spiking the football

Liveblogging Obama’s ‘Bin Laden Still Dead’ Afghanistan Victory Lap

Osama and Breitbart: Still dead!Hey peeps! How was your May Day? Are you in jail right now? Good for you! Are you still trying to get out of Union Square? How’s that going? Slow, huh? Well, wish you were here on the couch, drinking tasty Fat Tires and waiting for Bammerz to come on the teevee and … announce he killed Bin Laden all over again? He is such an overachiever! Well, we’re gonna just chill here till Barry comes on. Quick, get a beverage (or slow get a beverage, he is always. so. late.), and chill with us! We’ll be here!

7:31 — No flight suit? :(

7:33 — Happy Christmas, war is over? Hmmmm, Yoko Ono?

7:34 — Nope.

7:35 — Blah blah blah troop numbers. In Chicago, we will steal ur lections! Good luck, Ghanistan! Peace, out!

7:37 — Bammerz will let the Taliban hang out if they will chill and be cool, man. We can feh about it, but that’s sort of how they did South Africa, right? The “We’re sorry” commissions? (That presumes the Taliban will act sorry.)


7:41 — Ooooh, sexy domestic spending talk! Yes, tell us more about spending money on schools! HARDER!

7:42 — NO DEAD LADEN! Oh man, the Committee to Reelect has really been scared off by all those crabby Seals, haven’t they? (The kind who bitched in that DailyMail article, not the kind that ate Buster’s hand.) WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM SPIKING THE DEAD BUZKASHI GOAT HEAD? (Copyright: some dude on Twitterz.)

7:46 — Shortest Liveblog EVAR. Go back to your gin, homepersons. Peace out?

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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  1. Doktor StrangeZoom

    I am so ashamed of how he is exploiting this for political gain. Such things simply are not done in American politics.

    1. Beowoof

      True, I can't imagine the NRA selling replicas of the gun that killed bin Laden if this had happened with Bush in office.

    2. FakaktaSouth

      I guess you're only allowed to celebrate Missions that aren't REALLY Accomplished, and fake uniforms or GTFO – especially when bragging about how safe you kept everybody after that one day you didn't keep a whole bunch of people safe at all. GeeDub was proof that those people want words, not deeds.

      1. Isyaignert

        Like the barges of debris from the 9/11 attack that were quickly and quitely hauled away; crime scene 'n' all – can't have all of that evidence 'n' stuff, also, too. Will we ever know the truth?

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Nobody had the nerve to invite him to see the "black site." Funny – just never came up.

  2. OkieDokieDog

    There he is on another luxurious vacation while Mittens is buying everyone in America a pizza for freedum!

    1. Limeylizzie

      Did you hear some guy yelled out to Mittens "Don't put that on the roof of your car"?

      1. mayor_quimby

        Yes, I trust that there enough asshole liberal scum hecklers to make every Mittens event suitably uncomfortable for him. I love that facial twinge when a heckl-ee hears the heckler and realizes they can't respond.

        1. OkieDokieDog

          Yes – it made me giggle.

          If Mittens were quick witted enough, he would have said, At least it's pepperoni and not pupperoni.

  3. imissopus

    I was going to drink some coffee and power through some work for the rest of the afternoon, though this sounds like way more fun.

      1. C_R_Eature

        Contracts can be powerful things. Especially when signed in blood, at a crossroads at midnight, with a reek of sulfur permeating the air.

        1. James Michael Curley

          You can run, you can run
          tell my friend Willie Brown
          You can run, you can run
          tell my friend Willie Brown
          I got that crossroad blues this mornin Lord
          an' babe, I'm sinkin down

          1. James Michael Curley

            I always felt that Clapton riffs on Crossroad (1968 live version) killed the aspiring careers of a lot of young guitar hopefuls.

          2. C_R_Eature

            Wheels of Fire ? I'll bet you're right about that. Sort of, like, "Well, I'll never climb that Mountain!"

            Jack Bruce and John Entwhistle got me into the Bass guitar, though. I'm pretty bad, but it was a whole lot of fun.

          3. Isyaignert

            Always had a soft spot in my heart for the bass. I own one but never learned to play. My recurring nightmare is my brother who has had several bands saying to the crowd, "Now my sister is going to rock your world on the bass." And I'm going, "NO, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PLAY!" Fuk I hate that dream!

            I did get to see Entwhisle play at a small bar in Cleveland in 1988 and that was way cool.

          4. C_R_Eature

            Ha, me too!

            You do know what the Very Bad Thing is, that happens when the Drums Stop?

            "I did get to see Entwhisle play at a small bar in Cleveland in 1988 and that was way cool."


          5. Isyaignert

            LOL – my brother plays drums! Cool pic – thanks for sharing; it's my new screensaver.

          6. C_R_Eature

            You're welcome! Your brother will appreciate that, no doubt. Old Skool Hooligans prints these. It's where I got my "Fast & Bulbous" T-shirt. They're in England, though and pricy.

          7. BerkeleyBear

            Guitars are awesome. My 7 year old just pestered me into buying her one, and I snuck in a crappy Mitchell for myself. There's something so awesome about tuning a 6 string then strumming it – even if I never learn a single chord that sound will stay with me.

            But yeah, Clapton makes me want to go back and strangle the young version of me who threw away the chance to learn more about music back in the day.

          8. C_R_Eature

            You're not the only one. I've killed my younger self numerous times, for many very dumb things.

            It's never too late to pick up on a new hobby, though. Enjoy!

          1. C_R_Eature

            True, but it's widely known that you need a Soul to play the Blues. Cheney's research was, sadly, incomplete.

      2. Veritas78

        Osama and Breitbart have figured out a way to skull-fuck Cheney in both eye sockets at once. Eventually on YouDead.com.

        Karma has been working for decades to arrange this!

  4. Doktor StrangeZoom

    Clever turnabout on Bush's never-happened "as the Iraqis stand up, we will stand down"

  5. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Of course he flew to Afghanistan today, everyone knows that they serve the best dog.

  6. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Mitt Romney was hoping to have a similar victory lap around the smoldering ruins of GM. Just another dream deferred, I guess.

  7. Doktor StrangeZoom

    Wait, is he even allowed to mention the Flag? It is a worship word!

    1. chascates

      In reading the wingnut blogs I'm struck by how they all see Obama as a smug, pompous individual. I've never seen a hint of that but then I'm a member of the choir.

      1. Limeylizzie

        I know! They seem him as arrogant, God I never have felt that at all. When he is with real people they seem to adore him.

        1. FakaktaSouth

          Every single "real" person I have ever heard talk about meeting PresO says he knew their life story, looked them in the eye and called them by name like he cared who they were. Mitt Romney probably doesn't even know all his grandkids' names, but yeah, let's all make fun of who's pompous and arrogant.

        2. Geminisunmars

          What's not to understand? You know that having a vocabulary is the same thing as arrogance.

        3. James Michael Curley

          At the 2004 convention with him scheduled to give the key note address, he didn't even have a hospitality suit – just a single room down the end of the hall. One of my buddies saw that he got stopped and patted down trying to enter the hotel on Thursday afternoon.

          1. Texan_Bulldog

            That's when I fell in love with him. I was literally mesmerized by his speech and wondered why Kerry would let some unknown dude totally step on his moment.

          2. BerkeleyBear

            Because Kerry didn't see it coming, clueless bastard that he is. Then he went and basically destroyed the dreams of Evan Bayh at an Iowa steak fry. Obama just has a charisma that you either love or hate, and comes along once a generation or less.

          3. Chet Kincaid

            You don't "either love or hate" Obama because of his personality. The "hatred" is 100% bigotry, ideology and projection, 0% his actual character.

          4. Chet Kincaid

            Well, I can see that the rightwingers would hate Obama for having that charisma, this is true. I think they also believe they must do and say everything contra-Obama that lefties did and said contra-Bush, regardless of whether there is any merit in their arguments, because their base is too stupid to notice a baseless argument.

          5. 4TheTurnstiles

            All true, but I think you're correct when you say that it's all submerged in a deluge of racism. Obama is hated for being black and talented, not just talented.

    2. JustPixelz

      And I love his wife. Perhaps there's a way we make with the shenanigans so they'll split up.

        1. Butch_Wagstaff

          That would give the right wingers, as my mother would say, a fit of conniptions. It was fine for Newt to suggesting having one but Obama & Michelle having an open marriage? Typical Democrats!

        2. BerkeleyBear

          Post second term, LL. Seriously, when they are in their 50s and out of office, I've got this tiny hope that O will suddenly turn into the OG of all OGs, and Michelle will become the Nubian Princess we all know she has inside her.

      1. chascates

        We'll meet again,
        Don't know where, don't know when.
        But I know we'll meet again, some sunny day.

  8. JustPixelz

    This is very strange. Someone talking on Hardball without Chris Matthews interrupting, rambling, loving the sound of his own voice, changing the subject and generally being horrible. OH WAIT! Obama is done, Matthews is back, strangeness over.

  9. owhatever

    I am proud to say that today, the relationship between our two nations — Afghanistan and Kenya — have never been stronger.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Funny – I've never seen the top of the Stanley Cup. Isn't that what makes it a cup and not the Stanley Covered Dish?

        1. Tundra Grifter

          John Madden was awarded a large silver bowl. On his bus trip back to California after the ceremony, he stopped off to visit with some former players, who used it to make a very large flaming punch.

          When he showed it to his wife it was completely black and sooty inside.

          "John – what happened to it?" she asked.

          "I have no idea," Madden said. "It was like that when they gave it to me."

          And, yes, I'm proud to say I don't know anything about hockey.

    2. CapnFatback

      Topless, eh? Judging by the looks of things, Lord Stanley was a double-M Cup.

      1. Barb

        Nope, when hockey is on my clothes come off. That is unless Jeff wants me to fry some bacon.

        1. Jeffer

          Nope. Bacon is delicious and good. But the ta-ta's must be protected at all costs.

    3. tessiee

      "topless Stanley Cup Hockey night"

      Large, sweaty Canadian men with their shirts off?

        1. trampndirtdown

          Watched it Barb. It's about time. Skill and work ethic in any field including sport have nothing to do with sexual orientation, political leanings or world view. if you can play, then you can play.

        2. BerkeleyBear

          Unfortunate that the locker room remains a bastion of homophobia, even as the military gets its shit together. I know in some ways sports, so amazing for togetherness in other ways, is a tool of reinforcing hatred, and that it contributed to me being narrow minded in high school and even college. But at the top level, it is and should be a meritocracy – and I hope some prominent NFL or NBA players finally come out soon.

    4. redarmyzombie

      Now, why is it I always miss the *good* stuff?

      Oh well…I suppose there's always pantsless Starcraft…*sob*

  10. keinsignal

    Welps let's hope he wins this November. By the time the week's over, every single GOP operative with access to a microphone will be yelling their lungs out about the vital national security importance of doubling down in the Graveyard of Empires.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Fuckem all -they only win if the economy tanks, and that would take more than even Rmoney's buddy's are willing to put up with.

  11. Warpde

    Seattle 2012….bo-yeah!!!!!!
    Oh shit, sorry, didn't see that coming.
    At least they are giving Vancouver a, somewhat, good name.

    1. C_R_Eature

      No, leave it. Every time you refer to Chuck Todd as Fuck Toad a tiny Angel gets a tiny pair of gilded TruckNutz.

      1. C_R_Eature

        Hi and thanks! I guess we'll need another Cephalopod Day soon, then.

        That's my favorite Rundgren song. I saw him play this as an encore in Philly years ago.The hometown fans went out of their minds. Someone in the balcony unrolled a bedsheet banner that said TODD IS GOD.

    1. Doktor StrangeZoom

      Allen West knows of at least 80 Kohm agents that have infiltrated Congress.

  12. EtchySketchy

    Did you make those pizzas, Mitt? You didn't, did you? No, no. they came from the local 7-11 bakery or wherever.

  13. Callyson

    OT alert:

    Public approval of the Supreme Court has reached a new low in the 25 years since the Pew Research Center began polling on the high court’s favorability.
    Only 52 percent of the American public has a favorable opinion of the court, down from 64 percent three years ago and a high of 80 percent favorability in 1994, Pew reported on Tuesday. The Supreme Court is still more popular than Congress (by far) and President Obama (by a slimmer margin), but its popularity is no longer in the stratosphere – and that may open the door to attacks by the president as he runs for reelection.


    OK, now that Afghanistan is settled as well as it is going to be, on to the next war. Time to fight the real enemy!

    1. Doktor StrangeZoom

      Huh. One might almost think that 30 uninterrupted years of Republicans' whining about "unelected activist judges" was starting to have an effect.

    2. JustPixelz

      My opinion of the court reached an all time low on Dec 12, 2000. Then came Citizens United which diluted the political rights of actual, human citizens.

      1. Callyson

        Yes, and don't forget the Lilly Ledbetter case. At least Obama was able to fix that one…

      2. DrunkIrishman

        And now we get to stomach another 'decision' on the healthcare law that will most certainly fuck us over. The Supreme Court is supreme at sucking ass.

  14. OC_Surf_Serf

    I am not gay, have never been gay, I have a wide stance, and I love my wife…

    …but I could give it up for our Barry.

  15. Bluestatelibel

    Meanwhile, in a quiet, quiet room, Mitt Rmoney counts his stacks of money.

      1. smokefilledroommate

        …and grimaces, clasping his hands staring intently at his Etch-a-Sketch, longing, wondering yet loathing what it's like to be a self-made man that can effortlessly kick so much ass. He runs into the woods… and shapeshifts into a soulless money hungry asshole. He can't escape the samsara he doesn't believe in, so he'll go back to Kohlrabi when he's not elected.

      1. Doktor StrangeZoom

        An angst-ridden amorist, Fred
        Saw sartorial changes ahead
        His mind kept on ringing
        with fishy girls singing
        soft fruit also filled him with dread.

        J. Walker in The Brand-X Anthology of Poetry (Burnt Norton Edition)

    1. bikerlaureate

      Many miles away
      Something crawls from the slime
      At the bottom of a dark
      Scottish lake

    1. C_R_Eature

      They can't do that – they're making too much money off of the Rubes!
      Has P.T. Barnum taught you nothing?

    2. James Michael Curley

      When you eliminate all that is impossible what ever remains no matter how improbable is the only conclusion. After the clown show of the Republican Primaries and the GOP's selection conceding the election seems to have been the plan all along.

  16. Sharkey

    THAT was a liveblog?! Come ON! Even Newt Gingrich can keep it up longer than that!

    (wait, what?) I'm being told the speech only lasted 15 minutes… In that case I cannot blame my beloved Wonkette. Hmmm. Guess Barry had actual work to do. Carry on then!

        1. C_R_Eature

          Well, ok, one fake turkey! I learn something new every day.

          Here's a little gem: I didn't know there was an actual Action Figure!

          Aaand it's "Currently Unavailable." I guess I'll have to settle for the "Searching for WMD under the desk" Action Figure instead.

          1. Terry

            The comments are interesting on that figure's Amazon page, particularly the military wife's assertion that a Dem in office would ban that sort of thing.

          2. C_R_Eature

            Thanks. I didn't notice those, as I've learned to overlook comments on these types of pages Unless I'm in a particularly anarchic frame of mind or very drunk. I'll bookmark that for later.

        2. Chichikovovich

          I dunno, M. Grumpe. I'm looking at that photo and I'm seeing two turkeys there. And both of them are fake.

  17. Blueb4sunrise

    Lost in the news….Ya know Bammz finally got a deal with Japan over our troops on Okinawa. This has been a difficult thing for a long time. See Chalmers Johnson for a 3-volume overview.

    While I'm not too much of a Rah Rah Big O [more of a HATE THE R SONSOFBITCHES] ,this is a good thing.

    1. C_R_Eature

      That is news and a Good Thing. Thanks. I heard bits of Obama's joint statement with Prime Minister Noda earlier but I can't say I was really listening to what went down.

      This move, while not perfect, acts to meet some of the demands of the Okinawans, strengthen the US-Japan alliance and,by dispersing the forces in the region, serves the dual purpose of increasing flexibility, response time and expanding their reach while making the decentralized forces much less susceptible to sabotage or attack. An effective countermove to Chinese expansionism in the South Asian Sea region.

      Barry and his advisers must play one helluva game of chess.

      1. Blueb4sunrise

        It seems [according to CJ] that part of the problem was getting the mainland Japanese politicos to care enough about Okinawa to push more. They sure weren't gonna re-locate our stuff and troops to another part of Japan.

        How's the lagoon?

        1. C_R_Eature

          Yeah, I can see that. Mainlanders always look a little askance at Islanders to begin with and it's so much easier to do nothing. I wonder how much, if anything the earthquake and Fukushima Daichi catastrophes played into the negotiations? Perhaps that sped things up a bit.

          The lagoon is warming up nicely, thanks. We've had a batch of 75-80 degree days lately, Spring has fully Sprung and Striped Bass are on the prowl. There will be crabs soon and life will be Good.

          1. Blueb4sunrise

            I dunno enough to even guess what the disasters had to do except in a general 'it seems things need to be really fucked-up to get some change' kinda way. Dunno at all what effect it had on U.S. Pentagon thinking.

            Here we got…uh….dust and pollen. But it's a warm, dry, dust and pollen.

          2. C_R_Eature

            "But it's a warm, dry, dust and pollen." I'm sure that makes all the difference.

            Thank FSM that our Pine Pollen Season is too early for the Hot Humid Mid-Atlantic Summer. Nothing would survive wearing an inch of bright yellow pollen.

    2. fuflans

      there are so many bamz news stories like this (and it was one i too have been following-ish): small (well, to us) foreign policy successes that have eluded US administrations for a long time. i fully expect a second term to see a settlement of the great chinese moon war.

      oh yeah and then, bin laden.

  18. Guppy

    It's such a no-brainer to violate the sovereignty of and piss off a country that's basically using nuclear blackmail to extort money out of us.

    I'm thinking the "boots on the ground" don't yet realize that Pakistan is now one step closer to "accidentally a warhead."

  19. MozakiBlocks

    Bammers sure has the GOP flummoxed on this thing. Even Donald Rumsfeld crawled out from whatever rock he's been living under to complain today.

  20. Negropolis

    Editrix, you were confused. This was never intended as a "Bin Laden Still Dead" speech; it was advertised again and again all fucking day long as a "We're Staying in Afghanistan Forever" speech.

    Really, I'm not an absolutist on much, but I refuse – I absolutely refuse – to tolerate another American soldier shot dead by an "allied" Afghan solider. No mas; nunca; not one more. With Iraq behind us, it is so much easier to this than it was before. We have to learn. It's time. It's been time for a very long time, now. We can't keep up these deadly charades.

    This isn't about whether you love or hate the president, anymore; this is about doing the right and timely thing; this is about respecting lives, their's and our's; this is about finally realizing that we don't have do things in such-and-such away because "that's how it was done, before." We have choices, the worst ones, some worse ones, some good ones, and the best ones. Let's start demanding the best ones. For the love of life, itself, let's do that.

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      This isn't about whether you love or hate the president, anymore; this is about doing the right and timely thing; this is about respecting lives, their's and our's; this is about finally realizing that we don't have do things in such-and-such away because "that's how it was done, before." We have choices, the worst ones, some worse ones, some good ones, and the best ones. Let's start demanding the best ones. For the love of life, itself, let's do that.

      Good luck with that. President Obama has been a huge disappointment when it comes to standing up to our increasingly corrupt and incompetent military/industrial/intelligence/law-enforcement complex, he talks a lot of shit about veto threats but always bends, spreads and signs with a big grin on his face when the bills hit his desk. We need a president like Dwight Eisenhower who is willing to call bullshit on these incompetent bastards and their empire building bullshit.

  21. Terry

    I watched it on the DC local Fox station because, well, I'm a masochist. At the end of Obama's speech when he started to say "…God bless…", the cut to a middle of a commercial. At the end of the commercial, they went back to the commentator directing folks to the website for more info. Not subtle.

    The intro was pretty sucky, too. Basically, "many people, including some Democrats" are very concerned about Obama's politicizing bin Laden's death. Basically, they told viewers before hand what they're to be upset over.

    1. Me_K_Cong

      Cutting the prez off mid-sentence. Oooh, I bet that was satisfying to both Fox and its viewers. They better enjoy it because it's the only satisfaction they are going to get for 4+ years.

  22. Pres.Beeblebrox

    So we'll be in Afghanistan until, like, 2024. That's 22 years after the invasion. Longer than Vietnam, which was 1955-1975 (if you count it starting in 1955 like the US military folks do).

    As my gay boyfriend Anderson Cooper said tonite, that's like four Presidential administrations (2012 – 2016 – 2020 – 2024). We might finally be out of there by the end of the George P. Bush Administration….

    1. not that Dewey

      if you count it starting in 1955 like the US military folks do

      Or the Vietnamese do.

      btw, in Vietnam, they don't call it "Vietnamese Food". They just call it "Food".

  23. MissTaken

    Dow be closing at the highest level in 4 years

    Osama still be dead

    We be out of Iraq

    We be getting out of Afghanistan

    MissTaken be smelling 4 more years!

    1. littlebigdaddy

      Yeah, but the goopers really control the levers of the economy, so if they decide it is worth losing money in the short term to oust Bammy, they have the power to do so. (I doubt they do, especially for Mittens).

  24. Warpde

    Oh my.
    I think I may have just been banned on posting comments on Faux Notion.
    What will I do…what will I do……?

    1. fuflans

      well, it is a FABULOUS label.

      (this is actually how my bff and i buy wine and not at all a snarky comment.)

  25. ttommyunger

    Why is it the successful media women on the Left are way hot, but gay; and the ones on the Right are just plain unfuckably ugly inside and out?

  26. littlebigdaddy

    Editrix, thanks for the Fat Tire shoutout. It is a fine beer, made by good people.

  27. fuflans

    seriously? no coverage of murdoch 'unfit to rule'?

    made my fucking day and i'd love to know how fox is spinning it.

  28. smokefilledroommate

    Hey–what about teh "I'm King Obarmer and I gots teh Medical Insurance you and yer diabeetus three teef famleez wantz and needz"— but you ain't gonna take handouts from a n*gger, right?

    FYI: Bush never killed the "camel jockey" because he knew him and his family too well. Get your fucking shit together.
    Must be so easy for you when WHITE GUY = PATRIOT and 'NONWHITE' GUY = SUSPECT/PERP.

  29. C_R_Eature

    You again.

    Assuming that you have an actual Problem with President Barack Obama (and you're not just trolling for reax & fun) what is it?

    Is it that:
    * He's Black
    * He's a Democrat
    * He's a much better President than Bush ever was
    * He's smarter than you
    * He's funnier than you
    * (Inarticulate grunt of Rage)
    * All of the above
    * Some of the above
    * Spam.

    Inquiring Minds want to know!

  30. ttommyunger

    Note to administrator: May I humbly submit that censoring (deleting) our faithful Rightard Trolls is the best thing that you can do for them. I say let them expose and flagellate their raw nerve endings in every public forum possible, it serves to expose them for what they really are; and we all know what that is, don't we?

    1. George Spelvin

      You know, tommy, I agree with you on this, mostly, but this one schmuck is just fucking boring.

    2. Negropolis

      Thanks for this. Some trolls are fun to play with, but when they aren't even good at trolling, it's time to get rid of them.

      This whole 'nigga president' (because 'nigger president' would just be tacky, right?), and the dime-a-dozen racial and ethnic slurs he's using is played out and not funny, anymore.

Comments are closed.