Hot (genital electrodes) for teacherWe were all waiting with bated breath to see how things went for Susan G. Komen and their best bud Gulnara Karimova, the Dictator’s daughter and the Terror of Tashkent, in the May 1 Race for the Cure in Uzbekibekistanstan.

Well, according to Gulnara’s press release, the race was a huge success, attracting 20,000 people. And the International Race Ambassador of Susan G. Komen for the Cure, Donna Sanderson, was In Tashkent on May 1, personally handing out awards. Gulnara was there too, handing out awards. Did they hand out awards at the same time? On the same stage? And did they pretend not to know each other? We simply don’t know. But you know who else is pretending he doesn’t know the Dictator’s Daughter and her Daddy (the Dictator)? One Barack Hussein Obama, that’s who.

With their constant boiling people in water and torturing them like it’s 966, Gulnara Karimova and her daddy, Islam Karimova are not likely to get an audience with the president at the upcoming NATO summit (May 20-21) in Chicago, even though our president is under intense pressure from American Carolyn Lamm. Ms. Lamm is currently Uzbekistan’s lobbyist and has lobbied for other Dastardly Dictators like Libya’s Gaddafi and Zaire’s Mobutu Sese Seko. She was legal counsel for Gulnara’s company Zeromax (for whom she scored huge Pentagon contracts) and trial lawyer for the Uzbek government in the case against the Uzbek government and Coca-Cola, brought by Gulnara’s ex-husband. She is currently Chairwoman of the American-Uzbekistan Chamber of Commerce and was also a US Justice Department trial attorney (fraud division) and former president of the American Bar Association. Busy girl. Her letter to Obama requests a face-to-face meeting with Karimov senior and praises Uzbekistan as a stable government and strategic partner. Obama is also being not-so-subtly threatened by the Uzbekistan government that if he doesn’t get his picture taken shaking hands with Daddy Karimov in Chicago, they will slow down or stop transit operations for the withdrawal from Afghanistan.

Tashkent has also been pressuring the UK, evidently. And their alleged list of demands involves placing Gulnara as the Uzbek ambassador in London. Word from the somewhat unreliable underground is that the UK government has no desire to receive Gulnara in the UK but they feel a bit like their arses are “over a barrel” if they don’t comply, since they also need to get a lot of military shinola out of Afghanistan.

Meanwhile, things aren’t so peachy in the land of forced child labor. Just a week before the race, the Cotton Campaign wrote a letter to Hillary Clinton asking her to pressure Uzbekistan to put an end to forced labor. One day after the race, a Turkish businessman filed a torture case against Uzbekistan because Gulnara’s daddy’s National Security Service arrested him, seized $60 million of his assets and tortured him and a few of his associates.

“We were tortured badly using electric shocks,” Güneş said. “We saw people tortured to death; some of them had heads, hands and bodies dismembered.”

But besides all that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the race? Well Komen’s representative had an awesome time and posted some pictures on Facebook. In addition to a very nice group photo of Donna with breast cancer survivors, she snapped pics of a female street sweeper with a branch broom and was “intrigued” with “a women’s work never being done” and observed, “Their brooms work so well and there is something very calming about watching them do their work.” That’s nice. Brooms made from sticks for everyone! So is she Facebook friends with Gulnara? No. Gulnara only has nine friends.

Perhaps Gulnara Karimova is trying to make herself some more friends while being philanthropic-ish (while simultaneously trying to be the Ambassador to Spain, permanent representative to the UN, a poli-sci prof, owner of a soccer club, a fashion designer, a jewelry designer, a rock star, an AIDS vanquisher…) so she can boost her tarnished image. It’s sad, really. No matter how hard Gulnara and her daddy try to look like upstanding citizens of the world and protectors of women’s breasts, they just don’t get the respect they deserve.

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  • SudsMcKenzie

    I'm guessing the Kenyan won.

    • Ha, but no. Gulnara won the race. Set a world record, too. In fact, these nice gentlemen armed with AK-74s pointed at me tell me that I should also say she is the warmest, nicest, most honest human being I've ever met and would never torture or act like a spoiled brat to get her way.

    • Major Thom

      Obama was on his way to Afghaniganistanstan, or he would have won.

      • I don't think so. According to his old girlfriend's diary, she beat him in a footrace.

    • Yeah, but they always win–and finish second, third. fourth…

  • Barb

    Has Daddy's little dictatertot demanded from Lorne Michaels that she become permanent host of SNL, sole musical guest and that she pen all " Saturday TV Fun House" clips? I can't wait to see "Ambiguously Dictatorial Duo."

    Did ya'll know that Stephen Colbert is the voice of "Ace" of the "Ambiguously Gay Duo?"

    • Rosie_Scenario

      And Steve Carrell is Gary.

    • Next up: Fred Armisen and Vanessa Bayer as "Gulnara's best friends," because we haven't seen that routine nearly enough yet when it was Gaddafi, then Kim Jong-Un.

      I mean, we're all for recycling, but Jeebus!

    • little dictatertot

      What wonderful word play with which to start the morn. Thanks Barb.

      • Yes, that is very good!

      • Barb

        Thanks Weejee and good morning to you!

    • Waaaaaay jealous that you got to dictatertot before me.

      • Barb

        Meh, I'll be drunk later and I won't notice if you take it. Cheers!

  • Boojum

    Would it be wrong to hope that the zombies of all the people they tortured tear her breasts off and eat them?

    I think it could go either way.

  • niblick77

    I am a big supporter of women's breasts……….

    • ThundercatHo

      "I am a supporter of women's big breasts." — my bras

      • But are you an athletic supporter?

        • FakaktaSouth

          Me! Me! Ask me! I'm a total jock strap. But for boobies and working out, establishing the proper push em out so they look good / hold em in so you can work out properly ratio is a bitch. I usually err towards the up and out strategery, I like for people to open doors for me and such.

          • ThundercatHo

            I save the "up and out" bras for when I have to put on nice clothes since they have steel girders and tend to leave nasty red marks across my ribcage. But, I know what you mean, being blonde with big boobs (as inconvenient as they are) has not been a disadvantage.

  • Major Thom

    Maybe the Pizzaman had it right.

  • bureaucrap

    She needs friends? She and the Koch Brothers were made for each other. they should friend each other on facebook and trade their "My goons beating up dissidents" pics.

  • Goonemeritus

    I just scanned the article but I am getting the gist that this Gulnara person is bad.

  • Lucidamente1

    Maybe she could hire Uncle Duke to do her lobbying. He's got more time on his hands now that the Trff Bmzklfrpz account is closed.

    • Hunter Thompson had a right to be mad. Trudeau straight up stole his persona, adding nothing to it nor skewing it in some original way.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        "Skewing" Hunter Thompson's persona? There's an interesting concept.

  • Fare la Volpe

    The late Ms. Komen would be so proud.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    That picture reminds me, I have some overdue library books I should really return, … and I've been a bad, bad boy.

    • Guppy

      There is no safe word.

    • chicken_thief

      I'd be a little concerned about where that dildo/pen might end up….

      • SudsMcKenzie

        I don't think theres ink in that thing.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Buried four inches deep into your ear, more likely than not.

  • UW8316154


  • Guys don't make passes at torturers who wear glasses.

  • I was in Tashkent on May, 2. She must have left by then because I didn't see her.

  • What's a little torture compared to access to airbases that are relatively close to Pakistan and Afghanistan? Some torture, extra-judicial killings and disappearances are just grease for the wheels of geopolitics.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      "grease for the wheels of geopolitics"

      So that's why Karimova has people boiled. All this time, I thought they had oil.

  • FakaktaSouth

    What do they do in Uzbekibekibekistanstan if you DO have breast cancer now? If they sterilize womens for having babies, don't you reckon they pretty much just shoot gals with lumps on sight?

    • Biff

      It's a personal failure.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Breasts are people too, my friends.

    • DaRooster

      … and these are just the right…

  • Toomush_Infer

    Breasts/torture….it's all so kinky, that Eastern side of the world….no wonder most of the women have to cover up all the time….

  • Not_So_Much

    How much do ya think this Carolyn Lamm person reeks of sulfur when she enters a room?

  • freakishlywrong

    More like Run for Your Life.

  • unclejeems

    One of the wonders of our age is that the US is now producing highly educated female sleaze-buckets like the shysteress Ms. Lamm who see no contradiction in lecturing us hoi-poloi about the nobility of the law and then taking money dripping with blood from dictators so vile that the devil's disowned them.

    • JudasPeckerwood

      You come a long way, baby!

  • PubOption

    The last statue of Stalin was removed last year.
    Now what will Karimov and his daughter use for inspiration?

    • sharethegrief

      Dick Cheney.

    • Vlad the Impaler?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Tamerlane. (Seriously.)

      • I can't believe you said that. The part about Tamerlane was edited out of the article (because I suffer from humongous verbosity). Did you notice that the Komen gal, Donna, took a picture of his statue too?

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          That statue replaced a Soviet-era statue of Marx, which seemed germane to the topic at hand.

          • Did you see on Wikipedia about how he "ordered the complete massacre of the city, killing a reported 70,000 citizens. An eye-witness counted more than 28 towers, each constructed of about 1,500 heads." and upon whose tomb (opened in 1941 by a Soviet anthropologist) were inscribed the following prophetic words:
            "Who ever opens my tomb, shall unleash an invader more terrible than I."

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            I think Hitler invaded Russia at about the time the Soviets opened the tomb. (Cue theme from Twilight Zone.)

            But yeah, Tamerlane was a real charmer. Just the sort of noble statesman you'd want to erect a statue to, and re-brand as the Father of your Country! As a comic-book dictator, Karimova hits every note so perfectly that only someone as over-the-top as Sacha Baron Cohen could swing the Charlie Chaplin role.

          • Ah! I didn't put 1941 and Hitler together in my mind but as we know, everything eventually comes down to Hitler. Would love to see Cohen do his thing with Uzbekistan but he's probably very tired of being Borat.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba
          • I can't wait!

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    When has a little torture by a "strategic ally" ever come between the US and its coalition of the willing?

  • Sorry, Gulnara.

    We only coddle our own torturers in this country.

    USA! USA! USA!

  • OneYieldRegular

    I assume everyone wore bright pink to help mask the corruption and torture.

  • cmdenton47

    Who does she think she is – a member of the Bush Administration?

  • chicken_thief

    Did you see how they were dressed and the way they were acting?!!! Those people were just begging to be tortured….

  • Guppy

    The next time we invade a country, can we make sure they're not landlocked first?

  • The International Labo(u)r Organization doesn't need to investigate if state owned Uzbekistan cotton enterprises uses forced child labor to meet their quotas. A personal representative of Islam Karimov said Uzbek kids like to pick cotton during recess.

    • Guppy

      And what kid wouldn't love having "recess" for twelve hours a day?

  • DaRooster

    “Their brooms work so well and there is something very calming about watching them do their work.”

    Rmoney? Is that you?
    I personally find it far more calming when people do my work…

  • Well Komen’s representative had an awesome time and posted some pictures on Facebook. …she snapped pics of a female street sweeper with a branch broom and was “intrigued” with “a women’s work never being done” and observed, “Their brooms work so well and there is something very calming about watching them do their work.”

    Dame Noonington is filing opium-fueled impressions of eastern serfdom from the Foreign Bureau now?

  • Gulnara Karimova is a real renaissance woman: celebutante, torturer, dictator in waiting.

  • sullivanst

    Her letter to Obama requests a face-to-face meeting with Karimova senior and praises Uzbekistan as a stable government and strategic partner.

    You know who else led a stable government?

    • Mobutu Sese Seko?

    • Mister Ed?

    • Generation[redacted]

      Rufus T. Firefly?

    • doloras

      Fulgencio Batista?

  • PresqueVu

    Tila Tequila sure looks like hell, the way they 'shopped her hair/ complexion's hue/saturation. Took the "if it's yellow, let it mellow" trope a little too far.

  • SaintRond

    You say atrocity. I say BUKKAKE!

    Let's call the whole thing off.

  • Exhausted66

    Me thinks the lady doth hide her cleavage with her arm too much.

    Also, torture – booo!

  • Ducksworthy

    You people don't seem to understand the difference between authoritarians and totalitarians. Authoritarians are fulfilling the mission of GOP on earth. Totalitarians are over doing it.

  • ttommyunger

    America has lost its right to ride a high horse about torture, due process or human rights in general. You can thank Bush/Cheney et. al. for that gift.

  • barto

    Are we sure they didn't confuse the "race" with the May Day "parade" in which legions of goose-stepping slave children adorned in costumes they were force-labored to make overnight salute the dear leader and other dignitaries like Donna? Just guessing here.

  • owhatever

    Don't cry for me Uzbeki-beki-stan-stan.

  • BenGleck

    I've been saying "the Cure for the Race" ever since they started saying "Race for the Cure". I guess I am just as sick a (fuck) jerk as y'all are.

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