Dunno if yall done heard it, Levi Johnston forgot to wrap his pecker ‘gain and done made another baby! But which randomly paired nouns will he and his sweetheart, Sunny Oglesby — of whom he has not yet made an honest woman — pluck from a spittoon and apply directly to the forehead of their precious bundle, once it falls out? A) Spittoon Geranium. B) Rake Punching Bag. C) Marlboro Coffee. D) Brawndo Electrolyte. Just kidding it is none of those, those are just things in our direct line of sight while we type nonsense on our pleasant porch right now! But that seems also to be the Johnston-Oglesbys naming practices as well, probably picked up from Todd because of how he is part Injun. Yes yes yes, you already heard the winner, thanks to the crack team at the Huffington Post, and that is Breeze Beretta.
We have zero problem with the name Breeze (but then we were the only person in the universe who thought “Apple” was an honestly lovely choice for that Goop kid). As for Beretta, we are going to choose to believe that they did not decide to misspell the name of a deadly weapon, but instead decided to misspell the name of the most famous character played by a deadly man! (Innocent, et cetera, the law tells us, so, sure.) Mazel tov, you crazy kids. L’Chaim! [HuffPo]
{ 159 comments }
Levi on Bristol:
I'm not saying she is a slut. I am just saying that if her vagina had a password, it would be "password."
or 'vagina'. Or 'vagina password'.
But she keeps her bedroom locked; with a combination lock, the combination is 1-2-3-4-5.
Whatever the password, it seems that it might be tatooed on Levi's schlong.
"Tiny"?
Too long: it's just "T"
And usually 't' (it only stays uppercase for very brief periods)
That is so much full of win it's not even fair.
Enter
More like "All Hope Abandon Ye Who Enter Here."
I don't believe that Levi ever said that.
Not that it isn't *true*, mind you, it's just way too clever for Levi to have thought up, or even repeated if somebody else thought it up and said it in his hearing.
It's a tattoo of a weenus, with "You must be at least this tall to ride this" underneath in swirly cursive script and at least one word mispeled.
"Levi on Bristol"
you can't make this shit up
Well, is there any other position?
Typhoon Uzi?
Gust Gatling.
"Warm front" Breechloader
Bluster Blunderbuss
Breeze Drew.
Rumer. Ha ha ha ha ha!
forgot to wrap his pecker again
Well then name the kid "Pecker-Wrapper Next Time Johnston," obvs
Needz moar white Bill Cosby.
With names like Bristol, Tagg, Willow and all that crap and all of them are in jail. (When we give these kinds names to our children, we give them the strength and inspiration in the meaning of those names. What’s the point of giving them strong names if there is not parenting and values backing it up).
I wish one of the Palin girls would prove us all wrong by going to college or even graduating from high school. If only one of them got to wear a tassle on something other than their nipples it would be quite the accomplishment.
I was honestly thinking this same thing (hs or college graduate) the other day. I just don't think that is a Palin priority. It's kinda sad…to me.
No one wants to get ostrich-sized from the fambly.
~
T
I like that one- I will steal it
I sent your post to my mother who replied:
"Who said that? Whoever it was is right on!!!"
So, there you have it: The Steverino247 Mom Seal of Approval.
Steverino's Mom is awesome!
It's easier to see that the older we both get. I'd turn her on to posting here, but she hates the "C" word and I'd have to stop flirting with you and Barb.
If you stop flirting with me I will have Rebecca ban hammer the shit out of you.
It's especially pathetic because it's Alaska, where you can graduate high school by correctly solving 2+2=?.
I vote D.
"Brawndo Electrolyte… it has what morans crave!"
And you need an electrolyte for the corrosion, and they are a very corrosive group.
Still better than "Piper".
The baby's name with actually be…no fooling….Breeze Beretta. Their daughter's middle name is that of a gun manufacturer. Breeze, we can only assume comes from the wind that blows around the space between the parents' ears.
I think that "Piper" was the only proper name ever given in that family. Willow, Bristol, Track, and He-who-shall-not-be-named? Sorry.
I am outraged!
Rainy Ruger
That picture looks like Barry's room smelled.
"We have zero problem with the name Breeze"
Wow, you really are from Cali.
Clearly, you don't go to strip clubs much.
Could have been worse. Febreeze.
It's in honor of Levi's one true love: Breeze-tol.
I'm going with "Cristal Lexus." Or "Bartles Acura." Whatever she was drinking when Levi blessed her with his mighty seed plus the car she thinks is most awesomest, basically.
Ashley Shaeffer BMW oh, wait– Franzia Escalade
Busch Navigator?
Mad Dog Camaro
Now THAT's what I'm talkin' about!
I am so stealing that for my writing.
Schnapps Trabant
Boone's Farm Reliant K?
Kalua Porsha
Actually, that's nice.
(In a Game of Thrones kinda way!)
"Hummer", because if she knew the alternate meaning of that, she wouldn't be thinking up baby names.
Vodka Volt.
Diarrhea Howitzer*
* realizing this is probably too Jewish for Johnston
Probably too much like Sarah's mouth.
Win!
"Breeze Berreta"? Your move, Snooki.
You do realize, of course, that Levi has NO claim to fame, anymore. Not even tangentially. At this point, he as important as Shirley McLaine's butler's cousin's hairdresser's cosmetologist. And not as literate.
Now now, he'll always be known as the kid who did the country the favor of getting Bristol knocked up (at least once) thus preventing her mom from ever running for President.
Think about t: his son could have been the illegitimate grandson of the 45th… and LAST… President of the United States. Why, that's almost as important as shaking the hand of that guy who shook hands with Andy Griffith.
The very fact that he draws breath seems to annoy Bristol and her mother. In that fact alone, he has value.
This name guarantees her a life on the pole.
A fine establishment in Anchorage called the Great Alaskan Bush Company has a pole ready and waiting for her.
Or a starlet spot on "Chicks with Laser Pistols" in 2040.
Breeze Beretta …so the baby was conceived in either/both the back of her Plymouth sedan or his Chevy Beretta.
Dee Rater Johnston. Is it a boy or a girl? I guess it doesn't really matter.
Would '501' hit the button for Levi?
I suggest N'Chilla.
Or S'Phyllis.
Oh, maybe Sunny and Levi will surprise us and pick a traditional name like Moon Unit or Dweezil.
Let's see, following the Alaskan baby names rule my kid's name is going to be Vacuum Jacket.
NO! It's going to be Orchid Green Tea.
What about Altoid Dippindot?
Cinnabon Husqvarna
Brings together the best of the mall AND the great outdoors.
Well that sounds good for a girl's name, Vacuum is better for a boy though.
Split the difference and give it a nice unisex name: Orchid Jacket
Isn't Orchid Jacket a fancy euphemism for scrotum?
[orchids = testicles]
Or maybe the kid should be named after the last thing we saw together; so (s)he will be Airport Line Train.
Wrench Towel
Still less dumb than Breeze Beretta.
Funyun Ascot
Smoking Jacket Johnston.
Electric Blanket Johnston.
Tie Rack Johnston.
Taser Johnston.
I like to wear my Levi's when there is a Sunny Breeze.
Do you have a special pocket for your Beretta?
Isn't "Sunny Breeze" the name of a douche? Not a person douche, a female hygiene product.
How about Cover My Johnston? Or Abstinence Only Johnston? Or Sharon My Johnston?
Nice pic. My eyes feel like they've just spent a month in a trailer park.
Most guys in most trailer parks are a lot more tattooed, obese, and toothless than that picture.
That photo will make you girls dry up after the Obama post.
Sure did.
Aw, poor ladies.
Get to work, Soros.
Considering who we're talking about here, I'd bet that he got the name Beretta from a shitty old Chevy.
Don't disparage the favorite car I ever owned. Z26. Smokin ride for the middle class.
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Did you name Roy Roger's horse?
Not even, we can just use the italicized sentence.
Levi, just be honest and name your baby for what caused it: Four Loco N. Vodka.
Summers Eve has a nice ring to it.
Sunny begat Breeze, then Breeze begat Stormy, then Stormy begat Balmy, then Balmy begat Humidity and her other sister, Heat-Not-Humidity.
It was almost "Typhoon Merry" but there's no gun references in that one.
Breeze sounds like the kid of two fucked-up parrotheads. I'd go with a name that will properly cripple the child as well as reflect the publicity hound existence that led to its creation: something like Shitstorm Pityfuck.
I bought a Beretta Breeze once. It fucking sucked. It hardly cleaned my tap water and you had to call India everytime you wanted to get replacement filters.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again:
The greatest baby name ever is still Thunderbolt Winchester.
Pecker Boonesfarm, for a boy.
Statutory Amber, for a girl.
How's bout Jimmy Hat
DAMN! I had Maxum Kickpunch in the office pool.
True story: One day, when I was preggers, my husband lost his mind and suggested the name "Remington" (he liked that show with Pierce Brosnan) and I shot back, "How about Beretta? We could get him a cockatoo named Fred." In the end I named him Elliott cuz I wanted him to eventually get laid by smart girls.
Elliott=Wedgie
Wedgie in middle school, sexy librarian in college.
Not in his case. There have been several very cute, well-endowed (although not always smart) girlfriends since he was twelve. One of my favorites I called "Man Show Melissa" because the first time I met her she was jumping on a trampoline.
Here I thought you named him Elliot cause you wanted him to befriend magical aliens.
I will like to take a moment and wish his next baby Ad Space Here and early congratulations
At least they didn't name the kid Green Balloon.
"Breeze?" And the fart jokes write themselves.
Have fun in grade school, kid! It only goes downhill from there!
Blue Ivy Skoal
True story: I had a client who named her daughter Verily. I asked as to its origin, and she explained that it was a biblical name, that Jesus was always talking to her in the Bible–Verily, I say unto you.
I hope like hell that your story is really true…
It is. Who could make that up?
That is soooooo great.
*face palm*
So what you're saying is that you are verily saying this unto us?
That "I say unto you" or "I tell you this" habif of Hay-soose's is one of the more realistic and humanizing details in the NT, makes me think there is a memory of a real person behind the stories. It was not a common construction or phrase in aramaic at that time, and was apparently a genuine personal quirk of JC.
That's some serious Biblical shit, prommie. Can you splain the "walk on water" trick?
That shit was made up. The stuff most likely to be true is the stuff thats kinda inconsequential, unnecessary details, and negative stuff like his bad temper, and how often he is really rude to his mom.
Certainly that garbage about helping the poor and treating others how you want to be treated is made up – it's just smite-y enough.
The shocker I'm taking from this is that Christians who take themselves [too] seriously bother reading out loud from the King James version anymore.
It may not be true to the greek but it is pretty.
Agreed. But that's how I was raised, how it was read at home.. I was lucky to be shown it for its merit, its poetry.. I do not think contemporary bible worshipers [sic] bother as much with this version any longer. I'm researching it out of curiosity. I hope I find evidence to the contrary.
I used to be a social worker and no one believes me when I tell them the actual names of children in my case load. Just unfuckingbelieveable what punishments humans inflict on their children–just in naming them. My least favorite: Abcde, pronounced "AB-suh-dee"
I believe it. A friend who works for Child Protective Services had to sit down a parent once and explain to her why it was maybe not a great idea for her infant son to have the same name as the family dog.
that doesn't matter- My daughter has a very normal name and yet, I frequently addressed her by the dog's name- also a very normal girl name.
My mom had a woman in her case load named "Female." Pronounced Fem-A-lee.
At the same time, it's rather a lovely name, no?
How about Sasha Malia? This kid is going to be desperate for positive some role models.
They could have used the old standard that has worked for dragqueens down through the ages. Your first pet's name and your Mothers maiden name.
Thus: My first horse: Prancy. My Mother's maiden name: Nayler
"How did I get my name daddy?"
"Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"
…one of my favorite all-time punch lines…
Well, at least the kid will have his own theme song already, written by JJ Cale no less. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EsIqEq9OFxE
I'm surprised they didn't name the kid Frito-Lay as part of a sponsorship deal.
Ya know, you are right. The baby is a result of Levi's "product placement".
Ima name my firstborn Pabst Bacon Recliner and she is gonna be the purtiest girl in town.
Ohh.. I see what that does.. the PBR to end all pbr's..
Scirocco Schmeisser, or
Windstorm Winchester
Damn. I had all my money on Electric Fence-Pee.
I would have named it Katie, even if it was a boy.
Scirocco Schmeisser, or
Windstorm Winchester
Torrent Taurus
Gale Gallil
I was hoping for Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert, so I would know who the next president would be after Bristol is elected.
"Breeze Baretta". Jesus, not only have you saddled the kid with a stupid first name, but you've crippled her by giving her "Beretta" as a middle name. Who wants their kid to be named after a line of poorly built, inaccurate, overpriced Italian handguns? If you're going to name the kid after a firearms manufacturer then why not give her a name she can be proud of? Like "Breeze Ruger" or "Breeze Remington" or "Breeze Bushmaster"? "Breeze Beretta", Jesus, what a fucking dildo, can someone neuter this asshole before he breeds again?
Sorry, Levi. No matter how much they airbrush you, you're not all that.
"Go play outside, Broken Rubber."
Not partial to the man-meat, in general, but it occurs to me that it takes a special sort of talent to look grimy in the fucking shower.
How about Rock Strongo? Lance Uppercut? Anita Bonghit?
Has nobody considered the poor girl's initials? more at http://www.gurukalehuru.com (but, really, it's nothing you haven't already read here.)
If there is anything pertinent on HuffPo, I'll have to get it second hand. If I want Greta Van Palin's opinions, I'll watch Faux News
Uhhh, Beretta is the correct spelling of the Italian pistol/shotgun maker. Say what you like about Alaskans, but they know how to spell the names of gun manufacturers.
/I like to say, "Alaskans suck."
God damn it, I figured that out like 50 hours ago and was hoping nobody would say nothin'. Not changing it though. Too lazy/don't care.
boy= Ryden
girl= Diam
I was pulling for "5-hour-energy Johnston."
Rebecca, you done got yews a porch, hengh? What a snob!
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