SHARE

Levi's JohnstonDunno if yall done heard it, Levi Johnston forgot to wrap his pecker ‘gain and done made another baby! But which randomly paired nouns will he and his sweetheart, Sunny Oglesby — of whom he has not yet made an honest woman — pluck from a spittoon and apply directly to the forehead of their precious bundle, once it falls out? A) Spittoon Geranium. B) Rake Punching Bag. C) Marlboro Coffee. D) Brawndo Electrolyte. Just kidding it is none of those, those are just things in our direct line of sight while we type nonsense on our pleasant porch right now! But that seems also to be the Johnston-Oglesbys naming practices as well, probably picked up from Todd because of how he is part Injun. Yes yes yes, you already heard the winner, thanks to the crack team at the Huffington Post, and that is Breeze Beretta.

We have zero problem with the name Breeze (but then we were the only person in the universe who thought “Apple” was an honestly lovely choice for that Goop kid). As for Beretta, we are going to choose to believe that they did not decide to misspell the name of a deadly weapon, but instead decided to misspell the name of the most famous character played by a deadly man! (Innocent, et cetera, the law tells us, so, sure.) Mazel tov, you crazy kids. L’Chaim! [HuffPo]

$
Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • Barb

    Levi on Bristol:
    I'm not saying she is a slut. I am just saying that if her vagina had a password, it would be "password."

    • or 'vagina'. Or 'vagina password'.

    • SorosBot

      But she keeps her bedroom locked; with a combination lock, the combination is 1-2-3-4-5.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Whatever the password, it seems that it might be tatooed on Levi's schlong.

      • "Tiny"?

        • Fare la Volpe

          Too long: it's just "T"

          • BornInATrailer

            And usually 't' (it only stays uppercase for very brief periods)

          • Negropolis

            That is so much full of win it's not even fair.

    • bflrtsplk

      Enter

      • Steverino247

        More like "All Hope Abandon Ye Who Enter Here."

    • tessiee

      I don't believe that Levi ever said that.
      Not that it isn't *true*, mind you, it's just way too clever for Levi to have thought up, or even repeated if somebody else thought it up and said it in his hearing.

    • tessiee

      It's a tattoo of a weenus, with "You must be at least this tall to ride this" underneath in swirly cursive script and at least one word mispeled.

    • rocktonsam

      "Levi on Bristol"

      you can't make this shit up

    • Negropolis

      Levi on Bristol:

      Well, is there any other position?

  • nounverb911

    Typhoon Uzi?

    • ChernobylSoup

      Gust Gatling.

      • Nostrildamus

        "Warm front" Breechloader

        • Jus_Wonderin

          Bluster Blunderbuss

    • larrykat

      Rumer. Ha ha ha ha ha!

  • forgot to wrap his pecker again

    Well then name the kid "Pecker-Wrapper Next Time Johnston," obvs

  • SexySmurf

    Needz moar white Bill Cosby.

    With names like Bristol, Tagg, Willow and all that crap and all of them are in jail. (When we give these kinds names to our children, we give them the strength and inspiration in the meaning of those names. What’s the point of giving them strong names if there is not parenting and values backing it up).

  • Barb

    I wish one of the Palin girls would prove us all wrong by going to college or even graduating from high school. If only one of them got to wear a tassle on something other than their nipples it would be quite the accomplishment.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      I was honestly thinking this same thing (hs or college graduate) the other day. I just don't think that is a Palin priority. It's kinda sad…to me.

    • No one wants to get ostrich-sized from the fambly.
      ~

      • chicken_thief

        T

      • finallyhappy

        I like that one- I will steal it

    • Steverino247

      I sent your post to my mother who replied:

      "Who said that? Whoever it was is right on!!!"

      So, there you have it: The Steverino247 Mom Seal of Approval.

      • MissTaken

        Steverino's Mom is awesome!

        • Steverino247

          It's easier to see that the older we both get. I'd turn her on to posting here, but she hates the "C" word and I'd have to stop flirting with you and Barb.

          • Barb

            If you stop flirting with me I will have Rebecca ban hammer the shit out of you.

    • tessiee

      It's especially pathetic because it's Alaska, where you can graduate high school by correctly solving 2+2=?.

  • DaRooster

    I vote D.
    "Brawndo Electrolyte… it has what morans crave!"

    • And you need an electrolyte for the corrosion, and they are a very corrosive group.

  • freakishlywrong

    Still better than "Piper".

    • Terry

      The baby's name with actually be…no fooling….Breeze Beretta. Their daughter's middle name is that of a gun manufacturer. Breeze, we can only assume comes from the wind that blows around the space between the parents' ears.

    • Negropolis

      I think that "Piper" was the only proper name ever given in that family. Willow, Bristol, Track, and He-who-shall-not-be-named? Sorry.

  • I am outraged!

  • Rainy Ruger

  • freakishlywrong

    That picture looks like Barry's room smelled.

  • iburl

    "We have zero problem with the name Breeze"

    Wow, you really are from Cali.

    • Clearly, you don't go to strip clubs much.

    • Terry

      Could have been worse. Febreeze.

  • It's in honor of Levi's one true love: Breeze-tol.

  • edgydrifter

    I'm going with "Cristal Lexus." Or "Bartles Acura." Whatever she was drinking when Levi blessed her with his mighty seed plus the car she thinks is most awesomest, basically.

    • Ashley Shaeffer BMW oh, wait– Franzia Escalade

    • chicken_thief

      Busch Navigator?

    • Hedley_Lamarr

      Mad Dog Camaro

      • Now THAT's what I'm talkin' about!

      • redarmyzombie

        I am so stealing that for my writing.

    • SigDeFlyinMonky

      Schnapps Trabant

    • BornInATrailer

      Boone's Farm Reliant K?

    • Kalua Porsha

      Actually, that's nice.
      (In a Game of Thrones kinda way!)

    • tessiee

      "Hummer", because if she knew the alternate meaning of that, she wouldn't be thinking up baby names.

    • Negropolis

      Vodka Volt.

  • Diarrhea Howitzer*

    * realizing this is probably too Jewish for Johnston

    • PubOption

      Probably too much like Sarah's mouth.

      • tessiee

        Win!

  • "Breeze Berreta"? Your move, Snooki.

  • bureaucrap

    You do realize, of course, that Levi has NO claim to fame, anymore. Not even tangentially. At this point, he as important as Shirley McLaine's butler's cousin's hairdresser's cosmetologist. And not as literate.

    • Now now, he'll always be known as the kid who did the country the favor of getting Bristol knocked up (at least once) thus preventing her mom from ever running for President.

      Think about t: his son could have been the illegitimate grandson of the 45th… and LAST… President of the United States. Why, that's almost as important as shaking the hand of that guy who shook hands with Andy Griffith.

      • Terry

        The very fact that he draws breath seems to annoy Bristol and her mother. In that fact alone, he has value.

  • freakishlywrong

    This name guarantees her a life on the pole.

    • Terry

      A fine establishment in Anchorage called the Great Alaskan Bush Company has a pole ready and waiting for her.

    • Steverino247

      Or a starlet spot on "Chicks with Laser Pistols" in 2040.

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    Breeze Beretta …so the baby was conceived in either/both the back of her Plymouth sedan or his Chevy Beretta.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Dee Rater Johnston. Is it a boy or a girl? I guess it doesn't really matter.

  • Would '501' hit the button for Levi?

  • Buzz Feedback

    I suggest N'Chilla.

    • tessiee

      Or S'Phyllis.

  • Oh, maybe Sunny and Levi will surprise us and pick a traditional name like Moon Unit or Dweezil.

  • SorosBot

    Let's see, following the Alaskan baby names rule my kid's name is going to be Vacuum Jacket.

    • MissTaken

      NO! It's going to be Orchid Green Tea.

      • Fare la Volpe

        What about Altoid Dippindot?

        • Terry

          Cinnabon Husqvarna

          Brings together the best of the mall AND the great outdoors.

      • SorosBot

        Well that sounds good for a girl's name, Vacuum is better for a boy though.

        • Split the difference and give it a nice unisex name: Orchid Jacket

          • tessiee

            Isn't Orchid Jacket a fancy euphemism for scrotum?
            [orchids = testicles]

      • SorosBot

        Or maybe the kid should be named after the last thing we saw together; so (s)he will be Airport Line Train.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Wrench Towel

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Still less dumb than Breeze Beretta.

    • Funyun Ascot

    • Negropolis

      Smoking Jacket Johnston.

      Electric Blanket Johnston.

      Tie Rack Johnston.

      Taser Johnston.

  • MissTaken

    I like to wear my Levi's when there is a Sunny Breeze.

    • freakishlywrong

      Do you have a special pocket for your Beretta?

    • chicken_thief

      Isn't "Sunny Breeze" the name of a douche? Not a person douche, a female hygiene product.

  • Eve8Apples

    How about Cover My Johnston? Or Abstinence Only Johnston? Or Sharon My Johnston?

  • EtchySketchy

    Nice pic. My eyes feel like they've just spent a month in a trailer park.

    • tessiee

      Most guys in most trailer parks are a lot more tattooed, obese, and toothless than that picture.

  • Baconzgood

    That photo will make you girls dry up after the Obama post.

    • MissTaken

      Sure did.

  • bumfug

    Considering who we're talking about here, I'd bet that he got the name Beretta from a shitty old Chevy.

    • Don't disparage the favorite car I ever owned. Z26. Smokin ride for the middle class.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    This comment deleted by administrator.

    • Steverino247

      Did you name Roy Roger's horse?

      • Blueb4sunrise

        Not even, we can just use the italicized sentence.

  • Levi, just be honest and name your baby for what caused it: Four Loco N. Vodka.

  • CountryClubJihadi

    Summers Eve has a nice ring to it.

  • Schmannnity

    Sunny begat Breeze, then Breeze begat Stormy, then Stormy begat Balmy, then Balmy begat Humidity and her other sister, Heat-Not-Humidity.

  • It was almost "Typhoon Merry" but there's no gun references in that one.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Breeze sounds like the kid of two fucked-up parrotheads. I'd go with a name that will properly cripple the child as well as reflect the publicity hound existence that led to its creation: something like Shitstorm Pityfuck.

  • Baconzgood

    I bought a Beretta Breeze once. It fucking sucked. It hardly cleaned my tap water and you had to call India everytime you wanted to get replacement filters.

  • Fare la Volpe

    I've said it before, and I'll say it again:

    The greatest baby name ever is still Thunderbolt Winchester.

  • Nopantsmcgee

    Pecker Boonesfarm, for a boy.
    Statutory Amber, for a girl.

  • fitley

    How's bout Jimmy Hat

  • Baconzgood

    DAMN! I had Maxum Kickpunch in the office pool.

  • ThundercatHo

    True story: One day, when I was preggers, my husband lost his mind and suggested the name "Remington" (he liked that show with Pierce Brosnan) and I shot back, "How about Beretta? We could get him a cockatoo named Fred." In the end I named him Elliott cuz I wanted him to eventually get laid by smart girls.

    • Baconzgood

      Elliott=Wedgie

      • Generation[redacted]

        Wedgie in middle school, sexy librarian in college.

      • ThundercatHo

        Not in his case. There have been several very cute, well-endowed (although not always smart) girlfriends since he was twelve. One of my favorites I called "Man Show Melissa" because the first time I met her she was jumping on a trampoline.

    • SorosBot

      Here I thought you named him Elliot cause you wanted him to befriend magical aliens.

  • BklynIlluminati

    I will like to take a moment and wish his next baby Ad Space Here and early congratulations

  • Fare la Volpe

    At least they didn't name the kid Green Balloon.

  • Guppy

    "Breeze?" And the fart jokes write themselves.

    Have fun in grade school, kid! It only goes downhill from there!

  • ElPinche

    Blue Ivy Skoal

  • Schmannnity

    True story: I had a client who named her daughter Verily. I asked as to its origin, and she explained that it was a biblical name, that Jesus was always talking to her in the Bible–Verily, I say unto you.

    • larrykat

      I hope like hell that your story is really true…

      • Schmannnity

        It is. Who could make that up?

    • Baconzgood

      *face palm*

    • prommie

      So what you're saying is that you are verily saying this unto us?

      That "I say unto you" or "I tell you this" habif of Hay-soose's is one of the more realistic and humanizing details in the NT, makes me think there is a memory of a real person behind the stories. It was not a common construction or phrase in aramaic at that time, and was apparently a genuine personal quirk of JC.

      • chicken_thief

        That's some serious Biblical shit, prommie. Can you splain the "walk on water" trick?

        • prommie

          That shit was made up. The stuff most likely to be true is the stuff thats kinda inconsequential, unnecessary details, and negative stuff like his bad temper, and how often he is really rude to his mom.

          • HistoriCat

            Certainly that garbage about helping the poor and treating others how you want to be treated is made up – it's just smite-y enough.

    • The shocker I'm taking from this is that Christians who take themselves [too] seriously bother reading out loud from the King James version anymore.

      • prommie

        It may not be true to the greek but it is pretty.

        • Agreed. But that's how I was raised, how it was read at home.. I was lucky to be shown it for its merit, its poetry.. I do not think contemporary bible worshipers [sic] bother as much with this version any longer. I'm researching it out of curiosity. I hope I find evidence to the contrary.

    • Steverino247

      I used to be a social worker and no one believes me when I tell them the actual names of children in my case load. Just unfuckingbelieveable what punishments humans inflict on their children–just in naming them. My least favorite: Abcde, pronounced "AB-suh-dee"

      • OneYieldRegular

        I believe it. A friend who works for Child Protective Services had to sit down a parent once and explain to her why it was maybe not a great idea for her infant son to have the same name as the family dog.

        • finallyhappy

          that doesn't matter- My daughter has a very normal name and yet, I frequently addressed her by the dog's name- also a very normal girl name.

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        My mom had a woman in her case load named "Female." Pronounced Fem-A-lee.

    • aguacatero

      At the same time, it's rather a lovely name, no?

  • owhatever

    How about Sasha Malia? This kid is going to be desperate for positive some role models.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    They could have used the old standard that has worked for dragqueens down through the ages. Your first pet's name and your Mothers maiden name.

    Thus: My first horse: Prancy. My Mother's maiden name: Nayler

  • larrykat

    "How did I get my name daddy?"
    "Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

    • new_pic_for_NEWTer

      …one of my favorite all-time punch lines…

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Well, at least the kid will have his own theme song already, written by JJ Cale no less. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EsIqEq9OFxE

  • Generation[redacted]

    I'm surprised they didn't name the kid Frito-Lay as part of a sponsorship deal.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Ya know, you are right. The baby is a result of Levi's "product placement".

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Ima name my firstborn Pabst Bacon Recliner and she is gonna be the purtiest girl in town.

    • Ohh.. I see what that does.. the PBR to end all pbr's..

  • fasteddiez22

    Scirocco Schmeisser, or

    Windstorm Winchester

  • Redhead

    Damn. I had all my money on Electric Fence-Pee.

  • An_Outhouse

    I would have named it Katie, even if it was a boy.

  • fasteddiez22

    Scirocco Schmeisser, or

    Windstorm Winchester

    Torrent Taurus

    Gale Gallil

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I was hoping for Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert, so I would know who the next president would be after Bristol is elected.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    "Breeze Baretta". Jesus, not only have you saddled the kid with a stupid first name, but you've crippled her by giving her "Beretta" as a middle name. Who wants their kid to be named after a line of poorly built, inaccurate, overpriced Italian handguns? If you're going to name the kid after a firearms manufacturer then why not give her a name she can be proud of? Like "Breeze Ruger" or "Breeze Remington" or "Breeze Bushmaster"? "Breeze Beretta", Jesus, what a fucking dildo, can someone neuter this asshole before he breeds again?

  • Sorry, Levi. No matter how much they airbrush you, you're not all that.

  • tessiee

    "Go play outside, Broken Rubber."

  • ttommyunger

    Not partial to the man-meat, in general, but it occurs to me that it takes a special sort of talent to look grimy in the fucking shower.

  • DHarcavy

    How about Rock Strongo? Lance Uppercut? Anita Bonghit?

  • Has nobody considered the poor girl's initials? more at http://www.gurukalehuru.com (but, really, it's nothing you haven't already read here.)

  • cobweb2

    If there is anything pertinent on HuffPo, I'll have to get it second hand. If I want Greta Van Palin's opinions, I'll watch Faux News

  • Lazy Media

    Uhhh, Beretta is the correct spelling of the Italian pistol/shotgun maker. Say what you like about Alaskans, but they know how to spell the names of gun manufacturers.

    /I like to say, "Alaskans suck."

    • commiegirl

      God damn it, I figured that out like 50 hours ago and was hoping nobody would say nothin'. Not changing it though. Too lazy/don't care.

  • rocktonsam

    boy= Ryden
    girl= Diam

  • Negropolis

    I was pulling for "5-hour-energy Johnston."

    Rebecca, you done got yews a porch, hengh? What a snob!

Previous articleImportant Vanity Fair Barack Obama Nerd Love Update: Young Obama Wore Brut
Next articleDon’t Pee On Electric Fence, Says Texas Politics Guy