why not

Treasure Hunter Gives Up Hunting For Gold Because Bin Laden’s Corpse Is More Interesting

snorkeling for criminal masterminds

One ambitious Californian by the name of Bill Warren, who has spent decades hunting, but never really finding, treasure at the bottom of the sea, has declared that now Osama Bin Laden’s body, not gold, is his everything. Warren has been looking for the body of Bin Laden for about a year, and told the newspaper El Mundo that he now knows exactly where the Navy SEALs “threw” Bin Laden’s body “away” like so much McDonald’s drive-thru trash on the side of a highway. Per Gizmodo, Warren is now “trying to rent Russian deep diving equipment to locate his payload.” “Payload.”

The point really seems to be that Warren doesn’t actually think this is Bin Laden’s body. It’s just some double, or it’s just a SOLID GOLD MANNEQUIN. So he’s going to find hundreds of thousands of dollars to use equipment to dive down to the body, run some DNA tests on it, and then declare “victory,” probably by selling his fake story to newspapers and then acquiring that treasure, instead of letting unemployed journalists have it. In any case, Warren says he has “pinpointed the drop point from photos recently released by the US Navy.” Yes, this particular little patch of ocean looks exactly like some patch of ocean over which Warren once sailed on his way to the Goonies shipwreck.

Says Warren:

I’ve located where they threw him away. I’m the only one with this information. He’s 200 miles to the west of the Indian city of Surat.

Warren is currently an employee of the government of Azerbaijan, and will take a little break starting on June 1 to go look for Bin Laden. Oh, and here’s why someone would prefer to hunt for the rotting body of a sociopath instead of gold-filled shipwrecks: Warren has his eyes on political office! He ran for Congress, unsuccessfully, in 1998 and 2002, according to El Mundo, and ran for president as an independent in 2008. So, if Warren can just find the body, prove it’s not Bin Laden, the Republicans will all leap up and down and begin to cry, and nominate Warren to be president in a brokered convention in August, and it will be great, because they will all finally have a purpose again (looking for Bin Laden). [Gizmodo]

About the author

Liz is a writer. She has written for this site, evidently, and also The Awl, The San Francisco Chronicle, NPR, The Economist and others. She is the author of a short story collection, Cover Story.

View all articles by Liz Colville
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  1. Fukui-sanYesOta

    Here's Bill Warren in 1991

    Bill Warren likes to think of himself as a modern-day Indiana Jones. He's really a part-time nightclub singer who runs a sea urchin fishing boat off the Ventura County coast, but he is obsessed with the idea of finding sunken treasures.

    Seems legit.

        1. Tundra Grifter

          That's a moray! And that's a sea star! And over there, that's a sea urchin…

      1. Serolf_Divad

        If you can shoot at it you can hunt it. This afternoon I'm going hunting for shiitake. Got the ol' 12 gauge all oiled up and everything!

    1. sullivanst

      So, over 35 years of doing the same thing and expecting a different result.

      Sounds completely sane.

    2. Generation[redacted]

      a modern-day Indiana Jones –that would be the 4th movie, right?

  2. metamarcisf

    The market here is for ready-to-eat TV trash as seen on the Discovery Network – The Hunt for Osama's Body

    1. CommieLibunatic

      Nah, I'll just keep watching Mythbusters ad nauseum. More entertaining, and even vaguely scientific.

  3. Baconzgood

    I for one would like to point out that Amelia Earhart's body was never found and alot and alot of people have been looking for it for a long time.

    She must be still alive. Alive. And plotting…..

    1. OC_Surf_Serf

      Bacon, sharks love crashed airplanes: Crunchy on the outside while chewy in the middle.

  4. Redhead

    He reminds me of the local nutjob who is constantly emailing the local mayor and claiming that he, and ONLY he (there's LOTS OF CAPITALS in his emails) has the VERY IMPORTANT knowledge the mayor requires to win re-election. Oh and the governor too. Oh and Obama too.

    ONLY HE knows this valuable information.

  5. WunkRocker

    Wait… " because they will all finally have a purpose again (looking for Bin Laden)."
    What about the 7 years Dick and Dubya had to find him. As i recall History and its' librul bias, it was not a priority. So excepting exposing the BIG LIE Hopey is perpetrating about personally skull-fucking Bin Laden in his "Wreck Room" (Thank you NY Daily News) then the only purpose these jobs-creators will have is closing post offices and keeping roads and bridges from being built in the US America.

  6. Generation[redacted]

    He's not just going to find the body. He's going to release pictures. Then he's going to put the body up on display, –enshrined, if you will– He will build an amusement park around it and charge two bits a gander.

  7. bumfug

    "I'm the only one with this information…but I'm willing to share it with you if you'll chip in to help with the recovery. A ten thousand dollar investment will return to you tenfold so don't hesitate! Paypal accepted."

  8. MissTaken

    I heard this joke just about a year ago:

    A man walks into a bar and asks for a Bin Laden. The bartender says "oh, two shots and a splash of water".

    1. WunkRocker

      I was in a bar in NYC the weekend after binnie L got whacked. The dude promoting the music would get on the mic between every band and say that.

      1. MissTaken

        It was told to me by a douchey investment banker while in the elevator at work. Thankfully I only had to hear it once. Sorry!

        1. Tundra Grifter

          Not to be picking a nit here, but isn't "douchey investment banker" redundant? And repetitious?

  9. prommie

    Oh, yeah, I know where it is (gesturing vaguely to the east) its that way. Now someone give me some money.

  10. CountryClubJihadi

    Did they not stick a GPS up his ass before they turned him into Sponge Bob Hammer Pants?

  11. WhatTheHeck

    he’s been in the barometric pressure chamber one time too many. Now his oxygen is missing a brain.

  12. GunToting[Redacted]

    So, he's planning on searching a square mile or two out of 139 MILLION square miles, not finding anything, and then calling it what, exactly?

    These fuckwits really aren't even trying now, are they? How many years did it take to find the Titanic? How many ships (which a substantially larger than OBL) are yet undiscovered? I'm looking forward to the ultrasound results of all the scavengers in the region.

  13. edgydrifter

    I get the sense Mr. Warren closes all of his correspondences with "I AM NOT A CRANK!"

    1. HistoriCat

      "Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot."

    1. MrFizzy

      I'm pretty sure the salt water preserves them practically forever, and the sharks swim around the perimeter just to make sure no predators start feeding on them. That's my biology knowledge kicking in.

      1. finallyhappy

        did you say that to me on Tuesday at the museum? If one more person asks me if the squid is dead or if it is floating in water……

    2. Doktor StrangeZoom

      Oh, but he DOES know–that's why, when he finds a large rock instead of a body, he can proclaim that there never was a body, because, look, large rock!

  14. FlownOver

    " I’m the only one with this information. He’s 200 miles to the west of the Indian city of Surat."

    Hey Einstein – better make that " I was the only one…"

  15. actor212

    I need to go dive with this dude. I can't even find my way back to the boat with a compass. He can find a body under hundreds of feet of water from a photograph

  16. starfanglednut

    Yes, because finding a mannequin, or human remains that are not OBL's, somewhere in a large ocean conclusively proves that OBL is nowhere in that ocean.

    Wingnut logic at it's finest, people.

    1. Baconzgood

      "If I don't find it he's still alive" AKA "Tide goes in tide goes out" proof.

  17. SayItWithWookies

    Yeah, what the hell — Mount Ararat was getting crowded with people looking for the Ark anyway.

  18. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Wouldn't his time be better used looking for Dick Cheney's horcruxes?

  19. kissawookiee

    I’ve located where they threw him away. I’m the only one with this information. He’s 200 miles to the west of the Indian city of Surat.

    Nice jerb keeping your giant secret secret, Einstein.

  20. MissTaken

    Hey Mr. Warren,

    I lost a bracelet while swimming at the beach in Kauai about 5 years ago. Can you go find that for me, too?


    1. Tundra Grifter

      When I worked in St. Thomas, we would spend our lunch hours crusing the reef off Honeymood Beach on a Sunfish, looking for a nylon jacket with a brand new Rolex and a couple of hundred in cash in the pockets. A hotel guest had lost it while sailing.

      We never did find it – kinda like Mr. Warren.

  21. SoBeach

    Not that this goober cares, but there are a few things to consider:

    * It's doubtful the Navy marked the exact spot where the body was jettisoned. The BEST guess he could possibly make would be no better than within a mile.

    * If you've ever tried to find something underwater, even with GPS coords good to within 3 meters, you can begin to fathom (heh heh) the difficulty of finding something at the bottom of a square mile of ocean.

    * The body, the shroud, and everything else is long, long gone courtesy of the circle of life.

    * Even birthers wouldn't be stupid enough to donate to this fool's errand.

    1. Doktor StrangeZoom

      Even birthers wouldn't be stupid enough to donate to this fool's errand.

      Talk about your starry-eyed idealism!

  22. larryfinexx

    Get the body, and then get the DNA , and then clone an entire army of Bin Ladens and then you can conquer the world.

  23. Doktor StrangeZoom

    He's going to make a great candidate for the Texas Railroad Commission.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      When the oil producing nations in the rest of the world wanted for formalize their monopoly, they looked around for a business model.

      OPEC is structured along the lines of the Texas Railroad Commission. It regulates oil in Texas because the product moves through pipelines, just like a railroad runs on tracks.

      I know you may find this a wee bit hard to believe, but I'm not making it up.


  24. NorbertsRevenge

    Wouldn't it be like totally freaky if he finds bin Laden and they peel back like a mask on his face and it is Barry Soetero! And then we are all like 'so who is this guy posing as Obama anyway?' Totally. Freaky.

  25. vodkamuppet

    Finally! A wingnut I can laugh at without being overcome with uncontrollable rage at the same time! Ahhh…….

  26. Fluffy_Kitties

    So correct me if I got any of the following details wrong. To date, there is:

    * No tangible evidence of Bin Laden's burial at sea.
    * No tangible evidence of Bin Laden's capture by Obama.
    * No tangible evidence of Bin Laden's presence in Tora Bora in US Marine raid of 2007.
    * No tangible evidence of Bin Laden's existence since Bush gave up the search in 2005.
    * No verified video of Bin Laden since the fake Bush re-election videotape in 2004.
    * No verified audio of Bin Laden since his 2001 denial of involvement in 9/11 attacks.
    * No tangible evidence of any terrorist action directed by Bin Laden since 9/11.
    * No tangible evidence of any direct involvement by Bin Laden in the 9/11 attacks.

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Fine. You figured it out. bin Laden was just a fabrication of Halliburton to up their profits and to allow Dick Cheney to become president of the United States.

  27. FraAnima

    From the LA Times article thoughtfully linked by Fukui-san, Warren's first treasure was $11 million in Aztec gold! Now Warren can't be killed, and you really don't want to see him in moonlight.

  28. chicken_thief

    Russian diving equipment?! Since when is Russia noted for quality anything?

  29. Tundra Grifter

    Memo to Liz:

    In this world there are a whole lot more treasure hunters than there are treasure finders. Real treasure finders don't put there names in the papers – and they never compare themselves to Indiana Jones.

    The failure rate increases dramatically when they start looking in salt water. And, those expeditions have a burn rate in the tens of thousands of dollars per day.

    1. finallyhappy

      We bought a metal detector for about $30-we used it on the beach during family vacations- we found absolutely nothing- but it did get the kids to walk farther along the beach than otherwise.My current rather successful treasure hunt method- I look down occasionally when I am walking and find a penny. Last week, I found a dime!

      1. Tundra Grifter

        Lots of people find watches, jewelry (often rings), etc. at the beach and at playgrounds. It's so popular here, the local park maintenance guys scatter steel washers under the swings to discourage folks with metal detectors.

        A $30 machine isn't going to find much, if anything. But for a couple of hundred bucks you can get an excellent coin finder – and it really doesn't take too long to earn that back with what you find.

        Most people who find class rings do their best to return them to the (former) owners.

        It's good exercise, as you point out. Learn the rules and where you can and can't hunt. And you do have to be careful and look out for yourself – but that's true of just about everything in life.

        1. SoBeach

          Around here people still find silver reales from the sunken 1715 treasure fleet. And by "people" I mean people who aren't me. I don't have the temperament for it.

          1. Tundra Grifter

            The late, great Kip Wagner found a fortune in about ten feet of water, a hundred yards or so from shore.

            I'm told that after a hurricane, those coin beaches look like Coney Island on the Fourth of July. Far more Spanish silver (and a little gold) was lost than has ever been found.

  30. OneYieldRegular

    Please, please, for the good of the country, take Orly Taitz along as your diving companion.

  31. randcoolcatdaddy

    Damn … now this guy's gone and stole my idea for an updated remake of "Thunderball"…

  32. Schmegeg

    While you are at it, sir, see if you can come up with Amelia Earhardt, Judge Crater, and Big Pussy.

  33. Tommy1733

    It will really put Obama's campaign over the top if he gets to kill Bin Laden twice!

      1. ttommyunger

        but Camo Dildos, my friend; let's not forget who we're talking about here.

  34. Nesnora

    Will this be followed by Bill Warren finding the body and weeping over it:
    "I'll never let go, Osama… I'll never let go."

  35. FlownOver

    Well, that goes to show you. I guessed that if "retard" is now OK, I could try using that word naming the part of a gun that is pulled, usually by the index finger.


    Arbitrary and capricious, I tells ya!

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