the horror

Master Of Terror Stephen King Rains Buckets Of Blood On Poor Rich Folks

"Class" warfareStephen King (“Carrie,” “Cujo” “The Michele Bachmann Story”) is a pretty rich dude, and he has some thoughts on other rich dudes and taxes. He makes a gentle argument, comparing hardly anyone to “old, dead dogshit,” so he cannot be a regular correspondent for Your Wonkette (also, he only quotes the motto of the Church of the Subgenius once). But he can still get an excerpt!

I’ve known rich people, and why not, since I’m one of them? The majority would rather douse their dicks with lighter fluid, strike a match, and dance around singing “Disco Inferno” than pay one more cent in taxes to Uncle Sugar. It’s true that some rich folks put at least some of their tax savings into charitable contributions. My wife and I give away roughly $4 million a year to libraries, local fire departments that need updated lifesaving equipment (Jaws of Life tools are always a popular request), schools, and a scattering of organizations that underwrite the arts. Warren Buffett does the same; so does Bill Gates; so does Steven Spielberg; so do the Koch brothers; so did the late Steve Jobs. All fine as far as it goes, but it doesn’t go far enough.

What charitable 1 percenters can’t do is assume responsibility—America’s national responsibilities: the care of its sick and its poor, the education of its young, the repair of its failing infrastructure, the repayment of its staggering war debts. Charity from the rich can’t fix global warming or lower the price of gasoline by one single red penny. That kind of salvation does not come from Mark Zuckerberg or Steve Ballmer saying, “OK, I’ll write a $2 million bonus check to the IRS.” That annoying responsibility stuff comes from three words that are anathema to the Tea Partiers: United American citizenry.

[...]

The Koch brothers are right-wing creepazoids, but they’re giving right-wing creepazoids. Here’s an example: 68 million fine American dollars to Deerfield Academy. Which is great for Deerfield Academy. But it won’t do squat for cleaning up the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, where food fish are now showing up with black lesions. It won’t pay for stronger regulations to keep BP (or some other bunch of dipshit oil drillers) from doing it again. It won’t repair the levees surrounding New Orleans. It won’t improve education in Mississippi or Alabama. But what the hell—them li’l crackers ain’t never going to go to Deerfield Academy anyway. Fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke.

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About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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284 comments

  1. deleted3266239

    Oh man, finding out King is just another right-wing idiot is like finding out the Hardy Boys gang-banged Nancy Drew…

      1. SorosBot

        Yeah, this piece shows king to be the exact opposite of a right-wing idiot; maybe someone just skimmed it, or mixed him up with Steven King (Lunatic-Iowa).

      2. OC_Surf_Serf

        I read "What charitable 1 percenters can't do is assume responsibility" and I see a rich asshole. I read the whole thing and frankly, he's still an asshole.

          1. OC_Surf_Serf

            Thanks mom!

            Folks, I should of just said "Rich Idiot". The right-wing term came from my mis-reading the original blurb.

        1. actor212

          I see the problem you had with that. You think he's telling the 1% they *shouldn't* accept responsibility, but he's saying they *won't*

          1. sullivanst

            I thought what he's saying is that the rich doling out their charity is not capable of replacing tax-and-spend as a way of meeting the nation's needs: that whatever largesse certain rich individuals may exhibit, we still need to tax the fuckers, because a donation to Deerfield Academy, even a $68 million donation, isn't going to educate a single kid from a family scraping by in South-Central LA, or repair a road that's falling apart in the Bronx or (as King points out himself) the levees in NOLA.

      3. Goonemeritus

        This just proves the axiom that you don’t get to be the first commenter by carefully reading the column.

          1. HistoriCat

            It's all about the makeup sex.

            Oh sorry – I guess you didn't want to hear that.

    1. Preferred Customer

      Eh? The point of King's piece, which perhaps does not come across in the excerpts, is that there are things that charity can't do, and that's why we need the government, which rich people like him should pay for. So basically he's a Maoist. Except apparently he owns some radio stations (?), so he's also something like Orson Welles in that movie about Herman Cain, with the sled at the end, except not as fat.

      1. OC_Surf_Serf

        Yeah, I love the part where he blames humans for actually giving a flying fuck about what him or other rich people say and do. He is a rich fuck preaching to poor fucks. Don't care what a shitty writer from the 70's has to say.

        If you all want to have the Alpha Ape say some grunts you want to hear than so be it.

        1. BornInATrailer

          Are you Trolling or, after all the responses, have you actually still not read the original article?

          1. OC_Surf_Serf

            Yeah a Troll…Fuck You.

            People need to stop caring what powerless rich people say….

          2. SharkSandwich

            You need to read the piece before commenting. If you want to be first, just write "first."

          3. Mumbletypeg

            But, this is not what is done here anymore. Not since intensedebate started aligning rank with fist-popularizing p-scores, and everyone's shortened or challenged attention spans (mine included) tend to ensure earlier commenters score more thumb's as interest wanes after some couple dozen or so inputs. I think there's some improvement Intensedebate brought to the structure yet it changed the dynamic from how it used to be, arguably. I don't agree w/ OC Cerf but glad it's generating some talk. [/snark-shorted]

          4. BornInATrailer

            Oh, you edited it to add a fuck you?

            Well why don't you eat my ass you slack-jawed mongoloid? I'd tell you to head on over to http://www.literacyvolunteers.org to see if you can find a tutor but, in a cruel twist of fate, the site contains :words:

          5. OC_Surf_Serf

            Called me a Troll. That was an unnecessary blow.

            You deserved the reply. Cherish all your little thumbs up.

            Folks: I mis-read something, and all of you acted like children. When I pointed out I misread it but still think King is an asshole you all acted like more children but even more so.

            I think I will just go back to teaching Grad student Physics.

            Goodbye Wonkette.

        1. Guppy

          I'm sure he woke up one morning and said to himself "I'm going to try to pander to the mommy warblog crowd today."

        2. Chow Yun Flat

          Right. Wealthy, successful, talented people are always spending their time writing words that Wonkette types will like. It is what made them rich in the first place.

    2. Naked_Bunny

      Wait. Is "raining buckets of blood on me" considered a good thing among the rich? Because I can totally see that being the case if it's the blood of the peons.

    3. BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Next time you should just go with "First!" or someting instead of pretending that you actually read the article. It will be a lot less confusing for everyone.

    4. Dashboard Buddha

      Wait…the Hardy Boys didn't gang bang Nancy Drew?! Oh wait…if it's just two dudes, is it still a "gang bang"? I thought that was just a threesome. I suppose if we got Fenton and Chet involved, it could be considered a gang bang.

        1. Dashboard Buddha

          Right after I wrote that, I thought I should have done a Rule 34 search first.

    5. Wile E. Quixote

      Your reading comprehension sucks dude,and have I got a deal for you, double your money or nothing back!

    6. ElPinche

      Hahaha…we wonketteers can be big gaping assholes. We're all perfect commenters and none of us ever skim through posts, right?

      1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

        Yes but most of us will either laugh at our mistakes or delete them instead of getting butthurt and defensive.

        1. BornInATrailer

          This. There were at least another half dozen whoopsies that got deleted. And if you can't clean it up, don't double down. This isn't WND.

        2. ElPinche

          It's easier just to laugh at it and move on, not sure what was up with that guy.

    7. tessiee

      This?

      "I’ve known rich people, and why not, since I’m one of them? The majority would rather douse their dicks with lighter fluid, strike a match, and dance around singing “Disco Inferno” than pay one more cent in taxes"

      Is not something a right-winger says, or believes. You're certainly entitled to your own opinion of Stephen King, but try to base your criticisms of him (or anybody) on his actual words.

    8. Goonemeritus

      This is an open letter to OC while many posters didn't see what you saw your long posting record here is valued. I for one am sorry if I offended you, come back and play

      1. Barb

        Goon, I appreciate the way the you stepped up. I told OC in the next thread that I wasn't going to bust on him. He didn't need me to pile on him. I sense that he awoke and posted too early and he messed up.

        Today, I messed up the afghan I was knitting, killed one of my new tomato plants and my moon flowers. The chicken I made for dinner was a little dry. The good news is that tomorrow has the promise of a new start.

        OC, come back and let's start all over. Shake it off and let's live to snark another day.

          1. Biff

            I'm just overwhelmed by the sheer volume of posts; can't possibly keep up, so I went away for the day. Must “post” trauma, or summat…

    1. DemmeFatale

      He doesn't hold back, does he?
      How refreshing!
      (Does he know about Wonkette?)
      Nice to hear a Libtard bringing a gun to a knife fight!

  2. bureaucrap

    Perhaps he could guest-screed for the wonkette. I love the sound and feel of repeated use of the word "dipshit." We could use more of that.

    1. Preferred Customer

      Also, the cross-pollination would be good, because the King books I've read don't use "skull fucking" nearly often enough.

      1. Designer_Rants

        Oh, let's do this:
        Column on "Stand Your Ground laws" = "The Gunning Man"
        Column on "Defense Contractor Lobbyists" = "The BombyWonkers"
        Column on "Dick Cheney" = "It" (yeah, no change; still just a hideous evil clown)
        Column on "Extending Bush Tax Cuts" = "Needless Things"

        1. tessiee

          The column about Al Gore wouldn't even have to be a pun; he could just call it "The Green Mile".

        2. tessiee

          Column about Duhbya, sarcastically titled, "Apt Pupil"?
          Column about Duhbya, unsarcastcially titled, "Coke Pupils"?

      1. prommie

        And thus did Rudy Giuliani acquire his new nickname. Come on, is Rudy a shit-weasel or not?

  3. SorosBot

    What I want to know is, are the modern Republicans servants of the Crimson King? Because they certainly seem like they won't be satisfied until they have destroyed the Beams, torn down the Tower and thrown all realities into the Todash darkness.

    1. Designer_Rants

      Did you get as insanely disappointed in The Dark Tower books as I did when King wrote himself into them? I felt like Annie from Misery when she loses her shit when her favorite character is killed off. It was good that I wasn't taking care of Mr. King and his manuscript in a secluded house at the time.

      1. SorosBot

        Nah, while I didn't care for Song Of Susannah, I still liked the series on the whole, thought the final book was great, and enjoyed King appearing as a character; but then I also loved Grant Morrison's run on Animal Man and enjoy that kind of fourth wall breaking, if it's well handled.

        1. Designer_Rants

          You handled it much better than I did then. I was even touchy about his working in of current pop culture references as "sneetches" from Harry Potter. I realize he kind of did it from the start, as in The Gunslinger, where people sang "Hey Jude"… But anyway, for me, a big part of the draw was the Other-Worldly Fantasy, and injecting stuff from the pop culture of the Real World really popped that bubble for me. To me, the Gunslinger's world is in a far-future setting, and even the most popular culture phenomena doesn't really last for centuries, typically. I don't think many people are going to know what a Sneetch is in 200 years. But then he wrote INTO THE STORY that the whole world was just a figment of his imagination, so it didn't matter anyway. Why care about a 7 book story that you can't immerse yourself in because the writer writes that the characters come to him to write the story……rambling.
          That was my take, FWIW.

          1. SorosBot

            It wasn't that it was a figment of his imagination, but that King was channeling Roland and the Ka-Tet's story, and he needed to finish the books for them to reach the Tower. The pop culture stuff came as a crossover, as items from other universes started popping up in the Tower's world; mostly from King's other works, but also from works he wanted to homage, like Harry Potter, Wizard of Oz, Marvel comics and Star Wars.

            Personally I liked it; but can see why it didn't sit well with everybody.

          2. Designer_Rants

            I get that about King needing to finish the stories to get the Ka-Tet to the tower, and I get what you're saying about it not being a problem for the story for you. I read all the books at least twice (favorites being the 1st and 3rd and final). I just felt like the wizard had pulled back the curtain, and I was much happier being immersed in a story that didn't call so much attention to the author.

          3. tessiee

            "I was even touchy about his working in of current pop culture references as "sneetches" from Harry Potter"

            There is (or was) a writer named L. Sprague DeCamp, who wrote the kind of science fiction books that are cheesy fun, and who had a recurring character in some of his books — an incompetent, slightly obnoxious mage named Harold Shea. Some other writer wrote a story that went (I'm paraphrasing here), "Suddenly, there was a big, terrible, fiery explosion, and everybody was killed — including Harold Shea."

          4. Chet Kincaid

            Ah yes, L. Sprague DeCamp, he was in charge of the Conan canon back in the '60s and '70s and Conan-ized a bunch of leftover Robert E. Howard stories.

          5. George Spelvin

            Well, it would make sense for Harold Shea to be in somebody else's book, no? It's where he spent most of his time.

      2. HistoriCat

        I was disappointed. Not necessarily from King writing himself in – that could be OK if it was handled well. The last two books were just so half-hearted, "oh yeah, I better finish this off so people will stop bugging me."

      3. tessiee

        "Did you get as insanely disappointed in The Dark Tower books as I did when King wrote himself into them?"

        What, like M. Night Whatshisface when he still made movies that anybody watched?
        You're kidding, right?
        although Mother Abigail in "The Stand" was once visited by a door-to-door salesman named Donald King, who (from the description) sounded a bit like Stephen King's ex-father.

        Also, do you recommend the Dark Tower books in general, anybody?

        1. SorosBot

          As you can probably tell from the above, I would, but your mileage may vary. Generally I've found most King fans enjoy the first three or four; but there's a lot of disagreement on the last three books, particularly the metafictional parts.

        2. Designer_Rants

          Yeah, you're right, he's always written parts of himself into his novels, this (Darktower) was just more egregious as he wrote himself in as a character. Notice in The Stand how the survivors congregate in Boulder, CO, one of the only other places King has ever lived, other than Maine. Write what you know, I suppose.

          I would definitely recommend them. But I would just start by borrowing the first book, "The Gunslinger", from the library. It's the shortest book and a quick read, probably from back when King had an editor. If you like it, try the next one — which is stylistically different. IMO, Its genre is kind of like "Spaghetti Western meets Post Apocalyptic SciFi Mysticism" (if either of those are even genres that can be mashed together). BTW, if you recommended a book to me using the word "Western", I would not prioritize it in my reading list, but here we are.

        3. Designer_Rants

          Also, on the topic of M. Night Whatshisface, what was up with "Signs"? A race that has mastered interplanetary (intergalactic?) space travel doesn't know that it's allergic to the H2O molecule, and that this blue planet is positively swimming in the stuff?

          1. tessiee

            "Hi, I'm an alien. Although my legs are stong enough to enable me to jump from the ground onto the roof of a three-story house, I cannot kick down a wooden pantry door."

          2. George Spelvin

            It's worse. They do know H20 is bad for them — they avoid bodies of water. That's why M. Night is heading for the lake.

            He just got so fond of his damn water glasses he lost track of common sense.

  4. angerbear

    It might not be as useful as a progressive tax plan, but I for one would enjoy watching our nation's plutocrats singing "Disco Inferno" with their crotches on fire.

  5. OC_Surf_Serf

    one single red penny

    Some people are saying the Super Rich dip their change in the blood of a virgin to cleanse away the filth…

    1. Dr_pangloss

      I've heard that too. Some People are saying that the Super Rich Dance to the Moon Goddess and rape baby elephants to gain Immortality.

  6. Doktor StrangeZoom

    Hi, Mr. Koch. My name is Annie Wilkes. I'm your number one fan…and I'm going to take very good care of you.

  7. Come here a minute

    Stephen King also wrote under the pseudonym "Richard Bachman[n]", proving the rumor that he is Michele's other gay husband.

    1. FakaktaSouth

      And "Rage" (my fave of the Bachman books) is obvs the text for every NRA student membership pamphlet. Are you MAD? ARE YOU REALLY MAD?

  8. ManchuCandidate

    Coming soon. Stephen King's new novel, The Koching.

    "All Taxes and No Corprat Welfare makes Koch a crazier boy"

    But seriously what do you expect from a guy who wrote the original Hunger Games… er, Running Man.

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      Running Man is the scorched earth remnants of a free-market Romney presidency run amok.

  9. FakaktaSouth

    Now I know where I've seen Mitt's particular brand of body language and comfort level with "average" Americans…he's Gage! I missed getting to see him get hit by that truck though, dammit.

  10. Barb

    No snark, I just really love "Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption." I need coffee now.

  11. Terry

    Stephen King, you are all kinds of awesome. I'm going to Amazon and buy his latest book as a thank you.

      1. Grief_Lessons

        That's not actually the most recent one. This guy writes a novel every six weeks.

    1. Puffperney

      11/22/1963, George Amberson, Jake, ahhhh! I read it and am still trying to get my mind out of the multi-universe, butterfly effects!

    2. mormos

      I just remember being 14 and reading Tommy Knockers. It was 500 pages of him talking about some chick's period. I was horrified.

      In retrospect, well done mister King.

  12. MrFizzy

    Living in a fiction helps when you're a fiction writer. Doubtless he's living on a 12,000-acre gated compound with 20 bodyguards while he's giving away 2% of his income every year.

      1. Wile E. Quixote

        Never attribute to sarcasm what can be better explained by piss-poor reading comprehension.

        1. HELisforHEL

          Yeah, what the hell? Normally I get the impression that all the Wonketteers are fairly well-read. Apparently, I was wrong. People have to stop speed reading or whatever the fuck they're doing–this isn't a page of pictogram IKEA instructions or some BS missive from your HR department.

      1. Designer_Rants

        I saw a pic of his house in/near Bangor Maine once, and it had a really interesting custom wrought iron fence around it. So that's me speaking to the gated compound, of sorts.

        edit: oh, I see I'm not the only one to touch on this fence thing.

      1. tessiee

        I think you're more right than you know.
        I remember reading somewhere that he eventually had to have one of those big, spiky iron fences built around his house because of some of his more deranged fans were bothering his wife and kids, leaving dead animals in his yard, etc.

        1. Doktor StrangeZoom

          Have you read his account of the guy who smashed into him with a van? (I think it's collected in On Writing, but not sure). The guy who hit him was pretty much a character from a Stephen King novel.

        2. BornInATrailer

          I'm from the Bangor area. He does (or at least used to) have a nifty wrought iron fence with bats and what-not along the top. And while he's had issues with weirdos, it is hardly an isolated compound.

          Back when I was there, you would just see him around. Getting a hotdog late at night at the 7-11. I delivered pizza to said compound (well, to his son, never seemed to be him). I don't want to say he's just a regular Joe because I don't know him and he's rich and I'd imagine that changes some things. But my impression was always pretty far off from some super rich or strange Howard Hughes-esque situation.

          Maybe these days he lives underground in a hermetically sealed bunker but I kinda doubt it.

  13. under_score

    "old dead dogshit"— my backyard, more interesting than boring rich people, but a lot less green.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      Old dead dogshit is fine. It's the living dogshit that really freaks me the fuck out.

  14. smitallica

    And all of this turmoil is over raising the richest people in the country's taxes a lousy 4%.
    We have lost our fucking minds.

  15. chascates

    Make all tax returns public. List the gross income, taxes paid, and amounts to charity.

  16. lefty74

    The mind of Steven King spooks the shit out of me. Steven King Congressman from Iowa. Ball sack tongue baths for Chuck Grassley.

  17. UW8316154

    Wow, this makes up for scaring the hell out of me every time I picked up one of his books!

  18. Doktor StrangeZoom

    Michele Bachmann is Carrie's mom.

    Cover up your dirtypillows, then discuss amongst yourselves.

  19. PlanetWingNut

    i just love you wonkette guys…you make me smile every day *not snark just pure pleasure*

    1. prommie

      Well, if you want to use process of elimination, I will be the first to say its not me.

  20. Mumbletypeg

    The majority would rather douse their dicks with lighter fluid, strike a match, and dance around singing “Disco Inferno” than pay one more cent in taxes

    Hideous Kingky.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      That was actually some of the best mental imagery that King has ever created.

  21. SorosBot

    And of course, the Daily Beast comments are filled with idiots attacking King for wanting the rich to pay their fair share. It includes many variations on this idiocy: "I mean the nerve of people, thinking that they have the right to chose what to do with the fruits of their own labor." Uh, no, moron, rich people's money is the fruits of OTHER PEOPLE'S LABOR, not their own.

    1. freakishlywrong

      The rich fuckers didn't amass all that wealth on an island neither no how.

    2. Generation[redacted]

      You didn't hear? Mittens worked every single job in those factories he bought, running around at superhuman speed. Nobody else's labor was involved in creating his wealth –especially true after he shut them down.

    3. anniegetyerfun

      What's shocking to me, still, is that anyone sincerely believes that the rich shouldn't pay the same tax rate, or a marginally higher tax rate, than the bracket right before them. Why? Is there any other country in the world in which the poor work so hard to defend the wealthy?

      1. tessiee

        The stupid want to keep the rich people rich, and the rich want to keep the stupid people stupid.

    4. DemmeFatale

      I respectfully request that the rich bastards who don't want to pay their fair share boycott the highways, drinking water, museums, safe food, etc….

      1. tessiee

        Also, everybody who doesn't want to pay into "socialized medicine" should sign a binding agreement that neither they, nor any of their family members, should be treated in any way by publicly funded ambulances or emergency rooms, and wear a non-medic-alert bracelet at all times.

  22. Allmighty_Manos

    It would be awesome if Stephen King caused Edward Conrad to burst into flames – ideally at some Upper East Side coffee shop while the ass was making fun of bohemian types for not making enough money.

    1. tessiee

      I was gonna disagree and say that Newt should be on the list ahead of Edward Conrad. Then I thought that with all that tallow, Newt will probably do the spontaneous human combustion thing without any help from Stephen King and his uncanny powers.

    2. tessiee

      "It would be awesome if Stephen King caused Edward Conrad to burst into flames"

      Before I read the rest of your comment, I thought you meant that sparkly vampire — which would also be somewhat awesome.

  23. Grief_Lessons

    Off topic, but you know who would write some great guest-screed for Wonkette? Thomas Pynchon, that's who.

    1. tessiee

      Thomas Pynchon of the page-long sentences? Good luck having him fit a comment into fewer than three boxes.

  24. Baconzgood

    I think his books are pulpy crap. But after his album and now this rant I'm starting to like this dude.

      1. Baconzgood

        He did a studio recording. It's a tough find but a friend of mine has it as part of his "music that shouldn't have been made" next to the Shatner Album.

  25. actor212

    RICH PERSON'S IDEA OF CHARITY: Donating a wing at your local hospital that specializes in the disease you just happen to have been diagnosed with, like The Pat Buchanan Irish Potato Famine Wing of Georgetown Medical.

  26. SorosBot

    Well the Trashcan Man was crazy and stupid, and inadvertently ended up destroying Randall Flagg's plans to rule the world, or at least America. So – Sarah Palin?

    1. Preferred Customer

      Well, that book's ruined forever, since now all I can think of is Trashcan Man screaming "Cibola!" in Sarah Palin's terrible, terrible accent. And with a bit of that hip wiggle.

      Oh, god, I need the brain bleach.

  27. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    This guys books were a lot better back when he was wasted all the time.

    Lesson: drinking is good!

    1. LocalGirlMakesGoo

      Paraphrased – I don't remember the exact quote – but something like "I did so many drugs I don't even remember writing Cujo."

      1. tessiee

        I think it probably took most people longer to READ Cujo than it took King to WRITE it.

  28. SorosBot

    Thinking about It, between the murdering of children, feeding off fear, causing mass slaughters, and seemingly being immortal, I think Dick Cheney is Pennywise the clown.

    We all float down here.

  29. Dashboard Buddha

    I think it would be great if Mr. King wrote for Wonkette. However, other than those of us at our little Algonquin Round Table, who else would read his column?

  30. el_donaldo

    Great stuff, but I think he'd be using his talents more effectively if he were scaring the piss out of the plutocrats about how the people are going to be squatting in their mansions, wearing their clothes, pissing in their pools, and roasting their well-toned haunches over open flames in their great rooms if they don't stop resisting a more equitable tax burden.

      1. Doktor StrangeZoom

        Particularly fond of these four:

        8. Don’t ask yourself if something is fair. Ask someone else—a stranger in the street, for example.

        9. People gathering in the streets feeling wronged tend to be loud, as it is difficult to make oneself heard on the other side of an impressive edifice.

        10. It is not always the job of people shouting outside impressive buildings to solve problems. It is often the job of the people inside, who have paper, pens, desks, and an impressive view.

        11. Historically, a story about people inside impressive buildings ignoring or even taunting people standing outside shouting at them turns out to be a story with an unhappy ending.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      My dog gave me a gift of a big diarrhea dump on my bathroom carpet at about 345 this morning. You would have loved it!!

    2. el_donaldo

      My dog certainly enjoys chewing on some fine, aged dog (or cat or groundhog or etc.) shit.

      1. SorosBot

        My parent's dog seems to think catshit is the world's greatest snack, and that the litterbox is there to dispense treats.

        1. Designer_Rants

          I so totally don't get that. I understand why a carnivore would want to roll around in shit, so as not to smell like a predator while hunting… but EATING it? What's the evolutionary justification of that?

          1. Chichikovovich

            Maybe the digestive system isn't efficient enough to extract all nutrients the first time through, at least with a typical diet in the wild?

          2. el_donaldo

            Seriously, there is a theory that part of the development of the domestic dog from wolves is the selection for companion animals that would eat the poop at human settlements thus making for an easier cleanup. Makes you look at dogs in a new light, doesn't it?

          3. BigSkullF*ckingDog

            It is obvious to me that everyone here theorizing why dogs eat poop haven't TRIED EATING POOP! Don't knock it till you try it, people!

          4. Designer_Rants

            That sounds reasonable. I'm glad that in most locales, I'm at the top of the food chain in a wealthy nation so I don't have to eat more than the USDA Recommended Daily Limit of Shit.

        2. HELisforHEL

          Ah, coprophagy. We used to tell the dog to stop eating the 'chocolate treats' in the basement. What a fine snack, in her mind.

  31. BornInATrailer

    I think the most depressing part of this article is the fantastic reading comprehension failure of a surprisingly high number of Wonketteers.

    1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

      The pig's blood symbolized how the rich were overtaxed (in the seventies) and Carrie burning down the town symbolized King's wish to gut government infrastructure to the point of having non-funtioning vital services. Did I get it right?

    2. Generation[redacted]

      I have noticed how everyone's pet arguments keep coming back to life and wrecking havoc on the town.

    1. Designer_Rants

      I read it yesterday too, and enjoyed it. I kinda picked up that King is an old lefty from a couple of recent books I read of his, so I wasn't exactly surprised.

  32. OneYieldRegular

    I hope this means that King is about to enter "The Grapes of Wrath" phase of his literary career.

    1. Doktor StrangeZoom

      In which the Joads are a family of cannibals headed for Wall Street, because they hear there's good eatin' there…

      1. OneYieldRegular

        I like it.

        "Wherever there's a tasty investment banker, I'll be there. Wherever I can get fries as a side to go with my Koch Burger, I'll be there. Wherever there's a flank steak to made out of Mitt Romney, I'll be there."

    2. SayItWithWookies

      Where he travels the plains and the west, experiencing hard times and getting booted out of one state after another and buries grandma by the side of the road before reaching California, or where he writes a classic epic tale of the American experience? 'Cause as a betting man, I'd say the first is more likely.

  33. GeneralLerong

    Flaming dicks, huh? Imagine what The One Percent would do if the capital gains tax was/were? [having a grammar aneurysism, it appears] raised to 70%.

    I'd pay a dollar to watch that, especially if starving lions and armed hobos and colosseums and flamethrowers were involved.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      You just gave me a great idea for a video game. I will send you royalites when it is released.

  34. Eve8Apples

    "The majority would rather douse their dicks with lighter fluid, strike a match, and dance around singing “Disco Inferno” than pay one more cent in taxes."

    I was going to propose we simply behead the greedy bastards who won't give unto Cesaer, but I kinda like Stephen's idea for the flaming crotch dance too.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      The sad part, is you can only do these once per capita. Where is the replayability?

  35. kissawookiee

    I'm starting to feel sorry for dogshit, what with constantly being compared to rich assholes and all.

  36. DaRooster

    But what the hell—them li’l crackers ain’t never going to go to Deerfield Academy anyway.

    So full of AWESOME!!
    I think I like Steven King… still.

  37. SharkSandwich

    This passage is much better than anything I found in any of his previous writings:

    “I’m rich and I don’t apologize for it.” Nobody wants you to, Mitt. What some of us want—those who aren’t blinded by a lot of bullshit persiflage thrown up to mask the idea that rich folks want to keep their damn money—is for you to acknowledge that you couldn’t have made it in America without America. That you were fortunate enough to be born in a country where upward mobility is possible (a subject upon which Barack Obama can speak with the authority of experience), but where the channels making such upward mobility possible are being increasingly clogged. That it’s not fair to ask the middle class to assume a disproportionate amount of the tax burden. Not fair? It’s un-fucking-American is what it is. I don’t want you to apologize for being rich; I want you to acknowledge that in America, we all should have to pay our fair share. That our civics classes never taught us that being American means that—sorry, kiddies—you’re on your own. That those who have received much must be obligated to pay—not to give, not to “cut a check and shut up,” in Governor Christie’s words, but to pay—in the same proportion. That’s called stepping up and not whining about it. That’s called patriotism, a word the Tea Partiers love to throw around as long as it doesn’t cost their beloved rich folks any money.

  38. Baconzgood

    Dear chick that has the nice legs who sits next to me in English 101,

    I like u. I'm thinking we'd make a nice time together. If you want to go out and get a beer with me check this box.

    -George W. Bush College Love letter-

    1. SorosBot

      I'm guessing you meant this on the next post? Also it's spelled a bit too well for W.

  39. Chichikovovich

    That those who have received much must be obligated to pay—not to give, not to “cut a check and shut up,” in Governor Christie’s words, but to pay—in the same proportion.

    Of all the right-wing conversation-stoppers this is simultaneously one of the dumbest and one of the most irritating. "Conversation-stopper" because it's aimed at avoiding the issue rather than addressing it, of course. The typical exchange goes: Speaker: "The rich should pay more in taxes" Wingnut fool: "You're a lazy moocher that wants to take the money from other people to pay for your benefits" Speaker: "No, in fact I would pay much more in taxes, as I should, given my income and resources." Wingnut fool: "Oh, so you think you don't pay enough taxes? Then just send in a check! Haw Haw!"

    We should just make taxes voluntary? Everyone pay what they feel is "enough"? I see major downsides to this, but I expect that we won't be invading any countries with the new 10,000 member armed forces sporting used Kalashnikovs.

    1. tessiee

      Part 1:

      "We should just make taxes voluntary? Everyone pay what they feel is "enough"?"

      This is something that has always annoyed the hell out of me about those drop boxes you see sometimes, "GlobalMegaCorp is holding a drive for school supplies for the local schools", or whatever, "buy school supplies and drop them in the box".
      OK, first of all, if GlobalMegaCorp were paying their fair share of taxes — hell, if they were paying as much in taxes as *I* pay! — the schools would be a lot less broke. Second of all, if *I'm* buying, paying for, and donating supplies, how is GlobalMegaCorp "holding a drive"? What, exactly, is their contribution? Putting a cardboard box in a hallway?

    2. tessiee

      Part 2:

      *sigh*
      Look, I'm not against charity. I've always donated money, canned goods, etc. to charity. I still do, even at my drastically reduced income level. But it annoys the holy hell out of me when the corporations that have spent the last thirty years impoverishing the rest of us try to guilt trip everyone into fixing a problem that *they* created, and expecting a pat on the back because they threw a few crumbs from the table.

      also, how about we put Thomas Pynchon in charge of determining comment length?

  40. Nostrildamus

    You know who else doused his dick in lighter fluid, struck a match and danced around singing "Disco Inferno"?

  41. tessiee

    Sorry, not entirely prepared to agree with you there. The Trashcan Man may have started out as a whitetrash loser, but he eventually morphed into an honest to god scary psycho, and Randall Flagg was basically a bullshit artist and poser — so yeah, Joe the Plumber.

  42. Nostrildamus

    "[Koch money] won’t pay for stronger regulations to keep BP (or some other bunch of dipshit oil drillers) from doing it again."

    True, but it will pay for weaker ones.

  43. Wile E. Quixote

    When reached for comment about Mr. King's article Mitt Romney replied, "Ann drives a couple of demon-possessed 1958 Plymouth Furies actually."

  44. StanleyPain2

    I'm confused as to why so many people are saying "King is a right wing shill" when he spends the entire article arguing that taxes should be higher and that the Republican party is full of idiots. Methinks people aren't reading the article but rather just some summary somewhere and misunderstanding the entire thing. This article is, in no way shape or form, defending the right.

  45. horsedreamer_1

    It's a shame Stephen's equally cogent cousin got in bed with proto-bagged Jesse Ventura. Angus King could have pretty well bridged the divide between the Left/Naderites & DLC/Clintonites sans taint of L' Corps.

  46. fuflans

    this is really really boring.

    but i'm 12 hours late and slightly tipsy so it's going to take johnny depp or jon stewart to amuse me.

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