am

Waaaaaay jealous that you got to dictatertot before me.

Barb May 3, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Meh, I'll be drunk later and I won't notice if you take it. Cheers!

Boojum May 3, 2012 at 9:34 am

Would it be wrong to hope that the zombies of all the people they tortured tear her breasts off and eat them?

I think it could go either way.

niblick77 May 3, 2012 at 9:36 am

I am a big supporter of women's breasts……….

ThundercatHo May 3, 2012 at 10:00 am

"I am a supporter of women's big breasts." — my bras

Chet Kincaid May 3, 2012 at 10:35 am

But are you an athletic supporter?

FakaktaSouth May 3, 2012 at 10:57 am

Me! Me! Ask me! I'm a total jock strap. But for boobies and working out, establishing the proper push em out so they look good / hold em in so you can work out properly ratio is a bitch. I usually err towards the up and out strategery, I like for people to open doors for me and such.

ThundercatHo May 3, 2012 at 12:10 pm

I save the "up and out" bras for when I have to put on nice clothes since they have steel girders and tend to leave nasty red marks across my ribcage. But, I know what you mean, being blonde with big boobs (as inconvenient as they are) has not been a disadvantage.

Major Thom May 3, 2012 at 9:36 am

Maybe the Pizzaman had it right.

bureaucrap May 3, 2012 at 9:37 am

She needs friends? She and the Koch Brothers were made for each other. they should friend each other on facebook and trade their "My goons beating up dissidents" pics.

Goonemeritus May 3, 2012 at 9:37 am

I just scanned the article but I am getting the gist that this Gulnara person is bad.

Lucidamente1 May 3, 2012 at 9:38 am

Maybe she could hire Uncle Duke to do her lobbying. He's got more time on his hands now that the Trff Bmzklfrpz account is closed.

Chet Kincaid May 3, 2012 at 10:36 am

Hunter Thompson had a right to be mad. Trudeau straight up stole his persona, adding nothing to it nor skewing it in some original way.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 3, 2012 at 10:45 am

"Skewing" Hunter Thompson's persona? There's an interesting concept.

Fare la Volpe May 3, 2012 at 9:38 am

The late Ms. Komen would be so proud.

SudsMcKenzie May 3, 2012 at 9:40 am

That picture reminds me, I have some overdue library books I should really return, … and I've been a bad, bad boy.

Guppy May 3, 2012 at 10:14 am

There is no safe word.

chicken_thief May 3, 2012 at 10:16 am

I'd be a little concerned about where that dildo/pen might end up….

SudsMcKenzie May 3, 2012 at 10:34 am

I don't think theres ink in that thing.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 3, 2012 at 10:46 am

Buried four inches deep into your ear, more likely than not.

UW8316154 May 3, 2012 at 9:41 am


ManchuCandidate May 3, 2012 at 9:42 am

Guys don't make passes at torturers who wear glasses.

DerrickWildcat May 3, 2012 at 9:46 am

I was in Tashkent on May, 2. She must have left by then because I didn't see her.

Chow Yun Flat May 3, 2012 at 9:48 am

What's a little torture compared to access to airbases that are relatively close to Pakistan and Afghanistan? Some torture, extra-judicial killings and disappearances are just grease for the wheels of geopolitics.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 3, 2012 at 10:49 am

"grease for the wheels of geopolitics"

So that's why Karimova has people boiled. All this time, I thought they had oil.

Chow Yun Flat May 3, 2012 at 11:18 am

Metaphors by Mixmaster.

FakaktaSouth May 3, 2012 at 9:50 am

What do they do in Uzbekibekibekistanstan if you DO have breast cancer now? If they sterilize womens for having babies, don't you reckon they pretty much just shoot gals with lumps on sight?

Biff May 3, 2012 at 10:26 am

It's a personal failure.

BaldarTFlagass May 3, 2012 at 9:58 am

Breasts are people too, my friends.

DaRooster May 3, 2012 at 10:18 am

… and these are just the right…

Toomush_Infer May 3, 2012 at 9:59 am

Breasts/torture….it's all so kinky, that Eastern side of the world….no wonder most of the women have to cover up all the time….

Not_So_Much May 3, 2012 at 10:00 am

How much do ya think this Carolyn Lamm person reeks of sulfur when she enters a room?

freakishlywrong May 3, 2012 at 10:05 am

More like Run for Your Life.

unclejeems May 3, 2012 at 10:07 am

One of the wonders of our age is that the US is now producing highly educated female sleaze-buckets like the shysteress Ms. Lamm who see no contradiction in lecturing us hoi-poloi about the nobility of the law and then taking money dripping with blood from dictators so vile that the devil's disowned them.

JudasPeckerwood May 3, 2012 at 11:59 am

You come a long way, baby!

PubOption May 3, 2012 at 10:08 am

The last statue of Stalin was removed last year.
Now what will Karimov and his daughter use for inspiration?

sharethegrief May 3, 2012 at 10:21 am

Dick Cheney.

weejee May 3, 2012 at 10:21 am

Vlad the Impaler?

Biel_ze_Bubba May 3, 2012 at 10:54 am

Tamerlane. (Seriously.)

lisawines May 3, 2012 at 11:40 am

I can't believe you said that. The part about Tamerlane was edited out of the article (because I suffer from humongous verbosity). Did you notice that the Komen gal, Donna, took a picture of his statue too?

Biel_ze_Bubba May 3, 2012 at 12:09 pm

That statue replaced a Soviet-era statue of Marx, which seemed germane to the topic at hand.

lisawines May 3, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Did you see on Wikipedia about how he "ordered the complete massacre of the city, killing a reported 70,000 citizens. An eye-witness counted more than 28 towers, each constructed of about 1,500 heads." and upon whose tomb (opened in 1941 by a Soviet anthropologist) were inscribed the following prophetic words:
"Who ever opens my tomb, shall unleash an invader more terrible than I."

Chet Kincaid May 3, 2012 at 10:55 am
Doktor StrangeZoom May 3, 2012 at 10:08 am

When has a little torture by a "strategic ally" ever come between the US and its coalition of the willing?

ifthethunderdontgetya May 3, 2012 at 10:10 am

Sorry, Gulnara.

We only coddle our own torturers in this country.


OneYieldRegular May 3, 2012 at 10:11 am

I assume everyone wore bright pink to help mask the corruption and torture.

cmdenton47 May 3, 2012 at 10:13 am

Who does she think she is – a member of the Bush Administration?

chicken_thief May 3, 2012 at 10:14 am

Did you see how they were dressed and the way they were acting?!!! Those people were just begging to be tortured….

Guppy May 3, 2012 at 10:15 am

The next time we invade a country, can we make sure they're not landlocked first?

Chow Yun Flat May 3, 2012 at 10:16 am

The International Labo(u)r Organization doesn't need to investigate if state owned Uzbekistan cotton enterprises uses forced child labor to meet their quotas. A personal representative of Islam Karimov said Uzbek kids like to pick cotton during recess.

Guppy May 3, 2012 at 10:58 am

And what kid wouldn't love having "recess" for twelve hours a day?

DaRooster May 3, 2012 at 10:16 am

“Their brooms work so well and there is something very calming about watching them do their work.”

Rmoney? Is that you?
I personally find it far more calming when people do my work…

Chet Kincaid May 3, 2012 at 10:30 am

Well Komen’s representative had an awesome time and posted some pictures on Facebook. …she snapped pics of a female street sweeper with a branch broom and was “intrigued” with “a women’s work never being done” and observed, “Their brooms work so well and there is something very calming about watching them do their work.”

Dame Noonington is filing opium-fueled impressions of eastern serfdom from the Foreign Bureau now?

Chow Yun Flat May 3, 2012 at 10:33 am

Gulnara Karimova is a real renaissance woman: celebutante, torturer, dictator in waiting.

sullivanst May 3, 2012 at 10:54 am

Her letter to Obama requests a face-to-face meeting with Karimova senior and praises Uzbekistan as a stable government and strategic partner.

You know who else led a stable government?

Chow Yun Flat May 3, 2012 at 11:20 am

Mobutu Sese Seko?

lisawines May 3, 2012 at 11:25 am

Mister Ed?

Generation[redacted] May 3, 2012 at 11:51 am

Rufus T. Firefly?

doloras May 3, 2012 at 9:19 pm

Fulgencio Batista?

PresqueVu May 3, 2012 at 11:21 am

Tila Tequila sure looks like hell, the way they 'shopped her hair/ complexion's hue/saturation. Took the "if it's yellow, let it mellow" trope a little too far.

SaintRond May 3, 2012 at 11:35 am

You say atrocity. I say BUKKAKE!

Let's call the whole thing off.

Exhausted66 May 3, 2012 at 11:46 am

Me thinks the lady doth hide her cleavage with her arm too much.

Also, torture – booo!

Ducksworthy May 3, 2012 at 12:23 pm

You people don't seem to understand the difference between authoritarians and totalitarians. Authoritarians are fulfilling the mission of GOP on earth. Totalitarians are over doing it.

ttommyunger May 3, 2012 at 12:47 pm

America has lost its right to ride a high horse about torture, due process or human rights in general. You can thank Bush/Cheney et. al. for that gift.

barto May 3, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Are we sure they didn't confuse the "race" with the May Day "parade" in which legions of goose-stepping slave children adorned in costumes they were force-labored to make overnight salute the dear leader and other dignitaries like Donna? Just guessing here.

owhatever May 3, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Don't cry for me Uzbeki-beki-stan-stan.

BenGleck May 3, 2012 at 2:35 pm

I've been saying "the Cure for the Race" ever since they started saying "Race for the Cure". I guess I am just as sick a (fuck) jerk as y'all are.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 4, 2012 at 4:22 am

I think Hitler invaded Russia at about the time the Soviets opened the tomb. (Cue theme from Twilight Zone.)

But yeah, Tamerlane was a real charmer. Just the sort of noble statesman you'd want to erect a statue to, and re-brand as the Father of your Country! As a comic-book dictator, Karimova hits every note so perfectly that only someone as over-the-top as Sacha Baron Cohen could swing the Charlie Chaplin role.

lisawines May 4, 2012 at 5:39 am

Ah! I didn't put 1941 and Hitler together in my mind but as we know, everything eventually comes down to Hitler. Would love to see Cohen do his thing with Uzbekistan but he's probably very tired of being Borat.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 5, 2012 at 5:20 pm
lisawines May 6, 2012 at 1:14 am

I can't wait!

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